This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Friday, 31 May 2013

Good morning you peeps you!

Well yesterday I stayed in the library until late and typed away at the documents. I had tea and biscuits at church in the afternoon but I couldn't get any solid food.
When the library closed I went back to church as there is always a church event on Thursday and I am allowed to sit in and drink tea, so I sat and drank tea and typed and made it to page 40 of my statement.
My friend texted and asked me to get a number for her off a piece of paper in the church bin, so I did and texted it to her and some time later she came rushing in and gave me a food parcel and some money.

When church closed I had a brief walk and then went and tucked down thankfully in my corner.
I was asleep immediately but I don't think I slept deeply during the night as I dreamed a lot and woke feeling tired.

I had been dreaming before I woke, I was on a beach on the Island, the sea was beautiful and it was a fine day, there were many boats out and people were bringing their dinghys back from sailing and dragging them up the beach. I decided I must sail again and someone told me I should do a boat-share in order to have access to a boat, so I looked up boat-shares and found lots of horse-shares instead, but then I was looking at a boat that I might share and wondering if I could afford it.

I woke up tired and my eyes were stuck shut.
I got up and stashed and started a slow wander down the road to town. Our Vicar was struggling to get a load of stuff out of his car as well as hold his dog, and I kind leaned on a post and giggled, which was most rude of me, and he muttered about not having enough hands and politely said hello as well.
I should have offered to help but I was still half-asleep.

I went to McD's and got a cuppa and sat with it in the lovely cold fresh wind in the precinct., then I had a brief walk and then went to poundland and got superglue.

I had a wash and then I sat somewhere quiet and tried to superglue my boots back together, I am telling you this, superglue is sticky, it burns and it goes everywhere! well some of it went on the boots and most went on my jeans and hands! :)
My boots are a bit more stuck together than they were, but you know how superglue tends to glue you to everything etc? well it did, so I had fun.

I also changed my socks and treated my battered feet.
Then I had a banana and some malt loaf from my food parcel for breakfast.

Then here I am.

Things to pray about? Well the chest infection is nearly gone! so that is prayer answered, continued prayer for food and hot drinks and things over the next five days. And most important probably is prayers about the corrupt church leaders and politicians as they continue to stir things and are having a much publicized meeting that seems to be against me and against the enquiry into what has happened etc.Please pray about that meeting. Please also pray that I am ok as it is the weekend and weekend nights are the most dangerous and I don't want the police hassling me either and I also have nowhere much to go during the weekend.

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Hi peeps,
I sat in the library yesterday, writing and also dealing with the latest smear campaign against me by the politicians and clergy who support the abusers and wrongdoers in the church case.

The library closed at 5pm and it was still raining, I walked up and sat on the bench in the church porch.
Lucky for me, someone had hired a church room for an AGM and the caretakers let me in and I was allowed to sit in while the AGM went on, I typed quietly on my computer.
The AGM was supposed to be 7pm to 9.30pm but they had finished by 8, which was a pity. The caretakers had gone to do their shopping and had promised to bring me back milk for a cuppa, but by the time they got back the AGM had finished so I got one quick cuppa before they locked up.

Thankfully the rain was now light with gaps in it, so I had my walk.

When I had walked a bit I found that all the glaring lights on the pub were out for once, and so the porch was in shadow, I wasted no time in getting my bedding and tucking down, there was a bit of noise from the pub but I was hidden in darkness and slept deeply while the rain hammered down outside.

I slept and dreamed, I do not remember the dreams, I woke when the alarm went off, and got up at about 7.30, there is no point getting up early in a thin time.

I had a small amount of change, most of which I had been given to get some glue because my boots were falling apart, but I decided that seeing as I had no food and the rain was hammering down, I needed to go to McD's and get a hot cuppa with sugar. So I did.
I sat in McD's and drank my tea for some time, and read my book.

Then I had a quick wash and went to the coffee morning where my friend would be, and she was, and we had several cups of tea and a number of biscuits and some sausage rolls and a good natter.

The bad weather is still here, and I have no lunch.

Things to pray for for me, praying contingent: food and hot drinks for the week, money ran out too quickly this time, I am not sure how apart from travel and therapy costs and new jeans and things.
continued prayers about the smear campaign and the behaviour of church leaders and politicians over this whole matter, the chest infection is getting better but still lingering slightly, and I need to continue my writing.

God bless.

Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Good morning peeps,
Yesterday I went to my friend's house and had a bath and a meal, she offered that I could stay the night but I was too hot and restless so I thanked her and wandered off.
I sat on the church bench and the church people invited me in for a cuppa and I sat in the church and typed while they had a meeting.
The Vicar got really enthusiastic when he came out of his meeting to find the songs of praise hymn list and I offered to add some hymns, he was like a spaniel puppy, I got overwhelmed and forgot all the hymns, haha.

Anyway, when the meeting ended I went for my walk and the rain had stopped so I bedded down.

I slept with anxiety dreams and tense, woke up not wanting to get up this morning but got up eventually, for some reason I wet myself.

I headed for McD's eventually and had a light breakfast and cuppa.
The cleaner there is ever so friendly, she always chats to me and asks what I am doing, I showed her my horror story book that I was reading.

Then i went for a walk with my music and had a quick wash and got a can of soft drink and then it was library time. Yesterday was harsh rain and wind, today is calm and fair.

Tuesday, 28 May 2013

Hey peeps,

I went and tried to have lunch wiv me pals, but I was too hot in there and felt too tired and dizzy. So I wandered back out into the fresh air and rain after having a little bit of lunch and some tea and fizzy pop.

I still don't feel too good.
And the library is so crowded that it is difficult to get somewhere peaceful to sit and work.

Good morning peeps,
Yesterday I enjoyed reading my books and listening to my radio and doing a bit more weeding.

It got cold as the sun set and I got my bedding and put on my thermal top and read my books with a duvet wrapped around me.
I went for my walk and got a cuppa and then I went and bedded down.

I slept immediately and deeply and woke at 1am as the rain started. I scrambled for the porch, bedded down and slept again.
I woke this morning too hot, it is warmer in the porch than out in the open.
I cannot normally sleep in the porch as it has become simply too dangerous in the evening with that lout's pub nearby, but it is ok from about midnight, and normally I am too tired to stay up that late and wander around.
so I bed down elsewhere.

Anyway, I woke up safe and dry and too hot in the porch this morning, it was hammering down with rain and hadn't stopped all night, I had been dreaming about a rather out of control motorway drive and was relieved to wake up.
It was 7.30 or later by the time I packed up my bedding, I had found some rolls of unused black sacks and rebagged the bedding as the old bags were getting holey, so my bedding went back in the stashplace nicely waterproofed.

I headed for McD's and sat reading my book there as I ate my light breakfast and drank my cuppa.
The rain continued.
I sat for a long time and then had a quick wash and then it was library time.

I will be going to see my pals later for cuppas and social and lunch.

Monday, 27 May 2013

Hi peeps,
I have been reading, weeding and resting. I did a bit of weeding of the church gardens, which I am allowed to do.
And I sat and read some books.

I was walking down to the toilets when an old friend saw me and stopped to chat and she gave me £2 to get what I wanted, and so I got some antacid tablets and came here for a cuppa tea.
Finances and food are looking gloomy peeps, please pray that I will get through.
And it is going to rain tonight.
Today has been mainly a very fine and warm day and I am sunburned from weeding.

I have been trying to relax but my thoughts have been racing and memories and feelings getting to me.
But I hope to enjoy the rest of the day with my books and music and a nice walk later.
You know what? when I try to relax like this I feel guilty and get fear of bad things happening in the future or even when I return to my evidence work tomorrow :( I feel heavy and anxious.

