This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Good morning peeps,

I am in McD's, drinking my tea and answering the usual emails asking where I am and if I am warm enough, haha! I was too warm again last night!

Yesterday Afternoon I went in the study room and got some writing done.
I wrote until closing time even though it is half term and there were children running about screaming and barging in to the study room.

Then I went and caught a train. I went to a nearby town which has memories for me, once all happy memories but now sad and hard memories of what happened. If I have a brief visit there I wont get distressed. I got there and got on the bus, up to the port, looked at the sea and kept my mind closed, kept my brain sedated, but I did suddenly wonder 'what if...?' and I don't know how but maybe one day...

Anyway, I came back put my thermals on in the station toilets and got a cuppa off the burger van, for once they didn't ask me any nosey questions or try to employ me, they were polite and nice. So I got my cuppa and headed for bed.

Bedded down and slept, dreamed of New York, dreamed I was there, fighting off an attacker, and then that I was going to hospital in New York.
Obviously my dreams are triggered by current events there.

I got up, it was raining and I was too hot, I stashed my things, came here and took my thermals and top layers off and here I am.
I tried to cut down on my tummy meds yesterday as the hospital said I could if I felt better, but sadly it isn't going to work, I can't drink hot drinks without pain if I only take half the dose.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Good morning peeps,

Last night I went for a walk before bed time, that is because it was too early to bed down, if you bed down too early in some places it can make you more likely to be found.

So I ambled around, and then went to settle down, but as it was it was too risky to bed down as there were people nearby at a function and some teenagers doing goodness knows what in the bushes.

Anyway, I went to bed down, the temperature was forecast between 6 and 7C, which is not warm enough to lie under the stars in just a sleeping bag but also not too cold for this time of year.
So I got my cardboard, put the little duvet on it as an underblanket, put the cushion on my backpack, and climbed into my sleeping bag with the wool blanket on top.
I was warm, and I drifted into sleep.

At 1am I woke, this is a bit of a habit, and I went to the loo, and tucked down again, surprisingly warm, and slept again.
I dreamed I was at mass, I dreamed that one of the people who had hurt me was actually taking mass and was jeering at me as I came up for bread and wine, and I answered back with 'a woman shouldn't be leading the service' and she was utterly silenced.
Then in the dream I was outside the church room, trying to hide my blankets and cardboard as the other members of the congregation went into the church room for coffee.

I woke up, I was very hot, It was 6.30am, I got up and started to pack my things away, my leg was really bad, I was having trouble putting weight on it, but I packed away neatly and headed for McD's for my breakfast, a bagel and some tea. 7am. I was overheating, which is funny because I have been getting messages asking how I am coping with the cold, well I am overdoing the keeping warm because of you lot of worriers! I was too hot last night! anyway I went to the loo and quickly took my thermals and coat off.
I read my book as I drank my tea, and got absorbed in it, so I used my stickers to get another tea, and stayed reading my book a while.
I had the beginnings of pain in my head and neck from overheating, and ideally I would take anti-inflammatories immediately with lots of water as it is inflammation that causes the pain, but I am not supposed to take ibruprophen, and I had no naproxen, so I took a co-codamol.

Once I left McDonalds it was time to start the dreaded shopping.
I went to Wilko because they were selling special bras, and I was hoping that the special bra's were as good as they sounded.
I have been wearing Primark £4 bra's for years, cheap and basic and functional, but the body part of the Primark bra's become rough and wear sores into my sides, the one I was wearing I had been wearing for months on end, as I didn't always have access to a Primark or the money to spare for a new bra, or it just got forgotten. But the sores under my arms had become permenant and will probably leave scars, so I decided it was time for something more comfy.
So I got a new bra at Wilkinson, funny place to buy a bra, in the hardware store, nice software Stephanie!
And I got some Ibruprophen, naughty naughty! and some lozenges, and then I went and had my wash and change. The new bra fitted very well and is indeed soft and comfy, what a relief, no seams, wide straps, no more sores.

Then I went hunting for other things I needed, such as fuel tablets, so far I have been unsuccessful, and I also got one or two other oddments.

The temperature last night was mild, today is warm with a bit of sunshine, tonight is due to be very mild.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Hi bloggys,
Not a lot to declare, I am sitting in McD's and it has been very noisy and disrupted in here, I am waiting for the toilet so I can have a wee and put my thermals on, but people keep wandering in off the street and spending ages in the loo.

I saw the nice old man from church earlier, he was happy as usual and was delighted to hear I was writing a book, he is a sweet old man. Sweet is a funny word but it suits him, he is angelic.

The library closed and I am just finishing my blog for today because I am going for a walk and having an early night when I have finished here.
Tonight will be cool and cloudy, not freezing and not mild, the wind will be low.

Good lunchtime bloggys,
excuse my absence but this is due to sunday being a church day and not an internet day.

On Saturday evening it stopped raining but the wind was strong and cold.
I sat on a bit of cardboard by my stove and tried to brew drinks, there was nowhere to shelter the stove, and the wind blew the stove fiercely and wore the fuel down too quickly.

Eventually it was time to settle down to sleep, it was cold but not too cold, I didn't sleep well, but it was the wind, not the cold that kept me awake again. And the drunken shouting didn't help.

I dozed off, and at 1.05am I was woken by the silence, the wind had dropped, the pub was closed and there was no noise, just cold dark silence.
I was puzzled because I thought the pub would be open until 2am.

Anyway, I snuggled back down and dozed off again, woke with the alarm at 5.30am, and dozed off again, now more warm and comfortable.
I got up at 7am on Sunday morning, or I thought it was 7am.
and I stashed my things and headed for McD's, where I sat with a hot cuppa and a bagel with philadelphia.
at 8am I went to the church, or I thought it was 8am, but I found that no one was there, and then I realised it was the last Sunday in October and the clocks must have changed.
I was amused at myself for forgetting, but actually I hadn't had any sort of reminder from anyone or anything and had been too caught up in my own struggle for life.

So I went back to McD's and used my stickers for another hot drink and have my wash in their loos until the real 8am came around, then I went to church for communion.

In church I was greeted by everyone, they all know my name but to my shame I don't know their names, I keep that a secret, but I am not here enough to learn names and my ability to recognise people is still really bad.
I recognise the old man who always makes me so welcome, and the vicar who also makes me so welcome.
The churchwarden makes me a cup of coffee and I sit and quickly drink some of that before the communion service begins.
Communion goes as normal, and afterwards, someone gets me another cup of coffee and some biscuits, the vicar says hello but she is too busy to stop and chat.

I go for a walk and eventually I go to the other church where I have another cuppa while I wait for the service to begin.
I am very short of breath today and my leg aches, it is hard to stand and sing, I am not the only one feeling tired, the little girl who usually runs and plays during the service is staying in her daddy's arms, quiet and tired, her mummy is very ill and the doctors don't know why, so we pray for them.

Afterwards there is more tea, and the minister apologetically tells me I can't go home with them today because his wife is tired and recovering from a heavy cold. I tell him I don't mind but he seems to think it matters.

I go out and walk back to the town centre and try to work out what to do for the rest of the day.
I get a sausage roll from the bakery for my lunch, and I go to the charity shops to find a book. I find one of my old favourites for a cheap price and I go to where the other homeless used to camp, my intention is to settle down there and read, but I am too cold there, too unsettled.
So I go down to near where I sleep and brew, luckily no one is there today, and I get some of my cardboard and sit down, wrap myself in hats and scarves and gloves and light the stove, brewing endless hot drinks as I read my book.
I sit and read for a few hours and then I go to McD's for a cheeseburger for my tea.
Then it is almost time for evening church, I walk round the lanes and wonder again what it is like to be a lifelong settled housedweller.
and then people start arriving at church and I go in for a cuppa. The evening service is good, and afterwards I ask the pastor if there is any way he can bring my little duvet and cushion from my stash of things in his garage at some point? Because my backpack is an uncomfortable pillow and I need the extra bedding.
The minister surprises me by asking if I want to come home, I say what about his wife if she is not feeling too good, but he says it is ok, he says it is cold outside and raining and everyone can see that I am limping and in pain.
I am still a bit worried because his wife is tired but they assure me it is ok.
So we go home and watch television and I feel like crying, I think about my dad and I realise that both his Birthday and the anniversary of his death have been this week, they are within three days of each other, and this is the first time I have missed his anniversaries, but I have been busy trying to survive, and he has been in my thoughts and felt close in the past week. God bless you Dad, rest in peace.

We have some supper and a cup of tea, and then I go and lie down on the conservatory floor with my duvet and cushion and fall asleep. I sleep soundly and wake when it is getting light, I am unsure of the time because the clocks have changed so I don't know what time it gets light.
I lie there and doze, and eventually scramble off the floor and go to the loo, soon it is breakfast time, it is raining outside and the freezing temperature has gone back to mild.

I like breakfast here, I have weetybix and toast and a mug of tea, and then I have a wash, I hate to ask for a shower when I stay anywhere, so if I am not offered a shower or bath I just have a wash.

Then it is time to go, they have made me some sandwiches and the minister is going to drop me off in town, we end up talking about a current issue in the news and kind of about how I know how some people in power can be invincible and destroy anyone who stands up to them.
The minister drops me off by the library and says that if I ever need picking up from anywhere within a hundred miles then I should call them. I thank him and hobble off to the library.

I decide not to go straight into the library, I walk down the town and buzz on a doorbell, the secretary lady answers and lets me in, they have a courtesy shower here that they let me use, so I have a quick shower and a mug of tea and a chat to the lady, and then I go over to the church and sit and meditate for a few minutes.

