This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Friday, 31 January 2014

gone bonkers :)

Well, I thought I had better do another post as I will be busy and tired this weekend.
You know how sometimes you have to open your big wide gob and shout something out? No? well you never been high on toffees then.


shtand well back, watch police, helicopters, and angry Bishops with clenched fists, rolled sleeves and murderous expressions on their faces descend on Southampton, laugh...

and off to Winchester, where it isn't allowed to rain, because one might get wet when one gets out of one's Bentlehh to go into Waitrose, and if it rains we write to the Times and the council to complain! :)

:):):) someone take the toffees off me! This is why when the Diocese used to make me out to be mentally ill, I was concerned that I was bipolar. My sister is, but I am not sure my extremes are extreme enough, also mine are caused by toffee, not lithium.

Friday afternoon

Friday afternoon.

Well this morning, too groggy from the three herbal tabs I took last night, I had to get myself ready, a bag packed and the housework done, as well as some porridge to eat.

At first I was in slow motion, but I sped up and managed to get myself sorted out on schedule.
I have arrived in the town where my friend is, and will meet with her in a few hours.
It was four separate journeys just to get here, and that doesn't include the walking.

I am feeding this irritating song to everyone
copy and paste, my links don't work.

Friday morning

Good morning,
well I had been a bit unsettled not knowing what was happening about today.
But now I think I know.

Last night I went to bed at 10pm-ish, hoping to just fall asleep, three hours and three herbal tablets later, I was still awake.
What can you do if you lie there and can't sleep and get more and more tense?
Well, you can pray, because this keeps God awake until He goes 


So, I slept, and was woken groggily by my friend phoning.
She, belatedly, had got in touch about today, to see if I was coming to stay the night.
She doesn't understand that I have to know things in advance otherwise I get very wound up.
well, saying that, she understands me quite well, but she is forgetful.

So, it looks like I need to shower, pack a bag and head for her place.
She offered me her old phone, do people think I run a phone graveyard? whats with dumping all this complex technology on me? I am a simple person, and a smart phone is too smart for me, hence me being back on the old black and white phone.

Right, gotta look at timetables for today and tomorrow :) argh.

Thursday, 30 January 2014

Thursday afternoon

well it has been a quiet day, in a way I am under-occupied at the moment, which is not good for me, but I am limited as to what I can do, I don't have much money, in fact the next few weeks are looking dire, and I cannot always walk far.
I am grateful that I have this place, and I have the basic everything and food for the moment.

I had chicken sandwiches for lunch, then a nice pot of tea, and then I went for my walk.
It is a beautiful bitter cold day, with blue snow clouds over the hills, awesome, people miss out when they don't stop and see and enjoy these things.

anyway, I am home now, I have fish pie defrosting for supper and am blogging and things.

Thursday lunchtime

Good lunchtime.
Well I didn't get to sleep until late last night and didn't wake up until late this morning.
There is a mysterious pair of pants on the table.
I am not doing much yet.

I seem to have stopped having flashbacks, although my dreams were full of the church of england and their clergy, but even so, the dreams were gentle and peaceful really, although in one dream a peadophile ring was discovered in one diocese, amazingly vivid and detailed dreams. No idea what it was all about.

I must work out what is for lunch, I guess. Why is there no houmous?

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,
well, I managed to get out of the stupor and do the housework, part of the housework is making a large pot of tea and putting it on the table and drinking it as I work.
Everything is clean and tidy, and I did lemon and coriander couscous and spam, because I managed to open the spam, but I don't like lemon and coriander couscous, I prefer plain.
Then the internet went down and so I went for a walk, I feel awful at the moment, but I had a decent walk, and came back and have managed to get the internet on the other machine for tonight.

Wednesday afternoon

I haven't been able to do much, I have had a collapse, and I can't think straight.
But I managed to wash, as I was taught by the WRAP course, wash, eat, do the necessary things.

I finally managed to open a tin of steak and kidney pie, which was quite tasty, and I had a little Christmas pudding as well, not healthy, but food.
I really can't do much, and unlike in the old days, I don't feel like going out in the bad weather.

I can't tell my story, because no-one is listening and it is not stopping the church from harming me.

The flashbacks are so vivid that they frighten me, I am so afraid of the police and the diocese.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,
I slept eventually, I had many dreams about trying to escape the diocese and their police.
I must have been struggling in my sleep, because I have hit my hand on something , and it is painful.
I am tired and not sure what to do, at least I have tea and orange juice, and even food when I get around to it.
The weather is bad and I am short of money, so I can't do much.

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Tuesday Evening

Here is a song I remember from when I was younger, I used to rewrite it a bit. My sister told me it was about someone considering suicide. She used to like it too, especially when her marriage got in trouble, it always reminds me of their home, and listening to this song there.   Daylight Fading, Counting Crows.

Last night it was hard to sleep because of the behaviour of the Dean and the way people were broadcasting it. It was hard to sleep because I am still being destroyed, so it was hard to wake this morning.

This morning I had been having vivid and sad dreams, I woke and had a cuppa and showered and then it was time to go out.

I went and saw my friends, my corner table was missing, so I ended up sitting on another table, but there was chocolate, so I started eating that, and realised I hadn't had breakfast, so I ate the biscuits with my coffee.

My friends came and made a fuss, they had a present for me, a 'smart' phone, I don't find it very smart, so I have put it in the norty corner and I grump crossly at it, but they meant well by giving it to me, however, simple people need stupid phones, not ones that are too smart for their own good.

Anyway, my friends made a fuss, and then they booted me cheerfully in the direction of the bus stop to get my business done in town, on condition I came back and went home for lunch with them.

So I went in town and did my business and returned and we went and had lunch.
My friend sometimes tries to give me a lot of things, so by the time we had had lunch and went round to their family, I had lots of new things.

It was nice to see their family, because they are lovely. We took one of the girls to her swimming lesson.
It reminded me a lot of things, that children are very vulnerable and trusting and it is good when they are safe, it is lovely when children have a good quality of life, and when I am joining in with things like watching the children swim, it reminds me of what quality of life is or was, and how the Diocese have forever invalidated me, and if they knew where I was, they would invalidate me here and ensure that I couldn't even have a glimpse of what quality of life is, wouldn't let me sit safely with my friends and watch the little one swim.

Anyway, after that, they dropped me of home with my new things and my groceries, and I did myself some rice and pudding for supper, I was going to add spam but I couldn't open the tin.
I felt very tired and very cold, which means I am not alright, so I tucked into bed, tried to warm up but couldn't even though the room was warm, so I had a hot shower and have just stayed in bed.

