This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Tuesday, 29 May 2012

Hello Bloggies,

The blog ratings have dropped, is someone on holiday?

I was wide awake at a nice early time this morning, and no-one else was up, so I staggered into the kitchen and got a cuppa and plugged myself into the computer, then the others got up. I was one of the two out of four of us going to work today, and that felt good.

I had a wash and headed to work, it was cool and cloudy and I got a good day's work in and enjoyed it.
By the end of the working day my legs were very stiff and painful and I was very tired, so I headed straight back here.
There was good food and I had a cool shower and lay in the garden and read my book.

Sadly my friend is in danger of losing her job, through no fault of her own.

We watched a funny film anyway.

Here I am, doing a spot of writing.

Monday, 28 May 2012

Hi Bloggys,

I did go swimming, and enjoyed it. I managed to lose my wristband in the pool and wasn't sure what to do as it was in the deep end and I am not fit to dive yet, so I embarrasedly asked the lifeguard, and he got someone to dive and get it for me.
Anyway, I swam for an hour, it was lane swimming rather than larking about.
Then I tootled back here and wondered if I will feel like I have been in a car wreck when I wake up tomorrow, because I have not swum for years now, last time I swam was when my life was collapsing and I was in crisis and I nearly drowned because I couldn't swim because I was too ill and I was sailing and capsized the boat.

Anyway, I am going to be working tomorrow, so I hope I haven't done too much harm.
It was nice to be out in the evening as well.
Hi Bloggys,
I always feel like writing 'Hi Bloggywoggys' but I am afraid of getting highly bollocked for being non-pc.

Yesterday was a lazy day, and last night I slept without any real terrors, the distress is always in the background, but it didn't break out into full blown distress, so I slept, and I woke this morning and went to the daycentre, I got my disabled person's railcard today, and I went playing pitch and putt golf with the other homeless people, and we had fun despite the weather being hot.
Then we had lunch at the daycentre, spag bol, and I read a book, then I went shopping.
I got a swimsuit and a hat to keep the sun off and some teeshirts.

I passed by a subsidised gymn, they are offering cheap sessions, including disabled and rehab sessions, so I went in, but there was no one there to talk to me, so I took contact details and emailed them when I got back to my friends' house.

When I got back to my friends' house I lay in the garden and read a book, my friend came back from work and his noisy friend came round and the member of family who is off work was here, so we had a nice buffet tea, my other friend is working until late this evening, I did my laundry and hung it out to dry as I read my book in the garden, then a big thunderstorm came along, so I rushed my washing back indoors.

I am hoping to go swimming this evening.

Sunday, 27 May 2012

Morning bloggypeeps.
I almost feel like saying what a lovely morning, even though it is sunshine and blue skies, not my best weather as I get sick in the sunshine.

:) But I slept ok, well I fell asleep at about 00.30, which is still too late for me, woke at about 01.30 needing the loo, and then slept until 08.13 precisely, with no real terrors or flashbacks, sometimes the flashbacks tried to creep in, and I drowned them out, which I can't always do.

So here it is cup of tea time.
Last night when my friends got back, they brought one of the family with them, she had suddenly been made redundant :( so she has come to live here.

Today is Sunday, skive off church day, I still have a church shaped gap in my life, I don't really feel like going to my friends' churches, though I have nothing against them.

Saturday, 26 May 2012

What has been happening?
Well on Wednesday my friend came to talk to me, it helped a bit, but barely touched on the things that distress me.
I can't really remember the rest of wednesday, I was tired and I slept, I woke up at 2am on Thursday in the worst distress ever.

Eventually I slept again, and I got up in the morning to go to work at the nature reserve.
The weather was very hot. And I got too hot, I had been feeling tired and not too well to start with, so I finished at lunchtime.

I got some lunch in town and went back to my friends' house and had a cold shower, then I tried to rest, but their loud friend turned up so I went out and rode on buses and went to soup kitchen, I wonder why their friend always turns up when I have been at work and am shattered and need to rest?
Anyway, when I went back to the house I went to sleep.

I woke up in distress again.