Hi peeps,
Well I lay on my blanket or sat on my blanket and read books for most of the afternoon and evening, then I went for a walk, then I bedded down and slept, it was like a Friday or Saturday night because of the bank holiday but I slept really well anyway. Woke myself up snoring at some point, slept deeply apart from that and had a lie in until 7.30 as it was bank holiday, I felt quite low as I got up but I always do at the moment and I know that once I get going the depression and sadness fade a bit.

I went and had a light breakfast and cuppa with my pal with learning difficulties.
Then I went for a walk, lovely walk with my music and the beautiful clear morning.
Then I had my wash and came here for a cuppa and to see whats what.
I have about 12 hours of bank holiday to endure.

Sunday, 26 May 2013

Hi Peeps,
Last night I headed for my sleeping place, and had a very encouraging text chat with one of the eyupmeducks, and I settled to sleep and slept peacefully and soundly through the night, but the dream I had just before I woke was very very sad and painful. Painful enough for me to jump up out of bed, I never jump normally because my body is sluggish first thing. Anyway I packed up and walked, I didn't want my breakfast so I had a cuppa, i didn't want to walk far so I sat on a church bench.
Eventually it was church time and everyone greeted me so I wandered dozily into church, I sat outside the main church for the service but I could hear it on the speakers.
Someone had made me a cuppa so I enjoyed a cuppa and then I went up for prayer after the service and they were very nice to me.

Then I got some picnic lunch and lazed on my sleeping bag with a load of books I got for £1. I am part-way into a delicious book. But I felt obliged to log on and make sure I knew what was going on, I am terrified of logging on and knowing the situation but I feel that I have to.

I haven't had my wash yet, how lazy I am! I will have my wash when I leave the cafe.
I am ok today apart from this hayfever/chest thing, my chest has not cleared, it rattles and I cough, this is not good, peeps, I don't want pneumonia again.

It is lovely and sunny and if it stays like this I will spend most of today and tomorrow resting on the blanket and giving my feet a break from the boots and reading my new books, which is good.

Ok peeps, I hope to chat briefly tomorrow. God bless.

Saturday, 25 May 2013

Hi peeps,
I had lunch wiv all me pals, lovely roast dinner.
Then back to the library, working on evidence, but I got carried away with the trauma and ended up very upset :(
I am still down but a bit better.
My mediator is so kind and tries hard to help me understand things and not get upset.
I just despair sometimes, things have been too bad, even the psychologist says there has been too much trauma.

I have just had a short walk with my music and in a minute I will go to my sleeping place.
Please pray me through this bank holiday weekend, an extra day of nothing and nowhere to go and all the evidence in my mind and no way of writing it, no access to power for the computer.
Hi peeps,
I wandered into church because there was a 'ladies breakfast' and while I don't approve of segregation I do approve of food! :) and they were very kind to me and I had peanut butter on toast and some tea :)

I am off to lunch with my pals soon.

Those of you who pray, pray me through this bank holiday weekend! An extra day with nowhere to go, and also the hayfever is driving me mental even though I am taking my tablets for it and my chest is still rattly.
Also keep praying that it will be possible for me to have EMDR, if such a senior psychologist  is concerned enough to try and get me the treatment then that is both good and concerning, and it would be better for me to have EMDR than ECT of course, I think ECT would kill me, though I did ask for it when I was younger and was not taken seriously because none of the doctors in my young adulthood knew or cared how damaged I was by my childhood.
I am keen to have EMDR, it may help me a lot, I did try very hard to get EMDR a few years back.

Anyway, it is a sunny saturday and I will have lunch with my pals soon, that will be nice.
Pray me through the bank holiday! :)

I am kind of confused as to who I am at the moment, because both my old name and identity and the slightly newer name and identity by which most of my blog readers know me are being used in equal amounts at the moment because of the church investigations and I do get a bit confused.
I still prefer my newer name, because it feels clean and friendly :)
Good morning peeps,
well, I don't know about good, mornings should be abolished, I only get up because I am a rough sleeper.
:( emo.

Anyway, yesterday I went to see my psychologist.
He said he is concerned at the level of trauma that I have suffered in the past and how I am being re-traumatized by the church matter, so he is going to continue to work with me and he also wants to see about referring me for EMDR, which is a trauma therapy, EMDR is hard to get, I have tried to get EMDR for myself before, especially since I came back to the UK.
Anyway, I talked to the psychologist about my fear of people, it is really helpful to talk to get insight into why  I do things and how to work towards solutions.

Anyway, after psychology I managed to get a train home, often I have to wait until after Friday rush hour as the trains are packed, but I got a seat and had a reasonably comfortable journey, but I had to stand the last part of the journey after I changed train.

It was a relief to get back to sanctuary.
I went to the library until it closed, and then went to the church, the church people were doing choir practice and they let me in and the vicar came along with some milk and biscuits so that I could make myself tea in the church kitchen, bless him.

I had a wash and washed my hair in the church toilet and changed my clothes and sorted my backpack out.
Then I sat with my computer, and also charged my phone as I had stupidly let the battery go dead.
When the choir went home I went for a walk, it started raining heavily but it was only showers and not forecast, and by the time I was tired and cold enough to bed down it was still raining a bit and my bedding was getting damp and I was getting cold, but I decided the best thing to do was get into my blanket pile and be dry and warm up, so I did.

I slept but was sleeping lightly, too cold and tense, at midnight I got up, went to the loo, and bedded down again and was warm and comfy, the rain had long since stopped and I slept like I was dead.
I woke when my alarms went off, knowing I should get up as there would be people areound later, but I didn't want to get up and face the world, eventually I did, and came straight to the coffee shop.
I need to persuade some breakfast down in a minute :(

Friday, 24 May 2013

could the praying contingent of you please pray about the chest infection that I got from having a cold, I think the cigarette smoke didn't help, I have a rattle and wheeze and cough. Not Good. :(
Hi peeps,
Please excuse the delay in blogging. I meant to blog yesterday and simply forgot.
I don't remember much of the night before last, I think I simply slept through the night, nothing remarkable but the depression was bad in the morning and I wasn't keen to get up, or eat.

I sat in the coffee shop and had some tea and then got new black sacks and rebagged my bedding.
I couldn''t settle to do anything and the distress was too much, so I had a long cup of tea and some sausage rolls with a friend.

Eventually I sat in the library a while and tried to work,
then I moved to the city and tried to work in the library there, there were no vacancies at my usual bed and breakfast so I returned home and sat in the church and did some work and then went for a walk.
Then it was raining, and I walked around and tried to shelter and was worried as I was tired and had nowhere sheltered to sleep.
But the rain was not too hard and eventually it eased off and I bedded down. The rain held off and I slept.
I woke at nearly 5am and it was raining again.
I was warm and sleepy and I wanted to snuggle back to sleep and I dozed, but the rain continued and I looked up at the deep white clouds and decided to get up.

I got to McD's at about 6.20am, which is too early for me these days, but never mind, I got tea and sat there and dreamed.
It rained a while.
I really am battling depression and flashbacks in the mornings now, I do not want to get up and see no point in the day, and it is not fair because we had just got me over that attitude before this nightmare hit.

But at least today I had a train journey to look forward to.
After a cuppa or five I headed for the station and got the train.
The journey was mainly peaceful but at one point a train had broken down so we ended up with all that train's passengers as well as ours, so the train got crowded.

But it was ok, even when we got to the station and all the huge crowd of passengers caused a bottleneck going round the corner and it was very crowded, I coped.

I went to a cafe for a cuppa and some bacon. Very nice.
Then I was wandering about and worrying and then found this library and wandered in, it is a very busy library but I found a space for me.

Wednesday, 22 May 2013

Hi peeps,
I was released back into the wild this afternoon.
I was disorientated so I went and lay on the bench.
the church people thought that meant I needed looking after,
so they gave me tins and coffee and biscuits and made conversation with me.

Then I went and got new headphones because both my pairs catastrophically fell apart.
I have only an hour left in the library and I haven't got anything done.

