I just went to McD's for a cup of tea, here I am just wondering if I should describe myself to you.
When I think I might, I also think, well there are many ways that a person could describe themselves, it is like walking in a maze, there are physical descriptions, character descriptions, belief descriptions, and many many more.
Shall I try an honest mix of all descriptions?

Physical: 5'7, light brown to dark blonde hair, green eyes,  funny shape (hunched up), slightly overweight cos homeless diet is not healthy and asthma makes the hard work and sport I used to do impossible. I was exceptionally strong and did hard physical work despite injuries, I was a gardener, farmworker, caretaker, but now I am homeless and no longer fit to work. I am nothing special to look at, but more recently I seem to look different and more men ask me out, which puzzles me.

I am one person alone, I doubt that I will ever have another boyfriend, and that is ok.

What is supposed to be wrong with me? The church tried to make me out to be mad, but I am repeatedly declared free from serious mental illness. I have Asperger's Syndrome, I have a type of depression called 'dysthymia', which comes from the chronically stressful upbringing that I had, and I suffer anxiety and PTSD,
physically I suffer mobility problems and pain from accidents and minor injuries, I also suffer Asthma that was in the background for a long time before becoming full blown and worsening over the past year as the homelessness and church issues have continued.

My character: well this is difficult, the church have tried very hard and very strongly to make me into someone I am not.
I come across as very shy and quiet, very unsure of myself, and this is how I feel, it really is, I sometimes come accross as guilty, as if I expect to be told off for doing something wrong, I am told that this is called false guilt, it comes from my childhood, from being punished randomly and when i wasn't actually or consciously doing anything wrong, I am very anxious all the time, worrying about getting things wrong, but at the same time I have a lot of anger in me, and I am very raw, especially now, I cannot cope with any conflict, and my situation and how I am seems to leave me open to a lot of conflict, I live in a kind of stupor most of the time because the memories and damage by the church are so bad, and I have lost so much, that I can only go on living if I can avoid the memories, I am an honest person, though the church deny me that, and I respect property and privacy, I love helping people, and the very worst thing that the church have done is taking away all my volunteer work and completely blackening my name so that I will never be able to 'help out' again. What more can i say? I hardly know myself any more, all I know is that I tried hard to pull away from my bizarre upbringing and get an education and work hard and do good, and the church, of all organizations, has destroyed me and all my efforts and told me it is just me. The only other thing I know I still have is a sense of humour that refuses to leave me, even at the worst times.

What I like and dislike, this and being asked what my hobbies and interests are are the worst things to deal with and explain these days, because most of what I like and all my hobbies and interests were suddenly taken from me a year ago.
I used to love sailing and sports, volunteer work, helping with all kinds of community events despite my communication difficulties, I loved studing and doing courses, and I loved my work, I made my life so full of constructive things, and now I can't do a majority of them, and the ones I could do do not have the same point to them any more.
I like making people happy, making them laugh and cheer up, but I cannot find much to laugh and joke about at the moment, I like music, it is the best therapy for my form of autism, music expresses the thoughts and feelings that I cannot express, I like cups of tea, lots of tea, I like solitary time and looking at the stars.
I used to love the sea, so much, but my memories of the sea are so damaged now, so harsh, my sea and my islands and my boats and my rocks make me cry to think about, so I cannot think about them. I like reading and I read so fast that people don't believe I have read books that they lend me when I return the book a day later, I loved my work and wish so much that things were different and I could work again.

I wish I could explain myself better, but there is too much to explain.

I wish I could really just tell you everything that is on my mind and not just keep referring to the church, but I have to be careful because they will get my blog deleted if I am not careful, and will delete it.

I am listening to 'Dublin City in the rare auld times', I wondered why it kept going through my head, the words go 'my mind's too full of memories, too old to hear new chimes...' I am not old like the man in the song, but my life, everything I struggled for and tried to build, was taken off me. I cannot imagine a new life, my life is too broken.