This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Hi peeps,
well yesterday afternoon, someone did fill my flask and thermal cup, but they forgot to put any milk in the thermal cup so it was black coffee so I saved it for when I got caffiene withdrawal in the evening.
I was in and out of sleep in my corner, not well, sunburn made me ill.

Did I tell you about the swarm? I am sure they were bees not wasps, and they went past me, very close, and I kept still and they were gone.

It wasn't a good night, I had supper from the food given me earlier and tried to sleep, but I was hot, cold, tense, sick, rained on, disturbed by other homeless and nearby truck drivers, but in the last few hours of the night I slept lightly as the rain fell on me and only wet my top blanket.

I got up and it was wet and drizzly but the swellings from sunburn were slightly better.
I got some food from my stash, pineapple rings and shortbread, and that was breakfast.

I went to the post office and withdrew my last 30pence, which is always a good joke, and I had 20pence already, so I went to the coffee morning and got a mug of tea for 50p, my Scottish friend was there and she sat with me and got me more tea and biscuits and sausage rolls.

Then I litterpicked the churchyard and said hello to the churchman who was weeding the edge of the car park.

I got a number of messages of offers of help from friends who got an SOS message from me yesterday, and I waited in the library until a friend came and brought me back to her house and we had a good meal and I am just relaxing here for a few days.

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

Hi peeps,

yesterday evening I quietly did some gardening in the church garden, seeing as they have got me a small toolkit now.
Then I read my book and slept.

I woke up this morning knowing that the infected sunburn was really bad, excruciating, so I strip-washed with cold water and soap and put mosturising cream on it as that is all I have, i had no way of getting breakfast and not enough for a cuppa at McD's, so I sat and washed and read my book and then went to the library.
went back to church later and some one had got me a food parcel and they did me a few hot drinks.

As I sat with my book, a swarm of bees? passed by, I am sure they were bees not wasps, they were so close but thankfully they had a purpose, and it was not sitting on me and stinging me.
So they carried on their way.

I washed my sunburn with TCP, which I thought would be painful but was ok.
I am on maximum painkillers all the time at the moment, but I will run out eventually, my skin is all blistered and I feel rubbish.

Someone is filling my flask and thermal cup shortly, so that will have to last all day.

Thursday, 18 July 2013

Hello peeps,

well yesterday I got very sick, I couldn't get anything to eat in the morning and I was so depressed that I didn't even see any point in putting water in my mouth.
I kind of sat here until 2pm and then I knew that I would end up in hospital if I didn't do something, I felt numb though, so there didn't seem any point point in eating or drinking.

But I went on autopilot, as I do, I found the emergency spare change and it came to something near a pound.
I went to the supermarket and got a reduced small pie and a pint of milk.

I went to the store-hedge and fished out any cooking materials I could find, a very dirty saucepan that I cleaned as best i could, a pack of fuel tablets and a stove, lighters, a can of sausage and beans, a tin opener, and there it all was.
I got my flask and cup from where the lady tells me to keep them.

I lit the stove and made tea and drank some milk while it was brewing, and ate the pie.
then I cooked the sausage and beans and ate that and brewed strong coffee and put it in the flask.

I made more tea and started feeling better.

I hadn't washed, so when i had finished brewing tea, I went and washed myself thoroughly under the tap, I even took my teeshirt off and washed thoroughly because I wasn't able to do this before.
Then I set my blanket down and rested and read my book until the end of the day.
In the evening I used the last of the fuel to brew more tea and also a horrible tin of spaghetti in sauce, and I drank the flask of coffee, and then that was it, I listened to my music and read my book until it got dark and I lay down in my blanket and slept.
It was peaceful, and if only I was safe from the church of england I would be happy, I would forget the computer and the oppression and would live peacefully.

I woke sleepily this morning, the phone was dead because the battery was flat, but I marked time as I do, and got up at exactly the usual time.
My money was in and I got a pot of tea and some juice, i wasn't hungry, I never am on the day the money comes in after a thin time, I never want anything.
Eventually I had my breakfast and went and got essentials from the shops - hayfever tabs, painkillers, antacids, black sacks, mouthwash etc.

Right peeps,
the blog has lost it's original use and the peeps who used to read it and the purpose of the blog is gone, and I am one my way for one last great journey, so this is the last post for now.
I will keep a diary, but I may not publish on here every day now.

