This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Sunday, 30 November 2014

sunday night

Good evening,

I biked to church this morning.
They announced the walk completion and I got a round of applause.

We had a lively service and then people were talking to me about the walk and I got sponsor money.
The first advent candle was lit today.

After that I came home, cooked roast dinner but suddemly felt ill and didn't want to eat.

So i biked into town to drop letters and sponsor money off.
I met a friend who is in real crisis, which reminded me to count my blessings.
I struggled home, still feeling rough, and made a good start on the big sort out of the flat, paperwork and task lists for the week.

The flat is neat, there are massive lists on the table, and the first signs of Christmas are here, a tiny tree, a tinsel penguin and some cards.

I am unusually tired and muzzy headed, so I will walk to the cliffs,  then when I return I will shower and sleep.

sunday morning

Good morning,

Yesterday my poor landlord had to unblock the loo, the outlet pipes are very small.

I did chicken and homous for lunch and then went to the christmas lights carnival.

Despite the ipad playing up, I got some photos and videos.

I stopped in town to drop some things off, then I came home and had homous and carrots for supper before having a troubled nights sleep.

I woke early but stayed in bed a while.

I got up, showered and dressed, and went for a bike ride round the cliff top gardens.
Then I did bacon and eggs for breakfast, now I am preparing for church.

Saturday, 29 November 2014

Saturday afternoon

Good afternoon,

I woke early as usual and decided a bus ride would keep my system happy.

I had a bus ride, came back, stood on the cliffs in the early sunshine, then I did bacon sandwiches and coffee for breakfast.

No rest for the nortyperson, I have been helping my landlord clean the apartments today.
It made me feel more fatigued than the walk did, as I am back on my diet, which is low carbs.

I have biked down to the shops as I havent had much chance to shop so everything ran low.

I did chicken and humous for lunch.

Friday, 28 November 2014

Friday evening 2

Good evening,

Well, with the walk finished, it was back to normal routines.
Cleaning and hoovering the flat for the first time, then a walk over to the cliff, the sea roaring in the dark.
Now it is bed time, goodnight.

Friday evening

Good evening,

I got the bus for a 7.45 start on the walk.

The walk was peaceful despite the strong winds, and after some hours I reached the brow of the eastern hills and look down on my home town on the bay, the wild foaming sea hitting the sea wall and the Great Hill glooming against dark cloud.

I wandered peacefully down the hill and into church for a coffee before collecting my post  from my old flat.
Then I got some reduced chops from the shop before wandering up the cliff and home.
The Great Walk 2014 is over, and in a way it is a relief but also, as I sat on the hill top looking at the views, I wished I could go back, walk through miles of silent wilderness again. It is my annual holiday, it is a pilgrimage,  it is a Christmas present to me and all the people who benefit from the funds raised, and it is a thank you to all who have looked after me.

Home again, dirty clothes eashed, me showered and fed, and the massage machine helping my muscles, I finally checked on the blue bike,   the blue bike chewing hay in it's new stable, dreaming of new brake blocks and appreciating the rest.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well, day 4 of the great walk went well. Starting in thick fog, I walked steadily, stopped at a great historical site to look round and do photography on the way, reached my planned destination by lunchtime, me some friends, had a cuppa,  and started walking again, so a slightly shorter walk concludes this years Great Walk tomorrow.
The weather was just right today, I didn't arrive home soaked and muddy this time.

Early night now, the blog will return to normal after the walk concludes tomorrow.
Those who havent been following, I do a 70 mile walk as a Christmas present every year, this year it brings Christmas to 40 families in poverty through the sponsor money.

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

wednesday morning

Good morning,

Sorry for the delay in updates, I was walking all day in the rain and wind yesterday anf also having trouble signing in to google.

I got home wet and cold so was grateful for the heaters and tumble dryer.

I dried out well, cooked some chicken and then slept.
Woke early ready for the next leg of the walk but am dependent on buses which dont start until later.

I hate the ipad keyboard, so mamy spelling errors.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

Monday, 24 November 2014

monday night

Good evening,

I walked for 11.5 hours, nearly completing the most remote and difficult part of the walk, then I got the bus.
I had to go and put my friends bins out and weigh in at health and fitness.

Water retention and high carbs for the walk lrd me to think I woild have gained weight, but I havent.

Home, showered, fed and poor hurty bits rubbed with gel, i am ready for sleep.
The walk gets easier now apart from bad weather coming in.
Good afternoon.

First and second cups of tea since I left home are being had.
Tired, aching, but able and determined to walk, I will walk until I have to stop.

monday, day 1 of the great walk

Good morning,

I have been walking since 4.30am.

I am on enforced rest break now.

I am sitting in a church, drinking squash and eating kendal mint cake.

So far so good but there is a long road ahead before my day of walking ends.

I will only update briefly for now.

Clean socks and deep heat cream are a blessing.

Sunday, 23 November 2014

sunday night

Good evening.
Very tired.

Showered, walked on thr cliffs. Went to church, lovely, they said prayers and gave me a special prayer card and cross for me to take on the walk.

Cooked small roast, and got on with unpacking and tomorrows work, went to evening church, then continued unpacking and preparing.
Collected the blue bike.

sunday morning

Good morning peeps,

well I slept soundly in my new bed. The mattress is firm memory foam, ideal, it holds my spine in place.

I was dreaming as I began to wake up in the dark early morning, dreaming vaguely about my adoptive mum and my brother and army training.

I woke aching from yesterday but refreshed.

The rain and wind are battering the cliffs so I wil shower and walk over to the cliffs before church.

I am just enjoying tea and some quiet radio. It all feels so luxurious.

The great walk begins tomorrow, I have a lot to do. And apart from tomorrow, the weather now looks bad, blah.

Saturday, 22 November 2014

saturday night - move complete

Good evening,

I am writing this on the little machine as I sit in my new bed.
The new flat looks respectable although I cannot find various
Things I need for tomorrow or monday.
Basically I have assigned everything to a place but some things
Are not unpacked yet. I need to do a list and a treasure hunt

This afternoon I finished cleaning and clearing the other flat. I
Did my best not to thimk about it.
Then I was collected but we only moved me and the last of my
Luggage, not the small but vital furniture.

It has not been a stress free move. Cornflakes, cocoa and rice have spilled.
A few things have broken and I have a cut on my arm.
But, things are already straightening out.

This afternoon I went into town to
Get things I needed. The
New place needs so much stuff.

The landlord is kindly goin
g to put up picture hooks,
I was worried that wouldnt be allowed as
The whole place is brand new and in pristine condition.

It is really hard to try to adjust to brand new flat, because the old one had been worn in to comfort by decades of tenants, whereas this is brand new and hard to arrange comfortably.

But it is now somewhat arranged and tidy.
The problems include the kitchenette being too small for ease of use, almost no surfaces at the moment and more storage space needed, and I really need net curtains.
But, the comfort of a nice shower and other things even it out.

This evening after extensively arranging and unpacking,
I walked down the cut onto the cliff tops,
It was dark and misty with the sea roaring on  a far tide, fishermen on the beach.
I walked along the cliff to the shop as I needed potatos for tomorrows roast.

I went dizzy and sweaty and realised I had been working hard since early morning without eating much.

I was afraid I would faint in the shp but I got lucozade and chocolate and shot my blood suger up.
I got home with my shopping and it felt funny but familiar walking up past my old old home to my new one.
I will collect the blue bike tomorrow, I am sureit will forgive me when it sees its new stable.

