This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Hey peeps,
I have done the usual, wandering down the line, sleeping in my corner under a clear sky, McD's, and library and seeing my pals.

Nothing new to report apart from the fact I need a wash and laundry.

Monday, 29 April 2013

Hi peeps,
Well the peace didn't last.

I just kind of endured yesterday as it was a sunday, nowhere to go, and my usual quiet places were taken up by a stupid French party so I couldn't sit or lie down and rest.

I have been restless for a while, so I roamed up the line to a big city miles away, it brought back memories, reminded me of my sister and her husband and how they are gone forever and that made me cry.

I got home late and slept in the porch.
There is a stupid tramp who keeps hanging around and that is beginning to freak me out as I do not want to change my sleeping places.

I slept and woke early this morning, did the usual and then sat in the coffee shop for a while.
I went for a walk and talked to the wader bird.

Life is busy with emails and I have been in a lot of pain as well, with some haemorrage as well, it seems to be worse now.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Good morning peeps,
I had lunch with all me pals yesterday and then continued my work.
Yesterday evening I went to the city, but a football match meant that the city was crowded and horrible.
I came back, had my walk and tucked into my blankets, no real disturbance, well there was a noisy party nearby but I slept, woke up needing the loo and tense and was reassuring myself out loud in my sleep :)
went to the loo, 2am, went back to sleep.
Woke to a lovely clear morning and trotted contentedly to McD's, had a walk and a wash after breakfast and have been just sitting here since then.
One email this morning, no bad news.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Hi peeps,
I left my friends yesterday evening and wandered into the weekend night,
there was some rabble at the station who were arguing with the police, but I had a peaceful journey and wandered contentedly when I got back here, then I dived comfily into my blankets and fell asleep looking up at the stars.
I woke at 1am needing the loo, the night was quiet and beautifully clear and I bedded down and slept again.
I woke in the morning to such a funny experience, the blackbirds were hopping around and fighting and one of them hopped onto my blankets, right on my head, because I have a blanket round my head on cold nights! It felt funny having a blackbird sitting on me, but then it flew away.

I scrambled and stashed and headed to McD's for breakfast, then I had my walk in the lovely peaceful morning and then I had a it in the coffee shop and then came to the library.
After a while I went to join the community group for tea and chat and lunch, a good roast dinner.

The church of England matter is distressing and taking most of my time now.

Friday, 26 April 2013

Hi peeps,
Things went really bad and distressing yesterday evening and I freaked out.
I had to stop writing and I phoned my pastoral care friend and she reassured me and I calmed down, and then she phoned my friends on the island and they phoned me and here I am, sitting in a kitchen that smells delicious! cakes and food, yum.
Last night I had a disturbed night with flashbacks and nightmares and deep sadness. The church of england report is horrible to report on because it is so innacurate and hurtful.
I woke this morning and the internet was down, so I simply wrote my distresses down and started to feel better.

I have various dogs sprawled around me, it is nice to be here again.

Thursday, 25 April 2013

Hi you peeps you,

I am sorry I haven't been in touch, I have been busy being slandered and writing statements.

It has been an up and down time, a bad bout of illness that saw me throwing up at my friends house, as I do, well that is what friends are for. :)
Also had a thin time and been using whatever I can to make the stupid stove work to cook soop.

The battle rages and I am simply trying to do as I am asked and produce more statments and answers than there are hours in the day to produce them. While being damned by supporters of the wrongdoers. Who claim I am bad for being me or who they say I am.
Life is far from fun, but here I am.
Please pray that I can write what I need to write.

Sunday, 21 April 2013

Hi peeps,

The battle with the church of England is very upsetting.
But I suppose it is the result of years of prayer and so I must trust in God completely.
My levels of stress and anxiety are HUGE.
This is not helped today by being on the last of my money and having to endure Sunday with nowhere to go once this cup of tea runs out.

Those of you who pray, pray for my freedom and safety.

Thursday, 18 April 2013

succesful blogmerge,
The new and old homeless blogs have been merged.
Because I don't care any more.

Good morning peeps,
I returned yesterday evening from my cosmopolitan life in the city. In case you are wondering why I always come back, the city is not a safe place for me to sleep rough. There are different levels of danger in rough sleeping, and that city is high risk.

I was in the library yesterday, writing, actually writing, it makes me feel sick but I need to start writing again now and I don't want to.
Yesterday evening I arrived back here, had a cup of tea and waited until bed time and then went to sleep in my blanket pile, the wind was strong and cold and I thought I would doze in my blankets until it was safe to go to the porch, but I ended up sleeping the night in the corner.

