This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Saturday, 31 March 2012

Hello bloggypeople, I am sitting in bed to write this, very tired.

I went to the doctor with a list of my concerns, I got there late and he didn't have much time but he gave me some advice and gave me a tag to take to the hospital next week to have my leg x-rayed, and he said I shoul go back to see him after that and continue the discussion.

So then I waited ages on a crowded platform for a crowded train and I was off home to my chavtown.

I was lucky that I got a seat on my own for the whole journey and more lucky that someone had thrown a bottle of lemonade in the bin next to me, I was thirsty and I had used my last bits of change on a flying meal before I got the train so I had nothing to drink and no money for a drink, so I used the unwanted lemonade.

I got to the chavtown and got money from the post office, went to the market and got a cuppa and new bootlaces as I have snapped several in a row now.

I went to the library for a while then I went to see my friend at the art gallery, she was busy but she got her assistant  to make me a tea, and another lady started talking to me, and talked a lot.

Then I was completely out of energy, so I came here to the bed and breakfast to rest.

I don't know why but I run out of energy completely in the afternoon.

Cheerful was right when he said that the monopoly game that McD's does is a good means of getting food, I go round the bins collecting the stickers off McD's food packets and getting instant win food vouchers, last night I got a whole lot, so far I have won two apple pies, three fruit bags and a small fries, I have used the apple pie vouchers but not the rest, and I am sure I will get more. Cheerful wasn't on his pitch this afternoon.
I went to sort my stashpile out yesterday, but there were people nearby, so I left it, went to church for the course, finished by 9pm, exhausted by the football, and then went to stay over at my friends as they had invited me, slept really well and woke up in flashbacks and terrors.

Had a shower and breakfast and here I am, I have a doctor's appointment and then I am on that train home to my chavtown for a few days.

Friday, 30 March 2012

Hello bloggy,

I slept well last night, got up and moved at 7.30, got a cuppa at the bus station and read my book.
Went to church and then to the daycentre, had a shower and some breakfast at the daycentre, went to play football, didn't think I would last because I was struggling but I played ok, one of our players played his last match with us today as his leg is going to be amputated :(

I got dropped off in town and went to mass and lunch, all ok, and headed back to the daycentre to get my things, had another shower to recover from football, but I feel really rough, the football was too much for my system.
Came back into town, changed some clothes, got credit and replied to a text from my friends who are offering me a bed for tonight.

Here I am blogging, I hope I can go to my sleeping place and get some rest.

Thursday, 29 March 2012

Hello Blog.

I struggled with the library computer system yesterday and gave up and caught a bus to a town in the next county, I was very very depressed and I needed the bus ride.
I got back in time for soup kitchen and had some tea and sandwiches, then I sat in McD's until late, sad and unwilling to head back to the sleeping place, it was 23.30 by the time I bedded down, it was a warm night and I slept well, woke at 3am needing a pee, slept again and dreamed about a muslim boy eagerly telling me about his faith on his special day, the muslim equivelant to confirmation day. I have no idea where these dreams come from.

I woke sleepily when the alarm went and lazed around until 7.30.

Went to the bus station for a cuppa, nipped into church for a chat with God, went to the daycentre and had a shower, charged the laptop, went back into town and struggled with the library computers, didn't sign up for the Big Issue yet because I need to know the financial risk and how it will affect my benefits, because me trying to work and live on the earnings is a huge risk at the moment.

I suddenly started feeling really ill, I took inhaler and indigestion tablets but I felt bad, I went to my sleeping place and lay down with my book, it was cool and quiet there and I rested and felt better.

Went back to the library and struggled with their computers, went to mass, came here to McD's.

It is mild weather.

Wednesday, 28 March 2012

I left my friends this morning, went to the daycentre, had a shower, did my washing, went to play badminton with them, my leg hurt but let me play, the new bandage helps, came back, had lunch, collected my dry washing and headed into town.

Talked to the Big Issue centre about selling the Big Issue. Will go back tomorrow to discuss it further.

Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Hello bloggys,
I got my passport, what a momentous moment, took it with my cheque to the money shop, they cashed the cheque but charged vast amounts to do so, but I just have to think that I am lucky to have got that money at all and every little helps.

I went shopping, got some jeans, not great but a change from the ones that smell, which can now be washed, and got pants and socks, changed into clean clothes, had some food, had a haircut, felt better, now in all clean clothes as I got a clean top and teeshirt from my stash, I also bought a new bandage for my leg, and some more deodorant and things, sprayed my boots with deodorant and now all clean I feel better about going to my friends' house for the night, got to my friends' house, had supper, am now blogging.
This is my last night indoors, I am released back to the wild tomorrow. I wonder if I will still know how to hunt for my food? :)
Good morning bloggypeople, I am n the library, I went to the daycentre and had a shower and a delicious breakfast, their homeless cook has returned from wandering.

I am waiting to pick my passport up.
Good morning bloggypeople,
yesterday I stayed in the library and studied and then I had supper with my friends, we played scrabble and watched some television and I stayed over with them.
Here I am, it is a warm sunny day already, no fog, last night was forecast cold, I am missing the cold nights :(

Monday, 26 March 2012

I got the bus to the daycentre this morning, had a shower at the daycentre, and went to play pitch and putt golf with the other homeless.
Tag, cap and roar were all there, and there was a bit of a disagreement but it didn't get out of hand, we had fun playing golf, I have only ever played crazy golf once before, about five years ago, but I really enjoyed it.

Back to the daycentre, there was a jacket potato and some tea for lunch, and then I went to try to deal with the useless passport office again and got stressed, I will have my new passport tomorrow, I came back here and have been in the library ever since.
Good morning bloggypeople.
I haven't had much computer access since saturday afternoon.

On Saturday when the library closed I went to soup kitchen, as it is early at the weekend. On the way I met one of my fellow football players and he walked with me.
I don't like this soup kitchen, but they do hot food. It was chicken curry and couscous, which was very nice.

The big guy who was calling me a bitch and a slag the other week came along and my football pal said that he was his friend, I asked how come his friend was calling me names the other week, and he said that that is his friend being nice, the big guy came over and he immediately started going on about me insulting him, I said that he started it by calling me names, he started calling me names again, including 'four eyes' because I was wearing my glasses, I told him I knew council house trash couldn't count, he said 'are you saying I can't count?!' and I laughed and went to get a cup of tea, he came back over when I had got my tea and he started calling me racist,
I asked who I was being racist to, he said I was being racist to him, I replied that we were both pink and blotchy and very english and so I couldn't be being racist.
He muttered something but I couldn't hear him so I did the deaf sign and said pardon, he said 'are you calling me a Paki?' I said no and asked him to repeat what he said, he said 'how was your week?' I replied that it had been ok and I asked how his week had been. He said it was ok, and we both agreed that we didn't understand our fellow homeless at all, we parted company grinning.

I wonder if you can follow that at all? Life on the streets is bizarre and so are street people.

I didn't bother with much food from soup kitchen because I felt ill, but the soup kitchen people gave me a new pillow, a patchwork blanket and a spare emergency blanket.

I went to vigil mass, and was lucky to get a seat, good.
After vigil mass I put my clock forward because I was tired, and I went to McD's for the last tea of the day.
Then I went and bedded down warm and snug, slept. Had terrors in the night about the church.
Woke up to another misty wet morning, sleepy because of the clocks changing.
Got up and staggered to McD's for tea and porrige, read the paper intelligently, tried to persuade myself to go to early mass, couldn't because flashbacks were overwhelming me, my church secretary friend saw me and invited me for a coffee in his church, and I stayed for a while and chatted to my church secretary friend, then I was off to another church, but I was a bit late and I didn't dare to come in, so I sat and annoyed a squirrel and some birds.

Went in after church and had some tea, talked to some people, went back to my church, sat and read, my friend came in and was talking about me needing new boots.
Had to deal with a stupid beggar who seems to forget that he cannot beg off me, I told him to go to soup kitchen, I went to soup kitchen, my new friend, who I will call 'cap' was there and he talked to me, there was a drunk guy at soup kitchen and he kept falling over, cap was scornful, even though cap does drugs, the soup kitchen ladies asked the drunk guy what he fancied and he said he fancied one of them.

I had some tea and sandwiches and snacks but I don't feel well, so I saved my spare food.
Very upset stomach.
Eventually it is time for evening church, I hate the way the weekend days drag and I have to walk too much to keep occupied.

I was tired and I didn't really enjoy evening church.
I was getting overwhelmed and tearful, bad memories and the way I was made completely to blame by the church is getting too much for me, I know I won't be able to cope.
I phoned my church secretary friend as he had said that he and his wife would help me out if things ever got too much for me.
And they did help me out, they had me to stay overnight and I felt much better for being in human company, a lot of the time I need my space and outdoors and solitude, but there are times when the solitude is lethal, and yesterday was one of those times.

