This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 31 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well, I slept reasonably well. I actually woke at 5.30, which in the old days used to be a good thing, I used to love early mornings, but now they extend the misery of being awake and alive.

I didn't do much with the extra time, just a few chores before work.

I went to work, first the cliff top and then the mansion, peaceful and steady work.
Then I came home late lunchtime for a cuppa, and then I went and did the care home.

When I got home I watched 'The Cuckoo' again and then Hollyoaks and then 'Airplane!' was on tv.
I still watch it even though I have the DVD, and I still cry. Because it is my channel islands story.
Someone said this evening that they would pray that I could go back.
And until I can and do, safely go home to the channel islands, I will be waiting rather than living.
The Bailhache Brothers will make their way to deserved rotting in hell within the next 10 years or so, but Gorst will continue to gorge himself on power and wealth  and corruption for as long as he can. And he has done me as much damage as the Bailhache Brothers.
There needs to be justice and resolution for me, otherwise I am just waiting.

Anyway, life goes on.
I have the marina in the morning and then probably an hour for my old lady, an easy enough Friday.
But I have the farm to look after from Saturday evening to Sunday evening, all the animal duties and all the mowing. Darn. Although the money helps.

Wednesday, 30 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Last night was the same, slightly more sleep, but waking tired and late in the morning.
The fact that I had planned for a rained off day meant that didn't matter.

I didn't do much today, collected my new DVD - 'The Cuckoo' the Russian film that saved my life in 2012, it was what decided me to go on living. So I watched that.

Everything feels strange, sad, drifting, the bank holiday always disrupts my autistic world, and yesterday working alone instead of with my mate, and then today, rained off.

I haven't done much, when I went out earlier I got stuck in traffic and was forced to stop and have a McDonalds lunch and get some essential groceries before turning round and coming home a different way.

I watched Hollyoaks, dealt with a lot of twitter activity, which generally made me feel worse, and went down to the sea in the dark, briefly. I haven't done that in a while but I can't feel what I used to feel, it all seems useless and pointless to me, the things I used to love or want to do are of no worth, my life is a wait for the church and police to finish killing me,

Tuesday, 29 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Tired and aching and nearly ready for bed. Here's something that is making me smile to hear it again, I was looking for a good version and this will do:
If you want to think about  antecedent and consequent this is a good piece for that.

Well last night I had a bad night. Upsets over Welby and his rubbish. It was a bad night to have a bad night, with Monday's work always being the heaviest, and bank holiday making monday's work today's work.
And worse, with the forecast today in the high 20s, I wanted to start and finish early.
No chance of that after the bad night. I couldn't wake up to the early alarms because I had finally got into a deeper sleep.
So as it was, I woke at 7.50, and work normally starts at 8.30!

At least everything was ready for work, apart from the mower. So off I shot, and because I was working alone today, it didn't matter what time I arrived as long as I remained within our sub-contract framework of times and hours and work, which of course I did. 8.30 is a guideline that comes from the estate work.

It was strange to do a monday without my mate, but I worked steadily despite the heat, the fact that there was cloud some of the time helped me.
I didn't slack, I mowed, weeded, trimmed, and most of all I used the heavy hedgecutters to do the long hedges. Usually my mate's job, but there I was, showing the miracle of full recovery of my career and strength and I swung that hedgecutter above my head and ached but never faltered as sweat soaked my light cotton work clothes.

It was a good day's work despite the bad night, and I had plenty to eat and drink. The sea was flat calm and many craft were out, and people on the front watched in amazement as I did my workmates job of the long hedges.

I was glad to get home to supper, shower, Hollyoaks, and my massage machines, which are proving miraculous, I feel liberated because I can work to full strength again now as long as I put the massage machine on my shoulders and neck when I get home. It doesn't take away the normal ache and tiredness of hard physical work, but it means I won't be in agony any more, well, hopefully.

Over the weekend I read 'Altar Boy', a very insightful book about how abuse by a Catholic clergyman affected a young man's life and relationships. It made so much sense to me, as his sexuality and relationships seemed affected in a similar way to mine, and his insights into what went wrong and how the Catholic church failed to safeguard, made so much sense. When I finished that book I started the one I am on, which is called 'Mother's Ruin' about a girl who grew up with an alcoholic mother.

Tomorrow is due heavy rain so I may be rained off, rats! Oh well, hopefully my DVD of 'The Cuckoo' will arrive, the Russian Film that saved me and turned me from suicide and back towards life in 2012. I will recount all that to you again one day. I am looking forward to watching the DVD again.