On Friday morning I got up and went to the daycentre and collected my post, then I went into town, missed a train as usual as the bus was running so late as usual, so I went to where my friend works and told him I was in a muddle as to what to do about the whole weekend.
He advised me to go to chavtown, help with the quiz, sleep rough for once, see how I got on, maybe come back the next day and work on the nature reserve and spend the weekend back here and then go to chavtown again on monday for my walking help.

So I decided to take his advice.
I got the next train to chavtown, survived the journey, went to the library in chavtown and left my backpack in a locker and went on the computers, saw V. but he was absorbed in his computer games and didn't notice me.

I went to the bed and breakfast and got a room for tonight, no good me rough sleeping when I am in this state.
I had a shower and a snack and some tea, of course, and watched one of my favourite programmes.

Then I headed for the church where the quiz was to be. I got there and my friend wasn't there, the quizmaster met me and told me that my friend was sorting the food out, he asked if I could do the raffle ticket sales, I did and he was taking the entrance fees at first and then I did both, the sale of raffle tickets went really well and I spent most of the quiz folding the tickets and mixing them up in a tub, then I counted the money from the entrance fees and the bar and the raffle, we did well moneywise. I helped serve the food, which was delicious, and I got to sit and chat to my friends.

It was late when I staggered back to the bed and breakfast, I fell into bed and into sleep.
I woke up at 5am in very severe distress, but I went to the loo and slept again until 8.30 and woke up peaceful but very low indeed, I am in a serious patch of depression that nothing lifts.

I got up and ambled as slow as it is possible to amble, in the direction of the train station. I got a crowded train but got a space in the corridor with no wierdos, got back to sattelite town and very slowly made my way to the nature reserve, I am so tired that the sun and every step is unbearable, I tried to do some weeding, watched trains and talked to people, but no one else was trying to do any grounds work, it was too hot, so I wandered slowly back to my friends' house, everyone is out but they know I will be here. I had a cool shower and have just been watching television and computing.

Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Good morning bloggys,

I didn't chatter to you yesterday because I was busy and I was tired.

yesterday after all the cold and wet weather it was hot sunshine, and I was working.

I got to work and went through the usual confusion of getting through locked gates.
And I worked, and I got things done, again.
And At 1.30pm I left a work experience student finishing off the painting that will make the area I worked in perfect.
And off I staggered, exhausted, to the Benefits office, to meet with the man who deals with disabled workers.
The man had forgotten most of what we had said at the last meeting, but he remembered that I wanted to work, and he had enquired about supported employment on a farm for me, and he was waiting to hear back, and he asked how I had got on with finding volunteer work, he was impressed with what I told him and that I had been working on this hot day, he got me a drink of water, he asked what had happened about psychological help, I told him I had been referred to special needs.
And basically that was it, I see him again in a month unless he arranges some supported employment in the meantime.

I was so tired and I could hardly walk after that, so I staggered to the bus stop and home to my friends' house, I had a cold shower and tried to rest, my face was burning from the sun, I was all over hot and my skin was all swelled up and everything hurt, then their friend, the big loud one turned up and so I didn't get to rest, there is nowhere peaceful in the house when he is there, so in the end I went out and went into town and spent the evening sitting on a wall and reading a book.
I went to soup kitchen, more to see who was there than anything else. None of my gang were there.

I thought of waiting for the late night outreach and getting a sleeping bag and staying out, it was so tempting, but I was tired and stiff and not sure I was in a fit state to suddenly sleep out, I hadn't got to sleep until 2am the previous night, and my head and neck and legs were painful and I was dizzy, and I didn't want to cause my friend any concern by staying out. So eventually I went back to my friends' house.

I got back there at about 9am but I was barely awake and not very coherent or competent, so I lay down in the conservatory and slept, woke at 2am needing the loo, worried that the terrors would get me before I slept, but it didn't get too bad. I slept and woke when my friend brought me a cup of tea this morning.

And I have spent the morning sitting dozily here, not groggy just slow, I didn't need anything to help me sleep last night.
I have also cleaned all of downstairs and the kitchen and folded the laundry, and had a shower. I am a tad worried that I had upset insides without noticing again, this is bad and upsetting. I am supposed to be waiting for a friend to come over and talk with me.