I am here at my friends' house, both of them have gone to work and I am using the computer, with permission, and I am off to the daycentre in a minute.
I still have a very unhappy belly, it is heavy and painful. I am not pregnant, no, I just need a new digestive system.
It is another foggy morning, but it is clearing.

Saturday, 24 March 2012

I am having bad flashbacks today. I tried to go to church and pray for comfort but it didn't work.

As I walked out of the library I was greeted by someone from one of the church, he asked what people often ask, if I had found somewhere to live, I explained to him that I don't live indoors and that is my life. He accepted that and said that the church could probably help me more, they have a shower and things that they can make arrangements for me to use, I said I would come tomorrow and talk with them about it.
He invited me to a meeting this afternoon and said that there would be tea and biscuits, but I wasn't sure about the meeting so I didn't go.

I had a jacket potato at the other church because they were having a fair instead of a coffee morning, several people there greeted me and chatted.

I miss so much out of the blog sometimes. I have discovered that tooth brushes are the best thing to remove dried clotted blood from under earrings, my ears react to the earrings and the sun and get sore and grumpy and my earrings also catch on my rough bedding as I bed down at night and they get pulled and hurt my ears.
when you see homeless people with holes and ragged bits in their clothes, it can come from sleeping and inhabiting rough places, my clothes and bedding are torn by brambles and trees when I go to get my bedding at night.

I hate enduring the weekends, there is nothing to do and nowhere to go, I am trying hard to drown the memories of sailing and the island that keep overwhelming me just as the church cruelty does, my abuser will be out there sailing, my old friends will be out there sailing, and I am here condemned and I will never have a home again let alone do the things I used to do.

Excuse my self pity, but most of the time I try to hide the hurt and the memories but sometimes I cannot.

It is now a warm sunny day here.
goodmorning bloggypeeps,

I went to the course last night, and it was ok, the assistant priest was leading it so it didn't go on as late as last week.

Afterwards I went to get a tea from McD's but they were closed due to a fault.
There s nowhere else that I know of like McD's for a late night tea, and my legs were so tired from trying to play football, I walked around trying to find my tea, I didn't want to brew coffee. Eventually I found a takeaway that did reasonable tea.
A mist was setting in and I stumbled weary back to my sleeping place.

I tucked down, the night was mild and my clean sleeping bag was warm, I slept and only woke when my alarm persitantly grumbled because I was ignorng it, I reassured it that I had heard it and I lay there snug on the ground in my bedding, there was thick mist and ragged raindrops again, this town specialises in this weather.
No one would see me through the mist and it is saturday so I felt lazy, stayed in bed until 7am.

Got up to avoid the terrors and memories that started setting in, stashed and sorted and moved out by 7.10am, off to the bus station for a cuppa, the mist is really thick, and here I am in McD's.

Last night I dreamed I was on a train, I got off at the wrong stop, my friend who I had fallen out with was there, she was talking to me, denying her side of things and her face was turning darker and darker until she was black, then I was alone in a town, there was a big fuss about racism going on and I was puzzled, lots of black people were around and I was reminded of my ex-sister in law and her children, a black woman with several children was walking along and ranting about racism,her children were playing on a wall, the bigger child jumped off and the younger one tried to follow and he fell and hurt herself, I was too far away and I shouted to the woman that her child had fallen and hurt himself but she didn't seem to take it in.
I have no idea what this dream meant.

Tag was a bit high yesterday, he was telling one of the others that I am a grand girl who cares for others and that I am a diamond, I wondered what he was talking about, I am not really doing much to help anyone these days, I thought about it and I can only think he was talking about me giving my sandwich  to an immigrant who turned up late and starving.
Tag was going on about how great he was in goal and how good he would be at football yesterday, but the drugs were obviously affecting him, he kept falling over and letting balls into the goal, he also sat next to me in the bus on the way back and sitting next to a hyper addict is not comfortable, especially not for me because I do not like anyone too close or that restless, it was very uncomfortable.

When I tried to play football my legs would not let me run and impact when I kicked the ball was agony.

The worst thing about rough sleeping sometimes is trying to get up, when you live indoors and get out of bed you climb out of bed and put your feet on the floor, I have to get up off the ground onto legs that can't unfold and take my weight, it is not fun.

 I have stopped being sick, but my stomach is still unhappy.

Friday, 23 March 2012

calming down again now, no trains today
Hello Bloggypeople, it is friday evening and I haven't nattered to you since Tuesday, so what happened? Well I just got caught up in things and I wasn't too well either.

On Tuesday I stayed in my old chavtown, I ended up making use of their good library, but I wasn't well, so in the end I didn't catch the train that evening.

At 5pm I came out of the library for a teabreak, and my bad jokes pal was there, smoking, unusual because he is never out in the evenings, he commented on me still being there and offered to introduce me to some people, but I declined, so he took Patrick giraf to introduce to them, then when he came back he told me he was going to our church, the one I don't go to because of the fall out with my friend.
He wondered if I was coming too, but I said no.
He took Patrick with him.

I went up to the rough council estate and made use of their post office ATM and their chip shop, I wish I hadn't gone to the chip shop because I was sick when I had eaten.

Then I went up to the church to extract my giraffe. My bad jokes pal came to meet me, and we larked around and joked, while the other church people enjoyed their tea, some of them waved and smiled but I was reluctant to go over because my old friend was there.

Me and my bad jokes pal walked up to the market and parted company there, he was going walking and I was going to the bed and breakfast.

I went to the bed and breakfast, I was very tired and rather sick and in pain, I did my hygeine and had a bath and watched some television and fell asleep.
I woke wide awake at 4am, needed the loo badly, upset stomach crashing about, my talisman glowed in the dark, reminding me that I was safe, safe even from the terrors that overwhelmed me.

I went back to bed glad that I wasn't sleeping outside, I slept again and woke in the morning, didn't feel too good, had soem tea and a shower and went to get the train.
Wednesday morning:

Started vomiting again on the train, luckily I always sit or stand in the corridor, and so I was right next to the loo.

Got back to my other town, sinking feeling at leaving my dear chav town and coming back here, but I need to be here.

Went to the daycentre, no post for me, didn't need food or a shower, but my heart was sad and I did what I do, I went back to the railway station.
On another train, a little shuttle train on a journey to another town 45 miles away.
The shuttle was ok, a bit crowded in the end.

Got to this town, followed an instinct to a resettlement centre, the person I was looking for was not there, no, they are probably dead anyway, the resettlement gave me coffee and cake and let me sit, they pointed me in the direction of the homeless services just round the corner, I nipped round there to check them out for future reference, there is only a hostel really, and a cooked breakfast, shower and laundry service for two hours each morning.

I wandered around, I know it would be hard to recognise the person I am looking for, I saw several possibilities, I didn't know where the cemetery was, and I didn't want to miss the last train, the train back was a different route, not a shuttle, a train that went accross to another town and changed into a big fast train, I had the time of my life on the fast train because there was loads of room, and I could stand in the corridor and hang my head out the window.
(I had stopped being sick by then and was feeling better).

I arrived back in my town - this is the newer town, not the chav town where I overwintered, I will call this newer town sattelite town.

I looked at the time as we arrived, I thought it was much later but it was exactly in time for soup kitchen.
I went to soup kitchen, tag greeted me, he had blood running down his face, I pointed this out and he said he had just injected 5 grams of whiz, he was very hyper.
He got me a sandwich while I got my tea, Martha and Natter were there.
Tag asked me if I wanted to buy some 'Moggies' (drugs), I said no.

It was a mild partially cloudy night, I went and bedded down and slept well.

Thursday morning, woke up early, bedding steaming, breath steaming, clear sky.
brewed coffee and went to the church to chat to Jesus and his Mum, crossed the road to the other church and had tea and a chat with my secretary friends, headed for the daycentre, had a shower and then headed off again.
Unsettled and sad, back to the railway station, I got a cheap ticket to miles away, 56 miles.
The journey involved changes of trains.
It brought back memories, the air and the scenery, sparkles of complicated and unexplainable early childhood memories.

After a wander round the new town I got the train back, but I managed to miss the station where I would change, so I jumped off at the next stop and caught a bus that came in right at that minute, the bus back to sattelite town, I was feeling sick again and the ride was bumpy, but there was onboard wifi, and one of my survivor's group that I founded was online and distressed by flashbacks, so I talked with her and she started to feel better.

Got back to sattelite town well in time for soup kitchen but by the time kitchen was 15 minutes late and there was a big crowd, I knew it was going to be too much for me, so I left, not feeling well, wandered and had a McD's cuppa, went to bed down, a mild night with cloudy.
Something big enough to be rat, cat, fox or rabbit came running along and I growled to warn it off, growl works, primeval instinct.

Woke up with my alarm clock escaped and muttering to itself at a distance, caught it and throttled it, early start because Friday is the day when I am most likely to be found here.