Monday night

Good evening,
I sometimes get too upset to know what to do, it is lovely to have so much support on twitter and the blogs.
I have mainly been writing and feeling upset, and the evening has gone quickly and I should be asleep but I know I would lie there feeling upset.
I had macaroni cheese, and have watched television a bit.
I must try to sleep.
I am so upset about the Church of England as the Jersey wrongdoers increasingly win and the diocese are preparing to destroy me with their biased reports. What can I do? they have been killing me for five or six years for the crime of being me, being vulnerable and abused and raw, it has to end somewhere, and I think I will just stop living when they publish their cover-us, because I am too broken to be broken more.

Monday, 27 January 2014

Monday afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I didn't have any specific tasks today, so I simply went out and about.
I haven't enough occupation yet, but nor can I just sit indoors, so I took myself out for a long outing, out of my territory and comfort zone, because that is healthy, going out of your comfort zone means you can run back to your comfort zone and hide in the duvet when you get tired.

Anyway, I wandered, and I wandered into a well-stocked charity shop that someone left lying about, you can't leave those things about and not expect me to get nosey.
The lady in the charity shop talked about the bitter cold wind, and I told her I was wearing my thermal vest, because that is smalls talk :)
I had not realized how cold it was until she said it, but I wear my vest when I am out in the wind.

I used to have two thermal vests on the streets, but one had to sorrowfully be binned after years of hard work on the streets, I still have this one, and a new one that my friend got me, but I am used to this one.
It is cold, with bitter winds and wintry showers.
There were times on the streets when I wore both thermal vests, but not often, usually if I was unwell, which is when I really feel the cold.

When I was on the streets, there was always a gap time between when everywhere closes, such as library and shops, and bed time, gap time is the worst because that is when you endure the weather, attacks or being hassled by the police for being homeless.
With a cold wind like this, I am grateful to be indoors and not have that gap time, although I learned to live with it.

Anyway, home, I got supper and milk while I was out, so no need to go back out, unless I am fleeing the police.
I have done my housework and am watching my favourite 'My Parents are Aliens' on television.

Tomorrow I drag myself kicking and screaming to socialize, which means hiding behind the newspaper and drinking coffee :)

Gotta funny thing with this blog, the old therapist checks it every week to see how I am getting on with the new one! :):):)

Monday morning

Good morning,
well last night I lay down and slept, like I used to on the streets, there were dreams, sad ones that remind me that my life has gone, but I slept, from about 10.30pm, so that is good.

I woke at 6.20am, because my brain is very clever, and has already worked out that I am supposed to be up early on Monday to go to therapy.
The only thing is, I do not have therapy today because my therapist is away.

But anyway, I assured my brain it had done well, and then I had plenty of tea and went for my walk.
It was getting light and that is the best time for a walk, when the world is waking up.
My bad leg was fairly good, and my former good leg is still obviously in need of assesment.
There is no other pain today.

I came back and had some hot oats and will have a shower, but seeing as I am not in therapy today, if anyone has any questions for me on either blog, please leave a comment, email or twitter.
Thank you. :) Questions help to motivate me, as it is still not natural for me to talk, even by blog, believe it or not, I don't easily or naturally tell my story and I find it very hard sometimes to know that I have a story and a side to things. This is part of why the Diocese have won with the authorities so long, they have a voice, I do not.

Sunday, 26 January 2014

Sunday Night

Good evening,

Well I did the housework and had humous sandwiches and went to church.
The church I visited was ok, but not inspiring, I was dutifully made welcome and the service was ok, but I don't think I will visit them often, they did invite me back for socials and things and said I was welcome.

I got home and have settled down all comfy.

I have to say, I have kind of got used to this living now, apart from night times still being difficult and my fear of the diocese being very strong, I would be ok living like this, I pray with all my heart that their attacks and reports do not leave me homeless again, they may leave me dead and slander me then though.

I do not have therapy tomorrow but I will try to sleep fairly soon to encourage routine.

Just amusing myself with this old song, random 

Sunday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I had a difficult night and a slow start to the day.
I do not understand the Church of England and their craziness, but I thought they had left off wrecking my life, and it turns out that they are still going to publish reports that wreck my life by excluding me and my side of things.

So, very upset, it was 2am before I slept and 10am before I woke, which is awful, thankfully my church expected me to be away as I was due to visit another church, and so I simply didn't go to church this morning, getting up and sorting myself out took forever, and I didn't eat today until gone 2pm.

The weather has been really bad, but will get better, and I will go church visiting this evening.

Polo is outraged at his lack of babysitting fees and has demanded thrippence by Christmas in wage rise, but I do not think so, he may get an extra potato per month if he's lucky.

Saturday, 25 January 2014

Good evening,
well I had a nice walk, at my own slow peaceful pace. Walking reasonably well but my cervical spine and trapezium muscles are screaming no matter what I do to try and help them.
Oh I wish there was a cure.

Then I went to do some basic shopping, and met all kinds of people who knew me :)
So tomorrow the whole church will know I was out shopping, even if I don't go to church.

I may be visiting another church tomorrow, as I do sometimes.
The weather is forecast really bad.

I got home and have been peacefully writing, watching a film and drinking tea.
And Polo is babysitting me on twitter :) and he doesn't get paid for it.

Good lunchtime,
Well I haven't been out walking yet,
The lake monster film has been on and I have been vaguely watching it, had a shower and have been eating many tuna sandwiches.
Well the house is full of tuna and bread, I feel it is my duty to dispose of some of it :)
Good morning,
It was past midnight by the time I slept, but at least I slept, I need a lot of sleep, which is why I prefer to go to bed at 10pm, I dreamed about some people who are in my life now, and that they were with me in the past when I was homeless and they were worried about leaving me in a twon but I told them I knew where food and shelter were so they were ok to leave me.

I woke at 9.40am! I suppose house dwellers often have a lie in at weekends but I always feel awful about being in bed in the daytime!
anyway, I got up, and 'Fly away home' is on repeat on Movie Mix, and it is a nice simple film.
So I have done porridge and sugar and tea and am watching the film.

My mouth doesn't hurt much at all, but my shoulder and neck are a bit painful, I need to do acupressure and massage.

I will have a shower later and go walking while there is a break in the weather.

Friday, 24 January 2014

Friday Evening

Good evening,
Well when I got home, I had a nice hot shower to ease my muscles and aches, but I was surprised to find that despite the early start and the journey and the rather fierce dentistry and warnings that I would be in pain later, I have felt pretty much ok, the pain in my teeth hasn't really happened, and I haven't taken any painkillers, and the muscle aches are there in the background but no killer pain in my shoulder or neck.