Then I get a takeaway cuppa and sit in the library eating my lunch and waiting for my study room booking to start - 1pm-7pm, and here I am in the study room.
It was just raining hard, it is always good to sit and watch the rain.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Good evening bloggys,
When the library closed I was at a bit of a loose end, I don't like to be walking about with the backpack or sitting anywhere because I get too stressed by people.
So I got the bus, I sometimes get this bus, down to the sea, this bus goes round the residential estates and that always makes me dream, wonder, what would it be like to be a person who lived in one of those cosy lighted up houses and not know anything else?
I get off at the sea, but it always hurts me, because I used to be out on the sea, and now it has been taken away from me, along with everything else.

I get back on the bus and dream my way back here. The sky starts out with a rainbow and a yellow sunset with blue winter storm clouds, then it goes orange and lilac and purple and yellow, it is an awesome sky.
I kind of know that I am home even though the bad memories are hurting me, there is some comfort among the misery.

There is no rain or snow forecast but wet stuff is falling from the sky, well that ruins my evening by the stove.

I went to get lunch and ended up in church having a cuppa and a natter with some familiar faces.
it is autumn and the leaves are busily flying about, and the library has a lot of leaves coming in downstairs, and they aren't book leaves.

I have taken my shoes off to give my feet a break while I do some writing for another 2.5 hours.

Good morning peeps,
It is a beautiful cold clear morning out there, with a strong wind, lovely, I want to stay out and play, but we can't always do what we want, I have to repair my damaged book, re-structure and start writing again.

I have had my wash, a nice lazy wash, and I cut and scrubbed my fingernails, because I hate dirty fingernails, and sleeping in the arches always made them dirty.

Here I am in a study room with books and computer, and I hope to be here on and off until about 4pm, after which I will go out and play.
With the damn backpack on my back.
Well it is a bit lighter now, but still a burden.

Good morning peeps,

Well I was wrapped up against the cold, that wasn't the problem, I was warm enough, it was the wind that was the problem.

Last night I went looking for cardboard, I could only find big cardboard, so I cut it down to a decent size. Then I set up my stove near where I was going to sleep.
The stove was a bit of a disaster as the wind was blowing so hard and I couldn't shelter it, and I was used to my small saucepan so the mess tin was much bigger and took longer to heat, especially as I overfilled it.
So eventually I got a warm cup of tea, at least it was good tea because the nice girl gave me a box of 80 Yorkshire teabags.
Oh I used to buy Yorkshire when I could afford it, yes I did.

Anyway, bedding down here is always a bit scary at the weekend because there are loads of people over the wall by the pub and their heads just reach the top of the wall, tonight there was a guy taller than the wall and I was afraid of being seen, but I headed into my porch and once I am there I am behind the hedge a bit.

So I bedded down, all wrapped up warm and in my balaclava. I was warm enough but the wind howled and roared and I only slept lightly and I did wake up snoring and wondering if the pub people could hear me, I couldn't find my anti-snore meds.

The reason I don't overwinter here is the ferocious wind coming off the sea, and the wind blew all night and kept me awake with it's roaring so I only slept lightly, dozed, had the terrors and distresses, and was more comfortable in the last few hours, the zip on the sleeping bag is no good so it kept unzipping, but the wool blanket is excellent and so is the balaclava.

Here I am in McD's, tea and a bagel with philadelphia.
because I got 'borrowed' last time I was here, I didn't get time to waterproof my stash here and though it is all safely there, a lot of it is no good so I have already sorted through half of it and thrown it away, including a sleeping bag :( this is the problem when well meaning house dwellers try to take me off the streets for a few nights, my well-oiled secret little life suffers and I cannot explain to them.

I have permission to stash and use the tap there and sometimes I wonder if they actually know I kip down there as well.

Friday, 26 October 2012

Bad news bloggys,
this little netbook is dying and I can't afford to have it even looked at, it will probably be irreperable anyway, it has got more and more faulty recently and I have had computers go like this before, the outdoor weather in a backpack with all kinds of things usually kills the computer in the end, this will be a setback for my writing and my blog and there is nothing I can do, I cannot repair or replace it.

I have just been to the supermarket and got sugar and milk and hot choc sachets, I have my big box of teabag already, and I have all the kit to brew lots of hot drinks.
I also changed into my thermals in the supermarket toilets, it will be the coldest night so far tonight so I am all prepared.

Good evening bloggypeeps,
I am in a quiet study room in a quiet library, listening to youtube quietly and reading.
I need to get things in order so that I start writing again soon, but it is good to relax a bit.

This morning after I briefly updated you, I went to the station and got my tickets, then I did a final bin raid and went to get my sleeping bag, my sleeping bag was in a black plastic bag under the arches, it was a bit smelly but dry enough to carry, the lovely blanket was too wet and manky so I left it behind.

I was nearly run down by an idiot speeding accross the roundabout but I got back to the station in time for a nice cup of tea and a read of the metro.

The train was packed, as the ones run by this operator always are, this is the same operator who's packed trains I have previously described a few times.
But I was actually incredibly lucky because I got a corridor seat with some people who helped keep my agorophobia completely at bay!

I managed to scramble to this corridor seat and was with a mum and a young boy who had seats and a group of absolutely fascinating teenage/early twenties girls who were not used to train journeys.
These girls kept up a steady stream of funny banter while me and the woman grinned at each other when they said anything particularly funny.
I didn't feel frightened or threatened by these girls as I do when men get too close to me on the train. And at each stop, these girls, who were blocking some train doors as there was nowhere else to go, would open the doors and tell the people outside 'no room at the inn!' and close the doors and have hysterics, thus I felt safe, I am nervous of people getting on the train and crowding me, but among all these safe people there was no room for any more people to join us and yet I still had a seat and enough space for me.

So this went on until the girls and woman with boy got off at a stop 20 minutes before my stop, and then I stood in the corridor further up until I reached my stop.

On arrival, lunch was priority as it was now nearly 2pm, and so I got lunch and 3 cups of tea from the burger van on the market, went shopping and got a double wool blanket at a bargain price because it has a small hole, got my foam pads and wet wipes from poundland, came to the library where I have spent the rest of the afternoon reading and on the internet and also emailed someon to let them know I am here and so here I am, settled in the library until 7pm and then it will be dark enough to set up camp.

I went out a minute ago to get a cuppa and use the loo, it is cold out there, it is about to be the first night of winter, and I will let you know if I have prepared myself well enough for it in tomorrows update.

my legs and feet hurt, I cannot fit my orthotics into the new boots, this always happens, I need to wear the boots in a bit, by whicch time they will be wearing unevenly because of my walking problems, I am wearing an ankle brace and I need to put the new foam pads in, apart from that I am fine, I have pain from this gallbladder which needs to be removed, but never mind.

Good morning peeps,
well soon after 3am I slept again, my dreams were sad and disturbing but I slept until 8.55am! which is stupid and not according to plan, I had already had most of my night's sleep by the time I woke in the middle of the night, but obviously my body has other idea.
Basically despite being awake for e few hours in the night I have had rather a lot of sleep, even though I wasn't sleep-deprived, and I have been too hot and in distress, which is what indoors does to me, especially hot indoors.

anyway, I got up and went to get breakfast, which is included in the room price, the breakfast room was full of schoolboys, obviously on some sort of sports camp, they were there yesterday as I was trying to get my laundry done, blocking the way and making me think I would trip over them and lose my washing liquid.

I managed to get tea and toast and juice, and then I went to have a shower before checking out.
last night while I was awake I managed to sort my backpack out a bit to make it lighter, but it is a ruined backpack and I do need a new one.

Morning peeps,
It is nearly 1am in the morning, I woke up with severe distress after falling alseep at about 5.30pm this evening, well this has messed up my sleep pattern.

This morning the time passed and it got to post office time, the post office was quiet and I got my money straight away.
I went and put my backpack in storage, which was such a relief, and then I went and had breakfast, a bacon roll and a cup of tea.
Then it was time to go shopping.

Normally I go to poundland for my medical things and essentials, but in this expensive tourist town there is no poundland.

So I went to the chemist, I got some salt scrub because I have dirt ingrained in my arms and neck and places from sleeping under the arches where it is dirty and my wet wipe washes don't clear the dirt off my skin.
I also got razors, and some nice body wash.

Then I went to the outdoor shops, I need so many things, I got some 'foot-warmers' as they had no hand warmers, and a new sheewee at a bargain price as I left the old one behind and they are very hygeinic and make me less vulnerable and less noticable, I also got a proper balaclava, which are ideal for night time, and some new mess tins due to the demise of my saucepan, and some fuel tablets.
I also needed boots and a backpack, but I am always unsure of buying these and they take such a chunk of my money.