Picked out my dirty laundy and damp dirty sleeping bag and headed to the bus station for two cuppas, read my book, went to chat to Jesus, didn't stop for a coffee with the secretaries, headed for daycentre, showered, put clothes on to wash, the ladies said that they would put them in the dryer, but they weren't very dry later, went to football, couldn't play well because my legs were too bad and would not hold me.
Got dropped in town for mass and lunch, chatted to nice people and nice priest, my priest and my new friend weren't there, went back to daycentre, read, got my washing finished, came back to town.
weather, springlike.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

'The toilets are out of order, sorry for any inconvenience'.

I am still here, this town is as hard to leave as ever.

I had a good chat with my bad jokes pal.

I feel really ill.

I have money. My benefits came through.

I had one last attempt to communicate with my friend who I fell out with, she doesn't want to engage, so I will stop.
Today is mild and fairly sunny with a breeze.
Hello Bloggypeople,
I went to my friends house last night, it was a cold clear night again, I had supper with my friend, we watched some television and I had a bath and fell into bed and slept.
Woke up early with the indoors pain in my head and neck and some brief terrors, went to the loo and climbed back into the comfy bed a while.
Had a lovely breakfast with my friends and headed into town and the library, here I am, I am going back to the other town later when I have made the most of this good library, the other town has a bad library.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Abba My Love, My Life lyrics
I've seen it on your face
Tells me more than any worn-out old phrase
So now we'll go separate ways
Never again we two
Never again, nothing I can do
Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only
I've watched you look away
Tell me is it really so hard to say
Oh, this has been my longest day
Sitting here close to you
Knowing that maybe tonight we're through
Like an image passing by, my love, my life
In the mirror of your eyes, my love, my life
I can see it all so clearly
(See it all so clearly)
Answer me sincerely
(Answer me sincerely)
Was it a dream, a lie
Like reflections of your mind, my love, my life
Are the words you try to find, my love, my life
But I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Yes I know I don't possess you
So go away, God bless you
You are still my love and my life
Still my one and only
I scarce have dreams at night now, but the other night as I was at my friend's house I dreamed a sad dream about my old friend 'T' who had been a curate in the church and who had been taken from me by the church authorities, I dreamed she was there with me and we were by the harbour, she was trying to defend the church and I said to her 'you supported that woman (the safeguarding officer) in destroying me and left my abuser out there enjoying sailing', we could see him out on the water in his boat and the waves were crashing and I was full of grief that my sea and my boats were taken from me.
I woke up.
I am getting tired, I hope I can have an early night at my friend's house and sink into bed and into blissful sleep to make up for last night, I am looking forward to it, supper, a warm bath, and bed, but especially seeing my friends again.

It has been a nice bright day, not winter, not spring.

I went to talk to a counselling agency earlier, despite not really living here, I had made the appointment a long time ago and had not cancelled it, so I went to see, they said I am obviously seriously traumatised and counselling would have to be careful and done by an experienced counseller.

I went to see my friend at the jobcentre but she was busy, I will leave her a card sometime to tell her how the benefits office in the new town messed up.

I went to the market and thirstily had a carton of juice and two cups of tea.

I have about an hour before I go to my friends.
I went to the daycentre, stopped to mind cheerful's pitch on the way so he could go to the loo and get a hot drink.
had some food and tea at the daycentre, came back here.
Good morning bloggypeople, sorry I was stressful yesterday.

I managed to catch up with a number of people yesterday though, V., my bad jokes pal and various others.

I went to see the samaritans because I was upset about my old friend continuing the fight. I got one of the decent quality samaritans, so that was ok.

I went to soup kitchen last night, to ask if they had blankets and to catch up with everyone.
They said they had no blankets there, but if I met them at the centre after soup kitchen they would find me some.
The rain stopped and left everything wet and the temperature dropped to freezing.

P's female friend was at soup kitchen, she looked cold and scared, I think she is scared to go home, I asked how P. was and she said 'fragile', I am not sure what that meant, but we had a natter and kept each other company, there were a load of drunk hostel boys at soup kitchen, and a fight nearly broke out.

I met the soup kitchen staff and got two knitted blankets and another hat.

It was cold late night as I went to the loos and then looked for cardboard, I found a big slab of cardboard but it took time to decide where to tuck down, but I enjoyed walking through the cold quiet streets with the clear starry sky overhead.
I ended up in my porch at midnight, tucked down, wrapped up in scarves and jumpers, balaclava and hat, sleeping bag and blankets, but really it wasn't a warm enough blanket pile and I dozed lightly until 5.30 and then scrambled and headed to McD's after stashing my stuff, I had enough stickers for a cuppa, so I sat for about an hour in McD's and drank tea and read the papers, then I went to the market for my breakfast, a cuppa or two with some peanut butter on toast.

Then I went to the shopping centre and used a disabled toilet as a washroom, washed, cut and scrubbed my nails, felt clean and smart in another new top.
Went back to the market, more tea and then it is library time, I am trying to do some work but this row yesterday is upsetting me.

This morning as I walked into town, there was a shrine outside the lads hostel, one of them has died, how?
I also saw P's female friend again, I am worried now, surely she isn't sleeping rough because of fear at home and P. being a prat? I hope not, she is too nervous and vulnerable, excuse me being patronizing!

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Good morning bloggypeople.
Last night I slept at my friend's house, this morning I went to church with her, and was set upon by my former friend and her ally, again, as usual.
But it left me in tears.

I am going to my other church when it is coffee time, I am sure they will not set upon me.

Saturday, 17 March 2012

Right, I am staying with a friend tonight, I just had a chat with her on the phone. It is a good idea to get out of the weather, I only have a sleeping bag with me.
still raining, I went to see my friend in the art gallery, she said she hadn't seen me for ages and she thought I had upped sticks, (I didn't get to say goodbye to her when I left), I told her I had upped sticks but that I had come back for this weekend.

I feel like I have strained every muscle in my body, and when I sit down I seize up.
I just saw some of my friends and had a chat.

It is raining.

Today is St. Patricks day, so the giraffe is happy, tomorrow is Mothers day, so I can get a posy and sneeze a bit.
It is saturday in my old town, and I remember just how much the people here irritate me, they crowd, they collide, they walk too close, I have had such relief from that in my new town, and saturday is always the worst day for it here.
I just went to the daycentre here, they smiled and laughed about me aching from playing football, they gave me tea and beans on toast  and I sat in my corner and read my book, just as it always was, just as it always will be.

I told 'Cheerful' that the new town wasn't too rough, the fighting with chairs and road cones was nothing, he was happy with that.

It is raining here.
good morning bloggypeople.

Last night I went to tuck down, it was a cold night with a clear starry sky. I tucked down and was asleep immediately, slept well but for having to wake and turn my self over sometimes.

I had a bad back before the football, it is not a serious problem but at night it aches if I sleep too long on it, so I turn between sleeping on my left hand side and my back, but even before the football I have to wake up to turn myself because my back and legs cant move on their own, huh, being old is a pain! :):):) but anyway, it was much harder and more painful to turn last night, but even so I slept like a baby for most of the night, woke up warm and snug and bursting for the loo, don't you hate it when you are comfy but you need to the loo? The clear starry night had turned once again into a cloudy drizzly morning, and the rain encouraged me to get up, I sorted and stashed my things and took what I was taking on my journey, it was 6.30 so I bowled down to the bus station and got a cuppa, they are the closest thing to the market tea stalls here.

I decided not to go to McD's as I waited, because I can't walk fast today and I didn't want to risk missing the first train. I ache and am slowed up but I am walking well really, no limp.

I got to the station and considered having another tea while I was waiting, as I stopped to consider, Natter came out of the loos and went into the waiting room, I wonder if he is waiting for a train or if he is just sheltering. I considered asking him if he wanted a tea, but I don't want to seem patronizing and I was too nervous.

Anyway, it was soon time for my train.
One thing I love about this town is the real railway line, long distance trains of all sorts and also freight trains come through here, and every day I stop and watch the trains, and at night they are a lullaby. There are also long distance buses and coaches in all directions, and this makes me feel good, happy, not in a dead end.

Anyway, the train journey was ok, I got here, went straight to the market for peanut butter on toast and tea and here I am compooting as I do.


Friday, 16 March 2012

I had to decide between worship and study tonight, went and studied with other likeminded, lead by the surprisingly nice priest who has made me welcome in his church.
He says that even if I move on he will write a letter to the priest at my next town to say I have done the course.

I am in McD's, I will head for bed soon, because my train, the best train for me, is at 7.35am tomorrow, and I have to sort out my stashed stuff before I go, because there is too much of it and someone may have spotted some of it.
Last night I went to mass, it was ok, after mass the priest and my new friend said hello and chatted to me. They reminded me to come to tomorrow's lunch.
Then I went and got a McD's tea and went to tuck down.

I tucked down and slept through the night and woke up warm and comfy though I could hear the rain drops falling the same as yesterday morning.
It wasn't misty or cold though.

