This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Saturday, 31 December 2016

New Year's Revolutions

Hey peeps,

I remember how I was still alive and mischeevous when I used to do new year's revolutions such as converting the Church of England to Christianity, but now my back is broken, I am finished and dying branded and shamed, my only revolution is to finish writing my books before the church and their police finish killing me.

The Year 2016

It has been an incredibly hard year, not that there have been any easy years. I am only doing a brief recap of the year this year as I am moving house and am very tired and ill.
I feel I should still do an account of the year even if my heart isn't in it. And in a way I am worried that I am repeating what is already in the books 'Coming Home' and 'Homecoming'.


In January this year I was somehow surviving on almost no money at all due to unfairly losing my tax credits and my work was very low as well, the winter is a hard time for gardeners and for me it was my first year back in work and I had been living hand to mouth and unable to prepare for winter. So I was in absolute poverty in January.

I was doing my best with my second term at university but it was a sad hard time. Christmas Day 2015 was the last time I saw my friend alive and she died in January of this year.

I continued to fight to rebuild my life despite the sadness and poverty, as I had no idea that the Church of England would destroy me and make it all worthless a few months later.

There was that disastrous day in January when I woke up to a leak in the roof and water dripping onto my laptop, and then Florence broke down in the pouring rain and floods in the middle of nowhere as I delivered the papers round the villages. Thankfully I managed to bump start her and get her home, but she needed a new starter motor.

I was coming to the end of my work delivering papers on the rural routes now anyway as it had been too much stress for me and Florence, and we swapped for a smaller, local round.

The wet weather and local flooding continued.

I joined a running course and was running well but it was badly arranged and hard to keep up with. When my friend died, I remember running and crying, and I renamed the blog 'The Journey Home' for some reason. Partly because Jane Fisher seemed to have vanished and I felt almost as if I had a right to live again despite losing my best friend.
I didn't get on with all my friend's family and I chose not to attend the funeral, I couldn't cope with them and I was too weak myself.

I was doing my best, despite my terror, to endure hospital appointments about my jaw as I now had a good dentist and he had been concerned about my jaw, the hospital backed up this concern and wanted to splint my jaw and do biopsies and things, but I was so tired, so ill and so I bottled out of hospital treatment. Quite apart from anything, I couldn't afford to get to the hospital and pay for parking or bus fares, I had no money and no-one was helping me.

I was attending gym regularly and getting on with a lot of exercise, and I was working a very quiet delivery driving shift and getting a lot of study done while I sat and waited for deliveries.


In February I started some more work to tide me over, leaflet distribution. Hard and unrewarding work but at least it kept me fit and started to bring money in.

I was treated dreadfully bu the first company I did leaflets for but I was spotted by someone who got me to take on a leaflet job for them as well, they paid me properly and I applied to get my tax credits back, and eventually I ended up doing delivery driving for them when I was treated too badly by the other place. These jobs aren't nice or permanent but what mattered was that I was earning a living.

The weather turned from wet to icy and I continued to try to lower my blood pressure after the crisis with Bob Hill's collapse had sent me into blood pressure crisis.

I decided to go ahead with my sponsored 70 mile walk even though I felt awful, depressed and ill, and I knew it would be hard doing the walk without my friend or any support.

I was walking to raise money for a charity that my youth group used to support when I was younger, because that charity came up in my university studies as a case study. I planned the walk for Easter.

I went out with my social group, a rare thing now because the damage by the church had been such that I just didn't want to go out any more. I was sad that the social group were reluctant to support my walk.

It was a leap year but I didn't propose to anyone, so my poor old neighbour downstairs remained unmarried until he died, despite the fact that he called me beautiful every time he saw me.


March appears to be quite nondescript. On March 8th I fell and my house keys went flying and I did a little

I had a dream in March, it seems to have almost been a prophecy, about the police. As you know, the police turned up in September this year and I hit the roof.

This is from the dream I had in March

And the police turned up.
The police actually took things seriously and wanted to question me on what I had seen, imagine if that happened in real life!
Anyway. In the dream I was furious with the police because they have treated me so badly in real life.
So I raged at them for what they have done to me, and they stood there looking surprised.
Poor dream-officers, it wasn't all their fault!

Anyway, I woke up thinking 'What on earth!' Because that was way too vivid and cohesive.

March was nondescript, and I was short of money, and at one point I accidentally let Florence's battery go flat.

The Channel Islands were having ferry problems so I wrote them yet another poem.

The plight of the condor:

 Engine failure

mechanical issues
weather issues
new boat detained

Goodwill under water
Clipper in for repair
Liberation captured
and Islanders in Despair

I started the sponsored walk on Good Friday, trying to get ahead of the forthcoming bad weather. I didn't feel like walking or celebrating Easter, but the first day or two of the walk was good weather so I survived, I took time off from all my work except delivery driving as I was the only driver. But later in the week the weather turned very bad with wind and rain and it was hard to complete the last Great Walk.

The sponsored walk put me in the mood for a spring clean and clearout of the rubbish I owned, and that is how March ended.


My friend was taking me to Opera and ballet, and I liked ballet but not opera at first.

Justin Welby decided that he would announce to the world that he spat on Jesus, by using the press and media for a stunt about his various fathers. Amazinly the world let him do this and limelight seeking leaders in other churches 'supported' him.

I made a complaint to the papers and ofcom and ipso that as Welby's corporation were under investigation for systemic child rape, they should not be advertising themselves but should have the decency to be quiet while under investigation, even for the sake of their victims.

The fact that I was delivering newspapers and had to deliver Welby's narcissistic stunt to so many houses left me off work ill. And of course Welby doesn't care if one of his victims starve, as long as people are mistakenly worshipping him.

I started to try to arrange a support worker for myself but it was impossible in my poverty and the unstable situation that the church were keeping me in.

Towards the end of April I was starting to revise for a music exam and end of term assessments for university, and my landlady got me to clean a filthy flat with a dying resident in it, cleaning that flat made me ill and I was under stress over revision as well, so it wasn't an easy time.

Hillsbourough Campaigners started to win a much-deserved victory in April, and Junior Doctors started striking.

I wrote a blog post about Bob Hill, and I felt better for it, because I felt to blame for his collapse even though he had hurt me a lot in his efforts to 'solve' my case.

My landlady went through a weird phase of offering me a downstairs flat and withdrawing the offer repeatedly, leaving me confused and upset, she appeared to be having major problems in her own life and was acting bizarrely.


This was the month of my exams and also the month that the church destroyed me. It is hard to write about.

I am not sure I want to go through it all again. I have been destroyed and waiting to die ever since.

The music exam was at the beginning of the month, and there was already a problem with the landlady hanging around the house and being weird and I was under stress. Then the day before the exam I witnessed an accident outside the house, a collision between a van and a motorbike, which left me shocked.