Good morning peeps,
I slept, and no one disturbed me, but the dog has been barking and barking this morning, the noise is horrific for me, and I may be better when I return to the streets, and though it is nice of my friend to want to look after me, I think the noise and stress and smoke are making things worse for me.

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

Hi peeps,
Its ok, my friend told the man not to come into the front room while I am sleeping here.
I am awake and anxious anyway.
I think everyone is still awake but I am in the front room alone in the dark on my computer, I just had a decent chat with my mediator on skype.

I need prayers, especially prayers from the eyupmeducks, in two weeks time I have to meet some people leading the first investigation, I will meet them with my mediator.
I have no faith in the investigators and no faith in myself to get my point accross, and I am afraid that this is all pointless, it will not restore me.
I despair.
So please pray for me.
I also think that the mediator needs all of the information and because it is a vast and complex matter and I become too traumatized to write some of it or even let the memories surface, I am not getting all of my story to him, so how can I get it to an investigation?
The people who prayed for me because my life was stolen from me by Satan have seen a miracle in this matter being incredibly brought to light, but Satan has fought back and shattered and biased the investigations and restored bad people to power by force because those who should have removed them or kept them suspended during investigations were unable to, and the people who destroyed me remain in power while I remain destroyed.

My friend is very kind to take me in but I am reacting really badly to the cigarette smoke as well.

Please keep me in your prayers.

I am still at my friend's house but her male friend who I do not know and have not been introduced to is smoking something that is really upsetting my system, her cigarettes cause me to choke but his are worse and she keeps going off and leaving me alone with him, I am not happy, I would leave but my clothes are wet in the washing machine and I cannot go without them, this is a nightmare.

Hey peeps,
my friend dropped me at the drop-in but I was tired and ill and too hot, I tried to eat and drink but I didn't even want my cuppa tea.

So I went to sleep in a corner and then had an anti-histamine, and eventually felt better.
I struggle to remember my hayfever because it only lasts a few months a year and comes and goes, I never realise how much it affects me until I get really sick, and at the moment it is not helped by a cold and cigarette allergy as well.
My blood pressure is better and my heart is beating better, I take an asperin every day.

My friend picked me up and we went shopping and here we are. She is in the kitchen and I am half-watching television and contemplating doing some writing.
Good morning peeps,
I slept as best I could on the sofa last night, I dreamed I was in the hostel in my childhood, I  was a child again with my siblings, it is funny, peeps, my dreams are in sequence because I was back on the violent sink estate in my dreams the other night, and we went from there to the hostel.

Anyway, I was woken briefly by the dog this morning, slept again and was woken by the delivery man delivering a bed at 7am, woke up in pain and miserable because of the noise, but I surfaced and became human.

My friend is smoking, which is not good for me, my friend says I am not well and she will drop me at the drop in and have me to stay tonight.

I had apple pie for breakfast, well, people should have apple pie for breakfast sometimes, don't be boring! :)

Monday, 20 May 2013

Hey peeps,
My friend collected me, bang on time, and we came home, she had to take the dog to the vet, so my mediator and I spent some frustrating time trying to talk on skype as the internet kept going down.
Then when my friend came back we had a good solid meal and I returned to the task of looking at what information might be needed and also watching television and talking to my friend.

My friend has gone to bed now.
I am alone with the television and the internet and then I will sleep here on the sofa.

Hi peeps,
I forgot to say earlier that I am much better than I was yesterday, the migraine had gone when I woke this morning, which is unusual, they usually last for the literal 72 hours in me.
The cold is rapidly getting better too but the stress and anxiety as things go on has not got better.
The weather is gloomy, like me :)
Please keep up the prayers about this nightmare. Thank you.
Good morning peeps.
Yesterday evening I sat on my blanket and read my books and listened to music.
I treated my battered feet and let them enjoy some time out of the boots.
Those of you who don't know, I wear boots all the time, I can't walk well without them and I wear them at night so that I am less vulnerable (and also to keep my feet warm). so my feet don't get much of a break, which is not good for them.

Anyway, I stayed there and rested and I had a walk and returned to reading before tucking down for bed. It was a very mild night and so I didn't use all my blankets and I didn't put my thermal top or jacket on, and because of my headache I used a bag of blankets instead of the backpack as a pillow. I was asleep very quickly.
I woke at 3am needing the loo and a bit tense, not sleeping well, and I woke again at almost 5am as it started raining hard.
I hate packing up my blankets in the rain. I packed up and stashed and went and sat on a bench and listened to music and prayed for an hour and then went to McD's for breakfast.

After breakfast I went for my walk with my headphones in. There was a fish on a bench, how random. It was dead and I doubt it jumped out of the river and got there itself.

I went back to the coffee shop to use the internet and then did a round of the churches and drank all their tea, and then came here.
It is a bit of a tense and electric start to the week, with the whole church matter bringing new shocks and horrors all the time.

Please pray for me. Pray that the truth will be seen and justice done and that the lies of the enemy and the attempts to use mental illness against me are thwarted.

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Hi peeps,

Well I went and listened to the church service, it was all age worship and pentecost party, there were balloons and party poppers and cake, it was good.
Afterwards we had a big roast dinner, which was wonderful but I was on a table of old people who I could hardly communicate with and I was feeling increasingly ill, my cold was embarrassing me and I had a steadily increasing migraine and in the end I was in no fit state to be in company so I crawled off to die somewhere.

I didn't die, I settled down on a bench and my friend phoned and asked if she could collect me tomorrow afternoon and I said yes. Then I took strong painkillers and dozed off and was woken by the vicar and his wife asking me if I would like a cuppa, I cheerfully said that I would and they brought me a cuppa :)

Eventually I wandered to town, got some lozenges and came to the coffee shop.
I will go and have another sleep in a minute, I am not too well but I think my blood pressure is a bit better, I have been taking garlic and apple cider vinager and things to help it.
Good morning peeps,

I was so tired yesterday evening when the library closed that all I did was go to my corner and sit and read books and pray, I surfaced to get some food at some point and then just returned to the corner and read and prayed until bed time.

I tucked down but had rather a rough night, it beinga  weeked night there was the usual noise of drinkers in the vicinity and I was having nightmares and having a cold wasn't helping, I was hot and uncomfortable, and I had to get up for the toilet at one point, I was never deeply asleep and some of the time I was having nightmares of my childhood.
At oone point it was raining, and at about 4.50 it really started raining and I was reluctant to relocate to the porch as it was to close to morning and I was reluctant to get up with nowhere to go in the rain.
The rain eased off as I lay there and eventually I got up, I was full of cold so I coughed and blew my nose a lot, at least this cold is progressing rather than turning into a horrible illness like before.

Time seems to be flying this morning, I bagged my bedding thoroughly because the forecast is more rain, and I went to McD's for a breakfast roll and tea.
My pal gave me two stickers.

I went and had a thorough wash and sort out in the toilets.
Then by the time I had done that, it was nearly time for the coffee shop to open, so I only had a short walk with my music.

I think I am going to listen to a church service and get a free lunch after that.

My new backpack is helping me, it is small and lightweight so I am not losing energy as I was when the old backpack was pulling me down.

Saturday, 18 May 2013

Nothing to declare peeps,
There is some weather and I fed up with having a cold but at least this time it is just a cold, not that terrible illness of a few months ago.
Good morning peeps,
I went on a long train journey last night.
I went to a city that I knew before I was homeless and while I was homeless.
I like that city, the  people are polite and friendly. It is part of a particular area of the Uk where people are polite, have manners and make you feel good because they do.
It was nice to be back.

There was a homeless woman begging and she looked vaguely familiar but she didn't speak or ask me for money.
I got a cuppa at a BK and the girl there was ever so nice. It helps me to communicate when people are nice.

I looked at the river and vaguely remembered someone who had been a close friend who used to live near here, I wonder where she is now, she had problems, and I hope she made it and is ok.