I got up, it was only 6.30am, I went to the bus station, the cafe was open so I got tea. Wandered about and then got some breakfast.
Went to sit in the church and natter to Jesus and his Mother, as I walked accross the road from that church, the man who welcomed me to the other church on Sunday was outside and he said hello and invited me in, he is actually one of the secretaries, he made me several cups of tea as we chatted, and he showed me their prayer room and let me have a chat with God there as well, that will wind God up no end.
Then his fellow secretary came in, she chatted to me too, and they said I can get a cuppa there any morning during the week.

Then I went to the post office to get money for bus fares and more tea later, then I caught the bus. Patrick was employed to keep a lively young boy amused while we were on the bus.

Got to the daycentre, threw my washing in the machine and sprayed some deodorant around, ate the second breakfast I was offered, put my clothes in the dryer and then it was football time. Tag was at the daycentre, he gave me a hug but didn't feel like playing football today.
There is another guy who I need to nickname 'roar', he gets on the staff's nerves a bit but he is actually quite funny if you listen to him, he is violently moody, but in a way that I understand, I like him but the staff think I get offended by him but I don't :) he is my type of unpredictable.

Football, not FA rules, not professional standard, but fun anyway, all precautions in place, blue inhalers in place and the coach and leader aware of my health and fitness, they said if I wanted to play a bit and rest a bit that was fine. I played the whole game, no time off for rest, it was a bit of a relaxed rules games, so me trying to be in my usual left back place wasn't possible, I was leftrightcentreback but enjoyed defending and even remembering some of the game that it has been two and a half years since I proudly donned my own boots and played football, today I played wearing my everyday street clothes and boots, but I played and my game made sense. I occasionally took a puff of the blue inhaler when the ball was down the other end or had gone for a few miles wander.

The guys were all nice except a fat guy who was rude and wanted a quarrel, so I squashed him, he is an unhappy person, but I haven't time to be his scapegoat. If that doesn't make sense, this guy doesn't know me from Adam but he calls me a bitch and a slag and leers at me and growls at me, I have only met him a few times and he wants to upset me, I have given him a few verbal clouts to tell him I am not weak or any kind of victim for him, that is the only way you can survive on the streets, no matter who you are.

The minibus dropped me off in town so that I could go to mass and lunch, I left my bag at the daycentre and I will go back there later.

Mass was ok, then lunch with my friend and the other church people, that was good, then my friend took me to her car to get me the sleeping bag that she offered me.
She gave me the sleeping bag and a bag with a bracelet and some toiletries and a card in, the card had a banknote in, which is lovely because my passport took a lot of this week's benefits.
What lovely people I meet!

So, back to the daycentrere, they made me a cuppa and there were chocolate eclairs. I sat and chatted to the lady who helps me, and charged my netbook a bit, had a shower, and then headed into town with all my new stuff that has accumulated at the daycentre and what I have been given today, I have too much stuff now, I need to sort it out.

The African man who was going mad the other night was surrounded by police officers in town.

I stashed my stuff and came here to write.

Today has been lovely, tomorrow is my special weekend, I head for the train first thing, to go back to my last town and spend time with my friends and in the library where computer time is plentiful.

Thursday, 15 March 2012

well I got my payment by the skin of my teeth, it was 12.20 when i got it, after wandering around cross and anxious because I had to be at the passport office for 12.50 and I needed the money to get passport photos and pay for the passport.
Once I had the money I hurried to find a place to get photos, found I needed a £5 note, went to change a £10 and no one had change, :( managed it in the end, acceptable but ugly photos.
Managed a cup of tea while I got my paperwork together, got to the passport office, hot and sticky, waited hot and sticky, started a migraine, waited a while, had an interview, paid the cashier, hurried off, hot and sticky, got food! At last! went to the bus station and climbed out of my thermals, it was below freezing last night and now it is hot.

I caught the bus at last. Got to the daycentre, the nice lady let me put my netbook on charge in her office while I showered, they had found me a pair of jeans that fit, so I took my smelly jeans off, I will do a load of washing tomorrow.
Very clean and comfortable in new jeans, teeshirt, top, socks and men's underpants, all I need is a new bra.

and boots

and a backpack.

Then it was back into town, waited ages for a bus, it was very crowded, so I waited for the next one which was quiet.
Got to town, managed to find a cup of tea of sorts, they don't have a good market or good cheap cafes really.

Went to see the nurse, she checked my peak flow and it is down to 360, she said I could play football by all means and it may help my lungs :) She also gave me six months supply of magic pills :)
I forgot my sore throat.

Here I am in a private study room. I am very tired.

Tomorrow may be a busy day, but tonight I am going to mass if it not too crowded.

I need a break from soup kitchen now that I can buy my own tea and supper.
Good morning bloggypeople from a miffed blogger.
I will tell you why in a minute.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon was spent in the library in a private study room, as is becoming routine.
Then It was time to kill time, I went in church a minute and then went back to the sleeping place and brewed coffee.

Then it was time for soup kitchen, I went via the bus station toilets and managed to help two damsons in distress as I went.
I went to the loo and then a two girls came in, one went in the cubicle I had been in and one checked the other out and found the door wouldn't lock, so I told her I would stand guard for her, then the other girl came back out crossing her legs and saying there was no loo paper in her cubicle, so I gave her my pack of tissues and that was my good deeds for the day.

At soup kitchen two of the brawlers were absent, one hopefully in custody and the other possibly got the kicking he deserved, and I shouldn't be thinking like that. The immigrant woman was there but she was quiet and behaved very well.

A man came rushing up to me proclaiming he had forgot my name again and grinning, I told him my name and he asked if I remembered him from the daycentre, he stopped to talk to me and told me his story, he had been caught for drug offences and had been put in prison, he had had to wear a tag when released, so I will nickname him 'tag', he gave me a street hug, which is a platonic hug like the ones that my friend M. used to give, he told me he is a born again Christian, he warned me not to sleep down by the canal - what canal??? He told me that someone down there had poured petrol over an immigrant's tent and set fire to it and the immigrant lived for six weeks in agony after that.
That makes me angry, the immigrants annoy the hell out of me sometimes but no-one deserves to be killed like that.
'Tag' has spent a lot of his life in the town I was born in, and like it or not I have some of the accent and so his accent makes sense to me.

'Tag' and one of the other men kept going and getting me sandwiches and biscuits, and I had plenty of tea, I also said hello to another immigrant woman who I will call 'martha', she is really nice and her english is good, so now I know some 'good un's' among the homeless, I am happy with that.

After soup kitchen I had a wander about and then went back to my shelter, it is a good idea to wander after soup kitchen rather than go straight back.

It was a cold night and one of the rare occasions that I didn't look forward to bedding down.
I put my scarf and balaclava on and put the roll mat down and the duvet on top of it, got into my old sleeping bag but the zip wouldn't work, I put the new sleeping bag on top of me, it wasn't really warm enough, I dozed until midnight and woke up needing a pee, had a pee and moved the duvet from under me to on top of me.

I was warm and slept well, my alarm clock made a half hearted attempt to wake me at some point but I was sleeping like a baby.
I woke warm and snug but feeling the heavy raindrops hitting my and landing all around me, poking my head out of the bedding pile I found that as well as big and ragged raindrops falling, there was a thick mist and it was freezing cold. The thick mist is great to hide in, but oh, the cold and the wet, the duvet was wet but the sleeping bags weren't too bad. I packed up and put the stove on for coffee, it was still early, too much time to kill, one of the curses of homelessness.
I have used my last coffee sachet.

I went into town and went to the loo, went to sit in the church, not hungry for my leftovers last night, this sore throat doesn't want me to eat.

Eventually it is time to go to the post office, they tell me my money hasn't arrived. Oh no, dealing with benefits office mistakes is the last thing I need today! I cannot get to the daycentre or get food or get my new passport without this money! I go to the benefits office but I stop at my new doctor surgery on the way, they have also had a glitch in registering me, just what I don't need, fortunately it gets sorted and I am seeing a nurse later.
Off to the benefits office, they are actually very helpful, I will have my payment in a few hours.

It is freezing and foggy.

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

I liked this, and you can tell I didn't write it as it is too good.

A Band Of Roaming Gypsies

In the early morning stillness,
I sit on the beach of life.
Beyond the foreboding mountains
near the life giving watery shore.
Feeling deserted by the world
when a band of gypsies stopped along the way.
Asked if I was lost
on my life’s quest.
I replied I was not sure.
Come and join us
as we seek our fulfilment
across the life giving waters
and life’s sifting sands.
So I joined the band of gypsies
as we travelled in all four directions of this world.
From the fiery morning mountains
to the cold caves where demons hide,
along the streets stained with sin
to find where our destiny might hide.