I really relaxed and feel so much better than yesterday, I have watched 'Fly away Home' on Movie Mix and I got warm and comfy and dozy watching that and drinking tea.

I was hoping to go for a walk and maybe have a swim at the evening session at the pool, but the weather turned so bad that the most I could do was battle my way through the rain to the shop for something I needed.
I have had a cottage pie for tea, and am lying in bed feeling grateful that I am not on the streets in this weather and weekend night.

No one wants to play on twitter but never mind, maybe I should do some kindle or real book reading and drink some tea :)

My walking is really bad, it hasn't got better for days, I need physio but I am really low on money.

Friday afternoon

Good afternoon,

well this morning I was up, bright and far too early, and managed my journey ok.
Arrived home safely and endured a very painful dental appointment, ouch! dentists are mean! They stick needles in and drill until you have to be peeled off the ceiling! :) still, he's a nice guy, and he did all the work at once, so I could cancel my next appointment and just have a checkup in six months time, and I like my new teef, they look much better.
He told me not to eat or drink for three hours! Can you imagine no cuppa for three hours? no, me neither, so I figured he must be mistaken.

Anyway, then I went to speak to my computer genius, and he will borrow my computer for surgery next weekend! :(

Here I am home, my spine is rattled from the journey, and the dental visit, believe it or not, that can set it off complaining!
Dentists are funny, they say 'have a rinse if you would like to', as if you would not like to rinse all the blood and filling and broken toof out of your mouf.

well now I can have a restful weekend, I cancelled tomorrow as I have to go to London next weekend and I am low on funds.

I can't get this out of my head, it was best when Arthur sang it for Marion, but I can't get it out of my head, was worrying everyone in the terminal by singing it this morning

Friday morning

Good morning,
Well after all my worries about sleeping, I was asleep by 11pm-ish, and woke at 4.20am, I have showered and am drinking tea and waiting to go.

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Thursday Evening

Good evening,
I am really not feeling well.
Which is a pain because I have a long journey and an early start in the morning.
I really need to sleep and get up early.
The weather is going to be bad too :(

I wish someone could come and sit with me.
I get the shivers but my head is hot and my eyes keep drying out even with eye drops.
I want to go out and cool down but I am so tired and I felt weak when I went outside, I want to stay here but I feel hot and useless.
I can't achieve anything with my writing today and I just don't know what to do or where to go.

Thursday lunchtime

Well it's lunchtime and I think I have to admit I am not well, I didn't feel too bad this morning, but as I went for my walk I felt increasingly tired and in pain, walking has got more difficult, and I walked the cliffs and down to the sea, looked up at Noirmont, the dark cliff against the sea, and remembered that this was what I was looking at when I decided I wanted to stay in Jersey all those years ago.
I ran out of energy and after having some lunch, I crawled home.

I do not really know why I am ill, I am in pain in my usual cervical vertebrae and trapezium muscles, which in itself is enough to make me ill, but it isn't too bad at the moment, it is the sudden slump into exhaustion and just feeling dreadful that isn't quite right, although I am not sleeping well.
I hope it gets better.
I really feel like sleeping, but I need to learn to sleep at night.

Thursday morning

Good morning,
well, I woke late and groggy, I will have a shower and then have a walk along to cliff, down to my favourite cafe.
I will then do something else but I do not know what, I have energy despite not sleeping till 2am, and I am walking reasonably well and have recovered from that scary asthma attack.
Lazy day, I think, but I must do a bit of writing later, I guess, start thinking about published work.
Don't worry, diocese, I am not turning you into a book yet, I have other subjects to work on :)

Thursday 1.15am

I can't sleep, I am too anxious and I just lie here uncomfortably.
I have had three herbal tablets but I am awake, tired, headachy, and my lungs hurt :(

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Wednesday evening

Good evening,
Well I am feeling slightly more lively, although I have just had a sudden asthma attack, it was an allergic reaction but I am not sure what to. It was sudden and really quite scary, thankfully I still have a bit of inhaler left so I am recovering rapidly.
I am still baffled as to the Jersey situation, what happened to the islands being transferred to Europe? I thought that was ideal, Bishop Trevor goes along with the culty charismatic games in the Jersey churches and he is also supportive of JM and the Ould bully's behaviours, isn't handing the islands over to him another disaster?
Never mind, I am honestly nothing to do with any of that any more, I did not ask to be dragged into it by Bishop Dakin and his police, I had moved on from it all.


Good evening,
Well I haven't really got my energy back.
I did get some things done today though, risk and achievement.

I also commited an outrageous act of rebellion, I bought some pyjamas.
 I have not owned such things for many a year.
Since coming back indoors, I have worn my old thermal leggings and a cotton top at night, and while homeless I slept fully clothed and with boots on, for safety, previous to that, in Jersey, I wore the infamous blue tracksuit trousers and a teeshirt, and a jumper if it was cold. The only pyjamas I have worn in many years are those that my friend keeps in her airing cupboard for when I stay over :)

I got very tired today, and a bit cold, now I am warm and sleepy and still very tired.

Wednesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,
I was struggling to walk this morning but I had a walk along the cliffs, the sea was almost calm but enough surf was hitting the cliff to make it satisfactory.
I have been into town and been about my business, whatever that is, but my energy went suddenly, and I am so exhausted that I am tempted to lie down and sleep, which is not good, it is only lunch time, what is the world coming to? :(

Wednesday morning

Good morning,
Well I tried something epic last night, sleeping without herbal tablets.
I went to bed at 10pm, which is my natural bed time, but I lay awake for a very long time, maybe 90 minutes or two hours, then I fell asleep.
I slept lightly, with dreams, and drifted into half-sleep, half-awake by morning.
Eventually I got up, went to the loo and drank water, but the duvet was comfy so I got back in bed, when I looked at the time it was 7.15, just getting light, I opened the window and the seagulls were shouting, I have a kettle by my bed, very handy, so I am having a nice cup of tea and then I will have a walk on the cliff before heading for town.

I wont be doing much on the blogs until this evening, I have business to attend.

For those who don't know, this blog was merged with 'The Wanderer', the two year day-to-day blog, so you can scroll back to the blog of life on the streets before this blog was launched on 19th December last year, and read about real life on the streets before the Diocese wrecked my life again.

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

I guess I have to make an observation, this blog is quite well read, I am not surprised the other blog is well read, but this blog is only about me pottering dozily along, I wonder why it is so well read?
I am sitting in bed, which is a highly comfy idea, I am tired and will probably sleep soon, even though I am in an unfamiliar place.