I still got the exam and passed it.
But then I was ill with stress, tired and in pain from the injuries seizing up with stress.

Immediately the Church of England launched upon me as I tried to pull myself together and do my end of term assessments.

It might be easier for my health if rather than go into details of the evil committed against me by the Bishop of Winchester and Archbishop of Canterbury, aided by the National Safeguarding Team, I post this, which sums up why there was a million pound cover-up that condemned me and my life and upheld criminal wrongdoers

And so I was destroyed to cover up for evil. And there is no safeguarding in the Church of England.

The church had spent a million pounds covering up for their evil and doing so at the expense of my life and health, and they wanted to bring it to a close, at my expense, in the press and media, discrediting me and upholding the wrongoders.

The damage is done and it would have been better if I had died in May. They continue to refuse to redact their discrediting and bring an independent investigation into my case, well if they did allow an investigation a number of people would have to resign or be arrested.


I managed to scrape through my university exams despite there being no point in life any more.

And it was all only getting worse.

I was being plagued by an idiot called Jane Dodds who wanted the Church cover-up neatly swept away and me co-erced into saying that being utterly destroyed was fine. She was caseworker for the national safeguarding team of the church on a voluntary basis before she suddenly vanished after adding to the harm to me.

But it was all worse, the situation where I lived had already been precarious before the church destroyed me, and I felt that I had no choice but to give notice, and I did. 

My work was falling apart as well, and Florence, the car, was due her MOT and I was sure I couldn't get her through the MOT.

I was going to lose Florence and my home and the rest of my life was already destroyed by the church, it felt as if all my work in rebuilding my life had been for nothing.

Bob Hill came out of hospital after many months but he couldn't speak, he wasn't quite the same Bob.

And then my tax credits were restored, so Florence went back to her old owners to be overhauled and sold on, I took Max, her younger brother, off their hands for a bit more than I paid for Florence.

I wrote this:

Jersey's failed and disgraced safeguarding partnership started harassing me in earnest over their whitewash report into my case and trying to force me to agree to it's publication, just as I prepared to move house and just after the move.

The house move and buying Max left me short of money and I nearly became dangerously ill with low blood sugar when food ran out.

I moved to the new house at the end of June. I was utterly exhausted, destroyed by the church and not sure what to do, I knew that the new place wasn't going to be a permentant home, it was right by a pub and with no parking and was mainly benefits tenants and a lot more run down than the old place. But what could I do? Everything I had built up was smashed down.


I started looking for more work despite the state I was in, I couldn't afford to sit around, but I was too unsure of most of the work that was on offer, but a gardening team who I had been in contact with in the past offered me sub-contract work and I took them up on it and have been working with them part time ever since as well as doing my own gardening rounds.

Max started having catalyst problems, and as I write this, we intend to change his catalyst in the new year. But it was worrying to start with as I didn't know what was wrong.

I started writing and preparing Manuscripts, and in July I started writing 'Coming Home' which kept me sane and occupied after my whole world had collapsed and been swept away, and I managed to keep going as a result, even with increasingly vile attacks by Jersey safeguarding partnership, culminating in their famous troll attack instigated by Ian Gorst.


On the same day as Battle of Flowers in Jersey, I marshaled for the local carnival. I hadn't marshaled since I used to marshal for Battle when I was in Jersey. If I wasn't in such a broken state then I would have said that this was a positive sign but after the horrific unhealable wounds inflicted by the church and Jersey Safeguarding Partnership, I wasn't recovering, I just happened to marshal, and it wasn't brilliant really, I just got posted outside a local church who I had been helping and they treated me like royalty, apart from that I didn't enjoy marshaling and wasn't fit to be there. I pretended it was great and wonderful but I felt like death.

On August 22nd I published my first three books, 'Goodnight Anna', 'Coming Home' and 'The Silent World'. And the books haven't stopped. I think including some in private circulation, there are about 18, and some of those are duplicated into other forms as well, such as e-books.

I re-started my music lessons which had been ruined by the church and poverty and I was revising for a grade 5 exam.

I had no idea what was about to happen.


Before the world shattered, I was preparing a new book, and I was starting to do short story competitions as well as preparing for university and revising for my grade 5 exam.

On September 3rd, in a grotesque parody of my old life, I stewarded at a local horticultural show, but to me it was just going through the motions, what I had before is gone forever, my community, my friends, my shows, the church destroyed it all, and I felt more sad and useless than anything else, but the people wanted me to start showing again for next year and they were trying to arrange me some land, which would have gone ahead if the police attack hadn't happened.

You may remember I posted this:

“I sit alone in a dead world. The wind blows hot and dry, and the dust gathers like particles of memory waiting to be swept away. I pray for forgetfulness, yet my memory remains strong, as does the outstretched arm of the oppressive air. It seems as if the wind has been there since the beginning of the nightmare. Sometimes loud and harsh, a thousand sharp needles scratching at my reddened skin. Sometimes a whisper, a curious sigh in the black of night, of words more frightening than pain. I know now the wind has been speaking to me. Only I couldn't understand because I was too scared. I am scared now as I write these words. Still, there is nothing else to do.”

Christopher Pike - Whisper of Death

September 5th 2016, it was raining in the morning, just enough to delay my work, so I was out and about, doing other things.

It was when I came back that my world stopped. I don't know if the shock and revulsion and terror will ever fade.

All was well, well as well as it could be after the horrific damage by the church and safeguarding partnership, and I was walking up to the flats, my landlord was working on the shop below the flats and he said hello and smiled, and I said hello and smiled, all normal, and then the world stopped and never re-started.

My landlord said to me 'You see that car there? That car belongs to two police, a woman and a man and they have come to see you'.

I am crying as I write this. I am severely traumatized. It was the end of my home, my safety and the last remnants of the life I had rebuilt, my safety and welfare depended on being a fugitive, and the bastards had found me.

My landlord told me that this man and woman had come all the way to find me, quite a journey, and they were 'concerned for my welfare'. They had come all the way from Jane Fisher's local police station, Jane Fisher, who repeatedly had me beaten and imprisoned to silence me for the church.

Those of you who don't know what 'concern for my welfare'  means, it means the police consider you to be insane and meriting a beating and imprisonment for your abusers.

The most horrifying things about this were that the bastards had actually been discussing me with my landlord, but worse, they had been able to trace me after all my efforts to be in hiding. I was done for, my new identity was my safety, the thing I relied on to not be branded and driven out, and the bastards would probably have ripped through my whole life, friends, community and private records and privacy and contacts, in order to destroy me again as they were doing now.

The one and only advantage I had was that the bastards had left their car and gone off somewhere.

I was hungry and I couldn't flee without my ID and food and things I needed, so I had no choice but to go into my flat.

Unfortunately the bastards came back as I did so, I had told the landlord that when they came back, to tell them to leave and never come back or I would make a harassment complaint. 
But unfortunately he had given them my phone number. And I was trapped in my home because they wouldn't leave.