8 June 2008
David Harris
Good morning bloggypeople,
Well it has been a busy time.
After library yesterday it was so cold and I had nowhere to go, so I used my bus pass and buzzed about on a bus until soup kitchen.
Soup kitchen was explosive because some of the people were high on drugs and alcohol.
Soup kitchen was also very annoying because they forgot the milk this time, so I got hot water and sugar off them and brewed my own coffee J
Three people at soup kitchen were significantly causing problems, and a few others were dragging their dogs into the crowd and the dogs were getting trodden on and the owners were getting aggressive instead of leaving their dogs tied to the posts.
But the real trouble was a very high African man who was behaving unpredictably, the female immigrant who usually barges and shoves and is rude but who was worse than ever, and then a man who was just out of prison and trying to get with the drunk immigrant woman and was backing her up in her behaviour.
The immigrant woman ended up having a cup of soup tipped over her, and the man who was trying to be with her was raging to the soup kitchen that it was a racist attack, while the longstanding soup kitchen clients assured him that it was not a racist attack it was simply because the woman is a brute and a bully and someone got sick of being hit and shoved by her.
Apart from the three main problem people everyone was getting stressed, and people were threatening people and growling at each other.
After soup kitchen there was a wait until the late night outreach,
I considered going on the buses again for a while, but I decided not to as they are infrequent and I might not get back in time, waiting around is awkward for me because of my legs, and it was cold, so I went and watched the fountains for a while, then I sat and looked at the church, Natter came along, he was obviously very wound up about soup kitchen and he was talking to himself about it in a very agitated way, then he decided to measure out the churchyard and sight the church up to see how correct the architecture, I agree with him, the church spires are not level.
Anyway, soon it was time for outreach, only a few people were there, which was hopeful, but sadly it didn’t stay peaceful.
The outreach gave us each a bag and came round giving everyone equal shares of food, then they did gloves and socks and hats and scarves, there was bad tea and bad coffee, I didn’t get a decent drink of tea yesterday.
Anyway, they enquired who I was and why, as all outreach do.
They gave me a sleeping bag that was supposed to be good and three season, but it sadly turned out a disappointment as I will tell you later.
Anyway, the troublemakers turned up. And trouble began.
The female immigrant was going mad and slapped one of her fellow immigrants, a peaceful young man who looked startled and backed off, she went to slap him again and the outreach intervened.
A nice scouser pikey and hs girlfriend turned up and chatted to the staff and had a cuppa, the immigrant launched on them, backed up by the man who wants to get with her, a fight involving chairs and road cones ensued, the African man who had been generally shouting, rabble rousing and doing mad press ups while shouting about his county joined in the fight and the outreach broke it up and took the scouser and his girlfriend to a distance to talk to them, the man who was defending the immigrant decided I was the next target because I was quiet and alone, he took to calling me weird and grabbing at Patrick, so I told him with added F-words that I only use on aggressive men that I was not his victim and that his fawning on the immigrant was weird. He was immediately silenced and a member of outreach came and stood between us and asked what was going on and I told them.
The female immigrant was told to leave several times but didn’t, and she and the African man continued to cause upsets but not so bad, the third man faded into the background but whined that he would be set upon when he left the outreach, I hope he was, he needs a good kicking, stirring trouble and encouraging and picking fights, he was sober, the other two were out of their heads.
Anyway, I headed off to sleep, the temperature had gone back up, it was midnight when I got to my sleeping place and decided to test my new sleeping bag without putting the duvet on top.
The new sleeping bag was narrow, not warm or comfortable, the old one was better, I only dozed, until 3am, when I got up and had a pee and put my old sleeping bag on top of the new one and tucked back into the new one, slept warm and cozy and dreamed about the church and their huge corrupt and dishonest power.
I woke up gloomy from that but did not dwell into terrors, which is the difference between being indoors in any form and outdoors, the terrors do not hold on.
Got up, packed, put some clothes ready for washing, got rid of waste food as I walked up to the bus station, used the loo, cleaned my inhalers, got water and went back to brew coffee.
Brewed, grabbed my washing and old sleeping bag and headed for the bus.
Got to the daycentre, listened to the entertaining bickering of the few men who come in for breakfast, had breakfast, it was egg, sausage, beans and toast, with dishwater tea.
Then it was time for a shower and to put my washing in the machine, the washing cycle is quick and it finished while I was showering, so my things are in the dryer, including Patrick, one sleeping bag, socks and thermals and one jumper.
I am staying at the daycentre for lunch, and then I don’t know.
I just checked my things in the dryer and put them on for longer, poor Patrick will never forgive me for putting him through this ordeal, but I would rather he was clean and upset than dirty and a health hazard. (don’t worry, I know he is a toy, but he has always been hand washed so far).
I am thankful that the weather has not been hot and bright as forecast but cold and grey, the more respite from heat and sun I get the better.
Lunch was bad cottage pie, this place does bad cottage pie or bad soup for lunch L
Still, it’s food.
I think I should get my own teabags and bring them to the daycentre and say I am on decaf, then I will get better tea ;-)
I am very tired.
I am going to get my laundry soon, a clean Patrick and clean thermals and clean sleeping bag, then I will go into town and see if I can make a doctor appointment to check out the checkup J
They are making me eat more cottage pie, not only are they making cottages extinct by putting them in pies, but they are being cruel to me as well ! L
I am being helpful by forcing myself to eat it so they don’t have to throw it away. Ha! At least they made me an individual cup of tea, which is not as bad as the urn tea.
Someone commented that I eat quickly earlier, yes I do, I used to be the slowest eater but now I hoover and gobble in case my food runs away before I have finished J
I got my clothes and Patrick, all clean and nice, Patrick doesn’t seem traumatised, he seems refreshed and plump and happy, he was looking sad and motheaten before.
Before I left the daycentre they had a delivery of clothes, and among those were a load of cotton tops and teeshirts, so now I have lots of good tops and teeshirts so I got to remove my dirty fleece and teeshirt and replace with a clean teeshirt and a smart cotton top.
I came back into town and checked if my registration at the doctors surgery was processed yet but they said no, come back tomorrow, so I am in the library working in private study.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

after library I went to the daycentre and had a good natter with the nice lady, she had a trainee social worker with her and I didn't mind, the more people who can hear from a homeless person what problems the homeless face the better. The nice lady assured me that I would be ok at the daycentre, the council wouldn't come here, and I believed her.

I had a nice long shower and some bread and soup, I was going to go back into town for a better lunch at the church but I ended up staying while the staff looked for some spare knickers for me, they could only find men's briefs, so I am a secret transvestite now :)

I charged my netbook up and also my phone, my phone was nearly out of battery and that would be a disaster as it is my torch, alarm clock and emergency communication tool.

All charged, and the girls at the daycentre cooked some sausages, so that was good.

Here I am in a private study room, these rooms really help me cope as the social phobia when i am in the main library is bad.
I thought I would be too wound up to sleep last night, but in fact I had my best night's sleep here so far, which is on target, the first week in a town you don't know is when you don't sleep well, it gets better as the days go by.

I tucked down and slept instantly, woke at 3am for a peepee and slept again until the alarm went off, but I lazed and dozed because I was so comfy despite the fact it was raining. The rain only went into my duvet, it didn't get as far as me where I was snugly tucked into my sleeping bag feeling comfy and content :)

Breakfast was sandwiches on the church wall, and then I went and had a natter and a chinwag with Jesus and His mum and all the saints, then I went through the horrible ordeal of benefits office, and here I am.

Monday, 12 March 2012

Well I went to the homeless meal and got a shock when I had the council threatening action against me for sleeping rough, thge council are going to get a shock in return when I answer their threats fully, comprehensively and legally, bastards.

Left them having called their bluff. Angry and distressed, made my way back to soup kitchen, the homeless meal was rubbish but soup kitchen was great, and I wonder why the council don't threaten my 30 or so fellow homeless people instead of threatening me.

I have food for the morning but no deoodorant and only cofffee to brew :(

I will not go to the daycentre while I am being threatened by the council.
I went back to the daycentre for lunch, it was the real Bugsy malone down and out lunch, a bit of bread and a bit of soup, I didn't walk on the table and sing 'we as one will up and out'. I ate and I had tea, daycentre tea is the same as army tea, but as before it is better than nothing by a long way.

Then it was back to sorting paperwork out, I have an appointment tomorrow morning, an appointment on Thursday, one on Friday, and I am now registered with a medical practice and will be able to make appointments with them from wednesday onwards, they seem well equipped so i have to hope for the best.

I heard back from the charity who are helping me, that cheered me up.

Now I am in the library in a quiet study room, and I am going to try to book one of these when I can if I can keep charging the netbook at the daycentre.

There is a drop in for homeless people in about an hour and I will go there as I am hungry, I hope they have blankets there, but even if they don't I will be taking my sleeping bag for a wash tomorrow and getting my other bedding dried out and getting as man yof my clothes washed as possible as well.

I am happy enough with the weather, it has stayed cloudy.

I do need to get this throat looked at, it isn't getting better and I can feel the infection getting to the rest of me.
I forgot to say that last night a drug-crazed immigrant came after me, I refrained from clouting him and went into a restaurant instead and the immigrant threw himself at the doors, growling, the waiter went and had a word with him, he went away, when I continued my journey the immigrant was hugging a lamp post for dear life and hurling insults at people, then he let go and went over to a wall and started smashing his phone against it, hilarious, I could have knocked him out but I can't risk police trouble, not even to defend myself.
Good morning bloggypeople, I have such a lot of catching up to do. Such a lot! :) Internet is so scarce here but I am working on maximising internet time.