Monday, 28 August 2017

Monday Bank Holiday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Well, yesterday was a bit of a non-day, I didn't do much, very little.
I meant to go to church but someone emailed me and by the time I had answered it was too late.

I did some shopping and had a drive but I didn't feel like doing that or anything else.
I had a ghastly excuse for a roast chicken dinner at the supermarket cafe, well what do you expect from a supermarket cafe.

Today I am still slow but I am getting some housework done, the fridge was bad so I have cleaned it.

I am moving some furniture around, hope to help my sleep if I move the bed, and hope to make the flat easier to navigate and use.

I wish there was a way out of this hell.

Saturday, 26 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

I have had a difficult day at work, I didn't want to work today anyway but it all went wrong anyway.

Yesterday wasn't too bad, I finished the garden clearance in the morning, then worked down the marina a while, then did my old lady's garden in the afternoon.

I got my new massage machine for my neck and shoulders, and it is very efficient without making things worse like some massage machines have done in the past. It is like having physio, that can make the pain worse.
I am glad the new machine means I can come home in pain but not end up ill and can relieve the pain, it is a step forward while the rest of my life collapses.

I went to the samaritans this evening and maybe it helped a little, even the samaritans can't do much for me any more, it has been really difficult to live since the police came to my home a year ago.

Thursday, 24 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Getting tired now. I hope I will sleep.

Yesterday I worked with the boys at the marina, did a good day's work after a very bad night, it was a bad night with pain and discomfort rather than trauma.

Last night was a bit better, although I woke at 3am, whimpering and lying on my left side, neither of which are normal, I didn't feel well, so I got up and sorted myself out and went back to bed and slept.

My dreams are very sad at the moment, mainly about my family, and although I would never want them back, the mind doesn't forget 17 years in a family.

Today I did a good day's work, one garden after another.
The phone never stopped ringing and beeping, it is all go. I now have an extra emergency job for the property managers, to prepare a garden for an inspection, and because of the bank holiday and how it pushes the sub-contract and thus all my work up, I will have to work saturday.

My work went well today despite flashbacks.

I feel tired and defeated at the moment, but I will go to bed and sleep.

Tomorrow I have sub-contract and my old lady, and Saturday I have this emergency job and the care home. I may well get Sunday and Monday off though.

Tuesday, 22 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Just trying to wind down.

It has been a bit of a soddy day.

It started as normal, I was up in time to procrastinate before work, don't worry peeps, that does not mean anything norty, anyway, I headed for work, I was going to do the old lady's garden.

Then it all went wrong.

The radio warned of an accident up ahead, and I heard it in time to plan to take the other route, but the problem was that traffic was gridlocked.

So I turned the car round and headed out into the wilds, and haha, got stuck behind a grockle can doing 20mph.

To cut a long story short, I realised I couldn't get to my old lady and went to do another job. I stopped to phone the old lady, realised that my phone was playing up, fixed it, and she had been trying to contact me to cancel as she isn't well and the ground is saturated.


So I went to get on with some other work, the gridlock meant I wouldn't go and buy trousers today, but anyway, I started having flashbacks as I worked, and they were bad.

Eventually I came home, intending to have a lunchbreak, but I just felt too awful. Until the injustices are addressed, there is no way of getting the horror to stop.

I have felt bad, but I put 2 5HTP in my coffee, and eventually I went into efficient mode, I sorted the flat out a bit, wrote letters, and prepared tomorrow's lunch, and I watched Hollyoaks.

Now I am just trying to head towards sleep without too much distress.

Monday, 21 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well last night I slept until 2.50am, and woke distressed, but I recorded my distress on the tape recorder and slept again, I can't remember my distress or what I recorded.

I woke this morning to something strange, it felt like there was water running down my lower leg, alarming because we have a flat roof and it had rained in the night, but there was no water on my leg at all! I looked this up and it is a neurological symptom, I know I have felt strange recently but I do not have any of the neurological conditions associated with this, so I may have been dreaming.

Anyway, it was estate day today, I always try to actively make it less hellish, so I had a shower and dressed in clean black jeans and a crisp blue shirt, and I had already packed litre bottles of squash, 500ml bottles of hydration salts, and a nice lunch of sandwiches, crisps and fruit, as well as painkillers and I thought I had packed a pain pen and cream, but no sign of those, they have vanished.

I managed to park at work, and the boss had nicked my workmate's space, and laughed at him when he arrived, but the boss wasn't feeling well, we have a joke about how we all turn up no matter what the weather and even if we have broken a leg, and it isn't that far from true.

