This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Hi peeps, excuse the delay in todays blog,
I have been a busy person.

Yesterday the library closed at 5pm and I went to sit in church.
I ate my supper rather early as I was hungry again.

Then as I was reading the notices in the church porch, as I had been too hot in church, a man was struggling to get a lady through the door in a wheelchair so I hurried to the rescue.
They were happy with that and told me they were there so the lady could teach the conformation group, I told them I didn't need confirming, I was too shy to ask if I would come in the hall for a cuppa but a man who knew me came out and asked if I wanted a cuppa. That man is a perpetual tea maker he, just makes lots and lots of tea in the church kitchen, I like people like that.
Several cups of tea later I was invited to sit in on the class, and when my friend from the bookshop came in to help with the class she looked surprised to see me but I explained that I was invited.

So I sat through the class, and it was good for me because I was having bad flashbacks on my own.
Then my friend invited me to the pub because she and her husband and friends were having drinks and an enviromental discussion there, so I tagged along and had a coffee.
afterwards we parted company and I wandered back to the sleeping place, the police walked past me without hassling me and the sleeping place was dark and quiet and I bedded down, I thought I was lucky and would have an early night but it all went wrong.

To my surprise a mysterious package was sitting on my bedding bags, on further inspection it contained shortcake and a pack of dolly mixtures, the dolly mixtures kind of narrows it down to a list of three suspects, thank you!

I had to get up and go to the loo quite quickly not long after settling down and managed to completely mess that up, and my jeans, and the zip on the sleeping bag broke.
Both my heavy top blankets were already out of action due to being soaking wet, and the lightweight top blanket was also quite wet, now with the sleeping bag zip broken and galeforce winds battering me I got very little sleep, the birds started yelling at 1am again and I was having hellish flashbacks and by 5am the galeforce freezing wind was accompanied by torrential rain, so the top blanket was soaked and blowing away and I was cold and tired, I had managed a few patches of dozing and that is all.
I was reluctant to get up into the miserable weather but I did, salavaging what dry bedding I had left, and stashing the bedding and off I went to McD's.

My money was through so I had my bagel with a cuppa and some juice.
Then I got my clothing pack out of the hedge and changed into clean clothes, went shopping and got deodorant and foam pads and other necessities and then settled down for a cuppa in the cafe.
The weather improved, sunny with a cold breeze.

I went to see the man at the computer shop and pay for my computer, he was very nice and we chatted and he let me pay a reduced price for the repairs, so here I am with my computer!

Then I went to counselling.
Counselling was ok, only I really struggled to know what the lady was asking me a lot of the time, but she was mainly gaining an understanding of my reactions to things, it was ok.

Then I went and asked the hairdresser man how much a haircut would be as my hair was so straggly and mucky, he replied 'cheap to you'. He is a nice guy, and he did my hair and chattered away as he did it, he charged £10 for a good haircut, I like him, he and the computer man have shops in the same row and they know I am homeless and they are nice and kind.

So off I tootled with a sparkling haircut and I stopped at the bookshop for a coffee before I caught the train and came to the happy bed and breakfast and fell asleep in a bed for a few hours and woke up with no pain or flashbacks.

I am in this town until tomorrow and I am meeting my friends here for the London weekend.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013

Hi peeps,
I went to the bookshop and was fed tea, and ended up sitting at the desk and watching the world go by outside the window, drinking tea, and greeting customers and stamping their books, or even helping them to find books.
It is a bit of a drop-in place, and there ended up being tea and birthday cake for someone and a number of people were crammed into the office. I was happy drinking tea in the shop and reading lots of tasty books.

And then I wandered back here.

The weather is dry and not too cold. It will remain this way overnight, there is still a bit of wind though
I was given some lunch at the shop and told to save my packed lunch for supper. Well that is me fed until my money comes through, but I have no cups of tea until tomorrow unless someone kindly provides one.
Good morning you peeps you,

Last night when the library closed I went to church and cuddled the radiator, I fell asleep on the radiator and burned my arm, woke up an hour later wondering if I had disturbed anyone by snoring or talking in my sleep as I had had a lot of dreams. I had dreamed about a familiar lady coming up to me and and saying hello and getting my name wrong and various things.
Anyway I felt sleepy and headachy. So I fell asleep again and woke after another hour with a very burned arm and had horrific flashbacks.
The church was about to close for worship but the choir had said i could sit in when they got there and so I was given a key, and I waited for the choir, they arrived and made me welcome though they couldn't make me a drink as the kitchen was locked.
So I sat and read my book and charged my phone and listened.
My phone rang and it was my friend and she asked how the flashbacks were, I told her that they were settling down and I had a tummyache instead.
I will be meeting my friend on Friday for the London weekend.

I stayed until the choir were leaving and they kindly swiped some matches from the vestry for me in the hope that I could light my stove in the stormy weather and heat some soup.
I walked back out into the raging weather and staggered up the road, my belly hurt as well as burning as if there was an ulcer. My legs would hardly hold me up and I was dizzy and the wind was trying to knock me over. Then a car pulled up and someone shouted me from the car.

The someone was someone who knew me vaguely and who I knew vaguely and she offered me a dry bed for the night, I asked if she had a dry floor instead and she said yes and so I leaped aboard and off we went.

When we got to her house she asked lots of questions about homelessness and did me a cuppa and a chicken and rice dinner, which was highly welcome and dead yummy.

Then she showed me to my room, she had put a thin foam matress on the floor and there was a firm pillow and a very thick cuddly duvet, those of you who know me know that I love to cuddle things, especially duvets and cushions and soft things, and this duvet, though not very big, was very thick and cuddly, so I tucked down and tried to sleep.
At first I couldn't sleep as I had disrupted my sleep pattern by sleeping in church.
But then I slept, all safe and warm and dry in the thick soft duvet.

I woke in the morning feeling very hot but not sick from heat, I got up and my hair was wild from sleeping on wet hair. I was invited to have a shower and so I did and came downstairs all clean and was offered breakfast, I had some  tea and toast and the lady made me a packed lunch including some Christmas cake! And she gave me some bus fare to get back to the town.

So here I am, sadly the burger van seems to have gone AWOL so I can't get a cuppa with my leftover bus fare. The burger van hasn't been here all week and I miss it, 50p a cuppa and they let me pay with pennies and tuppences if I have to.

It is nice to be clean and fed.

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Hi peeps,

Yesterday evening I went on the buses to keep out of the weather, it remained galeforce winds and torrential rain.
I went back to my sleeping place at 11pm but had to wait until 11.30 because for some reason it was like a weekend night with all the yobs and noise and the sodium lights on late.

It was cold, and I thought I would be as cold as the previous night but I arranged my blankets and managed to stay warm enough, I pretty much slept through the night, I dreamed I was with my friends, I kept seeing tractors pulling trailer loads of flowering plants and I was worried that one of the tractor drivers was someone I didn't want to see, then I was in a bed with a yellow and black bedspread and I was coughing and coughing and my friend was sitting with me, a rat came running out of the wall and I knocked it on the head with a tea mug. Wierd dream!

I got up reluctantly, I had not heard my alarm and so I was late, 7am, no money for tea or food. I had to rebag my bedding and sort out my clothes, I managed to do that less painfully than I thought, and I always dread opening the stashpack with my clothes in in case they are wet and mouldy but they were ok, so I changed my clothes so the usual ones could be washed, including the thermals wich quickly get smelly with sweat and urine, not that you wanted to know that.

It was boring waiting around in the rain, no hope of enough stickers for a cuppa. So I combed my hair and filled up my water bottle and waited.
Eventually I wandered into church a while but I wasn't going to mass, I borrowed the loo and tried to sort out my blanket-eye but was unsucessful, the cysts hide under the eyelid so you can't find them.

Eventually it was time for the community group and I went there and was relieved to get my cup of tea, and the next one and the next, and so on.
I popped down to the book shop with my wet blanket and clothes and wandered back to the community group for lunch, I got my nails painted.
For lunch we had chicken burgers and hot dogs and soup, this is because there are no beefburgers in the shops due to the conflict, people are hiding their horses and thus there are no beefburgers.

