This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Tuesday, 31 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well a bad day here.

No work today, just pouring rain.
I overslept and woke up with my head and shoulder hurting.

I struggled with the book. It is still not ready.

I didn't eat until early afternoon, which is stupid as it makes the pain worse.
In the end I went and sat in a cafe and read a book.

I am supposed to have a music lesson this evening but I feel awful.

Monday, 30 January 2017

Monday evening

I am scared to go ahead and publish 'Destruction' but I guess it is like the choice that Jesus had. He chose to ride up to Jerusalem and be crucified, and there isn't exactly a way out of my death at the hands of the Church.

Anyway, enough with the grim stuff. I just went to get a cup of tea and my neighbour cornered me, she wants me to go to the gym and classes with her, argh. I am supposed to be doing gym anyway but how do you explain to a normal person that you are in such poverty that you can't afford gym clothes or trainers? I can't afford normal clothes and I am a mess.
But she also gave me a box of caramel tea as a thank you for me giving her earplugs. She was sleeping badly but now she sleeps well.

I still intend to publish Destruction tonight or tomorrow.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon peeps,

I am a bit dizzy. Someone sent me £10 for food, (Thank you). When my blood sugar drops and then I eat a meal, my blood sugar shoots up and I get this uncomfortable state of sleepy daze. But at least I have eaten.

I went to work this morning, the weather was grey and drizzly and I did two sites on my own before ending up working with my workmate for the last one, the drizzle and rain was fog on the sea and the fog horns yelled crossly all the time.

I was only doing a half day before coming here and continuing to work on 'Destruction' which will hopefully go to publish tonight.

The stalkerstat is still acting as if my blog is astounding, I want to know why. Stalker reader, in case you don't know, someone who views the  blog very frequently is a stalkerstat, what are you looking for? You have a Linux browser and the stat says that you are in Sheffield but that it likely to be a bounce rather than genuinely Sheffield. If you are looking for articles on the church, that is on my other blog.

I am listening to a good old favourite that someone in Jersey put up when my case was being splashed all over the news in 2013.

Ooh, 'Goodnight Anna' Just reviewed up again nicely! Look.

'This is a difficult subject, and this excerpt isn't the kind of thing I usually read. But that's part of the pleasure of being on this site.
I have to admit that I wasn't expecting to be gripped by this, but I found I was. Anna's voice is so clear and straight that you instantly warm to her and believe everything that happens to her, as well as the way she reacts and feels about it all. And the strange characters she comes across are clear and various and utterly believable too. She paints a picture of a sort of nightmare world that exists just out of everyone else's line of sight, a world I seriously hope never to have to become used to myself. I salute Anna's pluck, and her survival through it all. She never feels sorry for herself, she stoically accepts her lot at the hands of an undescribed and unidentified set of 'destroyers', in a way that never feels unreal or made-up. 
I like the very simple language, with short sentences and chapters and simple repetition of words, with no spare, very much like the life that Anna herself is leading. I'm not sure how large a readership a story like this would attract, but I hope it does well. I imagine Ken Loach would love it.
It reminds me in a strange way of a film I much admire, called 'Dirty Pretty Things', which was about illegal immigrants in London, also somewhat surreal and finding hope and life in the most difficult and constraining of circumstances.'

Monday morning

Hey peeps,

It rained hard yesterday, starting with church and all day into the night.
So Max didn't get a wash, he got a shower instead.

I completed the final editing of 'Destruction' and will be finishing it and publishing it tonight.

The week looks rainy, and I only have a half day on the gardening team today, but at least I will be able to buy food this evening.

I will be at work in an hour, but right now I am all pyjama'd and drinking tea, how rude.

The stalkerstat is still going bonkers and ignoring my invitation to join me on twitter and actually speak to me.

Sunday, 29 January 2017


Good lunchtime peeps,

Well busy busy.

Last night was a late night with the book.
I am more than a third through the editing so it will be ready today or tomorrow.

I didn't sleep well and I woke up in the early hours and vomited for no apparent reason at all, I had to run for the bathroom suddenly. There wasn't anything to vomit as I hadn't had supper.

Anyway, I went back to bed, woke later and got sorted before going to my foster-church.

Haha, no change there, I walked in and ended up being invited to the cinema straight away.
My diary now reads: Music lesson Tuesday night, Cinema Wednesday, Writers Circle Friday. Coffee at some random time to be arranged.
No rest, social butterfly.

Yeah, Church was great. As usual. You know why I don't go often, apart from the flashbacks? Well I hate to think of the evil people who have destroyed me being in church at the same time and really believing that they are Christians and I am evil as they speak and listen to the same words. I feel revolted.

Anyway, no matter, the foster church aren't evil, they are very sociable.

Yesterday I got too lots of washing done, all my clothes, the bed linens and bathroom stuff. Unfortunately I put my white towels in with a lime green bath mat and hand towel that aren't mine, and my lovely white towels are now pale green. No matter, they were nice as white towels but green suits them alright.

I got all the housework done yesterday and 60 pages of 'Destruction', and now home from church I am doing a roast dinner and I now have another task as well as Destruction. I got home to two emails, one from the boss, with confusing instructions for tomorrow, and one with a rather frantic plea for me to finish my guest posting for a website in time for the deadline, so I am working on that guest post
 as well as 'Destruction'.

I got another review for Goodnight Anna. Interesting because someone has noticed the fault that I know I have. I can't make 3D characters because I am autistic, my characters are based on words and actions and nothing more, no characteristics. I agree with the review. The reviews are short, not full length, they are done partly on a stars rating system and partly on a brief commentary as below.

This was well written. I like the dialogue and the setting. You could have described the characters more fully and provided a description of their facial features, facial expressions, and clothing. The plot was good. Your descriptions are well done, but you could have illustrated the gestures, etc. of the characters more than you did. I have trouble with this myself. "Show don't tell." Overall though, this was an enjoyable read! 

Best of luck,

Saturday, 28 January 2017


Good afternoon peeps,

Well I woke up early this morning but was too sleepy so I ended up trapped in a place between sleep and waking, the place where terrors and sadness lurk.

Eventually I got up, but it was a slow start.

I have been trying to prepare 'Destruction' for publication, but of course it is too traumatic, so I get upset and anxious.
People online have been supportive, which is nice, but I am sitting here still not able to focus on the book, even with new ideas for additions to it. Not, of course, changing the story, but enhancing the reality of what happened. It is a bit like 'The Churchwarden' I have to close my eyes in order to write it, and that detracts from it and makes it a less full book.

Anyway, at least I got the rent paid today, the rent here is steep, but that is the price I pay for my safety and welfare, it was impossible to go on with the stress of living in slums while trying to fight for my life against the church. But anyway, the rent meant I ended up with only £2.97 left. So I took my emergency small change to coinstar and turned it into £1.79 and used my £2.79 on a packet of chicken thighs which will make a few meals. So at last, at 3.30 I had a late lunch or early supper, of chicken with the remainder of my rice. Now I have chicken with potatoes and carrots for tomorrow's lunch, and enough bread for toast tomorrow morning.
 It's hard to live like this, but I am used to it. No one here is poor like me, because this is specialist housing and they don't usually take disabled gardeners here, I just sneaked in. They don't notice all that much as I keep myself to myself.