I headed onwards by train, and even though it was a Friday night, it was not too bad for a drunk train, quite ok in fact.
Eventually I landed and went to bed down. I was worried that my new small backpack wouldn't be a good pillow but it was ok. I was asleep instantly and slept like I was dead until morning and the sad dreams were too vague to remember.
I woke feeling tired. This is not good, I am sleeping like I'm dead and waking up tired.
I got up and went for a light breakfast.
Went and had a thorough wash and changed some of my clothes.

had a cuppa and read a discarded newspaper and then it was library time.

Friday, 17 May 2013

Hi peeps,
I am a bit better after feeling ill all day, i took asperin and garlic and and vitamins and 5HTP and all sorts of things, but I wasn't sick. I feel a  bit better and still a bit tired.

Would those of you pray that there is some way of overturning this latest investigation which is a conflict of interests before it destroys me beyond repair? Thank you.

It is mild and clear today.

I just got a new backpack.

Blood pressure 169/109.

I have got a cold, that is thanks to my wretched friend coughing and sneezing all over me the other day.
Sometimes people make me angry.
Good morning peeps,
Well yesterday I stayed in the library until late and then I got my cuppa and supper and also the news that there is another investigation, that the mediator believes is simply biased and not independent.
I have signed my death warrant by allowing myself to be dragged back into this, it seems that I have to continue to be part of this unrelenting horror and yet there will be no justice, I will be ruined as much as possible and will die slandered in the national press by the church of england, only this time they will use my name and photos of me. There is no hope peeps, you can pray but I was dead the minute I reported a powerful man in a corrupt country.

Anyway, I was tired enough to sleep in the middle of the road last night but I thought that would be bumpy for the cars. So I didn't. I fell into my blankets and slept, woke once with horror running through my mind. Slept again and woke and crawled miserably out of bed in the early morning, stashed and went to McD's and then here to the coffee shop.
It is a clear morning.
I am waiting to hear if I have a psychology appointment because the psychologist was off sick yesterday. If not, I need the money, I desparately need a new backpack and boots and orthotics that cost as much as the boots :( but my walking is so painful now that I think new orthotics might help.

Thursday, 16 May 2013

I have a psychology appointment for tomorrow. I am glad of that as I am suffering such anxiety and distress.
I went to a coffee morning but I was finding it overwhelming, I am so sleepy and hot and I keep getting indigestion. and short of breath :(
I borrowed the homeless man's bench for a nap and then picked up his beer cans and put them in the bin.
I am drifting. Lets drift to the island
Good morning peeps,
Last night I caught a train and got off the train at some point. I was very tired and I went and tucked down and slept. I slept a peaceful night. I woke at about 4am because my heart was racing and shaking my whole body. I am sure that is what my sister used to get put in hospital with, I think it is called tachysomething, it is only dangerous when you burst.
I did sleep again and reluctantly crawled out of bed in the morning, depressed, low, can't seem to get this stupid man and this stupid church of england matter to bog off, it is going to hang round my neck until it kills me.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013

The only version of 'wounded soldier with no name' that I could find

The lyrics are available below the video.

In case you are wondering. I will never say that I belong to a church again.
I wander in and out of churches and I worship and do this and that, but no church will ever be 'my church' and that way I will never be as vulnerable to the church of england again.
I have little faith in church relationships and I know that I have no ability to trust church people.
I can't bond with people after what has happened, I had little bonding ability before, and I do not trust anyone who gets too involved.

Hey peeps,
I am about to start a blog about my nightmare time in the church of england.
It will be a resticted blog so if you want to read it then please email me.

No wonder my friend was so hyper, she had been drinking during the night and it tends to make her very noisy and talkative.
I had some porridge and milky coffee with her and she gave me a card that she had made with my name in pressed flowers on it. Wow, she is quite an artist, I was looking through her artwork.

She went to do her early morning shopping, I headed out into the cold grey day, my IBS is playing up and I have been awake since 4.30am so I am feeling 'washed out' which means I feel washed out and that means tired and weak.

I am sitting in a cafe.

Still living in fear but more back to normal.
Well, How can I get through today, I am tense and grumpy and my friend is too loud, she is eating an orange very loudly and keeps coughing and sneezing.
This is why I live outdoors and get very stressed that everyone wants me to live indoors, outdoors is only natural noise, peace and quiet.
I like a total silence and no people for at least the first few hours of the day, or until midday ideally.
I cannot cope with mornings at all, I should start my day in the afternoon, but unfortunately changing my sleeping patterns isn't possible.
Even in the end when my life and work fell apart and I couldn't always get to work in the morning, I would try to get up eventually.

But I hate people and noise in the morning.
If I go to live with my other friend for a while, her house can be too hot for me, but she doesn't get up early and I can have the window open and the radiator in my room off.

I will be exhausted by tonight but I can get an early night and the forecast is better, so I will be sleeping out.
Good morning peeps,
I slept eventually.
Woke in the early morning, 4.30am, too hot, needing the loo and very distressed from nightmares, the church was raging through my nightmares, terrors and thoughts, I was reliving it again.

I went to the loo but couldn't sleep again so I am sitting here, I feel like rubbish. I can't stand the light, the heat, or even the noise of my music on headphones.
My lungs hurt and I am too thirsty and water doesn't help.
This is why I don#t live in a house.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Good evening peeps, I am supposed to be asleep.
I went on a long train journey in the bad weather.
Then I wandered to my friend's flat, she was expecting me and had a roast dinner with steam treacle pudding for afters waiting for me, then we listened to music and chatted, then I had a bath.
I am supposed to be asleep now but I am all norty and awake.

Well, disestablishment would bring the church down, and it would smash them, but I don't think that standing there when the Diocese and police set upon me with a sign saying 'disestablish the church of england' would do the trick! :)
Disestablishment would hopefully leave the greedy fat wealthy side of the church either in parliment or lost and the good remainder could return to worshipping God, is there a good remainder? maybe the good remainder would make up a church or two or become Catholics. As long as the Catholic church does not become overrun with greedy selfish old people.

Actually, as I think about it, please could the CofE join the baptists when they disestablish, the Baptists are the next deadbeat sexist and lost church, so it wouldn't do any harm, they can have the methodists at a pinch but we would prefer to keep them pure but stodgy and boring, but we don't want our churches ruined.

Oh I just found a fantastic blog.
I was looking for an answer to this question 'what is more powerful than the church of England?' and I found a smashing blog.

I was looking for that answer because of Hazel on Watership down, he remembered the Dog in the wood and he brought the farm dog up and led it to the Efrafans.
So as my life and battle with the church of england draw to a close, I am trying to work out who or what I am to lead upon the church of england as they attack. Does that sound schitzo? well some of my best friends are schitzophrenics, who am I to discriminate? :)

Hi peeps,

I went to see all me pals, we had a good natter and a good lunch. I felt very tired and my lunch doesn't want to digest.
I feel tired. Last night I was tired enough to sleep halfway up a lamp post, but I was too tired to climb one. I was even dozing off when I tried to arrange my blankets. Tonight will be bad because of the weather, I can't get to the porch early and I am so tired.

My friend asked me if I would like her spare room when it is free in a few weeks. I said yes. I can't think of any reason why not. it will not be permenant but it will give me some sleeping place, I think I need about 20 hours a day of sleep, I can sleep a solid 8 to 10 hours at the moment but I am so tired.
Anyway, the church will have got me by then.
I just saw the polices but they didn't get me today, they said hi, and I surfaced from my cup of tea and said hi in return.