Then I went to the backpack hostel and booked a room, I need to remove the dirt from me and my clothes and this place has showers and a laundry.
I had to wait to check in at midday, so I went for a walk around, and then back to check in, and then I had my shower, then I got laundry tokens and washing liquid.
Clean and smelling nice, I sat and watched my laundry wash and read my book, I know that it you don’t watch your laundry then somebody might pinch your smalls.
But a few minutes before my washing finished and was ready for the only tumble dryer in the room, some guy came in and put his wet overalls in the tumble drier, which was annoying.
So I had to wait for 40 minutes for the dryer, which was annoying, because I was only wearing my charity tee-shirt and couldn’t really go out.
So I came back to my room and set the laptop up, and found to my horror that the USB drive that I stored my book on had been wiped and I had lost the book! Well I had lost more than half of it anyway, there was some of it stored on the laptop.
I was absolutely horrified and very distressed, what has happened in my life to leave me homeless is hurting me so much and I was getting towards explaining about it, and now it is like going a long way backwards and having to explain all over again, I am in so much distress anyway that I need to get this written so that I can be understood.
Anyway, I got my washing dried and actually felt quite proud, it has been a long time since I used a laundry, and I am pleased to have clean clothes and things. I washed my hats, scarves and gloves, thermals, travel towel and pouch, socks and knickers, police jumper, coat, long sleeved top, teeshirt, leg brace and bandage. I couldn’t wash my jeans as I only have the one pair and I couldn’t take them off. ( the other pair was worn out).
Then I went to the outdoors shop again and got boots, I couldn’t see a backpack that would suit me and within my budget, I have spent too much money already today, anyway, I realised that I had forgotten to have lunch in all the busyness of the day, which is funny because I have been so hungry recently and so I went and got a small pizza as a combination of lunch and supper, and then I went back to my room.
I have been sleeping 10 hour nights and so I didn’t think I would be tired, but I lay down on the bed and I was asleep, I woke just after midnight, having slept from about 5.30, and I woke in terrible distress and despair and much too hot despite the window being open, this place is stifling hot, went downstairs to log onto the wifi and started to type the blog but my full battery ran out before I could get very far, there are two sockets down there but one man was hogging both, and I didn’t have the guts to go and ask him if I could use one.
I went to stand outside, it was funny standing there in the early hours, I live outdoors at night but you would never find me just standing there in the middle of the night, normally I am only up to go to the loo at this time of night.
I am back in my room, it is nearly 3am and I am scared to lie down in case the distress gets me again.
I have been sorting out my backpack ready for tomorrow, the backpack was unacceptably heavy and I have done my best to make it lighter, I hope it works.
It is not a great idea to be up at this time despite having had almost 7 hours of sleep, it will throw my body clock and brain out of sync, whatever that means, it is hot in here, too hot for me and I feel headachy and generally not quite right.
Oh I thought getting my money was going to make things a bit better, I am tense and unhappy, indoors in the hotness makes me worse. The wind is blowing outside and the temperature is higher than they thought and it is raining lightly. I would have slept well in the arches if the wind wasn’t blowing in.
It’s really funny, the arches is cold and damp, dirty and smelly, but I have got used to it and have learned to sleep 10 hours a night there, sometimes with a break in the middle of the night, but I got used to it, the slope alongside the damp wall in the shadows where I sleep, cardboard, sleeping bag, blanket, backpack with clothes on as a pillow, it makes a comfy enough bed when you are used to it, and it is sheltered enough from the weather. The dirt and dust aren’t brilliant for my system or skin really though.
I have been walking round the hostel without my boots on, I started off by hobbling painfully because I have had my boots on for weeks, but now I am hobbling normally.
Sometimes I forget in day to day life that I need to do things like taking my boots off and moisturising my poor old skin and things like that, when you are hungry and simply surviving and hunting for stickers and food, you neglect other things.

Thursday, 25 October 2012

Good morning bloggys,

Well I have made it safely to today, and today there is money for laundry and shower and food and storage for the bag and food. In about an hour or 90 minutes.

Last night I stayed in the library and managed to get some of the book written, then I went to soup kitchen, it was a misty and warm night.
Soup kitchen was good, I had soup and dipped my cheese sandwiches in it, I had plenty of coffee and a bit of cake.
Then the thing I had been looking forward to, the minister with the white baseball cap came to see who would like to come to the church service for homeless and vulnerable people. He and his wife are lovely people and I enjoy the service, I sit with another homeless woman who is a nice old lady.
So I happily head for the service and the minister's wife makes me a cup of tea, we start the service and one homeless guy repents and turns to God, and we have some lively and nice praise hymns, but then it is all ruined, a drunk woman comes in and starts insulting everyone and shouting about how she is homeless and what do we Christians care? It doesn't seem to matter to her that half of us are homeless and have come to worship.

I am really pleased though when two of the homeless men stand up and talk about how safe and content they feel in their sleeping places with God looking after them and how they don't need many possessions, and I agree with enthusiasm.
But this drunk woman gets worse and starts calling the men names and swearing and saying Christians are psychotic. This lot of Christians are far from psychotic, they are some of the most down-to-earth and grateful people around, mainly men but there is me and the other homeless woman and the minister's wife and another teacher. But this woman keeps calling the men names, she smells of meths and she is really horrible and when she starts calling them peadophiles the minister asks her to leave and walks her to the door.

Then more people come in and I am feeling crowded and unsettled and I decide to leave, it is a pity because I love this service and these people, I have been here before when I was in this town before, and I still belong here.
The minister comes out with me, and he thinks I am upset that he threw the woman out but I tell him I totally agree with that decision, and I am just too crowded and stressed, he prays for me and I head back down to the soup kitchen corner where Santa and some of the others are still nattering away long after soup kitchen has finished, and some of them have rebuilt the fire, so I stop for a natter.

I walk back into town with Santa and ask about his reindeer and he laughs. We part company and I go and sit in the bus station, then I head for bed.
I bed down, and sleep, and am woken at the usual 1am by drunk people shouting and the damn midnight freight train hurtling overhead, I love trains but not when they run over me.

I get the terrors and distresses, night time flashbacks, which are the hardest to control, but I fight them back into the back of my memory and sleep again.
I wake lazily at nearly 7am and sort out my things because that was the last night, this is the last day.
And then I cross the road, take my hat off and brush my hair, which has become a routine.

Then into town, and almost straight away I gather enough stickers, I go into McD's and use their loo and get my cuppa, which they make with real milk because they have run out of the awful stuff.
So I have sat here and read the metro and done my typing in comfort. What a good start to the day.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

I thought I might tell you about some of the places where I have slept as a rough sleeper:
  • cars
  • churches
  • church porches
  • church rooms
  • church yards
  • a boat
  • behind some recycling skips
  • in a St.John Ambulace building porch
  • many and varied porches
  • a rat alley
  • several sheds
  • between a shed and a hedge
  • in some toilets
  • in the railway arches
  • in various bushes and hedges
  • on a railway station
  • in a coach station
  • in a bus station
  • on a church path
  • in the corner of a recreation ground
  • in a drain
  • in a condemned bin shed
  • on a stone slab in a church garden
  • In the corner of a field
  • In a corner between two walls
and of course a few nights here and there in people's conservatories or homes or sheds, and a few nights in night shelters.
I did it, I managed to get six stickers for a cuppa, yay.
I had a nice cuppa and then went back to church to pray.

I hope that when I get my money I will be able to keep my food intake levels low, not starvation low but just losing weight and being as healthy as possible low to encourage my legs and my blood pressure to be better. Fear of starving and a bad diet on the streets and asthma steroids and lack of mobility has ensured that I gained too much weight.
I am beginning to shrink.

There is mist rolling around. It is going to remain mild and foggy and drizzly.
It is less than 5 hours until soup kitchen. My final soup kitchen and the end of the thin time as long as my money is in tomorrow morning.

Good morning bloggypeeps,
It is a drizzly foggy morning,
I slept through last night apart from about 1am when there was a drunk man rolling about and shouting nearby, he didn't come and disturb me, I am fairly well hidden between the storm debris and the shrubs and in the shadows, but then there were a lot of drunk people heading back from the pub.
Then I slept again.
I woke up at 7am and was up by 7.15.
some idiot was just begging change off me. Ha.

Last night at soup kitchen there were some drunks being insulting but I have short and effective answers to self indulgent idiots who want to insult me.
Santa was there with a few other bearded men, there is a kind of Santa club going, and I wonder if they are feeding the reindeer and preparing the presents.
There were a few nice people there, the homeless woman with the dog and her friends, but the couple from the coach park have sensibly moved out of town for a while.

Roll on tomorrow! I have to get through today and that will be it.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Good evening bloggys,
I put my thermal top on and headed for soup kitchen,
as usual at the moment, soup kitchen was in demand,
but I managed to get coffee, some soup that was just too spicy to eat much of, a sandwich that I had to fight for, and a few odds and ends for tomorrow - half of my sandwich, some crisps, a penguin bar, two bananas. It will go a bit of the way towards stopping me starving, I cannot raid the bins as the stock workers are there, and I have three stickers that I may be able to make up to six again tomorrow if I work hard.

It is a foggy drizzly night, very nice.
The couple who befriended me got their money today, so they don't need to rely on soup kitchen at the moment, so they have taken their tent to camp somewhere quiet and smoke something relaxing.
I wont see them again this time as I will also be heading away in a few days.

I jsut had an email from the charity that I did some work with, they said one of my fellow volunteers has just arranged a part time job for me if I want it, it is very kind and I do want the job, but unfortunately I am not fit for it.
It is a job as a receptionist in a pizza outlet, probably in London, and I don't really want to live in London, especially not as a rough sleeper, and I wouldn't be able to afford a place to live in London on a pizza job.
But I wouldn't be able to work in that environment, ie standing a lot, answering phones, dealing with the general public, etc, nor as a homeless person would I be able to scrub up well enough.
I have worked for pizza shops as a deliverydriver, so I do know what it is like behind the scenes, trying to do that job on a weekend night would kill me. But the thought is so kind and it is a real pity, because I am so tempted by the offer of work, so tempted, but realistically it will not work and will not solve anything, it would only increase my stress levels if I even tried it.