Instead of leaving, the bastards tried to phone me.

I told them to leave or I would make a harassment complaint.

They weren't taking no for an answer and tried to text me.

I emailed professional standards and told them to get their bastards off my doorstep.

The bastards tried to leave but their car broke down and my landlord had to help them bump start it as they didn't know how!  He never stopped laughing but I wasn't laughing, because when they showed no sign of leaving, I climbed out the skylight and onto the roof, and I am scared of heights, I was terrified, traumatised and sobbing as my world shattered again.
I haven't recovered even now, as you may have noticed, I am very ill, and the police and professional standards have done nothing to rectify anything, nor explain this illegal violation of my home.

Well actually although the bastards left, they have been really nasty about my complaint, as have professional standards, and have jeered by sending letters in my old name for me to sign for when I am not allowed to and to see letters turning up in the flats under my old name and breaching the law and my identity change added to the horrific trauma, and as yet nothing has been done, and professional standards, knowing my new name as the police who turned up here did, also sent letters to me under every name but my own.

I haven't recovered. And there has been no resolution. I never felt safe in my home and the shock, the trauma, the revulsion, of being violated and having my new identity and new clean record ripped from me has left me deteriorating and depressed and afraid. Every time I heard a car engine I rushed to the window.

You will see from September's blog posts and lack of blog posts, that things were very bad.

My relationship with the landlord and fellow tenants was never the same again, and to be honest the whole street, gossips that they were, and the pub, knew all about it, but the police and professional standards have not apologized.

Instead of going on the run and sleeping rough permanently, I decided to hang onto my home and stand my ground. But I didn't re-settle in the flat, it stank of shame and revulsion, and the problem of the noise from the upstairs neighbour became worse and I stopped sleeping properly.


I continued to publish books. The Wanderer Series was halfway now.
University started and I just had to do my best despite everything.

I continued work as well.

On the Anniversary of being left homeless, I went to Southampton Airport as usual.

While working with the team we survived being pulled over at a police checkpoint.

Then I got some sad news that an old Christian friend had died. 

I went to a day school and I tried to prepare for my grade 5 exam but I was struggling so much.


November started catastrophically with professional standards jeering at me over my police complaint on the eve of my grade 5 exam, I broke a tooth the same evening, and also the same evening I coughed blood as my esophogus started bleeding again. 

I went and took the exam and then my adoptive mum who was supposed to meet me afterwards didn't turn up and Max redeveloped his catalyst fault as I headed for Winchester to celebrate North Walls.

I could hardly enjoy North Walls as I was too ill, and someone parked illegally, blocking Max in and I had to risk him getting a puncture as I had to bump him over kerbs.

When I got home I was violently ill, vomiting without stopping until there was only blood and bile coming up. It was supposed to be such a special weekend and there had been no good in the year at all and the weekend had been as bad as it could be, and yes, I failed the exam. I am mortified. My exams mean so much to me and I have to pay so much for them. I won't say things can't get worse, because the next church or police attack will be my horrible and messy death.

Anyway, work and university continued, even if I wasn't doing well at university. I went back on omeprazole and my esophogus stopped bleeding.

I got befriended by an old lady but she was extremely demanding and I couldn't cope with her, she wanted me to move in and be her housekeeper and all sorts, but I will tell you in full another time about that, it was totally unsuitable even if I was looking for another home.

My old dentist who was the only good dentist I ever saw, had left the practice and the new one filed my broken tooth down and had a bridge made up, but she kept ramming this bridge onto my sore gum and she wasn't English and didn't seem to understand that she was hurting me, I never wore the bridge in the end.
It is so unfair that I had found a good dentist and then he left.


December started with a bang. The bangs and crashes were from the upstairs neighbour at 2.45am in the morning, and I gave my notice when the landlord wouldn't do anything about this.

So I spent December looking for a new home and packing up my stuff.

I was very depressed and unhappy, but work and university continued, and I was offered a temporary home.
I was relieved at the thought of leaving the home that the police had destroyed, I was terrified every day that I remained there.

I tried to keep my life normal and prepare both for Christmas and the house move. It was stressful and I messed up a music assignment but scraped a pass.

My books about homelessness were beginning to grow a following.

Christmas arrived, and it wasn't too awful in some ways.

I enjoyed all the Christmassy television  and the lights and decorations, I was worried about money, because having put a deposit on the new place etc, I hadn't enough even for food, let alone celebrations, but several people stepped in and all was well.

I had just been to midnight mass and as I walked home, the police had closed the road and there was a dead man there, he had been murdered. That cast a shadow over Christmas a bit.

On Christmas morning I went to church and then spent the day with some people who live nearby, it was a nice enough day.

On boxing day I went to support the boxing day swim and came home, there was a strange man hanging around and I asked the police if it was a crackpot or one of their DCs, because this man hung around for ages and rang my doorbell but I didn't recognize him, he may have been a parasitic reporter about the murder up the road.

Anyway. I moved house a few days later and I am here at the new house, just finishing telling you about this terrible devastating year, and it sounds like many people have had a bad year.

The USA have a new president and the UK are leaving the Eurpoean Union and everyone us stressed and uncertain, it hasn't been a good year for anyone. But for me it has been pure hell and there seems to be no way it can get better, the damage to me can't really be repaired.

Happy New Year.

Saturday - New Year's Eve

Good morning peeps,

You can tell I must be a bit better as I am up at 7.30.

Yesterday the fog was so thick, I went out and played in it for a while. People looked like shadows and cars looked like monsters with lights.
But I could hardly walk.

I don't have much money but I will have to pay to go to a clinic and have my pelvis put back in place and my back tidied up. The NHS aren't helping me and I can't go on struggling.

Anyway, last night when I came home. I had a long bath, soaking my achy back while reading a spare textbook. I have duplicate textbooks, old ones for in the car when I am waiting for things and new ones for study at home, so I read an old one in the bath.

The bath did help. I slept better.

It is just getting light and outdoors looks way too interesting. I am strangely tempted to just take Max and drive somewhere but I can't remember where.
I will miss looking up at the Great Hill as I work, but I won't miss rushing to the window every time I hear a car engine since the police came after me.

I am undecided between going down the port, which would make me want a ferry of course, or driving the long road out of town.

I am going to be impulsive and drive, I think, but I should probably get dressed first, what do you reckon, peeps? I bet Max is all fogged up anyway.

I do have a lot of writing to do. Today is the deadline for a lot of short story competitions, and I am trying to work on a coursework piece as well.
I need to get a summary of the year onto the blogs soon as well.

My mate texted yesterday to say we are working the garden clearance on Wednesday and Thursday, but he didn't mention the usual Monday gardening rounds, so I don't know what is happening there.