Woke up with flashbacks, the old flashbacks that I had managed to control and drown out are rampant again because of the church.

I had my usual breakfast and went for a walk and ended up caught in a rain shower when I was chatting to the wading bird.

I had a cuppa and sat and read my book as I waited for the library to open.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Hi peeps,
Do you know what irritates me?
The cough from that illness has never completely gone, and at night and in the morning I still cough up infection.

Good morning peeps.
Yesterday I came to the city and stayed over here in the bolthole, I got my hair and everything else clean and had a rest and relaxed.
I was troubled by memories about everything so I spent some time last night writing and emailing.
I need to finish my account of what has happened to me, but I struggle with it and am afraid to do it.
This morning I woke up and it had been raining and the city was as sweet and beautiful as ever in the rain.

Here I am in the library.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

The old blog was better, peeps, I was just looking through was very exciting.
I just found out that the former Bishop who destroyed me had a stroke a year ago. He and his decided to judge, condemn and destroy me instead of leaving me to God's judgement, and maybe  God answered him about that.
I didn't know that until this week because of the whole uproar and apologies in the paper and things, but I was looking through the old blog to see what I was doing a year ago.
There is nothing about vengeance prayers, but the person who appeared in my dreams and asked where I was on April 10th last year was one of the three people, including this Bishop who has damaged me the most..

Here is the blog extract from april 10th 2012:

Yesterday after McD's and some bin raiding I went to sit in church for a minute.

Then I phoned the daycentre and wailed miserably to them about having no bus money and that my clothes stank and my other clothes and bedding were soaking wet and my boots were on their last legs and I was tripping over the soles.

The daycentre staff conferred and said they were so short staffed that they couldn't pick me up, they said they would ring me back.
They rang back and asked if I had the bus fare to get there and they would reimburse me, I told them I had no money at all.
They said they would ring me back.
They rang me back and said that if I hurried to the bus station one of the staff would be there also waiting for the bus and she would get me a day ticket.

I scuttled in the direction of the bus station, as I scuttled and old lady fell over accross the road and no one noticed, I sprinted on all my bad legs and helped her up as she seemed unable to get up at all, she was pouring blood from a cut on her head, she must have hit her head.
Physical contact is not my thing but I held her up and put a tissue to the head wound and held it there, someone else took the lady's other arm and I picked her bag up and we helped her to the medical centre, which happened to be her doctor's surgery, and mine, the tissue was soaked with blood and and soemone got another one, there was blood everywhere, including on me, I can understand why Doc Martin gets sick at the sight of blood now, I felt sick, we sat the lady down and medical staff came to help her, she was dizzy, I hope they got an ambulance and got her to A&E, I bet they did. Afterwards I thought maybe she was on aparin or warfarin which would explain why there was so much blood.
Anyway, I scuttled very fast to get to the bus station in time, the daycentre lady grabbed me and we leaped aboard the bus. I scrubbed the blood off me with handwash gel.

At the daycentre they gave me clean socks and pants and I put some of my things in the washing machine and had a shower, then I went to get my other wet and dirty clothes and sleeping bag and put them in the wash.
I had a good lunch and lots of tea and sat and read while my washing cooked and my netbook charged.
I ended up staying until closing time, then I went back into town with all my heavy washing, went to the chattery shop, they had a pair of men's leather boots in my size, not ideal but better than the stinking disintegrating ones that I was wearing, they let me have these on credit because they know me and they didn't think I could go on walking in the boots I was wearing.

So here I was, all clean and in new boots, happy bunny.

I was getting tired from lack of sleep though, bin raiding only turned up a hot drink.

Two homeless men came past and asked if I had any change, I politely said no, and as they went on one said to the other 'she's homeless too, didn't you see her looking in the bin?', he replied 'I thought she was putting something in it'.

I went in church and dozed off with my book, the younger Father came to lock up and said hello. Then I went bin raiding, these new boots are rigid leather, not ideal as the tendons in my leg don't move the foot properly and the soft webbing walking boots encourage the foot to move, while the rigid leather keep the foot rigid and so it hurts like hell.  I also cannot put my orthotics in these boots as they are too narrow, but at least my ankle is supported. And at least I am wearing strong waterproof footwear that is not tripping me up.

The temperature shot down to freezing very quickly and I put my thermal top on, I came across Roar sitting with the bullying female immigrant, Roar roared hello to me and I went to chat, he handed me a delicious ham sandwich and rattled on about football and badminton and golf and alcohol, oh, it's tuesday night, drink and drugs night for some people, including these two.
For me it was just nice to see a familiar face and have a natter, and a sandwich!