I have had a nice shower and the radio is on in the living room, comforting and quit.
This tablet is hard work, cant wait to get computer back.
Goodnight peeps. Very tired.

Saturday morning - moving day

Good morning peeps,

Well I am tired and disorientated.
Yesterday I had to cancel my gym assessment as I waited for the nice men to bring my fridge freezer.
The nice men came back with the most lovely slimline fridge freezer, which fits into the gap that the builders accidentally made too small for a normal fridge. Haha.

I continued with the move and clearing the old flat through yesterday evening, then I knocked myself out with 5HTP and slept until 5.20am this grey and rain-soaked morning and was on the bus with the first load at 6am.
The second load was out by 7.30, and I had a shower at the new house and put my rain soaked jumper in the tumble dryer.
Imagine! A tumble dryer!
The new flat is heated and even has a heated towel rail, very posh, but I have to get used to the heat and the other vast differences between the old and the new flats.

Third load done and dusted. I have just had to take my computer in for repair, and so I will be talking to you from the little machine for a while, and just to warn you that I will more intermittent as I complete the move and proceed with the Great Walk.

Anyway, the old flat is nearly empty and I must get on with cleaning, the departure time is around 2pm this afternoon when my friend collects me and my remaining furniture and goods.

This is gonna be hard, leaving the old place and trying to get used to the new place.

But, at least I have remained in my community, albeit at the other end of my community, and I have taken a decent clean safe home for the winter.

Friday, 21 November 2014

Friday -Test post from new home

Hi Peeps,

I am just testing the dongle and BT wifi.

So far the wifi is as hit and miss as usual! I have to wait for a phonecall before I test the dongle, but the mobile gets a good signal, so it should be fine. The mobile doesn't get a good signal at the flat I am leaving.

Well, I am tired, muddled and frantically trying to do everything and getting very little done, I think that is what happens when you move house.

I got here to the new house with a few bags of things, including a cup and spoon for tea.
I was told that the delivery men would arrive between midday and 4pm and would phone when they were within 30 minutes of arriving.

So I made my first cuppa in the new house, walked up the garden with it, and admired the view.
The other side of the garden wall, through the trees, is the park on the clifftop, and beyond that a grey and angry sea.
I am not allowed to jump over the wall to go to the park, I have to walk round to the footpath, but basically I am closer to the sea than the few minutes walk or cycle from the old flat, although this time it is the cliffs, not the beach, but of course I am so close to the path down to the beach, and so close to 'home' along the clifftops, and so close to my little church that the move doesn't make much difference really, I get to remain in my community and keep the bay that I love.

Anyway, I drank my cuppa, started unpacking, and eventually the furniture lorry arrived, they were nice people and they unloaded a microwave, bookcase, armchair, coffee table, chest of drawers, and some kitchen pots and pans and utensils.
I was pleased that they arrived so soon as I wanted to get on with other things. But sadly they had not brought the fridge, so they cheerfully told me they would be back with that, and so I am stuck here a bit longer, going mental because I want to get a lot of change of address paperwork in before the end of the day, especially as it is the end of the working week as well.

Anyway, so I am sitting here, after a third cuppa, and the post arrived, with the first ever letter to me at my new home.
It was from the council, about the furniture that has just arrived. Haha.

The sea is roaring, just as it does in town, and the wind is blowing the trees on the cliff.

The bookcase fits neatly into a little alcove, the armchair is a bit big and out of space in the tiny living room, the one from the old house would fit better. The coffee table is in the little living room.
The chest of drawers fits neatly in the built in cupboards in the bedroom, big built in cupboards, loads of room.

The apartment is split level, well, kind of, a step goes up to the living room and bathroom, and then there is a big bedroom and living area and kitchenette down the step.

The same council regulations that condemned my old home means that although I have a kitchenette, I am not allowed a toaster or an oven, I am allowed a fridge with freezer compartment, microwave and kettle, but for oven cooking and toast, I have to use a communal kitchen that I share with three other people out in the communal areas, but it is no trouble, I am next to the communal kitchen.
As long as I can store and prepare lots of fresh fruit, meat and fish, I don't mind.

This place is considered excellent by council regulations so it wont be condemned, but it changes life, and I do not see this as a lovely permenant home as I did with my old home. I will stay here for six months and seek a flat back in my old area when the spring comes and I return to work.

The other thing is, this place is warm, I am not used to heating and I am in my jumper and the house is warm. I will get used to it but I am not used to it yet, the heating at the old place is off forever because it has been condemned.

Because there is lots of empty space, I will bring some furniture from the old place, especially as that will settle me, and I wanted the table and chair here, and I am allowed to take what I like.

Time for another cuppa. I will cancel my gym assessment this afternoon, I am not really fit for it and I am simply too busy. I am having the equivelant of a relapse but the relapses do not get bad now.

This place really does need a television, the old place didn't, but this is a television kind of apartment.


Friday morning

Good morning,

Well last night I was a mess and so was the flat, so I tidied the flat, had a bath, and sat in bed watching 'Top Secret'.
Here's the St, Ouens Bay scene

I struggled to sleep and so I knocked myself out with a high dose of 5HTP, and woke groggy this morning, and am still groggy and headachy, as I have been this week, this is a mild form of the relapses I have.

I had to shoot into town first thing to set up the new rent payments.

Now I am back, I will put the washing out to sink or swim, and then I have to get to the new house as the furniture is arriving 'some time between midday and 4pm'

Last night I walked by the sea, it was a lovely cold night and the sea was lively on a full tide. Today the weather is cold and grey with some rain and wind, and the sea is rough and full.

Thursday, 20 November 2014

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog. I have been busy.

Yesterday afternoon I biked up to the leisure centre, had a swim, a shower and a hot chocolate.

Then I biked down the sea front, the sea was lively, as it has been recently.
I enjoyed the views, the Great Hill glooming under the dark clouds and the angry orange sunset.

Then I came home, moved a load of stuff to the new house, and got on with paperwork and watching Buffy.

Eventually I went to bed, but as usual recently, I struggled to sleep and slept lightly and restlessly.

But by morning I was more deeply asleep and would have overslept if my friend hadn't come to drop something off and shouted up at the window, waking me, she was just passing and dropped off what she came to drop off but I was a bit sleepy and embarrassed.

I sorted myself out and went into battle.

It was a long tough morning and part afternoon. But I had to go to the district where my adoptive parents hang out, and thankfully they were indeed hanging out very close to where I had to be, and so we met up and me and my adoptive mum did what adoptive mothers and daughters do, which is shopping and a coffee and a chat, so that was cool.

Eventually I wearily staggered home, laden with useful things including a new bin for the new place.  I have only just got home.
My adoptives are really pleased about the new home and everything.

Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday evening I continued preparing for the move, and also walked down to the sea a few times, the sea is restless at the moment.
I watched Buffy until bed time and thought I would sleep well because of being up so early, but it was a struggle to sleep.
When I did sleep I slept soundly but woke late when I needed to be ready to go and collect the keys to the new home.

Everything was clumsy and muddled when I got up, the internet wouldn't fire up, the net curtains fell down, the neighbours were moving house very noisily, and I couldn't sort anything out.

In the end I had to get going, so I grabbed a backpack full of things, and headed off, I had put tea things in the backpack so I can brew tea as I work on the new place, but I even forgot the kettle cord! Argh, it is one of those days and my energy is low, my head is spinning, I am short of breath and I have a headache.