Friday, 30 December 2016


Hey peeps,

I got a Jersey 2017 Calender and nowhere to stick it! Haha!

January is Corbiere, and I was telling people that I used to climb on the rocks in the picture, and they said 'Ooh!' because of course there is high tide and wind in that picture and of course I would only climb out there on a low tide and safe conditions.

Anyway. Yesterday I spent most of the day cleaning the old flat, when the washing machine here had finished ruining my clothes.

I came home in the evening but the fog was so thick it was dangerous and I had to creep Max along very carefully.

I had another rough night. Woke up feeling ill. I need proper orthapedics and proper clinical treatment.

I felt better after a while and I went to drop the keys off for the old flat, then I did a bit of essential shopping.
Then I have been unpacking.

The fog has still been thick in some places today.

I have started another wildcard book on the back of the unnamed one that I published and didn't put into the usual open circulation. But I can tell you the name of this one. It is called 'The ChurchWarden'.
I don't want to write it, it has just turned out that way.

Remind me that I am a music student, won't you, these damn books are getting in the way of very hard music studies.

And can people please stop looking for Ashenden on my blog, I don't want to waste my life standing up to his childish dogma. Not My Job.

I reckon that tomorrow I will get my music books and sit and study all day. Maybe.

Thursday, 29 December 2016

This is interesting


Good morning peeps,

Excuse the gap in the blog. Moving and Migraine are to blame.

Well yesterday I didn't feel at all like house moving as I fell out of bed with a migraine.
But my workmate was due to come round, so I got washed and dressed, and he turned up, cheerful and very sober, telling me he had had a great Christmas, he had had a whole bottle of Baileys and several other whole bottles, and he had got us a big garden clearance job for next week!

He thinks we are doing our usual rounds on Bank Holiday Monday and then doing the garden clearance the rest of the week, we shall see.

Anyway, the bed and mattress were easy to load on the van and that was it. He was off and I got on with cleaning the house, even with a migraine.

In the afternoon I put the basics in the car and went to sign a tenancy agreement and collect keys.
That was straightforward and I unpacked the basics at the new place and returned to cleaning the old flat and watching Hollyoaks and other rubbish.

I was worried to see the police truck pull up behind Max out the front, I wonder what the bastards are plotting? They didn't stay though, I think they were getting Max's reg so they can fabricate some sort of crime. Despite harassing me, as far as I know the police only knew what make and colour Max was rather than his full details.

uh-oh, the stalkerstat normally only reads this blog but has gone onto the other blog, what are you doing stalky?

Anyway, so I came back to the new place last night, still with a migraine, but although all was well, I had extreme difficulty in settling to sleep, pain, anxiety and everything unfamiliar.
So I had a bad night and woke late.

There is a washing machine here and no-one else around, so I am doing a much needed wash of my shabby holey clothes. Damn, I need money for clothes and I have no money.

It is a sunny day but I still have a migraine and I need to go back and get on with the old flat, get it finished.

Tuesday, 27 December 2016


Good morning,

The man on the radio said he had trouble remembering what day it is today.
It gets confusing at Christmas but despite the church making me out to be mad, I am perfectly orientated, it is Tusday 27th Dcember 2016, Bank Holiday.

Yesterday I went and supported the Boxing Day Swim, then I continued with my book work.
A strange man was hanging around and lurking. He rang the buzzer for my flat, I don't know if he rang any other buzzers but he hung around for hours. I was freaked out.

I got a photo of him and emailed it to the police and asked them if he was a crackpot or one of their wretched DCs or both. The police were not amused. However, there has been a murder nearby so he may have been a parasitic reporter.

Anyway, I worked way too hard and got the final book in the Wanderer Series published in tasteful pink. It is not my favourite book, the first Wanderer Book, where I was pretty much free of the Church and rebuilding a strange new life on the streets, is my favourite. The fifth and sixth Wanderer books descend into the sadness and madness of the church coming after me and destroying me again.

Here is the sixth book, it will be on Amazon in a few weeks, those of you who buy through Amazon.

Anyway, I published that last night after a few spats on twitter.
Firstly people thought I was supporting Nigel Farage because I said the Archbishop should shut up and resign. I assured them that neither man was in a position to preach, and all was well.

Then some trolls decided that I was all kinds of bad because I commented on their radical and firm doctrine that autism is linked to vaccines, I was all kinds of names and terrible things.
Reality is, if someone claims that vaccines cause autism, and they put that in the public domain, I feel that it is interesting to point out that I am diagnosed as high functioning autism but was never vaccinated and neither were my parents, my Dad was also autistic.

Apparently the people swearing and abusing me on twitter last night identify themselves as Christians. I hear that Jersey needs a new Dean, maybe I should send them an application form!
Haha, you've gotta love twitter. You meet all sorts on there.

Anyway, I had a bad night with nightmares and pain. I got up at 3.30am and got on with a book project which I want to complete today, which is asking a lot of myself but I need to move it out the way because I have work stacking up that needs finishing and this one is relatively unimportant.

I wrote for a few hours and then I drove down to the Great Ship Bay, it was cold with a starry sky, there was a dirty orange fingernail moon above the sodium lights of the ships on the bay, the tide was in and low waves roared along the shore.

I am home now and the dawn is beginning to light the sky, with pre-sunrise glow over the sea.

I need a hot shower now. And then I will resume my writing.

Tomorrow if my team mate has remembered, he will come and collect the bed and maybe other things and take them to the lockup and that is when the house move really begins.

Tomorrow I stop my book writing work and switch to university revision until the end of the holidays.

Monday, 26 December 2016

Monday - Boxing Day

Good morning peeps,

I wish I could feel better. My back hurt so much in the night that it was in my dreams.

It is a sunny day with light cloud.

Last night I walked around town in the wind and light rain, checking that all my neighbour-peeps were alright and not being murdered, I was a sheepdog in my last life and I have make sure everyone is alright, I feel very upset and confused about someone being killed like that. I sad prayers where the man died, and I wondered how his family are going to cope with Christmas being the anniversary of his death forever. How awful.

It was too cloudy for the light house beams to sweep over the cliffs where Max is, so I came home.

I woke up to the news that George Michael has died.
He was a talented artist and people will be sad.

The song that came to mind was the one he wrote about his mother's death. I remember this song, must have been between 1995 and 1997, because I used to listen to it on the walkman as I delivered newspapers.  It isn't a very nice video but the song is pretty cool.

Just catching up the news of the death on the street, very sad.

Technically I should get dressed and go and support the local Boxing Day events, but I will consider that for a few hours while I see what is on TV and get some transcribed work done.

If anyone wants biscuits or chocolate, give me a shout, I am not going to eat them.

Sunday, 25 December 2016

Sunday - Christmas Day

Good evening peeps,

I got home about 45 minutes ago. Watched the end of the Princess Diaries and am watching Home Alone.