I realise I have a choice of going to chavtown for the weekend or staying here and stewarding at a local festival. I used to do so much stewarding and marshalling, but I am not sure I am completely fit to do it now. My legs barely stand up to the work on the nature reserve. The man at the benefit office asked about that yesterday and I told him it was killing my legs but that I wanted to do it so never mind the legs.

Yesterday evening I had a text from the boss at the nature reserve, he was very enthusiastic about the work I had done. I am quite bowled over to have a text enthusing about my work as I am not work fit and I work slowly at the moment, and it is rare to have a boss who texts and says he is happy with your work!

I had a text this morning from my friend in chavtown, she was telling me that there is a quiz on Friday if I was thinking of coming home, hehe, I was going to go on monday for my walking help, but maybe I can make it a long weekend, I will miss working the weekend and I will miss the steam trains, but hell I can help with the quiz and see my old friends again!

Monday, 21 May 2012

Hello bloggys.

I woke up still asleep this morning and remained sleepy. I staggered into the daycentre and had lunch. The daycentre was crowded but there was chicken and rice for lunch.
I had a letter waiting for me, it had a small cheque in it.
I went home to get my passport to cash the cheque, and I stopped to clean the kitchen.
My friend got home and we had a cup of tea, then I went into town and cashed the cheque.

I went and got my friends a present and a thank you card for looking after me.

Today I have been looking online for rooms available to rent.

The gloomy weather has faded into a bit of sunshine now.

Sunday, 20 May 2012

It was a quiet, no church Sunday today.
I fell out of bed at a reasonable hour and have been on the computer most of today. Writing.
I listened to hymns this morning, while one friend went on church duty and the other didn't.
We had lunch at some point and played scrabble.
watched movies.
And all I have really done is write. Which is good.
I am tired.
Night night.

Saturday, 19 May 2012

Hello bloggytypepeople,

Today I woke at 5am needing the loo. I had been dreaming of my old friends in chavtown, which was ok, I went back to sleep when I had been to the loo, but the dog was scratching at the door and I was too woozy to do anything about it.
Woke again at 8.50am, the house was silent. No one was up.

I got up, woozy from the nytol and antihistamines that help me sleep. Staggered into a cup of tea and a shower and clean clothes.
Staggered out of the house feeling half dead. Went to work, expecting to help in the cafe but ended up working in the nature reserve and gardens on my own all, day, there was plenty of tea and biscuits and nice visitors and staff. 
I had another go at the model railway controls and I could have spent all day in there on the trains, it is awesome.
Outside I climbed up to the viewing platform to watch the real trains on the mainline, there were no steam trains today :( but I watched a freight driver have his tea break.

A good day's work.

Got home tired.

My friends' family who own the dog came to collect him, and stayed for hours.

I am here trying to work out how to ward off the flashbacks and fall asleep :(

Friday, 18 May 2012

This morning I went to the daycentre. Tag was there, he was going on about blood clots in his leg, he seems to have a new problem every Friday to put his life in danger, maybe he gets his giro on Thursday.

I wanted to do my washing, but the washing facilities at the daycentre were heavily in use, so I didn't.
I went into town and asked the chattery shop connected with the homeless charity if I could volunteer for them, they said that clients aren't even allowed to help in the charity shop, they told me that the other charity shop that I was interested in would be too pressurised for me, and they suggested a few other charity shops that might be suitable.

I asked my friends if I could use their washing machine, so now my washing is cooking in their machine.

I have been studying, though it causes flashbacks.
Morning bloggys,

I didn't sleep until 2.30am, not because I was cold, I think I slept alot during the day because I was ill and then I was too alert at night, and full of flashbacks.
It was a horrible night, but in the end I slept but was too hot and woke up groggy and sick.

I dreamed of the past, my friends and abusers and the village and my friend who is dead.

I am off to the daycentre for clean clothes and brekky, my friends have been too busy to shop so there is not much to eat here, and their family are still here so they have been eating things.
They all got home at half past midnight as well, which helped to keep me awake maybe, but I don't mind, they had a good time :)

Thursday, 17 May 2012

Well good evening bloggies, I have gone from not writing much to writing a lot more.