Anyway, at the new house we signed contracts, talked through a few things, and finally I unpacked my first few possessions in my empty new flat.

There is a load of furniture being delivered on Friday 'between midday and 4pm' I was told helpfully by the council, who have arranged furniture for me, seeing as they caused the move by condemning my lovely home.
So on Friday, I will have to be there from midday, so hopefully I can get my books and other things over there so I won't be bored.

My landlady says I can take things from here with me, so if there is anything I need, I can take it, so generally I will have everything, except a television and licence, which I would like for the winter but will have to save up for.

It is a good thing the move is gradual from now to Saturday, it allows me to re-orientate myself. And of course I am returning to the cliff top, where I used to live, and where I will be close to my little church and still part of my community here and there.

My back seems ok today but I reckon wrenching my spine has given me a headache. My upper spine is massively sensetive.
It is dry today, and my washing is on the line.
I will do paprework for a few hours, maybe get a swim this evening, no gym today. Nothing else on the agenda, but if I have time, I may drop another load of stuff off at the new house.

Tuesday, 18 November 2014

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well last night I walked by the sea, I was tired and came home and fell asleep.
My sleep was light and restless, and I woke at 4am, from a dream where I was a gardener again, helping my friends chop down some willow trees from a muddy watery area, and I also had to write to my customers about some sort of disaster that stopped me from doing their gardens.

Anyway, wide awake at 4am, I eventually got up. Got on with paperwork and housework, did bacon and eggs and fruit,and at about 7am, when I biked up to the sea, the sea was moody under dark clouds. I biked up to the leisure centre and did gym and swim, then I had a shower and hot chocolate and headed carefully home along the slippery road.

At home, I tried to move a suitcase, and I think it was that that put my back out rather than the gym.
So I am hobbling a bit at the moment, but it is not serious.

Anyway, out of gym clothes, I set off for coffee morning, where I was given sponsor money, and chatted to my friends.

Then off I went to the new house to make arrangements and look round again.
The move is beginning to come together.

The morning has been showery but we are due a dry spell of weather now.
So I will get some washing on.

I came home and it seems the neighbour and her friend have been drinking and one of them has been sick on the landing.

I went round to have a cup of tea with the lesser spotted landlady and talked to her about the move, she is ever so nice, and sad about the situation, but she says in a way it will be a relief to sell the house and be rid of the burden.

Then I biked along the seafront, lovely colour sky and clouds and moody sea, but the front is very slippery with seaweed at the moment.

Well the flat is partly packed, and I don't own much, but I hate this unsettled wait, it will be a relief to get the move done, and then onwards into the Great Walk.

Monday, 17 November 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well it has been a busy day.

I went on a top secret mission this morning.

And by the time I got home, wet and cold, I knew I still had a day's work ahead and no time for social this evening.

So I had a bath, tried to take time out and relax, but started sorting out the flat instead.

Eventually I went to health and fitness, and I am still losing weight without stopping.

And then I had other things to do, so I got back here at 8.20 tired and sad I am missing social these days, but never mind, I will see some of them at coffee tomorrow.

The rain never stops.

Monday morning

Good morning,

Well I hoped to be up early as I have a lot to do today, but I had a bad night, up and down all night, so I am still not doing anything yet.

And I had bad dreams.

The first dream though, will make you laugh.
I dreamed I was told I got this guy pregnant.
I was wandering round town and he told me he was pregnant and it was mine.
I was frantically trying to recall dates and times or indeed if anything had ever happened, and wondering what the church would think, especially if I told them I didn't make a habit of it, would they believe me?
I asked him if he was sure it wasn't someone else's.
The blind panic when someone tells you you have got them pregnant, thank God that will never happen in real life, and seeing as I am a good Catholic, I will never get a man pregnant out of wedlock.

Anyway, the second dream was about struggling through crowds in southampton with my bike, and seemingly this annoyed some of Jane fisher's friends.

It was hard to wake because I had a restless night, and I still haven't really got my act together.

It is grey and rainy and I must get on and get things done

Sunday, 16 November 2014

Sunday evening

Good evening,

I am sitting in bed, watching movies.

I had a swim and gym earlier and that made me tired.

My roast dinner was awesome, the secret is a pinch of garlic, and there was enough roast dinner for supper as well.

The rain has continued.

I seem to have got a lot and not enough done, and tomorrow is Monday.

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

The blogs get the highest hits on a Sunday and today this blog is doing really well.

I slept reasonably well, had to get up once or twice, not sure why, I must stick to my rules about tea in the evening but it is hard when I am stressed and doing distressing paperwork.

Today is grey and rainy, dark clouds over the hills, no let up in the bad weather.

I had a lazy start and decided I didn't want church today, which may confuse some people regarding sponsor money.

I have been writing and printing but both the computer and the printer are acting like it's their day off.

I had to go to the supermarket earlier, and now I am cooking roast dinner.
The dinner smells nice. Chicken, roasties, fresh vegetables, gravy. And for dessert is mixed fruit with merangue and yogurt.
And a bit later I will go and do gym and maybe swim.

Saturday, 15 November 2014

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Sorry, I have been very preoccupied. Nothing serious.

Last night I was cold, so I snuggled down under both duvets and slept soundly.
This morning before I woke, I had strange dreams but not premonition or suicide dreams, I dreamed that I met some people who were 'pagans' although who or what they were was too blurred, they said 'This is our Rememberance Day' and they were bringing people back from the dead.

I woke to a sunny Saturday, and I felt a bit lazy, so I drank tea for a long time, eventually I did bacon and eggs and dressed for gym.

I went for a bike ride, a nice day to bike along the front and enjoy it, and then I biked up to the leisure centre, which is back to normal, and I did gym and then had a swim. I had a shower when I came out of the pool, and then I had a nice pot of tea in the cafe.
Then I decided to make the scales say ouch, so I weighed myself. I am quite pleased with the results.

I came home and did chicken while I got on with some work.

I have been busy working all evening, but I also watched films with half an eye as I worked, and the housework all got done too.

It has been raining this evening but I had a few short walks to carry out various errands.

The flat is tidy, there is a pot of chicken soup on the hob and some spare jacket potatos in the oven.
There are clean clothes and the vegetables and potatos are ready to go on for tomorrow's roast dinner.
And I am sitting in bed feeling sleepy.

Did you know that Bob Hill has written the equivelant of a book on my case if you add all the pages of his blogs and all the comments up, you get a book.

Friday, 14 November 2014

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well it was a beautiful morning this morning so I put the washing on, and went to collect a parcel, I went via the sea, the sea was rough but not mad, and the sunshine and fresh breeze were pleasant and safe for cycling.
I collected my parcel and came home via the library to print something my printer wont print properly, and the shop for milk, chicken and the local paper.

I came home and put some salmon on to slow bake, it tastes good that way, I got it reduced, I can't afford salmon often.

I did some housework and paperwork and odds and ends, and had a quick bike ride and a nice bath, I was just gearing up for gym assessment when my friend came round and he wanted me to go out for a coffee, I didn't really want to, especially not just before gym, but he took us up to to the leisure centre, the only trouble was, the leisure centre is still partially closed, so the cafe was closed, so we sat there anyway as he wanted to discuss my manuscript which he has been assessing.