3pm, after a mornign feeling dizzy and sleepy despite a good night's sleep, I had some success in bin raids, I managed to find stickers, one of the stickers was connected to a cup which was nearly full of warm tea, so I took the sticker and the tea, the tea had no sugar in and was very bitter, as McD's tea sometimes is, but warm tea is better than nothing, and then I had more luck, a part eaten and still wrapped coffee and walnut cake in a carrier bag in a bin, I broke off the bit that had been eaten up to and took the untouched chunk and ate that. I managed to get enough stickers for tea and am now sitting in McD's with a hot sweet cuppa.

I had an interesting experience as I walked to church to pray before starting my bin rounds, an older lady shouted me over, and said to the woman who was polishing the door that she was going to church, this old lady smiled and linked her arm with mine and said 'lets go to church', and because of my difficulty recognizing faces and learning who people are, I presumed she was a church person who recognized me or a soup kitchen or outreach worker, as we walked she told me she was drunk on sherry and that she was a former actress in Les Miserables. she asked where I lived and I said I was homeless, she was shocked despite her state. She wasn't someone who knew me, she was a delightful eccentric who obviously picked random people up and befriended them.

Well, I don't mind helping elderly ladies to church but I feel a bit vulnerable helping someone so vulnerable.
Her son caught up with us as we got in the church door, he seemed unsurprised that she had borrowed me as an arm to lean on she told him I was homeless and that they should help me (I do not accept any sort of help or money off people when they are drunk or not in a normal state of mind), her son was shocked that I was homeless but anyway he went to pray but she became more interested in the builders working on the church and ended up chatting them up and telling them of her acting career, I think the poor old builder was actually pleased to have some female attention as he was a lonely single, but this lady was older than him and was quite flirty with him.

anyway, I had a pray and slipped out as the son prayed and the lady continued to chat with the builder and I think they both needed a good chat and some company, so I think that worked out ok.
The son seemed very quiet and subdued, maybe his mother wears him out a bit with her habit of borrowing random people.
Hi Peeps,
As you know I am going through one of the worst thin times I have ever been through, this is because I came to this town from London when it was raining and there was no shelter in London.
Unfortunately this town has stretched and scarce homeless feeding points, some of which cost money, which defeats the object. and the daycentre here is closed due to moving and being refurbished.
Soup kitchen is an absolute lifeline but is so busy now that you are lucky to get a sandwich, last night's soup kitchen was better and provided me with a few extra sandwiches to take away.
I have now eaten these and am still hungry, and there yet again has been no hot drinks today.

My parents started feeding me tea in a baby bottle when I was a baby, as they did with all my siblings, and created tea addiction in all of us.
And until this week I have always got through a lot of tea in a day, up to ten cups, big hot strong cups of tea. Now there is no tea and I am suffering caffiene withdrawal, which is a horrible thing, these are the symptoms: headache, blurred vision, confusion, feeling cold, lethargy, aches, sleepiness, depression and irritablity -yes I am worse than usual, lack of concentration.
Basically life is hell. I am sleeping for up to 10 hours, which is good, but I am not feeling the benefit of it because of hunger and caffiene withdrawal symptoms.

Good morning bloggys,

I went to my sleeping place last night and slept, I have only just got up, I have left my police jumper there, which seems foolish and risky, and am wearing the duvet-like coat, because it is clean and cuddly and I was reluctant to leave it.
I am too warm really.

It is another drizzly misty day. mild and foggy is the forecast, and while I am hungry it helps that it is mild, cold weather makes hunger worse.

Monday, 22 October 2012

Hi peeps,

I am in the bus station, it is drizzling, and mist keeps stealing over the town, I am not sure what it is stealing but stealing is wrong.

I went to soup kitchen, some of the guys had built a fire in the soup kitchen area, the fire was warm and smelled nice, but when 'Daddy' got there he told them off and said that soup kitchen was in enough danger of losing the place and that they should put the fire out, again he was dominant and the fire-starter headed off over the car park, hurling abuse over his shoulder and didn't come back.

Soup kitchen was good, I was worried at first because all I could sea was soup and broken up bread, I knew the bread wouldn't last long as there was quite a crowd of people.
But thankfully there were sandwiches and cakes as well, and tea, I had a big cheese sandwich, and three cups of tea and a few cakes and a coffee, and they gave me some sandwiches to take away as well when they heard how hungry I was, they also gave me a big bottle of good clean water.
and they were handing out warm hats, scarves, gloves and socks, I got some sock, and then they came and brought me a good quality soft coat, a brand name and one that feels all duvet-like, ooh soft and cuddly, I will add it to my bedding pile :) haha. I was already wearing my thermal vest, and the night is mild and the fire was warm so I got rather warm when I put the new coat on.

After soup kitchen I sat with Santa and another guy and we talked about winters and towns and hitch hiking, and Santa gave me two food vouchers, 50p each, which can be used for a cheap meal maybe on wednesday or Friay if I am here still or Sunday or next time I am in town.

Earlier the couple who befriended me were at the lunch, they had a booklet of homeless services for me, and I sat with them and some of the other camp-mates such as Daddy and Scotty2 and his girlfriend, they totally understood why I left the camp, and they told me I missed a big fight last night, I am glad I missed it, I was sleeping sweetly and deeply.

Sorry I have been a bit ratty sometimes, I have truly been struggling, when you are hungry then it is all you can think about, and I have to be careful with my blood sugar levels, I am not diabetic but I have a genetic tendency to low blood sugar and I start struggling and am very irritable and dizzy if I don't eat three times a day. also I have never been without tea so much in my life, and that is bound to upset the system.
I have also been getting the tremors in my right arm and hand again, maybe because of all the stress.
I also do have an impressive bump on my head, high quality stuff.

I have just been to the supermarket bins to see if there was anything like an apple to go with my sandwiches tomorrow, but the night time stock assistants were out there working so I couldn't get anything.

This link above is American and doesn't quite answer the familiar grating whine that I hear every day and especially from narrow old church people 'oh can't you just go into a shelter?', but t does help towards answering it.
You have to keep scrolling down even when it looks like you have got to the end of the page.
I managed to find a bottle for water, so I stayed hydrated, I think my main problems are that carrying the backpack is killing me and I am not getting enough to eat.

I went to the homeless lunch, it was a basic lunch with bacon and egg and toast and tea, and then I was supposed to go to the outreach centre which is still closed but I was going to meet the manager there to find a clean jumper and a train ticket to the next town tomorrow.

I waited there for the manager, sitting on the only seat available, and got more and more annoyed as one rude man after another barged into the area by the outreach centre despite the fact it is closed to the public, and all got too close and stood too close. I am afraid of people standing over me when I am sitting, and especially rude men who shouldn't be there.
Eventually the manager came but I didn't get to see her because a huge fat rude bloke barged in and demanded food vouchers, I was fed up by then and left.
Apparently the weather is about to get very cold in the next week, damn. :)

Waiting for the library to open was a triel, the church didn't open and it was raining and there was nowhere to go, the bus station was crowded.
So I had my wash and drank half a reservoir through the taps in the washroom.
Then i sat and read my book in a covered mall for a while, then I read the metro in a bus stop and jumped when Santa shouted hello to me.

Then it was library time, phew, you have to book to use library computers here, and they booked me a computer and it was so unfair that that wretched control freak homeless man got the computer next to me when there was a whole empty room full of computers, he stank to high heaven so I requested to be moved.

Last night one of the homeless men from the shelter was out with a group of them and he came and shook hands with me and asked how I was getting on, I said I was ok, and he said that if I had any problem I should come and find him at the shelter.

Good mornking peeps,

It is raining lightly, it keeps raining lightly when they suggest fog.
I got an apple out of the bin last night for breakfast today, and then I tucked down and slept in my sleeping place, which isn't too bad really.
I slept soundly, woke once or twice and turned over, woke when my alarm went off and dozed around until 6.50am, then got up, stashed the bedding, and had a pee, then I went looking for stickers and found one.

I am at the bus station, someone had left 20p in the vending machine, so I used that and my little bit of money to get some biscuits for breakfast.

I think I have a bruise on my forehead where I bumped it yesterday, that will give me street cred :)

Sunday, 21 October 2012

I managed a thorough wash in the disableds without obstructing anyone, I even managed to wash my hair a bit and scrub my neck and nails, I hate having dirty neck and nails and greasy hair.
I sat in McD's for a few hours and drank tea and struggled to get the internet to work.
Then I had the choice of soup kitchen, which I really should have gone to, and church.

I went to church, in a way it was a mistake.
This was a different church from this morning, and they were all old but very mixed, some refused to accept I was homeless and decided to firmly believe that I was on holiday, some were nice and friendly and didn't get involved, but one was an absolute nightmare, the kind that decide that the homeless are a problem that they don't accept exist, and she decided I was 'to go somewhere' and that I was to be solved and not live my life and that I was the problem and wasn't interested in the circumstances or anything anyone tried to explain to her.
Narrow old ladies who gloss over and talk over are a problem I can do without, and every time I tried to talk to anyone else she would come along and butt in, poor narrow old lady.

Anyway, the other people were encouraging and trying to get me to come back, but the old lady wouldn't leave them to talk to me, I dont want to go back.

I went up the road and quickly fished a chicken leg out of a bin before the staff still at the supermarket saw me, and then I waited and went back and got another chicken leg and a bread roll out of the bin.
I have no idea what I can have for breakfast, but at least I have lunch arranged tomorrow.

I went looking for my lunch, I found a sausage roll, which was sufficient, I don't feel too hungry most of the time but lack of food and hot drinks does make me feel weak.
I also got a cuppa at McD's and found an extra sticker in the bin, this means I have enough stickers for a cuppa later. And I have 51 pence in cash.

Trying to get a wash has been hard today, I am real stinky homeless, I never had a wash this morning and I have only got as far as putting some deodorant on now because the toilets have been too busy with Sunday shoppers and tourists.