I didn't open all the presents yet, shall I open one live on blog?

Damn. Liquer Chocolates. What the hell do I do with those? Don't answer that.

Try again. Damn. Viennese Biscuits.

I can't take these things down to the shelter because they will be swamped.
Maybe I can dump them on Miriam's doorstep. Snik Snik.

People are bonkers, my health is deteriorating and I should not be eating these things even if I liked them, I have been given loads and loads of biscuits and chocolates and stuff.

Start from the beginning,

Yesterday I got Max round the front and gave him a much needed wash before it got dark, then I was working on books and watching television.
As the evening went on I watched The Lady in the Van, and then the Vicar of Dibley and I had to leave the end of that as it was time to walk round for Midnight Mass.

Mass was good but I was too hot.

After Mass I headed home and was puzzled, something was wrong. The bus was going the wrong way, there were blue lights and tapes over the road.

Someone was lying on the road, but it was too late, he was dead, killed in a fight. Just up the road from home.
We are not really a rough town and I was shocked.

I staggered exhaustedly over to the sea, the waves roared in the dark and the lighthouse beams swept over the darkness. My memories were horribly of both the dead man in the road in 2014 and that dreadful Christmas at John Averty's house in Jersey, the one that destroyed Christmas for me forever.

I staggered home, too tired to be awake at just after 1am in the morning. Being up at that time is not natural to me, I am glad that Christmas is only once a year.

I came home and slept. I only had two alarms set, for 7am and 7.30, but there was no way I was getting up, I was tired and in pain so I slept for a few more hours.

I got up eventually and dragged myself into the waking world and through some painkillers. Somehow I managed to take meds without food, totally forgot to eat, had a shower and got ready to go to the foster church.

I put some Christmas cake in my bag, meaning to eat it on the way to church, but I forgot.

We had a nice service at Church, and then I went to my neighbours up the hill for the day.
I know it was a bit up in the air as to where I was to spend Christmas, due to my health and volunteering, but in the end I went to the peeps on the hill.

We had a nice day, talking, eating, especially a nice turkey dinner, as the fog drifted over the hill, breaking and settling. It was strange to have the fog after the gale was roaring over the hill last night.
Anyway. I am home, and the disgusting Archbishop has been showing off for PR and upsetting his victims, especially me. Spoiling Christmas for me.

Saturday, 24 December 2016

Christmas Eve evening

Good evening peeps,

Well it has been a tiring day, my back and shoulder are so bad I am on strong meds and I have a pad on my shoulder but I need treatment.

I went down to the festivities, it is mainly for the kids but it is fun, the band could have done with toning down the percussion and raising their pitch slightly but they were OK and I got to see some classic cars.

Then I went to finish the shopping.

It feels way too strange, Christmas, all the usual hamster wheel and boundaries are gone.

I have been working on an old manuscript today, one that I put aside, it is called 'The empty Church'. Some of you may have heard of it under another name but yes, I am revising it for publication next year.

Anyway, I have watched Miracle on 34th Street and The Snowman, and am watching Nativity! as I work.
As I was working, I heard the discordant sounds of the local organette being wheeled around to raise money for a local charity, so I went out for a chat and to give them a shilling, I do like the local eccentric music crew. The Santas on bikes were awesome.

I felt so worried in case I had forgotten anything that I walked round town and in and out of the shops, I couldn't find anything I had forgotten but I got more fruit squash. I get so anxious at this sudden change to life even if things are different and shops will be open, and to be honest Christmas just gives me an opportunity to write and study without being interrupted by work, although I am moving house, but most of the move is done now, it is just the on the day things, which is why my Christmas stuff is scattered everywhere, because I have no surfaces left to put things on!

Would you like a laugh. This is my kitchen right now. Chaos, the opposite of my usually immaculate house.

Saturday - Christmas Eve

Good morning peeps,

I should be out taking part in the streets celebrations but I am a bit tired and ill and in pain. So I will see how I feel when the painkillers kick in.
However, I have the Choice of Wallace and Gromit and Miracle on 34th Street starting at 11am. So I may wait until this afternoon to go to the festivities.

The flat looks strange, half-empty but decorated for Christmas, my keyboard stand has red tinsel on it. I should switch that keyboard on and start practicing this new piece with the dancing chords.

It is a mild day with thin cloud, the sea is calmer but still lively.
I must remember what I need from the shops. sticky stuff remover, because I used to stick my music notes to the cupboards with sticky pads, not bluetack. What do I need while the shops close? Not a lot, the shop over the road is open from 10-3 tomorrow! And I did a big shop yesterday as well.

I am from the 80s though, so I still remember the shops closing for 10 days and my dad frantically making sure nothing would run out.

I need fruit squash, because the only thing I drink at night is fruit squash, I always put a glass of it out of reach of me lashing out in my sleep, at the moment I lash out and send little owl and the tinsel flying!

Anyway. remember not to egg the telvision when the archfart of canterbury is on, just laugh at him and his simpering lies that someone wrote for him.

Good news, I managed to fix the shower. And guess what? You can now get Glyndebourne's 'Barber of Seville' on BBC iPlayer. We went to see it live, and it is excellent, I recommend it.

I dreamed last night that the church send their police around again, it was a strange white police car. Unfortunately they can and will use the police to terrorize me, hence me moving house next week.

Friday, 23 December 2016

Friday evening

Wow peeps, what a day!

After I did a post this morning, I went to get Max and take a load of stuff to the lockup.
But Max got into strange difficulties on the hillside and I was petrified, the last thing I needed while moving house at Christmas was a broken car.

I had to stop Max and try to work out what was wrong or what to do. The Car's Best friend was just off on holiday, he is due to change Max's catalyst in the new year but that didn't seem to be the main problem. I limped Max home and checked his oil and water, I topped up the water last week and it was still a good level, so at least it is unlikely to be the head gasket, but I was terrified. I topped up his oil as well.

I simply could not find any faults, so I set out carefully, having lost some time, so I only got one load to the lockup, but Max seemed just fine, it was strange and worrying.

I had more bad news when I got home and I never even tried to get back to the lockup but there isn't that much to move.

Things started to change a bit after that awful half of the day. I found presents and cards with my name on on my doorstep. And for some reason I just started crying, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

I still have no idea who the presents and cards are from, I put them under the tree for now, My cards this year are all over the lobby door and the kitchen cupboard doors because I don't want to damage the paintwork and every time I do a line to hang cards on they fall down, so I just blue tacked them to anything that won't be damaged by blue tack and there is no space left now.

Anyway, the next good news was my mates on the gardening team cheerfully saying that they will help me complete my move, whether or not Max breaks down.
The good thing about being gardener girl is that I know mans with vans, and they don't mind helping a damson in distress. They will stay unsozzled for one day next week in order to help me.