I was nearly late for my gym assessment but my trainer had seen me having a 'meeting' with my friend, so that was ok. I really can't be bothered to talk about the manuscript, I have no enthusiasm, my friend does, he says it is excellent, he really wants me to publish some work, he says he has never read work like it. Blah, it does not make me feel good, I do not feel good about writing.

Anyway, gym assessment was the usual torture, checking my progress and increasing my routine and weights.

Afterwards I was bewildered by the building works and portaloos and I had to scribble a covering letter because my friend had disrupted my work, and post a form and a covering letter before the post office closed and collect a repeat prescription and get it sorted.

Then I came home a while, then walked down to the sea, walking along the wall in the dark, the sea is lively but not wild, it was nice to walk, it is a clear cold night, and I walked a while, came home, got the washing in and hoovered the flat and continued with paperwork and housework.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well I was tired and I slept well.

Unfortunately the premonition nightmares continued.

Again, the same person from the diocese of winchester and my past was in the dream, but also my sister.
Both are vulnerable, one to premature death and the other to suicide.

I could text my sister when I top my phone up, but I am not sure what to do about the other person, maybe I should contact Jane Fisher with my comcerns and see if she tries to have me sectioned.

It is 8am, it is grey and rainy here and I am sitting here drinking my tea. The sea is roaring quietly to itself ad the hills are grey. I have a free day, just a parcel to collect, a gym assessment this afternoon and any paperwork to do with moving and sponsored walks that comes in today.

Thursday, 13 November 2014

Thursday evening

Good evening,

Well this afternoon when I got home, the lesser spotted landlady dropped in for a chat, and brought the paperwork about the house being condemned.
All very sad.
But, she said I could take anything I wanted from the flat with me, which is great because the new place is unfurnished, as I probably mentioned.

Anyway, when she had gone I had a bath and washed my hair as I was due to go out.
Then I did odds and ends until I went out.

I walked up to the sea first, a break in the rain although the wind is still strong, so I walked along the sea to the party.

We had a lovely meal and after the meal there was entertainment, it was dancing, and I got dragged into dancing.
It was fun but I am not fully fit and it kills my legs, but nonetheless, I danced, because I have run a short distance a few times recently so I decided I could dance, the dancers were very nice to me and I enjoyed it.
But I was surprised when the professional dancers asked me if I would like to train.
Well, one thing I know is it makes you very fit and builds your muscles and lungs, so if my muscles and lungs will build rather than suffering, then I may as well train, especially as it is on Thursday night, which is a free night for me.

Anyway, at the end I was offered lifts home, but I wanted to walk back along the front, so I did, clutching a food parcel I was given.

The sea was roaring, long low surf going way out, the wind howling.

I have just got home.

Me, dancing? Has the world gone bonkers? Or do people think I have too much time on my hands? :)

You know I am autistic because even a day with my mother that took me from my little town and my cozy and ever so precise routines left me bewildered.

Tomorrow I have gym assessment and my whole routine and all fitness has gone to pot due to the events of the week and the rain and the lack of swimming pool.
The pool is back in action on Saturday, I will need an early swim as it will be madly busy.

Tonight heavy rain is due but tomorrow a break in the weather will allow me to get my washing done.

And looking ahead to the sponsored walk, the weather is looking good apart from one day of rain.

Thursday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I fell out of bed and into a cup of tea, washed, dressed and scooted up to cafe church for half an hour.
Then I had to say goodbye and hurry off on a top secret mission, which was successful and from which I have just returned.
I have only just had my lunch!
I also got a winter coat while I was out, a waterproof with a fleece zip-out lining. The Mother insisted I got a coat. So I did, do I also have to wear it?

I am tired, but tonight there is a party and I will relax and celebrate with my friends.

In the meantime a break in the weather along with massive waves means I am going down to enjoy the sea briefly.

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

A very tired person writing this.

I fell out of bed and into a bath and cuppa and went to collect my adoptive mother from the travel terminal this morning.

We have had a day of walking, talking, cafe, out and about and at the flat.

I returned her to her transport home this evening and came home very tired to prepare for tomorrow.

The weather has been, and remains, atrocious, wind and rain, for the forseeable future.

I am tired and will sleep well. I slept well last night although horrible premonition continues, as if death or grief is close to someone I know, but I do not know who, and it remains that so many people who I was close to are left behind, and it is one of those who is sending this premonition, although not deliberately.

Tuesday, 11 November 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Bed time here, I dread sleep because of nightmares but I am tired.

I set off for the post office, gym and doctor surgery/pharmacy, but I was reluctant, and as I dragged myself tiredly up the road, someone had left a bus lying around so I wandered onto it and went for a bus ride, which was not in my schedule at all.

I came home eventually.

This evening I have been doing housework and paperwork and just drifting.

Tomorrow I have an adoptive mum to collect from the travel terminal later in the morning, I may get a gym session if I am up early enough and I will do post office and prescription things.

The rain and wind continue, and it is cold.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I walked through the rain to coffee morning, all the people were there and we had coffee and someone was putting me on yet another Christmas meal list, someone needs to keep a diary for me so I know where I am when.
We had the rememberance service after coffee, and I also received a load of sponsor pledges and collected all the pledged money and took it down to the office who I am doing the walk for.

Since then I have been sitting in bed, watching Princess Diaries 2, and adding up my charts, and generally relaxing in such a temptingly comfy bed while the rain and wind batter outside.

It is nice to have relaxed free day, instead of stressful travelling which would leave me away from home until late this evening.
Sometimes we have to drop commitments and slow down, and I needed to do that.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

Please excuse the lack of posts, I know a few people have emailed or been coming back and going ?

I am sitting in bed eating gingerbread biscuits and drinking hot sweet tea, all decadent, while outside the wind is howling, and a glaring yellow sunrise has lit the sky under the heavy rainclouds.
I woke from nightmares, first of the diocese of winchester and their violations of me, and secondly a very sad and vivid dream that my old friend Gerard had left a suicide note and I was frantically looking for him.

Sadly recently I have been having a lot of death premonitions, and I have to take them seriously because I do prophesy, not in the horrible vain way that the Jersey cult churches use the word, but I have dreams that fortell things, for example, in Jersey I had a dream about prison, in 2009, and I also dreamed Micheal Scott-Joynt had a stroke, and I did tell him to get his blood pressure checked, but I can't find the email, and I knew before it was announced that he was dead.

I do not know who's death is upsetting me at the moment, it could be any one of the whole community at Winchester that the Diocese drove me from, or any of my homeless friends or even someone in Jersey, but I think seeing as I dreamed of Gerard, it is either a homeless person or possibly unrelatedly and old friend from the Winchester area, who's memory is suddenly vivid.
Enough with the wierdness.

I will try to catch up the last few days now.
Saturday night was Thunderstorms, really heavy, and I tidied the flat and cleaned and put the washing on, and out when the rain stopped and the night was forecast dry.

I slept and had violent nightmares about the diocese and death, someone hanged themselves.

I woke on Sunday morning, nice and early, checked the washing, and decided to get a gym and swim in before church, not my usual way of doing things but wanting to make the most of the swimming pool because it closes for a week of building work now, and may as well get a gym session in.

So I had a gym and swim, enjoyed it, watched horrid Henry on the personal tvs on the treadmill and cycle and cross trainer machines, sometimes I miss tv, mainly when things like Horrid Henry are on because I like him, can't think why!

Anyway, I was dismayed to realise that I had left my sponsor forms at home as I was going to shower and go straight to church from the leisure centre, so I showered, shot home, got the forms and hurried to church, I was at my little church and was expected with sponsor forms.