Anyway, so I have eaten and my washing is done, including bed linen. The place needs a slight clean and tidy but apart from that all I really have to do is get this book done. I have caught up with my writing module at university, and I will be having extra tuition with the music from next week.

It is a very cold clear day, and I would like to be out and about, but life isn't about what we want, it is about what is necessary.

Friday, 27 January 2017


Good evening peeps.

I am procrastinating as I do sometimes, but don't hold it against me, some people call it leisure but I don't have the luxury of leisure, not while my life is in danger and I have suffered the serious injustice that I have suffered.

You will be pleased to know that the weather forecast improved and I went and did a good day's work, catching up my gardens as well as ensuring that there is likely to be enough money for the rent.
The rent is paid monthly here, which isn't ideal as I am not great at budgeting.

It was a cold day, but not as cold as yesterday, but with light rain or sleet falling.

It took me hours to warm up when I got home, and then I had to go out again when someone remembered to pay me, so I could buy food.

I think that is about it, I must get some written work done this weekend.

Thursday, 26 January 2017


Hey peeps,

I am all tucked up in bed.
I wish I felt comfy, but I just feel ill. I am going to sleep after Hollyoaks.

I didn't want to get up this morning, the lead weight of the Church of England is dragging me down, and presumably they intend to make the Dean's departure in February the event of my murder also, and I guess it will be a relief. The damage to me by the Diocese of Winchester is too severe.

I went to work this morning, and I got a text from my workmate, he hadn't dropped any ton bags off for me, he would have to go to the tip first.
It's hard to work in the freezing wind with no ton bags, the wind blows everything everywhere.

It was a hard day and I came home, into a hot shower and then into bed.
I was only going to stay up for Hollyoaks but Short Circuit is on, and I am trying to watch it.

I forgot to say, Sam Mezec only got 50 people at Guernsey last night. The moral of the story is, get a haircut!

I also forgot to say, 'Island Home' was reviewed again briefly today. I get so tempted to post the reviews, not sure if I am allowed to, but I could let you see this one as it is quite succinct and I agree. I had a word limit to stick to originally with Island Home, but I am free to develop it now, and use the reviews to help with that.

Here you go, second review, no bad reviews yet:

'My response - bit more detail of settings would enhance this and further polish of the dialogue. I enjoyed the straightforward chronological order and the transition from one setting and scene to another was done well.

It was a good character study - the attachment of teens to their locality and friendship circle become more important than being in the home of a parent.

In a not overly dramatic way it was a moving story, acknowledging the priorities of a young jerseyman during a family crisis.' 

Wednesday, 25 January 2017

This is the only advice that I can give myself too

Wednesday night

Good evening peeps,

Guernsey are snogging my blog again. That may be my fault for teasing them. No way, Guernsey! You know what I mean?
Tell Sam Mezec to get a haircut.

My arm hurts real bad, probably from using the leafblower on Monday.

Today I was supposed to be winter pruning apple trees but I was so sick with depression and flashbacks that I had to stop.
I try to live a normal life but I can't always keep it up. So I end up short of money.

Not much else to say. I hope I will be alright for tomorrow's work.

The only thing I really got done today was a load of reviews, but I need to stop doing those and focus on my other work, especially university. I feel so tired all the time and so useless, university seems pointless to me most of the time.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday I just felt urgh, and I didn't feel like doing anything, and this new stalkerstat with the linux browser kept coming onto the blog to see if I was updating, so I didn't.

I was supposed to have a study day yesterday but I didn't. I just did the housework and struggled.

It's funny, last night the flashbacks were more about my estranged family than anything else, and I dreamed about them in the night.
Well at least that is premonition to ignore, because they mean as much to me as the black bags in the rubbish bin, and that is all they will ever mean to me. I prefer adoptive family who give me loads of space, don't talk a lot, and don't abuse me or call me a liar over abuse. My birth family are a bunch of bastards.

It is foggy at the moment so I am not sure about going to work. It's a bit different from working on the team, where turning up was a good idea, my work is my own and I can probably delay it. No one is expecting me, I would just be turning up and working.

Someone has bought a whole load of my books all at once, the ones about the church of england.

That was an awful cup of tea, I hope the next one is better.

Monday, 23 January 2017

Monday night

Hey peeps,

What a day!

I was up nice and early for a shower before I defrosted Max.
Max was hard to defrost, temperatures have been down to -8, and as fast as I defrosted Max, he re-froze. But I was determined and I got him defrosted.

I set off, carefully as it was icy despite the gritters.
As I stopped in traffic, a text came up on my phone, which was on the passenger seat, and I could read it without touching the phone. It said 'The Van won't Start'.

I continued, carefully as it was very icy and foggy, freezing fog, very low and with the trees frozen as well as the road. The traffic was stacking the other way and it was clear my way apart from idiot motorbikes overtaking their lanes.
Then up ahead there were flashing lights, hazard lights? Vision was so low, no, it was the gritter lorry having a second go at gritting.

I got to work and parked, my mate wasn't having any luck with the van and had put the battery on charge, so he was delayed.
The trainee managed to get to work despite his bus being delayed by a three-car accident. He was standing looking cold and miserable. I am the lucky one in our group because I feel the cold the least.

I gave the trainee a broom, shovel and bag, and got him doing parking bays and cigarette butts, and I went to do the litterpick. It was eerie walking alone in that thick fog, the birds were quiet and it was like walking through a dream.
The litterpick took two hours and two heavy bags of rubbish.
And by the time my workmate got the van started and got to work through the fog and mad traffic, it was teabreak!

We had a quiet and rather nice day despite the fog and cold.
The fog horns seemed silent until 10am, and the trainee said maybe they aren't allowed to make a noise before then in case they disturb the neighbours!
The most insistent fog horn was the ferry horn, it sounded like it was yelling at any madman out on a boat and in the deep water channel in this weather.

We moved shrubs, worked on borders, cut things back and did this and that. I did a lot of tidying up with the leaf blower, and by 3pm I went to get myself a cuppa, thinking we were finishing at four, and then my mate came and said we were finishing at 3.30, and I didn't mind a bit.
My adoptives randomly texted me and the world just seemed all happy and relaxed.

The drive home was careful, steady and problem free. Once home, I took a hot shower and tried to focus on anything at all, I am still struggling with a review. Not really focussed and too tired, I am off to bed in a minute.
It has been a sociable day. My adoptive brother emailed to say that his wife is recovering and is out of hospital, such good news. My neighbour kept me talking for a while, and I got a text from someone I get on well with. Hello everyone, why are you all chatting to me? Do I exist or something?

Humpf, us nortypersons are not sociable animals, but we tolerate social sometimes. People are nice, in small doses.

Here's the Church of England

Sunday, 22 January 2017

Sunday Night

Good evening peeps,

I apologized to regular readers that the blog has wandered off tack, this is supposed to be a daily diary.