Wednesday, 17 July 2013

Beginning of the end.
There is no point in putting in the blog that I am waiting to die, you have known that since I started the blogs two years ago.
The question is, will it be a church police attack or just that I am at the end and waiting to go, and god has to honour that eventually.

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

Hi peeps,

Well yesterday the great grim church decided to jeer that they were going ahead with the biased investigation, and they did so through one of the lawyers that they used to destroy me.

Yesterday was not a good day, and I got sick with the heat and was very unwell.
I wish this was over and I was in my grave, I really do.

I read my book last night and tried to tuck down but I was too sick to sleep, I slept eventually and woke a few times in the night, then I woke up early from a horrible nightmare about the police grabbing me from my church in front of all my friends.

I got up and went through the motions, I felt very ill and tired.

Monday, 15 July 2013

Hey peeps,
Well on Saturday evening I was supposed to go round to my friend's house for a bath and a meal, but her partner was back unexpectedly and he is not very safe, so I didn't.
Instead I went litterpicking in the churchyard and found out that a church door had been left undone, just slightly so it wasn't immediately noticable, but I know that the drunk homeless people go round there with their cans and they have tried to get in there before.
So I phoned the Vicar but she didn't answer and I left a message on her voicemail, but I knew she might be working or on the beach until late, so I went back to my church to ask their advice.

They were just packing up from the party and they thought I might need tea and cake, which I did, of course, but they also phoned another person from the other church and we told the person which door was open.

Then I went to sit and read my book until bed time, and then I got a text from the vicar saying thank you and she sorted the door out.
So I went to sleep.

I slept reasonably well and woke early, which is useless on a Sunday with nowhere to go, so I went to the church bench and sat there and read my book, and church people arrived because it was a special service and they had to set up and arrange breakfast, I went off to have my breakfast and a wash, and I would have gone to the coffee shop but as I went back past church, I heard sounds of a gazebo being set up, so I nosily wandered in and found the poor old priest doing a gazebo singlehanded while everyone else was busy indoors, so I helped him, I told him that I used to do a lot of gazebos in my last life.

And then we went in church and I drank lots of tea, but it was much earlier than the usual church time, and the man cooking breakfast gave me a number of bacon rolls, so I ate a load for breakfast and saved the rest for lunch.

The service was good, I sat outside as usual and they left the doors open so I could enjoy the whole thing and they could keep cool too.

Then there was more tea and a good chat with everyone, then I was 'guarding the gazebo' while everyone went home for lunch.
I washed some clothes under the tap and left them to dry in the sun, and then I washed myself under the tap and the priest averted his eyes in case I had taken any clothes off, but I hadn't.
Someone had filled a flask and thermal mug that they had got for me with tea, so I lay on my blanket in the gazebo and read my book while my clothes dried.

Apart from a bit of hassle from some drunken oiks, I had a peaceful afternoon in my gazebo, the wind gusted and threatened to blow it away, and for a while thunderclouds brewed, but they cleared and we had no storm.

At about 4pm everyone started coming back, and I was as excited and norty as a kid at a party, but that is because it is years since my life included nice things like parties and BBQs, so I hassled the guys doing the BBQ and they nearly BBQ's Mark the Shark, my toy shark.
It was all fun and laughter and we all had a cuppa and I read my book some more, and then everyone who had been playing games in the park arrived, and the party started.
We had a lovely time, lots of talk, silly games, lots of delicious food and cold drinks and ice cream and desserts, I loved it.

Then at the end they packed the leftovers into parcels, and I took one parcel for my breakfast today, and they put the rest in the fridge for me to use during the week.

Then everyone went home and there I was all on my own as usual but it felt lonelier.

Then when the priest came back, I helped him put the BBQ and gas bottle on the trailer and then he went and I read my book until it was time to head for bed.
I lay down just under my top blanket, but was too warm, so different from this time last year.

I slept and woke at 2.20am, too hot and bursting for the loo.
So I used the loo and took my lightweight top off and slept again with just my teeshirt and was still warm, I don't think it dropped below 20 degrees last night. And yesterday and Saturday were scorching hot.

I woke feeling tired this morning and dozed.
Then I wandered out of my blankets and down to the toilets for a wash, and then came here.