The library closes at 4pm and then I will somehow wash and I will sit in McD's with my cuppa and my laptop later, I hope also to get an early night and get to sleep just after soup kitchen because lack of sleep is harmful to a homeless person more than to a house dweller.

The weather has been a great help to me, mild and cloudy with little or no rain, and tonight is forecast to be like that with temperatures staying up to 10 or 11 degrees all night. It helps ensure I am warm enough so I sleep better.

You know what I was saying about not wanting to see my sleeping place in daylight? well because of a disturbed night I woke at 8.15 and it was light, right near me on the ground was a needle exchange kit.
haha, lucky indeed that there were no needles lying about, and some of the smell there is probably dried blood.
I was trying to decide on churches this morning, the two I was trying to choose between both had 10.30 services. So I was waiting, and checking the bins at McD's all the time, but no more stickers.
I noticed that one of the two churches, the one that has given me water, was open at 9.30 for pre-church cafe, I wandered in and one of the welcomers was a lady who works at the outreach, she welcomed me happily and asked if I was coming in, so that was the decision made for me.
The cafe actually is like a normal cafe and so they charge for pre-church tea,but the ladies gave me a voucher for a free cuppa and I was deeply grateful.

I sat and drank tea and people came and said hello.
The annoying thing was that there was this patronizing homeless man and he kept coming up to me and saying 'oh are you here for help?' and 'I would give you money myself if I had it'. In the end I bawled him out and asked how he would like it if he came to worship and was patronized like that.
and I spoke to the stewards about him as well, he reminds me of a certain homeless man in another town who used to prowl the churches and prey on vulnerable females, and my old counsellor said that I have good instincts and if someone reminds me of someone I should trust my instincts.

Anyway, the service was fine, and someone gave me £2 so I could go to the homeless lunch, and during the service when I came out for a break from the crowded service, someone made me a cup of tea.
High Quality Stuff, and it got better.

The church had a special 'visitors lounge' for people who were new or visiting, and so I parked myself in there among the tea and coffee and biscuits.
The nice young girl who works on the reception desk came to chat and a nice man came to chat, I was one of the only new/visitors and so they made a fuss of me.
The man gave me some sketchy directions to the homeless meal, and then the head of the outreach centre happened to be there, she is also part of this church, so she sat down with me and said hello, and I told her I was missing the outreach centre and she was delighted and sad to hear that and asked me if there was anything they could do to help me.

In the end she has offered to get me a day ticket to the next town on Tuesday so that I can get a shower at the daycentre there and let the poor long-suffering staff know that I am ok as I moved on without any warning to them last time, she also offered to take me to look through the clothing store as my top layers are filthy, and she said if I see a pair of jeans my size in the charity shops then she will pay for them, she also offered to buy my lunch tomorrow and wednesday at the homeless lunch, because in this town the homeless meals cost you a small fee or some tokens, and I have no tokens.

So I was a happy bunny as I set off for the homeless lunch, but sadly the sketchy directions didn't get me to anywhere, no homeless lunch, no sign of one.
This means I have the money to buy myself some food anyway with the money I was given to take to the lunch.
Hi Bloggypeepes,

I fell asleep in the library while reading a book, obviously I am still not getting enough sleep.

I went to mass when the library closed, vigil mass, which is usually my favourite, but I was uncomfortable, I didn't feel that it was the right church for me, and apparently the new priest doesn't like the church helping the homeless :(

After mass I went to soup kitchen, as usual I was impressed by the lack of pushing and shoving, and I got a cheese sandwich and a soup and a few cups of coffee and some biscuits, the soup run is very busy and they are only just managing to feed us all, I think this is because the outreach is closed.

after that I walked up with the guys that sleep or hang out by the coach park.
Then I went to find cardboard and couldn't find any, then Scotty2 came back with huge piles of cardboard and gave me some of that.
Scotty2's girlfriend was sleeping out with him and so they bedded down by 9pm, and the other woman went to bed down and it was all pretty quiet and the guys were having an intelligent conversation and Santa was doing the crossword, so I red my book and bedded down, but then a load of drunk or drugged guys turned up and basically there was no peace, by 3.30am I was fed up, because I need sleep, so I got up and went back to the arches to bed down.

I bedded down comfortably and then a guy came crashing in to my arch, I jumped up, and he obviously couldn't see that I was female, he just said 'sorry mate, I'm desparate for a piss' and he had a pee against the wall and staggered back out, he was very drunk and I was surprised he didn't fall over on the muddy bank as he staggered up there, vaulted the fence and went to catch up with his friends.
I slept on the damp ground on my cardboard, and woke late, at 8.15am, too late for 8am communion or mass if I had wanted to go.

It had been a mild night and is a mild morning, slightly misty.
I have just borrowed the toilet at McD's and am sitting in the bus station, I have four stickers and I can't get a cuppa, I have a long wait until church at 10.30.
I hope the couple at the coach park aren't too annoyed at me for moving out, but basically camps and homeless groups aren't really for me, I need a lot of solitude and a lot of sleep, and all night parties don't suit me, I slept well alone in my arch, and don't worry, drunk people coming in to pee would be rare as it is so inaccessible and because the house dwelling young people wouldn't usually dare, nor would they usually wake me, nor would they know I was a woman, that guy thought I was a bloke, and he peed right down the other end of the arch, near where I would pee, nowhere near where I sleep.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

I got to the clinic at 11.10am, and wasn't seen until 1.30pm. Now that is a very long wait!

The first thing was that my blood pressure has gone back up to stupid levela again, and then for some crazy reason my weight has gone up even though I have been eating small meals and not snacking, and even going hungry, and walking a lot with the heavy bag.
But anyway, the outcome was really good, I got 6 months worth of pills.
I now have plenty of two out of my three meds.
I went back to McD's to look for stickers in their bins but didn't find any, and so I begged some water off the church and came back here.

Good morning bloggys,

Great adventures have been had since I last nattered at you.

The library closed early as it does on a Friday, and I went hunting for stickers, I was very lucky and quickly found enough stickers.
So I sat in McD's and drank a long slow cuppa as I waited for soup kitchen time. I am lucky that soup kitchen is early in this town.

soup kitchen arrived a few minutes late, I always anticipate being pushed out the way because that is what happens in some other places, but here I seem to get in first, and so I get a cup of delicious milky coffee within minutes, and then a sandwich.
And then I realise that I recognise the soup kitchen people, the lady who gave me money to put my backpack in store, and the man who gave me the mass times are there, it is the turn of the church that I have started going to.
The lady makes an effort to ensure that I have plenty of food, some to take away with me.
I get some soup and I have plenty of milky coffee and some tea.

The lady asks if I am feeling better for not carrying the backpack, and I say yes, I say it is hard to carry your house on your back all the time, especially if you are hungry.
a homeless man overhears me and agrees, he comes over and introduces himself and points his partner out to me, he says they saw me near where they sleep, and I tell him that I was looking for somewhere to set my stove up to brew coffee.
He tells me they have a stove, he tells me that they are travelling homeless the same as me, and we start having a comparison of towns debate that another homeless guy joins in with.
Then he asks me where I am sleeping and as usual I say I can't tell, he tells me that I am welcome to join them where they are, and when I ask if the outreach or police hassle them he says no, he says the outreach sometimes bring hot drinks and the land belongs to the cafe and the cafe people allow them to be there.

Wow. So I end up walking up with them, they have roll mats but I pick up a sheet of cardboard on the way for me. And I stop to gether my backpack and bedding.
We get there and it is obviously a gathering place for homeless and vulnerable people in the evening and then usually five or six or so of them bed down here while others return to hostels and supported accommodation.

This is an ideal set up, no one minds the homeless being here as it is away from everywhere except the college, whose students are noisy enough, and it is by the truck and coach park and toilets so lots of people pass through here but it is not a residential area.
And the homeless who live here treat it with respect. Yesterday some vandals came in and spraypainted and dug out plants and the homeless chased them off and called the police.

The gathering in this area gets a bit noisy and lively and some of them drink, my new friends don't drink, neither do I, and there is an old chap called Santa, I may have mentioned him before when I was last in this town as he was at the daycentre one day, Santa doesn't drink or get rowdy, he sits happily reading his book and occasionally laughing at things people say.
It is luxury to be somewhere where you can read at night, for most homeless people the dark means kip down time as there is not enough light to spare for reading, but here is well lit.

so here we are, me and the homeless couple, Santa, a guy that they call 'Daddy', and a guy and his girlfriend and his girlfriend's brother, the guy is a rough sleeper, his girlfriend is in a hostel and the brother is housed and working after years of homelessness, he has simply come to check that his sister is ok.
And another couple stop by briefly, they are in separate hostels and are not allowed to spend the night together so they tend to stay out walking until the early hours.

well it is a bit of a party, but nothing too rowdy or annoying, Santa keeps right on reading his book and the laughter and alcohol don't bother me, no one bothers me, the girl's brother seems slightly interested in me but I don't respond, and in time those who are not staying drift off.

I am in a corner to sleep, with a wall behind me and a wall alongside me, the guy who's girlfriend is in a hostel is going to sleep next to me, at a perfectly gentlemanly distance, and then Santa is next along from him, lengthways by the bench, then the couple are next to him and Daddy is the last in the row.

Daddy is drunk and struggling to get in his sleeping bag and one of the guys, who is also a bit drunk, goes to help him, they are cussing each other and struggling with the sleeping bag while the rest of us hoot with laughter and shout out about bed time stories and things.