After lunch I went to the bookshop. I was happy to help but it is a bit of a nightmare as it is so inclosed and there is this man with learning difficulties who is everywhere, especially blocking the doorways and trapping me and getting too close, and he doesn't actually do anything, I got very wound up but didn't actually panic, I am still wound up. At the end I was climbing the walls in distress needing to get away from this guy, the lady was going to take me to the laundry to get my top blanket dried but the guy wouldn't go away so I left as fast as I could.
God, peeps I need some space!!!!!!!!! I feel like I can't breathe!

The weather remains very wet and windy indeed.
I have no food, no hot drinks, nothing now until thursday, I will sit and listen to the choir this evening until 9pm but then I have nowhere to go until late and in this weather!
grump grump.
Oh and by the way, I think I have another ulcer. I am sure you didn't want to know that and neither did I. It is not a good thing. And this time it feels lower down. :( killer ulcer, just wait till I start coughing blood. Fun.

Monday, 28 January 2013

Hi peepys,
My mood score is 15.

I went to the bookstall to see my friends and I ended up sitting in the office and drinking tea and reading books.
I made a round of tea and coffee and now I am a volunteer. I do my first shift tomorrow after community group.

My friends gave me some money so I went and got a chip butty and then I went to MIND, on the course at MIND we looked at triggers for distress and action plans for controlling some of the triggers, we haven't looked at the worst triggers such as church yet.

After MIND I went back to the bookstall and had more tea, my friends said they can wash some of my clothes tomorrow.

It is raining and here I am, I have more new books at the moment,

Hi peeps,
I survived the weekend but it was a bit of an endurance test.

On Saturday there was nowhere to go after 4pm, no church open, nothing, and it was torrential rain and galeforce winds.

I spent most of the time in the bus station or in the train station, reading and trying to stay warm and fairly dry.

It was a long long evening, I got enough stickers for one cuppa early on, and later I used my last 40p for a pack of crackers from the cheapo supermarket and had those for supper.
Eventually 11pm came round and I was able to go back to my sleeping place.
The rain and galeforce winds meant that my top blanket was very wet and kept nearly blowing away but I stayed dry and woke early on Sunday morning and got up, I looked for stickers, I needed one more but couldn't find any.

I went to church and went through the usual demoralising rubbish from the usual silly old grey people about how I should go in a hostel and then everything would be alright. They haven't a clue! The hostel in this town, according to the police, is full to the brim with troublemakers and dangerous people, so how does she think it would help me, if there was even a place there?
Anyway, I was annoyed and upset to be greeted with such rubbish and so were a few other people who knew me and overheard.

Anyway, people who knew me helped me to settle down and calm down and mass was ok, what should I be doing? avoiding church, what am I doing? going to church and being aggravated.

Anyway, after mass I got my first cup of tea of the day, and second and third.

Several people were talking to me about the problem when I came into church and asked how I was progressing and I told them. One lady came and said she thought there might be a sunday lunch programme running today because some of her litterpick volunteers may be away doing that, I told her that I didn't think the Sunday lunch programme was running yet, but I could come and help litterpick if she would like.

So she asked if I would like to come home with her and her husband for lunch before litterpicking.
Her husband was the one leading the group the other day.

So I went to their house, they like tennis, and Andy Murray was playing gamely but losing to a better player.
For some reason they kept showing pictures of Andy Murray's feet being tended to, yuk, why would we want to see that? yuk!
Anyway, the cure for blisters is, burst them with a disinfected pin, disinfect them and forget them. I know that from experience.

Anyway, we had a nice lunch, roast vegetables and rice, and upside down cake for pudding, oh yum! And my stomach said thank you as it was my first proper meal for 24 hours.

After that we went litterpicking and did a good two and a half hours of that. Keeping the neighbourhood tidy.
Then we went back and drank tea and watched television and then we went to evening mass.

Then I was back out in the wild, at least it was 7pm and I found a sticker so I had enough for a cuppa and stayed in McD's until 8.30pm, and it was cold but not raining, so I sat on the station and did a crossword puzzle until 11pm, still a long cold wait but not as bad as saturday. I had tried to set up my stove and sit in my blanket but I couldn't find a lighter in all my things.

I bedded down but my top blanket was too wet to use, so i had to leave it and make the blanket pile without it, and I wasn't really warm enough, the top blanket is specially selected to trap heat from the whole blanket pile and keep it in.
So I dozed and slept lightly and rearranged my blankets, it was a cold night with a hard frost.

I woke and miserably scrambled and packed up my bedding.
I looked for stickers in the bin and couldn't find any.

I went to the cafe and read my books, my friend came along and other people came along, but at the end when they were leaving I overheard my so-called friend and one of the old grey church women gossiping about me, shame on them! If you can't say it to my face then don't say it at all! pathetic!

Here I am, the forecast is bad and I have my course at MIND to go to. And I will go to the bookshop and see my friends there.

Saturday, 26 January 2013

Hi peeps,
I am offline until monday in a few minutes.

My headache thankfully faded out, pretty much. I am kind of tired and my hair looks like it hasn't been washed for a week. I am going to have my bath at my friend's house soon. I look homeless these days, all tired and mucky.

I had a good lunch at the community group and got a few books from my friend's bookstall to keep me occupied tomorrow.
I have a few pounds left for hot drinks and my supper and I have a very long evening to survive once the library closes at 4pm. And it is going to rain again. The church will be closed as well.
And then there is tomorrow, Sunday, the longest day in the world with no money for food or drinks and nowhere to go.
My mood score is 21.

I got so warm that I took my thermals off, for the first time in ages, I am still more than warm enough without them, 8 degrees is my ideal temperature.
Hi peeps,
Yesterday when the library closed I went and moved my bedding into the porch because rain was on the way.  Then I used my last 65p to get a small loaf of tiger bread which I ate as my supper.
Then I went to church, the church was closed but there was a man  there who recognised me and said Icould come and sit in on their meeting and have some coffee. So I did and the weather turned really bad during the meeting

At the end of the meeting the man gave me some money and told me to get some hot food and drinks and go on the buses to keep out of the weather, so I did. He was a nice man and he said they prayed for me.

I went on the buses and sat in Subway with a drink and a hot snack, lots of drunk people were in and out of subway, my friend phoned back and we talked.

Eventually I was safely back at my sleeping place and it was dark and quiet. The weather was still wild but my bedding and porch were dry, I tucked down. The wind asked if it could steal my top blanket and I said no. Luckily the prevailing winds don't blow into the porch, the wind blows alongside or away from the porch so apart from a few flurries of rain blown in when the wind turned, I stayed dry and warm.
I was asleep very quickly and slept soundly through the night and only woke when my alarm went off. I still have the dread feeling when I wake, I don't want to get up. But I dragged myself up, packed the bedding and stashed it, and used the shewee successfully.
The wind had died down and it was a damp and mild morning. I stashed my fleece jacket with the bedding as it is warm enough without it. The bedding had remained almost completely dry despite the weather.

I wandered to McD's for the usual as I had enough left from yesterday.
I was going to go to mass but decided not to.
I met my friend, her leg is really bad, she said I could have a bath later, we will be at the community group together later so I will go home with her after that. I will have lots of tea and a nice lunch and a natter at community group.

I had a wash, litterpicked behind church and came here.
I will be offline tomorrow as there is no library tomorrow and my little computer is in hospital still, it is completely repairable and nothing will be lost, but it will cost £55 to repair, if I had the money they could have it fixed on monday but as it is I will have to wait until I get my benefits on Thursday. At the moment my money is spent before I get it, counselling, psychology, boots, orthotics, computer, etc, all essential. The computer is my lifeline and these library computers are not brilliant and no replacement.

Yesterday the man and his wife at the meeting said I can help out on their charity book stall, I am happy to help. :)
It is a mild sunny day, and the 5-HTP is kicking in and helping my mood.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Hi peeps,
It has been nice to get emails from some of you. Keep chatting, I love a natter.

I have been for several cuppas since I saw you, but the money is nearly gone now.
I had some random teenager saying she liked my jeans and where did I get them? hm.
I found one of my favourite books in the library, Steven King's 'Insomnia'.