Everyone is out, so I have had a bath and had a pot of tea and took the dog for a walk to the shops, had supper, completed one of my online courses and am working on other courses.
I am tired and I feel a bit unwell and queasy, but never mind.

Hello bloggys.
I went back to sleep and only woke at 16.30 when all my friends were preparing to go out for the evening.

Now I have the house to myself so I am having a tv and DVD fest, I am watching vicar of dibley and at 17.30 I will watch my parents are aliens.

I feel a lot better, except when I cough, and the whole headache is still there when I cough :(
hello bloggys, I am just doing some online courses, my headache and sickness has faded out a bit, thankfully.
My friends are at work, but their family who are here are very busy, they have tidied the house and are making plans and ironing clothes as they are taking the anniversary couple out for a special evening this evening.
I am just sitting in the corner trying to be out of the way, and computing.
I probably need to eat something, and I have only had one cup of tea so far today.
Good morning bloggypeeps.

Oh dear, I am proper poorly this time. Usually when I am ill it is something specific like a migraine triggered by the pain in my neck, or problems keeping food down because I have a wonky digestive system.
At the moment I am cold, which never happens, and I have a raging all over headache that isn't a migraine and my stomach keeps doing somersaults, I have only had tea and water and it wants to hurl those back up.

Last night I tucked down in duvet and blankets but I couldn't stop shivering, my feet wouldn't warm, and in all my rough sleeping career I never had cold feet. After a while I got back up and put an extra top and extra socks on, tried to take my temperature but the thermomenter was wonky and told me my temperature was 34.7 C, haha, anyway, I put another blanket on and eventually I slept.

I dreamed that I was ill and couldn't wake up, I dreamed my sister put some chocolate biscuits by my bed for when I woke up and I woke up at 11.30  and there were events going on, a lady was singing beautiful songs including 'when a child is born'.
I woke up thinking I had really overslept until 11.30, but it was 8.30, my friends had gone to work and their family were sleeping in, I still felt very cold and headachy, as I do now. But at least I have no work or appointments today, so I am going back to bed soon. :(

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Hi Bloggypeeps,
you seem to be reading avidly, what would you like me to tell you? Sorry I am not doing my regular updates in detail at the moment.

Well, yesterday I scrambled into town late and tense and went for a volunteers interview.
(late because the stupid buses here never run on time).

I was having the screaming horrors about the interview because I didn't know how I was going to explain myself and my life, but it was ok.
I filled in forms and had a chat with a lady who went through a vast wealth of opportunities, to make a long story short, I was working half of yesterday in a nature reserve, with plenty more work where that came from. Think about that, not only am I back to my old beloved work, but it is on my terms, no pressure and I am a volunteer again! Those of you who know me and my story will know how I loved my volunteer work which I used to fit round my 'real' work, and how devastated I was about losing that part of my life.
There are plenty more opportunities of volunteering, and even my old stewarding and marshalling at events jobs, though I have to be more careful about those because of my health and state of mind. But I could almost be a full time volunteer if I wanted to.
The side effect of working again so far is pain in my legs and feet, stiffness and hobbling, hopefully it will wear off as I continue.
I almost worked today, but there weren't enough people onsite today, so I will do saturday.

Today I caught some trains and ended up some miles away, went to the daycentre in this new town, drank tea, got talking to a man who is most probably schitzophrenic and reminded me of a cross between my old 'friend' Carl and my old friend 'P'. He took me to a church that was doing homeless lunch, and there we had spam sandwiches and tea, people gathered round and talked, as they do, and then I escaped as the guy I met was a bit clingy and I was getting worried because he was obviously a lonely man, he kept on about trust and asking if he could trust me, he told me lots of girls had used him, and I do believe him, he is vulnerable and confused and hurt, but I am not fit for a relationship and neither is he, he said what M. used to say about me, that he liked me because I was one of the only girls he met who wasn't on drugs or an alcoholic.