It was cold though and my legs wouldn't hold me, so I told Roar that I was going to sit in the bus station, he told me not to catch a bus by accident.

Soon it was soup kitchen time, and that was good, well, lots of hot tea is very welcome on a bitter cold night, I also had crisps and chocolate and some cheese and pickle sandwiches, I do not like pickle but there was no choice.

The signs of it being drugs night were very obvious in the usual suspects, including Roar. I could see that by the time late night outreach came there would be all kinds of uproar.

After soup kitchen I just had an hour's wait for the bus and then I went to my friends' house and kipped down in their conservatory.

I slept for 11 hours and dreamed lots of whacky dreams.
I dreamed that my friend who died last year was alive and determined to have a baby, she was lining up surrogate mothers and having HRT.
I also dreamed I was on a very long escalator and realised it had stopped, I felt sick looking down this static escalator and I walked down carefully and tried to step over the electrical wires which were jumbled everywhere on the floor.
The other dreams were jumbled but someone I used to know popped into my dreams to ask where I was, she does this a lot at the moment, I am not sure why. I told her I was at King's Lynn. Hehe. Always tell people you are at King's Lynn.

My friend gave me a lift into town, my bin raids have come to nothing so far and I have survived on coffee morning coffee and the remains of the chocolate I got from soup kitchen last night. Soup kitchen was busy last night or I would have got more food to save.

The abcess in my jaw has returned, I am hoping it will get bored and wander off, but I may need to wait till next week and see my dear sweet dentist lady so she can put antibiotic paste in it.
I went to the community group to see all me pals, that was fine except I was in a lot of pain and felt too hot in there.
On the way back I got stopped by the police who went on at me a bit about where I was sleeping and how they wanted to check up on me, I hate this, I do not want police waking me up in the night and disturbing me :(

Life is not fun :(
I wish something would get better.
Morning peeps,
When the library closed yesterday I had a few hours to wait until bed time and enough money for a chip butty and enough stickers for a cup of tea.

Eventually I went and lay down in the blanket pile in the corner and slept, I woke at 1.30am feeling very rough, the drunken shouts nearby had been mingling with my nightmares and I was cold - which is unusual and I needed the loo, the weather was changing for the worse with the wind picking up and rain coming in, so I removed myself to the safety and shelter of the porch.
I was unusually cold and so I fished some handwarmers out of the backpack and put one in my bandanna and one in my sleeping bag and tucked down and slept again.

I woke up warm and comfy at 7am and the rain had stopped but it was windy and the ground was wet.
I felt low and it is always hard to get up when I feel like this, and I was in pain, i dragged myself out of the blankets and packed up and stashed everything. My money was in so I got breakfast at McD's and sat there for some time reading my book, then I had a wash and waited for the library to open.
I didn't feel like a walk. My system is on the blink, there is blood when there shouldn't be and there is pain, very noticable pain and no longer just the sharp intermittent pain, it is radiating and dull deep pain, I have put a heat patch on my side but I do not think it is just gallbladder pain now, something is wrong and my heart keep beating wrong too.

I need my friends at the moment but at the moment there is no-one to turn to right now.

Monday, 15 April 2013

Hey peeps,

Today I have been sitting in the library and writing, not writing what I need to but at least I have been writing.
I have eaten and done the usual things and had a walk around, managed to locate my missing toothbrush and brush my teeth and change my socks. Yesterday I managed to get a belt to hold me troosers up. I have trouser problems, when I buy trousers I have to get size 18 because my thighs are huge as a legacy of all the exercise I used to do, but my waist is a size 16, so when I wear the trousers for a week or so and they stretch, they end up too big :( but size 16s are too small on the thighs when I try them on, so I can't put them on properly :(

Anyway. Today has been raining and warm and windy.
Hey hey, guess where I am hoping to go tomorrow? :)

Hi peeps,

Well yesterday was Sunday, which is always tough.
I kind of alternated being in the coffee shop and sitting on the bench by the church or lying down on a blanket behind church because I was tired and having to shift every time it rained.
I had a book, I still have a book, a big interesting book that is taking time to read, so that has kept me occupied.

yesterday afternoon I was so bored that I went to the city, I had a coffee there and then went to church, my church had no evening service so I went to a new church and that was fine, good teaching and lively worship.