Then I bed down and the guy next to me, who I will call Scotty2, goes to put his duvet down, then another guy turns up with a pizza and a bottle of cider and starts calling Scotty2 names and handing out pizza and drinking cider.
I think as I lie there in my sleeping bag eating pizza and watching Scotty2 dancing around and cussing this guy for calling him an ex-nun 'Homeless people are stark raving bonkers'.
Scotty2 beds down folded in his duvet with his back to me, far enough away for me to feel comfortable and is asleep instantly and snoring, he was a bit drunk.

And then I fell asleep, not long later I wake because of giggling nearby, there are some very high immigrants who can't stop giggling, Daddy goes over and asks them to share the joke or leave, the homeless people are actually dominant and the immigrants try unsuccesfully to calm down, and then they, leave. 'Too much weed' says Daddy.

I sleep again, I sleep soundly but towards morning my dreams are sad and distressing.
I wake warm and comfortable at 6.50am, my alarm is buzzing in my pocket, I have had quite a lie in compared to normal.
The others are waking, and Daddy is up and pottering about.
I go to the loo and tuck back into my bedding afterwards.
I laze about as the others are doing, until about 7.30, and then it is getting up time, it is a cold morning with a hint of mist.
some of the others head straight off, but Santa and the couple who brought me here stay around longer, then Santa heads off before the cafe owner arrives, because he doesn't like being given a cup of tea.
Then there is just me and the couple left, and the cafe owners arrive and set up, the cafe lady makes us all a big hot cup of delicious tea.

she talks to the homeless man who called the police about the vandals and she said she had spoken to the police because she didn't want them hassling the homeless over the vandalism because we are 'her homeless people' and she knows it wasn't us doing the vandalism.
Apparently the police said that they would never disturb us unless we were doing something we shouldn't.
Hm, we have a little homeless sanctuary here.
It turns out that the lady and her husband are Christians who are very involved in outreach and the church.

Anyway, the couple tend to stay in that area and I am going into town as usual, so we part company for the day, I go into town and go to church for a quick prayer, check the bins, have a wash and come here.

Friday, 19 October 2012

I need an early Christmas, not that I get Christmas any more.
This is my Christmas list:

hot drinks
More blankets
a new backpack, the old one is done for and is hard to carry because the straps are worn
new foam pads and orthotics
a nice shower
handwarmers to use as hot water bottles at night
hoody to keep me warm at night
fuel for my stove
a new pan or kettle for my stove
coffee and soup for brewing
18 hours of peaceful sleep
an Ipod with music on it

The internet is back on in the library, hooray.
The library closes at 5.30 today, not so hooray.

After I had had my cup of tea in McD's I went back to the church to beg God to help me.
A lady came over with a leaflet about the church and asked if I wanted to know anything, I told her I was hoping to come to mass here, so she told me about mass times and where it would be held if not in the church, and then she looked at my backpack and said that she hoped I had accommodation as my backpack looked very heavy.
I told her that the backpack was heavy but that I had no choice but to carry it as I had no money to put it in storage.
She asked how much storage was for a day and I told her the cheapest place. she went to talk to her collegue who had just arrived, they are church sitters, and she came back with some money, I told her I wasn't begging and she said if I had been begging she wouldn't have given me anything.
she gave me a £5, and putting the backpack in storage costs £3, so I had £2 for food.
I thanked her and thanked God.
I was quite dizzy by this time and this town is a bit expensive so I wasn't sure what I could get for £2 to eat once I had put the backpack in storage.
I ended up getting a thick warm pizza slice and a donut, not the healthiest lunch but the thing with both pizza and donut is that they are heavy and doughy and if you can't get much food then that will keep your stomach occupied for a while.

Then I belatedly took my thermal top off and had a wash, when it comes to crisis and no food, keep all your layers on in order to keep warm, and dont use energy for a wash until you have got food.

Today is cloudy, I am just going to check the forecast.
Good. Mist and fog rolling in. I like mist and fog, they keep me hidden among other things, and the temperature is due to stay mild for the night :)
After I left the bus station I went over to the toilets, a number of homeless people sleep by the toilets as there is a sheltered overhang and the toilets remain open all night as it is by a truck and coach park.
I got some water, found a low wall and sat on the wall with my stove, brewing coffee.
Sadly the pan's shaky handle came off and hot water went everywhere including on the fuel on the stove, I managed to re-ignite it and got a cup and a half of coffee.
I now only have two fuel tablets left.

I went sticker hunting before the hostel lads were out, so I got one sticker.
I went over to the church which normally opens at 8.15, but a notice on the door said that they wouldn't open until 9 today. It is not my good day, obviously.

I was in a lot of pain in my insides so I looked in my paperwork bag and found a prescription and took it in, 112 tummy pills, hooray! I just need two other types of med that I have run out of, and I hope to get one of those tomorrow.
I went back to wait for church, and when it opened the haughty lady didn't want to stop and tell me mass times, she just looked at me thought 'homeless' and hurried off, I think people like that should be kicked out of church until they become Christians.
A nice man came in and I asked him mass times and he took a bit of paper with the mass times out of his bag and gave it to me and said I could keep it, God bless him.

Mass was at 10 and I went away sticker hunting and didn't get back in time, I hate going in to mass late so I will go tomorrow night.
I went to the library but the WiFi wasn't working, I ate some remnants of food from the Strand that I got on Wednesday and then that was all I could get.
I started walking again, desparate for food or stickers, but in the end the heavy backpack and low blood sugar and tiredness forced me to sit down and rest, I fell asleep on a bench for a long time, and woke and wandered over to the bin, the bin produced two stickers, and here I am in McD's, drinking a sugary tea and wondering what to do next.
Good morning bloggys,

I am in a cold bus station, well it's a little bit warmer than outside, it smells of bleach.

Last night I went to soup kitchen, soup kitchen wasn't very inspiring, there wasn't much food to go round. I was fortunate to get some soup quickly before it was all gone, one of the men was being a gent and passed me a cup of soup before he got his own soup.
I was given an egg sandwich, which is better than nothing.but I may be intolerant of eggs as I tend to get upset stomach.
Anyway, there is coffe but no tea, but they offer to get some QT from the car, I say it doesn't matter but they do anyway, I have several coffees and several QTs, what a pity it is such a poor soup kitchen when I most need feeding and tea when sometimes there is loads of tea.

Then I start feeling sick and tired, which is when one of the disinterested staff starts pestering me about 'getting somewhere for the winter' when will they learn?

There was a funny incident though, I walked to the edge of the soup kitchen area as I waited, then I heard a whimpering and realised that someone's dog was tied up and was making a fuss, he was well camoflaged so I hadn't seen him, his owner, a homeless woman started hurling abuse at him for whimpering, and a man near her looked round and thought she was hurling abuse at me because he hadn't noticed the dog, he looked from her to me and looked utterly shocked, she noticed him and pointed to the dog and old him she was telling the dog off, not me, and we all started laughing. well it was funny.

Someone else greeted me and asked how I am, he is a friendly Big Issue seller.

At the end of soup kitchen my stomach was in knots and I was exhausted, QT has powdered milk in it and I am allergic to that, so either that or the egg was reacting badly to me, so I threw up some of my supper and wandered around with crampy belly until I found some 24 hour toilets and was grateful for that.

Then I went to my sleeping place, it was only 9pm but I was tired.
I bedded down and slept, I woke every hour during the night, at about half past the hour, usually noise woke me, noisy traffic or drunk people shouting, but in between wakings I slept.

I dreamed and my dreams were sad and from the past, I dreamed that I was with my family and my big sister came to stay, she took my bedroom without me being consulted and so I had no bed, and she said 'It's your younger sister who is suffering worst', as if I didn't matter, I don't know what my sister was suffering, but she had a bed.
Then I dreamed of my old friends, they looked through me, talked over me as if I didn't exist, and when I shouted one of their names they looked round and then went on as if I wasn't there.

These dreams didn't worry me too much, it was the terrors and distresses when I woke each time that troubled me.

I got up at quarter to six, and no one, no outreach had disturbed me, so that is ok.
The ground I slept on was still too damp and I had more cardboard, but at least I was hidden and sheltered in case the weather got bad, as it was it stayed dry and mild but the temparature noticably dropped in the last few hours to morning.

I wish the bad memories would fade and I wish the Russians would stop spamming my blog and messing my statistics up.
I think they put a crawler thing on any blog with links, how sad, there is nothing worth spamming on here.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Well I went to the outreach centre that was supposed to open at 2pm but found out that they are closed for a week or so due to no electricity and other things, there was a lady there and she took me to find a hot drink, we ended up in this Italian place which wasn't ideal but it was the first place we found, we ended up having a coffee as there was no tea (argh I waited so long for a tea and still no tea), and then she asked if I wanted some food, I said I didn't want to send her money, so she looked and found a bread and goat's cheese thing for me, it was actually quite tasty, and so was the coffee, though neither of our coffees were very hot.
anyway, we parted company and I will see her again as she works at the outreach centre.

Then I was back here briefly on the library computer so that I could listen to music as the headphones dont work on here.

Then I went and sat in another church, they have a cafe and eventually I plucked up the courage to ask them for water, they told me I was the third to ask for water as a lady who was thirsty and a man who had anti biotics had also asked.
I sat and drank the glass of water without stopping, and one of the ladies came over with a fresh chilled bottle of water for me to take with me, I am halfway through it as I write.
Thank You God.

Tonight is forecast dry and mild and the wind will drop, even so I do not know where I will sleep, last night's little den is a bit dire and an obvious target for outreach teams, who will be out tomorrow :( ha I will wake early and scuttle away before they see me.

