This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 31 December 2015

A look back at 2015 part 2 July-December


I had a sad start when I was told that the car I had been offered on loan was not available. I didn't blog this as I was afraid that talking about any possible progress in my life would trigger a vengeful attack by Jane Fisher, who is a very jealous lady and spent so much time destroying me and everything I had built up in my past life.

Anyway, life went on, struggling to get to work and carry tools and equipment on the bus, although my friend helped me out with lifts wherever she could.
 The blue bike was also complicating things by playing up at this point.

I continued physiotherapy and sea swims but wasn't paying any attention to diets and gym.

What I wrote on July 13th 2015 is so profound that I thought I may as well add it in here: 

This is the song that reminds me of the summer of 2015, although it comes from the sad circumstances of Pheobe's funeral in Hollyoaks.

Hollyoaks became my best way of chilling out after a hard day at work early on in 2015.
 It is shallow and not always well-researched, but even my adoptive Mum says there is nothing wrong with something like Hollyoaks to help me relax and take my mind off things.
 I never thought I would be a soap fan.

Through the year I had been occasionally remembering to go out with my mates to cinema and other events, but not often, especially as money was tight. I started pen pal letters as a safe and easy form of armchair socialising, not sure what the armchair thought, but I still enjoy penpalling very much and my pen pals are like real friends. A lot of shy people or people who find socialising difficult find pen palling a good way of socialising.

On 16th/17th July, life changed again.
I had put a bit of money aside from tax credit backlog. And I saw a car on the local marketplace site. I decided that this car was either too good to be true or perfect for me when I read the advert.
So my long-suffering friend came out in the evening and drove me to look at this car.
 My last car in Jersey after Anna's demise had been a bum steer, so I was quite worried about buying a car. I had been having refresher lessons in July due to the fact I hadn't driven since Jersey. But I was very wary of re-introducing things into my life that had been left behind in Jersey. On the other hand due to my work, there was no way I could go on paying for expensive bus passes for unreliable buses. The only was was forward now.

So the day I went to the cinema with my mate to see 'Self/less' which you know is now my favourite DVD, F.P Nortycar, otherwise known as Florence, became my car. I was nervous from the start, an old car like Florence, even though she is a Peugeout, is a constant worry as to how long she will last and when she might break down, I just look after her as best I can.
I was very nervous to drive her at first and the night we collected her, my friend came back with me on that first drive, with her family following behind and guarding us from impatient cars.

Florence broke down two days after I got her. Norty little madam that she is.
For two weeks I was undecided as to what to do, money was low and to even have her towed would be expensive, I didn't have any car equipment and no mobile mechanic was available, while no-one I knew had any mechanical experience. I felt stupid and awful.
She broke down on the morning I was due to go to see my new therapist, so I grabbed my bike and ran for it.
I got to my therapy on time and my therapist is still my therapist, isn't he a brave man?

After almost two weeks, everyone in my life was telling me to contact the car's previous owners and ask them if they knew what might have gone wrong and if they had any jump leads.
I still didn't know if they had sold me a pup at this point and was nervous. But I contacted them. They came round promptly with jump leads, it turned out he was a skilled mechanic and knew this car very well, he discovered that it wasn't the battery, but the ignition amplifier had failed, he replaced it, and he became the car's best friend, assisting with any problems, he had probably been maintaining this car for years, hence it being in such good shape. But now with the car back on the road, I suddenly regained confidence and the memory of driving before.

By now I was already doing study preparation for University, which was due to start in October.

I was also addicted the 'Humans' series on Channel 4, and I have the DVDs now.

The weather in July was good, and I biked and swam and enjoyed BBQs and Bonfires.

My first music exam must have been in the summer, but I can't find it in the blog.


Well, August started with a bang. My landlady's daughter had moved herself in and then the landlady suddenly said she was moving a family with children in and we could like it or leave. A family with children would be impossible for me to live with, so I started to search for somewhere else, very upset.

I soon found the flat I am now in, and it was unfurnished so I had to look at furnishing it before I moved in.

I also started doing the paper rounds by car as I was now covering extra rounds.

I proceeded with the move to the flat. The upheaval left me unsettled as I had expected to stay where I was longer. Thankfully my friend helped me through the bewilderment and emptiness with tea and sympathy.

The rest of August was spent on trying to furnish the flat and make it into home. I was now completely independent and self-contained, all bills and responsibilities were mine. But at least I was no longer doing all the housework for a whole house.

Unfortunately the house move and moving heavy furniture, while also helping another family move, led to me tearing a muscle in my shoulder, which took a long slow time to mend.

The move to the flat took me some distance from the paper shop, and trying to do the papers by bike was no longer working, so I went by car every day. Then I was offered the rural routes for more money, and the car was essential. I was now having to get up very early in order to get to the paper shop for 6.30 and get the paper bundle to the rural distributor before doing my new rounds.


September started with my adoptive Mum coming over for the Royal Inspection of the flat. She approved. 
Then the sofa bed saga occured. I had been sleeping on the floor of the flat when I moved in, and because the flat is small, I thought a sofa bed would be good. But the sofa bed was so uncomfortable that I didn't sleep well, my friend brought camping mattresses round and that helped a bit, but now getting up early, still unsettled in the new place and not sleeping well, it was all putting stress on me,  my injured shoulder was also suffering from the sofa bed.
The doctors had put me on codeine for my shoulder and I was even more ill.
After a while I had to beg the local welfare scheme for help, and they had a bed delivered promptly, God bless them.
I also decided I needed just a few days off from doing the papers, and that was a lifesaver, I slept in and felt better.

 On Friday September 11th, my friend came round to my flat, she was worried about me being ill and she had brought me another camping mattress to make sure I was comfy.
She was coughing, she thought she had a chest infection and she was considering seeing the doctor as it hadn't cleared up.
Unfortunately it wasn't a chest infection. And it wasn't pneumonia, which was the next guess.

The next thing I heard was that she was in hospital. 
She was terminally ill and the illness had crept in and got a hold. Already there was little they could do.

 Florence P. Nortycar also tried to quit life at this point, she blew her head gasket and that was nearly the end of her, thankfully her best friend was prepared to fix her. She was off the road for 10 days though so I couldn't do the rural routes and had to just bike round my old round instead.

My dental problems continued and I was increasingly unhappy about that.

I ended September by nominating the Bishop of Winchester as spiritual guide for the envoy to Mars.


October is anniversary month, so it can be gloomy. I did what I do every year regarding one anniversary, the one where I was left destroyed and homeless by the Church of England. I went to Southampton airport, and walked down to collect myself from arrivals.

Now I was also officially starting university, having started studying in preparation in July.

My friend came home from hospital and she seemed happy but tired, she said she didn't mind dying, but of course I minded that she was dying.

Up until this point the Church of England had been fairly quiet except for a jeer about 'God's people being safe in the churches in Jersey' well what about the normal people and the vulnerable? With a paedophile protector as lay chair of the Jersey synod and my abuser still lauded and upheld while I was destroyed, real people aren't safe in Jersey's churches and I was left shocked and distressed by Bishop Willmott's duplicitous statement,

But now the Jersey Deanery, led by their 'lay chair' attacked with full force, stomping like two year olds and demanding their whitewash report again, and abusing the press and media in order to get themselves heard.
The press and media and random strangers in turn abused me over this matter.

This continued into November, seriously disrupting my university studies and music studies.

Thre DWP, HMRC and council also decided to bombard me with rubbish and confusing stuff at this point too.

The bad anniversaries coninued with the church attacks.
It was a horrible October and November.


Early in November, very ill from the onslaught by the Jersey Deanery, and also now physically ill as well, I went to sit another music exam. The church hatred and onslaught had trashed my revision but I decided to sit the exam anyway.
I really couldn't tell how well I had done at the time. But my adoptive Mum met me outside the exam hall and took me to lunch and we had fun at one of my old favourite cafes, before I proceeded to do something that is omitted from this blog much as most of the Jersey Deanery onslaught is, I just really wanted to blog as normal and say nothing.
After I left my Mum when we finished lunch, I drove to Winchester.

Winchester was quiet and normal, and as usual I tried to get over the feeling of sickness and disgust that is the legacy of the way Jane Fisher and Michael Scott-Joynt destroyed and defamed and drove me from my home town humiliated and destroyed.
Today was a triumph over their sickening exile of me from my home town and loved ones.

I walked up to the Broadway.

There weren't many people yet.
I got my wristband and I waited.
People began to gather. 
It began to get dark and the atmosphere began to build.
I was restless and excited as I always have been.
I got my firebrand, I was a bit too eager, I lit it while others were keeping theirs unlit.
 I realised I was too early so I put it out again.

I waited, and there was plenty of space to move around, and it got later, things were running late now, firebrands were being lit.

The crowd gathered and increased, and more people asked to light their firebrand from mine, the more people who ask you for a light for their firebrands, the luckier you will be.
And then we were off, walking up the hight street with our brands, looking back at the line of lights following.
I raise my firebrand high in the air and joyful as the flame burns bright:

Winchester, my heart, my home my heritage! 
Nothing they do can take you from my heart!
Nothing they can do can take you from my heart! 
Winchester, my Heart, my Home, my Heritage!