After my internetting on Saturday I ran out of internet time and also battery on the netbook, and you are not allowed to plug into the mains here, so I read the papers and went to the coffee morning.

Coffee morning was good, they gave me my own personal pot of tea, jug of milk and cup of sugar and a plate of biscuits and they talked to me.

Then I was at a loose end until soup kitchen, I spent more time in the library, reading papers. Went to make an appointment to do with paperwork, that will be on Thursday. Found a voucher for a pot of tea at a cafe and went and enjoyed that.

Eventually it was soup kitchen, it is earlier at the weekend. It is a different setup at the weekend and they give us a tub of hot food each, sausages, beans and jacket potatos, I ended up being first in the que by a fluke. Then they gave us cakes and fruit and toiletries, sadly no deodorant, I asked if they had blankets but today they had none, so they gave me lots of food to take away, none very appetising, but it is food, and that is what matters. Sadly the tea that they did was made with powdered milk, which I'm allergic to :( yuk.
After soup kitchen I went to vigil mass but it was crowded, standing room only :( so I sat in the porch and listened to the speakers.
After that I went to bed down early, it was another cold night with a heavy dew again, and I slept in shifts again.

Woke up and brewed coffee early, walked along the road and suddenly wondered what happens if a kangaroo has hiccups, missed my bad jokes pal, I would liek to ask him what happens if a kangaroo gets hiccups.
Went to early mass and was ok though it was crowded, then headed in the direction of the other church where I will go to main service as main mass will be packed to the doors. On the way a friendly church smiled at me as I looked at it's notice board, I will go to the evening service there but as I passed by and stopped to look, they invited me in to have a look round, introduced themselves and gave me phone numbers for if I wanted a meal or a bed for the night :) nice, real Christianity :)
They had visiting speakers from a charity that rehouses people and the speakers came and had a chat and said that if I wanted their help then I was welcome, they gave me contact details.

I wandered off to meet my other new church and met them, stayed, enjoyed it but felt as socially awkward as usual, had a coffee with them, headed back into town, met some people on the way back and mistook them for people from mass but they were from coffee morning, God, I have a hectic social life! Anyway we stopped and chatted a bit and commented on the weather and talked about worship, and then on I went, went to my mass church and lit a candle, my friend there appeared and gave me a banknote.

Then I went back to my sleeping/stashplace and lay down and had a nap.

Then it was time for soup kitchen, which is even earlier on a Sunday, it was a very basic and unappetising soup kitchen, and they had forgotten the hot water, so there is no tea.
Nothing to take away with me either.

Then a minibus came to take homeless people to church and dinner, but I decided not to go, I am wary of these things since that cult got me, I went to McD's and got a tea and read the paper until it was time for evening church.
I really enjoyed church and met some lovely people.
Then it was bed time and because it was cold and wet I went and slept in the toilet, slept quite well, had the terrors at 3am in the morning and sent the terrors by text to a charity that is helping me, and they said I could text, but it used up all my credit that I used the banknote for yesterday.

Woke at 6am and moved out, went to my stashplace and brewed coffee, got the bus to the daycentre when it was time. It is cold and drizzly.

Had beans on toast for breakfast and had a much needed shower.

I am going back for lunch soon, I also got to charge my netbook there, so I can internet later.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Good morning bloggypeople, I nearly went to morning prayer but I had sinful cravings for the internet so I came here instead, I will go to mass tonight instead. :)

So, what is happening?
I went to the walk in centre after I had been in the library, they stocked me up on asthma medicine, the daily asthma medicine, the one that I got a week or so ago was the reliever inhaler.

I went to soup kitchen last night, it was good, I hoovered some ham sandwiches and four cups of delicious tea, and I took some crisps and chocolate wafers for the next day as the weekend is going to be more scarce of food.

Soup kitchen was as quiet and ordered as usual, there is just that one rude pushy immigrant who pushes.

Anyway, it was cold, it was a friday night, so I wanted to get away from the town centre a bit, and I had somewhere in mind :)
I went back to my stashpile, which is in a different place from where my stuff was nicked from, my stashpile was safe and sound, a bit wet from the dew.

I staggered back to where I was hoping to sleep, I picked up a bottle of spring water, half full, as I walked, ideal.

I had a scout round the new place, the problem with new towns and places is you don't know what other people might do, or if someone else sleeps there, I stayed very alert and slept lightly when I bedded down, the cold clear night and very heavy dew did't help, after all, it is my first night out under the stars for some time, but I was ok, I dozed and rested and listened to the trains chugging past, my favourite lullaby. I feel better for my night outdoors, never mind the lack of sleep, I have been in this town three nights and have got through those nights without being disturbed and in the first week in a new town that is all that matters, nothing else matters.

I got up early and went to get water, set up my stove and brewed coffee, did some weeding in the public gardens and then went to have my wash.
My breakfast was crisps and chocolate wafers.
I nearly stayed for mass when I went to sit in the church, but I decided not to, I will go this evening and I want to internet for a while.

There is a coffee morning nearby in about an hour, and I will go and join that and that will be the next stepping stone for the thin weekend.

Friday, 9 March 2012

If only I had enough words
to tell you why I overreact
or the courage to even face you
then I would

If only I had the faith left to stop running
then I would stop and face you
and somehow calm your anger
and make a happy ending

but I have no words
no way of knowing what to do
except panic, hate myself and run
so the ending is not a happy one
I went to mass and lunch and that was all very nice.

Then I went to the daycentre and collected my brew kit and stove because the daycentre is closed at the weekend.

I am very very tired,.
the homeless man is sitting there talking to himself about there being too much mustard in the world, he is nice enough, I will call him 'natter'. in future, cos he talks a lot, to himself.
Well last night after library time I went accross the road, there is a big church there and I went in, it was all ready for worship, candles glowing, but I didn't dare approach the priest, so I waited for people to turn up for the service but I knew I had to go to soup kitchen and get my supper, so when a nice looking lady came along I asked her if she would chaperone me to speak to the priest, she happily did and I sat with her and the priest and asked if they could add me to the prayers because of my distress. They were happy to and they invited me back for mass and lunch tomorrow as I had to go to soup kitchen rather than stay for mass.

I went over to soup kitchen and it was the same as yesterday, really really good, food, good quality food overflowing from the van. hot drinks, soup, excellent sandwiches, crisps, cakes, chocolate, it was never ending.
They also had bedding, I asked for a duvet and they gave me a bag with two duvets, I handed one back and they gave me a pillow. They also handed out loads of toiletries and even makeup for the girls, I got a spray deodorant and a little shower gel, there were more girls tonight.
No one pushed or shoved apart from one female immigrant.

There was one girl who could see I was worried about leaving my things on the edge of the area with the others and she said 'don't worry, no-one will touch them while I'm here', I liked her, she had an accent and was dark skinned, Romany? or somewhere else? I couldn't tell. I hope I get to talk to her a bit more.

After soup kitchen I was tired, I wandered around and tried to make a decision on sleeping places.
I ended up back in the disabled toilet, but I must stop doing that, it is causing flashbacks and I don't sleep deeply as the light in there is on a sensetive sensor and comes on if I move in my sleep.

I am glad I made this move, it was a tough one but I know I did the right thing.
A settled rough sleeper and a traveller are two different people.

I woke wide awake at 5am, neither sleepy nor tired and packed myself up and wandered off, suffered massive distresses, I must not sleep in that toilet any more, the flashbacks are about being locked in a cell, and then all the rest of it.

Anyway, I wandered around, remembered I couldn't brew tea because I had left my brew kit in storage at the daycentre, so I just ate some of the plentiful supplies that I got from soup kitchen last night, went and had a quick wash as I will have a shower later, I had a shower at the daycentre yesterday but forgot to mention it, they gave me loads of lovely toiletries and things.

I decided to set of in the direction of the daycentre early as the bus route is complicated and I was worries about not getting there, I was ok though, found it and continued on the bus to a big shopping centre about half a mile further and had a wander around while I waited for the daycentre to open, then bussed back.

Breakfast was sausages and beans on toast and lots of tea, I sat and read a book and then had a long shower.
Then the only other three people there were going to play football, I was so very tempted to join them and I think I will try to next week, I know I am not really fit to but I need to, I need to more than you can possibly understand. I will try and play for a while if the staff at the daycentre are understanding, they organise the football, I think the bandage on my leg will help with the impact. Please agree with me, I need to play football.