I am cold
I am confused
not sure where to turn
shaky and weak

where do I go
what do I do
life has changed
who will help me?

I turn this way and that
seeking comfort or hope
familiarity and warmth
but I am alone with my pain

Tuesday evening

Good evening, very tired, walked along the cliffs and was tempted to spout poetry because the thundering waves and wind reflected my frustration and anger and distress and answered it.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,
well I am not going to go and be socialized today, because I am busy.
Last night I could not sleep, and I was in pain, so in the end I used topical pain relief and an extra herbal tablet, slept eventually.
Woke this morning quite relaxed, high dose sleeping tablet tends to make me quite relaxed.
I got up and collected up the washing off the radiators and put the kettle on, did tea and toast, showered, cleaned the bathroom as I dressed, and I have a lot to do but am not getting much done yet.
It was a misty start but has cleared to a cloudy day.

Monday, 20 January 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,
Well I am very tired.

Last night it was midnight when I got to sleep, and I woke at 5.50am when my alarm went off, my alarm was sitting on the biscuit tin in order to make more noise so that I would wake.
I was up at once, not groggy, had a wash and chewed a slice of toast with some tea as I stood outside and watched the lights all shining in the dark.
I had a quick wash and dressed and headed for the bus stop.

On the bus and on the way, got to therapy in time, therapy was ok, the therapist talked about similarities in severe trauma and autism, yeah, I know . Next week is a week off from therapy.

Anyway, my friend was due to meet me after therapy, she actually met me before therapy and made sure I had a snack and a drink, then she came and collected me after therapy and we had a cuppa and some lunch and a few hours of good nattering.

I was very tired after this, and made my way home. Got here, put a film on, got the washing in, did some supper, now I just need a shower.
Tomorrow is a busy day, so is Friday, but I will cancel Saturday.

The computer is continuing to play up, I think it may be coming to the end of a remarkable life, I have had this one for two years.
All my writing is backed up, thankfully.

Sunday, 19 January 2014

Sunday night

Good evening,
well I have had more computer trouble and have been on the other computer.
I have done a lot of housework, a lot of work, and had a bath, and now it is later than intended and I have an early start, a busy day and a busy week coming up.

I am surprised that this computer actually booted and is running, lets see if it can keep that up.
My stew was not great, but was edible, I am not a good cook.

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

well last night, as with all Saturday nights for some reason, I struggled to get to sleep.
Eventually, 1.30am, I slept, which is useless because I am too tired in the morning then.
I resisted taking an extra sleeping tab because that would send me groggy during the day.

I got up in a muddle and got tea and dressed, not much time for anything else as I was being collected for church.

Church was ok, it is a bit like a marshmallow.
Well that's a funny comment but it is, church is kind of fluffy and harmless, very little of the harsh and terrifying that church used to be for me. Church just happens now, no fuss, very little flashback and nothing scary.
After church, I went on the radiator, which has become my place instead of the VIP corner (very irritating person corner). So people congregate round my radiator and tell me all sorts of things, which is good :) And the Sunday school sweets always end up in that area too :)

Anyway, I got a lift home, wondered what to do next as the oddments on the cupboard did not add up to much, so I threw them all in the slow cooker, it hasn't exploded yet but I think the result will be 'stewp' a cross between stew and soup, I am safe with slow cookers because I am less likely to forget and burn things or leave things on, and a slow cooker can turn anything into a stew.

 I will have a shower or something and do the housework that I am not supposed to do on a Sunday, but I do not think God objects, I think the principle is that people should rest, and I will.
I might go for a walk in this rare sunshine.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

saturday afternoon

Good afternoon.
Well it is a better day, more productive, my computer which has infuriatingly  been blinking and changing what I have been doing, has been fixed, and I have also sorted out other things, so my life goes through further transitions soon, please fasten your seatbelts and expect turbulance :)

I have had a nice day out and done some walking.
I am surprised to see the blog stats suddenly sharply drop, is everyone busy with the by-election?

I hope to continue blogging about Jersey and other things later, but I am going to do some jigsaw and reading and maybe relax a bit, I am afraid to relax in case the diocese hurt me again, I am like a mouse expecting a cat to pounce, all the time.

The diocese are the one thing, apart from the Ould Bully, that make me go irrational, screaming mad, and generally rather cross and loopy :)

Saturday morning

Good morning,

Last night I got to sleep, not too late.
I didn' have nightmares exactly, mainly just distressing dreams about Bishops and Diocese.
I dreamed I was down at Ocean Village in Southampton and there were some lovely wooden built boats, and I was admiring them and suddenly someone towed them all away and they were smashed up in the water, and it was Bishop Dakin towing them away by tractor, even though he was in the water. And Mrs Scott-Joynt was there and tried to tell me that it was ok and didn't matter that the boats were ruined, but I thought it was a sad unneccesary waste.
Anyway, I was glad to wake up, I woke and opened all the windows and did tea and orange juice, because I don't like breakfast in the morning, now I am just having a quiet lazy time because I have nothing more to do until later.

I am missing my stalkerstat, missing:one stalkerstat, goes under Gosport/Portmouth on safari browser usually, has been with me from the start, helps boost the stats by logging in every few hours, has Fridays off, very lonely without them, come back stalkerstat, all is forgiven, except the times you turn your head away when we are talking, cos' that's just annoying. :)

Friday, 17 January 2014

Friday night

Friday Night, still awake even after a bath while reading Alan Tichmarsh's 'Rosie', which is a sweet book.
I have had my herbal tabs, I am listening to classic fm, but I am still wide awake.
Outside it is rainy and windy.
I am missing my stalkerstat today, but I know Friday is the day off.

Friday evening

Good evening,
I am grateful not to be sleeping rough tonight, because weekends are always the most noisy and dangerous times on the streets, drunk people are unpredictable and can wander off course and stumble over rough sleepers, and kick them etc.
Yes, it does happen, even the beggars who take advantage of the partygoers on weekend nights can get kicked or beaten.

Anyway, I went for a nice walk, I am usually afraid to go out, but when I get walking I end up going too far away, as if I am trying to go back to my old life, and then I get tired and end up struggling to get home, I was exhausted and my leg was dragging on the way back.
But I got bread and milk at the shop, and cooked supper when I got home.

Tired now, early night I think, I may jigsaw, read or watch tv before sleep.
I haven't stopped writing about Jersey on the other blog, I have to have a break as I got so upset.