We proceed round onto Jewry Street,  the noise, the lights, the crowds, my heritage, my memory, all I ever knew. The crowds who split onto George Street rejoin us as we walk to the halted traffic on City Road and round down onto North Walls.

Those years ago, North Walls was free, but because of council regulations, they have to charge now. But it doesn't matter, it is still North Walls. We stream in onto the field, the floodlights partially light the field, and all around the edges are the food vans and attractions as the atmosphere builds and people begin queueing.
There is a sad empty space beside me for the people who used to be there with me, should still be there, but the diocese took them away.
But North Walls is immortal and beyond the vengeful rage of Jane Fisher.

The bonfire and fireworks are awesome, of course.

And then I head home.

North Walls of the past (scroll down the post a bit):

I found a new dentist who has been repairing my teeth very well.

Then the world shattered.

Bob Hill collapsed, presumably with the stress of his battle with Philip Bailhache and the press and media and Church of England over my case. I had been begging him to back down and leave the case alone but Bob was a law unto himself. He collapsed and for a few days I didn't know if he was still alive or if he had ever woken.
In that time I kept a candle burning, the guiding light to draw him off the ghost roads, and I offered God my life in return for his. 
This song became 'Bob's Theme' as I waited to find out what had happened. All I could do was fight for his life in prayer and spirit. It is true he hurt me badly, but he had my welfare at heart.

When I saw Bob, he was awake, lucid and with some movement, he understood some of what I said but he had no ability to speak, which broke my heart as he had spoken for me, and had been speaking in my defence when he collapsed and I believe it is why he collapsed.
I wish him a speedy recovery. 
In his collapse he also saved my life again, because I ended up at the hospital with a blood pressure reading of 180/113. I didn't know how ill I was until Bob collapsed.
I have been under constant and severe stress for so long, my blood pressure has to be regulated and medicated, and as a result I am trying to live very healthily, with a vegeterian diet and no cows milk, regular diet and fitness appointments and trips to the gym.

I blame the Church of England for ruining Bob's retirement, they refused to give him a hearing on my behalf and went on and on attacking my life, so a good man ended up ruined.

The darkness and distress and horror went deep, and despite the state I was in, the NHS refused to help me properly, and I had been forced to stop seeing my therapist due to the church crisis and lack of money as the gardening season went down and I struggled to find replacement work while I was in the awful state that the church left me in.

I was missing the cranky old cat from the old house so I got a new pet, remember him?
Image result for pictures of monitor lizards

I started a delivery driving job, which lasted a month. They overworked me and didn't pay me.
But I started it on November 24th and quit at 11pm on December 24th when they weren't paying me so december was so thin and horrible and they wanted me to keep working on Christmas eve and not go to midnight mass and they were rude about my faith. That is the tip of the iceberg, I never wrote it in the blog because I like you to think everything is OK as much as possible.
 My response to their crass behaviour on Christmas eve night? 'The Baby Jesus comes first you stupid f*ckers!'. 
I worked willingly even though they made me work all the time, changed my start times every day, and really were not nice. 
I have had so many instances in my life of staying in miserable and abusive situations, most notably in the church of England, that I am having to learn not to be afraid to break free quickly no matter what the cost. As my former psychologist said, I am easily exploited. I hate that.

Anyway, onwards into december.


A positive start with a good needs assessment that recommended support and communication technology.
Then more worrying news.
My adoptive parents started having health scares, so my Mum couldn't come over and help me with the net curtains.

The car had a service and some work that needed doing was flagged up, so the car's best friend did some of the work.

I then made another journey. And as I said on the blog 'Road to hell' comes to mind.

I felt very sad that due to the people I was delivery driving not paying me, I was left unable to prepare for Christmas or help with shoebox appeals or toy appeals or anything, those things are part of my Christmas, but with barely enough money to feed the electric meter, I could do nothing.

My phone got broken and I had no money to repair it, which added to the chaos.

I managed to enjoy local carols and Christmas tree festivals and temporarily joined a church as I missed the church at Christmas too much.

To add to the thin and unhappy time, my friend who is terminally ill was deteriorating, and we didn't know if she would make it to Christmas. But she wanted me there on Christmas day, if she was still there. This was really hard to live with.

I had some early Christmad presents including a wonderful tv/dvd player from my friends who I did some work shifts for, as they were relocating.

Then my customers on the rural paper routes started giving me Christmas cards and tips, so I started to be able to feed the electic meter and get Christmas things.

I got conjunctivitis just to add to everything.

Then I was offered a local paper round that I can do on the blue bike, because I think the very early starts and distances and wear and tear may not be good for me and Florence, so a local round by bike may be easier.

I managed to see my Mum and a few old friends for a pre-Christmas visit although it was a bit rushed due to everything I needed to do before Christmas now that I had got a bit of money.
I am blessed that someone heard I was struggling and sent me paypal money just by having my email address. I didn't know people could do that! :)
Hint hint, feel free to test it out.

The Christmas tree got decorated on December 19th, much too late as far as I am concerned, I like a tree from the beginning of december, I like the lights and decorations.
I am very happy to have so many Christmas cards this year, coming out of the darkness and into the light again maybe? I wish I could think I can keep this life and continue to build but I live in fear of being destroyed, imprisoned and killed by the Church of England.

Despite everything, the Christmas atmosphere has been good, the delivery work and papers in the dark with the carols playing on the car CD player, the cards and the lights and the presents and the food in the end. And the tv and DVDs, and my foster-church.
I also went out for a lovely Christmas meal with my mates.

My friend rallied a bit in the week before Christmas and I knew she would be there on Christmas Day.

The weather turned bad just before Christmas. And the local party was dampened.

I had agreed to work on Christmas Eve, Boxing Day, NewYears Eve and Day and was surprised that they also put me on the rota for all other days without a break.
 On Christmas eve night things got too much, I was tired of the way I was being treated, and when they left me as the sole driver and tried to make me stay on and on and work after 11pm when I was due to stop and go to Midnight Mass, an argument broke out. 
I was left very upset but I quit. And I am glad I did, I won't be exploited any more.
 I was crying as I went to Mass, but I found the service comforting.
I got home at 2am on Christmas morning and slept peacefully into Christmas Day.

We had a lovely Christmas Day and my friend was happy, she enjoyed her last Christmas with all her family there, and they looked after me well and it was lovely. She made an effort to live to see it. Now she sleeps a lot and hasn't got long to live.

On Monday I went to spend the day with a disabled friend who is alone and without carers over Christmas, I cooked him a full Christmas dinner and we had a great day. So lucky me, I have had TWO Christmas Days! How greedy can you get?!

I have had a peaceful holiday of tv and DVDs, walks by the sea and quiet time here. I have been covering extra rounds for the paper shop though.

And I am already starting my next music course, I am self-taught at the moment but putting in for exams is easy. On Christmas Eve I got the results of the exam that the church disrupted, I passed. I also have my next wave of assignments for university to work on, and I am hoping the Church of England doesn't further disrupt my course.

 It is hard to be optimistic about 2016, I am under too much strain from the Church of England and other areas and I need to find more work. However, all I can do is try to hold my head up and face the future bravely and fight for things to get better. As I hope I have done this year.

Happy New Year everyone! :):):) Blessings and prayers for a better year all round.





New year's Eve

Good afternoon peeps,

Well yesterday evening I was tucked comfortably into bed, watching television and writing.
This morning I was so tired doing the papers that I didn't do gym and came home intending to sleep, and did office work instead.

Then I went on one of my desparate missions over the cliffs to drop something off.
The wind was buffetting Florence.
I went along the cliffs and the waves were huge and I sat in my car with a cuppa and photo'd and video'd the waves.

Then I came home, missed Wallace and Gromit, watching Home alone2 while cooking a late lunch.

I will complete the look back at the year at some point, the first half is being read a lot.

The headlines this morning were about Simon Danczuk and his indiscretions, which he says are not quite true. But sadly when I saw him posing with Keith Vaz, I didn't think he was credible any more.
 He is a bit like John Hemming now, John Hemming campaigned loudly about Jersey while sleeping around and ruining his own family.
I wish these people wouldn't do things like this, it makes it hard for survivors to trust any 'champions' in government.

Although I have to say, it is the Sun calling Danczuk a 'perv' when they degrade and objectify women and encourage abuse every day.

Tonight I will stay up with a cuppa and watch the chimes and the fireworks.
Then tomorrow is a really late start with the papers and I have two other rounds to cover as well as mine.

The weather has been pure fury, the wind and waves and rain.

Wednesday, 30 December 2015

Looking back at 2015 part 1. January - June

Well, let me reluctantly trot out highlights or lowlights of the year. This year has been a year of tremendous change for me, and also a year of terrible destructive trauma as a result of the Church of England and their press and media.


 Well Januaries are bleak, January 2015 was very bleak.