The blogs are statting hugely because Ashenden is shooting his mouth off again. I don't mind that, the more people who know what he is, the better.

Anyway. Today I have been busy with housework, paperwork, literary stuff, washing Max and doing his oil and water, cooking a nice roast dinner, lots of busy stuff. Yeah, I got a lot done.

It has remained bitterly cold all day, but tomorrow will start with fog, and Max is iced over, so I will have to be up early to defrost him.

Tomorrow I am working on the estate, nothing remarkable, the usual stuff, hopefully no accidental tree felling or old gents falling over this time.

Gavin Ashenden

I am getting a tremendous amount of traffic to my blog from people looking for Gavin Ashenden. This tends to happen when he is attacking people, and this is no different.

He is ranting in the Times about the Koran being used in a Cathedral.
Well a) did anyone notice, the old dears are usually asleep, and b) isn't it a good idea to educate people to stop the blind Islamophobia continuing to rise? c) Isn't Ashenden's attack on the Archbishop more to do with the secret court that he faced? d) The Archbishop should resign, because he is a cowardly corrupt lying crook, not because of the Koran.

Gavin Ashenden spends his life attacking and showing off, and, having never met me, took part in a press and media smear campaign against me, full of lies, some of which is available here:

Ashenden isn't in any postion to lay down the law to anyone, aside from his public attacks on me without having both sides of the story, he is a divorcee, which is against Jesus' teachings, and he has relentlessly attacked and slurred abuse victims and the mentally ill, as well as making racist and xenaphobic attacks in the press constantly.
He thinks very highly indeed of himself, and the Church don't appear to have any ability to silence his hatred and rants, even though he is a safeguarding danger.
He really needs a copy of the Bible, I don't think he can ever have seen a copy or read it.

This is Tony the Prof's blog. look at what a churchgoer in Jersey has observed about Gavin Ashenden:

This is Bob's blog, look through this and see what Ashenden was part of:

It is time that Ashenden was asked to step down, he is mean-spirited, untruthful, hateful, prejudiced, proud and boastful, he is bringing Christianity into disrepute and would be bringing the church into disrepute if they weren't already, and the church are scared to face up to him because he is chaplain to the Queen.


That was a sad dream.

I think it was triggered by me talking about my street brother, Bob, last night, and possibly a bit by the way my dad died.

I dreamed that I was somewhere and Bob Hill was there too, but he collapsed and died.

I was grief stricken, especially as I hadn't been able to get to him and help him.

Even when he died I couldn't reach him. I couldn't find him. I kept trying to find him.

Then there was a long strange process of trying to get somewhere, possibly to a funeral, but everyone was confused.

The someone started accusing Bob of hitting me and beating me up, and I was devastated and said he only hurt me emotionally, but this person wouldn't listen.
They were an electrician or something and they wouldn't listen to me and they started helping someone in a shop to move some things.

I went and found Bob's wife, Anne, and told her that Bob had never hit me and never meant to hurt me and that wherever he was, he had never in his life meant to hurt me or anyone and he was a good honest man.

Anne said she understood, and she handed me a mis-printed menu that used to make Bob laugh, and then we were in a cafe with a load of people ordering food.

That was a devastating dream, I don't understand it.

Bob tried very hard to help me but he hurt me terribly and added to the injuries of the Church of England, and that will affect me for life, but if I could turn back time and stop him from being taken ill, then I would.

Saturday, 21 January 2017

Saturday evening

Good evening peeps,

My stalkerstat is after an update.

Hello stalky.
Well I went for a drive earlier, went down to the bay. Nice down there.

I picked up my post, a writer's magazine and a surprise goodybag for being being a student volunteer, how funny, I got a nice pad of paper and posh pen, and a box of peppermints.

I came home and have been working on sorting my things and my space out a bit, and writing, reviewing, networking, looking at short story contests, all the boring writing stuff.
Still, that's what weekends are for.
I have a new neighbour who introduced me to caramel tea and wants me to go to Mass with her tomorrow, oh heavens!

It has been bitterly cold again today and looks set to continue that way.

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well I had a restless night with lots of dreams.

I dreamed about disasters and earthquakes.

It's funny because I woke up at one point absolutely sure that there was an earthquake tremor here, but nothing has been recorded, so it was a dream.

In my dreams there were people in emergency shelters and there were big waves on the sea.
It was all so vivid and real.

I dreamed that people in Jersey were arguing over the earthquake, Sarah Fergusson and Montford Tadier, I hope I have spelled that right, they were arguing.

Then the last dream I had was of my cousin leaving the earthquake area to get to Leicester to sort out my grandmother's estate.
The problem with that is it is 20 years since my grandmother died.

I woke up feeling strangely relaxed despite the dreams.

It is a cold day again with a hard frost.

I don't know what to do, I should study and write but it is hard to focus.

Friday, 20 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well today wasn't too bad. I did oversleep, no idea why, I keep getting trapped in an endless dream about Jersey, which can't be why I overslept.

But anyway, I managed to wash, dress, scuttle out and defrost Max and get to work.

I wasn't looking forward to work, the weather is freezing cold, especially on the seafront, where we did four hours work to start the day. I thought it was going to be a long cold hard day.

Well we started off freezing cold, but time seemed to go reasonably well, we had a break just to shelter from the cold for a while halfway through the morning before continuing. My workmate was cutting hedges and I was lifting and moving shrubs.

We had half an hour to go when I heard laughter and shouts, which could only mean that the boss had turned up, and he had.

We spent some time discussing work, and then it was time to pack up and go to the next site.

The boss was working with us now as we had a big job of hundreds of trees to plant, which had felt daunting to us, but actually we did well. A cohesive and smartly-paced job.

Then the last job of the day was a regular one, just a quick routine tidy up, and that was it, home and out of the bitter cold.

The horrible Jersey premonition is still on, it is angry, which is odd, the fat well-fed men in Jersey who destroyed me aren't angry, they are smug at destroying me and using their press to do so.

Yesterday after my assignment I went down to the bay and sat in a cafe and watched the waves so clean and crisp, rolling over onto the sand in the sunshine.

I am watching Hollyoaks and considering some norty fish and chips.

Thursday, 19 January 2017

Prophecy and Premonition

Premonition is coming from Jersey, huge, nasty, and constant.

Is this it?

But I had a thought earlier.

I was prophesying the Dean's strange 'resignation' through my dreams up to some weeks before I knew about it. Here are some premonition dreams that I had and posted on the blog as part of my posts, you know how I post my dreams.


The third dream was just creepy, Jersey, ferries, and then the Dean. In the dream the Dean's son was missing. I can't remember if he has one of those in real life, but his son was missing. He was getting plenty of sympathy though. Looking all fat and black-cassocked and miserable. In the dream he happened to invade my bit of space by the wall and the rocks and he sat down there. I went over to him and told him I was praying about his son and I was sad about it. He started blustering but I told him this was nothing to do with what he had done to me and that I was praying. He stopped blustering and said 'They should have searched the rocks better'.

I don't like that sentence. It's a premonition, but not about the Dean's son, should he have one. I remember he had a daughter and a grandchild. Someone else will go out on the rocks in real life, and I am not threatening to do so myself. I do have a habit of dreams that actually come before something happens.