But despite the boss feeling ill, and having had some time off, he was working today, he and his daughter did the top half of the estate and me and my workmate did the lower half.

Despite some repairs the mower was still too vibratey, and I said I would do some of the mowing but didn't want to get sick, and everyone said that was fine, but I did all the mowing down there, and it rained and it was damp and humid and horrible and I ended up covered in sticky wet grass cuttings.

At lunchtime I sat in my car and had my nice lunch and painkillers, I couldn't find the pain pen or heat cream so I had to make do with that. Then I got coffee. I had a problem today that the black jeans have worn at the seams and the wearing was pinching and rubbing my leg, which was nasty and has left a blister-bruise thing, but I couldn't do anything about it, unfortunately my work trousers have just given up. So tomorrow I will have to go get trousers.

Anyway, so it was my last day on the estate, not because the stupid management company have fired us, they couldn't get anyone else to take the job on under their terms, unsurprisingly, no it was my last day because I said that it is too much strain on me and I can't do it any more, the others wish they could quit too and also hate it, but I am the one with the injuries that aren't enduring it.

So, I have a new monday routine, I take the big holiday estate that I normally spend a morning on with my workmate, and I do that alternate mondays all day, and I do the Marina all day on the other alternates. So all change, and I don't mind too much.

Although it felt slightly sad in the afternoon, because everyone knows us, and various people shouting me over by name and chatting to me, I won't really see them any more.

I did some good clearing work in the afternoon, working alone, and watching a load of cats trying to get into my workmate's van, no idea what he has got in there but they want a piece. His van is a joke to us, as he never clears it out and we make up scare stories about what may be living or growing in there.

The end of the day was happy and sad, my last day on the estate and it has been a long time now, since my first day there, we were standing by the vans and laughing, talking about the marina and someone who lives there, and someone stopped to talk to us, the guy who I have known since I was a teenager, and he said 'They haven't got rid of you then!' It felt funny to me, because no, the estate didn't get rid of us, but it was still my last day.
We told him no-one else would take the contract on the hours and money, and he ranted about the management raking in fees and not using the money for what it is intended for, the residents have tried to force change, but it hasn't worked.
It is funny I will not see him again,  or all the other people who have been so appreciative of our work.

It's possible to get used to a place even if you can't stand it.

Anyway, at last it was home time, aching and tired, I came home, and started trying to do something about the pain, I can't find the pain pen or cream that I put on the rail and was sure I packed this morning, gone. Mysterious.

When I got home I had a shower and supper and watched some TV, not focussing really, Monday is a dud day once work has finished, there is only tiredness, and painkillers and massage seat and acupressure etc, I also did the rolled towel spine thing that the physio taught me, it is quite good, all I have left is some neck pain, and I am ordering a new neck massage thing.

There was supposed to be an eclipse, but it wasn't very good due to the fact that it was just before sunset. I remember the full eclipse, you won't believe how old that makes me feel, I was at work at the time and we went out to watch the full eclipse, but the one today just took a bite out of the sun and the sun was heading for sunset anyway so it was no good. I will write to the Prime Minister and complain and ask for a better one.

I am tired but as usual I am afraid to sleep, because of the distress.

Tomorrow I have my old lady, then some trouser shopping, then the care home.

Sunday, 20 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Bed time, tomorrow we have the estate, they haven't got rid of us yet, grr.

A quiet day here, an unremarkable service at church, and then home, I wasn't deeply sociable, said hi to my peeps, and been home, just doing chores, watching films, preparing for the working week. Not much.

Not been feeling great, physically not great, and mentally distressed and flashbacks as well.

There is a suggestion that this unknown illness is early menopause, which would be perfectly reasonable, would explain the night sweats etc.

Saturday, 19 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well last night wasn't too turbulent, I did wake at some point, I did have some dreams and distress but it faded into oblivion. I got up this morning to find I had opened a window in the night - I usually wake up too hot when I am distressed - but the air coming into the flat was cool, crisp and scented, autumnal, lovely.

Well today was a funny day, because I decided not to top up my work at the care home but to leave them until Tuesday (yeah, right, no, I promise I will). So no work, no work could mean just being here and being distressed, well in a way that is what happens at weekends and in the evenings and nights, so yeah, some distress, but I was focussing on major cleaning and sorting out, the new mop and hoover have inspired it, as well as my whiteboard task list reminding me of everything that needs doing.
So I did a major clear-out and took things down to the lockup.