In January I was ill in a freezing cold house with no hot water or heating, I was very ill with chest infections, while a drunk antisocial person illegally moved themselves into the house without the landlord's consent while he was away, and I was threatened. I had no money and was ill and had just moved from another terrible lodging house that I had moved to in a hurry when my lovely flat was condemned (not this flat, the other one).

So, no money, ill and in an unstable situation, could it get worse? Well yes, the Deanery of Jersey decided they wanted their whitewash report released and decided to attack in the press and media again, leaving me destroyed and devastated all over again.

And apparently their reasoning was that 'The Dean wanted to see their carefully engineered report before his friend the Leiutenant-Governor sent him off on holiday to America for three months at tax-payers expense. He can't send him to the UK because as soon as the Dean resides in the UK he will be taken to court, but that is by the by. The attack woke me from my stupor to produce several Open Letters:

Another reason for the Jersey Deanry's renewed attack was that Michael Birt, one of the Town Church Clique and also the retiring bailiff in January, abused his power without stating his place in the church, to demand the release of the conflicted report done by his colleague, Dame Heather Steel.

Just reading through last January, I actually went to Winchester and served...presumably the 'Resign' letter on Bishop Dakin? Although it wasn't published on Open Letter until February 21st:

During January 2015, I had decided that due to the horrendous poverty that meant I couldn't afford Christmas or a haircut or shoes, and which kept me in bad accommodation where I was abused and at risk, one step from rough sleeping all the time, it was time for me to return to work.
I was also, despite the circumstances, making some sort of a partial recovery from the severe trauma that  had meant I was unemployable.
Unfortunately my return to work was delayed and disrupted by the DWP/Jobcentre's refusal to support me or respond to my need for supported phased return to work.
 However, having decided to see if I was fit for work, I immediately started working in a Charity shop, a job that I continued for some months. This started to boost my confidence and get me out of the unhealthy house, which I was housekeeping for men who did drugs and drank and really couldn't be bothered to think about other people.

You can actually tell how ill and in a mess I was if you look at January's blog.

However, in January I got a music keyboard, a good one, and started to regain my music dreams, although at the time I mentioned that regaining anything from Jersey or before can cause trauma and despair because of what was taken from me then and how regaining any of it feels useless.

My bike was sabotaged in January, which made me sad, that someone could deliberately hurt my bike and put my life in danger.

In January I was still attending 'Horse Therapy' but it was very institutional and autocratic, and we weren't even allowed to touch the horses most of the time, we were just used to carry out stable tasks, and it was not the true 'horse thereapy' to help with emotions that I had hoped for, so before long I quit.
Most of my other activities had been stalled at this point by crisis, illness and lack of money, so no gym, swim, health and fitness or social activities, and unfortunately I let this lapse continue even when things got better.


Now preparing to further my preparation for return to work with volunteer gardening, I was doing well working for the charity shop, and planning to donate the proceeds of my next sponsored walk to them, having changed the walk from the traditional pre-Christmas to start on Easter Monday instead.

I was obviously distressed and dispairing at this point and life was grim, but I proceeded in trying to improve it.
Throughout January and February I was ill, depressed and also suffering constant chest infections in the cold unheated house with no hot water.
Then things changed for the better slightly.

I managed to get a room in a house share in the town where I felt 'at home' having been forced to leave by my old flat being condemned. My friend helped me to move house and my adoptive mum came over to help with the packing, it felt like a really dark time was over.

I started to feel better and more hopeful now, and saw this as a semi-long-term move until I could get another flat or bedsit.
I also started using saline and tonic to try to get over the exhausting chest infections, and eventually they did clear.

My new houseshare had a cat, who became a great companion and comfort to me, although he had a wicked and sudden temper and would lash out for no reason.

There was an earthquake in Winchester, which, after the floods, should have given Bishop Dakin a hint, but it didn't. He is rather lacking in hint-taking ability.

February was unremarkable apart from the move to a better place.


March blew in, and life changed again.

I continued to work in the charity shop while continuing to progress back towards work.
I began work on the volunteer gardening team, this was to see if I could ever regain the strength and proficiency to be a gardener.
 To my surprise despite finding the work painful and exhausting I made good progress and was usually left to work alone on the grounds of this prestigious local attraction.

The Bishop of Winchester was politely requested to provide me with a donkey for Palm Sunday because I believed he and the Church would kill me this year, after all, I was 33 and had spent three years wandering homeless and taking potshots at the pharisees in the Church of England. Sadly the Bishop has been all lala ears since I took him to court, and he didn't want to play.

My eagerness to work led to me working on my Birthday when I had a migraine because I was on a work trial, it spolied my Birthday, especially as the job was not suitable, it was a sweat shop job where I was the only English person, it was a massive vegetable growing plant, but it was nothing to do with horticulture really, it was more to do with production, the conditions were bad, the heat was dreadful and the conditions, such as geting there for 7am, were simply not meetable in my case before I started driving again.

However, I was not put off from seeking work, especially I was having such a harsh time with the DWP and was in such poverty.
 So I attended a job interview, was shortlisted but didn't get the job, but considering where I was coming from, the fact I was shortlisted and had such a good interview.

As another wave of damage from the DWP came, I quit benefits because the stress was making me so ill, and I proceeded to register as self-employed, merriting me a double load of stress from the DWP and HMRC. What a nightmare! However, I had no choice but to persevere, now marginally fit for work and simply not able to go on living in a kind of poverty where I couldn't afford clothes or shoes or a haircut.

 My church attendance was tailing off now because the trauma of the Church of England just got too much.

That is about it for March.


I kept the tradition of the Passover meal at the beginning of April.
Then I went through the motions of celebrating Easter.

On Easter Monday I started my annual sponsored walk. The weather was ideal, warm and sunny but sometimes windy, so I got wind burned.
The walk helped me mentally as I was alone in beautiful landscape, in the lovely sunshine. It was harsh physically as my physical state is pretty rubbish.
My friend dropped me off, collected me, brought refreshments and encouraged me each day, and it was the best sponsored walk I have ever done.

I had a bad Grand National and a Bad Oxford and Cambridge race this year :( even worse that my boss at the charity shop was an Oxford fan and he told me there was no doubt that they would win! 

I continued self-taught music theory and practice and had lessons when I could afford it. My practice exams were distinction level.

I was now picking up work, gardening and holiday cleaning changeovers. 
And of course I started the immortal paper rounds, biking round town with my sack of papers on my back in the early morning sunlight, heaven.

I was having an ongoing bad time with dental work from a bad dentist but at the time felt so grateful to get any treatment that I didn't complaint, as our district has very little NHS cover.

That was all for Ap


The General election went ahead with dissappointing results, the CofE pretty much swing it by telling their clergy and staff who to vote for in the church propaganda rag. (Church Times).

May was quiet but for constant tension and fear about the Church. I continued to build up my work.

Now that I had some money coming in, I started going to car boot sales again. This made me happy, the luxury of actually being able to get books and odds and ends for myself felt amazing, you have no idea what the grinding poverty of living on benefits is like unless you have experienced it! 


This month I started being sent 'interview questions' as members of the public had only been hearing the Church's side of my story. This was interesting and all interview questions and answers are up on the blogs still.

Elizabeth Hall, the famous uncoverup leader and protector of abusers in the Church of England made a swift and silent exit in the Church's new trend of removing female safeguarding officers and replacing them with men.

I started another course of physiotherapy to help with my legs. It was very nice and the physio helped.

I was now sea swimming every day again.

And as I had done with previous houses, I was doing all the housework and care of the place, which was too much for me.
I was also going through the complex inaccessible university and student loans applications, preparing, despite the risk from the church, to start university.

Then more Church rubbish hit, and left me very distressed.

I backed Golden Horn in the Derby, but to be honest, that was a given.

Then I went away for a working holiday. It was hard work, it had good and bad elements.

At this point some worry and effort went into safely restoring me to having a full driving licence, which I had been afraid would never happen. What happened to me was that I had been on a Jersey licence when I was dumped destitute on the street in 2010, and my licence was lost or stolen on the streets, leaving me unable to resolve it as you are not allowed to get a UK licence without a permenant address and the matter was so complex that it couldn't be resolved.
Thankfully the licence was resolved this year after a lot of paperwork, stress and worry.

I guess that is all for June. You have watched me rebuild so much of what was taken from me,  within the first six months of this year, and unaided.



The New Year's Revolutions

Good evening peeps,

I am resting in bed with a huge stack of pillows propping me up.

I stumble on my usual New Year's revolution, to convert the diocese of winchester/CofE to Christianity, as so far I am failing badly, they become more duplicitous and bigoted and out of touch with reality with every passing year, and sending them Bibles is so expensive. So I will give up on that one.

The difference between revolutions and resolutions is that you should keep resolutions secret like Birthday candle wishes, but revolutions are to share.

The revolutions:

  • To go on fighting for good health and help
  • To get some writing done (nice and vague)
  • To be assertive 
  • To study well and do as much in advance as possible to prevent the church trashing my course again with their silly press games.
  •  To go on rebuilding my life if the church or their police don't kill me
  • To tell my story, which will lead to the police and church killing me of course.
  • To continue with my music
  • To get a decent part time job to support me through my studies.