I didn't have such a bad night. In fact I dreamed a very comforting dream. I dreamed I was in Jersey, and instead of flying above Jersey as I usually do in dreams, I was walking in St. Helier. I was at the Royal Square and the town church. I went into the town church and wrote a cheeky message in the visitors book for someone I know in Jersey. And outside in Church house, the Deanery were having an officious meeting, as they do, and the Dean saw me and looked furious, his ugliness and obesity were magnified and I laughed at his fury and walked off to see Jersey again, fully expecting the Dean to try to send police after me.

I woke up comforted, it is the first dream about Jersey that hasn't distressed me, and normally I only fly above Jersey in my dreams. It was the early hours when I woke and I had some fruit squash and slept again.
Exeter Airport.



Good lunchtime, peeps,

The assignment went in with 10 minutes to spare.
I have no idea of the quality of it, but I just like listening to it on playback over and over again, because I like it, never mind what the tutor thinks.

It is a cold sunny day, and I think I will seek out some lunch and wander out to the provinces, wherever they are.

Wednesday, 18 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

Please excuse the rubbish I have been blogging.

I am trying to clear out of a major depression at the moment.

I am also, you will be pleased to know, doing the final tweaks on my composition.

The piano accompaniment is pretty good but I am not completely satisfied with the song, I have gone for soprano but I am wondering if that is too high.

It is due in tomorrow by midday, so I had better get my act together.

This evening I was in the quiet study area in the library, working on this, and it reminded me so much of how I used to live in the library when I was homeless.

And when I came out of the library into the cold clear evening, that also reminded me of being homeless.

I can't get this composition out of my head, I love the tune, I hope my tutor does too.
The premonitions from Jersey are so loud and fierce, another attack is due.
Sampson brought the pillars down before he died.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Suicide Prevention

Do you know what has been the best suicide prevention for me, peeps?
Knowing that if I failed, the police would beat the shit out of me and lock me up as a punishment,
because no-one has updated them on the fact that suicide ceased to be a crime decades ago.

If you look at the suicide risk factors, I remain a high suicide risk.

The thing is, thankfully I am utterly alone in the world thanks to the Church of England, so no one has any idea of my state of mind, because I don't talk, I just stand my ground and wait for the church and their police and press to kill me.
I have no one to worry about me, and never will again. The Diocese shattered my relationships in 2010 and I have been utterly alone ever since.

Don't do it. If you ever consider suicide, remember, your life will never be as bad or as hopeless or as dark as mine.


Hey peeps,

It has been a tough patch, bad depression and the anticipation of being killed by the church and their police and press, which is inevitable.

We were rained off yesterday, which made everything worse, and I was struggling with this stupid assignment, which I am still struggling with.

There isn't much to write.

This afternoon I actually did some ironing as the washing machine here crumples everything to hell. I wouldn't normally iron work trousers, but they looked stupid when they are that crumpled.

Jersey Protest

I am supporting the protest in Jersey today. Because I want Gorst to resign or be removed.

And the only time I have ever agreed with Ashenden is now he wants the Archbishop to step down.

In both cases I am in agreement that these criminal figureheads should be removed, but not for the same reason as the protesters.

Let me reword that, I agree with the Jersey protesters, Ozouf is losing them a fortune. And he is being protected by a chief minister whose misconduct is worse than people think.

Have you ever seen the Bishop looking like that?

Monday, 16 January 2017

Candle in the Wind

You know why I like this song as I wait for the Church and their police and press to finish killing me?

It's just some of the lyrics. Not all of them, certainly, but being alone and having to change my name, and knowing that in death, the press will be as vile about me as they were in life, things like that.
I guess I could re-write this song a bit.

Goodbye Norma Jean
Though I never knew you at all
You had the grace to hold yourself
While those around you crawled
They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
And they made you change your name
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in

And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
Loneliness was tough
The toughest role you ever played

Hollywood created a superstar
And pain was the price you paid
Even when you died
Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say
Was that Marilyn was found in the nude


Good evening peeps,

I am battling terrible depression and trauma.

I watched 'Airplane' this evening and of course as well as being comforting, it brought back memories. This is from the other blog some time ago.

Brother are you there?
You are in my dreams this night
the snow and the salt and the sand
of St. Clements Bay where she died

Brother Can you hear me?
She is calling for help
but her cries are getting fainter
and the horror that was, still is

Brother can you wake?
Can you hear my screams?
through the salt and the snow and the dark
I can't bear it any more

Brother can you come up here
take her in your arms
make the darkness of St Clements bay turn to light
bring an end to the dark

Brother do you remember the dark
St. Clements, 2am in the morning
Time stopped then but she is waiting
when will the end come, when will there be peace?

Brother can you command her rest?
Take her from the sand and the salt and darkness
lay her to rest at St. Ouen
St. Clements Bay is frozen in the snow

Brother you were there when she died
frozen on the dark bay
the sand and the salt and the sea
so please take her to rest at St, Ouen

Brother where is she?
Dreaming of the sunlight
she is a child again, running to her father's arms with joy
the lights of Corbiere and Casquets beaming bright, home forever

Disclaimer. This poem is about unresolved grief and the horrific damage HG has suffered, it is also about platonic love and separation. It is not about suicide. The Church of England and their allies have and undoubtedly will again, try to have HG put away on any excuse to save their own skins, don't let a cry of grief be that excuse.


Good Monday peeps,

We are rained off and I am struggling with depression and this impossible assignment.


Sunday, 15 January 2017

The Samaritans

I am always like this, peeps, I don't realise I am having asthma problems or a relapse until it has been going on for a while.

I don't realise I am in collapse because of what the Church have done until I can't cope any more.

I just published two books, both horrific memories, 'The Churchwarden' and 'Very cuttings' and had no idea of the impact on me until I wasn't coping.

I went to the Samaritans this evening and was lucky to get someone very helpful. So helpful that I think two hours went past.

I just got home, very tired and I have work in the morning so I shouldn't still be up.
We may be rained off in the morning though.


Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I was struggling to get much done. I am on 5HTP as my mood has dropped very low.

For some unknown reason I suddenly changed tack on the books and started putting 'Very Cuttings' forward for review instead of 'Destruction'.

I went out and picked up the blue bike, which is still in Max, waiting to be unloaded.

I got on with 'Very Cuttings' and it was sent to publish last night. Available here:

It is raining today, and all I will be doing is struggling with this music assignment.

I may proceed with 'Destrution' and then my story is nearly done. Well, hm, nearly.
I hope that someone hears me before the Church and their police and press kill me.

I am doing turkey steaks with carrot and broccoli for lunch while I watch Hollyoaks.

Friday, 13 January 2017

A letter to the Bishops

cc National 'Safeguarding' Team and IICSA


Dear Bishops Willmott and Dakin and Archbishop Welby,

I enclose the reminder of the formal complaint sent to Bishop Willmott last year, unfortunately he decided to try and fob me off through his secretary, adding to his image of dishonesty, deceit and cowardice.