Then I came back and tucked down in my blankets in the corner, dozed off and then it started to rain, so I scrambled for the porch and fell asleep again and woke at 7am and did the usual. I had had very bad nightmares during the night, nightmares about the police and church, so I was glad to be awake but was still in flashbacks for a while.

I didn't want my walk this morning so I had a wash and went and sat on a bench.
Then here I am in the library. I wrote something for the church of england about my reaction to the situation.

Sunday, 14 April 2013

Good morning peeps,

Well that was the London weekend.
I had a reasonably peaceful journey to London though the train was busy.
I had an easy underground journey and got there early, so I sat on a wall nearby and listened to my music and waited.
Then a disabled man who comes all the way from Liverpool arrived, I decided to stay out a bit longer until some of the others appeared, but one of the Brothers came out and saw me and asked me to give him some advice about the roses, so I did, and then we went indoors and had strong coffee and chatted, and other people arrived and it was all talk and buzz.

Mass was fine if a bit disrupted, there were a lot of new people and people came in late so it was a bit messy but I was ok with some friends at the back.

Then it was lunch, the usual delicious soup and bread, sadly there were so many people that there were no second helpings of delicious soup.

a lot of people were working in the gardens in the afternoon and it was crowded and worse with the children running and shrieking, but I worked at sorting the rose bushes out and then it started pouring with rain and we were rained off.

The brothers were grinning and giving me more strong coffee before the Talk, I don't know if they were trying to deliberately make me go mental and hyper during the talk but it certainly looked that way, imagine me buzzing busily around during the talk? :)
Actually, even with my friend not there to keep me in check I behaved myself perfectly and enjoyed the talk.

Then it was Holy Hour and evening prayer, I went to go for confession during Holy Hour but someone took so long in confession that Father had to give the benediction when three of us had not been to confession, and so he said he would see us after supper and I yelped in dismay because I knew I would have to go and get my train.
So Father said he would see me while the brothers were serving food.

So we started the pre-supper prayers but I was getting very tense so I went outside, and then Father came to find me and I went to say confession, and he asked me if I really wanted confession or to talk? And I said I wanted confession and I said confession but he knew I needed to talk, so we talked and I cried and I told him about it all and he talked and prayed and it all felt better.
By the time we finished talking, the Brothers had saved our supper in the oven and so we had supper and then someone gave me a lift to the station and I made my way back on the drunk trains to here and my sleeping place and I tucked in and slept, there was lots going on in my dreams but I cannot remember what, and I got up at 7am and stashed and went to McD's and all the usual and here I am, waiting for the end of the world.

Saturday, 13 April 2013

Good morning peeps,
I returned here yesterday, spent the rest of the day in the library and then had a walk around.
I was tucked into my blankets and asleep early despite it being a weekend and I lay there and looked at the starry sky and then slept.
I woke this morning feeling completely relaxed and rested and a bit warm.
Stashed the bags and headed to McD's.

It's the London weekend, but my friend is away otherwise I would stay with her and go to London, I am going alone by train, all grown up :)
I am just going to drink my coffee and head for the station.

It is a beautiful clear day.

Friday, 12 April 2013

Good morning you peeps you,

Last night I did the necessary weevils of hygiene and health and sorted out my posessions and then settled to sleep in bed.

I woke this morning as my alarms went of, it was dark and raining outside with all the lights shining in the rain, beautiful.

I got up and put the kettle on and had a shower and went for breakfast.
Then I finished sorting my things out and finished sorting myself out and left the bed and breakfast, I am all clean and hygenic and sorted.

Here I am in the library. It is still rainy but due to get better.

Thursday, 11 April 2013

Hi peeps,
I arrived in the city, I managed to get a room for the night, they only had a double so I can only afford one night, not two.
I immediately had a very long and thorough shower, washing my filthy hair and trying to get the blue dye from my jeans out of my legs and cleaning my battered feet as best I could.
Oh having clean hair is lovely!

I had a rest and watched some television and then took my washing to the laundry and I now have clean and dry clothes, only I didn't manage to wash my best top and teeshirt because I couldn't take them off because my other teeshirt and jumper were too wet and smelly to wear even while I washed the best ones.
But I have clean clothes!
And so I came back here to the bed and breakfast, this town is too tempting, I want to stay out there and walk, but I only have one night in here to rest and sort myself out, so I had better rest tonight and sort myself out and roam the town tomorrow, the air in this town smells so good and I love this town, I keep going to the window and gazing out.