Well, to be honest, that is the extent of the New Year's revolutions. The next post may well be the look back at the year. Today's normal daily post was posted before this one on Life After the Diocese, and on The Anythings and Everything Blog the previous post was about coke in Cathedrals :)


Good afternoon,

I am sitting in bed as I have run out of ideas as to what to do. So I have finally connected the tv ariel splitter and put an ariel extension to the newer tv, the picture quality is excellent and I am randomly watching a marine life programme.

Yesterday evening I also sat in bed, studying, then I went to bed early, tired.
I still had nightmares and distress.

I woke this morning and went to do the papers not much later than usual, and unfortunately I am still covering my old round. I didn't even try to go to the gym after that, the weather was so ferocious, and has been all night and day.
I sat on the seafront, watching wild waves roar while the sky was aflame with sunrise.

Then I came home and got on with various things.
Then I went into town and on the way back I checked if my friend wanted the cleaning done, but she sleeps a lot now and hadn't got up when I got there at 1pm. Only one of her family was there and she said not to worry about the cleaning this week, which is fine. Although I know I may never do the cleaning again, because when someone is close to death, they sleep more and more and then they don't wake up. On January 4th it will be five years since my friend Anne died, estranged from me and influenced by the defamation of me by Jane Fisher and the Scott-Joynts.

This reminds me of Anne, as you know I use music for times and emotions in my life, and this will also remind me of my friend who is slipping away now:

So, back home via the massive waves on the seafront, I feel tired and not too good, and I strained my leg at the gym yesterday, I did 60 leg press reps without paying attention because those guys were fighting. So bed is a good place to sit and write and watch tv and get on with studying.
I have next terms assignments to start, the headstart may prevent the church from trashing my study again. And I have the materials for my next music exam to study.

 I will be doing the new year's revolutions, maybe today, and a look back at the year, when I can, I feel reluctant to do the look back as I remain traumatised.

Tuesday, 29 December 2015


Good lunchtime,

Well I had flashbacks and nightmares and distresses in the night and I was glad to wake up.

I got to the shop for about 6.45 because the list said 7am for the papers and I know better.
I wasn't supposed to be doing extra rounds today, but when I stopped back to the shop with bill payments, my old round hadn't been done, the lad hadn't come back from holiday when he said he would, so I had to do that round as well :( and the weather was wild.
I had been due to go to the gym, so I got there late.

Due to me getting to the gym late and the new years resolutioners starting their invasion early, the gym was quite busy and the instructors were too busy to check my blood pressure before I trained, so I asked if I could train anyway as my blood pressure has not been dangerous recently.

They said yes, and so I was struggling to get near the machines in the gym as it was so busy.
Then when I was busily doing what the instructors frown upon, 100 reps of 22.5 on the lateral pulldown, a fight broke out.

I didn't see how it started, but I get most dismayed when people beat each other up when I am peacefully overdoing my workout, this caused me to put too much energy into my workout altogether.
These two guys ended up chasing each other round the gym, rolling on the floor and thumping each other, while astonished gym users looked on.
It became obvious that one of these guys was out of his face on something, and had taken offence, and he was really aggressive, he got removed, and I think the police were called.
 But it upset everyone, especially some of the new years resolutioners, one girl went to the locker room and said she was scared to come out of there.

Anyway, I came home and got started on the bills. Council tax, tv licence, rent, credit card, and doing my sums, I don't have much money, but if I am pro-active and do the best I can to budget and work things out, even though my finances remain uncertain, I hope to survive.

Then I took the washing over to the laundry.

My lunch today was a variation on my usual fish and rice, I added crisps and cashews, because I need to use up the Christmas food, none of which I am normally allowed, and I have put on a few pounds in weight over Christmas.

I can feel the lactic acid in my muscles from this morning's workout :(

Monday, 28 December 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well today was Christmas day for my friend. And it went well.

This morning, the papers were not due until 7.45, but they were ready at 7.30 when I got there.

I did my rounds and then did my old round, I was only covering it yesterday and today and Florence is glad it is done because she really doesn't like the stop-start town rounds.
Now we just have late starts on my usual rounds until New Years day, when the papers are due at 9am and I have two rounds to cover as well.

I will miss the rural routes, cos all the customers know my name. This morning I was about to hurtle up a driveway but a car was reversing in the driveway. So I backed into the lane. And then someone shouted out my name and told me I could come up with the paper, his daughter was just going to work, he told me as I drove up and handed the paper out the window. Aww, I will miss all my peeps.

After doing my rounds and the extra, I had time to nip home, shower and breakfast, grab my friend's bag of gifts and head for his house 8 miles away.

I have not long been back.

When I got there, the first thing was to pre-heat the oven while I made up the turkey paste.
The turkey had defrosted nicely and I removed the unwanted bits.
I made the paste out of butter with salt, pepper, garlic and herbs.
Then I painted the turkey.
The turkey went on a mesh tray on a baking tray so all the juices could run through onto the baking tray, and having painted the turkey with paste, I then put two stock pots to melt on it.

When the oven had preheated well, I put the turkey in to start it's journey. It started off without bacofoil, for my own reasons.

Then it was time to peel the potatos, peeled and chopped, they then went to soak in boiling water with garlic and herbs.

Then it was time to peel and chop the veg. Broccolli, carrots, parsnips, sprouts and chestnuts.
Those were put to wait and soak on the hob in water with a pinch of salt.

The gravy powder went in a jug, and once the turkey was cooking well, I turned the oven down a bit, took the turkey out and drained the juice into a jug, I added some of this to the gravy mix, and the rest I used to pour back over the turkey.
Then I put the bacofoil over the turkey and let it continue to cook.

I added butter to the stuffing mix. Then I boiled the potatoes in the microwave, drained them. sprayed them with frylite and added a salt, garlic and herb mix, and put them in the oven with the turkey.

Eventually I could put the two pans of veg on low to start cooking. And I made the stuffing mix up, it was too delicious though so it was hard to stop eating it as I transferred it to a pyrex oven dish and into the oven.

So, now the turkey, potatos and stuffing were baking cheerfully in the oven, with the veg cooking on low.
I finished making up the gravy mix, adding boiling water and stirring a lot. The gravy was to finish off in the microwave, so it was Ok to finish making it up.

I really felt a bit unsure of myself as to making sure the turkey was completely cooked, but I needn't have worried.
The food was obviously nearly done when I turned the veg up to boil it.

The turkey simply fell off the bone when I took it out to see if it was done and would carve. So I removed the bones and the turkey meat was all sitting in a big dish which I put back in the oven with the stuffing and potatos while I strained the veg and got the plates ready while the gravy heated in the microwave.

So I turned the oven off, served the turkey, then potatos, then stuffing, then veg, and poured the gravy.

We both had a huge meal and he was very happy with it, I was amazed that I had been able to do this, because it isn't long since I wasn't able to concentrate long enough to cook rice due to PTSD.

Dessert was due to be Christmas Pudding and custard or cream, but we were both so full that we left it for later.
We watched television and took the dogs for a walk, all the way we were debating environmental issues, it is great to have someone to debate with, it should be essential to have someone for debates.

We had our Christmas pudding after the walk, and watched 'The Big Bang Theory'.

Then it was time for me to come home. And I joked to my friend that now I can keep house and cook Christmas dinner, I need to get married.

I have just been watching Hollyoaks. I think I need a warm shower and an early night as I am shattered.

The only problem is, I am having a lot of flashbacks, distress and nightmares at night and it makes me tired.

Just a footnote, I do not like my estranged family viewing my blog, they are a waste of space and life and to have treated me as they have, I have nothing but contempt for them, so please could they leave me and my life alone.
But, the other persistent viewer recently is someone I would like to speak to, so please could they contact me.

I will be doing the new year's revolutions as normal and a look back at the year, but that may have to wait a day or two.

Sunday, 27 December 2015


Good afternoon peeps,

I am thinking of tucking up in bed and watching Buffy, because I am tired.

Did you know that the chief missile of the church of england is the book of common prayer? :)
The Bishop of Winchester, protected by Hedley and the usual suspects, is making other people's lives a misery, as you may have seen in the news. It astounds me that so much blatant bad behaviour comes from the diocese of winchester, and has done for so long, without challenge.

Yesterday the sea played up to the occasion as it does, and was sending huge waves up the sea wall as everyone including me went out for our Boxing Day walks.

After the bay, I went up to the cliffs, I had been mistaken about the gym being open yesterday, so I had a nice time on the cliffs, watching the wild sea.

Then I came home for more tv and food and a sleep.

After my sleep, I started cleaning and tidying the flat, and that took me up to bed time.

I was watching Nativity 3, but to be honest, although the scenery graphics were good, I still think that they should have stopped with the original 'Nativity' which they just about got away with.

I had a restless night and woke up feeling tired this morning, and although it was a late start, I struggled to get up and get to the shop.