Anyway, they went to play football and I came back into town because I am going to mass and lunch in half an hour.
And here I am, rested, fed, washed, plenty of bedding if it hasn't been nicked again, and I wouldn't be surprised :)

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Did I tell you I have a new library card? :)
Hello english blog reader
To cut a long story short my attempts to find the daycentre were disasterous, even the homeless man from last night didn't know where it was.
In the end I got as far as the salvation army and they gave me a lift to the daycentre, which was miles away.
Which means it wasn't the rough, busy place I had been expecting, it was a very quiet and nice place, I got registered, and fed, they seemed to think I needed lots and lots of food, they also got me a sleeping bag, a roll mat, hat, scarf, gloves and socks as mine were all pinched yesterday.
They also got me a one week bus pass because it is too far for me to walk there and back, it nearly killed me trying to walk there and losing my way carrying a very heavy backpack, but my backpack is now much lighter as I left a lot of stuff stored there, the only pain for me is that I have to carry the roll mat and sleeping bag with me in case they are pinched. And my shoulders are sore from carrying heavy weights.
I will go to soup kitchen later and then I will bed down.
I got a painkiller stuck somewhere in my gullet last night, it feels like it is still there, I wish it would go and check out the pain instead! :)
good morning bloggytypepeople,

well the first night in a new town you can expect a hard and sleepless night.
But it is much worse when someone pinches your sleeping bag and blankets and spare clothes.

I went looking for a sleeping place last night and found a number of potential options, I also checked out a disabled toilet in case I wasn't sure, went to get my things and they had gone, thankfully I was in full thermals and layers already,  stood aside to let some cyclists past and when they politely thanked me I realised they were police officers :)
Then I went to the disabled toilet. Someone else already inhabits it and they were in there and not too pleased at being disturbed, so I tried the one just round the corner, it isn't as luxurious but it was certainly better than nothing.

So I bedded down, one emergency blanket on the ground and one covering me, certainly as good as it gets when you are left stranded with your stuff pinched, it is hard to bed down on a hard floor and the thing that kept me awake most was having to change position all the time, those blankets make a racket when you move.
Anyway, I dozed in shifts, as you do when you are in such a situation, and I was geared up for not much sleep last night anyway as I didn't know how successful I would be in finding a sleeping place.

I am most upset about my hot paws socks from canada being nicked, I loved them.
my night was full of distress, distress at leaving my friends and my town, and horrific bad memories about the church.

The good thing about waking up in a disabled toilet is that you can immediately have a good old wash and start to warm up and recover, so I did.

Then I came to McD's and am drinking tea, you know it is a bad town cos the tea is 89p, the price is always, 89, 99 or 1.19 depending on the general state of the town. :)

The police are outside questioning some kids, at 6am in the morning!

Wednesday, 7 March 2012

I went looking for soup kitchen, no sign, miles of cars and no people, then I saw a solitary man with a sleeping bag, he was having a good old chat to himself, so I asked him if this was where soup kitchen was and he said yes and went back to chatting to himself. They he told me it wouldn't be for half an hour, I had been told the wrong time, and it is cold to sit or stand and wait.

One by one shadowy people started to congregate, until there were about 20, quiet and serious, no laughter as there was in the other town, and these people spit a lot, the only sign I saw that this town is any rougher than the other.
No one even laughed at Patrick riding shotgun on my backpack.

soup kitchen arrived, and it was good, everyone got a good quality parcel containing sandwiches, crisps, a cake, a chocolate wafer, and there was real delicious home made soup and tea and coffee.

There were only two other females in the group, the group remained quiet and there was no pushing and shoving.
The staff kept offering everyone chocolate biscuits and peanuts and more soup. It was nice, and the staff didn't do anything except serve food, no attempts to chat to me about being homeless, thank God.

Right, now I just have to work out how to spend the most difficult night, the first night in a new town.
well after a few delays and setbacks I arrived here, I arrived, wandered around, found a stashplace, always tricky at first but maybe my sleeping things and clothes will still be there later, I can't carry everything all the time.

This is indeed a rough town, but they believe in personal space here, and that is what matters.

I enjoyed the journey here.

Before I left my town I picked up my new mouthguard from the dentist and managed to get a grip bag from the charity shop where I also donated all my spare clothes.

so I have with me a heavy backpack, a roll of bedding and a grip bag of clothes.

I am in McD's for a comforting cuppa, it will be soup kitchen soon, time to face the horrible reality of this new town.
well time is ticking away.

I went to the daycentre with a thank you card, they told me they would look forward to seeing me back again when I return.

cheerful Big issue seller told me not to go to the rough new town, he says I am mad, yes I am, he told me a bit about the town because he knows it well.

Then I went and sat with my friend in church, she and her neighbour had done me a lovely card and told me that I would be welcome back if I changed my mind, she said she may have to take in a lodger one day, hint hint, I told her I would be a good helpful lodger and hoover the cat every day. :)

It is raining and I have about two hours left here, this is a sad day indeed, this town is special.
I suppose I am interested to see what the homeless community will be like in the next town.
The homeless community here is almost non-existant and maybe I miss the company of other homeless people.
There are some aspects I don't miss, but I do remember how even the alcoholics and addicts in other towns would share their food and hot drinks with me, and I would share my food and spare blankets with them, maybe I need that kind of fellowship again for a while.
But I know that this new town is tough, so I just hope to go on doing as I have done throughout my homeless journey, finding the nicest people in the world in every town, even London.
Well this was the morning I didn't want to wake up to, but I woke up and got up and finished cleaning the summerhouse and packing my things, I packed my backpack and a bag of clothes and a bedding roll of a sleeping bag, a blanket and a small light duvet, that is really a bit thin considering I am going from shelter to open air again and in bad weather.
The wind and rain continue.

I went to catch the bus and got into town, got a locker in town to store my things in until go time as I have to wait until after my dentist appointment this afternoon before I can go.
Then it was breakfast at the market, tea hour, and here I am in the library.

Tuesday, 6 March 2012

In case you are wondering why I feel like listening to 'Everyday' by Phil Collins, the answer is just general sadness and nostalgia, leaving this town and remembering various friends who have been left behind or gone or died at different points, and probably an element of sadness about falling out with my church friend recently, she is a rare gem and that has been a blow to me, all my other friends are still strongly there and asking me not to move on, and I am not moving on to upset them, I would stay if I felt that was the right thing, I will miss them and I will want to come back.
ah, there is a market there too, it is a bit of a basic one compared to here.
Here is a wise tip. If you have been settled for a while and decide to move on, don't leave getting a new grip bag until the last minute, you wont get one or you wont get one you can afford. :(

I have been sorting out moving on. The benefits office have registered me at my new town before I have even got there.

It has stopped raining so much now.

Tonight is my last night here, where the hell will I be tomorrow night?

Heartache and hope, that is what this move is about.

No-one wants me to go to this rough new town, but I need to.

The lovely lady who helps me with paperwork knows the town I am going to and she doesn't want me to go. :( she even tried to get me registered with another doctor here in order to get me to stay, but she couldn't, because this county uses an illegal policy.

I think that most of my paperwork is now semi-in-order and waiting for next week when I will have the money to complete it.

The new town has soup kitchen every night, day centre every day, a library that is happy to register me, and my visit to the town showed that it has McD's, a pound shop, and all the other usual stuff, as well as the walk in centre that I will go to to get a new inhaler.

I am just looking up the churches.
I went to the summerhouse and fell asleep immediately with Phil Collins singing me a lullaby.

Woke up hot and headachy but not too depressed, put the kettle on and made tea, late waking up so I went to McD's for porrige and waited until the buses were less crowded.

In town i went to talk to the lady who helps me with paperwork and muddles, she is going to phone ahead to the town I am moving to and ensure I can see a special needs advisor at the benefits office there.

Had a sausage butty for early lunch, £1.10 for three decent sausages in a roll, I hope there is a market at the next town.
Tell me, why if I put my whole life on this blog do I have so many views of my profile?????

crazy people.

Monday, 5 March 2012

I have got back to the McD's near the summerhouse, it is pouring with rain, I am not looking forward to going back to the summerhouse really.

It is still relentlessly raining, which is ok by me.

I am more worried about the depression of the summerhouse.
It is linked to being within four walls I think, it is not the same as if I sleep indoors but it can be bad.

I think I will be asleep as soon as I lie down.
I feel better from the depression, almost cheerful. But I do need someone to tuck me into a big soft bed and tell me a bed time story, nothing scary please.

It continues to be cold wet and windy, I continue to feel like absolute rubbish.
Yesterday was deep deep depression.
I was reading a fascinating book in the library, then I went to the samaritans.

The samaritans are just not worth the bother.
when you go to see the samaritans regularly they get smart alec about it because they keep notes on you and compare notes, I am tired of getting there and meeting new samaritans who I have never seen before but who ask very obvious questions based on what my notes say, I feel like the regular lunatic, the smart alec yesterday said 'have you got any plans for the immediate future then?'
'no', I replied and didn't advise her to ignore what her colleagues say my blog says, they read my blog, no, they do, and that means I cannot have a peaceful and anonymous chat at the samaritans here, moving on will help with that, cos the next lot won't get my blog address. The samaritans here have told me they read my blog. But I am tired of sitting with someone who doesn't want to be there and who has read the rubbish that the samaritans write about me. In London I resorted to using a different name every time after a samaritan told me the incorrect things that had been written about me.