Max breaking down will still be an issue if he does though, because his permit here ends next week and he is permitted at the new house instead. But at least the horrible worry about being able to complete the move has lessened.

Then several other people stepped in with emotional and financial support, and Christmas got a bit brighter.
There is food in the house.

Thank you everyone, I am not supposed to name people on here except passing references that you won't be recognized from. But thank you to D, T, J, J and K, thanks for making this easier for me.

This evening me and Max were lashed by the tail end of Barbara as we went to get petrol and food. But she is calming down and tomorrow there will be the Christmas fairs and street entertainment to enjoy, and in the evening I intend to watch 'The Woman in the Van' and then the Vicar of Dibley before I go to Midnight Mass/

The sea has been roaring and raging, beautiful.


Good Friday peeps,

I am watching the end of 'Nativity!' and brewing tea in my new teapot.
Someone ordered me a teapot and some gloves from Amazon for Christmas and they arrived yesterday. The teapot is teal blue and it makes nice tea with twinings extra strong :) Miriam gave me Twinings tea and it is tasty.

I have all three Nativitiy DVDs but this is on CBBC today. I was watching DVDs yesterday, Father Christmas, and The Bear.  I think the first 'Nativity' was the only credible one, the rest get silly and push the boundaries.

I got more of the flat cleared last night and loaded Max with stuff. I have to finish clearing stuff today because the yard is then locked until the 28th.

I ache.

I was dreaming a lot last night, all I can remember is a kind of mix of Hollyoaks and Humans, Jade and Sonya as synths, trying to escape.

I am working on the year's round up , and it has been a terrible year so I would rather get that over with.

I am getting the Church statting this blog to see if I am recording the Church Times attack, well yes, of course I am, you pathetic creeps. See you in court. In the end the Church are an outdated power-heavy bunch of criminals and their excuses for existing, God and their old lady congregations, are fading away as people realise that no organization that rapes children and uses the rapes for PR has any place in our society.

I feel so ill really, I don't know how I am managing a house move and a rotten Christmas with no money. If you are reading this and you still owe me a tenner, please paypal it to me now :)
At least I have paid the rents here and at the new house, and thanks to someone's kindness yesterday I have chicken and rice for a meal today.

I was going to try to do some work today even though there isn't much to do and it keeps raining, maybe I can do some work tomorrow. I have £5.40 to survive on for Christmas and Max will need fuel if I take a few loads of stuff to the lockup.

Thursday, 22 December 2016


Good morning peeps,

I feel like I should be tying up loose ends and getting things done before deadlines, but I can't remember what.
Tomorrow is most of the deadline I think. Just a question of moving and arranging things for Christmas.

I haven't done much this morning,  I stayed up late to watch Titanic and I am tired, I shouldn't stay up late even in the holidays because it can trigger a relapse.
I am not too depressed but I have spiked my coffee with 5HTP, I tip the powder out into the coffee powder and it is a lot less problematic than swallowing capsules.

Mel and Joey is on, the pregnancy test episode. The best one!

Yesterday I got my washing done and got my haircut, going through the motions of everyday necessary stuff. The hairdresser straightened my hair, it looked great but it only stays straight for a few days! If I was any other woman I would buy hair straighteners, but right now trying to put food on the table and get clean clothes is hard enough, that haircut was the first in 6 months and my hair really was awful. Like so thick and matted it was becoming a health hazard, it grows like that.

Yesterday evening I got on with sorting the flat out, And as I said, Titanic was on and I should not have stayed up and watched it.

I am very grateful for all the downloading of my books and the positive feedback, anyone who wants to add to the ratings and reviews, I would be grateful. The only problem is, a lot of the downloads or sales  are from Amazon and it can take months for them to show on my sales charts and revenue! So far Amazon are taking their time and I know quite a few books have been sold but I can't do anything because I don't know the stats. Frustrating.

It is a cold clear and sunny day, how nice.

I feel very confused about being on holiday already. I may go and do a few hours tomorrow as I don't even have money for things I need, let alone the rents for this flat and the new place, which cross over because one is monthly and the other weekly. I have nothing for Christmas apart from some gifts, no food. And because I work and the food banks are going to be swamped and I have no idea how to get a ticket and don't think I qualify and can't cope with the bloody evangelicals anyway, I won't try to get foodbank.

Anyone who thinks I am a successful author, the royalties are still pitiful, paid once a month if I sell enough and I can't afford to market the books so growth is slow, and as I said, a lot of the sales are on Amazon and they are simply not being transferred to my account at the moment. So yeah, I have nothing. I put a deposit on the new place and I have to pay for my lockup where my things are being stored so that I can move gradually without collapsing. I am completely alone and trying to balance everything is hard.
Was I moaning? :)

Oh the sea has been wonderful in the wind but Max gets a mucky windscreen from sitting watching it.

Wednesday, 21 December 2016

The Christmas Prayers 2016

Good evening peeps,

I am doing the Christmas Prayers a few days early due to the rather uncertain and transient situation I am in.

It isn't easy for me to pray any more, due to being destroyed by the Godless Church of England, so why don't I pray for them to start with. The Bible says pray for your enemies, and those people who have destroyed me make a show of praying for me, condescendingly and convince themselves of their innocence and good motive by doing so. 

  • I pray for them, that the scales will fall from their eyes. I pray in Jesus Name that all those involved in harming me, especially Justin Welby, Tim Dakin and Trevor Willmott and their associated staff and clergy are divinely guided in 2017 by their God to 'resign' as the Dean did. And I pray that they are blessed, no matter how evil and corrupt and psychopathic they have been. Because that is what Jesus wants, for us to bless our enemies and destroyers, and that is a theme throughout the Bible, it does not remove what they have done, I just pray a blessing on them, because I am perverse. Amen
  • I pray for anyone feeling as awful as I am or having survived or not so much survived complex and prolonged harm. No-one should ever have to feel like this. I pray for a better life for anyone who has been destroyed, especially those destroyed by powerful abusers who are above accountability. Amen
  • I pray for anyone who is dreading this Christmas due to loneliness, hardship, abuse of any kind, illness, bereavement, separation or any loss or tragedy. In Jesus Name, amen.
  • I pray especially for the homeless, my street brothers and sisters, those who will be reached by outreach this Christmas and those who won't. I pray that some of them will feel valued enough to start their journeys home. I pray that all will be able to survive the winter. Thank you Lord that one of our homeless couples have been housed. Amen
  • Thank you Lord for those who look after the homeless. Especially the two charities that I am in contact with. Bless them Lord. Amen
  • I pray about the toy appeals and their work, that no child gets missed out. I pray for all those children who have very little to look forward to this Christmas, I remember my own homeless childhood. Lord bless the children this Christmas, You and I know what it is like to be homeless and have nothing at Christmas and no child deserves nothing for Christmas or at any time. Bless them Lord, amen.
  • Lord look after the elderly, those who are cold or alone and feel left out or isolated this Christmas, send warmth and light and love. Amen
  • Lord, it is hard to ask because the Jersey Deanery are over to Satan and a lost cause, but please change that, if you can, turf the evilangelicals out or close the defunct churches down to prevent injury to any more children or vulnerable adults. Amen
  • Lord bless my friends and the people in my life, especially those who have blessed me by reading my books and giving helpful feedback. Amen
  • Lord I pray for vulnerable people who are scared by the news and the EU exit and other issues such as terrorism. Amen
  • I pray that the Church of England stop being able to use news and current affairs to glorify themselves as it upsets their victims and the general public. Amen
  • I pray for justice and resolution and peace for abuse victims, especially those suffering barriers to justice and miscarriages of justice and being treated badly for speaking up, and I pray for all the victims and survivors who have spoke up recently, as the old wounds will be re-opened. Amen
  • I pray for everyone going out celebrating this Christmas, those who celebrate with alcohol and parties and those who celebrate by going to midnight Mass, may there be no collisions between them. May everyone return home safely. Amen
  • I pray that 2017 will be a better year for me and for us all. I pray that 2017 will be the year that the Church of England repent and take responsibility for their evil or that they will be held accountable by another authority. In Jesus Name I beg and pray this, amen.