It felt funny to do the papers when it was getting light and people were up and about, and I got a belated card and tip.
After my usual rounds, I was covering my old round in the town, and it has a lot of new papers, so I had to find those, and Florence got huffy.

After doing the papers, I went to the gym and despite being tired, I did rather an energetic workout.

Then I came home and watched the Hollyoaks omnibus.

Then all I have been doing is looking after Florence - oil, tyre pressures, hoover, wash, petrol etc.

I really need to rest now. I never got my energy today.

Tomorrow I am going over to my disabled friend to cook him a belated Christmas dinner, we will have dinner and probably walk the dogs and watch tv.
I texted him to get the turkey out of the freezer and put it out of the dogs' reach!

Saturday, 26 December 2015

Boxing Day morning

Good morning peeps,

Well I could have slept as long as I liked, but I woke naturally at 9am.

It is still windy, so five mile road will be awesome and I will have to be careful on the cliffs.

Yesterday was lovely.

I finished wrapping the gifts and went round to my friend's house.
She had got up at 5am for some reason and so she was already back in bed.
The family bustled me in to sit beside her and got me a coffee.
I gave her her gifts but I had to help her open them as she can't undo sellotape any more and my gift wrapping is really scatty and with sellotape.

Then she decided to get up again, and used me to lean on and we went and sat in the front room, the dining table had been moved to the front room and it was all set up and everything looked very festive.

We sat and talked while some of the family busily ran the kitchen, and the kitchen was all perfectly organised when I looked round the door, good team work and everything perfect.

Dinner was lovely, the food was perfect and we pulled crackers and read the jokes out and it was such fun.

After lunch some of us went for a walk with the dog. We didn't go down to the sea or the cliffs, where a lot of people would be, we walked along the old railway line, there weren't many people along there, especially as the wind remained strong and occasional rain fell, by the time we had walked back, it was getting dark and beginning to rain again.

But again it was helpful to walk with my friend's family because we could talk about her. We are all happy that she lived to see this Christmas and she rallied a bit for it, because we didn't know if she would live to see it, but she really wanted to and it was really special. They tell me she maybe has a month at most but it could happen any day.

When we got home, some of the family, including my friend, were asleep in the front room, with the little one playing with her 'Frozen' and 'Inside out' toys very quietly.
It was now half past five already, so we had tea and coffee and I waited for my friend to wake so I could say goodbye, and then I came home.
I was sent home with tubs of Christmas dinner and pudding as there was so much!

There was nothing fascinating on television so I went out again, drove down to the sea and sat for a while watching the waves foaming in the full moon.
Then I came home and settled to reading and watching television until bed time.

Today is a very lazy day, just walks and television and pure laziness, well actually the gym should be open so I may well go and be lazy there! :) when I can remember how to get dressed.

Friday, 25 December 2015

Christmas Day

Merry Christmas peeps,

And yes, I am wearing my Santa Hat, of course!

Well I woke at 8.30am this morning, achy and tired, the change of routine puts stress on my shoulders, literally.

But I bowled into the shower and dressed. Forgot to do any breakfast, well my friends told me not to eat breakfast today in preparation for lunch! But I didn't mean to take them literally as I have to keep my blood sugar stable.

I did do the traditional Christmas coffee though, can't miss that!

And then it was time for Church.
Church was nice, cheerful and friendly and sparkly.

I now have about 40 minutes to wrap these gifts that got left to the last minute, and then it is off to lunch in the house full of people and noise and chaos, isn't Christmas awesome?!

I am very happy with my gifts, especially the 2016 Writers and Artists Yearbook! Would n't  be Christmas without that!
And the special Christmas pud looks good too... I am so not allowed Christmas pud, but seeing as it is a Christmas Present, it has no calories.
Several people spent money on Florence for me, petrol and repairs, as a Christmas Present. Also very kind and helpful, thanks.

And thanks to D. Who made my Christmas possible when my wages didn't come through.
I am grateful for God's blessings through you.

The Christmas lights and candles are glowing and the television is full of programmes to choose from, and the Christmas music is on.

I will update later on death by turkey :)

Safely home - 2am Christmas morning


I survived.

Christmas morning always begins when we get to the point in Mass where we sing
'yea Lord, we greet Thee, born this happy morning...' 

That is when I know it is Christmas Day.

The roads were surprisingly quiet actually, even town seemed quiet, no one really worried me at all as I worked.

I have genuinely just got home, but that is the worry of working Christmas eve, going to Mass and getting home safely all done.

Bed time now, and seeing as I go to Mass, Santa has plenty of time to sneek in and leave presents for me, I have that get out Claus where I don't have to be asleep.

Happy Christmas!

Thursday, 24 December 2015

Christmas Prayers

This year my prayers feel like the homework that needs to be in by midday. Maybe because it is impossible for me to have faith while the church continue to destroy me.

But anyway, the flat is all clean and decorated and ALL the shopping is done. I just have a load of gifts to wrap! :(
And, would you believe it, on Christmas eve, I got my music exam results!
Despite the best efforts of the Diocese of Winchester and States and Deanery of Jersey, I passed my music exam!!!
On to the next level.
 The festivities were dampened by the rain, so I went and finished the shopping, especially the gifts from the craft mall. (I do like that place).
Then I had a jacket potato at my favourite garden centre, and then I sat by the sea, watching perfect St. Ouens waves white-horsing their way to shore.
And Christmas wouldn't be complete without my favourite song from Garfield, although the sound isn't good:
I love the original Garfield Christmas special. Wish the sound was better.

By the way, I am eating all sorts of junk and rubbish right now, and cheerfully too.

Prayers for Christmas:

I will pray for the thing that is most on my mind first. Travel and the weather.
Dear Lord and Father, protect us all as we travel in this weather, especially those heading to friends and family now, and those of us working and going to midnight services tonight while others may have been drinking and the roads are so wet. Amen

I pray for all those who will be celebrating Christmas with alcohol, that they stay warm, well and safe. Amen

I pray for all people in povery or alone this Christmas, I will never forget my years with nothing at Christmas and worse, when friends made excuses and turned away. I pray for some hope for those people, for others to reach out with kindness, I pray that everyone has food and more than usual and hope and help and kindness. God bless them, amen.

I pray for any child without presents, that from somewhere, gifts will come. Amen

I pray for any child or adult who is facing a miserable christmas due to abuse or neglect, for freedom and hope. Amen

I pray especially for the homeless, the rough sleepers who have two choices if they are sleeping rough and can't access any shelter while everything is closed, they can walk and walk or they can sit in a blanket and try to keep warm. Neither are comfortable options. And the homeless in hostels or staying with others or squatting, not really home, guests where the rules hurt and where Christmas isn't a real joy. And especially families with Children. I remember and never forget, that I have lived like this. God help them. Amen

I pray for anyone struggling for electricity or warmth this Christmas, God help them. Amen
I pray for everyone who has been supporting me this year as the Church and States of Jersey continue to destroy me unchecked. Especial blessings on the Lantern bearer who helped me to walk through the dark and back into the light. It isn't over yet. Amen

I pray for Bishop Dakin in the wake of his recent open homophobia that adds to his crimes against me, I pray that he both repents and realises that he is not a Christian leader and thus steps down. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone'. Amen
On that note I pray for the Archbishop in the same way, as his recent use of homelessness as a Church Press Stunt when he and his church left me homeless and destroyed is very distressing. God send the homeless to live in Lambeth Palace and see if the Archbishop is capable of genuinely caring, Amen.
 And also I pray for Jane Fisher in life after safeguarding, to destroy me as she did, mercilessly and permenantly, she can't be a very happy lady, so I pray that she feels happy one day. Amen
 I pray for a revolution so that the invincible power in the Church of England is challenged and exposed, and people ask why a 'Christian' organization is able to be a law unto themselves and deceive and mislead the public and abuse the vulnerable so badly.  In Jesus' Name, Amen

I pray for Bob and Ann Hill and family, I pray that Bob regains his voice. 
'she has no voice, I speak for her'.

I pray for my friends, especially those I will see tomorrow at Church and for Christmas Day, and on Monday. And I pray for my beloved adoptive parents who have been amazing and wonderful and there for me every step of the way, I wouldn't have made it without you. God bless you, amen.

I pray for my work colleagues and customers, especially those I am parting company with in the New Year, I pray that my decision turns out good, and that if I have a chance, I will rejoin them later. Amen

I pray for my therapist, God give him patience! :) I pray that we can continue productive and helpful work in the New Year. Amen

I pray for the lady who lost her job for feeding a hungry school pupil. I pray that her kindness is rewarded. Amen

God help and bless everyone. Amen


Christmas eve

Good morning,

Well yesterday I had quite a stress free shopping trip on behalf of my friend who is disabled, he decided that he couldn't face the crowds, and I don't blame him, the supermarket was very busy, but I had no trouble shopping, and the staff were handing out chocolates and directing traffic.

So my friend and I have decided on the 28th as our day together and Christmas dinner, which I am cooking.

After that I have mainly been watching films and also watching the sea. The sea remains lively and fun, with big waves and foam.