Friday Afternoon

Well I did the housework, and I washed my hair with medicine shampoo.
I realised that I scratch my head all the time, and I wasn't sure if it was nerves or dry scalp from indoors or just an itchy scalp, so I got coal tar shampoo and my head already feels happier, and I can get high from sniffing the shampoo too.
I love the smell of coal tar.

Friday Morning

Good morning.
I slept eventually.
I had dreams, vivid, strange dreams, including dreaming about houses and churches and money.
I woke up feeling depressed and panicky, I am glad the radio still turns on on it's own because it helps to soothe me out of distress when I wake.

I have had some tea but I need to shower and eat, and I don't really want to face the day, another day under the shadow of the Great Grim Church.

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Thursday Night

Good evening,
I am getting a lot of stats, are you waiting for an update?

well last night it was hard to settle to sleep. Eventually I did, had dreams, including a nightmare, woke all groggy and upset, did breakfast and shower very slowly.
I was asked why I have to hide from the Diocese, 'sobviousinnit?

eventually I managed to drag myself away from the computer, and I had a journey to make and lots to do, saw another rainbow.
I am not designed for interaction, and I found the day exhausting and not very productive, the depression is not helping.

The problem with being in a house is that I feel frightened and insecure and afraid of the diocese and police, I struggle to settle to sleep at night because I am so anxious, and I know sleep and semi-sleep is the time I suffer most and cannot dissociate, so at night I take herbal tablets that cause grogginess in the morning, and in the day I take 5-HTP to try and combat the house-related depression, I also need eye drops and moisturizer because houses are so dry.
If I was outdoors, as soon as I found somewhere hidden to sleep, I would feel better, this depression would lift and I would be sleeping well after a week to adjust, it would be such a relief.
The other problem with indoors is that outdoors kept my spine happy most of the time, and increasingly where that benign tumour on my back is, it hurts and aches and sometimes affects the way I walk, I think it doesn't like indoors and beds, and I think it may be pressing a bit on my spine or a nerve. It has moved a bit so it is more on my spine, or maybe it has grown a little bit.
I cannot risk being traced again by the police and diocese, and the diocese has made my relationship with doctors very difficult, so at the moment I will leave it, it is benign but just a slight nuisance these days.

Anyway, I came home an hour ago and am drinking tea, listening to classical music and already drugged by the herbal stuff, someone has been encouraging me to take chamomile tea at bed time, but it tastes like weeds and I do not like it and I think it is triggering more vivid dreams. Also I am not sure if it is safe with herbal sleep tablets.

The weather is very wet and windy.

I keep thinking I will burst into poetry, as I do when depressed, I used to warn the readers of the 'homeless' (offline) blog when I was about to get poetic :)

Not much else to tell you, I have done the houshold chores and eaten meals as usual, all very boring.

Wednesday, 15 January 2014

Wednesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

well last night I was asleep by 11.30pm, which is an improvement, but I had fierce nightmares during the night, some quite shocking.
I woke at 4am and went to the loo and then went back to sleep full of vivid waking dreams.

I got up this morning and was slow because it was a quiet day, with only a few tasks to do in town, and then I am just resting, reading and listening to Classic FM, I have a jigsaw, I have 'Life of Pi' to read, and I have rice and something to do for supper. I also have a pot of tea.

The weather is changeable but I saw a beautiful full rainbow earlier.

I will do some more on the other blog later.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

Tuesday evening

well, this morning I went to collect my new glasses.
I also went to socialize, and was very sociable, doing the telegraph crossword and drinking coffee.
The rest of the day has been tasks and writing, and tomorrow is a rare quiet day before it gets busy again.
So I may well do some writing tomorrow.
The weather has been fairly clear but rain is setting back in.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,
I am still asleep.
I would give today a miss and sleep, but I have to go and pick up my new glasses and go and socialize.
I didn't even need sleeping tabs last night, I slept from 10pm, which is when I should go to sleep, and woke half an hour ago.
I am very tired.
t is a nice sunny day, and I will probably revive in the shower.

Monday, 13 January 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,
Just to say, nothing to say.
I had a dental appointment and was good and did not bite the dentist.
Even when he told me that I need a bit of work done.
I am tired now, therapy and dentistry are tiring things.
It is taking too long to push the other blog to 10,000 pageviews, come on! :)

Monday afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well I went to therapy this morning, and it was very similar to the therapy I used to have.
I did some drawing while talking.

Then I have been busy with other odds and ends to ensure that I am able to proceed with therapy.
I think, apart from lack of money, the diocese of winchester are the main threat to my therapy, as, if they continue to launch on me and destroy me, then I will have to stop therapy as I had to last year.
I pray that they will not attack me, that they will go and play on a minefield or something nice like that.

Sunday, 12 January 2014

Sunday Evening

Good evening,
A long day.
Went to church this morning but unfortunately I went very groggy.
I don't react very well to herbal sleeping tablets and they can make me groggy and give me muscle aches during the day, and last night I took the full three tablets to try and drown the diocese of winchester out so I could sleep.
I had to go out in the fresh air before the service started, and then I was still groggy really during the service.

After the service, we went and had a lovely lunch and spent the afternoon talking, I haven't gone to evening church, I had a shower and am just resting, I do too much socializing at the moment and it tires me out.

Sunday morning

Sunday morning,
sleepy and yawning.

It will be church time soon and then I am out to lunch, so I will not be updating.

Yesterday was a rare glorious sunny winter day, today it is cloudy and murky.
My dreams were troubled by the Diocese and their deceit.

Saturday, 11 January 2014

How to help me

How to help me is a basic straightforward guide to helping me, people have consistently forgotten that I am a real human person with feelings, and have a habit, when they get involved, of going behind my back with decisions, discussions about me and deciding on and implementing what they consider to be 'help' for me.
Which tends to leave me humiliated and angry.