The bad weather has arrived but is nothing awesome yet.

peeps, do I wander busily in and out of my friend's lives? or do they wander busily in and out of my life? It's a puzzle.
I keep dreaming of my homeless pals, especially the Vagabonds and Damien and Braveheart. I need some homeless company, and there are only alcoholics and addicts here. I need some good clean homeless company. The problem is, the weather is turning and it is going to be tough to find shelter in the next town by tonight :(
The morning started fairly clear but the bad weather is rapidly rolling in, aren't I lucky to have got such a good night's sleep? Tonight I don't know, it is going to be bad weather however far I travel. and I want to be walking some of the way.
I want to go down to sanctuary's shore and run and leap up on the stones, but I cannot.

For P. In memory of 2009
Good morning peeps,

Last night when I left the library I had a chip butty for supper and several cups of tea, and I went for my walk, the weather turned bad and I sheltered in the supermarket for a while.

It was quite late by the time I got home, but the rain had stopped, so I bedded down in my corner on lots of cardboard and slept, I woke a bit cold at one point because my head blanket had wandered and it was a cold night, I was glad I woke because my dreams were so sad.

I slept again and dreamed and dreamed, over and over again the church accusing me and denying their own wrong, over and over again the mediator asking me questions on what I told him already and I was screaming at him that I had told him the truth.

I woke up feeling low and groggy and it took a while to wander out of bed.
When I got up I rebagged my bedding very securely as bad weather is coming in, I rebagged my clothing stashpack as well.

I walked slowly to town and my money was in, so I got my breakfast and then came here to the coffee shop.

well, my leg is in need of help really, I think they need to do something before I permenantly can't put my weight on that foot, the other leg keeps getting cramp, and the old spasms in my right hand and arm have come back. I am a crock, shoot me now. Pity I can't see a doctor without being traced and brutalized by the church and the police. Especially as my heart keeps doing it's thing :(

Today is forecast bad weather, it is also the day when I go to see all me pals at the community group. But also it is when I intend to move on. I have an idea, I have a thought, where I might go, but I am not sure where I can shelter tonight in this bad weather. I wonder where I will be tonight? I suppose the more I move the longer it will take them to find me.

Monday, 13 May 2013

Hi Peeps,
I think that from tomorrow I am going to possibly do some walking, some lone quiet walking somewhere I don't walk much, for a few days, it would be an adventure, an adventure with a heavy load on my back maybe, but I think I need a break from sitting here feeling miserable and waiting in fear.
Well I tried to eat lunch, at about 3pm, I think I might get on better with supper.
It has been raining again, but due to be drier for most of the night.

Guess what peeps,
Now that I have removed myself from the crazy church  rubbish, I can return to therapy! I realised that as I was talking to my shocked friend this morning when I told her I had had stopped having therapy because of this matter.
I was supposed to phone the psychologist this week to get a psychological report, because the bonkers people in the church matter have been trying to put 'nutcase' back on my CV and after numerous assessments because of the church matter over the last five years, serious mental illness has never been found.

I am deeply psychologically damaged, I am volatile, I am depressed, I am on the autistic spectrum but I am not seriously mentally ill.
I can now ask for an appointment to continue my therapy, and that is all that matters to me.
It isn't ethical to have therapy during a crisis, hence the unwelcome break from it during this matter.
Hi peeps,
It's ok, I just haven't been willing to log on and deal with the church of england until now.

Last night I went back to church as the youth group arrived, but I never bothered to go in.
My friend came by on her bike and asked if I wanted to come home for supper and a bath, and seeing as it was so cold and rainy, I agreed.

I had a nice bath, and she did me an egg and spring onion roll and some home made pizza, lots of fresh juice and a sweet milky drink.
she asked if I wanted to stay over and sleep on the sofa but I knew I wouldn't sleep well there and she doesn't sleep well, so I would probably be awake most of the night as she would be. So I reluctantly said goodbye and walked up to my stashpacks and got my thermal top as it was cold, the rain was dying out. I went to McD's and used their loo and put my thermal top on and got a cuppa tea and then started my walk.
Cold damp and windy evening.

I went back to tuck down at about 9pm.
I was worried by the old tramp hanging around, but he seems to be an empty spiritless person, and then as I settled to sleep, a car was broken down nearby so there was a rescue truck and a lot of noise and light, I was miffed, but by 9.30 it was peaceful and I slept.

I woke at midnight as a heavy rain shower started, I knew that no rain was forecast, just possible showers, so I stayed where I was, the rain didn't last. I slept again.

I woke quiet and peaceful in the morning but it was hard to get up. One of the things about depression is that getting up is almost physically impossible, and one of the things about rough sleeping is that you have to get up. Which is one of the reasons I live outdoors.

I got up and had a light breakfast and then a cuppa from the burger van, my pal with learning difficulties really likes giving me stickers now, he was at the burger van with two cups of coffee! and he gave me two stickers.

I went and sat on the church bench, then I got up because reacently I have really wanted to break into a run and jump the wall, wanted to be myself again, but I couldn't run or jump, so I climbed up on the wall and stood looking at the land that I love.
Another homeless guy came along and borrowed the bench.

I walked up to the other bench, church people kept coming along and saying hi, one of them got me a coffee and some biscuits, and I hoovered that and wandered off.

I went up to the coffee morning, the Scottish lady wasn't there, my old friend was there, she made a huge fuss of me and asked if she had offended me, I assured her she hadn't, she said she was worried because I had not been around and she worried because she had touched my arms on Good Friday, but I told her it was all ok and she had never upset me.
We had a good old natter and she bought me two little toy animals from the toy stall, 20p each.

Then I came here at last. Now to log on and find out what hell is in store for me at the hands of the church and police.

Sunday, 12 May 2013

It was raining so I went and sat in the church porch and read my book, I sent a message to the church leaders that the lights were left on in church.
someone came and turned the lights off and told me that youth group would be there later and I could get hot drinks and food when they were there. Hm, maybe.
I am just back in the coffee shop briefly.
Hi peeps,
I went to the lovely noisy priest's church this morning, it was a lovely all age worship service, I always learn something at that church, today I learned that Boaz was Rahab the Harolt's son! fancy that!

Anyway, we had tea and cake after church and the priest came and chatted to me and was very welcoming.

Then I wandered off down the line.
Here I am, in the coffee shop, with half a day of nothing ahead of me :(

Let's declare this 'freedom from the church of england' day.
From now on I am returning to my life. Back to before the horrifying police intervention a few months ago. Backpack, blanket and bins, quiet walks with music twice a day, pretzels when there is money and plenty of hot strong tea. Yay.
When they and the police attack, as they will, I will have hopefully had a bit of my normal life back before they kill me.

Saturday, 11 May 2013

repost of sanctuary

Looking for you:

I walked down by the water
Where you walked every morning and evening
But you weren’t there
Not leaning on your stick or walking slowly

I walked in the early morning 
The sunshine reflecting on the empty street
That you used to stop and gaze at
But I was alone

I lay on the cold ground
Where you lay looking at the stars 
And sucking your thumb for comfort
But the night around me was silent and empty

I looked up at the railway arches
The line that you loved so well
A train passed but you weren’t on it
And I knew you had gone

I wondered what it was like
When God told you 
That you had come home to die
Alone and broken

And I wondered
If I was mistaken
And if you would walk round that corner
So I waited

And I remembered how you said you were happy
Just to be here and walk quietly
In the end
When your last great journey had finished
And you were waiting
For this day
You asked me to 
Put your ashes on Sanctuary’s shore
The place that was a guide and compass to you
A place that you called home

And then I remembered how you said
You would always be here
You lived and died here on your railway line by sanctuary’s shore
And you are here in the memories and the distant cries

When love is this deep
Not even death can remove it
And here you are in the air and the sea
A spirit of ice crystals and fire embers
Spinning through the wild night with joy

Alive with fire and joy
Just as you were 
When you ran here
Long years ago 
The wind and the sea the cold and the laughter
Before the eternal darkness

Still as I walk I know you are here
The shattered human being is gone
And the spirit is free
No longer loveless and lonely and condemned
But safe on Sanctuary’s shore forever

Life is far from happy, I have been living in fear for too long. I have no doubt that the church of England will relaunch their efforts against me. So when the blog stops, that is when they have had me locked up. Why would they not? when I am spoiling their reputation by speaking up? that is what this has been about, them protecting their reputation.
I wouldn't be ruined and on the streets if they had been willing to deal with this correctly instead of covering their own backs.