This morning I fell out of my nightmares and hurried off to do the papers, the galeforce winds buffeting Florence and making her grumble, and the wind also trying to take my papers and round sheets. Stoopid wind.
There were more people out and about in the villages, Christmas eve is a busy day.

I came home via a last minute supermarket shop and a bit of time on the seafront, all set to shower, breakfast and head out to the celebrations in town via the seafront, but unfortunately the clear sky rapidly clouded and the wind remains strong as the rain lashes down, so the celebrations are likely to be called off or delayed until this afternoon.

So, I can watch tv and relax, or go out for those last minute gifts. I really am nearly done, it is just that I want to make up two gift bags and I feel I haven't got enough things yet.

The flat is clean and tidy and full of food. I am still old school, I still think everything closes for weeks at Christmas, even though I know we have a shop open on Christmas day a few miles away and everything else will open on boxing day, and someone paid for a full tank of petrol for Florence for Christmas.

Anyway, it is now holiday time from paper deliveries, two days off, and then a week of much later than usual starts, I have the list of papers times pinned to the door.
But I don't get much time off from my other work over Christmas, not that I mind, extra pay and tips all helps me.

So, this evening I go to work as normal, those of you who pray, please pray for my safety, because the roads are so dangerous on Christmas eve night. I remember years ago, setting out from my friend's Christmas party on Christmas eve night, I don't drink, as you know, but she said to me as I left 'be careful driving tonight, there will be drunk drivers' and she was right, I was nearly hit by a drunk driver, but I was being very careful as she had said, because I hadn't really thought of it before.
Does that make sense?
 Anyway, so I will be working tonight, and will go straight from work to midnight mass or a midnight service somewhere in or close to my work district.
Then I will have a lie in tomorrow, and I will go to my foster-church for the morning service before going to my friend's house for a very lively Christmas lunch in a house packed with people :) what fun!
 Boxing day, I guess you can guess where I will be?! :) of course, there is nowhere better than five mile road for a bracing walk in the galeforce wind and getting blown out to sea!
 And I can sleep and watch movies on boxing day, and then I am working in the evening!

I forgot to say, there was a sign on one of my delivery houses this morning that read: 'Dear Santa, I have been very good at being naughty, does that count?'
I texted that to my Mum to make her laugh, we are still laughing about the spaniel dream, I asked her what she is naming her spaniel. It seems it is called Cheeky...or was that me?

I am watching The Bear, as is traditional, and have finally found a decent copy of 'It came upon a Midnight Clear'.

Wednesday, 23 December 2015

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday when I went to have a little snooze, I slept from 10am to 2pm, I was so tired!

After that I just sorted out the laundry I had collected and did this and that, and did a fish and rice meal.

Then it was time for work.
I had a frustrating evening at work, with the wind trying to steal anything it could as I worked.
And I ended up on the list for the New Years Party as well :) Harhar, I don't like parties.

I came home tired and slept.
I dreamed a lot, the flashbacks continue to roll, even when I sleep.

But one of the dreams was almost funny, in a sad way: I dreamed that my adoptive Mother got a spaniel puppy and said she didn't need me any more as a result. So I said that I would go back to live in Jersey full time in that case, and she replied that the police were going to deport me to Jersey anyway.
I woke up and it was 3.15am and I was very relieved to wake, I guess that dream would be funny if it wasn't so painful, but it distressed me for the rest of the night as I tried to sleep.. You know how things are magnified at night?
I am so going to text that dream to Mum this morning and make her laugh.

The wind howled fiercely against the house in the night, but it was quieter this morning.

Anyway, I did the papers this morning, and collected a dashboard of cards, tips and bills, I think most of my customers have now offered something. The sky was clear and starry in the dark, with a glow on the horizon against the sea and the hills.

Then I went to the shop to offer the sad news of my intention to quit. And it does feel sad. None of us want that but it may be what is best now.
The dark early mornings in the silent villages are nearly over, because after tomorrow, there are no early early mornings, it will be getting light by the time I go anywhere now, because I have two days off and then the mornings are later through into the new year. And then I will be doing this local round with no pressure to be there at 6.30 and get to the rural distributor for 6.50, this local round is 5 minutes away and can be done by bike. Just like the good old days :) The blue bike will be pleased.

I sat by the sea and watched the big fluffy waves roll to the wall, I had forgotten my gym clothes so I didn't go to the gym, I will go later as I have to start stepping up my exercise for the next level now.

The sun is shining on a cool but clear day, very nice.

I have a free day to panic over what I may have forgotten for Christmas. I will be going over to my disabled friend later to either write a shopping list with him or take him shopping. This is because he and I are having a day together during the Christmas week. We don't know what day yet as I am working most days and he prefers a day when I am not going to rush off to work in the afternoon.
He is quite isolated, he says he doesn't mind about Christmas, but it would be nice to have some company as his carers are away over Christmas and he employs privately rather than being provided for by the council through and agency.

I am sure it will all be fine. We will watch tv, talk a lot, maybe have a walk with the dogs, and eat things.

The sun is glowing over the houses but I think I will put Nativity3 on now, I have never seen that one.

And I must put the curtains up :) I hate that.

Well, tomorrow is the big Eve, and locally we have a fete and street party thing and of course I am going to be down there with my Santa Hat on, if the weather allows, because as yet it is looking like heavy rain and galeforce winds.

Tuesday, 22 December 2015

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I am feeling tired and busy and rushed.
I dunno why, as I have a free day until work this evening.

Wow, it is hard to focus and think of what to write.

I have been having flashbacks for days, which doesn't help.

Yesterday I was probably being too energetic. When I got home from the papers, I decided that now was the time to take the curtains down and get them to the laundry. The curtains have been increasingly growing brown dust on the top, which is not good for my lungs, so I climbed up and took them down and wiped the dust off the curtain rails.
These curtains were here when I got here and I can't afford new ones as they are long and wide due to the big bay window. They were dirty though so it was high time for a wash.
So I took the curtains and a load of other washing over to the laundry. They should be ready for collection this morning.

Then I went and posted a letter to HMRC by next day delivery, expensive but it should have been done before. OOPS! :) The post office wasn't very busy, neither was town. I did a bit of shopping.
So the day started busy.

I went on to start cleaning the flat, which gets in a state too easily.

Then I went to clean my friend's house. I was pleased to see that she has rallied a bit, and was trying to help me clean the house with some protest from me and her family :) she never changes! :)
But she did get tired and had to go to bed and rest.
 But she is undoubtedly going to be OK for Christmas, so that is good.
What I was doing yesterday was effectively preparing the house for Christmas day, with a bit of help from the family.
 And it does look nice now.

Anyway, after that, I came home, sorted myself out, and went to my health, diet and fitness club. My weight loss has been good. They were having a delicious healthy party but I decided not to stay.
I am not really in party mood this year. My work unxpectedly invited me to the works Christmas party, but they have split the party into two over Wednesday and Thursday, and I am working shift on Thursday and the Wednesday party is mainly from the other group so I don't know them and I definitely need to rest on my night off!
 Not that I am being a party pooper, but the events of the previous few months has left me very drained.

Anyway, so last night I came home to finish decorating and cleaning the flat, it all looks good now.
I watched Hollyoaks and also Nativity2 again!

I was so tired I was asleep as soon as I lay down, and I am still very tired.
This morning I crawled out of bed to do the papers.
For the third day in a row, the car dashboard of the car looked like an office desk, with piles of customer bill payments, cards and tips.
Customers can pay bills by direct debit, cash or cheque, and they often leave the bills out for me in the quiet village and farm dark, tucked into letterboxes and porches, in plastic bags and weighed down.
But this morning a lot of people were up early to greet me, as the howling gale made leaving anything outside risky.

The gale is still howling, so I am going to go down to the sea, and then collect my laundry, then I may sleep for a few hours, or just doze and watch Raymond Briggs 'Father Christmas' which is my DVD of the day. Later I will swap for Nativity 3, which I haven't actually seen before.

The weather is grey, cold with galeforce winds. The sea has been lovely, wintry and stormy recently, not boring, like it was for months.

I just went to the cafe and used some of my tips on a nice breakfast. Those of you who think I live on fish and rice these days! :)

I really need to look through the Christmas Radio Times and see what I am watching! I can barely focus.

Two more mornings to go, and then it is lie-in week, two mornings off from the papers, and then a week of late mornings. Cool!
Well I will be working over Christmas and probably doing some lates, so it is a good thing.

Sunday, 20 December 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening peeps.

Why is it that on Sunday when I get to have a lie in, I find that is the hardest day to get up?

I am having rolling flashbacks at the moment, mainly Jane Fisher and police and things, not good, it makes me fearful and distracted.

Anyway, this morning I headed out into the heavy rain showers and did my papers, I got another christmas card and tip from a customer :)
 Then I headed back to the shop with a pile of bill payments from customers.
 And I stopped on the seafront, where a load of surfers were busy falling over in the sea.

At home I had time for a shower and some breakfast before heading for my foster-church.
We had a pleasant service and then I had to hurry to get to lunch with my mates.

