last night didn't go too well all in all, yesterday eveing started ok because someone brought tins of chocolates and there was plenty of hot water for drinks, and someone cooked pasta and sauce, but it was difficult to get on with my tentmate, every time I tried to settle down in the tent she decided she would too and then she would get up again and go out and talk loudly outside so I couldn't sleep, I wasn't feeling well, very tired and feeling sick, a head cold and sore throat and mouth, and even when she did settle down for a few hours she kept rolling over and crashing into me in her sleep, even though she had a majority of the space in the tent, when she got up at four in the morning and decided to re-arrange the area round the tent and got the guys on guard to give her a noisy hand, it got too much for me, but my pleas for quiet were ignored, and so I gave up and left at 6am.
Back to peace and quiet on my own, or rather horrific distress on my own, during the night, every time I was woken I was in severe distress.
At 6am, the only place open was McD's, so I went in to get a cuppa, then I went to stash my bedding, I have lost the waterproof bag I used to keep it in, and when I get to the market the lady tells me that it is going to rain later, at the market stall I enjoy the banter and antics of the other people who go there for an early cuppa, then I go to the daycentre when it opens.
I get breakfas there and have a shower, showers are the best and worst thing for me, best because my dad drummed it into me that cleanliness and hygiene are the most important thing, so I don't feel right until I have had a wash or a shower, on the other hand I wonder why I bother to wash this mad bad person who the church condemned so utterly, and there are  bad memories to showers that I cannot talk about yet because I am too upset about it.

I wonder how my homeless friends in London are getting on, especially one particular one who I will call 'B.' He is one who's floor I slept on, and I never warned him I wouldn't be around, well I didn't actually know, did I? He was a friend and a trustworthy man, he made sure I got enough food and that the immigrants didn't push or hit me at Waterloo, we all had to give up trying to get food at the Strand because the immigrants had really taken over there and were too brutal. So when I left London, B. and the others were looking elsewhere for their food in order to escape the immigrants.

Music: I like music, the only opportunity I now get to listen to music is on the internet here in the library, a lot of music I like is to do with memories of parts of my life, but a lot of the memories are too painful now and so I have to be careful of what music I listen to otherwise I can get too upset, I am listening to 'Skimbleshanks' from Cats, the musical, this song originally reminded me of the hostel by the railway in a certain town and how me and my brother became friends and used to watch the trains and listen to 'Cats' together, now the memories of that town are clouded because some of the cruel church people live there, and my brother and I aren't close any more, I spent some of my time as a homeless adult in the hostel that replaced the one we lived in as children, and so the pure memories are clouded now.

Another song and another thing that I really want to talk about:
There is a song called 'Don't give up' by Josh  Groban, when things were at their very worst with the church, someone sent me that song to help me, but unfortunately the person who sent it has caused me deep shock recently, he was a friend, and a friend of the family, and I wouldn't have dreamed that he could do the things he has recently been arrested for.
I will give him the name G.P. When my sister was a teenager she escaped the ghettos to go outside the city and study stable management at a riding stables, there she met G.P. who took to escorting her home and looking after her, he was much older than her, 30 years or so older, but he became her boyfriend, but he he had a funny habit of driving her home and then sleeping outside in his car, and my parents took pity on him and took to inviting him in, he started to live in my sister's bedroom, which was very strange because my parents were dead set against people sleeping together outside of marriage, and when I left home, they took my room which was far bigger. Then they moved out to their own place, their combined incomes meant that they lived well, while I struggled badly with money as I tried to complete college, but I wasn't jealous, my parents' teaching about immorality was so ingrained in me that I knew I would never sleep with someone outside marriage, and I thought that the efforts of college would help me to do well in the future and I was happy in my home town and county, the only place in the world I wanted to be.
Anyway, I was surprised when my sister started very obviously spending time with other male friends, and then moved out to live with one of them, a man even older than G.P. and in poor health. She was demanding to sell the house that she and G.P. shared, and I was surprised she was so aggressive and that he was so passive about it.
On the rare occasions that I went to see my parents, G.P. would always come round to see me, and I liked to see him, but as a friend, and made it clear that that was all it was when he seemed very friendly or desparate to talk, and that was that.
When I went to see my parents two weeks before dad collapsed with his final stroke, G.P. phoned up to make sure I was there so he could come round, I remember my dad saying to him 'see you soon, drive carefully, Jesus bless you'. My dad and G.P. had become good friends, my dad, as usual, just had no idea that this man was doing anything bad. But there were obviously tensions in the family about G.P.

When dad went into the come that he never woke from, two years ago next week, the family were gathered together, but G.P was excluded, the family were talking about him, they were saying he was rather badly behaved in some ways, one of my sisters said that for years he had tried it on with my other sister while she was underage and had badly upset her, another sister said he had been really really keen to spend time with her, offering to put up a play slide for her baby daughter, and they talked about an oriental woman and daughter that he had been keen on, I hadn't really realised that he wasn't as well behaved as I thought, I guess I was blinded by my parents' trust in him, but I did notice a problem during the time dad was in hospital, G.P. came to the hospital when the rest of the family went to get drunk and left me alone with dad when hsi life support machine had been switched off and I couldn't bear to leave dad alone like that, G.P. came up and sat with us, he was obviously very upset, but when I needed to go home as I was ill and needed to make arrangements to get to the airport to fly home the following day, G.P. wouldn't take me home, he wanted me to stay there in his camper van with him at the hospital, NO! I phoned my sister (the one he had propositioned) and she and her boyfriend came and collected me.
After dad's funeral I heard that G.P. had been looking at porn on Dad's computer and was caught at it, I was horrified because dad would have been.
Then more recently I heard that G.P. had been arrested for kidnapping a 6 year old girl and posessing indecent images of children, I was horrified, it seems that my family knew more about his tendencies than I did, and one of them put a comment on facebook that shocked me, I asked if they were talking about G.P. and they scornfully said yes of course, I told them that he had been my friend and I had not been aware of the extent of the problem so it was a shock to me, it is a shock, I don't know the extent of his crimes, I just know he isn't innocent, and my mother makes out that he is, which doesn't surprise me, but him being in prison just brings back the shame of what the church did to me, and the double horror of everything, the triple horror of everything, because my parents were consistently wrong and invited people in to the home who did bad things and had bad intent, and yet they shut out the people who could have helped, for example medical people and school psychologists who could have diagnosed my difficulties and got me help.
so another wonderful song has distress attached to it.

Anyway, I am off to the dentist, see you later.