  • Help me by including me in discussions and decisions, do not make major decisions for me or behind my back, otherwise you will frighten and embarrass me and I do not necessarily want what you want for me or see it as appropriate, this is my right as an adult.
  • Help me by not forcing on me when you do discuss things with me, I am sure you mean well but what you think may help may not, for example, if you want me to go into a Christian community, you need to take into account my misgivings based on my experiences and understand that maybe as someone who craves solitude, it would be the wrong environment for me.
  • Do not liase with the Church of England or anyone or any organization associated with them with regards to helping me, because they have seriously harmed me and I will react with shock and anger and distress when I find out, which I will.
  • Do not trivialize what I have been through or try to tell me that what happened to me didn't or was something different or that I am not being truthful, I cannot see any way I could gain from being untruthful and I will not tell you something made up, I will only tell you what happened to me. Telling me it was not the case or that I am mentally ill and therefore not valid injures me, firstly because I am not seriously mentally ill, secondly because I know what happened to me, and thirdly because invalidating people with mental illness just because of their illness is terrible anyway, and such people are very vulnerable to abuse and exploitation and being told that it is their illness rather than the reality. (The police's attitude to me was consistently appalling in their claims that it was all just me and that I was insane).
  • Talk to me. 
  • Do not put me at risk of being traced by the Diocese of Winchester.
These points are made with experiences in mind  of being let down and being genuinely helped. My friends have helped me by keeping confidences completely after finding out how the diocese were continuing to harm me, and anyone who I can trust not to betray me to the diocese can potentially help me.
My experiences of being deceived and betrayed are also very real and very raw. I have to remain a fugitive until somehow the reassurance comes that I can be safe from the diocese and their police.

Saturday evening

Good evening,
well this afternoon I went for a short walk, it has been a beautiful cold clear winter day, how it should be.

Then this evening was another party, as well as a lot of blogging because some desparate person claimed that the Diocese of Winchester has safeguarding, haha, thats a good one!

I am tired now, I guess I have lived a full day, but someone keeps leaving the door open so I wander nosily out into the beautiful cold clear night :)

My arm is bruised from falling, it keeps surprising me by how much it hurts, but nothing broken.

Saturday Lunchtime

Good afternoon.
Well I woke up this morning and wandered into the shower before I was really awake.
Then I did the washing and hoovered the carpet.

Then i had to go out and go and watch the skating.
I do not think it is fair that I can only watch and cannot skate any more.
My last attempt at skating was about 3 or 4 months ago. My body is too smashed up for skating any more but I long to skate, I loved skating so much, and having to watch it makes me feel so sad and full of longing, but even wearing the skates hurts me and on the ice I am so painful and stiff :(
I wish that something would magically change, so that I could afford the physio, the treatment and coaching to get myself back into some kind of physical fitness and overcome the pain, but the diocese's crazy actions prevented me from even proceeding with hydrotherapy :(

I can't even afford to live at the moment.

Friday, 10 January 2014

Friday night, ouch

Good evening,
You have to be very sympathetic because I fell and hurt myself.
I bumped my hands and arms, ouch.
My thumb was very hurt and I couldn't move it for a minute, so I ran water on it and it is bruised not broken.

That is my first fall for some time, I used to fall quite easily if my leg gave way, but I don't often fall now.

We were just doing the Beatitudes, I worry so much about the meek inheriting the earth, because I think they will only inherit it if no-one else minds, and they might be too meek and then the earth will get in a muddle and blow up.

Friday afternoon

Good afternoon.
I have been working to other people's schedules all day and I am exhausted. This is partly because I have been so used to being alone on the streets and partly because I am autistic and solitude and my own schedule are so natural to me.

I am just home, back in bed and so tempted to sleep, but if I do, it may disrupt my sleep tonight, I am shattered, but hopefully if I just quietly read, I will feel refreshed later.

Friday lunch time

Today I helped clean the church, which involves skirting boards and roundly chastising the dust.
I have been wheezing for the last few days, but I am not very good at knowing about wheezing, because I was only diagnosed as asthmatic since becoming homeless and am still not very good at it, it is rattling whistling noises.
Now I have to return to tasks.

Friday morning

Good morning.
I still have trouble getting to sleep, but I am sleeping better, I wake up feeling relaxed, like I used to when I was sleeping rough. I still have vivid dreams and I still can't face the world in the morning though.

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Thursday Night

Good evening,
I think the 5-HTP is already working, I feel more comfy inside.
Just plodding on with various projects.
You know how flashbacks mean that I do not feel safe, because I expect the diocese to have me trapped and brutalized and imprisoned again? That is what is going on when the diocese intervene and I go bonkers.
I just keep expecting them to go on taking everything away and not allowing me to live, and I know how they can do that through other people, so I feel unsafe and insecure.

Thursday evening

Good afternoon.
Well I slept eventually last night, woke at a reasonable hour.

Today I tidied up, myself, my room, my things. Showered, ate, had a walk, did some shopping.
This afternoon at my friends' house, I am in the norty corner because I accidentally broke the little toy golfer in the golf game, he needs plastic surgery now.
I must remember washing and watering.

Some people have suggested I go into a Christian community, but considering my background, I would only become distressed if I did.
And the record the diocese have branded me with would mean no community will ever accept me, just as no employer and no university and most areas of society outside the underworld I am forced to live in ever will.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

wednesday evening

Well I was so tired when I headed home, exhausted, so I sat in bed and read kindle books and looked at the internet, I got my 'Homecoming' book today and I started that too.
I was so sleepy but if I slept earlier I wont sleep tonight.
I am really thrown and traumatized by the church of england re-appearing, why can't they go on a minefield or something nice like that?
Did a bit of jigsaw puzzle.
My friends are concerned about the situation with the church and so am I, why do I need this horrific stress of being a fugitive from the godless diocese? when will it end? when the next police beating kills me?

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,
I slept last night, eventually. I dreamed about guns and all kinds of things, in part of the dream there was a panicking cow running round the room and I spoke reassuringly to it, and it calmed down and drooled happily on the furniture. Those who don't know, I used to work with cows, and when they drool, they really drool, those black and white ones.

Anyway, then I have had a bus ride and am sitting in a cafe with a hot chocolate.
I have no plans except to do some writing when I go back later, I am staying out and about to try and calm down.

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Tuesday Evening

Just as we start getting me back towards work, therapy and normal life, the blasted diocese relaunch and leave me shocked and traumatized.
I am at my friends, we were having a nice meal and this has ruined it.
The diocese of winchester are vicious Godless, mindless life-wreckers, they don't give a damn that this has upset me and my friends, they do not have souls, feelings or a scrap of empathy.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,
Please excuse the lack of posts today.
I had nightmares last night and slept from midnight until sleepy 8.30ish.

I went to the cafe and ended up being a volunteer, no objections there, worked hard, and then helped set up for toddlers in church, had lunch out and have been trying to do some writing.
Nothing else much going on, supper with friends, next week is to be the busy week, and I start therapy next Monday.

Monday, 6 January 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,
Well some light gardening for my friends helped to bring me back to calm and cheerful this morning, and then a tasty hot cheese panini and a strong mug of tea left me even more cheerful.
Then I headed for town to run this and that errand and do various tasks and get a few bits of shopping.
Then I have had a good supper and watched some television and am just settling to sleep.
Experimenting with the herbal stuff because 2 or 3 makes me dozy the next day and 1 is not enough, so I have had 1.5 herbal sleep tablets and hope that works.