Saturday, 13 July 2013

I went to have a cuppa and some lunch wiv all me pals,
we had a good lunch, there weren't many there but the weather is so good that probably everyone is down at the beach.

After lunch I went to borrow the church garden tap to have a wash, I was surprised that there were people at church but they were setting up for a special party for one of the church people.
The caretaker wanted me to come in and sit in the cool church and rest but I felt like I shouldn't but I told him I wanted to wash myself under the tap, so he got the hose and plugged it to the tap so I could shower myself under the hose, fully clothed of course but in teeshirt with my jeans rolled up, so I had fun playing with water and then I sat in the sun and read my book and dried out.
Good morning peeps,

Last night I went in church and made lots of tea in the kitchen while the choir were practicing.
Then when it was locking up time, the old priest stopped for a cheerful natter.
Then I read my book and then I tucked down to sleep.

It was another night of patchy sleep and nightmares.

I woke in the early morning, too warm even though last night was due to be cooler and I was only lightly covered.

I am sleepy and a bit low, tired I guess.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Hi peeps,

well I made my way to the town where the clinic is.

I had time so I had a careful wade in the sea, the rocks were sharp and the swell was strong, but I enjoyed the paddle, then I went to the clinic, we talked through the final psychological report and he decided to re-phrase a few things so they made sense, and then the report was printed and emailed.
All done.

After the psych session I caught the train back, and was lucky enough to get a seat on both journeys.

I am here, all hot and sunburned but doing remarkably well with the heat and sun that usually make me so ill, I think my rigid anti-histamine and asperin routine is helping.

Morning peeps,
I don't know about good.

Well, yesterday I was tired and glad to finish dozing in the library.
So I went to the church and they let me in the kitchen and unlocked a room for me so I could rest and read in peace.
I lay down on the chairs by the window and fell asleep.

I dreamed that my friend was walking up to the church and in my dream I tried to get up to say hello to her but I fell back down and she wasn't there.
My heart, not just in my dream, did one of the worst episodes of racing that it has ever done, it was frightening, I thought it would burst, I thought something must burst.
Then I heard people outside and it was my caretaker friends doing some gardening, so I got up to see them, I was dizzy and my legs were heavy but I was ok.

When they left, I stayed in church and drank tea and read my books. Then it was bed time and I had another heart-racing episode before falling into deep sleep.
I woke once in the night with nightmares and once because I somehow was talking about Kate having her baby today. Haha.
I woke in the morning, comfortable but depressed.

I got up and came here.

Today I am supposed to go and see my psychologist but I wish I didn't have to, I don't feel like travelling.

Thursday, 11 July 2013

Hi peeps,
not having a good day here.

Well, being woken at 3am by some idiot didn't help. Thankfully that idiot was accountable for being antisocial and drunk on duty and I made a complaint.

But then I had to deal with the usual rubbish to do with the wretched church of england. For God's sake British people, rise up  and denounce this church full of old, rich and deluded people and make Britian a better place! Stand up and say, this organization is neither wanted nor needed and it is time for it to go!

anyway, I have struggled today due to the trauma of going back to the star city yesterday and not having had enough sleep last night, it is hard enough with one problem, I don't need any extra stress.

I went to have a coffee at the coffee morning earlier but the Scottish lady didn't sit with me, I wonder if the church of england have started sticking their oar in here, I wouldn't put it past them.

I washed myself under the tap, soap, shampoo, lots of cold water in the hot hot sun.

And here I am, dozing miserably in the library.
I can no longer really remember what it is like to not have the hands of the church of england wrapped round my throat and squeezing, it is becoming more desparate and more hopeless.
13 years of pure hell from one diocese.
I am not even a member of the great grim church any more, I am a member of a better church, and still the great grim church are making me suffer horribly, and will be until they or I kill me.
Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday went peacefully enough.
I met up with the person I went to meet and we had a refreshing and helpful conversation.
You know what? It is always good to hear a different view and also to spend time with someone friendly and kind who has been a wonderful and helpful part of my life.

When we parted company and I stayed in my old home city a while.
I sat on the church steps where I used to sit before I was driven out by Diocesan slander.
I walked down to where I used to walk as a teenager, beside the deep, swift and wide river, with the trout laughing at the current in the clear water.
I sat for a long time and remembered being a teenager again.