Good Wednesday, peeps,

Well, Yesterday was a bit of a day.

I woke up sick yesterday because I hadn't been able to keep my head and neck supported in the night and the previous day's heavy work in the rain didn't help.

I had a bit of a non-day for most of the day, medded up and unable to concentrate on much.
In the afternoon, it turned into an upset stomach as well.

I managed to cope with that and as I was sure it wasn't infectious, I went over to do Christmas cards and gifts that had been delayed last week due to illness. We had a nice time, coffee and exchanging cards and gifts.
You may have notice that I am not doing parties and all the usual stuff this year, don't feel like it, so I am keeping festivities to the necessary, but that was alright.
Then I went carol singing with my foster church, we had a great time, the rain held off, and by the time we were finishing, the sky had cleared and the wind was bitterly cold.

We had hot drinks and hot mince pies at church, I did indeed eat a mince pie, I can tolerate a hot mince pie.
We chatted a lot and then I came home and was so tired that I was soon in bed and asleep.

This morning I woke remarkably early. With flashbacks and distress.

I got on with some writing and other things, and loaded my shelf unit into the car and got the laundry ready.

I will be dropping the shelf unit and laundry off and going for a haircut shortly.

Daddy, Daddy,
What will paradise be like?

Will there still be trees and flowers and grass there?
When all of these are gone in Jersey?
Swallowed up by concrete and greed,
So that I long for the green hills of England.

Precious Daughter, paradise will be what you want it to be,
so if you want hills and trees and fields, they will be there.

But what about my island? I love my island?
The sea and the rocks, this is my home.

In paradise the island and the green hills will all be there. 
The trains that you love, and the sea and the rocks. 

Daddy, Mummy, I reached paradise, my island and my sea,
my beautiful English hills and trees and grass.
But Daddy, Mummy, why aren't you here?
Why is there an injury in my heart and mind that nothing will heal?

It was such a long journey home through the dark, 
and my heart is aching, because a child needs her parents, 
even if they are abusive and destroy her soul,
a child bonds with their parents, a bond that never breaks.

And in all the attacks of the evil ones, 
they never stopped to consider the damage done
and everything that was lost
and all I have left is my island home and waiting

The lantern bearer waiting in the shadows laughs quietly
'your island?'
And I laugh too
because the biggest triumph can never be spoken 

Monday, 19 December 2016


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday I watched Miracle on 34th Street and then went to the carol service.  It was OK.
I came home reminded of how much time Church wastes.

I can't remember what I was doing apart from being tired but I forgot all about watching Humans.

I had a restless and dream filled night and woke up with mild depression and unwillingness to get up, but I was washed, dressed and out of the house before it was light, off to work.

It must be nearly Christmas, all the parking was gone, so I parked up the top with a note on the dashboard.
I started the day with a good old litterpick, muttering cheerfully about getting all the rubbish jobs.
The others started with weeding, I like my litterpick because I start the day by just walking round until I wake up, and then I sneak for a coffee and loo, although it is usually tea break by then anyway.

After tea break, we all worked on weeding a huge border, and then it was lunch. It has been a cold grey and damp day.

After lunch the others went to transplant and move shrubs and clear beds up the hill and I went to do the leaf blowing and then transplant and move shrubs and clear beds down the hill. It wasn't to do with anyone not wanting to work together, it was to do with three of us working a huge site and trying to keep it all under control. The youngster works with my more mature workmate you see, and I am capable to work alone, so it works fine for all of us if we divide to get some jobs done.
It started raining and it rained wetly as I stripped dead palm fronds off trees and trees showered wetly on me and the palms cut my hands and everything became muddy and churned up. There is a nice man who lives there and he always is nice and comes to talk and thanks us for our work.

The others came to join me when they finished their jobs, and we finished the day there, the nice man came out with a box of nice biscuits for us, which we divided up. Hmm, I never buy biscuits but these were yummy ones.

Then  we finished work and I came home via the lockup to drop some stuff off.

When I got home I went on Catchup to watch the stunning and dramatic finale to Humans Series 2, obviously there will be a third season.

And then it has been Hollyoaks, shower, supper and trying to get myself into some writing and music work.

Sunday, 18 December 2016


Good lunchtime, peeps,

Well I woke up this morning feeling kind of depressed but also as if I had slept well.
I got up and sleepily started some admin before Church.

Yes, I went to my foster church, they are their old selves. There was a guest speaker, and it wasn't Jonathan, which is OK because it meant I didn't get a hug that made me smell of aftershave for the rest of the day. Aftershave is interesting it is perfume that men wear and it smells better than what perfume ladies wear. But it makes me sneeze.

Anyway, the service was good, we belted out some carols and then the visiting speaker gave a long talk.
Can you imagine the nortyperson during a long talk? after half an hour...

'So, what is salvation?'


'No JJ. Salvation is not chicken, chicken is later'.

Anyway, here I am, I came home via the Great Ship Bay and now the chicken is on, and there is nothing on television apart from trashy American Christmas films that all seem the same.

This evening I will go to the carol service and in the week I will go out carol singing, just going through the motions.

The fog is thick, driving in it has been interesting.

Saturday, 17 December 2016


Good evening peeps,

I am running out of energy now.
Today was another scrambled day, starting again with grabbing a parking space round the front.
I have got a lot of stuff done though, post office, errands, moving stuff, clearing the flat etc.
I hoped to get some writing and admin stuff done as well, but I haven't got very far with that.

Not much else to say really.
Oh, apart from thank you to people sending me gifts and things, that's nice of you. I am still not really celebrating Christmas. I will try to send some e-cards on Monday to people who didn't get a card from me, I just didn't get the cards finished this year.
I will go to my foster-church tomorrow and try to sing carols.