Sponsor forms?
Ah, the thing I haven't been telling you, those who have read my blog since early days will know what I am doing. Again.
The Great Walk! :):):)
And no, if you are in Jersey you can't sponsor me because I can't risk giving you any details.

Anyway, we had a lovely Rememberance Service, and my friend who doesn't come to church normally and lives down in town was there, I was surprised and pleased to see her.
I didn't go to the War Memorial service, we had our service in church, I was encouraged to be there, and the walk was announced, and after the service, every single one of my people signed the form, the form was full and overflowing, and half the planned amount was raised.
And everyone was 100%  backing me.
I am supposed to be writing for the church magazing this month but they also asked me to provide a walk journal and photographs when I do the walk so it can go in the January issue of the magazine.

So, after church, I biked cheerfully along the cliffs and home, and put my dinner on, and got the washing in before the heavy rain re-started.

Dinner was simple compared to the usual sunday roast, but tasty, carrots, chops and potatoes, which is a nice meal.
Then I broke another Sunday rule and shot up to Tesco for something I needed.

In the Afternoon there was another service at one of the other churches, but this wasn't as much fun for me as the morning one, the walk was supposed to be announced, but unfortunately I had an allergic reaction to someone's perfume and had an asthma attack.
Thankfully I survived and didn't need hospital, but sometimes a sudden attack can take time to recover from, and this did.
So once home, I was feeling ropey and the thunderstorms started again with enthusiasm, right overhead.

I actually hoovered the flat for some reason but didn't do much else but sit there.

Now normally my neighbours are nice, as I have probably mentioned. I don't take a lot of notice of cranky times which are normal in all our lives, and I mentioned my neighbour next door is occasionally drunk or loud especially as she lost her job at the same time as we were told we were losing our homes.

But there is a guy who has alcohol/mental health problems, and occasionally he leaves nasty spiteful notes, especially for the females, he doesn't usually do it to men.
Sunday night I was weak and wrecked and I opened my door to find a spiteful note for me on the mat, it included this guy accusing me of staring, now I am taking into account he is losing his home and can't cope with it, but this was the limit, mental health problems or not.

I wrote him a reply telling him his behaviour was not appropriate and that his targetting of women was inappropriate and that I have been collecting evidence of his behaviour and would report him if it didn't stop.

I photocopied his note and my letter and posted him, and the neighbours and the landlady copies.
And I left copies in the hall.
The landlady says she is furious with his nasty note, but reality is that he has been abusive to her for years and she treads on eggshells rather than confront him.
He had not responded, although I did hear muffled raging and yelling yesterday morning.

But anyway, as a result of that upset, I was up all night Sunday night through to Monday morning, which was pants as Monday afternoon through to evening is my busiest time and I was due to be in London today.
I have cancelled today and cancelled most of Monday's activities.

But the all-nighter had it's advantages, I cooked a slow stew, very tasty, and I got a lot of paperwork and filing done. And several times I walked down to the sea.
At 2am I walked down in a massive thunderstorm, the waves were roaring and lightning lit the sea frequently and the waves crashed over, the road and bay were completely empty, rain and wind washed. I stood there and enjoyed the storm.

I worked quietly through the night, went for another walk at 6am and got caught in a squall at the end of the bay, so I sheltered, when it went over I walked home in the sulky sunrise with the storms rolling over the hill, got some milk and got on with revising. I have an assessment on Thursday.

I was so tired I wanted to sleep, but I had to go and collect something off someone and it was vital.
So I set off, I was going to catch a bus into the next town and another bus up to the place I needed to go and collect from. But as I got to the bus station kiosk, the man I had to collect something off was having a cuppa at the kiosk too, so I didn't have to trek any futher to meet him, and I got my cuppa, got the bus as the heavy rain started again, and was home again by the time I was due to meet him.

I had been up all night, so I simply climbed into bed and slept.
I slept blankly obliviously, dreamlessly, until I woke suddenly to a dark silent house, and thought I had slept all day and well into the night, but it was evening and the house was quiet and of course it gets dark early now so it was dark.

It was rainy and windy and I got up, had a sugar-free cuppa and went straight out, I am looking after my friend's house while he is away, and the bin must go out on Monday night as the bin men come very early on Tuesday. So I hurried over there, went through everything, put the correct bins out, and came home via the supermarket.

I have my adoptive mum coming for the day tomorrow and I want the house full of food and flowers so she thinks I am looking after myself, harhar.

So I did a shop, and went back to the bus stop, it was now late evening, I had decided to get a cheap football while I was shopping, this'll make you laugh, I just missed the bus and was sitting there in a cold dark, windy bus shelter, with my shopping in bags as I forgot to take my backpack, but the football was in one bag, and footballs don't fit well with shopping, so it kept escaping, and I kept trying to put it back, the wind was howling, and the wind finally decided to take my football and flowers.
I rescued the flowers, but me running accross miles of car park leaving the shopping unattended for the sake of a football got a bit silly, so I wonder if security thought I was playing football on their car park but I couldn't get it back and leave my shopping.

Anyway, I returned to the cold bus stop and texted my adoptives and asked what Mum would like to do on Wednesday and told them about my football.

Eventually a bus arrived, and I got home, put the shopping away and fell into bed, to sleep another 8 or 9 hours.
I must be full recharged now, two long deep sleeps so close together.

I woke this morning feeling very refreshed, despite the terrible dreams. I hope Gerard is ok.

I am still sitting in my warm comfy bed as the wind howls through the open window and the rain comes in, the weather for this week is due wet and windy and in a way I am glad I am not doing a London trip with it like this, I would rather be lazy. I have become domesticated, would you believe it?
Anyway, today, as a result of cancelling, is a quiet day, coffee morning, gym, no swim due to the building work at the pool.
And it isn't cycling weather, in the galeforce winds.
I will go and admire the sea, which I can hear roaring from here.
But this bed is comfy and there is loads of tea.

Saturday, 8 November 2014

Saturday night

Good evening,

Well I have been doing housework, although I did have another walk alongside the roaring waves.
But I have also got important jobs like laundry, oven cleaning, loo rolls and things done.
I have also prepared the potatos and veg for tomorrow's roast meal, but I keep eating the carrots, they are too tempting!
I have been watching movies as well.
I also have been doing a load of emails and replies about moving house, church services, and something else that I am not telling you yet! :):):) guess. It is looking good!

Anyway, now I will continue paperwork, reading, watching movies, and doing task lists, although I am doing well with tasks!

The weather has been pelting rain but it has stopped until tomorrow lunch time, so the washing has gone out, and so has the rubbish.

Saturday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I struggled to get to sleep, and I had a bad night with violent nightmares, absolutely shocking.

I woke very upset, and nightmares tend to trigger flashbacks,

So not good, but I recovered, a few cups of tea later.

I had some fruit, got my gym and swim things together and biked down to the front, the wind was galeforce and the sea was roaring, I tried to bike along but was blown along, with foam and sand hitting me, and trying to get back was a nightmare, so I went inland to get up to the leisure centre, but the wind was still blowing me over the road.

I got to the leisure centre and did a gym routine and then swam, the leisure centre is crowded at weekends but I managed, I have done a gym session today so that I can have a low day tomorrow and do monday, wednesday, friday gym next week, which suits everything better with the week I have ahead, and I have gym assessment on Friday.

