bad days

well this is a crash into despair and depression.
I am trying to see a way out of it. Sometimes I can't keep all the bad memories and injustice locked in, sometimes I can't cope with the church condemning me.

I went to a church last night but it was not a friendly church, more of a talk behind their hands because I'm homeless church.
I went to the Samaritans and they tend to be very good, I saw someone I had seen before, and he is very understanding and encouraging.

Why don't I have an online church for abuse survivors and outcasts?

It is a struggle to deal with the clocks changing, it means more time waiting for bedtime in the evening, and more time waiting for the library to open in the morning.

Last night was a night of distresses and bad memories, between my family and the church I feel like the worst person in the world.
It rained enough in the early hours to wake me up, and as I slept again I was woken up by a rat trying to get into my backpack, my backpack is pillow, so having a rat right by my head was not too amusing, but when I shone my torch on it it reluctantly moved off, and when I threw gravel at it it reluctantly moved further off, the gravel sparked as I threw it, I suppose it does that in the dark.
I am not scared of rats but they are destructive and germ ridden and I don't want my food eaten by them or my backpack damaged, fortunately this backpack is rat-proof.

I got up early as it got light early and went to the market, it is really hard to be up early with nothing to do until the library opens, I had several cups of tea and a good wash and change of clothes, and went round the bins collecting stickers.

I found nearly a whole pizza in the bin yesterday, I think that was what the rat was after.