Friday, 16 December 2016


Good evening peeps,

All very odd isn't it?

People have been looking up a post on my blog that reads 'letter calling for the resignation of...'
But that is not a letter calling for the resignation of the Dean, is it?
It calls for the resignation of the Bishop and Jane Fisher.
JJ. was told by God to only face off against the Diocese of Winchester, not the Deanery of Jersey.

Yes it is true that the Dean had freehold of the Jersey Deanery and intended to stay, and he and his wife jeered that at me while calling me evil and saying that the Bishop could do nothing to them.

So, why?
Well. Ignore the lies and crap in the news.
I was told today.
It wasn't the white hats or the black hats. It was the large dog loose in the wood.
See this link:

It aint over yet, not even for Fiver or Bigwig, but will the last of the white hats fall too soon? JJ. is very poorly, will she still stand against Satan's own Diocese or will she fall too soon? Will there be a big finale or will JJ just fall and die without the Diocese being held to account?

Haha, the above is brought to you by Junie Wanman and Green Pie productions. How to pretend to be mad to keep the Church of England happy.
Yeah, the Dean resigned because of a very non-publicized arrest. The papers and media will only ever report what the Church of England tell them to.

Anyway, I had a good but hard day's work and came home with time to shower and change before my last music lesson before Christmas. My music is going well despite being distracted from practice by so many things. That's why the tutor has given me a hard piece to practice over Christmas.

Thursday, 15 December 2016


Good evening peeps,

I am just researching Baroque period composers.

I had a strange dream last night. I was dreaming about Leicester, very vivid and clear, Leicester, buildings, garages, shops and churches, incredibly technicolour, Vaguely in the dream was something about Keith Vaz, and then something about Anstey Heights - The weird thing is, I didn't know there was a place called Anstey Heights, and it wasn't built when I was in Leicester, but I have just looked it up, it is a real place, between Beaumont Leys and Anstey.

Anyway, I have had a busy day.
I was just scrambling sleepily out of bed, feeling rather unwell. when someone out the front moved their car, so I put clothes over my pyjamas and moved Max round the front.

Then I washed and dressed.
Then I cleaned Max and did his oil and water. He was filthy with sand and grime, all cars are at this time of year.
Then I loaded stuff from the flat into Max.

Then off I headed, collected the laundry, unloaded stuff at the lockup and then went to a meeting.
It was a helpful meeting.

I then went to work, my afternoon social and exchange of christmas stuff was cancelled due to illness, so I booked a haircut on the way to work and went to work to put another garden to bed for the winter.
Work went quickly and I was soon back here, studying and also sorting and preparing the flat for the move.
I am so tired.

Wednesday, 14 December 2016


Good evening peeps,

I am sitting here feeling tired and in pain, and listening to Bob Hill's Theme. It's funny isn't it, that this is his theme for the ghost roads when he collapsed, and yet he isn't the lantern bearer, the guiding light, he was the speaker, the lantern bearer in Jersey still waits, and it looks like some of his work is done now, but not the final task of course, because that will be to lead HG from St. Clement where she sleeps, to St Ouen and lay her to rest.

Bob's Theme

I am so tired, but I hold onto Bob Hill's life with my strength and soul, and I won't let go until I fall as well, or unless he wants to go. It is possible for a human spirit to fight for another's life, I believe that without doubt. He fought for my life, and my life is destroyed but I am alive still, for the moment.

I am still helming the boat, the sea is choppy and it is dark, and I helm alone in the silence, and it is nearly over.

Aside for that, lets have some real daily life.

I couldn't wake up this morning, I was exhausted and in pain and deeply depressed. You know it is bad when I can't rise out of the depression.
Anyway, it took me a while to get sorted and go and do some work, only a short day, finishing another garden for the season, although I have a bit of winter work for them in January, moving dormant shrubs and things like that.

After that I made a start on preparing to move house, just a small start as I am tired and in pain and my throat was all raw and abscessed again.

Then I have been trying to get some university work done, term ends this week and I have passed everything for the term but I still have plenty of stuff to get on with.
I have watched Hollyoaks, That scene with Ellie at the end of First look Hollyoaks caused brief flashbacks.

Tomorrow I have a meeting, and work and then I have to go and see my mates and exchange Christmas type cards and stuff, oh I wish it wasn't Christmas. I am too tired. I know it is a relapse, but a relapse with Christmas and moving is a bad thing.

Bob didn't have any more options...

The Dean, in response to so many questions

Dear Peeps,

The stats are up because of the Dean's 'Resignation'. Just as the stats went up when in the summer the Archbishop and Bishop smeared me and upheld the Dean earlier this year. More death threats, hate attacks and lies against me always result from these one-sided press shows.

The Dean, as you know, has had the freehold of the Deanery and would have stayed until retirement, but was made to step down. The big show in the press and the resulting troll attacks on me are to do with the same thing as the Bishop and Archbishop upholding the Dean and his engineered Steel report earlier this year.
It is all catastrophic dishonesty and safeguarding failure, cover up and show, because the Church's image matters more than anything else.

The Dean and his wife jeered at me that they had freehold of the Deanery and would remain until retirement, in the same conversation with me where they called me evil and tried to use one-sided accounts of abuse and harm I had suffered in the past against me. This conversation was not recorded or dealt with by Jane Fisher and was blatantly lied about in court where I had no voice.

In 11 years has Jersey become more Christian, less unequal, more honest or kind or Christian? No, from what I have seen of Stuart and Trevor and Shona being destroyed and the terrible behaviour of the Bailhache Brothers and others. The Dean has achieved nothing for his free house and massive salary, and he is a danger to the vulnerable through his dishonesty and his acts of destroying a vulnerable adult to save his own skin. It is astounding that the Church are upholding him and giving him other positions where he will be a safeguarding risk, after they spent a million pounds covering up for him and destroying me.

No lessons have been learned. The Church of England with their loud noise and hot air about safeguarding and habit of employing people 'from a social care background' to create an image but not good safeguarding, is as dishonest and corrupt as it always was.

There still needs to be an independent review into my case and why I have been publicly destroyed, and the church are still hiding behind lawyers and insurers and even if they were to be forced to allow a review, they would choose a conflicted person and call them independent, no lessons have been learned. The complicit press print whatever the church say, and have told me so, and my side is only printed in distorted snippets.

The Church need to be audited by the government, and use of the press and media for the Church's own ends needs to be investigated and regulated.
No lessons have been learned. The million pound Jersey farce is a disgrace that the Church can't even find the grace or Christianity to take responsibility for.
The Dean is upheld and there is no safeguarding in the Church.

But once the Dean returns to the UK, taking legal action against him will be much simpler. I hate trying to deal with paperwork for two different countries.