We had a full Christmas meal, there is very little unhealthy about a roast dinner, did you know that? And turkey is very good for you.
So I enjoyed my meal, I think stuffing and gravy are the only things that push the boundaries. And the pudding, most of my mates had brandy butter or cream with their christmas pudding and mince pie. I just had a small bit of christmas pudding and custard. I don't mind :) To be honest it was the biggest meal I have had in some time, and it made me feel very full and sleepy. It was nice to have turkey, like I said, I am not strict vegetarian, I am vegeterian most of the time in order to help  my health. And turkey is a superfood, very good for you and no fat.

We pulled Christmas crackers but to be honest I don't think they were very good, I think the restaurant let us down a little bit, but nonetheless, it was a good meal at a good price, and as you may have noticed, I am not doing an awful lot of celebration this year, so it was nice to have that meal. But most of the time I am still focussed on overhauling my life and home.

Anyway, on the way home, I took Florence through the car wash, I think it was a culture shock to us both, I have never taken a car through a car wash before, but Florence was so muddy from the rural newsrounds and I simply couldn't clean her, I needed to rest when I got home.
Florence says car washes tickle and cars shouldn't have showers, but she looks good.

So then I came home, and put candy canes on the tree, and have been lying in bed watching 'Nativity!' The original.
The problem with the rather messy sequels to Nativity is that someone like me tends to see the child protection issues rather than being able to believe in the film. I would say they need a lecture from Jane Fisher but...
Oh, I was told not to do that.

Anyway. I am about to put my uniform on and go to work. I hope it is a short shift. Then I get tomorrow night off to go to health and fitness.

Oh, I kind of got my phone working again, so now I have two, I need to see the phone shop and get everything transferred to micro sim and onto the smartphone. And I have got the landline fixed! What a disasterous week with both my normal phones out of order.

Anyway, Florence and I had better tell you something. We are now extremely likely to quit the rural routes when the new year begins, not because we want to, but because Florence is old and I sometimes don't finish work until late night, so I have been offered news rounds by the shop near my home, and I won't have to get up so early or be under pressure to get to the rural distributor by 6.50am and ther will be less  wear and tear to Florence, and I may well do the local round/s by bike.
It is a loss really though, because I like and am used to the other shop and the people and routes and sometimes I think the pressure first thing staves off the flashbacks and depression that plague me in the early morning.

I will look back with happy memories and maybe slight regret, but when I started at the shop, I was living five minutes away and biking round town with the papers as I will be doing again.

Sometimes it is best to change even if we don't want to.

Anyway, I must go to work now!

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Saturday night

Good evening,

Yes, I finally collected the tree. And did a major shopping session at the big supermarket, because as well as having no Christmas goodies, I had pretty much no food left and most household stuff was running low. I had no teabags left! :)

Anyway, When I had got the shopping home and unpacked it, the tree was easy to sort out and decorate, and it looks nice, it has quality street chocolates hidden among the branches.
Then the Christmas food and gifts are arranged on the surface beside the tree.

Then I went to the gym, overdid some of my workout maybe.
So I came home and lay on the bed watching 'Mary Poppins' and also reading a book, I multi-task even when I am resting.

Then I showered and got dressed in my uniform and went to work.

Work was a short and easy shift, surprising considering that it is Saturday night.
I stopped at the petrol station on the way home, got petrol and also checked and inflated the car tyres, she got off lightly hitting that nasty pot hole two days in a row, I expected her to at least get a flat tyre each time, but she came to no harm and they do seem to have filled it in.
I also hoovered and fragranced the car. so now she just needs oil, water and a wash tomorrow. The wash depends on time as it is a busy day.

Anyway, home, and tired. The news came that Greville Janner has died.
Those of you who don't know, the Beck and Janner war had a profound affect on my life when I was young. And what has come out in the press is stuff I know from my childhood.
It isn't a celebration or a joyful thing that he is dead, because I don't think that way, and his alleged victims have not had justice, and it was denied to them for decades by corruption.

I do not like the term 'alleged' because I still see it as a denial.

I am tired. My eyes are a lot better, and I will have a nice long sleep soon, because tomorrow is late papers day.

Tomorrow I hope to go to my foster church in the morning, then I will dash to meet my mates for a Christmas lunch, then I may have an hour or so to do the many things that need doing.
Then I may or may not have time to see everyone at the welfare drop-in if it is open for a Christmas meal, and then I will be working.

At least I get monday night off to join my friends at the health and fitness group!

Who is that in Jersey reading my blogs so avidly? You aren't a regular reader and you are doing a lot of reading and scaring me Sh*tless.


Good morning peeps,

Well I have a lot of catching up to do on the blog.

Yesterday was a busy day, after I had done the papers I headed off to have my pre-Christmas visit to friends and drop off cards. I was very happy that I got several cards and tips from the paper rounds yesterday, it all helps.

I forgot to wear walking boots, which I should if I am really away from home, but I survived OK in shoes.
I met my Mum, she came to meet me at the Station and gave me my Christmas gifts, I made her laugh by telling her I was so tired that I wanted to lie down on the floor and have a snooze right there in the station, but she is well used to nortyness so she doesn't take any notice.

We had lunch and she wanted to take me shopping but we were both short of time, thankfully their health crisis problems have eased so they will have a better Christmas, but Mum seems quite worried for me with the situation with my friend dying and Christmas approaching. Well, there is nothing we can do about this sad situation, we will all just make the best of it.

Mum was also worried about my wages not coming through, well so was I but last night my employers subbed me most of the money in cash, because it is their payroll and clerk who are at fault.

Anyway, it was nice to finally be able to have the pre-Christmas meetups, however brief. Lovely to see everyone, God bless.

So, I had to head home, to collect my laundry, traffic meant it was too late to collect the tree, so that will be today, it is the 19th! And my tree still isn't here!

When I got home I did a fish and rice meal, delicious and filling, and then despite having told my employers that I wouldn't come to work until I got my wages, I scrambled into uniform and went to work. I am glad I did, I had a lovely evening.

My bosses do not handle the wages, the payroll clerk does, and she is elusive and had made numerous errors that stopped my pay, that haven't been resolved, so the bosses subbed me most of my wages in cash. Hallelujah!

Then as I headed out with a pile of delivery bags, a group of carol singers were warbling tunefully in the road and I have missed out on carol singing due to work, so I stopped for a minute andd sang with them with my arms full of delivery bags, they made me most welcome, but my delivery work is on time limits so I couldn't stop long, but that was fun.

And a few deliveries later, I rang a doorbell to drop a delivery off, and the lady who came to the door was followed by a little girl with a kitten in her arms, I asked if I could stroke the kitten and they were very happy, they went and got their other kitten and their cat, the mother of the kits, apparentlyshe had got out and thus produced a litter, and they had just rehomed the rest and were keeping two, but they said the mother had got out again, so they said I can have a kitten if there is another litter :) That was nice.

And on it went. I picked up my delivery cards and did a double take at the instructions, but the drivers and managers were all busy, so off I went, and duly followed the instructions :)
The card read 'knock on the door to the tune of the Eastenders theme' .
I duly did as instucted, and howls of laughter erupted from behind the door.
The door open and a load of people burst out, all laughing hysterically, so I was too.
Apparently I am a 'legend'.
The Christmas spirit is alive and kicking. Or maybe there was a different kind of spirit being consumed there!
I will cherish that.

And it was mad at work as well, all banter and  giggles.

And I didn't have to work late either. So that was OK.

I have been having nightmares again recently but I am also sleeping reasonably well.

I woke this morning, crawled out of bed feeling tired, and got to the shop about five minutes later than my usual 6.30, but it doesn't matter so much at the weekend.

Unfortunately for me, the boss had sent a text to my mobile that doesn't work, instead of the temporary mobile, so I hadn't got the message, the shop have my temporary mobile number, but he forgot. So the papers were late and I could have stayed in bed a bit longer.
So, I went down to the sea and watched the long low waves roll to the sea wall in the dark while they sorted my rounds out.
Then I went and did the papers.
So many more people out and about later and with people going away for Christmas, I am used to utter solitude out in the villages.

Anyway, the sea was roaring loud enough to be heard in the village as the red sunrise lit the broken cloud, so I headed back via the sea, the sea was now doing perfect fluffy artist-canvas waves against the now orange sunrise.
Then I stopped at the shop to drop off a bill payment, and the boss was about to go and do a round because someone is away, so I did half that round for him, it is my old round, but it has changed a lot because our shop took on the rounds from another shop. I didn't know that as the rural routes haven't been affected by that, only the town routes. I am glad I do the rural routes, Florence hates the stop-start of the town routes, I think that's why she blew her head gasket before.

So now I am home, I am going to shower and then go and start the shopping!!! At last!

I am on medicated eye drops as my right eye was really bad, it burst a blister of pus but still didn't clear and was just running with infection, so the eye drops are really good and it is beginning to clear. It is funny because my latest DVD of the day is 'Angela's Ashes' and there is that bit where Frank has really bad conjunctivitis and he has to go to the hospital and have eye drops and he shrieks when the eye drops are done. My eye drops sting bad too :(

I am just waiting for one more university result, so far despite two months of disruption due to the States and deanery of Jersey, I have got 73 and ?60 as my grades, I will check and correct the second mark later as I can't remember.
 Happy Christmas, term is over! And my Mum is very pleased with my results.