Please make sure that both my formal complaint against the behaviour of yourselves and the Godless, evil and criminal Jersey Deanery are now either addressed or passed to a competent safeguarding body, as it is clear from the pronouncements without evidence of the Archbishop and Bishop about safeguarding in Jersey being good, while I was being destroyed, that neither the Archbishop nor Bishop have the faintest clue what safeguarding is.

That is reinforced by the fact that the Archbishop and Bishops themselves have led a public attack on my character through a million pounds worth of criminal and illegal whitewashes slurring me and covering up for wrongdoers. If you consider safeguarding to be good when you have been effectively forcing me to my death and branding me publicly for the abusers who you have openly aided and upheld in harming me. Then at very least you don't know what safeguarding is.

You met with and condoned the powerful criminals from Jersey and spoke with them on the phone and allowed them to condemn me in the press and media, you provided legal and PR help for yourselves, and you never met with me, spoken to me (apart from the Bishop of Winchester threatening me) or provided me with legal or PR help as you destroyed me publicly while I was voiceless. 

So how is safeguarding good in the Church of England? Are you going to answer? Are you going to answer the person who you have scourged and crucified publicly?

You spent a million pounds glorifying yourselves at my expense and upholding each and every wrongdoer and abuser and branding me publicly for life, flinging your and their version of my personal life all over the press and all over the world. You made it clear you condone abuse and will always protect abusers and wrongdoers. Do you really believe this is safeguarding?

Now, where is the million pounds for an investigation into what happened to ME? And also into the illegally accessed records of the whitewash.

If you continue to refuse to take responsibility for your actions and the severe, life-limiting and permanent harm to me, then each one of you must step down.

Even if you genuinely believed the Dean to be innocent of wrongdoing, you had no right to turn the matter into a discrediting press stunt at my expense, having never met me or heard my side and having only listened to the money and power of the powerful circle of lawyers and dignitaries surrounding the Dean. Including those who illegally accessed and tampered with already inaccurate police and other records.

What you should have been doing rather than destroying me for the sake of the Church's image, was holding these men, including the Dean, to account for their Godless and criminal behaviour instead of adding and to it and including your own Godless and criminal behaviour.

The Dean of Jersey, without remorse or any sort of reprimand for his serious criminal and dangerous actions, especially in conjunction with his circle over the past four years, is to go on to positions where he will remain a danger to the vulnerable, and you have lauded and upheld him, so tell me how safeguarding in the Church of England is good?

You nearly ended my destroyed and shattered life with your public attack on me and upholding of wrongdoers and I remain in utter anguish and waiting for death. Obviously from your onslaught without mercy, you have made it clear that you want me dead, and indeed it would be best, because I couldn't recover from the previous harm to me, the last four years is something that no human being could come back from, no human being, be they whole or crippled. No-one could survive what you have done to me. You have utterly condemned me.

So, why have you received my requests for you to pay for my attendance at Dignitas to be humanely put to sleep, and not answered them?

 You had a million pounds to pay for glorifying yourselves at my expense and publicly destroying me, you had that money to pay for cover-up of your wicked and criminal actions against me, and you are reluctant to pay a few thousand for me to fly to Switzerland to be killed, after your sustained efforts left me shattered beyond healing but still unable to die? 

Please explain this. No-one can deny that your efforts at publicly vilifying me and spewing your version of my life into your complicit press could be anything other than a constructive murder, and in fairness I should now have been dead for three years, but sadly for you I am not, and I have offered you a solution for your failed murder, because I am never going to heal.

 A mutual solution would be dignitas, and it would be better than having to endure another Christmas ruined by Justin Welby, the man who destroyed me, trotting out another load of vain and empty lies written for him at Christmas, waffling the vain empty cliches about the poor and homeless while his victim, in poverty and anguish and having endured three years sleeping rough because of his church, goes on suffering.

Jesus Wept. Justin the Narcissist must be silent eventually, surely?

The things that strangers said about me and the lies that your criminal clergy and laity have broadcast in the press and media, leading to hate attacks and threats against me while I was voiceless and jeered at when I even tried to answer this hatred, will never heal and can never be justified by you as anything but your wish for my death in shame and brokenness, as has nearly occured and will eventually occur.

Please make sure that there is an independent investigation into all of what has happened to me, make sure it includes me and my voice, from my books if I am dead by the time it occurs, I have written my books to ensure that I am heard in death if not in life.

Make sure that your collective actions of the past four years is stringently and completely investigated.

This includes investigation into the Steel report being continued when she was chosen by and acting for, the Jersey Deanery, why she was not withdrawn when requested, with evidence of her confliction, why the Korris report was published and labelled independent when it wasn't and why Korris broke the law and why her report was not withdrawn until I took the Bishop to court. 

Also why the Bishop kept on and on discrediting me over the Steel report, claiming to withold it for my welfare when he had not sent me a copy, but was basically telling the general public that the report was genuine and I was in the wrong. 

Claiming to care about my welfare as he and the Archbishop nearly caused my suicide and he told the general public he was feeding the conflicted lies of Steel into the conflicted Gladwin report was an act of evil. My consent for that has not been granted. I have not agreed.

The Bishop failed to tell the general public that I was forced to take him to court to save my life, he failed to tell the general public that he was supposed to make sure I agreed with the content of the Steel report before it was released. He failed to ever send me a copy of the Steel report.

None of this matter has been about safeguarding, or protecting the vulnerable, or anything meriting a million pound waste of trusting congregants' money. The outcome for me has repeatedly been near death, it has been permanent and very severe harm to my health and a lifetime of being branded that makes me long for death. There is no recovery from the kind of hatred from strangers, threats and lies that have been broadcast, none at all.

And to make it worse, the whitewash by Jersey Safeguarding partnership, cooked up by the intermeshed States, police and Deanery and used by the church to harm me further, And then the use of the 'National Safeguarding Team' to try to sweep up the pieces and cover it up, rubbing my raw wounds with sandpaper while refusing to do anything about any of your collective criminal and dangerous harm to me.

They are still refusing to act, because apparently you have 'advised' them not to, and they are employed by the Archbishop and his council, presumably to cover up while duping vulnerable victims by whining about caring about them and learning from them, as Jane Dodds did with me. I was already in enough anguish and suffering in a way that will never now relent, I didn't need that insult to injury that was the National Safeguarding Team.

 And I am continuing and will continue, to ask them to act upon your serious and criminal safeguarding failures that should have led to you collectively being removed, and one day someone will see my emails and letters to them and ask them why they didn't act.

That is evil, it is wickedness, and it beggars belief that instead of resigning, You remain, still a risk to the vulnerable and after committing such evil.
Either the Church has no clue what safeguarding means or you men should resign. As long as you stay, after taking part in such evil and refuse to take responsibility for yourselves, you know that your church isn't safeguarding anyone and isn't anything to do with God.

You completely lack integrity and you compound that by making false claims and misleading the general public while upholding dangerous men in your church and leaving me destroyed.