Anyway, I had a wander around the town and looked at potential sleeping places and bedding. I like this town and I was so tempted to sleep rough here, I wanted to run away from home. But I was so tired and unsure of myself, so I texted my friend in sattelite town and explained how I was feeling, he said they would prefer me to come back or they would be concerned, I do not want them concerned, and I was so tired, so I came back, there is a full house here again, but I am glad to be back and sleep in my soft duvet in their conservatory, I feel tired and sick and shivery, my right hand keeps on and on twitching, maybe because of physio on my neck and shoulder, not sure if it is a memory of the spasms I got in the past, but basically who cares. I am tired.

It is my friends' official anniversary today, so they have nice cards, and yes I remembered.
It is cold and I feel tired, the flashbacks have been an endless stream and there have been some tears as well. :(
Ok bloggies, I need to stop the emotions and look at tucking down, I could have slept hours ago and I think I could do a marathon sleep now.

Tuesday, 15 May 2012

I like this song.

I feel like I am waiting and everything has ended anyway.
Morning bloggypeeps.

Yesterday I saw V. in chavtown, he told me he had just got out of jail for hitting a policeman.
He looked a bit high.
Whatever happened to him being a special constable and all the rest of it?
He said he was 'smashed out of his face on Vodka' at the time.
I hope it is just a phase, he is too good to be in trouble and turn bad.

It was a brief day in chavtown. The walking help went well. And that is all I really went for.

I did go on the computers and do part of a health diploma.
But no work.

There were thunderstorms and a rainbow.

On the way back to sattelite town the train operators decided to tip everyone off the train at a station and change the trains around. People heading for sattelite town were offered a nice fast train but with a 15 minute wait, so I had a pleasant wander and sat in this little country station which is vaguely familiar.

The fast train had a very eccentric guard, very unguardlike.

Anyway, we arrived in Sattelite town and I found I had lost my bus ticket and had no cash and very little phone credit, there are no post office cash points in this town and it was late evening, so I used my last text to text my friend, but he was at house group and didn't get the text. So a security guard lent me his phone and I phoned my other friend, who came to collect me.
The muddle shows my state of mind.

Monday, 14 May 2012

Hello Bloggypeeps.
Guess where I am?
yes, chavtown.
I had some walking help, very painful. But my walking problems are significantly better now, I was given some more exercises to do to strengthen the muscles.

I saw my old friends at the daycentre, and I had a chatter with Scotty earlier.

I don't think I will be doing any physio on my shoulder and neck for the moment, something is out of place as a result of the physio, it is painful.

I did a short Irish course last night and passed the assessment. I am certainly back into my learning, though it upsets me a lot because of the memories.

Sunday, 13 May 2012

Hello bloggypeeps, how are things?

Well it has been a hectic few days.

All my friends' family have descended in the last 24 hours because of a wedding anniversary and renewal of wedding vows. I asked if I should butt out and go and sleep rough for a few days, but they wanted me to stay.

So I stayed. We all went out for a meal last night at a pub, which was all very nice. The only problem for me was that my head and neck and shoulder were hurting, and when we got home I really felt ill from that and from what I think was an allergic reaction to artificial sweetner in the pudding.

Allergic reaction includes bloating and swelling up like a whale, throwing up and diahrrea and feeling awful.  The best thing I could do was go to bed, and I knew I would sleep, and I did, I slept from 9.30pm to 7am this morning when I needed the loo. When I had been to the loo I went back to dozing.

My friends went off to church as they were reading testimonies at both services, I stayed behind with the two young ladies of the family who are both a few years younger than me, and we all got ready to go to the second service where the renewal of vows will be done.
The girls both wore tasteful dresses, and I almost wished I had a tasteful dress, but I looked ok in new jeans and my black and white top and with a smart new haircut, so off we trotted to church, and enjoyed the testimonies and renewal of vows. Lovely.
Then it was home for a Larkin style lunch :)

Saturday, 12 May 2012

Well what has been happening, terrible insomnia, I think this is caused by being semi-indoors and being overwhelmed with distress and despair.
Anti-histamines are better at helping me sleep than nytol.

The psychological interview was a complete disaster, no understandable communication and great distress, so I went back to the doctor and was referred for 'special needs' psychological help, and I have a feeling that that will be easier.