Tomorrow is social day, we park me in a corner and I drink coffee and listen to everyone talking, and that is my socialization, until I have had too much coffee and they have to peel me off the ceiling :)

Monday morning

Good morning,
I am sitting in bed with a drink of tea.
I slept from 11.30pm to 6am, which is still a slightly too short sleep for me, but I was woken by nightmares and went into flashbacks and negativity so I had to get up and get a hot drink to calm me down.

The nightmare was about the police, and when I wake from such dream, I tend to see everything very negatively and I remember things such as how Jane Fisher has got away with slandering me and lying about me, and how I am condemned and how my side of things has been ignored by the diocese at all points and I have not been interviewed for their bonkers reports.
It harms me, it harms me that they portray me as mad and bad and override my side of things.

The weather is bad too, hailstorms.

Sunday, 5 January 2014

Sunday night

Good evening.
Just a quiet evening reading and writing. A bit of sorting the room out. I didn't feel like evening church,. but I don't always.
Well this blog is going to decrease, because I am not really doing much, as I implied earlier, baths and food are not really news.
I plod on indoors, although I still long for the streets and feel very vulnerable to the diocese and their police and random attacks that will leave me homeless again, and it remains a fact that I am so badly off that there isn't much between me and the streets.
I will continue to post, especially to update about therapy and if ATOS take my benefits and leave me homeless and destitute, because sadly JSA wont be enough to live on and thanks to the diocese's bonkers actions, I am not fit for work yet, as I hoped to be.
But I will do less posts. Sorry stalkerstat, I know you check in every few hours, feel free to leave a message about your outrage. Only joking, you are ok.

Sunday lunchtime

went to church, enjoyed it, my friend preached.
Afterwards I sat on the radiator with a few others and talked.

I am having Sunday lunch with friends but my mind boggled because apparently the chicken didn't defrost, so lunch is upside down.
How do you eat upside down lunch?

Sunday 9am

Good morning,
well, as you see, I didn't update yesterday, I was tired when I got back.

I like days out, because I know that there are cups of tea everywhere in this world.
Once I get orientated and become less afraid of the people I am ok.

It was raining but that was ok, my friend took me to the station, but we had to change our route because of floods.

And all public transport was ok, so I got there.

Now, my idea of a day out is to go to a different town and sit in the library :)

So I sat in the library there, although that wasn't the full purpose of the trip, then I had a few things to do, and I did some things, got a coffee, phoned my friend and arranged to meet.

My friend met me and we went and met someone else and went to a meeting, I was relieved to have my friend there as she was a great help, and then we had soup and rolls for lunch and then she had to go and I went shopping and headed home.
The temperature was dropping, so when I got home I had fish pie and a nice bath.
I got herbal sleep tablets when I was out, just while I learn to sleep properly again.
I slept from 11.30pm to 8am, which is better, I need lots of sleep, no nightmares again, just vivid dreams.

I woke up feeling all warm and comfy and wanting another few hours sleep.

I wonder about this blog, writing about fish pie and baths is not the same as writing about the rapists and murderers I met at soup kitchen.

Saturday, 4 January 2014

Good morning,
Well I went to sleep at midnight and woke at 6.30, and am chewing some toast and I have a second cuppa tea, I have a nice day out today, only the weather is quite bad, even though the wind was supposed to drop.

Friday, 3 January 2014

Friday evening

Good evening,
Very weary here, lovely party, I will not be awake until 1am, I am exhausted.
we had fun party games and it has been great, but I keep running out of energy, so I quietly wander off and read my kindle books about attachment theory.
I am on the second book now. Addicted, and learning a lot.

Parties are funny because of someone asks you for a teeny bit of trifle and you take them literally, everyone laughs, so that is fun :)

I am having a day out tomorrow, so that is good.

Friday afternoon

I have done the windows and am hiding, because it is too stressful.
Someone kindly emailed me an amazon voucher recently, so that I could get books on attachment theory, so I have downloaded a kindle book and am already learning more about who I am and why.

There is quite a sunset the other side of the storm clouds.

If anyone would like to email me Amazon vouchers, I can buy teabags and books and all sorts of useful things :)

lunchtime Friday 3rd

Last night I didn't sleep until 1am, I am really an early to bed and early to rise person but I am so afraid of indoors that it is hard to settle.
So, I did sleep but as ever, it was full of nightmares, the only difference is, if I am here with my friends, I feel safe when I wake up, rather than staying in flashbacks, so that is good.

I did breakfast for everyone, and it reminded me of being a child again, doing breakfast for all my family.
Only back then I was a child in a large family, and all the tasks seemed so hard back then, ever since then, as an adult, domestic tasks seem so easy, but I am always nervous of doing food or drinks for people in case I get it wrong.

I have had a walk, but I had to shelter from gale-blown hailstorms, which are still raging.
I am just chilling out after lunch as it is stressy here as we have a party tonight, fortunately I know everyone, but pre-party house is too stressful for me, but I will clean the windows and put the lights up later.

seven minutes past midnight 03/01/2014

I am sitting writing a short story and listening to Classic FM on a low volume.
I am not sleepy yet and would just lie there tense if I was to try to sleep.

Today, January 3rd, is the third anniversary of the death of my friend who died estranged from me by the Diocese of Winchester's interference and slander of me after their repeated humiliating violations of the friendship.
I will do something during the day to commemorate her death, lighting a candle or similar.

After doing the garden while my friends were out shopping (yesterday now) we had a late lunch, and only a few hours later we went out to a family party, it was a lovely evening, it was one of the girls' birthdays, so we had a party tea and then watched her opening her presents, one of these presents was a very large one in an oversize cardboard box, and we spent most of the evening entertained by two excited young children and an equally excited young dog turning the giant box into a great adventure and forgetting all about the presents.

Even light work can affect me adversely at the moment, it hurt my legs and spine, but I am ok, I may be very stiff in the morning but never mind, just being able to do something useful was lovely.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Thursday lunchtime

Good lunchtime to you,

I am staying with my friends, chilling out, well, today I am doing light gardening duties for them while they are out shopping, and tonight we are going out, so again, excuse the lack of writing.
I am in pain in my shoulder, but nonetheless, it is nice to be working, and I have stopped for a tea and painkiller break before I plough on with my work.

Nothing deeply exciting to tell you, just that I am working on ensuring I can reliably attend my therapy, as it is vital. Gotta push on and move forward yerknow.