I have cut my nails, which is another thing I get mad about, I hate long or dirty nails but when you live on the streets and cannot keep your nails clean it is tough and I hate cutting dirty nails.
So, before bed I want to shower again and do some more hygiene and then start packing my bag for tomorrow when I return to the streets.
Oh peeps, the tea and the cleanness is great. Please pray for me as I do not know what is happening with the church of England and I am very scared of them, they had me very badly damaged and I live in fear.

Hi peeps,
Yesterday I spent most of my day in the library and when the library closed I was at a loss as it was pouring with rain.
I had a voucher for apple pie at McD's and a voucher for small fries, and I decided to have those separately so as to allow me more shelter time and less hunger time.
I got my apple pie and it was cold and there was nowhere to sit in McD's so I walked in the wain and ate my pie, there was nothing in the bins.
I sat in church briefly.

Then I walked some more, and got my fries and sat in McD's for a while,
In the end, defeated and sorrowful I crept into my porch and tucked in and cried myself to sleep as the rain hammered down outside.
I woke with a raging headache to remind me of caffeine withdrawal and dehydration etc, and crawled out into the rain and stashed my bags and headed for McD's, my money was in and I got a breakfast with tea and orange juice and my body was most relieved by this and I also took some co-codamol.

Then I went and sat in the coffee shop with my laptop for some time and had some decent tea and felt better.
Then I had a brief wash and went to poundland for the usual payday stuff, deodorant and shower gel and more ibuprophen.
and here I am.
It is raining still.
I am hoping to go to city later and get showered and launder my clothes. Please pray that I can.

Wednesday, 10 April 2013

Hi peeps,
It is hard to write the blog these days.
I am so tired.

yesterday when the library closed I walked round and round the town, making a trench in the pavement as I walked the same routes over and over again.
I used my sticker to get a cuppa at McD's and eventually I was safe to go and settle in the porch and sleep.
I slept quietly through the night and woke only briefly feeling strange, kind of joyful as if I had been dreaming of the island and was back before the bad or in another life where I didn't suffer depression.
I rolled over and slept again and reluctantly got up at 7am and stashed my bedding.

Today was due to be a very thin day so I was not keen on being awake.
But I wandered round and round, couldn't go in McD's due to no money.

I sorted out 50p in small change for when the burger van would open, so i could get a cuppa. The burger van was running late today :(
I couldn't persuade myself to go for my walk but dragged myself kicking and screaming to the loo for a wash.
The library was open before the burger van so I sat in the library and I found I had a meal voucher for the chip shop. So I went and got a cuppa first and the burger man said I could have my cuppa free, then I went to the chip shop and got sosij and chips and sat in the meadow and ate them.

Then back to the library. The weather is still very wet.

Tuesday, 9 April 2013

Hi peeps,
I spent most of yesterday in the library, I feel very defeated and unable to do much.
When the library closed I walked around and managed to get a free hot drink token out of the bin, and some stickers, enough for another one and a half drinks. So I used the voucher for a hot drink and as soon as I could I went and tucked down in my porch.

I was tucked in at 9.45pm and slept quietly all night even when the bad weather came in, I stayed dry and warm in my porch.
I got up at about 7am and did the usual, I rebagged my bedding in new bags to keep the bad weather out.
I went to McD's and used stickers and my last bit of change to get a cuppa and a bagel.

Then I persuaded myself to take my walk in the rain and then have my wash, I don't feel like doing anything.

I came to the library for a while and then went to see all my pals at the group.
There was plenty of fizzy pop and cups of tea at the group and then we had the usual burgers and hot dogs for lunch.

Then I had a walk around and came back here.
It is raining.
My head is heavy and I want to sleep.

Monday, 8 April 2013

Hi peeps,
I don't feel much like writing the blog.
I haven't written much because I haven't been online much and haven't felt very good.

'The Devil got in' is the usual way of describing things that go wrong as they have over the last few days.
But a better explanation is that I had to deal with going back to where I had been so hurt, in the city that I loved so much, my home city since I left my family, and I came to face the grave of my friend and other friends and the empty house and accept that those sunny golden days are gone and that it is winter now, irreparably.

The chilling memories as I walked through the city included being beaten and brutalized by the police in front of the other homeless people and locked in a cage.
I will never be me again.

So after walking through the city and placing my hand on the stone of the Cathedral as I always have, to symbolize that I am home, I made my way back to my other home, on Sanctuary's shore, where I spend most of my days.
I have three homes in my heart, Sanctuary, where I am now and spend most of my time now, this is the home of my childhood, the city that I went to on Saturday, this became my home town when I left my family, and remained my home town, where love and friendships grew and I never tired of the beauty of the city, but it was taken from me and all my love and friendships destroyed by the church of England. My third home was the Island, which I fell in love with and which I will never return to.