Then I have been watching DVDs and cleaning and clearing the flat, cleaning the car inside and out, sorting tools and equipment and possessions, and it is all beginning to shape up a bit now.

Nothing worth watching on TV today.

I have what appears to be an automated stalkerstat viewing the blog every few hours, unless it is the police. I would like it to stop as it is annoying and is messing up my stats.
I am not suicidal you stupid police, go and beat my abusers up.

I am just cooking some steak, and tomorrow will be church, and some writing. I have written a few lines of Castle on the Hill today, I don't feel like writing, but with a quiet weekend and a distressed mind, I need to write.

Friday, 18 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Last night was slightly better. I did have one nightmare but I generally slept through.

Today I worked down the Marina, and there were big fish doing fish things in the water, fish do not do much, they just swim and open and close their mouths, I would like to bring one home and fry it with butter.

Then this afternoon I did the old lady's garden, and she enticed me in for tea for once, and her neighbour was saying lots of complimentary things about me and calling the other gardener a mini hippo, which is dead rude.

I came home and started the housework, only one lot of washing this weekend and that is out on the line, half the house is hoovered and mopped, yay, and the big shopping is done.

I watched Top Secret and Hollyoaks and now I am tired enough to sleep. maybe.

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Bored waiting for Emma to comment on my blog, lets do Janet Averty's theme and solemnly acknowledge how twisted it all was, whatever was going on up there.


Good evening peeps,

I had a terrible night, full of nightmares and severe distress.
I got up this morning and it was raining and I didn't want to go to work.

I went anyway, running late, got stuck behind a tractor.

Got to work, on the cliff top, and my old lady wasn't too well, she had been quite ill, so the doctors had taken her off some of her meds and she looked ill and was coughing a lot, she was waiting to go and have a gastroscopy, and she has to have them without anasthetic like I do.

I got her garden done, went to collect my parcels, which included my new hoover and mop, and went to the next garden.

I was surprised how well I worked, and I finished there and came home to get my mower for the care home, but Hampshire Blasted Police had been sending me emails, so it took me an hour to tell them to go to hell and I was shook up, as I always am when I deal with the nazis.

Eventually I went back to work, and worked myself to an exhausted standstill just as it started to rain again.
I came home and have been doing very little apart from watching Hollyoaks. I can't seem to throw off the depression and despair any more, it is set in, there was no hope for me after the Bishop and Archbishop had me publicly destroyed, and their police seige of my home in September last year was the last straw, all that is left is suffering.

Guernsey have spent the evening checking if I blogged about airplanes. Go to hell Guernsey.

Wednesday, 16 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday's physio was painful and had quite an impact on me, I still feel wrecked.

So I didn't work yesterday afternoon.

I went down to the salon by the sea to get a hair appointment and was surprised to bump into my old housemate, who seemed really pleased to see me.

She told me that she has a strange housemate now, but we are all strange to her, she has such problems herself with emotions and issues. Her housemate sounds like me, but she likes me now, was happy to see me.

She told me that sadly she is having to consider returning to Poland as the falling pound means money she sends home isn't worth as much.
It makes me sad, she has worked so hard, to learn English and train as a carer, and now she is being forced out of the life she built.
She also told me that her disabled friend needed tree work done and no-one would help, so I giggled and gave her the boss's number. She can't get his name right any more than she can get my name right. I am sure he will have fun talking to her.

Anyway, she seemed so happy to see me, it was funny. And off I went to make a hair appointment, get the bedraggled mop thinned, it looks so bad when I leave it.
The salon gave me an appointment for today, which was quicker than expected.

I came home and watched 7 Pounds, which is a sad film but very moving.
Then Hollyoaks.

I spent the evening writing, and crying, I felt ill and sad and tired, the physical trauma of the physio and the years of harm to me from the church just overwhelmed me.

I didn't sleep too badly though, although I had a nightmare about the church and Littleton. I am always relieved to wake and know that at least I am free from the old bigots and their fake church.

This morning I went to work, the garden clearance that I started last week, it went well although I am still in pain from physio. The lady was so happy with it, she came out and gave me a £10 that she insisted I accepted. It is sub-contract work, so the boss pays me, but the extra £10 that she insisted will come in handy.

I headed for my haircut, and got it done OK, thinned and trimmed.
Then I had lunch at a seaside cafe, one that I like. Jacket potato and a mug of tea.

I am still wrecked from physio, so I came home, I still feel physically and emotionally wrecked. I am watching 7 Pounds again. I will watch 'Top Secret' next, to lighten the mood.