I have a formal complaint. It starts with abuse when I was 19 and runs to the present day, it comprises of lack of safeguarding, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, slander, illegal actions, abuse of power over the press, false claims about safeguarding, very serious harm to me, me being exposed to hatred and slander, police brutality and intrusions, homelessness and imprisonment because of your safeguarding failures, it is exhaustive, it contains a list of people's names already sent to you. I have had no adequate response. I am waiting, I am suffering.

The longer you leave it, the worse your failure in safeguarding becomes.
I will be producing and publishing a report about the National Safeguarding Team's part of this, which will be sent to the CSA inquiry no matter whether you can or cannot bribe them. But you do need to call an overarching investigation into my case, and every day that you ignore that, you harm me. While you don't safeguard, the risk of abuse is high.

The Archbishop's lack of understanding of safeguarding led to him claiming that safeguarding in Jersey is good, he appears to mistake a prolonged and power-abusive smear and discrediting campaign using the press and media against a vulnerable adult by his clergy as 'Good safeguarding'.

 Obviously his lack of understanding of safeguarding is so serious that it is a risk to vulnerable lives, he certainly nearly caused my death and until and unless that is dealt with properly, then there is a serious safeguarding breach, worse even, a complicit act of cover-up carried out by Bishop Willmott and Archbishop Welby.
And again, if most vulnerable adults are more voiceless than me, how many are being killed this way, and with the blessing of the National Safeguarding Team, who yatter lies and rubbish at the victims to try and placate them as the victims commit suicide.

If the National Safeguarding Team, who are well aware of the wrong in this matter and have said as much to me before being gagged when it was realised that I couldn't be duped and silenced, do not arrange for the resignations of the the Bishops and Archbishop over their serious harm to me, then a court or inquiry must do so, and the National Safeguarding Team should also resign.

 They are following up their failure by allowing the Dean to 'resign' lauded and honoured, again at my expense while I endure a re-awakening of the threats and attacks on me over this, some people are fooled by this resignation and the Archbishop and Bath and Wells employing that criminal, but not all.

The Archbishop claims that the Dean is a 'Godly Man', really? Has the Archbishop ever read a Bible? Didn't I send him one the other year as he continued to uphold the harm to me relentlessly? Does deceit and lies and hiding behind people of power and lawyers constitute Godly? Oh yes,  because the Archbishop does it too.

Does destroying someone the way the Dean has destroyed me count as Godly? Maybe someone switched the Archbishop's Bible for a Satanism Manual. Because what the Archbishop himself has done is evil.

There is no God or Christianity or integrity or good or safeguarding in what the Archbishop and Bishops and Archbishop's Council have done in destroying, threatening and publicly ruining me. I was already destroyed before the public attack on me was launched and I have suffered without relief while a million pounds was spent on the church's image, lawyers, PR firms, press releases and four whitewashes that are nothing to do with what happened to me.

It is time for you Godless and terrible cowards to step down. Do a lie like the Dean's 'Resignation', do it any way you want, but before you go, make sure that there is an overarching inquiry and also that Peter Ould and Gavin Ashenden who continue to attack the vulnerable unafraid, because in the Archbishop's eyes that is good safeguarding and Godly behaviour, are removed, along with Elaine Rose and all staff and clergy who have harmed me.

The Church currently don't safeguard, because they mistake safeguarding for image and segregation to protect the church. How can the comfortable middle class know what safeguarding means when they don't understand vulnerability or suffering, to the extent that they have an apartheid against the vulnerable to protect themselves?

All the high profile employment of 'people from social care backgrounds' does not remove the apartheid or the fact that these new employees are not allowed to actually safeguard because the church must be protected first.

The horrifying behaviour of Dodds, Tilby and Murray in my case, thinking they could mislead me after allowing the Bishop and Archbishop to destroy me publicly and then gag it all, is all the proof you need of that.

Make sure that I receive my copy of the Steel report as requested, you have no excuse whatsoever to withold it, and make sure any agency asking for a copy if they are concerned for my welfare, are given a copy of it, and also do not lie to any agency about being in contact with me, trying to include me in reports or trying to help me.

Please send a copy of the Steel report to the IICSA and explain to them that this is how you classify an independent safeguarding report, a report carried out by a member of the conflicted inner circle of Jersey's States, Judiciary, lawyers and Town Church who protected the Dean and destroyed me.

Let me just remind you of the blog that Bob Hill created just before he collapsed while defending me from hate attacks instigated by your Steel whitewash and the conflicted circle's need to have it published and snuff out my life with their hatred in the form of a report. Your million pound safeguarding failure and cover up cost this man his life.

Your pretences of care for my welfare while you destroyed me were the same as a rapist telling his victim he loved them as he raped them. Despicable and inexcusable,  you can't cold-bloodedly destroy someone and pretend to care about them for the sake of PR, it is despicable.

And do you really think you can excuse yourselves based on what you have heard about me? It beggars belief.  You've never met me. You must resign.


HG/JJ -  Church of England safeguarding failure victim.


Good lunchtime peeps,

I am trying to train Jersey unsafeguarding partnership to stop stalking my blog at night, but it isn't working. They and their pals are hovering ominously, likely to try to attack again.

I came home for lunch to get out of the bitter wind and imbibe something warm.

Yesterday's snow didn't come to much, and I was up early to unload Max and defrost him. That all went pretty well.

I set off in good time and managed to get a parking space at work. We were working on the estate to catch up the work we were rained off.

The wind was so bitter it was torture, but we worked well. The lads went to get shrubs while I dug out some new borders that had been the ratty ends of grass lawns.

Then we planted the shrubs and also re-turfed another ratty area.
It was all going well but I snapped an edging iron, the handle had perished a bit and it gave way. Not too serious but my mate had only recently sharpened it.

Anyway, as we plodded peacefully with our work and a bit of hot chocolate to keep us going, a gent was walking through the footpath with his dog and he stopped to talk to us,
He told us that one of the trees by the path was dead, you wouldn't have noticed it while all the trees were dormant, but he said it got on his nerves.

I walked over to the trees and looked at the one he indicated, I pulled a small branch and it snapped, dead, and the next one, I pushed the tree gently to see how easy it would be to get out, and there was a loud SNAP and the tree went over. So I took the tree over to the man
'There, it won't get on your nerves any more!'
The lads were laughing 'That's not the first thing she's broken today!'

There is a little bit of stump that I will have to deal with before we start the mowing again. I had no intention of felling a tree with one hand today, it just happened.

Anyway, the gent was perfectly happy with us tree fellers, or two fellers and one girl, and he told us he was an ex-farmer and that he got up at 6am every day and washed in cold water. And off he went.

We continued to work, it was bin day, so as well as the wind being bitter, it was attacking the bins and so there were bins and rubbish going everywhere, so me and the lad kept chasing rubbish while the older team mate leaned on the hoe and laughed.

It was a half day so we finished at lunchtime.

As I drove away I spotted the old farmer who had hated the dead tree, only he had fallen over on the lower footpath while trying to pick up windblown rubbish, and he couldn't get up!

I whacked Max into neutral and hazards on and I ran to help him.