Anyway. On Saturday evening I came back here, but I was no longer ok, I could not walk peacefully or do anything and cold anger and distress were building up in me and all I could think to do to help myself was go to my blankets and lie down.
I slept and woke on Sunday morning feeling no better.

I decided that I would leave my church and the pastoral care because I simply cannot cope with it.

The church was crowded for the main service as there was a baptism, I hate baptisms anyway because it is usually a lot of non-church people getting in the way, smoking outside, loud and in the way and thinking about the alcohol afterwards.
In the end I was tearing my hair out because I was so crowded and cornered.
So I left.

I emailed the minister and said that I want to end the pastoral care, I cannot cope with men, men in dog collars or any form of church-based help because of the horrifying memories that are raining down on me.

I cannot cope with anything.

Sunday was a miserable blur, I sat in the coffee shop some of the time, sometimes I walked and sometimes I slept on a bench.
In the evening I had a scrap with some church people, oh never mind I just cannot cope with church anything to do with it.

In the evening, as soon as I could I went to lie down in my blankets and slept through the night.
I woke this morning and did the usual.
Here I am.

Saturday, 6 April 2013

Hi peeps,
I went to church last night because the priest said I could sit in during choir practice and that I could wash my hair in the loos.
It got worrying because an aggressive drunk man followed me into church and the priest got rid of him after talking to him.

I washed my hair and read a book and sat and had a cuppa.
Then when the church closed I went out for my walk, and came back and went to sleep in my blankets in the corner under the starry sky.

I woke peaceful and comfortable at 7am and wondered if I would stay in bed.

I got up and had a quick breakfast at McD's, quick because there was an annoying workman getting too close.

Then I went for a walk.
The wading bird had his back to me with his head in a drain and when I said hello he grumped and went back to sleep.

My friend had texted me the previous night and asked if she could come up to meet me, and I decided that now was the time for me to cross a great barrier.
For a long long time now I have been unable to just go to her, and the times I have been to stay with her she has had to smuggle me home and have me in secret. Now that things have changed, I should be able to go there without fear.

So when she phoned me this morning I asked if I could come to meet her instead of her coming to me, and I asked if we could visit my deceased friend's grave together.
She said yes, and so I caught the train.

we met at the station and it was a great and triumphant moment when I stepped onto the ground of my home city, the city with the star above it.
We drove the few miles to the church yard, I was nervous in case I had to face any of my old friends. But there was no-one, there was silence and no one near.
We walked to the memorial stones of the cremated and I found my old friend's headstone and knelt to greet her and we stood there for a minute.
I walked with my friend and showed her the other graves and told her the memories.
Then my friend stood at my old friend's grave and said a rosary while I tidied the graves of other old friends.
My deceased friend's grave was deserted and abandoned, which surprised me, she was so popular and lively and loved in life, but now her grave is untended and without the flowers that she loved so much, just some long-dead plants.
My friend suggested that we went and got some flowers and I agreed.
This was a tremendous time for me, I had not seen my deceased friend's headstone before because I was driven from her by the church of England when she was dying and had been separated from her and forced to flee the area. But now I can come back, now I can be here.

My friend and I drove down the old familiar lanes and up the beautiful and fast highway t othe small town by the river, we enjoyed a pot of tea and we got a picnic and some flowers.
We went back to lay the flowers on my deceased friend's grave.
We laid the flowers and walked through the silent deserted yard and over to the empty house. I showed my friend the bay tree that I had planted long years ago when it was tiny and now is a huge tree and I showed her the hedge I planted, now tall and wild, and I told her many stories of this and that to do with my life here.

See the bay tree 
how big it's grown
but friend it hasn't been that long
it wasn't big 
you laughed at me and I got mad
the first day that I planted it
was just a twig

Now my life's an empty stage
where Bonnie lived and Bonnie played
and love grew up
and Bonnie I miss you...

Everything was silent, no one around for miles and we walked quietly as I continued to recall, we sat in the meadow in the sun and enjoyed our picnic and I continued to remember.
We had a lovely peaceful time.

And again the past and the future are merging, and the hurts are fading.

Eventually it was time to go, we had sat in the sun for maybe an hour and been at peace, we said goodbye to my deceased friend's grave and walked back to the car, and my friend drove me back into the city and dropped me off.
I walked through my memories, harsh chilling and violent memories, memories of the horror and hurt caused by the church of England.
I walked through my home city and as if nothing else mattered I went and got a carton of juice and had a wash in the toilets and came to the library to go on my computer.