Physiotherapy on my shoulder and neck was painful, and has triggered a lot of pain at the moment, I have a theraband and lots of physio exercises to do each day, so far so good.

The rainy weather has eased up a bit.

If I was ever an indoorsperson I would love saturdays like this, lazy reading, DVDs and good food.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012

Hello Bloggypeeps.
I went to the doctor today, got anti-histamines because it is hayfever season and I don't want it to impact on my asthma, also got a new kind of medicine for my insides as the old one was not working and I am getting terrible upsets, the doctor wanted to examine me but I freaked out.

I went to the benefits agency and had a chat with them, they are enquiring to a certain place about some part time supported employment for me, and I also took their advice and made an appointment with the volunteer office in order to see if I am in any way fit to volunteer.

Monday, 7 May 2012

Indoors peoples' idea of fun is lots of silly senseless American television with no real meaning to it, they really need to be introduced to the thrill of bin raiding and scavanging.

I pruned the gigantic rose that clambers over the front of the house, it bit me a lot but I won.
Then it rained.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

:) welcome back to my returning blog readers! It has been quiet without you.

Yes I sleep almost indoors, not quite, and it is the limits of my tolerance, all this hot dry bright indoorsness, but I am trying. :) ;)

I have good kind friends. They are doing their best to help me with indoors things and 'normal life'.
We went out in the car to collect something, it was a number of miles away, it felt good to be on the move but it also felt sad, because I wished the journey was longer and and I wished I could be on the move again and I wished I could drive, and I had flashbacks, I always do in the car.
I wish someone could wave a magic wand and the hurt would go.
Good morning bloggypeeps,

Today is Sunday, sciving off church day.
My friends went out to their respective churches, and I stayed in because I am in a quiet mood where I can't do church.
I cleaned the kitchen, tidied the house, took the dog for a walk. The dog rolled in fox poo, so he is in the garden complaining miserably because I didn't let him in the house.

Saturday, 5 May 2012

what did happen the other week? well, I got stressed trying to prepare myself for a special event, my old friends couldn't get here and my newer friends didn't understand how important the event was, so I was deeply stressed and barely clean and neat enough and I felt sad because of my old friends not being there and silly because I was not really smart enough, it got too crowded and claustraphobic for me and I walked out of the event.
So, I ended up upset, so did my friends.
I had left all my things at their house and because I ran away they went home, I had no way of getting home or making contact as my phone and wallet was at their house. Someone kindly gave me the bus fare home.
We worked things out.

The next day I went to church with one of my friends while the other friend was working at the other church. It was ok, and then in the afternoon we went to the house of one set of their parents, about 35 miles away, it was nice, good food and lots of it, plenty of tea, then I went for a walk while they talked, I had a walk to a park nearby, there was a small ice rink and I had a stiff and painful skate, and felt very happy about that.
Then I went back, I ended up having a good chat with my friend's mum, who is a samaritan and it did me good to talk to her.
Then we went home.
For most of the week I stayed home in the morning while they were out at work, because they were waiting for a parcel to be delivered and I waited in to sign for it.
Then the dog belonging to the other parents came to stay, and I took to walking him, and realised how scared I am of open spaces and people on open spaces, and people in town, it is not madness, it is agorophobia.
After all these years of not understanding!

My friends want me to stay here for now, sometimes the horrors of what has happened makes me want to run away, but we take each day at a time.
Being here is dragging the bad memories and flashbacks out, but that may be a sign that my closed down system is waking up a bit.
I started studying again during last week, and enquired about an OU access course as well, but the OU are notoriously awkward to people with communication problems or who have unusual circumstances, and at the moment that is a stalemate.

Anyway, considering what has happened, and what my situation is, studying and all my other attempts to better myself make me feel useless and depressed, and make me want to give up, as well as causing flashbacks, I was trying so damn hard with my education when my life was taken off me.