I don't know if I ever wrote 'The Ash Tree' properly but I may as well try to write it or rewrite it:

The Ash Tree stands by the endless road
there since before memory

the road goes up into the hills
and the road goes down to the town

there used to be a family there
young children who played

watched over by their father
safe under his care

they moved away
one sad day

following the endless road
and leaving the tree behind

like the birds nested in the tree
they grew wings and flew

but sometimes they came back
no one forgets where they were born

sometimes longing for the past
when things were simpler and less grim

it was long ago now 
that the children cried and played

beside the endless road
where the tree still stands

and the soul of  the father sleeps
dreaming of the playtimes of all his children
The blog is getting a lot of hits, I wonder who the new readers are apart from the ex-copper who put me under so much pressure? I wonder if I am in danger of being traced? well, if that sounds paranoid, I am talking about the church of England and their pet police.

Do you remember Watership down? 'My chief rabbit told me to stay here' said Bigwig to General Woundwort.
Bigwig stayed where he was told. He only just survived, but he stayed where he was told for that tremendous battle.

I hope that I can do the same.

'Tell my fortune in the water eh?' said the fox 'what do you see? fat rabbits running through the grass?'
'No' said Elahraira 'I see swift hounds on the scent and my enemy flying for his life!'

I don't care if the church of England kill me if that is what it takes to snap their huge corrupt and dangerous power, I will give my life and my strength to see the church of england go down, so that many many vulnerable adults and children will be protected.
Lord Jesus and Father God I pledge this in Your Sight, just as my father stood in front of that rioting gang with only his baseball bat and his faith in You.

I am waiting on Sanctuary's shore for the final attack by the police and the church of England.
Nothing to declare peeps, Captains blog 14.30.
Getting rid of the stupid damaging church of england matter does not heal everything. It takes the pressure off as I wait for the next church and police onslaught.

I can't do much, I have tried to eat some food but I didn't like it, I have had a bottle of fizzy pop but I haven't had any tea. I am just sitting here with no purpose.
The everlasting anthem of the church of England, as it was in the beginnin, is now and ever shall be, world without end, amen
Good morning you peeps,
I didn't eat anything last night but I wasn't hungry, I couldn't get myself to sleep either.
Well, I slept eventually.

Woke this morning, didn't want breakfast, I had a few mouthfuls to keep my blood sugar up.
Just waiting for the next church and police attack I suppose.
In the end I will die at their hands, that is why I am not suicidal.

Friday, 10 May 2013

Hi peeps,
well I got my laundry done this morning, which is an achievement. I also ended the crazy crazy situation where I am forced to relive the horror of the church of enngland over and over and over and over and over and over and over and.. well, you get the picture.
I remain living in fear and in great distress and unheard but at least I will stop being badgered for the same bit of information 20 times over. It doesn't make any difference that I have lost. I had lost the minute the church used the BBC to attack me and cover up in 2009, or even before that. I was born to suffer and lose.
I am not suicidal, I am just simply defeated, but I always have been. In 2004 or 2005 my counsellor did an assessment of me that showed that I had high levels of despair, and that was purely from being unable to integrate into the normal world with Asperger Syndrome and having grown up in the crazy world I grew up in. Imagine, if my despair was high then, after five years of pure hell from the church of england and now all this nightmare, imagine, how despairing I am now. And all of this recently has been for nothing.

Anyway, I came back here, couldn't persuade myself to eat anything or do anything and here I am, trying to persuade myself to sleep. I am supposed to use my crisis notes etc and do my daily maintenance even if I don't feel like it. But sitting in despair is a much better option.
Let me have my name back

Let me have my name back now
not the one you dragged through the shame and horror
and took from me
not that name
that name and it's owner died

my name that made me safe from you
that name that made the bad go
that made the cold brute Jane Fisher go
and gave me back my life

my real name
chosen by me
that I smiled at when called
my own name

safe from the horror of my childhood
and the even greater horror
of the church of england in their wickedness
my new name that they did not know
and couldn't blacken

now I can have my name back
and the horror is over
but it will never be over
until I am allowed to die

they traced me and took my new name from me
and destroyed me again
and tried to change my name back to 
the one they destroyed

it's getting late
it's getting dark
I have waited for so long
for names and life and what has been forced on me
to end, to go, and for God 
to allow my death
Well peeps,
I did the only thing I could, I couldn't go on reliving the nightmare over and over and over and be punished again and again and again and again and keep telling the mediator over and over and over and over and over and over and still be asked as if I had not told him anything.
I have closed the matter.
I am now without the new identity that kept me safe from the church of England, I have been slandered and villified, I am left destroyed again and I have had the shame and humiliation of a completely inaccurate report against me broadcast round the world.
Basically it is all just sick cruelty on the part of the church of england and I have no future and nothing to live for and I have been repunished ten thousand times in the last few months, for no apparent reason.
I am glad it is over. I came home to die, didn't I?

Good morning peeps,
The room got too hot overnight but I didn't get sick, the radiator wont turn off, I had the window open and the cold wind helped.
I slept with no dreams and woke early because I hadn't switched the alarm clocks off.

I got up and though slightly anxious and stressed, I was a lot better than yesterday.
I went on the computer a bit and eventually had breakfast.
I am going to have a shower and take my clothes to the laundry.
Clean jeans! :)

Thursday, 9 May 2013

I forgot to tell you. Last night as I lay in my blankets and looked at the sky, a massive green ball of fire flew over, leaving a trail, I was stunned, it was far bigger than a shooting star.
I wondered if it was the sign from God that I had asked for!
This morning as I logged on to the internet the news was all over the internet, it was a meteorite that I saw! wow! :) I bet you get more wishes on a meteorite than a shooting star! :)
Hi peeps,
Well I was happy to be all fed and tea-d up this morning. You know that anxie-tea comes from not knowing where your next cuppa is coming from?

Anyway, I went shopping and got a new teeshirt and a lightweight long-sleeved top and a heavier top, because my police jumper is now done for, finished, too ragged for even a homeless girl to wear.

Then I went to the church to meet the lady who offered me a coffee today, she is a mental health nurse who is pretending to be a friend, haha.
Anyway, we went to a meeting about yesterday's kid's group and then we had a cuppa and a chat. Someone has already told her about me but we pretend she doesn't know :) I know t sounds wierd peeps, but it is true. and I really don't care who told her what, cos I am happy to have a coffee and a chat with anyone as long as no-one gets too involved and I am not put under pressure or forced.

After the cuppa and chat, I went to my chatty hairdresser and he did me a good wash and trim.
Then I got my clothing bag from the hedge so I can get my clothes washed.
Then I went and got the train, and here I am in the bolthole in the city, loving the weather, dude.
It is windy :)
I am all clean and washed, I just need to get my clothes washed.

I have not had any conversations about the church and what happened but the very thought of it makes me sick, and when I finally do break down because this is going to make me break down, I will have proved them right and they will splash it all over the papers that I was insane all along.
I cannot see any way through this.

Good morning peeps,

I went to this place yesterday afternoon, it was a kind of kids club thing, and I was given tea and biscuits and a helpers teeshirt and I helped the kids with craft.
I was as nervous and childlike as the kids, or more so, they were mainly quite confident.

Afterwards we had a lovely meal, shepherds pie, and I was very grateful for that.
Then I was back out on the streets in the rain for the worst of the thin time, the last few hours. It was raining and there was nowhere to go. I wandered around, no hope of enough stickers for tea, no hope of meeting anyone who could help.
I sat in my corner and read a book, but though the rain stopped, the temperature dropped and the wind was cold. I got too cold even when I put my thermal top on, so I went to the 24 hour supermarket and looked round and decided on things to get when my money came through.