I had a shower at the leisure centre and came back into town, wheeling the bike, I got something from the computer shop and then made my way back down the front.
The waves were now coming over the wall and over the road, even crashing right over the beach cafe, Jersey people imagine St. Aubins Bay and the front.
Even when I stood on the beach road that goes off the front, the waves came over and crashed down near me.

I tried to bike home down the beach road but the wind is ferocious and was sending me over the road. It is not safe biking weather.

I came home and did lunch, chicken, lettuce, cucumber, tomato, carrot, some light homous and philadelphia, and a bit of yesterday's fish. I could do a merangue nest with fat free yogurt and fruit for afters.
I am sitting listening to the sea roaring like mad, it is awesome.

My two new swimsuits just arrived, so I will try them on.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well I am nice and tired.

This morning I went to collect a parcel from the post office, then I went for a bike ride along the seafront, but a squall hit me along the seafront and I had to hide in a bus shelter.

Then I went to music group, and loads of people turned up and we had a lovely time, lots of laughter and coffee and music.

Then as time went on, I had to head on to get my swim done, I wasn't going to do gym because I was pushed for time, but after swimming, I decided to do a quick gym routine, and ended up doing my whole routine.

I got home with time to do my housework before going out.

Thankfully I had a shower at the gym so I was clean and deodorized and clean hair, ready to go out, so, seeing as I had eaten only two pieces of toast and a banana all day, I cooked a large dish of fish and rice, and while that was doing, I changed the linens, hoovered the flat, did the washing up, put everything away, wiped the surfaces, and generally had the flat spotless.
Then I ate my supper, dressed to go out, and just as I was using strong mouthwash to get rid of the fish smell, the minibus arrived to collect me.

I don't know how much I have blogged about disabled club, but I tend to go to their club nights about once a month.
The disabled club provide various activities, including club night.

Club night is a safe night out for vulnerable people, it provides, disco, DJ, dance floor, alcoholic and soft drinks from the bar, which you have to pay for, so it is like a normal night out except it is for disabled and vulnerable people, it is a safe night out, and it includes minibus transport if you book.
I would not be able to go on a normal night out, despite my ability to write, a normal weekend night out that so many people have is too risky and too bewildering for someone like me, so a safe night out every so often is lovely for me.

Usually my friend is there, as she was tonight, and she acts as a buddy for me because she is a lot more confident than me, so we sat and drank soft drinks and enjoyed the dance music. I like dance music, some people get up and dance and they have the time of their lives, which is lovely to see, because these people are marginalized so much in life, but at club nights they belong and can relax and enjoy themselves.

Club nights do't go on until late as a normal night out might, but generally finishes by 8.30 or 9pm, which is more than enough social for me, and tonight I decided to use the option of going home by bus, so I left at 7.30, went to the supermarket for things I might need over the weekend, got the bus and came back here, via a walk along the seafront, the tide was pouring in on the still strong winds and it was all wild and lovely, and the moon is out and fairly full, while the weather continues to alternate between clear and cold and heavy rain, with a fresh breeze all the while.

I am now sitting sleepily in my flat, reading the local paper and ready to settle to sleep.

Friday morning

Good morning,

It is a bright and breezy morning.
I had a night of vivid dreams and nightmares.
I am just relaxing with my cuppa and I guess I will go swimming and possibly gym.
My neck is slightly pulling today, so although it is gym day, I had better be careful.

I will go to music group later I guess.

And I will go out tonight.

Thursday, 6 November 2014

Thursday night

Well it has been such a wild storm, it still is, I walked up to the sea and walked along, but the lights in the church were on so I went into be nosy, and there were a few people having an unplanned prayer meeting and I joined them, then I returned to my walk along the seafront in the storm.
I have got far too little done here but I have sat in bed for a few hours writing, all my plans tend to go awry these days.

Thursday evening

Good evening,

I seem to have been distracted from blogging.

Last night the moon was big in the cold clear sky, and I slept soundly, no nightmares, the previous night I had terrible nightmares about Jane Fisher and the police, and woke in flashbacks,

But I woke peaceful this morning and fried some cheerful bacon and eggs.

I headed for the drop in and sat there with my friends and revised and enjoyed the banter.

At midday I headed for lunch club.

The geography quiz was real but the lunch club was as hot and crowded as ever these days, and it was fish and chips, I got too overwhelmed and decided to leave and view the property early, the property is near the church so I just scooted up there.

The 'sea view apartment' was just a small square room with an ensuite, and it was by the communal front door for the four other rooms, and apparently there was a 30 year old who had his toddler son to stay a few nights a week, the kitchen was tiny and the fridge was already full from only two tenants now in residence. It looked hopeless noise and space wise, until he showed me some apartments in another block.

The other block was immediately more appealing, we went through a big kitchen and dining area, with washing and drying facilities for clothes, so much better than struggling to dry them on the line at this time of year, and the first apartment had it's own kitchen as well as bedroom, sitting room and ensuite, but is was out of my price range.

The second apartment was smaller but still with a small living area, big bedroom, ensuite, and a sink area where a fridge and kettle could go.

The third was similar but unfinished and yellow throughout, it was similar to the second one but I didn't like it nearly as much.

I have said I want the second apartment but I now have financial headaches, those of you who don't know, I have learning difficulties and cannot work money out very well, but if I take this apartment, I have to raise a deposit and two weeks rent, and the rent itself is higher than here, well the rent here is low considering the quality of accommodation, but the reasons I want this new place include the fact it is good quality, they will accept me, I will have space and privacy, good accommodation like that is scarce here, it is all council approved and newly refurbished and will not be condemned, it is in my area, near where I used to live up on the cliff, it is near one of my churches, and basically it is good and they accept me and I would be ok there.

I returned to the drop in and told them about it and had my lunch there.

I have had a frustrating trip to the council about housing benefit and allowance, because if I move, the amount of housing benefit I get remains the same, so there is quite a shortfall, but I lose my top up allowance, I have to re-apply, and there is no guaruntee I will get it awarded again, which would leave me very short of money because of the rent shortfall, grr.
By the time the council had wasted an hour, I only had 20 minutes for a swim too!

I swam, and then walked the bike down the high street, shopping boredly for food and wondering how I can keep the fresh fruit and meat lifestyle going if I lose half my money to rent, the wind was picking up galeforce, very strong, nearly 30mph, it is a roaring storm battering the town.

I have done turkey and homous for tea and I will go down to the sea briefly to enjoy the storm, and then I will stay home and watch movies.

Wednesday, 5 November 2014

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I put the washing out, went for swim and gym, had to do swim first and it was tricky as it was crowded, I only had a short swim and then did the full gym routine with the new bits, I came out ok without fatigue or sickness.
Then on the way home I stopped for odds and ends at the shop.

And once home I cooked supper, chicken.

And then I went for a bus trip round the district to see all the fireworks.

And when I got home I started revising geography, because quiz master has been mean, he told me he has set an all-geography quiz for tomorrow's lunch, just for me.

Tomorrow I will go to the drop in and then to lunch club and then I will be viewing a studio apartment with sea views.

Wednesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

I slept well last night and woke this morning, too late to do my gym and swim before drop in.

I got my washing on before I headed out, as it is going to be a dry and sunny but cold day. I will hang it out when I get home.

I have been at the drop in all morning, I have done my chores, mainly securing shoeboxes with rubber bands, and helping shopping.