Anyway, I have had a taste of living in a family home, lots of good food and tea, movies, talking, dog walking, this is a real family home, not the arrogant houses of the people who have damaged and abused me and left me on the streets destroyed.
But the one thing I cannot do without extreme discomfort, is sleep in a bed in a house, I still sleep on the floor of my friends' conservatory.
And even just being in the house and sleeping in the conservatory is on the very limit of my tolerance, and the bad memories and guilt and shame and depression and distress still overwhelm me, despite having been to confession and all the rest of it and supposedly being forgiven by God, being condemned by church leaders when you are vulnerable is an unhealable wound.

The weather has remained constantly wet, with strong winds sometimes, and the temperature has dropped sharply recently, at night I hear the rain drumming on the roof as I struggle to sleep.
I am not sleeping well indoors, and I dread bedtime and the dreams and depression, but I also know I would be in real difficulties if I was out in this weather with no proper shelter day and night for all this time, it has rained for a month or so now.
I wonder if they could drain off the groundwater that is everywhere and fill the reservoirs and end the droughts in parts of the country.
Here I am, I have skipped a few days again and not even made up for the gap the other week yet.

Well, I went to the daycentre on Thursday and got told of the new opening hours, something like three hours a day, oh well. Then I went to town as usual.

Nothing really happened on Thursday.

Friday - Yesterday, I woke up depressed and distressed, checked at the daycentre for post, went to a nurse appointment, she did my inhalers and referred me for a doctor's appointment next week.

I had a surprise when a homeless man who had been aggresive and rude to me for months came over and apologised and shook hands with me, and we sat and chatted and I was reminded how much I miss my role of listening to the other homeless people.

I slept better last night, it was 10am this morning when I was woken up with a cup of tea.
Today has been quiet, the dog has had three walks and a bath, I did one walk alone and one walk with my friend and he did the other walk, so the dog is well walked, the dog also got a bath because the last walk was long and muddy.
We made a cake, a chocolate fudge brownie cake, and we had roast dinner and watched movies, domestic bliss? home? hm.

Thursday, 3 May 2012

I wish I could get into writing the blog properly again.
I suppose I can try.
Yesterday in chavtown I was trying to get my work done in the library, but I was too distracted and I wandered in the direction of lunch, which is kept at the market.
I got a cuppa and went and sat on the back of a bench nearby, all of a sudden a tall dark handsome stranger pulled up on his pushbike and said hello, I didn't recognise him behind his dark glasses.
It was my friend M! He looked so clean and sober and alive, he sat and chatted to me in the cold wind and neither of us has enough layers on but we wanted to chat, and he told me about his life, he has a flat now, and he is off alcohol and is avoiding anything to do with alcohol. :)
We had a good natter and then he swept away on his bike, and I hopped down the hill to my friend's art gallery, she was out, harpman said she was at Tesco, so I started weeding the paving in front of the gallery, she was delighted when she got back, and she made me a cuppa.

When I had finished weeding and had several cuppas it was nearly time to go back to sattelite town.
It was a peaceful journey back.
Got back to sattelite town in the early evening and went to my friends' house, they had a houseful but that was ok, there was supper for me.

Unfortunately they had beens looking for advice on how to help me, which is never good, outsiders who don't know me are really no good at advising, and it unsettles me.

Anyway, eventually it was time to tuck down in the conservatory, it started raining heavily so I listened to the rain as I dozed.

I dreamed about one of my family dying and a funeral. Then I dreamed I was out on a boat on the sea, the boat gybed when it shouldn't have and it was in trouble, I asked if I had made it gybe by not doing the main sheet properly, but I was told it wasn't my fault, but my sister was on the boat and she was knocked unconscious somehow, and the boat was filling up with water, so it was really getting scary as I tried to revive my sister and Mike the skipper tried to right the boat.

I was glad to wake up.

Wednesday, 2 May 2012

I am not sure why the statistics go up sometimes.
Anyway, I am in chavtown, I arrived here on Monday for some gruelling physical therapy to help me walk.
And I have stayed here, the problem is that I have been in the bed and breakfast and that makes me physically ill and causes flashbacks.
I have seen all the usual people and some people who I dont remember, who greeted me as if they remembered me, :) how odd.

I am on my way back to sattelite town later.
I fell over earlier, I was wearing my backpack, and I looked like an upside down turtle. :)