In the end it was early bed time as soon as it got dark.
I tucked down and lay there worrying and distressing about the church of england.

I slept through the night and despite my plan to get up early, it was hard to wake properly and crawl out of bed, I was fine, no caffiene withdrawal symptoms, not really hungry either, my tummy was still asleep. My leg wouldn't take my weight at first, darnit.

Anyway, my money was in, so I went and got a meal at McD's, one of the new crop of homeless alcoholics and addicts was in McD's looking for stickers, he came and politely asked for mine, which I gave, I was impressed that he wasn't asking for money, and I did offer him a hash brown but he didn't want that, my pal with learning difficulties ate that instead.

Then I went to the supermarket and got knickers and toiletries and black sacks, I went and rebagged my bedding and had a wash and changed into clean knickers and socks, ahh! :)

Then here I am in the coffee shop. Absolutely dreading the email exchanges and dealing with the church of England matter. At some point I will snap and go mad and prove those evil people right, simply because I cannot cope with this.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Hey peeps,
I got a cuppa from the cafe and also found another sticker and got another cuppa from McD's to keep me going.
I haven't had any lunch but I am going to see if these people who invited me can help. I think they can spare me at least a tea and maybe biscuits but they are doing a meal so they may be able to spare some food, i think they know that I am at least in need if not knowing I am homeless.
Good morning peeps,
Yesterday there wasn't much library time left by the time I got back from the group and settled down, and then the computer crashed and it took a while to get it working again :( I am getting a bit worried about it, I don't want to lose the computer now.

In the evening I had a lot of time to kill, but killing is wrong, so I wandered about and listened to my radio and sat and waited for time to pass. I had enough money for a few cups of tea at McD's and a chip butty for my supper, so that was good.
It was quite late when I tucked into my blankets out in the open in my corner and I was asleep straight away.
I woke at 2.24am when it started raining hard.

I scrambled for the porch and put the blankets there and went to the loo, then I settled down in the porch and slept again.
I woke in the early morning, it was raining hard and the rainwater was spraying up and some was landing on me and my blankets, but not enough to make me or the blankets really wet.

I got up at 7.30 and stashed the blankets and went to McD's, I had enough money for one more cuppa.
I also had a swiss roll that I got with small change last night for today's breakfast, so I ate that with my cuppa.
Last night the ambulance was called to one of the homeless guys, I didn't know if it was because of drink or drugs or because he is epileptic, but today he was sitting in McD's, completely out of his face. He gets DLA so probably it was payday yesterday.

I went outside McD's and found a free porridge token on the ground.
I went looking in all the bins for one more sticker but there were none, I need one more for a cuppa.
Then I found at that someone else was taking the stickers, he is a ratbag because he is not homeless and has everything he needs, there used to be a guy like that in 'Chavtown' do you remember that? He was a sex offender, this one in this town tried to kill his wife with a machete, but neither of them are/were homeless and they never needed to raid the bins.

Anyway, I sat in the churchyard for a quick pray and reflect and dread of the day and the church of england. Then I went to the loo and then I went back to McD's and used the porridge token for my free porridge. So now I am full of carbohydrates and food and hopefully that will last until 3pm because I have nothing until then.

Well I have enough for a cuppa at the cafe because I had 20p in emergency small change left and 30p in my post office account, and I also have five stickers so if I can find another then that will be another cuppa.
But no food.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

Hello peeps,
Welcome back. It has been a tough bank holiday weekend with no money or food or anywhere to go. and the hot sunny weather has not helped. As you may remember, I am allergic to the sun and too sensetive to heat, so while the rest of the world is joyful about the sun, I have to be careful and with nowhere to go and struggling for food and money, heat stress, caffiene withdrawal and low blood sugar have been a problem.

Anyway, back to the beginning.
Friday evening, I finished my work on the computer and went to Mass and met with my friends there. After Mass we headed for their home and stopped for chips on the way.

When we got home we had our supper and then I had a bath, I was tired enough to sleep halfway up a lamppost so I went to bed with wet hair and fell asleep.

I woke in the night shrieking with pain from cramp in my leg. I had been dreaming sad and distressed dreams about the church of england.

I slept again and woke in the early morning, I wandered out of bed and went to the loo and had a cuppa or three and some toast, one of my friends had gone out to Mass and the other was still in bed but she got up and came and joined me for a cuppa.
My hair was in a mad frizz from being slept on while wet, so I kept wetting it down and combing it until it agreed to behave.

We set off and had a nice drive to Chertsey and collected our friend, then onwards to London, another peaceful journey.

We got there in time for a cuppa and then it was time for Mass. It was a lot quieter than usual with so many people away.
Mass was good, and then we had our lovely lunch, chicken soup and bread. As usual I had trouble digesting mine and felt ill for some hours.
Thankfully the gardening tasks were all but rained off by the heavy rain and hail showers, so I could just rest.
someone asked if I wanted to go on the confessions list but my friend told me that Father was going to speak to me separately.

When it came to the Talk, I fell asleep, usually the brothers fall asleep but today I fell asleep.
Then it was Evening prayer and Holy Hour and I didn't fall asleep.
Then Father came to speak with me, we sat outside on a bench that was sheltered and he asked what was happening, I tried to explain the complex and horrible church of england situation and he listened and asked a few questions and then prayed for me and the situation.
I would have liked to have gone to confession as well but I suppose it was important to let Father know what was going on so he could pray.

Then it was supper time, nice chicken and pasta and Birthday cake because our friend from Chersey had her Birthday a few days before.

Then we were off, surprisingly early, but there were less people so everything had gone quicker than usual.

We did good time back to Chertsey and then onwards.
My friend was going to drop me off at a station but she couldn't find the money she was going to give me, and I had an idea that would get me home safer, I asked if she had time to drive me to the city.
She did.

I got the train from the city and changed train halfway, I got home feeling ten years older, on the first train someone had opened an emergency door so the train had had to stop, and on the second train someone pulled an emergency alarm cord. It was all purely because they were drunk, and it was one of the worst drunk trains I had been on.

Anyway, 1am in the morning, I got off the train and got a free cuppa off my pal in the burger van. He wasn't flirting too much either, for once.

I wandered into my porch and tucked in, I used less bedding but I couldn't sleep. 2am I fell asleep.
I woke at 6am on Sunday morning knowing that I was now out of money and food and that it was a bank holiday weekend and I had nowhere to go and nothing to eat.

actually I had enough for a cuppa, so I went to McD's and got a cuppa. And I also had a food parcel containing a some tuna sandwich, two bananas and two mini pork pies.

So I had a tuna sandwich and a banana for breakfast.

I went and sat in the foyer of a church and listened to the service and had a cuppa after church, someone invited me to something on Wednesday afternoon where I can get a cuppa and maybe some food.

I went and sat in the shadows of the other church, trying to keep out of the sun, people tapped on the windows and waved hello, and I waved back and rocked along to the music on my little radio.

Lunch time, I ate the other tuna sandwich and banana and the pork pies.

For most of the afternoon I rested quietly in the shadows, I took my boots off to try to help my battered feet, and I tried to trim some of the sore away and remove as much of the broken and infected nail as I could.
I lay on my sleeping bag and read books. And I sorted out my messy backpack until it became a light backpack again.

In the evening I went looking for food. I looked and looked in the bins and gathered five McD's stickers but couldn't find the vital sixth one.
I found a slice of pizza with a few bites out of it, and I ate that for my supper. I also found a half full bottle of lucozade, which I put in my backpack.

I went back to my sleeping place as soon as I could. The bank holiday meant that it was another noisy weekend night.