My mood score is 25, the highest score since I started doing the mood chart. I do feel kind of ok, comfy and sleepy, the bad memories are beyond me for the moment. I am extremely headachy though, the headache is ignoring any form of painkiller.

I phoned my friend as she hasn't been in contact and I chatted to her and she is going to phone me back.
I rarely phone anyone but I have had a lot of missed calls in the last 24 hours, I wonder who from.
The temperature is about to go up, and the rain is returning.

Hi peeps,
These library computers are awful. You get an hour on the computer but when you log in it takes ten minutes to register you and then a few minutes each time you try to find a website. By the time you are all set up you only have about 20 minutes left.

Yesterday after I finished my computing I went to get a cuppa from the burger van, it was cold outdoors.
My friend went past on her bike and told me I was welcome to pop round for a bath if I wanted.
So I went to get my lunch and then went to have a bath. I met another old friend as I walked, she said she had been worried for me in the weather. I assured her I was ok. She is sweet.

My friend had made sausage rolls and she offered me one, she was very hyper and her partner said it was because she had drunk a whole bottle of cherry vodka. He was sitting there with his friend and they were drinking endless cans of beer. They are ex-homeless.

I had a good bath and my friend washed my smelly old thermals and my knickers and socks, she accidentally put it on a long wash instead of a quick wash, and I fell asleep on the sofa while I waited.

I woke up all groggy, I had already been a bit headachy and I think that was caused by the stress of Wednesday, but now I was really headachy.
My friends did me a cheese sandwich and a cuppa and gave me my clean clothes, I was very grateful to them but happy to flee as they were getting a bit bickery with each other.

I went to the library for a while and then I went to meet the counselling lady. She was a nice smiley lady and she said about encorporating some anger management into the counselling. She thinks I will be ok to be counselled I think.

When I left there it was about 8pm so I wandered into church and cuddled the radiator and adored God.
The church closed at 9pm and one of the other worshippers slipped me a £5, he does that sometimes and he doesn't look at me or say anything and he walks away as he stuffs the £5 into my hand, I like him, he is a nice old man.

Because I had £5 I could go on the buses and be off the street and out of the cold, so that was good, I rode around on the buses and went down to the port and used the loos there.
I got back late enough to go to my porch in peace and tucked into my blanket pile and was asleep as soon as my head touched the backpack.
I slept deep and sound until almost 5am when I needed the loo and my head was hurting so much as well.

I stayed in the blankets until 6am and got up in the dark beautiful morning. I stashed the blankets and went to McD's for the usual breakfast, and some co-codamol and neurofen.
My friend is sick so no one is at the cafe.

I sat in the shopping centre a while, then I went and had a wash and went to church.

What am I supposed to be doing for the sake of my health? avoiding church! What did I do today? went to mass. Naughty me!

I was ok in mass, and afterwards I drank tea with the usual people. Then I ended up sorting milk bottle tops for recycling with some of the church people.

And here I am.
It is cold outdoors.
I went to the post office and withdrew my last £4.40 and the lady tried to interest me in a credit card, since I had just withdrawn the last of my money from a very basic account indeed she should not be trying to get me a credit card! humpf.

Thursday, 24 January 2013

Hi peeps,
I have almost no time to write. The library computers are limited and crash all the time.

Yesterday I wandered in my daze, from the library to the coffee shop to the soup run, the guys waiting for soup run were quite nice and made me welcome.
Soup run was funny, we qued round and round a bus shelter while the soupies were in the bus shelter handing out.
After that there was a meal at a church and the minister said we needed food for our souls as well as our bodies.
Then I caught the trian back and got home in the dark silent night and bedding down all warm and comfy, slept till 2am, got up and made a mess of going to the loo, bedded back down and slept without distress or terrors until 7.45am!
My friend is sick so she wasn't at the cafe, I had a McD's breakfast and came to the library after my wash.
I can barely write the blog because of the computers, I need my computer back!

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Hi peeps,

yes it was ok, it was good.

The main problem is trauma. There is nothing else to declare but the combination of trauma with Asperger Syndrome. So there!

I am trauma, the end.

I have been wandering in a daze, thinking about cups of tea. I am gonna be in a daze for daze peeps, please send lots of tea. And maybe a cake or two.

The psychology clinic may be able to find a bursary so that I can continue psychological treatment at a reduced fee.

Seeing as the local homeless daycentre want to adopt and feed me, and I may be able to get treatment here, I may have to find a spare porch and adopt this town.
I don't think there is a spare porch. :) I am back among my kind here, it is homeless central. :)
I stayed in the library until 7pm and the weather remained wet and cold, alternating heavy rain and wet snow.

When the library closed I came back to my home town for a while, and sat and cuddled the radiator in church while the choir practiced.
Then I went back out on the buses to keep out of the weather and had a cuppa in McD's.
Eventually I went to my sleeping place. My blankets were dry and I was sheltered.
I slept till 2am, got up needing the loo and then wasn't sleeping heavily but having terrors and nightmares.
I slept the last hour and woke not wanting to get up.

I got up and had a quick breakfast at McD's and caught the train, I am here, due to have my psychological assessment at 2pm, I stopped at the daycentre and grabbed some curry and tea, they want to keep me, they want me to come back, they are sweet.

eek, I am dead scared about this assessment, I hope I can communicate effectively.

Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Hi peeps,
I just went out to see if I could find any blankets at the chattery shop. The Sally Army had a load of double wool blankets for £3 each so I got one.
I hope my bedding didn't get too damp before I rebagged it.

I got a cuppa while I was out.
The heavy rain turned to sleet and then thick wet snow.

I realised I had lost my rosary yesterday and hurried to the bed and breakfast to see if they had seen it, but they hadn't.
I went to the station but my train was cancelled.
I got the next train but arrived late for my appointment with MIND.
Never mind, we went ahead with the appointment anyway.
It was ok, we looked at how to keep me stable through ups and downs.

As I walked back I met a friend and she invited me home for a bath and I absentmindedly said yes, as I normally never turn down the opportunity to bathe or shower.
So I went and had a thorough bath and then they did me a bacon and cheese roll and attempted to glue my boot back together where it has come apart, they have been successful so far as the boot is holding together.

I can't remember what happened after that, I think I sat in the library and read books.
Then I used my stickers for a cuppa and the last of my money for a chip butty for my tea.

I went to check on my blankets and despite being buried in the snow they were all dry!
I moved them over to the porch as no one would be around, then I went to church to shelter and pray.

When I went in church it got chaotic, a woman had lost her phone and was in a flap,  I felt helpless, but she got someone from a meeting in the church room to come and help and she found her phone, I asked the lady from the church room where I could leave a thank you card for the poverty charity and she said the lady from the poverty charity was going to be there and she could hand it to her. Then she invited me to stay and sit in on the meeting.

I sat in and drank tea, they had worked out that I was homeless, I think they knew or had seen the card I did for the poverty charity.
It was funny but rather embarrassing to overhear an old lady shouting in what she thought was a whisper to someone who had just come in 'DONT LOOK NOW BUT THAT WOMAN HAS COME IN OFF THE STREETS TO SHELTER'
I kind of objected quietly because I had actually not come to them for shelter but had been invited to sit in on their meeting when I had come to go int othe church. But one of the other women who overheard the old lady said to me 'It's ok, she is old, we will all be like that one day'.
Haha. I am cranky enough now, what would I be like if I got old? :)

Anyway the meeting was fun, we had a presentation on the shoe box appeal and then all kinds of things to discuss.
Then off I wandered into the cold.
Most of the sodium lights were off so I thought I would get an early night but I was in error, a load of drunken idiots came along and were shouting nearby, I absolutely hate the fact that in the long dark winter nights I am up later than I am even in summer because of that dirty little pub and it's louts.

Eventually I settled to sleep, but it was a night of light sleep, the first night back in the cold, and even with all the blankets and handwarmers I was not quite warm enough, my left leg and foot wouldn't warm even wrapped up and with a handwarmer. Thats odd. I was in full thermals but it was well below freezing.
I dozed and woke through the night and had nightmares and flashbacks.