In the end I dragged myself back to the station and set off for 'home'.
It was late when I got home and I bedded down tired.
I woke in the early hours, having a nightmare and was kept awake the rest of the night by anti-social behaviour and noise nearby.

So I am tired and cranky.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

Hey peeps,
Here I am in the city with the star above it.
I am hot and I am nervous.
The joyful memories of my home city are a shadow, hidden behind the clearer memories of the shame and horror of the way the Diocese maligned me and drove me out.

So funny to be sitting here.

Good morning you peeps,

Yesterday I stayed in the library and then went and had a good old wash under the garden tap, I washed my hair and everything.

Then I sat and read my book, and when churchpeople came to have a meeting at church, I wandered in and had cuppas and sat quietly.

The meeting went on until late and so I sat and read my book.
When the church closed, the old priest was cheerfully chatting to me, and then I went for my walk, I neglect my walks these days, but my little radio is nearly dead, the wear and tear has worn it out.

I went and bedded down and used most of the bedding as pillow, slept soundly and woke feeling comfy this morning.
I got up and stashed and came here.

I am due to go to the city with the star above it today, to meet up with an old friend.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Hi peeps,
Physio was ok, I had a nice walk up and the physio was painful but not deathly, the physio is pleased that I am regaining mobility in my neck.
He told me again about how the ligaments in my leg work and how the damage causes the ligaments to seize up.
He says he has only heard good things about the hydrotherapy pool and he advised me what exercises to do in the pool.

I had a nice walk back and stopped for breakfast on the way as I hadn't had any and I was hungry.

I am going to see all me pals soon.
Good morning peeps,

Yesterday I went and had a nice wash under the tap in the afternoon.
Then I just stayed on my computer until the library closed and then I went and read a book in the corner, it was difficult to get supper last night as everywhere was so busy.

I slept with just my sleeping bag and top blanket and used the other blankets as a pillow, highly comfy.
I had nightmares and terrors in the night and woke with distresses but feeling comfy.

I packed and stashed and had a wash and change as I have physio at 8.30, and after physio I will go and see all me pals.

Monday, 8 July 2013

Monday 1200 midday

Hi peeps,

when I had had my pot of tea I went and had a good old wash and then set down to read my book in the shade, I had to keep moving as the shade moved but several old ladies with cups of tea for me appeared at intervals, how handy.

Then off I wandered down the hill, to see some other friends, my Scottish friend was there and she explained that the reason last night was riotous with drunk people was that some obscure guy called Andy Murray won some unknown small-town tennis contest somewhere.

Anyway, my other friend who used to work with the homeless was also there and we ended up sitting and nattering for ages, she is now in on the bike hunt for me, my church are also hunting for a bike for me.
This is so that I can get to hydrotherapy once a week, and the bike rides will also do me good, riding a bike does not hurt my bad leg, it does make my left hip a tad grumpy but that can be helped by the hydro.
Here's to rehabilitation!

Anyway, a long natter later, I went and litterpicked the churchyard and then dithered over buying stuff for lunch and got some soft drinks instead.
And here I am, it is 28 degrees outside.

Monday 8am

Good morning peeps,

I had a lovely Sunday.

When I had finished my pot of tea I went to church and was made very welcome and everyone was lovely and they got me a cuppa.
I sat outside the main church and listened from there.

After church I had a mug of coffee and chatted to a few people.

Then by the time church closed it was lunch time so I wandered to subaway and got a meat and salad sub and a cold drink.

Then I went back and set up camp in the churchyard, with my blanket, book and plenty of cold drinks.

I read my book and dozed off, woke myself up by snoring lightly :) It was such a hot day but I was quite comfortable and happy. There were no ill-effects of my work on Saturday, I was aching slightly, but, after all this time, I know how to control the pain and sickness better :) so I was ok!

I read my book happily, and then I had a nice cold wash under the tap that I have permission to use, I washed my hair and face and neck and arms and legs and feet and it was lovely and cold water and I drank a load of cold water, and then I did other useful things like cutting and scrubbing my nails and moisturising and shaving my legs and things, seeing as I had rolled my jeans up into shorts.
It is shorts and teeshirt even for me now.