It is a bright warm day and this city is beautiful in the sun.
I never thought I would live to see the day.

Friday, 5 April 2013

Hi peeps,
Well I went to meet the minister, he wanted to know more about the things that had happened and what he had read in the paper and he talked about my future with him and his church supporting me.
He was kind, but you know what I am like when people talk about the future and support, it makes me want to wander in the wilderness and eat locusts and honey for ages.
The minister gave me some money to get another pair of jeans so my stinky jeans can be washed and a bit of money over for food.

When the minister left, I went to get some odds and ends for lunch and then I went and got some jeans.

Then I returned here to aimlessly compute, more news has been coming in through the day about what has happened and I remain stunned.
It is cold but dry out there and I have permission to go in church during choir practice and I am allowed to have a wash and wash my hair in the church loos, well not actually in the loo but in a washbasin.

I'm hoping to see the eyupmeducks next week. They have orange cups in their church.
Good morning you peeps you,

Well I can't remember yesterday completely clearly but I remember wandering to church and the church was open for the evening for various groups, so I wandered in and was welcomed and told to help myself to the kitchen.
The Minister and his wife came in, the minister had a meeting and his wife was tending the flowers, so I helped with the flowers and when the minister had finished his meeting he came and sat with me and talked to me gently and soothingly as before.
He now knows about the articles in the national papers and is amazed too. Well he was earlier, now he ominously wants to meet with me.

When the church was locked for the night I went for my walk with my music on top volume in my earphones and eventually wandered back to my corner and tucked down and slept.
I pretty much slept through the night and got up lazily at 7am and wandered my bags into the hedge and changed my socks at last! I got some socks from poundland yesterday.
I managed to find some clean knickers and things in my rat-chewed stashpack in the hedge so I am relieved to say I am sprayed with deodorant and smelling a bit cleaner.

I had my brekky in McD's as usual and had my wash and my walk, the pretty wading bird was there on the waterside and a man was feeding the other birds, maybe waders don't eat bread, the wader was snapping up worms from the mud.

I am here in the lib. The Minister wants to meet me at the cafe to talk, yikes.
Free coffee :)

Thursday, 4 April 2013

Hi peeps,
It has been a cold snowy day and I have been in and out of the library.

I had no idea at all that the story was news in all the national papers, and that the whole thing! not just the abuse and cover up, has been investigated and that lots of people are up in arms about it and that everyone is apologizing and that and more investigations and this and that.
I dunno peeps, whats it all about?
I want my nice quiet walk with my music and to wander into my blanket pile and let the crazy clergy get on with it.
as long as they keep up with not mentioning me by my former name in the press.

Good morning you oddly peeptype peeps,

Well, yesterday was the day.

I can't remember what was happening but everyone has been emailing me and kicking up a fuss.
and so I was led to the article in the paper where the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Bishop of the Diocese where I was destroyed apparently apologize to me, and the man behind my destroyal is suspended and facing action against him, he, the untouchable who would never be reprimanded!
Well it was a shock and I was stunned, and I stumbled out of the library, crying.

I realised this was why I had been traced, though tracing me with the police over this matter is inappropriate to say the least. I am glad that the church haven't known how to find me! wasn't that what my life has been about for the last few years? :)

I did as before and headed for church, my friend who helped me with the last shock came and sat with me and talked with me.
When she left I remained shocked and wandered aimlessly, not knowing where I was going.

Then I got some credit and phoned my dear friend, and she also had good news, she and her husband, who have sustained my life through all this terrible homeless destroyed time, have found a new home! They were facing homelessness themselves and now they have a new home to move to soon, and I will be free to go and see them, even at their old home now, because they have always had to smuggle me in secretly until now, because of all this church stuff.

Anyway, I continued my wanderings, which turned into my usual peaceful evening walk with my headphones in.
I went up to church eventually and one of the ladies had come to lock up after a group had used the church and she invited me to come and sit in church in the warmth for a while, there was an old lady sitting in church, she is lucid but has slight dementia or something and she tends to wander into church sometimes.
The old lady was scared to walk home again in the dark, so when the church lady locked up, I walked the old lady home and she held my arm and chattered away, very lively and fascinating.
When we got to her house she invited me in but I politely told her that I had to get home. :)

I went back to my porch and tucked down in my blanket pile and looked up at the starry sky, the church took my life but they gave me a sky full of stars.
I slept peaceful and comfortable, waking briefly to look up at a cold and clouded sky and woke with my early alarm in the morning and was up just after 6am in a very cold morning, the sun rising and the light blue sky partly covered with snow cloud.