In the morning, as ever, I was now warm, and sleepy, and in danger of oversleeping, and I had terror dreams about being found.
So I got up, stashed the bedding and wandered into McD's.
My money had come through, though I have to be careful with this lot of money as I have the psychology assessment an hour's journey away tomorrow.

In McD's I had my bagel and tea, and looked out the window at the beautiful cold dawn.

Then I went to the cafe and joined the gang, who were thin on the ground but they treated me to tea and toast and I sat and drifted, I am so much more out of it at the moment and the lack of sleep last night doesn't help.

Eventually we broke up and I went to the library for a while, the computer is well and truly broken.
I went to join my pals at the community group and we had a lovely time, lots of tea and chat, and I got my nails painted. We had lunch, and it started snowing, the snow turned to sleet and then heavy rain.

After the lunch I went and had my wash and took my meds, which I had ommited to do before.
Then I got some black bags and rebagged my bedding as it was now raining heavily.
 I also put my computer in the repair shop - more expense! They charge an affordable fee to work out what is wrong, then they will ask me if I want to go ahead with repairs or if it will be not worth the cost. I do not know if I will be able to afford repairs, I have to hope and pray.

Then I caught the bus and came to this library, registered and I am on a library computer.
Heavy rain is forecast but at least it is warmer.

Monday, 21 January 2013

I am seeing a counsellor on Thursay evening to see if I can cope with counselling.
Mood score is 14, I think that is due to last night.
Good morning peeps,
Yesterday afternoon I went back to the bed and breakfast and just rested, watched some television and chilled out, had a shower, read my book and did some psychology work on the computer until it crashed.
Yes I am computerless, how am I writing this? magic!

I got some reduced stuff from the supermarket for my supper.
Eventually I slept but I was tense and I had dreams that left me awake and distressed in the early hours.

After a few hours I slept again and overslept, I had overheated despite opening the window and sleeping in a teeshirt.
I ran downstairs thinking I was going to miss breakfast but the lady smiled and said good morning and got me a nice breakfast and I drank most of the jug of orange juice as well as several cups of tea.
I wanted to stay but I am out of money now and tomorrows money is for the psychology test.

I checked out of the bed and breakfast and as I walked away I choked and was sick. I think this is due to the bad night and the sudden load of juice and tea and breakfast when I had just woken. I am ok now, I am on a library computer and I have to get back to the home town for my appointment later.

It is cols with snow flurries, the snow makes me dizzy.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

My mood score is 21, again, and it is snowing :)
snowman, snowman, snowman.
I like it when I see teenagers playing in the snow.
It means they can let go of cares and worries and be kiddies again.
Hi Peeps,
I am sitting on the bed and watching 'Sister Act' on tv,
still love it.

Last night I slept, and woke from a sad dream, I think I had several sad dreams but the last one was about crawling up a snow covered hill with my brother, we had backpacks on and it was hard work, but when In stood up the backpack seemed light. My dad was watching us out of the upstairs window of a house, he smiled and I grinned back and then remembered he is dead.

I woke up, 5-HTP can help encourage vivid dreams. So far I the 5-HTP seems to be helping, it acts quickly, I don't feel happy but I can cope. The Apple Cider Vinager is upsetting my system and making me itch but I will persist.

Anyway, I wandered downstairs and hoovered a breakfast and then wandered off through the falling snow.
I wasn't going to go to church but I peeped in the door of a church nearby and the minister was doing a sermon and he saw me and roared 'come in! welcome!' and just for that I wandered in and listened.
The service was ok, the minister loves his church, loves people and treated the congregation as if they were all his dear family. I was dead impressed, and he came and chatted to me.
I have to be careful with my identity here though because the woman who has inflicted the single most damage to me in my life haunts this area and the churches, but no one here knows me.

Anyway after a chat and a coffee I wandered off through the snow and ice, I found food in the soopermarket and eventually it was so cold and boring that I came back ere. I am here for tonight and then it is back to grim reality.

Saturday, 19 January 2013

Hi peeps,
are you busy reading my blog?
You can email me and say hello if you like.

I am in the bed and breakfast, I have almost been watching the television,
I have a feeling that I do have ADD and that would explain a lot,
I have been blaming my inability to focus on depression and trauma,
but looking back, I think one of the reasons I have struggled is because I can't focus.

Peeps I am going to sleep in a minute, please pray no bad dreams and that I wake up early enough.
I am going to see if I can stay here tomorrow night, that will continue to keep me away from the aggro and give me a break while I wait to hear from my friends who said they would store some of my things, I am going to clear my things out of the store hedge.

I went for a walk downtown and through childhood memories when I finished reading my book.
Then I went and got reduced things for supper from the supermarket, supper for £1 that isn't chips is good.

The ground is treacherous with ice.
Hey peeps,
This morning I wandered out of bed slightly overheated but in well enough time to recover completely with the first cuppa.
I couldn't put weight on my leg at first.

I went down to breakfast and the happy man was on duty and he did me a nice breakfast.
Then off I went to look at doing some dreaded shopping.

I went to Holland and Barrett and they had the 5-HTP in stock so I got some and they were doing a sale where you can get one product for a penny when you buy another product so I got the 5-HTP and some apple cider vinager because I have heard that helps with GERD.

Then I got some more fuel tablets for the stove, as I found out yesterday the outdoor shop here sells fuel all year round.
Then I went in the supermarket, I got some reduced stuff and a book I wanted, the book was at a very good price, it is called 'wonder' and it is about a boy with a deformed face, I have wanted a copy of it but I haven't been able to afford it.

I sat in the library and read for a while and then came back here to the Bed and Breakfast, it is still cold and snowy outdoors but that is because it is winter.

Friday, 18 January 2013

Hey peeps. Not a single person has contacted me to ask if I am ok in this weather.
Either I am unloved or they have faith in me or they have read the blog.
Hey peeps,
I slept for a few hours but the dreams upset me a lot.
So I got up and had a cup of tea, and then another and then another and so on.
Then I continued my psychology work online.

Eventually I wandered to the shop to get a pint of milk, not enough cash left for supper but enough for a pint of milk and a packet of crisps.
I am glad I am not out on the streets this weekend, I need a break from drunken noise and danger.
When I got to the shop there was an addict who tried to beg off me, I told him off as I can, even if it seems unchristian, because these guys beg of lone females who they think will feel sorry for them, but I know what an addict looks and sounds like and I hate the thought of them getting money from innocent people who think they are helping them.

I got milk, as I walked back I could see that the buses were running again and trains are running a reduced timetable.
Earlier buses stopped running and a man was cursing them at the bus stop.
The snow is thick ice and slush on the pavement but it isn't cold. The roads are clear and some drivers are looking and sounding really silly with snow chains on their tyres, this is England for goodness sake! It snows for three days a year and the roads are gritted!

Here I am, drinking tea.
Tomorrow I am going to look at getting one of these natural depression remedies. And my psychology appointment should go ahead on Wednesday next week.
I must remember to go to my recovery programme on Monday, please remind me :)

Hey peep peeps,

My mood score is 22, which is higher than my average of 21.3 and better than yesterdays 18, but these scores are out of 100. Humpf. And my mood is up because of the snow.

This morning I decided that seeing as the snow has closed the world down and I have been through a rough patch recently and this bed and breakfast is cheap and is good for the price and comfortable, I would stay on for a few nights.
There was no sign of the nice man this morning but there was a nice lady instead, she cooked me some breakfast and commented on the weather as the snow fell thickly outside the breakfast room window and so I asked her if I could stay on if I gave her a deposit and she said yes.
I had a lovely breakfast, left my things in the room and went to get the rest of the money.
I got the money and so I have the room until Sunday morning now.
It is an unheated room but it isn't cold, it is just right, the bed is firm and the pillow is firm and I didn't suffer any pain or illness as a result of sleeping here last night, there is loads of tea and the shower is lovely so this is good.