And then I sat and read my book some more, and along came church people for a meeting.
After their meeting there was a service in church, so I wandered in and enjoyed that.
Then they made me a cuppa.

Then off I went back to my book.

I read until it was dark and then I went to my blanket pile.
It was so warm overnight I didn't need any extra layers or my hat or scarf.

It was an unsettled night, full of nightmares and crowds of loud drunk people not far away, I don't know why, on a Sunday night.
But in the end I was only lying under my top blanket and was warm and relaxed and woke peacefully in the sunny early morning and dutifully did physio exercises on my leg before standing on it,. I usually forget.

I got up, did the usual and came here.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

The London Weekend

Well Friday was a long day with a lot of travelling.

I made the long journey to the psychology clinic, got to the town with an hour or so to spare, went to the library to print off some letters and found that I had received an email from the psychology clinic, it read: - please find attached a draft copy of your psychological report, please could you read through it before your session and consider any amendments.
Haha, with an hour to go and 9 pages of letters to print, was I going to read it through and comment on it?
Well, yes, because I worked fast.
Letters were printed, and the report was read.
Then I went and had my cuppa tea and went to see the psychologist.

We ended up spending the whole session discussing the draft report.
The draft was fine in some ways, it was not in any way distressing, but the psychologist had slightly confused his notes and omitted something and I knew that the investigators had said that they would be looking for inconsistencies so I knew that even an innocent mistake could cause a question mark, if they ever even see this report.
The mistake was not in the section that summarizes my mental health and conditions, it was in the information about what has happened to me to leave me suffering trauma.

The report states that my problems stem from a dysfunctional background and Asperger Syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

The psychologist said again that he wants me to have EMDR, and I told him that the church of England had been asked if they would pay for this and are still thinking about it (and will be in 10 years time because that is how they are).

Anyway, he is now writing up the final report, and has asked me to go and see him next week instead of the usual fortnight, and they will defer the cost. He hopes to have the report ready to publish by then.

So I wandered happily off to catch my train, the session had overrun and I managed to hurry up towards the station and dash in and out of the post office to get the letters sent etc, and leaped aboard the train just in time, and off we went.
I was very lucky, I went without my walking stick today but still managed to get a seat on the train.
I sat and read my book happily, and when I changed trains I stopped to get a cuppa and the lovely cafĂ© lady, who is always really nice, gave me a large cuppa to take away, and so I boarded the next train, got a seat again, read my book and when I went to the guard to get the ticket for the next leg of my journey, he simply extended my current ticket for free so it didn’t cost me any extra.

I arrived at my destination and walked peacefully up the hill towards the green trees and the church, I sat on the steps until my friends arrived, and we went to mass together and then I came home with them.
I was shown around the new house, and we had egg and chips and bread for supper and then some non-alcoholic beer and we giggled and joked as if it was real beer.

Then I had a long thorough bath and washed my hair.
Then I found that the internet wasn’t working and I could not update anything.
And it was bed time.

Their new place doesn’t have a real spare room, so my bed for Friday night was the office floor.

I slept through the night but only lightly, and dreamed a lot. At one point I dreamed we were all living on a building site.

In the morning I was up bright and early with no sleepiness, and I chewed some toast and drank some tea as we got ready and set out early.
We had to make a detour to drop something off, and then off we went, up to Chertsey to collect our friend, and on to London.

We arrived in London with no problems and there was time for a quick cuppa as you are not supposed to have food or cuppas for an hour before you take the sacrement and they are getting more strict on that even for us poor disableds :)
The gardens were getting in a mess, so we guessed that the lovely brother who keeps them must be away, and he is.

anyway, we had mass, and the brother leading asked if anyone knew about gardening :)
So I waved my hand cheerfully, and so did one of the others.

So then it was lunch, the usual delicious bread and soup and plenty of tea.

After lunch I almost immediately set to work on the gardens, and huge piles of weeds and rubbish started to accumulate as I tore through the jungles and replaced them with neat well-watered borders :)
A band of keen helpers joined me but couldn't keep up, and basically every bed got attention and every bed and pot got water, but it nearly killed me.
Only an idiot would do as I did, working at commercial speed after so long off work, working at commercial speed in the full sun and the heat and having recently had physiotherapy.