I woke in the morning feeling tired and ill. I tried to get up and staggered, neither my leg nor my head were steady, I was dizzy and the bad leg didn't want to take my weight.
I worked hard to pack my bedding up, but I was dizzy, as I put the bedding away my stomach lurched and I thought I was going to vomit, but I didn't.
I headed for town to see if I could find that sticker that I needed, I couldn't. I had to sit down because I was so dizzy and in so much pain, I remembered the lucozade that I had found the previous night and I poured it from the original bottle to my drinking water bottle, I drank it, it was flat, but within ten minutes the dizziness faded out,  and by the time I had done all the bins I was at the supermarket and it was just opening.

I took out my emergency small change, all pennies and tuppences, I counted out 23pence and went in to the supermarket. I got a packet of biscuits for 23p, this has saved me in thin times before. The assistant was very nice and asked why I was up so early on a bank holiday and I said I woke up early.

I walked to the church yard and ate a third of the biscuits with a lot of water to wash them down.
Then I went on with my search and found nothing.
I asked the cafe man if he would accept small change for a cuppa and he gave me a free cuppa.

I went back to my sleeping place and lay down on a sleeping bag with my boots and socks off, the sores are looking better.
I lay there and read a book, I looked at the emergency small change and there was maybe a few pounds, so I went to the other supermarket and got a cheap sandwich and a cheap swiss roll and paid at the self-service  tills so no-one would mind.

I went and ate my sandwich and saved the small swiss roll for later.

I kept walking round looking for the elusive sticker. I ate the rest of my biscuits. My friends were at the bus stop, they seemed to be there for ages and in the end when I was sitting by the cafe, reading a paper that I swiped out of a bin, they came to join me and bought me a cuppa tea.

When they left I wandered into the shopping centre and saw someone who recognized me and said hi. Then I found an unused £15 gift voucher with a receipt, someone had dropped them. The receipt said 'To get a refund please return within 14 days'.

I thought about this, I knew that it would be dishonest for me to return the voucher and get a refund as if the voucher had been mine. But on the other hand I was in deep need.

I asked God to send me another sticker so I could get another cuppa tea.

I tried a few times to go in the store where the gift voucher was from but I was panicky and I nearly fainted from the heat in the store.

I went outside and checked a row of bins, but there was nothing. Then my pal with learning difficulties shouted to me. He had one McD's sticker and he asked if I wanted a sticker, I said yes, I was grinning like a Cheshire cat, he also seemed very happy at my response.
I know I was not depriving him by taking the sticker, he has plenty of money for tea and cigarettes and often walks round town with a mug of tea from his home. Some months ago he had a card of four stickers and was offering them to everyone in McD's but so many people are nervous of him and his familiarity, I am ok with him and I know he just wants to be sociable, so I accepted the stickers back then and chatted to him.
But it was such a wonderful co-incidence that he had just one sticker for me today.

Anyway, I went back into the store when he had gone, and told the lady I had found this gift card, she told me she remembered who had bought it off her, it was an old man who couldn't decide what to get someone as a present so he got them that gift card. She took my name and contact details in case he came back in.

I went back to my sleeping place and lay there and read my book. The phone buzzed, it was the old man who had lost the gift card, he had gone back to the shop and they had happily reunited him with his gift card and he was grateful and thanked me.

At about 6pm I went to McD's and used my stickers for a cuppa tea and ate the swiss roll.
Then I raided the supermarket bins and got some grapes and bread and ate some of that.
Then I went for my walk and waited for bed time, I went back to my sleeping place and read my book and when I was reading it by lantern light I knew I could probably safely go to bed.

I lay down and slept quietly through the night.
I woke in the morning feeling distressed about the church of england and dreading the day, back into battle.

It was 7.30 before I could persuade myself miserably and painfully out of bed.
As soon as I had packed my bedding I had to dash for the nearest toilets with an upset stomach, thankfully that was only temporary and I came back and ate some more bread and grapes and drank lots and lots of water.

I foraged around the bins but got nothing. I waited for the library to open and I put some deodorant on but I have no wet wipes and very little else left so I couldn't easily wash myself.

The library opened and I got on the computer and was indeed straight back into the full horror of things.
Oh Jesus, how long must this go on for?

I couldn't concentrate as I was in so much pain and 1000mg of ibruprophen and some co-codamol wasn't actually making any difference.

I logged off as soon as I could and went to community group and asked if I could pay for my lunch and drinks next week as I had no money. They said I could, and one of the leaders had heard me and she lent me £5 to keep me going.
As soon as I started my first cup of tea I felt a bit better and as I drank more tea I felt progressively better. Well it seems that caffiene withdrawal was playing a big part in the pain then, though there is still some pain I am a lot better.
I had lots of tea and some fizzy pop and for lunch I had soup and a chicken burger and a hot dog.
I do feel a lot better but will be better still as the temperature drops and the rain comes, sorry to be a spoilsport.

Pray for me, peeps, I have to return to the church battle now, to remember the hell and horror and to answer questions and write statements.

Friday, 3 May 2013

Hey peeps,
I scooted along the line to the city.
I had my lunch here and I am in the library, listening to a spot of Mozart - Symphony 40 in G minor etc, soothing. I am trying to relax but I have a tight knot of fear and tension because the church of england battle rages on.

Tonight I meet my friends at mass and go home with them and it is the London weekend! :)
I am a bit tense about that as well, it is always a stress dealing with all the people, but I love it and I love them :)

It is too hot for me already peeps, pray me through the summer, my worst nightmare is a hot summer and I am already suffering in this warmth, oh, and the sneezes, hayfever season, dopey from anti-histamines that keep the asthma from getting worse from allergy, aren't I a spoilsport, you lot all love the summer! :)
Good morning peeps,
it is highly polite to say good morning but no one says it here any more.

Last night I went for a wander. It is still chilly in the wind but clear and bright. I ended up a few towns away and sat and a read my book for a while and then came and tucked down in the blankets, I was exhausted and slept like I was dead.

I woke up this morning feeling tired and groggy and needing more sleep. There was a blackbird nearby perched there watching me curiously, so I told it go and find a worm and it flew off.

I got up and dragged myself to McD's and had a light breakfast and then went to the coffee shop for a cuppa.

Then I went for my walk with my headphones in, someone asked me for directions and I didn't know the place they wanted, which always embarrases me.

I came back and had my wash and got some black bags and went to rebag my bedding and things as the bags had been disintegrating.
I did that and changed my socks and jumper and tried to treat my battered feet a bit, I am out of supplies, I need disinfectant and pins and things.

It is a warm clear day and the London weekend starts today.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

Good morning peeps,
Just doing the usual yesterday. walking quietly, drinking tea, listening to music.
I got a new book yesterday and was trying to read it by lantern light last night until I realised I was cold and it was time to bed down.
I tucked down knowing I had to be up and away early in the morning.

I slept peacefully and woke early and stashed and scrambled and as it was too early for McD's I went for a walk and sat and read my book when it got light enough.
Then it was into McD's for breakfast. And some more reading.
Then to the coffee shop for some internet with my coffee.

Then here to the library. It is a beautiful day out there though, so I am going to have a walk around later.

The London weekend starts tomorrow! :) I plan on making my way over to the city at Midday and we go from there.

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Hi peeps,
Well I made an effort. I scrambled together some wash kit and clean socks and knickers and I annexed the disabled loo, well there are several and it was early enough in the day.
I washed my hair and the water came away filthy black. I washed and cleaned the rest of me as best I could, now I smell nice apart from my jeans.
I feel like a secretary at the moment, sending and receiving and forwarding emails, some of which I do not fully understand.

Good morning peeps,
Nothing to declare.
The usual routine.
well actually last night I scooted to a nearby town to look something up and use the internet.
I now have yet another library card :)

It is a clear morning and I have had my walk but not my wash.
My hygiene has truly gone to pot as a result of the church matter. I don't have the time or concentration to find anything I need for my washes and my clothes stink as well.