Anyway, I went out into the snow this morning, I couldn't persuade myself to wear a hat or gloves or my top jacket, it didn't seem cold.
I went to the library and had a browse, and realised I felt like I was on holiday.
I went round the shops and I noticed that the trains were still running, slowly and carefully, some delays and cancellations.
The road into town was closed and I walked along it as it was safer than the pavement - for me anyway, I think the ice on the hill was dangerous for the cars.
People were building snowmen and a snow lady with a waist and a bust! :)

I went to the coffee shop and was served by a delightful young man who was very nice and gave me extra hot chocolate and chatted about the weather. I sat and read the papers and realised how quiet it was.
Yes, town was an autistic person's dream, the snow made what traffic there was quiet and it was quiet and uncrowded and peaceful and cool and beautiful, I had a lovely time daydreaming round the shops and I went to the supermarket and got a reduced cheese and salad roll for 50p and some reduced cake for 50p so that was a nice lunch and I ate it at the top of the multi-storey car park, looking out on the snowy landscape.

The only thing I didn't do was build a snowman, well I haven't yet.
I have been too tired to do much, even though I slept well and am fed, I don't feel very lively and I am back at the bed and breakfast now and I will go to sleep in a minute for a while.

Following the advice of people on the psychological support forum that I now use, I am going to try some natural remedies to help combat the depression.

Good morning peeps,
outdoors is white.
Snow falling thickly and settling deep and crisp and even, kind of.

yesterday wasn't a good day, and in the end I caught a train and came here, I knocked on the door of a bed and breakfast and a happy voice shouted out, I asked for a room and the happy voice let me in, the happy voice belonged to a happy man in his dressing gown at the reception desk and he gave me a room, it is a nice room because it isn't hot, and there is a good shower in the nice bathroom, so I showered and drank tea and went to sleep.

This morning the snow is so thick that no one is going anywhere.
so I wonder about me, I had better employ myself building snowmen on car bonnets.

Thursday, 17 January 2013

Am I beyond redemption?
My mood score has gone up from 10 yesterday to 18 today, eek, I am not much good am I peeps?
Morning peeps,
Yesterday was a thin day with mainly biscuits to eat, the libraru closed early and I wandered around and found enough stickers for a cuppa at McD's, then I sat in church for a long time cuddling the radiator and I found a book on the rosary and how to use it for a personal journey, I found doing that quite helpful and I spent some quality time with God, which rarely happens at the moment and was great.

I went for a walk to kill time when the church closed, I walked alongside the boats and the water and eventually I went back to my sleeping place and settled down with my new blankets and all, I was tucked up all snug and I slept, I woke briefly at 2.15am but I slept again and woke so warm and comfy in the morning that I didn't want to get up.
Good thing I did get up, by 07.30 there were people nearby.

I wandered into McD's and because of the lack of food yesterday I decided it would be a good idea to have a more filling breakfast than the usual 99p bagel. So I got a sausage and egg muffin and orange juice and tea and a hash brown.
Then I went to the cafe, it was quite a busy time in the cafe today but I was just drifting about and daydreaming while everyone chattered.

Then I went shopping briefly, I got spray deodorant, handwarmers and new foam pads for walking, phew! the relief!

I have been warned that tomorrow is going to be snow along the line and I have an hour's journey to my psychology appointment which was originally due today but was postponed to tomorrow. :( please pray as I really need this appointment!!!
I like snow but not when it puts such an important appointment in danger.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

Hi peeps,
this last part of the thin time is the worst.
I had biscuits for breakfast, I had biscuits for lunch.
I ended up smelling so bad that I sneaked into the church toilets and tried to scrub up a bit.
I am halfway scrubbed and am wearing clean socks and cleaner knickers, I will continue to scrub up later but I am not sure how to get my thermals washed and my thermal leggings stink.

There was a funeral at church and I crept in afterwards and begged a cuppa, they gave me a nice cuppa and some cake but I felt a bit guilty for asking for tea.

It is bright and cold, close to freezing and it will be well below freezing tonight. But I have new blankets! :):) snuggle.

Hi peeps,
the library closed early yesterday and I had been doing psychological stuff online, I went to church and sat in there and was allowed to stay while the choir practiced, I was impressed by the choir and I also was cuddled up to the radiator and by a power socket so I charged the phone and computer a bit and read a bit of my book.
Then I started writing, writing the horrors that trouble me daily, usually I am too scared to write, so that is a breakthrough.

It was 9pm when the choir finished, so I was left with a few hours to kill.
I walked up to the train station, wandered around, used the loo there and brushed my teeth and filled my water bottle.
Then I went back to the bus station, someone had left a bag of cold roast chicken and it was fresh so I ate some of it. Don't do that at home peeps.

I sat and read papers out of the bin and found enough McD's stickers for a cuppa in the morning.
Eventually I went to bed down, there was already a hard frost everywhere, I bedded down hoping it would be ok but knowing it was cold and I still didn't have enough bedding, but I did fall asleep, sleept for two hours, adjusted my bedding, slept two more hours, got up needing the loo, went to the loo and redid my bedding and dozeduntil the alarms went off, again I wasn't completely warm enough but I also was not lying there shaking with cold.

Woke up in the beautiful dark morning, I had been having terrible dark flashback dreams but the morning was so cold and frosty and beautiful.
Got up and stashed everything and headed for McD's for the loo and to use my stickers on a cuppa, the first cuppa for many hours.

Then I went to the cafe and my friend had a blanket for me. Cafe didn't last long this morning and I went to the church where the lady from the poverty charity had three knitted blankets for me.
Well I will be warmer tonight, maybe, it is getting even colder and snowier at the moment :)

oh peeps, a thin time is bad, a thin time in the freezing cold is worse.
Tomorrow the money comes through and I will be able to buy many hot drinks and food. But at the moment I cannot even buy hand warmers or a bus ticket to help me cope with the long cold evenings and nights.

Tomorrow I also have my psychological assessment with a clinical psychologist who specialises in trauma and AS.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013

morning peeps,
I was falling asleep at my computer in the library yesterday.

When the library closed I went to church and cuddled the radiator and prayed, then the poverty charity were having a meeting so I wandered in there and they gave me a chair by the radiator and a kitkat bar.
After the meeting they made me a cuppa and said that one of them would help me look for blankets in the chattery shops tomorrow.
They gave me enough money for a night bus ticket and some food and tea.

So I wandered around on the buses and got a hot drink and then went to my porch and bedded down, with the new sleeping bag and jacket I was not freezing cold, but still not really warm enough.
I slept lightly for most of the night but had no dreams that I remember.

I woke in the dark early morning, wintry showers were wandering about but no snow had settled.
I had enough money to go to McD's and have my bagel and cuppa, and then I wandered to the cafe and met my friend.
The usual congregation didn't congregate in the cafe, only one other person turned up, so we had a quiet cafe, then I went to Mass and had a cuppa afterwards with the various people and then we went to look round the chattery shops for blankets, people must have been panic buying blankets as all we could find was a cot blanket, which will do for my head and shoulders. There are usually blankets and duvets.
Someone from church said she would bring some blankets tomorrow.

I went to the community group to see all me pals, and we had a nice social time and lots of tea and some nice lunch, then I had a chat to the old gardener at the church.

and here I am, to assure the eyups and the martians that I am not hiding out in a big snowdrift or dead of hypothermia. The weather is set to remain very cold and snowing and will be well below freezing tonight, be thankful for your warm beds, peeps. :)

Monday, 14 January 2013

Hi Peeps,

I just did a sanity test, this is a very long complex and accurate test of sanity which usually shows the same results as any professional test would.
Apparently I am sane but distressed.
I was surprised, it flagged up PTSD and depression etc. It really came out with some interesting and useful results and advice.

You know I have this compulsion to do psychological tests? well the people who hurt me so badly tried to force me to be diagnosed as insane and have me locked up because they didn't want responsibility. And so day and night I am screaming out that I am sane, but I have no voice, hence the tests.

Hi peeps,
I went to redeem my second voucher at the chip shop and got sausage and chips and a can of coke, not healthy but sustaining, and I have some chips left over for my supper.
It was pouring with freezing sleety rain and so I sheltered in the subway and ate some of my lunch there, as you know, I am no good at recognising people, so when a lady came by and said hi, I wondered who she was, especially as she had her hood up, she narrowed things down by saying she had been working in the church office and it was cold in there.
Anyway, I went over to MIND to start my recovery course, which went ok, same again next week. MIND made me a nice big cup of tea, which is enough to cure anyone.

