last night I felt lost and sad, it was a deliciously cold and crisp night and I enjoyed walking without a jumper on, letting the cold air cool me down and enjoying the cool clear night sky, all my enjoyments of things are marred, everything has bad memories in, but I did my best to enjoy.
I decided though that I would spend some of my frugile benefits on another night in the Bed and Breakfast, I get the same room and I make more use of the hot drinks this time.
I try to watch television, some gameshow, some wildlife show, I am not good at focussing on TV, never have been, last nigh there was a show that told the story of a teenage girl who has an ageing disease that profoundly affects her life, it is incredible that she tries to keep on smiling and being patient and focussing on the positives in life, inspirational!
I am tense and cannot settle to sleep, I phone the Samaritans, I am always very hesitant on the phone and sometimes cannot tell them what is wrong at all, but in this case after hesitating I realise I am talking to somone who has the capacity to understand, not all samaritans do, but that is because they are human beings and the combination of Aspergers Syndrome and the complexity of what has happened does make me hard to understand.  But this woman is someone who does understand, I tell her that the bad memories are distressing me and making it hard to sleep, she asks about the bad memories and I tell her about the untruths the church have told and the brutality of the police and how my abuser went round lying about being cleared and how the people who harmed me worked together to condemn me, I tell her how I am homeless and that because of church interventions and the record they gave me and my fear of them, I will never be housed.
By the end of this conversation this lady keeps calling me amazing and saying I have survived such a lot, well I don't agree on being amazing, I am not, according to the church I am every kind of bad even when they have provoked and harmed me to cause me to be bad, I don't understand why anyone would call me amazing, no-one else ever has.
I fall asleep, I dream I am back on the island, at first I am back with my football team on the playing fields near the airport, then we are at the airport and among the static display for air display day, I wonder briefly why air display day is so late this year, then I look up at the airoplanes doing their acrobatics in the sky, I am angry because there are harriers everywhere, I remember my abusers showing off.
I wake up sad and lost, devastated.
I drag myself out of bed at 9am and put the kettle on, I have a shower and do my medicines, my chest hurts. I don't know why my right lung hurts when I take my inhaler, any ideas?

I go in the kitchen to get more milk to make a flask of tea, there is a foriegn person on a laptop blocking the fridge door, he is reluctant to move.
I go out and go to the daycentre and leave my bags, there aren't any staff I know there, so I don't ask for a tea, I go to the Market and get a milky coffee and a bacon and egg roll, luxury.

I have never blogged before, so I don't really know how to do historical blogs so that things are in order, so I will start writing things as memories, as things that have happened before I arrived in this town.

I will tell you about my few months in London before I came here in the next blog.