When the gardens were finished and it was time for the talk and Holy Hour and evening prayer, I was too tired and lay down on the ground behind the car and rested and felt sick.

My friend came and got me for confessions, I felt sad about confessions because my favourite priest, my only priest for confession, left recently and I was perfectly comfortable with him and saying my confession to him, so I had to learn to see the other priest, and it went ok.

Then it was supper time, and we did our prayers and sharing, and supper was chicken and salad and bread, very nice indeed, with plenty of soft drinks (and alcohol for those who wanted it), and some nice cake for pudding.

Then I was tired and went and sat behind the car again.
Then before we left, my the brothers gathered together so that my friend could get photos of me with the brothers, so we got some photos of me with friends and brothers, so I can carry my Catholic family with me when I don't see them for a long time and miss them a lot. :)

Then off we set, first to Chertsey and then onwards, my friend dropped me off eventually for a train and then bus ride back to my sleeping place.

It was 1.30 this morning before I navigated my way through the drunken revellers and tucked down   in my blankets and slept.

I woke at 7am, stiff, aching but feeling fine and well rested, no real pain.

I had my brekky and a good old wash, and here I am.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Friday 8.15am

Good morning peeps,

I have a lot of stats on my blogger stats but even the genuine ones aren't showing up on the feedjit stats, how odd, I think it is broken.

Well, anyway, when I left the library I went to church and sat in while some of the church people were there.
Then it was bed time and I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.
The physio says I have got to stop using my backpack as a pillow, well that could be tricky, I haven't got any spare blankets.
you know how one thing helps one problem but not another? The backpack as a pillow helps me to breathe better but it isn't good for my poorly neck, the neck has been poorly for many a year but it decided to be awkward now.
The old osteopath refused to even try and domy neck, because he says my vertebrae are defective, how rude, discriminating against my poor vertebrae as if they can help it!

sorry peeps, it is early morning and I have returned to having flashbacks in the mornings, which is not good.

I have to go and see my psychologist today, so thats ok, but I am supposed to go and meet my friends after that and go for the London weekend, and so there is much travelling and adventure ahead, I half like the adventure and half hate the disruption and change of routine.

ah, peeps, life should just be about cheese and pretzels and cups of tea.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Thursday 12.00 midday

Hi peeps,
I walked up to the clinic for physio, it was a nice walk.
I didn't have to wait long to be tortured.

The physio busily tortured my neck and shoulder while running the electrical current through my leg. He confirmed that I have wrenched the ligaments in my leg.
Then he ran the current through my neck and shoulder and tortured my leg a bit, then he told me to come back next week because my 'neck is quite poorly'.
Humf, attention-seeking neck, necks cost too much in physio bills, I think I should have it removed.
I think I bit the other therapist last year when she tried to do my neck and shoulder.
But she did leave me ill with pain so thats ok.
(I never really bite people).

Anyway, I wandered back and had coffee with my Scottish friend, and then litterpicked the churchyard and then came here.

Here I am. Pondering on the meaning of life.
I have a bad feeling that the pain is increasing because of physio, I hope I don't get sick.

Thursday 8am

Good morning peeps,

yesterday evening I was very tired by the time the library closed.
I went and sat and read my book, a church person came along but he was only testing the alarms.
I read my book and eventually, as early as possible, I went to get my blankets and bed down.

I was very tired and fell asleep quickly and slept through the night. I don't remember any dreams.
I woke up and it was raining, only lightly, but no rain was forecast, so I was a bit miffed. My top blanket is suffering from all this rain.

I remembered that I have physiotherapy today and I didn't want to get up, so I dozed a while and then came here to the cafe.

Physio is painful and awkward and embarrassing, it is an autistic person's idea of hell.
But it helps.

Wednesday, 3 July 2013


Hi peeps,
I have a physiotherapy appointment tomorrow at 9am.

I realised last night that I have to do something as the pain is keeping me awake and I shouldn't leave it.
I don't like pysio as it is painful and involves a lot of physical contact that I can hardly bear. But it is worth it.

How to say goodbye

Do you remember one of my favourite songs? it means a lot to me, reminds me of every goodbye since I fled the diocese and kept on moving and unable to trust anyone because I felt that the Diocese could find me and intervene through anyone who helped me and I would be slandered and driven out as I was repeatedly until I went on the run

little steps

When Daddy lets go of his daughter's hand
and lets her walk her first few steps alone
That is a wonderful moment

Will you let me go?
sad as it is
let me walk alone?