We are sitting here talking and on computers, lots of food and tea and coffee.

It is a glorious day.

Tuesday, 4 November 2014

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

I pootled down to the drop in, but didn't take my painting by numbers kits.
Instead I just sat there and enjoyed the company.

I was given the dregs of a tin of chocolates to take home, which is never good, I am allowed chocolate but only in moderation, but have you ever met anyone who could moderate chocolate?

I had my lunch at the drop in, and then came home and it was raining again, tomorrow promises to be dry and cold, so I will get the linens on and out while I am out and about.

I went to the afternoon swim session and had quite a vigerous workout, my swimming is getting stronger but I overdid it.
There was one of the disabled club down there, wandering around the pool, which reminded me I need to book for disabled club this week.

I had a nice pot of tea at the leisure centre and as it was still light, I biked over to the cliff, then down to the library where I got some but not all of the books I wanted, we only have a small library.
I need geography books, because quiz master has put me on the spot by making the whole quiz based on geography this week, he said he was tempted to say it was because that was what I wanted, I told him they would lynch me if he did. I would be sent to Coventry.
There has been an ongoing dialogue about this, because usually the quiz is heavy on soap and film stars and things that I don't know anything about, so we begged for geography questions.

Anyway, once I had libraried, I headed off for a bike ride down the front, the sea now calm and it is a cold evening, I came back as sunset set the sky on fire over the town and the hills, awesome!

And then home to do thou long awaited housework, and supper is on,

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well last night I went along to social, expecting a teeth-grittingly boring time like last week.

But actually it turned out good.

Although the poor visiting speaker was having a bad night, he had been called out to an emergency, had rushed to get back, his laptop broke, he borrowed one for the slide show he was due to present to us,
He got lost coming to find us, and the laptop he borrowed would not work with the slides.
So by the time he arrived, one of our group had got up to tell a story in the meantime, and the poor speaker came rushing in, tried to set the slide show up, found that he couldn't and was of course quite embarrassed, but we are a friendly group, so he ended up talking to us without the aid of the computer.

And after the talk we had the usual tea and coffee, and I am pretty sure the speaker was the same guy who I wrote a good report on a few months ago, he came over to talk to me, and he knew my name and was very friendly and keen to chat. I wish my memory was better, I think I wrote about one of his talks before.

Anyway, I was offered lifts home or asked if I had a lift home, but I like the time after social for a gentle walk home along the sea shore.

It was a cold clear evening, with a big and lively spring tide and the moon out over the sea, and the hills clear against the dark sky, I enjoyed my walk and came home, fell into bed and slept soundly all night and woke a bit late this morning.

A glorious sunny morning greeted me. So I got dressed, had some fruit and biked along the front, the big and lively tide was in, and I biked back and went to coffee morning.
Coffee is held in the church hall these days, and it is too noisy and echo-ey for me, and the hall was hot today as well, but all my lovely friends were there, making too much of a fuss of me because I was still sleepy-headed and muddled.

Eventually I came home and suddenly it is grey and raining outdoors.

Monday, 3 November 2014

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well earlier my neighbour was having a very noisy time with her friend and I was stressed, my landlady came round to tell us about notice, and the noise abated, thankfully.
My landlady said I looked wrecked and said I could sleep in the empty flat if it would be quieter but I declined, I only want my own bed and I don't think it would be any quieter anyway.

I got some paperwork and letters done and posted, then I had a bath.

Then I went to health and fitness, which I was in no mood for. But I weighed in ok, I have only lost a little bit of weight, but I have been consistently losing weight now for 6 or 7 weeks, slow but steady, and looking at my week, I am just glad I lost any weight at all.

I didn't stay after weighing, I am too tense, so I headed off, and ate a ham and cheese snack on the way home, cos tonight is eat anything night, although anything does not include bread or chips, which is fine by me, I have chicken in the oven, chicken is cheep you see.

I think I will go to social, but because it is the right thing, not because I want to, same as health and fitness, all I want to do is hide and cry, but I have to stay steady and go on living.

The heavy rain has cleared to a cold wintery night.

Monday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well seeing as I was up early this morning, I got the first bus to the big supermarket and did the week's shopping.

Then I came home and finished my breakfast with healthy bacon and eggs, I usually start with fruit these days, because my easophogus completely healed and I can eat fruit and even digest it these days.

After that I biked through the rain to the leisure centre, I got my swim in, and realised as I went for my shower that I had forgotten my deodorant, but thankfully the leisure centre is by the chemist and the doctor surgery, so I shot over there and got some deodorant and shot my repeat prescription form into the surgery, kill all the birds with one stone.

So I went to my gym assessment smelling fresh, the assessment was ok, I just did my usual routines, with a bit of observation, had two of my weights machines increased in weight, was told my arms are quite strong (good, I haven't lost all the gardening strength) and I had core exercises and free weights added to my routine. That's it until next assessment.

I biked home down the fast highway and it was slippery in the rain. I got home and have felt cold and sick from the amount of exercise, but that happens.

I am doing turkey fillets and jacket potato for lunch, and the flat is clean, the shopping done, lunch on, several hours of exercise recorded, all by midday.

The weather is still heavy rain and the sea is huge waves that the surfers are playing in.

Monday morning

Good morning,

05.15am and I woke just before 5.
I was wide awake so I got up.

I had been dreaming strange dreams.
I dreamed I was with some sort of social or support worker and they were mistakenly telling me that the best thing to do was to sign on and then book holiday from signing on, and I explained to them how flawed that plan was, they were trying to get me to think JSA was good, I think. I hope it isn't a prophetic dream, I hope to stay on ESA until I go self employed, because the Diocese have ensured that no employer would ever employ me.

The other part of the dream was that I was reading a book, and it was a very poignant story, about a girl, who lived by the Solent and was very badly hurt, in the dream the book was like 'So Much to tell you' which is the story of a mute and traumatized girl. But in the dream I also knew I had written the book.

Anyway, it is dark outside and pouring with rain, the flat is tidy and I have been drying some of my clothes on the cooker, otherwise they will be damp and make the flat damp for days.

The flat is very clean from yesterday's clean, but I have a lot of office work to do and a gym assessment at 9am.

Sunday, 2 November 2014

Saturday, a special Day


I am just going to look back at Saturday.

I woke at 5.40am and although I was so depressed I just wanted to go back to sleep, as is the way of things at the moment, I was awake and I got up.
I made tea and had a half-hearted clean up of the kitchen, it was dark outside and raining lightly.
I dressed, including my black sweatshirt and packed a light backpack.

Outside, the blue bike was dreaming on it's tether, dreaming of winning the Tour de France, and indignant at being woken, it stamped it's wheels and growled, but I reminded it that it is one of the privileged pioneers of Assistance Bikes, so it belted up and we set of through the dark and drizzle to the station.

I tethered the bike, told it it wasn't abandoned forever, and it just snorted. I crossed the station. It was now 6.15am, and after a riotous night of Halloweening, the town was quiet in the dark early morning.

I didn't have to wait for long, but sadly for me, even at that time of morning, the only other passengers who turned up were smoking.
One of the hazards of public transport for me is selfish idiots who smoke, because I can have an asthma attack from it, and there is nothing at all I can do. The other hazard, especially in the mornings and weekends, is people who use aftershave or perfume, and especially some brands or when it is over-used, it can cause me an instant allergic reaction. Good thing I had an inhaler with me.