He is a heavyset ex-farmer with a dodgy knee so it is a good thing that someone else happened along because it took the two of us some minutes to get him back on his feet. Poor man, he was shaken but unhurt, and by the time he was on his feet, more people had arrived, locals who knew him, so I left him in their capable hands. By the time that was done, my workmate had pulled up behind Max in the works van, looking mightily puzzled about Maxie sitting alone with his hazards on.

'What's she broken now?'

I told him what happened.

Here I am home, I had hot tea and some quorn cottage pie for lunch and I am just going over to finish the lockup now.

The windy is icy and very strong but no rain or snow is falling at the moment.

Thursday, 12 January 2017


Good evening,

If I don't update, Jersey leaps onto the blog like a demented yoyo every half hour.
Hey Jersey, would you do something for me, try reading the blog during the day so I can be lazy and not update for you.

Today has not been a good day, torrential rain all day, and all I could do was try to move stuff from one lockup to another and I do not like having the car full of stuff and driving in bad weather, no, I don't like it.

Then I got a stupid letter from the DWP.

My mood was low but it plummetted and I couldn't get much done.

It was hard to do anything at all, but in the end I got some writing done.

The rain turned to snow and it tried to settle but it was too wet.

I got my washing done and I was cheered up by twitter and emails.

But it has been another low day, my mood has been low for a long time.

I am going to bed in a minute.

Wednesday, 11 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

I wasn't going to update as I am so tired, but Jersey is jumping on the blog like a demented stalker,they really want an update.
Here's an update.
Piss off.

No, never mind that.

Today I had the delight and joy of returning to the city of my childhood, Southampton.
Southampton is an eternal love, I have loved it since I was 7 and will probably always love it.

But it was a very early start this morning, and I hadn't had enough sleep, so I have been considering sleeping since I got home, and I will in a minute.

Tomorrow we have bad weather forecast, we don't yet have a flood warning, but spring tide and high winds and heavy rain, and the rain is likely to turn to snow for a time.
Not ideal as I have a lot to do, and once it starts snowing I will have to get Max back here until the snow is gone.

Tuesday, 10 January 2017


Hey peeps,

We got half a day done yesterday on the estate, and then the rain came down. We worked an hour in the rain before we were rained off. We resume there on Friday.

I came home and worked on an assignment for the rest of the day and handed it in in the evening.

Today I didn't have any work booked, you may notice that that is usual for me on a Tuesday. I did paperwork and sent paperwork off and went to the lockup for a bit.

Then this afternoon I went to have a back assessment.

Ouch, I feel like I have been in a tumble dryer.

My pelvis isn't too bad. But the assessment was interesting.
I don't know if you remember my physiotherapy the other year where they tried to re-track my kneecap to keep it in place more?
The physios were nice but I think they were trying to explain something and I wasn't taking it in, because I have been re-told it today.

It isn't just my knee joints that have hypermobility, Other joints do too, and that is part of why I have problems with walking and pain, because the ligaments are trying to stabilise the loose joints, which sounds similar to what the walking clinic told me when I was on the streets, the ligaments are taking too much strain.

I scornfully disregarded hypermobility before because I can't bend my thumbs right back like some people can, not all my joints are hypermobile (similar to double-jointed).

Anyway, my shoulder injury reacted to treatment and apparently that is due to scar tissue adhesions and nothing much else, I am just grateful it eventually healed as it did, although I did have to pay a private clinic to mend it when the NHS failed me. When I was in my early 20s trying to rake anything was agony because of that injury.

But there was a load of tension built up in my shoulders from the horrors of what has happened and my immobility since the church attack in May and June last year, and the man said that my spine-skull joint was definitely not alright.

So I had a bit of treatment for the upper back, spine and skull and also the lower back, the lower back was painful and they ran a massage machine type thing on it.

At the moment I feel like I have been in a tumble dryer. But I am pleased at my mobility range, even if in some cases it is too good!

I can start gym now and I will have the blue bike back this week.
I will be having more treatment at some point.

Sunday, 8 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

Please excuse the late update.

I was worried about pizza.

No actually I was trying to edit the new book but I couldn't because it was too distressing.

This morning I woke up kind of OK but flashbacks, it took a while to get going, then I unloaded the car and headed for the lockup. I picked up a load of stuff, and came back.

I cleaned the car as I cooked lunch, I realised I had forgotten breakfast.

Then I had so much unloading and unpacking to do, I felt hot and tired and mildly cross.

But trying to edit the book made me downright unhappy. My mood is low and it is hard to do anything to do with the damage the church has inflicted is too much for me.

Saturday, 7 January 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well it wasn't such a bad day.

I started out by waking up reasonably well, albeit with church nightmares and flashbacks.

I had a tutorial this morning, and that went well, I even nortily drew an elephant and some music notes on the tutorial board. I am always norty in tutorials.

Then I went over to my lockup, just working to sort my things out so I can downsize to my old lock store.
Then I dropped a few of my books off for people and picked a few of my books up.

Eventually I came home and struggled to get any direction with my books, eventually coming to the decision to produce an intermediary book that runs between the Churchwarden books and 'Destruction Absolute' which isn't in publication yet. The intermediary is called 'Destruction' and as you know, there is to be a book about the church war, which will be 'Destruction's Flame'.

Destruction and Destruction Absolute are followed of course by 'The Wanderer' Series, which is my best selling and most popular group of books.

So briefly the Chronology when finished will be: 'The Silent World', 'Breaking Silence'. Hampshire Hymn', 'The Churchwarden', 'Destruction', 'Destruction Absolute', The Wanderer's Diaries Books 1-6, 'Destruction's Flame', 'Coming Home' and 'Homecoming'.

Alongside these run 'Gardener Girl' and 'The Anything and Everything Books' and 'Goodnight Anna'.
Eventually  there will be a 'Life after the Diocese' series, and also two 'Uncaring' Books, one about the DWP and one about the NHS.
There will also be 'Rooms' which is about places that I have lived.

There are a whole load currently in private circulation at the moment as well.

There will be further books on Jersey and the police, and more. If I live. And I am a fugitive in fear of my life even now.

Anyway. My shoulder is aching and I have to get up early to get one lot of stuff out of Max, wash him and then go get another load.

It is raining.

I am battling depression at the moment but I am surviving.

Friday, 6 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

I had nightmares last night and woke early feeling rotten.
I went back to sleep and woke later feeling tired and upset and in pain.

It has been one of those days, just feeling down and irritable.

I didn't do a great deal today, errands and odds and ends, and I went to my writer's group this evening and that was OK.

It has been a gloomy day, with rain setting in in the afternoon and still raining.

I got a witheld number phone call which could indicate a police attack.

Thursday, 5 January 2017


Good evening,

Well this morning I woke up not ill, and was wide awake by 6am, I felt more like I had had a vigorous workout than 8 hours of pickaxe and rock throwing work.
I was down at the car park for 7.30 to meet my workmate and hitch a lift in the van.

Work went well today, we had broken the back of the work yesterday so today was a question of clearing the waste off the site and levelling it.

We were fed tea and bacon sandwiches and we got the job finished and looking good by 3.30, the people we were working for were happy with our work, and I only found one frog today!