The weather is bad, stormy, high winds and heavy rain, I got soaked walking from the bus to the local church, who had cancelled their evening service, and then back to the summerhouse.

In the summerhouse  I changed into thermals and wrapped up in blankets to dry out, fell asleep with no supper. Woke at 3am from a dream where I was playing pranks with balloons in the library and laughing, woke up and crashed back into despair.

The wind and rain were howling round the summerhouse but I was too hot, water was coming in and soaking my blankets and pillows.
I got up and peed and put the kettle on and tried to rest but I was wide awake, I ended up listening to the radio and writing a letter and drinking too much tea, couldn't even doze, I will be tired today.
The wind blew me to Mcd's for porrige at 6am and I will be heading into town shortly.
good morning bloggies, especially the person reading the blog right now.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

The town I am moving to is rough.


oh well, I will be there for a week or two.
Then onwards.
I feel absolutely rubbish.

I wish I could believe that going to the samaritans would help, but it probably wouldn't.
church always makes me feel restless and naughty, I feel like going round putting mice down people's necks during the sermon.

I didn't expect I could cope with a whole formal church service ths morning, but I coped because I sat with my friend by the radiator.

Last night was difficult. I am still dealing with this falling out and it makes me despair.

This morning I got up and went over to Mc|D's for porridge because it is cheaper and better than buyng my own just-add-water porrige.

Then  I went to get the bus, it was there on time.

Got into town and went to church, my friend sat with me by the radiator for the whole service because she wasn't feeling too well either. We both went up for healing.

After church my friends all came and had a chat and one of them slipped me a banknote, as she sometimes does :) so I went to have sunday lunch.
I can eat, but I feel physically and emotionally wrecked.

The weather is turning bad.

Saturday, 3 March 2012

Earlier Big Issue man asked me to go to McD's for him to get him a coffee, he had a full card of stickers, McD's was hellish crowded, when I returned with his coffee he gave me his spare stickers so now I have 7 or 8 stickers for a cuppa.

Then I collected my washing and went back to the summerhouse and slept because I felt tired and ill.
I went to film club last night, with my bucket.

My friend said to me 'why have you got a bucket?'

I replied 'All the fashionable people carry a bucket with them these days'

she said 'what is the real reason?'

I told her.

I also demonstrated what a good rain hat it made.

She asked me to consider staying and not moving on.

The film was ok, nothing special, but the company and the tea and chocolates were good.
And I had a small glass of wine to celebrate my new name and also because I have a sore throat and wine is supposed to be good for that.

I headed back to the bus and thought I was lucky to be on the bus earlier than I had though, though it is late evening, got back thinking I would fall into my blankets and sleep, but I ended up wide awake until midnight then I tucked down comfily and slept.

I dreamed that my dad was there and some of the siblings were vaguely in the background, my mum was there too, wearing one of her green sari's, I was cross with my dad, I said to him 'you have been gone for three months and the family has fallen apart, you were the mainstay of the family'
Dad looked stunned. I said something about mum being insane, but mum just stood there in her smiling dream world not taking anything in, very lifelike, but I woke up and was sad that I had been angry with dad even in a dream.

It was 6.30 so I toileted in my pot and snuggled vaguely in my blankets not dozing and not sure what to do with myself.
Then I got up, threw the kettle on and started sorting out my washing for the laundrette, I ended up sorting the whole summerhouse out :)

Then it was time to make a move, I walked up to the post office and got some money out, then I got the bus into town, had breakfast at the market and went to the shed for the rest of my washing.

The laundarette was a pretty painless experience, I put my washing on and went and sat in a cafe with a cuppa, there was a lady with a screaming baby there which didn't help.
The washing was soon ready for tumbling so I tumbled and then wandered back to the shed and left the washing there. So now I have all clean clothes apart from my jeans as I only have one pair, and I have no other trousers or skirts, so I cannot wash my jeans.

skirt! :)
 I could get a skirt :) hm.
A denim one

I hate weekends, town is too crowded, the library is barely open and nothing runs as normal.

I had the terrors really bad this morning and all of a sudden they faded into sane and rational thought.  Thats a new one.

In case you wonder what I mean by the terrors it means flashbacks to the way the church treated me and severe distress about that.

Friday, 2 March 2012

Just saw V. he was going on about being called out to an accident at 5am.

Saw Raffish, he is watching a soppy video.

I am very tired, slept well last night apart from nightmares so I don't know why I am tired.

This song reminds me of my years working on the land.

The song of my life and death, one day, in the end I will go home to my railway line and the church may leave me alone, if I am lucky and they don't realise I am home.
hello person reading my blog, I wonder who you are?
I hope you are blessed.

I am not sure what that brief spell of gardening has done to me but I am feeling a bit odd.

well thats cos I am a bit odd :-D
my laundy didn't get done today, it will be done tomorrow.

I chose the wrong day to forget my inhaler, all that work and no inhaler, not good.
chest pain.

Today is cloudy and misty, nice.
why have my statistics gone mad? hello.
well I really had the terrors about the way the church treated me but today is friday, my sociable day si I had to plod on and hope for some comfort from the socialising.
I went up to the church and had a cuppa, then it was time for homeless lunch, I had no breakfast but I wasn't really hungry, the soup was a bit sweet but the bread was good, the cake and tea and fruit was good, the conversation was good.
On the way in there was a couple from homeless lunch fighting in the road, the man was dragging the woman through the traffic by her hair but she didn't seem in the least bit bothered, she yelled at him 'I suppose you are going to smash some windows now?!'


Anyway, after homeless lunch I wandered into town feeling sick and sleepy and deeply distressed. I decided to have a nap in the church garden, a friend came along and said hello as she passed, then I got my new bucket that I bought for having a wash out of and I used it to put rubbish in as I did some weeding in the garden.

Then I walked down to the gallery to see my friend.

I walked in with my bucket and she said 'hello Jayne and bucket' and made me a tea.

then she said 'why have you got a bucket?'

I was speechless for a minute, how do you explain you have bought a bucket to wash out of and have just used it to weed a garden?

I managed to explain and she mentioned the garden at the front of the gallery needed some work.

So out I ambled and cleared the garden using a bow saw, a pair of scissors, a coal shovel and a broom, she was delighted and said it looked better than when the council did it.
It did me good to do it, she is so busy that I was delighted to be able to help because she has been looking at the garden in despair and had no time to do it.
She made me another tea and I got one of the high quality cakes.

Then off I wandered with my bucket, people fall about laughing when I wear it on my head, I don't know why :)

Film club tonight.
I still have the nightmares and terrors so bad if I spend a night indoors.

I wish something would change.

Thursday, 1 March 2012

As I was leaving the library earlier I bumped into a couple I hadn't seen for ages, they used to go to soup kitchen back when I arrived here and they asked how I was getting on and I told them, they asked if I still went to soup kitchen and I told them I avoided it if I could because it was too much hassle, they said that was why they stopped going as well.

I went up to the bed and breakfast and got my usual room, watched a few episodes of mulberry and did the much needed shower and hair wash and hygeine, went looking for my supper and wandered into an area I didn't know, there is a leisure park and a retail park, handy, long opening hours, big stores, veyr useful to a homeless person.
I watched one of the long distance trains heading out of town and wished I was on it.
Hoovered some nice supper and wandered back here.
I mean to do loads of writing but it never happens. I have lost my confidence and so the memories of what I have and haven't written torment me.
The post office closed early today so I walked up to the one in the rough council estate, I haven't been there before but it isn't far to walk, and I found that there is a laundarette there too! :) It is within walking distance even carrying a black bag of clothes, hooray, I can do my own washing tomorrow.
The council estate is identical to the one in hometown where I used to venture with my washing, I almost thought I was there.
shopping, getting forms for name changes, stressing my way through town. Too hot, too crowded.

It's my newpersonday, I don't think I am allowed to change my birthday but I can have a newpersonday. send me presents? :)
good morning bloggypeople. I woke in a depressed haze this morning, I was going to walk to town but I realised I could walk to the post office up the road and get some money and get the bus. It was a misty morning, the summerhouse lady was getting her bike out so I stopped to say hello.

I still struggle to understand what she said last night, among other things she said I was an attractive girl, hm, I still struggle to understand how I can be attractive, I was the ugliest duckling you could ever have met and my image of myself is that I am ugly.

The summerhouse is not my home, it is just somewhere where I sleep sometimes, and now spring is coming I don't need much shelter.

I got into town and went to HM Revenue and customs, they recorded my new name and said I was due a small rebate. I must change my name more often.

Then I went to the benefits office, the lady there helped to sort out changing my name for the benefits, and she also advised me on how to change my Post office account to my new name, then I went to the dentist and showed them my new name, thankfully I have few enough people to inform of my new name. The new passport is the most complicated one.

It is warm and misty and sunny.