Wednesday, 1 January 2014

New Years Payers

New Years Day evening,
Prayers, resolutions, greetings.

Good evening, well I am not feeling great, it has been a stressful start to the New Year, with flashbacks, nightmares, bad weather and insomnia. Things can only get better, I hope.

My resolutions, or revolutions are, to cut down on salt and sugar, be more considerate, stop being a wide gob, and to persevere with indoors living and finding ways to ensure my therapy can proceed,
 (the trouble with this therapy is that I need to attend every single week, I cannot miss a week, thus I need to ensure the funds and being able to get there, although finance for transport has been offered).
Some people say that resolutions should be secret, but I am not superstitious.

In the Catholic church we confess our sins to each other and God like this:
I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sisters, that I have greatly sinned, through my fault, through my own grevious fault - or similar, that makes us accountable.
So, I confess to you I have sinned, repented and asked God for forgiveness. Amen

In 2013, under great stress from the Church of England, my friends and church and people trying to help me have seen the worst side of me, under severe stress and angry and frightened, avoidant and bewildered, I confess I have worried and stressed my friends and I am sorry.
I confess any other sins that I cannot bring to mind, repent, and resolve to move forward with new intent in this New Year, Amen.

I pray for anyone, who, like me, finds it hard to see new hope in the New Year, for whatever reason, illness, homelessness, grief, break-up of relationships, storm damage, financial difficulties, abuse, trauma, or any other hurts that mean that this New Year's Day brings more despair. Amen

I pray for and bless all who have supported and helped me, and wish them a happy New Year, and likewise I pray for and bless all who have harmed me, especially those in the Church of England. Amen

New Years Day Evening

I am still here, just preoccupied. I slept this afternoon to try and catch up on lost sleep.
Then it was supper and we watched the Vienna concert, which was awesome.

My neck and shoulder are slightly in spasm which means I am not too well.
I will be writing but don't worry if it is less at the moment.

New Years (very gloomy) message

Good morning,
Well the weather is a bit bad.

It is 2014, and I hope it is a better year, 2013 was a very tough year because the Diocese of Winchester harmed me for 9 months and there was nothing to show for what they did except my life in tatters, me in hiding and the whole rebuild of my life including college and my charity work ruined and terminated because of the serious damage done to me by the Diocese, I had to quit college and I am very sad about that as it was productive, beneficial and focused.

It was March that the Diocese launched on me in a very unmanaged and harmful way, and the end of November by the time they had wrecked my life and left me very unwell, that is most of the year ruined, and I pray earnestly that they do not do any kind of repeat performance or follow-up this year.

I do not need the Diocese's troubles, in my own life I remain vulnerable to dangerous and abusive situations, because, even though I can say that, I still cannot judge motives and can still end up in inappropriate and potentially dangerous situations, as I have done several times in the past year, and having such a one-sided and damaging record from the diocese means I am more at risk, cannot defend myself and have no access to police assistance or protection. I have not improved very much on my ability to judge potentially dangerous or abusive  situations, but I feel that if I can both stay off the streets and stay clear of the Diocese and their police, I can go on trying to survive and go on battling to access therapy, and hopefully, with time, my understanding of interpersonal relationships will improve and I will be less vulnerable as well as less fearful and unable to respond to help because of attachment disorder.

It all seems a bit hopeless, my safety and my access to protection from abuse have been ripped from me by the Diocese's need to brand me a criminal and defame me and label me as mad and bad, it leaves a very bleak future whichever way I look at it, I will always be a fugitive from their branding of me and will always have poor quality of life and be at risk and in fear, especially as my problems make their branding of me appear justified despite it being unchristian, callous and wrong, none of them would want to be ruined for being abused and suffeirng disorders beyond their control and unable to cope with the damage, this is why I ask God to let this year be the year that I quietly pass away, another 30 or 40 years of this damaged life is a horrifying thought, though the collective damage to me means I believe my lifespan is already significantly shortened.

As I cannot marry and raise a family, work in a productive or skilled job, let alone work at all, am limited as to what charity work I can do, am villified, branded and denied a second chance at life by the Diocese's recent actions and severely traumatized and physically and emotionally damaged and terrified of intervention, my prayer for death is not irrational or induced by the mental illness that the diocese, unqualified to make such diagnosis, tried to force me to have, and which has been refuted repeatedly, my wish to depart the world is rational and based on the reality of the seriousness of my situation and the lack of hope for anything better or any return of quality of life, escape from poverty and the dangers of the underworld in which I am forced to live, and is not accompanied by suicidal thoughts.

Basically, living in a world where abusers are believed, supported, sheltered, condoned, have a blind eye turned to them, and usually women, children and the vulnerable have to endure abuse and suffer worse if they report it, is not a good thing, the hardest thing in this world is to live in it, and I am waiting on God to be merciful and free me from a world where I am judged worse than an abuser by 'Christians'. Who have no qualms or conscience about their own actions and behaviour and see themselves as good and Christian, despite their untruths, cover-ups, harmful behaviour, abuse, lack of responsibility and accountability, and more.

I didn't sleep until 5am this morning and woke at 8, I am sitting in bed as the rain and wind batter the house, and feeling a bit fed up because I don't drink, didn't drink last night but I have a hangover from lack of sleep.
At least I do not have to go anywhere today, and I pray for all the homeless out in this weather, for shelter.
Because I am the lucky one for now, I am not out in it, but I know what it is like to be homeless in bad weather when everywhere is closed for Christmas and New Year.

Later I will do some New Year's prayers and resolutions.

Last night I was telling someone about the dustbins talking when I was homeless.
I am very active in my sleep, I snore, talk, scream, lash out with my fists, and once in Jersey I even ran out of my room and across the landing, screaming in my sleep.
Being so noisy and disrupted in sleep is not a great thing for a rough sleeper as it can give your hiding place away and put you at risk, and when I was sleeping among the dustbins once, my friend said she came along and she could hear the dustbins chattering away. (it was me, talking in my sleep, I am not mad) :)
Another thing I did when I was sleeping in a church porch was I hit the door so hard that I broke a few nails and had a green hand from the algae on the door. Woah!

Please excuse the gloom of the New Years Message, things can only get better, and it would be nice if I could hope that they would.

Happy New 2014

Happy New Year,
New Year is about staying up late, drinking tea and watching films, so we duly done that and now I should go to sleep but I don't know if I will, yes I probably will.
Now it is the new year, back to normal, whatever that is.
The fireworks were lovely.
Will it be a better year? Can it be worse? I guess the Diocese have the answers.
I will be told off it I do not go to sleep.