It has been a very cold and frosty day again.

We got paid for the two days' work, which is good, I am actually buying some clothes. I did buy two new work bras (sports bras) the other day, us lady gardeners have to have good support :)
But I am going to get some trousers and tops as well.
Oh, and guess what. I have an hour's assessment of my back next week, I am doing that first and then see what work needs doing on it, and then I will start gym training with any advice from the back assessment in mind.

Anyway, I have a three day weekend now before back to working on the estate on Monday. I hope it isn't ruined by anything. The stats on the blog to do with Jersey and the recent Jersey premonitions indicate that I am being attacked again, and sure enough, I got home to an email from the defunct and finished Jersey Care Inquiry, Bob tried to make them include me and they wouldn't, now they are presumably emailing to try to further Ian Gorst and Jersey safeguarding partnership's attack on me.
I have contacted the Inquiries act committee and will take it further if it doesn't stop.

Wednesday, 4 January 2017


Good evening peeps,

I should be asleep. Last night I was traumatized by police on twitter, and as a result I had a bad night and upsetting dreams.
I had to be up very early and fortunately I woke early despite everything and was able to get to where I was hitching a lift to work.
There is almost no parking where we are working so I hitched a lift in the works van.

We worked very hard all day, clearing a site strewn with rubble and rubbish, and tomorrow we return to level the site for grass.

It was hard work but we did well, and the people we were working for provided much tea and bacon sarnies and mince pies, luxury.

The funny part of the day was that I was demolishing a pile of rubble and earth and brambles with a pickaxe and I kept being ambushed by big fat frogs, yes, really.
About 6 or 7 at least, obviously cosily tucked into the waste piles which haven't been disturbed for years, and I ruined their happy home.
The funnies bits of this included me going to pick up a rock and yelping with surprise as the rock hopped away. One of my fellow gardeners was startled by my yelp and then burst out laughing.
Then when I threw something past him into the ditch, he said 'You didn't just throw a frog, did you!'
No. It was a bit of mushroom.
And later on a frog was crawling through the fence and actually looking at me.
'It's giving you the evil eye, JJ!'

Haha. That was funny, more funny to tell people this evening at the fondue party.
'Every time I lifted my pickaxe, a frog appeared!'

Anyway. We did a good hard day's work, and came home.
I had to have a long hot bath both because my muscles might seize up and make me ill and because I was going out this evening. What a lot to cope with in 24 hours!

I was collected for the fondue party, and we had a lovely evening and I came home wondering why my body and mind are withstanding all this so well.
Now the concern is tomorrow, an equally early start and tomorrow I will see if I have made myself ill from high impact work. I can certainly feel the effect on my body now, but if I can sleep well enough, my muscles may relax and then I won't get sick.

I hope Max is OK, I haven't been to see him since yesterday morning.

The weather has been and is, very cold indeed, everything will freeze again tonight.

Tuesday, 3 January 2017


Good morning peeps,

The world woke up and went back to normal today, how rude of it, I was getting used to the empty dream world where paperwork and deadlines don't exist.

Well this morning I was rudely awoken by the alarms going off and I had to get up to move Max.
Max has been a guest on the property of a local business owner over Christmas, most kind of him, but I was supposed to have a parking space here and someone else took it, so Max had to move to the place where he will be under a permit from this morning. Max was frozen solid with harsh frost and I had no de-icer left so I had to leave the engine running etc.

I trotted Max round to his new place. Then I had to go to the council to confirm the permit and do other registration documents. This was a good excuse for breakfast in town and on such a lovely sunny morning. Yes I have a day off.
The paperwork was fairly straighforward and stress-free, the council offices were surprisingly quiet apart from a stream of council staff who had forgotten their passcards. First day back after the holidays!

Anyway, so I have a day off, although there is no such thing in my world. I have plenty to do!

Then from tomorrow I am on garden clearance work, hard work and I will be meeting my workmate at 7.30am tomorrow to hitch a lift to work as there isn't enough parking at the site for my car and the van.

Talking of Vans, I was watching 'The lady in the Van' on iPlayer last night, it does resound with me, dunno why! And no comments required on that!

Monday, 2 January 2017

The Churchwarden

Available on Lulu and shortly also on Amazon and other booksellers.

The Churchwarden.


Good morning peeps,

Guess who went to work on a Bank Holiday! I did! My fellow gardener was keen to return to work and so we did.

But I haven't updated since I was going barmy for New Years. So let's catch up.

I did manage to sleep, and I woke up bright and relatively early on New Year's Day later in the morning.

New Year's Day was yesterday, Sunday, and so as it was still Christmas, I wandered nortily into my foster-church.
Now the while idea of a foster-church for a nortyperson is a church that doesn't get involved or really notice norty, because she is too traumatized by church, and so far they have always given me space, so I wander in, hide under a chair and listen to the service with huge round eyes and then scuttle out at the end.

But the foster church are getting a bit adoptive at the moment. They aren't supposed to do that. But as long as I maintain the boundaries, we will be fine. They are dragging me to a Birthday celebration this week though, which means I will be out two evenings this week as I have writer's circle as well, so looking forward to seeing my lovely writers circle, they are cool. But anyway it means I start the new year as a party animal, out twice in one week.

Anyway, so after a heartwarming church morning, I had my gardening mates sending me cheery texts and emails and I wondered why the world was all being nice to me!

I worked solidly on my new book, what new book? Yeah the third new book produced this Christmas! Not counting Tip of the Iceberg which I allowed to be a public domain one this week as well. Not recommending it, it is for evidence when I die.

Anyway, so I worked very hard to keep myself from falling apart, and I worked very hard full stop, and published the third new book for Christmas at just after midnight this morning.
I am supposed to advertise the books separately from the daily blog posts but never mind.

The new book, 'The Churchwarden' is out now on Lulu in e-book, paperback book and report manual.
It isn't an easy read.

After publishing this, I fell into bed, worried that I had to be up for work in the morning because my darned workmate was keen to get back to work. We are self-employed so we don't get paid annual leave.
Well I was right and wrong to be worried. I fell out of bed in time to dress and grab food and run for it, and then Max was frozen over so I had to curse a lot and defrost him. Getting back into work after the holidays is hard.

Yesterday it poured with rain but today the weather was very cold and sunny,

We were in at the deep end, working by the sea in the bitter cold wind, it was beautiful but bitter. The sea looked perfect for sailing and a number of people were sailing.

The work was in at the deep end, very hard clearance work, we filled four ton bags within four hours, and then I planted some shrubs while my mate put everything in the van and we went on to have our lunch and then to do the easier jobs.

Here I am home, I need to jump in the shower when the sausages finish cooking.
As usual I tend to sit down and be reluctant to jump in the shower.

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Happy New Year

The London fireworks were good, and the fireworks were still going off here when the London ones finished, they are still going off.
Will this be a better year?

Have you any idea how hard it is to get a hyper nortyperson to actually go to bed and sleep? Too much orange tango and tea!
Being a carer for a nortyperson is hard work, she's a bit like a mental spacehopper at at times like this.

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