I liked the new girls on the strand, one or two of them have some obvious good and hope in them, I hope for their sake that their lives are blessed and that things improve dramatically for them.

So I noticed on the Strand that the Eastern Europeans are missing.
I was told that they were all being sent home, but I didn't believe it.
But they have been sent back, and it means that the rest of us get food and hot drinks in peace without being hit or shoved out  of the way.
It isn't being prejudiced to say that as it was what used to happen.

I hope that Marcus hasn't been sent away.
I don't think they can send him anywhere.

I saw some familiar faces in London, but London is London, if people aren't there then they aren't there.
I was surprised to get my place in Southwark back, but I think the others don't like the tree root in the middle, I don't mind it. There was a resident in the next bush along but my place was vacant and waiting for me.
But there was fox poo that I didn't see in the dark...

If I had stayed and worked for the next few days I would have had more tea but less shelter, more food but the burden of carrying my bags around and the steps and walking as well as working really hard with communication would leave me very strained indeed.
Songs that I sing on the strand as I wait for food:

Mountains of Mourne

Streets of London - the homeless national anthem

Camden Town - of course
 - for Marcus and Joy wherever they are! (and I do NOT do air guitar to this).

A new song in my repetoire
Hello bloggypeeps,
I went looking for someone to spare me some water. I had a bright idea thanks to a friend.
I went and timidly asked at a church, there was a lovely young girl on reception and she got me several big cups of water. She also got me some tins and a packet of biscuits and she stopped to talk.

I never know what to say to anyone when they kindly offer me tins, I don't want people to be offended or get the wrong idea when I turn them down, but tins are heavy and I am carrying a heavy backpack, and tins without ringpulls are tricky because I have no tin opener at the moment, and I am very low on fuel for my stove, I am saving it or absolute emergency.
I thank the kind girl with gratitude and she gives me a hug, and then I wander off, I go into another church and sit down to pray as no one is there, and then I fall asleep.

I wake up an hour later and I truly don't know if any of the few people who have come in to pray realise I was asleep.

I go to the loo and am back here, eating nice biscuits quietly.
I have managed to outdo the mencace who was sitting here eating olives earlier, the smell of olives and the noise he made eating them was annoying, but I have biscuits, so there. :)

Good morning bloggypeeps,
It is cold and I am sitting outside on a bench in the street trying to type.

Yesterday afternoon I went back to the cafe, the underground was killing my legs and lungs, but I got there and had two cups of tea and then there was nowhere else to go and it was rush hour, so I went and sat on the strand, my black bag of bedding has proved to be a very handy and comfortable seat as I have struggled round London, and so I sit on it on the strand and wrap myself up in my multicoloured blanket (complete with fox poo stains), the wind is holwing through the strand but I am simply too tired and my legs are painful, so I sit and rest, people give me sympathetic and kind looks and I just grin cheekily at them, but I am not begging.

Eventuallu otheer homeless people start to congregate. Barbera from my old street gang appears and looks at me, looks again and looks confused, then she says hello.
There are some other girls, and they start looking at me and talking about me, I raise my eyebrows in a question markbut I don't go over.
Then one of them comes over and says hi, she tells me sorry for talking about me but that some of them thought I was new on the streets but someone has told them I am an old veteran, I tell her I don't mind.

I go over to the Charing Cross and put my thermal top on and come back as the food runs start.
I get a chicken baguette, and am content with that, andf then a lemon curd muffin.

Then the worst thing happens. The cult men appear and start trying to recruit, they see me, recognise me and seem to forget what happened last time. It is not a good scene and they end up in the Thames with everyone else who annoys me, only joking, but I mention police and people traffikers and cults in a loud voice and advise them that most people on the strand know them for what they are, this causes an outburst of them trying to God me and then changing to trying to call me crazy and and even saying that I will 'reap what I sow' I advise them that they will too, and that I will keep my God and they can keep theirs but that I will call the police over if they persist.
I have never seen them leave the strand so fast, and no one goes with them, hallelujah!

The tea run men are Christians and it starts pouring with rain as they arrive, and they laugh and thank God, I tell them that the cult have just shattered my peace and left me screaming mad and that I am not getting enough sleep because of the weather and the forecast is bad tonight and I need shelter.
They laugh and pray for me and make me lots of cups of tea.

And yet another food and tea run comes down. The food and hot drinks runs can be endless from 7-10 some nights.
The new food run gives me a sandwich that I will save for tomorrow, and yet more tea, they are giving out information on a project that mainly helps addicts and alcoholics off the streets.

I head for waterloo, intending to treasure hunt on the station, but there is nothing on the station.
I stand and wonder what to do, and as I stand and look through the cards in my wallet I find a valid ticket, I was sure that that return was a day return, the return half of which I had never used.
But it is an open return, as most of my tickets are, which is how I manage to travel so much.
Open returns usually only cost a pound more than a single on long distance lines, but the circumstances were that I thought I had a day return that time.

So I decide that if I go on the journey then at least I can sleep for a few hours on the train, warm and dry out of the weather.
I need to make another underground journey in order to get to the mainline station, and I can do that, I just wonder if I have missed the last train as it is now 9pm.

I get to the mainline station and there are two trains I can get, one is full and about to depart, so I wait for the next and last one.
I am lucky in that I get a single seat alone in a corner, I sit down but the other seats nearby fill with rather noisy and big people even though this is the quiet carriage.

I put my netbook to charge in my backpack by my feet and doze off. I wake at each station and the noisy people get off at some point.
Finally I wake at my station and get off.
I took my thermal top off earlier and now it is too late to go to the loo and put it back on.

I head for the railway arches.
Most of them are open and exposed, which is no good, but there is one that is more sheltered.
I fall down the bank trying to get to it after several near-falls, my backpack and I get plenty of mud on us.

I go in and go to the corner of the arch where the shadows of the small scrubby bushes and washed-in rubbish from storms will hide me.
The ground is patchy with wet and dry and water drips from the roof and walls and there is damp.
The place smells of dead animals.
Believe me bloggys, I am glad it was too dark for me to see my sleeping place, and I am glad you will never see it.
The only advantages are that I was protected somewhat from the wind and rain, and was hidden.

The ground is damp and wet, there are dry islands, and I choose a dry island by the wall.
Lying down will leave me cold and wet, so I put the bedding and cloithes bag down, sit on it, get into my sleeping bag, put the blanket round me, and doze off. It is midnight.

I wake after 3am, there are drunks around, shouting, but no one near me, I sleep again, 4.40am, I wake, look around and sleep.
The alarm goes off at 5.30 but I stay dozing until 6am, I have stayed warm and reasonably dry.
I decide to leave the bedding and clothes bag there, an instant advantage of having moved here.
But I have no idea where I will get a hot drink or even a cold drink from this morning, I left my water bottle on the train.

6.30, I need the loo, there are no loos open. I sit on a  bench and watch the sky in the east growing lighter.
I sneaked into McD's and used their loo, wish I could get a drink as well.
It is very cold now, the rain and clouds have cleared.

I am now in the library at last, the computer conked out when I was writing the last bit.

I am in slight crisis because I have lost my water bottle and have no money for tea, I have had a long drink of water out of the taps in the loo and a long luxurious wash.

This should have been posted yesterday afterenoon but the battery on the netbook ran out.

Hi Bloggypeeps,

well I went to the daycentre and was first in the women's shower and then had various sandwiches and army tea and coffee for breakfast.

My friend was there at work but I didn't attempt to get his attention when he didn't notice me.

Then I went to work.
Sadly we only got an hour and a cup of tea done when head office decided that the wind was too much of a hazard to the exhibition, so we had to close down.
Very sad, and then I thought I would come here to the Brightish library to go on my netbook, I forgot what a nightmare the internet here is, and I had to have my bags searched etc, I should have stayed in the cafe using my free tea voucher and gone on the net there.

My legs and feet are too tired, I am too tired and my bags are too heavy,
London is not the best place for a disabled homeless person..

Wednesday, 17 October 2012

yesterday morning it rained and rained, and then cleared into a beautiful day, I went to tea hour and drank my last cups of strong market tea, then I had a thorough wash and waited for the library to open.

In the library I charged the phone and netbook for half an hour and quickly did my internet.

Then I headed for the train.

I got the train ok, sometimes advance booking is silly, the train and carriage were half empty and yet they had squashed me in with another booking, I went to my seat eventually but was too uncomfortable so I simply went and took an empty seat elsewhere, the guard didn't mind, and I had a peaceful journey, it never got very crowded but towards the end I went and hung my head out the window in the corridor,as I do.

We arrived in London and as usual I was anxious and overwhelmed, I made my way to the choob train and got through the tube ok and wandered out near trafalgar square, I found the charity easily and the leader gave me a fat wad of paperwork to read and a letter to take to the cafe that entitled me to free hot drinks, so I went and sat in the cafe and read my wad of paperwork, and then all the other volunteers came down because it was windy and they had had to pack the stand up to stop it blowing away.

Then off we went back out and I was so nervous, I used to do this kind of thing a lot but that was before I was destroyed, so I was even more nervous than usual, approaching members of the public to raise awareness of our cause, not fundraising as many people mistakenly think as they run away, we are NOT chuggers, this project is not about money it is about raising awareness.

So the day rolls on, I arrived at 1pm and we finish at 6pm, by which time it is cold and getting dark, I don't tend to get cold as a homeless person because I scuttle around so much, but here in a wind corridor and standing still a lot I do feel cold. And it is killing my legs! really really painful! This is why I am disabled and can't sell the Big Issue!