Anyway, before 6.30, we were off on our way, and I watched as a vivid pale yellow dawn lit the gap in the clouds over the hills, it was stunning.
Soon we were at the terminal, and on the next leg of the journey, where the perfume allergy became a problem as someone near me was wearing something strong, thankfully the journey was only 20 minutes to the next leg, and there I grabbed a cup of tea and a bacon roll, being very naughty because I am not allowed white bread.

Then off on the longest leg of the journey, arriving in London at around 9am.

London. I have to admit, I can't help it, I love London. I really do, for all it's faults, I love it.

I remember two Londons, the one for years that was hot chocolate and skating and laughter before the diocese destroyed me and took the people who were part of that from me, and the other London, the streets of London where I was briefly, broken, traumatized, full of horror and trying ineffectively to escape the diocese and their continued violations of me.
Both of those Londons are mine, and are awesome.

I got off the train, and my first thought were the cafes nearby where we used to get hot chocolate with mallows, but I didn't stop for a hot chocolate. I walked down under the archway.
I bought a big issue from someone who was obviously not on drugs. Those who still have the privilege of being out there on the streets need money for their hot drinks.

I walked over the road, and there will never be a time, to the end of my life that I wont cross that road without expecting him to be there. But of course he wasn't. Only the memories and the swirling leaves, a ghost made out of ice crystals and fire embers, I jumped up on the marble stones and I looked around me, but there was no-one.

I hate to think of him in some lonely and spike-ringed London cemetery, no grave marker, so, as with all the heartache and horror, I avoid thinking about it and will think of him and the others immortally as they were, in my memory. I will always remember them, but most of all I remember the gentle giant who stood guard over me on the streets of London.

The funny thing about this trip to London was no boots and no walking stick, a bit foolhardy but my boots were still soaking wet from the rain the other day, and, I don't think I have put it in the blog but I have been getting away with wearing trainers sometimes, for short walks and because I am on the bike a lot, this has been since I started gym and the habit of biking to the gym in trainers has become a habit of sometimes wearing trainers, and now I am not on the streets and walking all day, my legs do not collapse like they used to, I am getting stronger, fitter, healthier, but going to London without boots or a stick was an accidental dare and it has left me aching.

Anyway, I had time, so I had a wander round some old haunts, I got up to the strand, and looked at the homeless people dotted about, but of course none of them were familiar, except one, who looked astoundingly like Pete the gangster but he wouldn't raise his head so I couldn't see.

If anyone in London ever took any notice of people, they may have thought I was a bit loopy, because on the Strand, there I stood, with memories flying round me, turning round and round, looking for what the Strand is in the evenings, the homeless feeding ground. I walked over to the triangle by the police station, and I remembered sitting there in my blanket, getting food, getting hit and shoved by men who wanted my place in the feeding line and my food, remembering the other men who defended me, Derek, Bob, Phil, and the Portugese Canadian man. I remembered the night I collapsed on the Strand and the outreach gave me the money and got Phil to go with me as far as the backpack hostel to make sure I got there. Phil said the outreach man was gay, but I doubt it.

Here's the song I used to sing as I sat quietly on the Strand with Patrick, youtube:

Still a lump comes to my throat, because it was my Hampshire I was missing, my home town and county. Back then I never imagined what would happen.

I went over to Temple, and I remembered Gerard and Phil, I hope they are both ok, I will never forget them. I looked at the Thames Waterbuses but the waiting line was too long, the waterbuses are part of the hot chocolate and ice skating London, and I would have liked a ride along the Thames but I would not be able to stand in a line for long without boots or a stick.

I went back over the bridge, I was getting photos as I went, a London memories photo shoot.
I went down to the London eye, and the merry-go-round, all part of the hot chocolate and ice skating London days, but sadly my merry-go-round was out of use, all barricaded up, and round the Eye was very busy.

I went on the underground to London Bridge, I remember London Bridge as a lifesaver, and the Shard as my friend. I used to crawl, barely able to walk, across London, using the Shard as my landmark, to get fed and looked after at London Bridge, and for the rest of my life, that is how I will remember the Shard, the marker of food and help.

London Bridge was busy, and I live in a rural town and am no longer used to the crowds of London and I got a bit bewildered.

I went back on the underground, and made my way up to Canary Warf and the DLR, and I played train driver on the DLR, I love it, it is like a little clockwork train set, and you don't see such curves and hills on train track anywhere else. It is part of the hot chocolate and ice skating London of long ago.

Eventually I went down to my destination and to meet my friends.

It was lovely to see everyone and we shared Mass together and then a lovely soup and bread lunch, and then we had an impromptu game of football because I started dribbling a football around, I am not supposed to play football and it has been so long that my body felt awkward but I think it is part of the road to recovery. I am suffering for it though.

But anyway, after that, we did some gardening, which is always a delight, I hope to return to the career that the diocese shattered and it is always good to do a bit.

Then for me, it was the end of the day, because I had something to get home to, and the others would stay on and enjoy fellowship and worship and a delicious supper but I had to go.

On I went, through the underground, onto the mainline and onto the long long journey home.

I got back to my town, and told my sulky bike that I would collect it the next day.

Then I hurried down to the seafront, where the bonfire carnival was in full swing, crowds of happy excited people, fire brands, glow sticks, sparklers.

I had plenty of time to orientate and settle myself on the beach before the fireworks began, the tide was almost in and the sea was playing up perfectly to the occasion, with a wavey but not too rough, foaming, roaring sea with the moon out over it.

The fireworks were out over the sea, and they were awesome, I did a good photo shoot and enjoyed it, before hurrying home through the crowds and falling exhausted into bed.

What a day! :) I am still aching but it was worth it.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well earlier I went to collect the blue bike. It was sulking and chewing the railings, snorting at passers-by and wailing unhappily about Being Abandoned!
So I took it for a ride along the front, and we were hit by a squall and got very wet.

I came home and had a nice bath, put the wet clothes in the wash and put clean clothes on, about time too.
And then I gave the flat a thorough clean and sorted a lot of junk and paperwork while I had the second Princess Diaries film on to watch.

The pelting rain stopped and I took the rubbish out and went to the shop and had a walk along the front, the tide is big and the sea was foamy and wavey, it has been like this for a few days, not wildly rough and smashing over the side, and not calm, just right, very seaside, I have been able to hear the sea roar from here over the last few days and it is so lovely in the moonlight with the tide in.

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Please excuse the lack of blog.
Friday was a tough day, trying to help a friend in crisis and dealing with more crisis of my own.
The yesterday was a long adventure, which I will do a feature blog on later.

This morning I woke after a long deep sleep, to find I had an upset stomach, and so I was running to and from the loo all morning, until it calmed down and I cleaned the neglected flat and cooked a delicious roast dinner. I think I do a good roast dinner, if I say so myself, it tastes awesome, the secret is, brush the chicken and roast potatos with a little bit of garlic and oxo and make the gravy from meat juice, vegetable water and oxo. Yum.
Sadly the shop had no merangue nests so I only have grapes and yogurt for dessert.

As you can imagine, I have not been to church today due to the upset tummy, and I don't really want to go to an evening service, I may have a swim and gym later and maybe a bath and doing paperwork, but I am not in a church mood.

The weather is grey with heavy rain, and I will shortly go and collect the blue bike from where it is crossly tethered since yesterday morning, I hope it hasn't bitten anyone.
The pink bike has been quietly returned to it's old owners.

I will tell yesterday's story later.