Thursday, 17 December 2015


Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I woke up with a headache, so I started the day with a painkiller breakfast :)

Yesterday was a quiet day, I sat here a lot and watched movies.

I went out once after doing the papers, to get petrol and food and things. The sea was beautiful so I sat and looked at it.

I didn't realise I owned so much junk until I turned the cupboard out, looking for a phone battery.

I couldn't find the spare battery for my phone so I am using the other phone, which is a good smartphone but it won't accept my sim so I have a phone, I have credit, but no one can ge through to me as I am on a different sim.

I continued to be worried about the blog stats, especially as those soul-destroyers in Guernsey were also perusing my blog, and they rarely do that.

This morning I was up bright and early as I am not familiar with the alarms on the phone I was using so I woke to tuneful noises coming from the other side of the room.
And as I was wide awake, I showered, had breakfast, made the bed, and did various things that usually wait until I have done the papers.

After the papers I sat watching the sunrise and the sea, and then I went to the gym for a hearty workout. I am still in gym clothes, oops.

The weather is mild but windy, and the propaganda machine says we have sahara dust, which is a bit like volcanic ash from Iceland. If it's there it has been put there for a reason, right? I am way too cynical for a 12 year old, aren't I?

This morning I got another nice Christmas card and tip from a customer, which is ideal as my electric meter was rumbling hungrily in the cupboard and if I didn't feed it today then it would be all candle light and fingerless gloves here :) None of my expected money is in yet, so it may be another day of frugality before food and essentials can be got, let alone Christmas stuff.

I dunno if it is the saharan dust, but I have eye infections like I used to get when I was homeless.
I also have all the aches that mean I need new pillows yet again, they only last a few months before they stop supporting my messed up head and neck.

My tasks today are simple, I have to sort all the junk out, ruthlessly get rid of a lot of it and neatly box the rest and label the boxes. And I have to take a laundry load over the road.

I like the feeling of holiday. I have no work until tomorrow night and I had my final tutorial of term yesterday, so if the two assignments get a pass grade, then term is over for me.

Tuesday, 15 December 2015

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well I continue to be concerned by the blog stats, I dunno what those evil little creeps in the Diocese of Winchester have done or are doing to hurt me but I am too tired really, I can't fight for my life when they have made up their minds to destroy me.

I just have to live as normal for as long as I can.

This morning I woke up nice and relaxed and not too tired, so I went and did the papers.
I didn't stop at the gym on the way home for various reasons, good excuses too :)

I came home, it was still dark, so I had a look at the assignments, and then went for my haircut.
I don't enjoy haircuts, or dentists, or church services, I endure these things, they are not ideal for nortypeople.
But it was OK, my hair looks OK, neater, but I didn't have it cut short, it is growing naturally and actually it is quite nice like this. I'm a girl, I never knew that before.

I came home and am working on my assignments, and watching 'Self/less' again, but I have also got my Jacqui Lawson Advent Calender sorted out, at last! :) Christmas would not be the same without that!

Wow, I must concentrate on my assignments if I want to get them done before work! I Would like a few days free from study and work after tonight.

Last night it was cold, I slept with my thermal vest on, this morning it was warm again and raining, then it started to get cold again, and the rain turned to a flurry of snow as I did the papers, but returned to rain and deep foggy clouds tumbling down the hill to the sea.
 And it is cold now.

My wages didn't come through due to an error, so I am still waiting to collect the Christmas tree.

Monday, 14 December 2015


Good evening peeps,

Well I really don't like the increased stats on the blog searching for Fisher and Dakin, whatever they are doing to hurt me, it is at the wrong time with Christmas approaching and my friend approaching the end of her life at the same time.
The blog is usually quiet over the weekend, and when it stats high, I assume the Church Rag paper are attacking me or the diocese or deanery have forgotten what Christianity is again, as if they ever remembered.

Anyway, back to my diary.
This morning I struggled to wake, due to my phone being out of order so no alarms from the phone.
I tried to set the clock radio but it decided to make a racket in the middle of the night, so I unplugged it.

I did the papers, and was surprised and delighted to get Christmas cards and tips from customers.
Then I went to the gym on the way home.

Then I came home and was mainly working on assignments.
Nearly done.
I hope to be done by tomorrow evening's shift, then after the shift I will have no work and no uni work for a few days, apart from the final tutorial, so I would like a pre-Christmas visit to old friends.

Anyway, so in the afternoon my landlady called round briefly.
Then I went and did the cleaning for my friend. She continues to deteriorate and she is very frustrated by it.

I did a few hours of cleaning, and then one of the family who I hadn't met before, stopped to talk to me, it was as if he had read my thoughts and my turmoil about Christmas and how ill my friend is.
He said the best thing I could do was do as my friend wishes and be there for Christmas if she is there...and if she isn't, then they wont be having Christmas anyway.
Pretty much what I had thought, but the rest of the family are always rushing around so they have never thought to stop and talk things through with me. You see I remember Anne inviting me for Christmas when she was battling cancer and I remember the nasty snidey things that were said about me by certain people for accepting, so I felt unsure about Christmas, but I want my friend to have what she wants, and she wants me to be there, she is so ill she can hardly stand and yet she still wants to look after me. It makes me sad.
It is shocking to think that even in two weeks, she may be gone, either in hospital, although I am sure she would rather be at home and just drift peacefully away, or she may simply do just that.
In my mind though, she isn't gone yet, and I have a feeling she may have another month, or even two.
She isn't at the sleeping all the time stage, but she says she feels so weak and it frustrates her, her memory isn't as clear as it used to be, and she looks so tired.
It has been a sudden and very swift illness and no-one saw it coming, whereas Anne lived five years from diagnosis but was estranged from me by Jane Fisher's vicious slander and cover-up when she died.
Unfortunately my friend's illness now keeps causing flashbacks to that and I kind of almost expect the diocese to come back in and estrange us.
But she firmly told me what time to be there on Christmas day :)
I will attend the midnight service on Christmas eve after work, as I will probably work until 11pm that night, and  then I will attend the morning service on Christmas day wiv me pals, and then I will go to my friends.
After that, I may actually rest and watch television? :)

Anyway, I got to work early this evening and helped with boxes and work was slow, I only did a short shift, and am home pretending to work on my assignments before bed.

I nearly have a first draft for the bigger assignment and I do have a first draft for the smaller one.
Tomorrow I have papers, gym and haircut first thing, then I have the day to finish my assignments, work starts later in the evening and then I am off work for a few days.

The weather is rain but very little wind for once.

Sunday, 13 December 2015


Good evening peeps,

I have just got in from work, and I can't believe it is only 9pm! I have been out in the cold and dark for so long that it feels much later.

Well, today went OK, with Florence running normally, we went to do the papers at about 7.30 and finished not long after 8, the Sunday rounds are very easy. But it was funny that I shot out of bed at 6am thinking I was going to be late, and remembered it was Sunday!
I will be updating you on possible changes to this early morning life soon.

There is less pressure on weekends because Sunday is a late start and the rural distributor doesn't need her paper bundle early.

After the papers, I looked at the sea, then came home and had my breakfast and shower, got dressed and went to church.
Yes, I went to church.
I miss the church this time of year even though church traumatises me, I miss the Christmas excitement and the carols and the decorations. So I went.
I was warmly welcomed and hugged and things. I enjoyed the service and we sang a song that I had forgotten this year, I have carols and christmas songs on in the car and at home but I forgot this:

Then I came home, I could have stayed in town for the outdoor carol concerts, but I had so much to do here, the landlady is coming round tomorrow and the flat was a tip.
So I roasted fish and potatos for lunch with garlic and herbs. And did a major tidy up and clean of the flat while watching various stuff on television.

Then eventually I changed into uniform and went to work.

Shift went well, well apart from one catastrophe. I went to a delivery, got lost, got my phone out to phone the customer, dropped my phone, the battery was lost in the pitch dark and my only torch was the now not working one on the phone!
I had to get help with the delivery and I never found the phone battery, I think I have a spare and I have to find it tonight as I rely on the phone to wake me in the morning.
I love driving with the Christmas songs on and seeing the very best of people's Christmas lights and house decorations, I still love Christmas although it doesn't look to be a very cheerful one this year with my friend losing life and other people who matter to me having health problems.

I broke my vegeterian diet this evening with grilled chicken salad :) The diet isn't strict, it is simply to help me, and it is working, I have lost a stone.

Oh, I have been having horrific flashbacks about Jane Fisher and her associated nasties all day, indeed, in the last few days, it's like a little video stream, when this happens I fear that she and her nasty church are doing or have done something that will hurt me. It is possible that going to church is intensifying the flashbacks.

Tomorrow I will work on my assignments in the morning and will work in the afternoon and evening. Hopefully I will have some wages through so I will be able to collect the tree on Tuesday.