I waterproofed my bedding for the bad weather and headed for McD's and used stickers and a token to get a cuppa and some porridge. I sat there for ages dreaming.

Eventually I put my earphones in and went for my morning walk, I can't begin to explain to you how beautiful my world is between evening and morning, the solitude and the water and the cold dark silence, it is awesome.
There is a solitary wading bird down by the water, every morning I stop to watch him as he potters up and down, I think he is autistic, I do not know the species but he is a pretty bird and I have not seen one like him before.

Anyway, when i dragged myself away from the water's edge, I went and had my wash and came here.
Technically I should be going to church to see if the gardener needs any help. But I am kind of stuck to my chair :)

Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Good morning peeps,
All quiet on the Western front, wherever that is.

Yesterday I eventually wandered off to see all me pals and had a good time there, tea, cola, hot dogs, chicken burgers that weren't too dry.

Then I returned myself to the library and dreamed quietly and listened to music and drifted.

In the evening I wandered and mooched and ended up at church for Bible study.
Bible study was good and went well and eventually it was time to go back out into the cold dark night.
I went up to the burger van for a cuppa, the guy there wasn't the usual guy, and he seemed to be struggling but he did a perfectly decent cup of tea for me.
Then I wandered into my porch with everything running round in my head and I tucked in and slept.
I woke once needing the loo and slept again.
I woke up all cozy and lazy this morning, not wanting to get up and feeling better than last night, when I was quite tense.

It was a beautiful morning and I wandered down to McD's and sat there maybe an hour or so with a cup of tea, it is sometimes hard to do anything at the moment. The guy with learning difficulties came to say hello and eventually I got some breakfast.
Then I had a wash and a cuppa and came here.

Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Good morning peeps,
It is a beautiful morning, the sun is shinning loudly and it is cold and crispy.
Yesterday evening I mooched happily around with my earphones in, had a cuppa or two at McD's and wandered dozily into my blanket pile as soon as it was dark, then I slept.

I woke at midnight, there were some drunk people shouting to each other as they went home.
I got up, used the loo and tucked back in and slept dreamlessly and peacefully, I woke at 7am and wandered peacefully out of bed and packed my things.

I walked to McD's in a beautiful peaceful morning and had a cuppa or two and then a wash.

I walked with my headphones in on top volume, feeling empty and good, giving the church and police a peice of my mind has released some tension, and I am peaceful until the next onslaught.

I am supposed to be going to the community group and seeing all me pals, but I can't be bothered to move from here where I am listening to loud music on headphones and daydreaming.

Monday, 1 April 2013

The weather returned to bitter cold with wind and snow clouds, I had a wash and got some handwarmers for tonight and went to my hedge to re-bag my bedding.
I sat there and did my bedding and things and looked after myself, changing my socks and knickers and looking after my battered and blistered feet. It always feels good to look after yourself, and because it is bank holiday I was completely undisturbed.

The cross outside church kept falling over and so I worked hard to stabilise it, and then i sat and read my book.
Town is as busy and lively as a normal day, there is a market and the tea stall is open, the only thing I am missing is the library.
I really  need a wash and my clothes washing.
Thankfully though my phone was running out of battery I am managing to charge phone and laptop in the coffee shop, and it is only five hours till bed time and the end of the bank holidays.

Morning peeps,
Yesterday evening I didn't stay in the big city all night, I came back home.
McD's was open and I got a cuppa. I was tired though and as it was dark and I have relocated to the corner to sleep now that it is British Summertime, I got my blankets and tucked down in my corner early.
I fell asleep with my earphones in and slept until midnight when the music was disturbign my sleep slightly so I switched it off.
Then I slept again, until 3am and had the horrible need to get out of the warm blanket pile into the cold to use the loo.
I did that and slept again.
I had a lazy bank holiday lie-in, 7.30am! I was kind of pleased to have stayed in bed so long and slept so much, I needed that sleep.
I felt better, but then I coughed up a lot.

I stashed the blankets and shambled lazily to McDonalds for 7.45 and had a cuppa.
A local guy who has learning difficulties came to say hello and drink his coffee with me, some people find him overwhelming but he is ok, I am free to be talked to and talk to him as long as he behaves himself.

Then I came here to the coffee shop where I can use my laptop.

Peeps, tomorrow all hell breaks loose with the church and police, please pray for my safety.

It is a cold and fairly clear spring day today.