I don't want to be
a child smothered by adults

I want to be me
I want to walk free
and leave the church behind me

let go of my hand
and let me step unsteadily
back into my own life

this is how life is
children grow up 
and walk alone

I am walking a different path now
a path of my own
away from you

please let me return 
to walking alone
small childlike steps


Snows of new York

no title -google is stupid

Good morning peeps,
yesterday evening when the library closed, I went and sat to read my book, the caretaker came along and let me into church as it was cold and windy and rainy, so I made us a cup of tea and he busily caretaked and stopped to talk for a while, then he went and the evening groups came into church and I sat and drank tea and read my books until the church closed at 10pm.
I had texted my friend at 7.30pm because she said she would collect me if the weather was bad, but I heard nothing in return, she was probably asleep, she takes a lot of meds and sometimes sleeps all afternoon and evening and night.

Then when the church closed, I went for a walk as it was raining and windy and the bloody pub had its glaring spotlights and louts so I couldn't go in my porch.

By 11pm I was too tired, so I tried to settle down outside in the wind and rain, I curse the day that pub was taken over and turned into an antisocial louts pub.
By 11.30 I was cold and miserable so I risked the porch.
The weather was atrocious and I was tense and in pain, so I tried to settle in the porch, but some  very drunk louts hung about nearby, I don't know if they saw me, but the weather was so bad that the rain and wind were blowing into the porch, it was probably one of my worst nights this year.
I was still awake in the early hours, the weather thankfully drove the louts away, but I was suffering the church of england in my head.

I slept eventually, and woke at 5am, decided that despite only having had a few hours sleep, I would get up, so I did, my bedding wasn't too wet, so I stashed it.

Read my book and headed for McD's when they opened. I got a missed call at 5.50am, it was probably my friend who didn't answer me last night, but I thought it was my alarm, so I switched it off before I realised. she left a voicemail, but I have no credit.

Sat in McD's with my book and let time pass.
Eventually I went and got clean socks and underwear from my stash and went and had a wash, then I came here to the coffee shop. I will be very tired later, thankfully it will be dry tonight and I may get an early night.

Tuesday, 2 July 2013

bloody google is demanding headings to all my posts

Hi peeps,
I went and saw all me pals for cuppa and lunch.
It is coll and rainy out there, ideal.

I am very tired and it is hard to do anything, so I have been having fun on social media, which I rarely bother with.
Back in the old days, two years or 18 months ago, Facebook was fun and survivors groups were fun, but things have changed a lot since then.

google is messing around with my posts for no reason

Morning peeps,
I stayed in the library until it closed late, then I had a walk and a coffee and sat and read my book until bed time.

I didn't have a very good night.
I woke up from  real nightmares and terrors about the church of england and their bonkers investigation.
I was tense all over and my insides were not happy, I felt so ill.
The nightmares and terrors and illness all seemed to blend together and I fell asleep but not properly because my tummy was blown up and I was not feeling good at all, I had to tell myself that the investigation and church are just pathetic and nothing to do with me really.

Eventually it was morning, but I wasn't too keen to face the day.
My tummy is still not right, I think I need to take some IBS meds soon.

At least I get to see all me pals today, that will take my mind off things.

Monday, 1 July 2013

bog off google

Hi peeps,
I am tired and directionless today, yesterday was abit too much for me, and not knowing where I stand and who to talk to about the investigation is not helping.
I have no way of telling my story and getting my side accross, all I have is a load of grumpy old men who don't really give a damn about me and my side.
Morning peeps,

well, my friend dropped me off at Sanctuary last night, and I went to meet my other friend.
we went up to the city with the star above it, and we had a meal at Subway.
Then we went down to the graveyard and I cleared the long grass off my late friend's grave and told my friend about the other people buried there in the graveyard.

Then she brought me back to sanctuary, and I read my book and tucked down in my blankets, I was tired and I slept well and woke up feeling all comfy in the morning, having dreamed deeply about the past and about the London underground as well, how random.

I went and had my brekky at McD's and came here to the coffee shop, and now is time for a change of clothes and a wash.