Then as I left MIND I saw my friend as she hurried to a meeting and I went to the welfare and wailed miserably at them about being a wet blanket and they kindly provided a sleeping bag and a spare fleece and some socks and hat, scarf and gloves, and also some fruit juice cartons, biscuits and chocolate.

So I stashed the new things and came to the library. I feel tired now.
Good morning you peeps,
I hope you are wearing mittens and things.

Yesterday was a long boring day, as Sundays are, but it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
My friends found all their loose change for me and so I had enough for some tea and things.

When they dropped me off on their way to church in the morning I went and walked along the river wall, the river was swift and deep but not flooding now. Then I walked into town and sat in the coffee shop and read the papers. When poundland opened I got a packet of two handwarmers for hot water bottles at night.

I went to sort out my hedge, the rats had already started on my new food stash so I disposed of chewed stuff and put all the chewable stuff in my solid plastic box. I got rid of a lot of rubbish and sorted out my bedding bags, most of my bedding was wet, not good as it is going to be freezing and snowy.

It was a bit of a boring day walking round killing time, and I had to decide whether to save the last of the money for an evening ticket on the buses to keep me out of the weather and off the streets or whether to get hot supper and hot drinks.
In the end I decided on hot supper and hot drinks.

I spent some time in McD's just keeping warm and sipping tea, I also sat on the railway station for some time but there was an incident up there and lots of police, and then the officers who spoke to me the other evening came to chat to me, I don't really like being on chatting terms with the police but I suppose there is no harm in it. They just did their policemanly talk about me staying safe etc.
 Humf, look here you, I have been on these 'ere streets since before you lot was in ooniform so stop 'assling me ok?

Anyway, it was a long cold wait until 11pm when I could bed down. I waited mainly in the bus station in the end, reading my over-read book.
In the end I went looking for cardboard and found a box that I could use.
So I went back to bed down, all my sleeping bags were too wet, the only dry bedding I had was the small duvet and one of the honeycomb blankets, and it was a freezing cold night.

I bedded down in the porch. I put the cardboard down and put the small duvet on top of that, I stepped into a black bin liner that covered my legs and feet, and I put newspapers round my legs and feet. I put one handwarmer in between my feet, and pulled the sides of the duvet up around me. I put the wet sleeping bags, driest first, on top of me up to my chest, and put the honeycomb blanket round my head and shoulders, arms and chest.
I put the other handwarmer in the neck of my thermal top, I was wearing full thermals of course.
I put my hat, scarf and gloves on and pulled the honeycomb blanket over my face.
I warmed up as much as is possible in such circumstances.

I slept lightly on and off, sleeping in shifts and messing up the carefully put together bedding arrangement by rolling over. And at one point I needed the loo, so once I had made a mess of going to the loo, I bedded back down and then it started snowing.
I didn't care for the snow as I needed sleep, but I woke briefly some time later and saw a carpet of snow on the ground and on the trees and roofs.

I slept again and slept deeper towards morning, when I woke the carpet of snow had melted but sleet was falling.
I stashed my bedding and got some biscuits from the stashpack for my breakfast and some water as I was very thirsty, for some reason cold nights make me thirsty.
I walked into town wearing my hat, scarf and gloves.
I went to the loos and had a wash, it is always hard to take clothes off for a wash in cold weather.

All washed and smart I went to join the others who were congregating in the cafe. We chatted and nattered and eventually broke up for the day and I went to get a cuppa from the burger van as I had just enough for a cuppa there, and it would be my first cuppa of the day, at almost 10am!
Burger van man let me have my cuppa for free anyway.

The whole world says hello to me in the High Street, maybe I should move to somewhere anonymouse.

Here I am, in one piece, no frostbite, rested and fed just enough.
I have a voucher for lunch from the fish and chip shop.

Sunday, 13 January 2013

hey peeps,
I don't mean to be a wet blanket but my blankets are a bit wet, it is bitterly cold and due to snow, I have no extra jumper and no foil blankets, I have a very long cold wait until bed time :(

Today I have been killing time despite the ten commandments telling me not to.
good morning peeps,

Last night I slept very lightly, I have been sleeping like that a few tims recently, I remain slightly conscious through the night. And I was distressed. I managed to have sad lost dreams about my family anyway.
I need some eyupmeducks prayers really, they are good at that.

Eventually I got up and went to the loo and set up my office on the kitchen table, the dog who sleeps in the kitchen because he is disruptive was most confused by change of routine but I let him out and he wandered about outside, wandered about in the kitchen and went back to bed, he is confused by this.
Outside there is a stiff arctic wind.
My mood chart says I am 19% compared to 12% yesterday, which means I am theoretically 7% better. But those are shocking scores.  I have been looking into taking St. Johns Wort and I will ask MIND about that tomorrow. I daren't risk the harm that comes from taking prescription anti-deressants, I am struggling enough as it is.

It is 7.30am and no one is up, and we are going at 8.45am as they are at a church some distance away and the weather is bad. They are dropping me off at my 'home' town on the way.
I will have a long tough day with nowhere to go and very little money for tea or hot food. I have food in the hedge but no fuel for my cooker.

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Hey peeps,
My friends dropped me off in the cold dark rain this evening with a food parcel and £5 and some credit in my phone, so I hoovered some food and sat in McD's with a cuppa, and got a message from my other friends that they would be passing through in 2 hours and I could be rescued if I wanted to be.

So I agreed to be rescued as snow was coming in and I sat in the church and muttered to God and surprised the priest when he came to lock up, he was very nice and kind and stopped to ask if needed a chat and he said he would pray for me.

Eventually my friends came and I had a cuppa with them in church and off we went, out of the weather, there is a lot of flooding even up here.

Hey peepys,
I stopped throwing up eventually and have had enough liquids and food to revive me somewhat.
I have been released back into the wild, and apparently the heavy rain stops in a few hours and it simply becomes very cold.
I hope that some of my bedding is still dry at bed time.
I have a small amount of money and probably I will get a night ticket on the buses and wait until 11.30 when I can bed down in the porch. Please pray that I find stickers as I have a cup of tea now and enough to get a packet of hand warmers at poundland and an bus ticket but no more money than that.
This is the miserable side of homelessness.
Good morning you peeps,

Yesterday evening I was staggering along the road when my friend phoned. I never explain to you which friend is which but this is the friend I go to London with.

She heard about my plight and said she would collect me, it took her an hour to get to me and it was cold and rainy so I sat in the bus station and read a magazine.

When she came to collect me we went to the supermarket on the way back so it was late when we got home, I had a real cup of tea and a real cheese sandwich and went to bed.

I slept well but woke in the morning knowing I was ill.
I went downstairs but no one was around, so I got a glass of water, dehydration seems to be behind some of my house-sickness so I tried to drink water, my friend came down and made a cup of tea, but I couldn't drink it, I was sick of all the water I had drank, then I drank some more water and some tea and was sick of it.

It is tricky this sickness, I get dehydrated but can't keep fluids down, I need painkillers but can't take them as I am sick of them, I need food in order to keep the painkillers down but I am sick if I try to eat.

It is usually a question of plodding on with the water until some stays down.
And eventually water stayed down and I took painkillers, they stayed down, well half of them.
Then I had some toast and that stayed down, so the road to recovery started.

I am drinking water and feeling sick right now, the pain is the problem.

But I have had a nice bath and washed my hair.

Friday, 11 January 2013

I went for a walk around and managed to get to my store hedge and get some fruit in juice to eat as I was thirsty, I also found my bottle and got some water, and found my thermals, which are an essential as the temperature drops again.
I am feeling a bit wretched and disorientated.
Hi peeps,

I went to the welfare and looked suitably woeful and they patted me on the head and gave me bags of food.
They also gave me two vouchers so I could get meals at the chip shop..
I went and hid my food and got a chip shop meal, I was so hungry that I didn't mind that she gave me a battered sausage by accident.
The portion of chips was huge, too big even for a very hungry person who hadn't had a full meal in days.
And there was a can of soft drink included.

I went for a walk to eat my meal and had a nice walk through some wasteland that I have only ever seen from the train, my leg and my feet grumbled like mad at having to walk and I felt faint and disorientated, so I came back and sat in the church a while and then went and had my wash and my meds, better late than never.