Some people are rude, some are indifferent and some are very knowledgable and friendly. I earned my confidence by having a debate with a man who knew about our cause but didn't care and wanted to get his opinion out, he nearly turned my hair grey, I am not the best at communication and that took all my skill.
I had some lovely people though who were knowledgable and cared and wanted to know more.

at the end of the day I went to sit in the cafe with another volunteer who was waiting for rush hour on the tube to end before she tried to get home, we had a free cup of tea and a good natter, and she kindly offered me a small amount of money.

Then I headed for the Strand, no-one I knew was there but that is not surprising, it is a migratory homeless population and I have been away for a long time.
It was actually surprisingly quiet, and I waited and quietly sang 'Mountains of Mourne' and 'Streets of London' as I used to, and soon a rice run came, the strand remained quiet and there was none of the pushing and shoving that I remembered, I got my pot of food and a bottle of water.
Hot curry and rice c/o the kind Sikhs, and no wonder they give us bottles of water with it, it is hot!
I didn't have any lunch so the meal is so welcome.

So I had a good hot meal and waited to see if a sandwich run would come so that I would have something for the next day.
Two ladies came with bakery goods and bananas and cartons of juice.
They were very kind to me and I got several small packets of bakery goods and a banana and a carton and some chocolate. Ideal.
No tea run appeared so I wandered off. I decided to do the long journey to Northfield as the backpacker hostel there used to do cheap beds, but sadly they turn out to be under new management and too expensive, so I head all the way backto Southwark, no one has claimed my bushes so I kip down, i know I wont sleep the night as bad weather is forecast and there is no safe shelter, but I must try to get some sleep.

I doze and sleep lightly and comfortably, the rain starts at 3am and so I am up.
I walk down to Waterloo but there is a big crowd of drunk people round waterloo grill so I have to wait for my tea.
As I wait I am approached by a drunk guy, I am never in a good mood at 3am so he was last seen hurtling directly towards the Thames at 100mph.

I get my tea and sit in a bus shelter and sit and sit and sit, 4am, ladies of the night running through the rain for their buses home, it is pouring and pelting rain.
Second cup of tea.
4.30, Waterloo station opens and I crawl in, pick up a copy of the metro and sit on the station to read it, a drunkard approaches and begs me for change, he was last seen following the other guy into the Thames.

5am, a nice toilet break in the disabled toilets and I find my handwash gel and some antacids as I have run out of stomach meds and am in pain and my hand smells slightly of fox poo from where I was sleeping at Southwark, how dare a fox poo in my bed!

5.30am, down the tube, haha, well no, the Jubilee Line is barely running so I do a clever alternative route along the Northern Line, I got a travel card for today with some of the money I was given, and I get to London Bridge.
I wonder if I will remember the way but as I turn the corner the Shard of Glass looms and suddenly there are tears in my eyes.
I remember how I could hardly walk from Southwark and how I used to use the Shard of Glass as a landmark to follow and how I would keep looking up at the shard as it grew bigger and bigger on the horizon until I was at the daycentre.

anyway, I wander descreetly into Guys Hospital, as descreetly as you can with a huge backpack and a black bag of bedding.
I go  to the loo and then I get the lift up to the 30th floor to admire the view, i used to do this, the view is blurred by rain but still beautiful, London lit up in the dark.

and then I gather all my loose change together for a cuppa at McD's, and here I am, sneakily charging my laptop as I drink my tea, suddenly it is light outdoors, and the daycentre opens at 8.30 unless it has changed while I have been away.
I am out of money completely but I needed all that hot tea and the travel card, I have food from the strand and I will be at the daycentre shortly and will have free tea as I work today.
Another day of scary dealing with the public.

The forecast is once again good for the daytime and bad for the night. :( This is not good, I need sleep.

Tuesday, 16 October 2012

Good morning peeps,
I decided to switch my writing brain off yesterday evening after another 4 or 5 pages. All the remembering leaves me in a bit of turmoil.
So I nattered to a friend on the phone, nattered to another friend by email and ambled about on the internet.
Soup kitchen was busy but two of my nice non-chauvenistic pals made sure I got plenty of food and hot drinks. I am really impressed by some of the new lot now, suddenly the good uns have arrived and soup kitchen isn't such hell any more.
Ha, I may be eating on the Strand tonight and believe me hell doesn't get worse than that!

I went to the nearby toilet which has no light to put my thermals on as I was tired, wandered to my porch and tucked down. Slept, woke at 1.40 am, it was raining but I was dry so I wandered back to sleep and  snoozed my head off until 5am when I snoozed it back on.
I woke to a fantastic storm, the rain was pouring and the wind was roaring in the trees, I was warm and snug in my porch and I enjoyed watching the amazing storm as I lay there.

6.45 I got up and wandered over to throw my cardboard away and headed into town with my backpack and bedding as I am taking everything with me today.

McD's was quiet when I got here, all the homeless must have battened down the hatches and be hiding.
wow, awesome weather. Thank you God that I was safe and dry.

Monday, 15 October 2012


I got an email that said if I can go and help with charity work in the next few days then I would be welcome, so I went to the station to see if I could get a ticket with the last of my money, and I got a ticket, I still have a small amount of money left but the future is very foggy, how can I sleep rough in London again, even tomorrow night? where do I go from London and how?
How am I going to support myself and how am I going to eat once I finish helping out in London?
I woke at about 4.30 this morning, and by 10am I had started writing page 125 of my book.
A typical book is 250 -300 pages, some books are more than that.
So if this was a 250 page book then I would halfway through. But I think it will be more than that.
I also found time for a shower and some breakfast, there was only one slice of bread left for toast so I had exploding porrige.

I have been to the daycentre and had a quick cuppa and read a book, Cheerful showed me that he got a mention in the Big issue, and Gloomy ignored me, which he does sometimes, cos he's a Gloomy so and so.
My pal with the dog was struggling to sell any Issues, but I was doing ok cos I got two stickers out of the bins. I now have enough for a cuppa and one spare sticker.

I got a chip butty for my lunch and sat sadly on the gallery wall, losing the gallery has ripped part of my heart out, it was a refuge, a place where I felt normal, somewhere to shelter, somehwere I could be helpful.
God I am going to miss them too much. Thats what happens when you get attached - oh no, no good being cynical, losses and new friendships are part of life, and other new people will come along and new places.
I have almost no money left but I wish I could catch a train.

It is raining again, the forecast lied.
I just made porridge out of ready oats, and it exploded all over the microwave.

As I was writing I realised that there should be a charity for people who come from bad backgrounds and struggle, a lot of people cannot verbally explain what has happened to them and they end up being labelled as 'mentally ill' or getting into trouble for being different, or being used and abused and end up in trouble as a result, even just when their anger and frustration cannot be contained any longer.
There is the Samaritans but they are not specifically aimed at people who have grown up with bad and are left struggling, the Samritans are aimed at people in crisis or suicidal, and my experience of the Samaritans is that some of them are brilliant and some of them should never have got to be Samaritans and sometimes they do more harm than good.

The last thing you need when you are at the end of your rope is a Samaritan telling you that you cannot talk about what you need to talk about because it clashes with their beliefs or that you are mentally ill or that if you can't talk about your feelings then they can't help.
I am not diagnosed as mentally ill, if I need to talk about what the church have done to me then that is what I need to talk about and I cannot talk about feelings because I have Asperger Syndrome, but I have been so blocked and denied by the Samaritans and so judged that I simply don't bother with them.
They kept telling my friend to have a warm milky drink and a bath to relax, even though she kept telling them she is lactose intolerant and has the worst flashbacks in the bathroom because that is where she was raped.

The Samaritans help a great deal of people but they and the social services and mental health services are not geared to help young people who are damaged and isolated because of upbringing, and there are only limited resources to help such people, counselling alone will not always do the trick, even if counselling is accesible, which it isn't always, because an unsteady young person needs a safe place, a foundation to stand on in order for counselling to help without making them more unsteady, and where can any young person find that safe place? some get some stability in the supported environment of a YMCA of foyer project or other supported housing, but too many don't even know that such things are available or even that they are in need of help.

I left my family thinking that the problem was me, but not knowing what to do about it, my mum scornfully said that counselling was useless and harmful and that talking to a friend was better, but where could I find friends when I couldn't form any attachment because of undiagnosed AS and attachment disorder because of my upbringing?!

anyway, the point is that if I could then I would start a charity that helps people from difficult backgrounds to express themselves, not an advocacy service because those are specific in helping people communicate with certain professionals. I find relief in writing both my day to day blog and my book, but the book is the story that has never been told, and if it had, then maybe I wouldn't have ended up on the streets and beyond help, because I have never been able to verbalise to anyone what has really happened, and as a result I am misunderstood and labelled mad and bad when in reality I have tried with all my might to be good, well behaved and productive despite my disability and disturbance.
If people could be heard and better understood then less of them would end up homeless and beyond help.
But how can they be heard, those worst disadvantaged are the ones who can least express themselves and are least heard and are left with no self worth, and that is why some use drink and drugs and most end up beyond help or in a system that uses money and resources on them but can't help them because pills and people in white coats do not replace the broken or missing foundation of a stable upbringing, and do not replace love that was lacking,in fact all the white coats and pills do to anyone is take away reality and increase the nightmare. The same with handcuffs and beatings and locked cell doors, they don't make a decent human being, they take away any hope of a broken person being rebuilt.

There is something missing in the systems, a gap.
And the YMCA and other foyer projects try to replace the missing, but the psychology of someone from a broken background needs to be understood if anyone is to help people who grow up broken and the broken person needs to be able to express what has happened so that how it affects them as an adult can be seen and something can be done to help them.

I'm going to delete this later, I wrote it in my sleep :)