Hi peeps,
I am feeling a bit tired and so I keep forgetting to update you.

Yesterday I used the dregs of my money to get somewhere, but I am sure you would approve.

I went and saw a man about a room.
But I got rather hungry as all I had for lunch was two chocolate bars and the rats had eaten my Christmas cake.
The man had tea and hobnobs at his house and I liked the room.
But then when I came back I was hungry and there was nothing in the bins in any of the towns, and I couldn't find a soup run, so I got hungry. I had no credit in my phone and it was cold and rainy and I was hungry, I emailed my friend with the last of my battery but my friend with the car was ill and couldn't collect me.
While I was waiting to hear back from my friends and sheltering in a corner out of the weather, two large polissmans came along and asked who I was and what I was doing, so I advised them on the matter and they radioed me to check my MPR and ECG in case I was trouble or a heart attack, when they were advised that I was boring they felt the need to do a policemanlike talk on hot drinks and sleeping bags etc and I listened and absorbed it and then off they went to look for naughty boys with alcohol and left me feeling  a bit shellshocked seeing as men in uniform have that effect on me.

It was too early to bed down and it was raining, I was not a happy person, I managed to squeak into the cheapo supermarket before it closed and get some rich tea biscuits with 23p in small change, haha.
I ate the whole packet, no wonder I am sick today.

Eventually after a nice walk, I went to bed down, no poliss around, and so I tucked down in my blankets and slept crankily, some deeper sleep some light sleep and waking patches.
Recently there has been an owl tooting around nearby, which surprised me, there hasn't been an owl here in the years I have slept here, and at first I wondered if it was a real owl and not just drunk people making a noise, but it is a real owl, and last night the drunk people were imitating it, badly. Hence the waking patches.
And for some reason, recently, the dawn chorus starts at 1am! Have the birds gone potty?!

Anyway, at a dark 6am my alarm clocks were going off, so I woke and was too comfy and so I dozed a while and worried as to how I was going to survive.
So I got up, and checked all the bins in town and found nothing.
Eventually as I sat in the shopping centre, my friend came to the cafe for her coffee and she got me some tea and toast and the whole world congregated to chat. Which is fun, it is better than tea hour because it isn't so much gossip as sharing news and chatting, tea hour was far too judgemental and gossipy.

Anway, I went to get a welfare voucher and I got it, and here I am waiting to go and raid the welfare stores.
And I don't feel very well, peeps. I got too hungry yesterday and got slightly hypoglycemic and my digestion is throwing a wobbly about it all as well, and my head is hot and I am sleepy. I need to be tucked into a soft nest.

Thursday, 10 January 2013

Good morning you peeps you!

I went to bed early last night because I was tired. It was not a good arrangement because it was too early to go to my porch and so I bedded down in my corner even though I knew it was due to rain in the early hours.
I woke up at 11.30pm, a man was having a pee the other side of the wall, I could hear him but not hear him, and his mate was making crude comments about penis size. Not something I want to hear! Anyway, they went and I got up as I needed a pee myself, and I watered the wall with my shewee. I am sure you didn't want to know all about this.
Then I moved into my porch. I found the last two handwarmers and tucked back down and was more warm and snug at last, as well as sheltered.
I slept but my dreams were sad and desparate and painful.

I woke as it was getting light, for some reason my alarms hadn't gone off.
I got up and went to McD's and had a bagel and a cuppa, then I went for my walk. I didn't walk far after last night and I stopped on a bench to remove my nail polish and cut my nails as they were getting messy.

Then I came back and sat at the cafe with my friend and had a cuppa.

Here I am, blissfully plugged into my music.
The mood tracker tells me that my mood is plummeting, I am certainly struggling with flashbacks and bad dreams but I can't see that the depression is worse than usual.

Wednesday, 9 January 2013

Hi peepys,
Earlier I helped my friend deliver island newspapers, just to continue to prove that my life is very random and varied.
Eventually we came back here and I returned to my daydreaming in the library.

When the library closed I went down to the church and borrowed their loo and busily did some adoration before wandering off, and walking about five miles.
The problem with the five mile walk was that my stomach got upset halfway and my leg was dragging.
Humpf :(
Anyway I made it back here with no accidents, exploded in the loo at McD's and here I am blogging.
The forecast is for worsening weather.

Hi Peeps,
Last night it rained and I wandered about but my friends happened to be around with a car and so I wandered into their car and came back to sleep on the rug last night.

This morning we have had breakfast and lots of tea and here I am, blissfully doing useful things like writing the blog and doing the mood tracker, which says that my mood is much lower than yesterday but I don't feel bad, I think it is just too early in the morning and my emotions haven't woken up yet.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Hi peepypies,
I caught the bus with my friend this morning, she was going into town to shop and I was wandering homewards.

I got home and the community group was running, so I had some fizzy pop and chatted to people and had my nails painted, as you do.
I had some lunch and was pleased that whatever was troubling my friend seemed a bit better, I thought I had offended her, even though she wasn't someone I got upset with at Christmas, but she told me that she was just having a hard time looking after her brother. She is a saint, it must be incredibly stressful for her.

Anyway, after lunch I went to have a bath at the flat of one of the group members, I had a bath and a coffee and a chat with her and her partner, they told me about their daughter who had been taken away from them at birth, which was sad.

Then off I wandered to my storehedge to get some spare clothes as my friend is going to wash my jeans later.
Then I went to the next town and have been peacefully sitting here listening to the radio on headphones and reading and doing onlinme self-help thingies.

The forecast is rain.

Good morning peeps,
I staggered off the rug all dehydrated and hopped to the loo,
and there was a cuppa tea waiting for me when I came back.

I have had some cuppa teas and some toast.

It is a mild day with no weather.

Monday, 7 January 2013

It would be so much easier for me and other people if I was more in control of my depression.
Well as you know, I am trying/waiting for the help.

I am at my friends' house, and have had the longest bath in history but that overheated me so I got a bit sick and had to med up. Had a lovely dinner even so, and here I am idly nattering to you.

There was no plan for me to be here today but there was my friend walking up the road after a meeting and I got borrowed. we got a lift here from someone.

I am sleepy but I want to do some typing.
please read these instructions carefully.
Good morning peeps.
I didn't sleep until 2am on Sunday morning and was up early as well,
I had my breakfast as usual and continued to get used to no church on Sunday.
I don't miss it all that much, it is just somewhere to be, and often a painful place to be.

So on Sunday I sat in the coffee shop a lot, read the papers, read some of a book.
In the afternoon I wandered off, wandered a lot, forgot it was Sunday and wondered what was happening in a church, well it was an evening service. I didn't stop and join in.
I got back late last night but not late enough to go to my porch. I went to sleep in my corner as I was tired, and it started raining at about 4am but onlky lightly, I was in and out of sleep and dreams. my blankets got a bit damp.
Got up at about 6am and went to McD's, then went for a walk with my radio.
Here I am.

Sunday, 6 January 2013

On Saturday morning my friend woke me from a dream, I was dreaming that my friend had capsized on rocks and texted me and I went to rescue her, her boat was flimsy and mine was strong.
I woke up and remembered she had been in a car crash years ago.

so my friend and I set off for London.
London was ok, with none of the stresses I had anticipated.
We had a good day and I got some gardening done.

I came home on the drunk train, which was almost empty due to people having spent all their money at Christmas.
I got to sleep at 2am this morning.

Friday, 4 January 2013

Hey peeps,

After the library closed I went to KFC, because they do surprisingly good coffee.
Then I went and met with my friends and here I am at their house, bathed and fed.
We will set off early tomorrow for London.
I am supposed to be going to London tomorrow, therefore I have moved towns because I am meeting my friends in this town tonight to go to London tomorrow.
I am sitting in the library dreaming about a house with a washing machine.
The weather is remaining mild and cloudy almost as if there is no winter any more.

Morning peeps,

Everything is very quiet in computer world, no emails, no blog stats.
I slept on the rug and woke up a bit groggy and hot.
Not sure I understand the living indoors thing.
do you all live indoors? Don't you get hot?
If you live outdoors then please don't steal my sleeping places or I will tip water over you in the night.

It's Friday and I don't want to go to London tomorrow.

I came here because the flashbacks and depression make me afraid of being alone sometimes. Not because I will do anything but just because I get overwhelmed.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Hi peeps,
I'm hungry.


Today after sitting in the library a while I swapped towns, the town a few miles down the road is a change of scene, and I went shopping briefly, including knickers as I was smelling, and I can't get away with washing and drying my knickers in the loos here.
So I did my shopping and had a wander, and then parked myself in the library where I am quietly sitting and working.

Earlier I heard a load of rubbish from someone.
A chugger trying to get money off me, to which my reply is 'I'm homeless'
So she tried to tell me a load of ill-informed nonsense about Shelter.
She tried to tell me that you can go to the council to contact shelter and that they help everyone except criminals and that there are lots of Shelter helplines.
What nonsense, and Shelter is ineffectual and of no use to me.
good morning you funny old peeps,
Well why are you reading my blog if you aren't funny old peeps then?
I forgot to do any New Years Resolutions. Good. Too late now!
I could quit smoking, only I don't smoke.


Yesterday I was extremely uninterested in computing and was glad when the library closed.
I went to the cafe and read the paper.
Then I wandered around and tried to make time pass, because they have changed the evening tickets on the buses so you have to wait until later to get a cheap evening ticket.
eventually it was time for bus rides and I rode around on the buses and stopped to get tea and put my thermals on as it was actually colder than forecast.
Eventually I wandered back to my bedding and as it was forecast mild and dry I didn't wait to go to my porch but slept in my corner in the blanket pile, tucked up snug and comfy I slept peacefully until the alarms on my phone went off.
Then I staggered into McD's for my breakfast.

Then I went shopping, I got toiletries and new foam pads and new orthotics, maybe walking will be a bit more comfortable now.
I sat in the corner of the cafe and grumped at the world while I waited for the library to open, my friend came in and waved hello but she sits in her corner and I was in a sitting alone mood.
I was talking to my other friend by text, she wants me to go to London, argh.
When I got up to go to the library she said hello and told me my article was in the church magazine.
Argh. Anyway, that is my third church magazine article about homelessness.
Why would anyone want to read about homelessness?
Anyway I stopped to talk for a minute and then here I am.

Last night was indeed mild and I was ever so warm and comfy when I woke this morning.
It is an exceptionally mild day.

My jeans stink.

Wednesday, 2 January 2013

Evening, peeps,
The week after next I start the course to help me recover from depression and trauma etc, and I also have the psychology appointment that week, after the other one next week was cancelled.
It is much easier having the psychology appointment in two weeks, and it is a cheaper appointment with a different clinic but still with someone who specialises in AS and trauma.
Please pray that this time nothing prevents me from getting the help I need.
I have just been out for a walk, bumping into people and sewing things back up after having such a bad patch.

I bumped into my angelic old friend and he asked if I had been writing and I said I hadn't, I asked how he was and he said 'close to death' which isn't a joke as he has cancer, but he told me that sad news that the man from church who had a stroke had passed away, and another lady from church is in hospital.

I went to get a cuppa with the last handful of loose change, but the burger man let me have my cuppa for free, and as I sat on the bench feeling tired and wondering if I could sit there all day, a dear Christian couple who I have known for years but rarely see, came along and offered a joyful greeting and we talked about the whole world and they offered me some money and this time I accepted, they used to offer me money in the days that I wouldn't accept.
so I have enough to get me through the day.

Some woman was trying to sell me a plastic flower as a 'lucky flower' but I told her I was homeless, she was trying to sell everyone this lucky flower and I don't know how she thought she would sell a plastic flower to anyone. She wasn't homeless.

I was feeling dizzy so I took some inhaler and sat for half an hour.
It is colder and wetter than the earlier forecast.

Good morning peepz,

Yesterday morning I woke up at 10am at my friends house, I hadn't even been drinking, I guess I was just tired. We had got home at about 1.10am on New Years day, just because they had been running a church service to see in the New Year, and I had to stay up because I wouldn't get much sleep with drunken revellers running about, so I went home with my friends after their service.
I went to the post office and the beach and loads of people were out, but not many were saying 'happy new year!' to other people as they used to.

I stayed at their house until lunch time ish and then they dropped me off in one of the towns to get a connection to wherever I was going next.
I went down to the ferry and got the ferry and the train and went walking for a few hours along the cliffs and the shore, lots of people were out and about but again they weren't saying 'happy new year!'

My legs were hurting by the time I headed back, and I arrived back in town by about 7.30pm, and found one more sticker and got a cuppa in McD's.

Eventually there was nowhere to go and nothing to do so I went and set up a camp, two sleeping bags and some handwarmers to keep me warm, and my little lantern for light, I lit the stove and cooked some soup and then some pasta and then I brewed some tea, I read a bit of my book and boiled the handwarmers.
Never get 'reusable handwarmers' if you are homeless, they last  30 minutes at most, are not very warm and have to be boiled to be reused, not much use to a homeless person, while disposable handwarmers last up to 10 hours and generate a lot of heat.

So I sat and had my supper and went back to my cavewoman roots, apart from reading my book, which is not a caveperson thing. I used up the last of my stove fuel, oh no! Arghh.

Then I went for a walk and eventually it was bed time.
I tucked up in the blanket pile, it was a cold night and it took me time to get comfortable but eventually I slept, I don't think I slept well, but I woke at about 7.40am and scrambled.

Was relieved to know that life returns to normal today and I have survived what is the worst week for any homeless person, Christmas week.
The problem was that I had no cash left and I had to wait until 9am to get my last £2.70 out of my post office account.
So I sat in the church garden a while and then went and reluctantly changed out of my thermals and washed myself.
Eventually the post office opened and I got my last bit of money (until tomorrow) and got a cuppa from McD's.
I wandered up the road but the place I wanted to go was closed so I went over to the cheapo supermarket to see if I could get some bargain food. I got four cheese topped rolls and some biscuits - yes, I bought biscuits, I must be ill.
It seems as if the whole church is in the supermarket at that time of day so I got comments like 'is that your breakfast?' - well, yes it is, and my lunch and supper! haha.

So I went back to see if the place was open and it was, it is a MIND centre, I like MIND, I used to go to them as a 'socially isolated person' because of my Asperger Syndrome when I was younger, but the MINDs in the other towns I have been in were often oversubscribed and couldn't help much.
This MIND is able to help, and they made me very welcome and put the kettle on, which is always a good thing, and registered me on a WRAP course, I hope it means they will wrap me in bubble wrap and put me in a quiet corner to snooze. No, I need help with the depression and horror, the recent depressive episode has scared me.

Burger man gave me a free cuppa and wished me a happy new year.

Here I am, writing.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy New Year peeps,

Yesterday I was worried about surviving the night, it was a rainy night and nowhere to go.
I went to the pub for a cuppa but a druk lady decided she wanted a quarrel, so that was no good.
so I wandered around and found that trains were still running and caught a train for a while.
Thankfully the burger vans and 24 hour cafes were also running as normal so I managed to get enough tea.

The time crept up towards 11pm, which is currently my normal bed time, and time crept on so I went down to the waterside and sat and waited, then I got my radio out and listened to that.
Soon 'Auld lang whatever' was on the radio and then the countdown.

Then all the fireworks went off across the water and all around, I could see fireworks for 360 degrees, up on the hills, over the town, over the water, fireworks everywhere, and loads of Chinese Lanterns. Beautiful.
So it was New Year and whatever.

I wandered dozily along the quay wall, there were also some polis on the quay wall, they were probably posted to stop silly people from jumping or pushing each other.
I said 'Happy New Year!' to the police, and they looked up, startled, and returned the greeting, they didn't look happy, but that is probably because their year ends and starts with the mess caused by revellers.

I wandered up to the church, listening to the church bells on the radio, I had ringing in my ears, haha.
And I hid behind the church and had a pee, excuse me, how naughty of me.
My friends had been doing a New Years Vigil service at church and came out and handed me a tub of pringles and I dived into the back of the car and off we went, off the crazy New Years Streets.