Tuesday, 15 August 2017


Good morning peeps,

Well it is nice and early as my work today doesn't start until 9.

I wrote that 15 minutes ago and wandered off.

I just ordered a new hoover and mop for the flat, normally I sweep the whole things and skate around on cloths but that is hard work and this flat is a devil for dust bunnies, so I decided to upgrade.

On Sunday I got the whole flat very clean, and that was about all I did, apart from preparing for work, washing Max and watching some movies.

Yesterday was a difficult day, I went to work with my mate, the mower is so bad that the vibrations have seized up my shoulder and neck, worse than it has been in a while as I have done such good pain management for so long, but I have been suffering.

As I write, I have just belatedly got my physio reminder through, belated because the physio is today and I was wondering what time, as the reminder had not come. 2pm, just the right time to ruin any working day. I have my old lady this morning and then I will have to come home for lunch and a shower before physio, and as physio takes 40 minutes, I end up with less time to get another job done in the afternoon, how annoying, but hopefully physio can release the neck and shoulder injury somewhat.

Yesterday was a long day, supposed to be warm and cloudy, yeah, right! As always it was hot and sunny. And with the hard work, it made me tired and ill. We did have a nice long lunch on the beach though, and I had coffee with my lunch, which always cheers me up. I did meds all day and drank 2.25 litres of squash and 1 litre of hydration mix, and tea and coffee, but I felt awful anyway.
The mower blade is broken, hence the vibration, so it is impacting badly on my shoulder, they will have to fix it now.

Last night I was exhuasted and went to bed at 7.30, which of course meant I was waking in the night, more in pain than distress though, well, maybe.

So today is supposed to be a light easy day, take it easy Tuesday, but physio kind of complicates that.

I am curious as I have a new reader who is viewing the blog every few hours. Hello. If you are looking for contact details, shout me on twitter. If not, welcome to the blog.

Sunday, 13 August 2017


Good lunchtime peeps,

I am sitting in my shower robe, with my lunch cooking in the kitchen, there is nothing on television.

Last night I was tired enough to sleep, and to sleep through the night without distress.

I woke up this morning and as usual the distress came back, it takes some hours to override it and try to live normally, so I did very little for some time, I finished reading a book and watched Hollyoaks without interest.

Then I started the housework, just to annoy the dirty church of england, the housework is currently at chaotic stage, the stage before you start pulling it all together and it all looks good.

It is a warm sunny day, so I should go out, to a cafe or something by the sea. I don't feel enthusiastic.

Tomorrow we have the holiday homes run, and it will be cloudy and not too warm if the forecast is right. I look forward to coffee on the sea wall at break time.

I guess I had better do my work diary and schedule, a week of solid plodding, comfortingly routine and normal. Hopefully. You never know what the church and their complicit idiots will do next.

Saturday, 12 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

It has been a hard day due to being awake with trauma in the night, and I am tired.

I didn't do much at all this morning, watched TV, not much.

This afternoon I went to work for a few hours, felt lazy but worked anyway.

This evening I have watched Liar Liar, done housework, and emails, and cooked a proper supper. And I went for a sunset drive along the coast, which I don't often do.

I am getting sleepy now.

The trauma and distress are so constant because there has been no resolution to anything.

Trauma, awake in the middle of the night because of trauma.
I guess going to bed early when I know this happens, doesn't help, but I was too tired to stay up, and I was asleep within minutes of lying down.
But here I am, awake and trying to go back into coping mode.
I have taken 2 5HTP, which isn't great if I do sleep, because it causes vivid dreams.

Friday, 11 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well I am tired.
I am sure you can imagine, London was a long day for me. It went well but took a lot of energy and management of everything so that I didn't get sick.

I got home at 11.40 last night, and was in bed at about midnight, and woke free from pain this morning, but I am tired.

I have worked a light and easy day today, then done the shopping, and now that Hollyoaks is over, I am having an early night, I hope that won't make me ill with flashbacks and nightmares.

Wednesday, 9 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

It is Wednesday rained off day.
I found fruit and nut chocolate.

Last night I had a bad night of nightmares, the worst were about the Lihous. I am always relieved to wake up and remember that the disturbed and harmful church of england people who affected my life for so long are gone. Nonetheless, my sleep was disrupted and unhappy and I woke a number of times and had to do meds and open windows and try to cool down and calm down.

I am still battling depression and trauma, these days I don't get much relief from it.

This morning I fell asleep again at 5am and woke late, I had to wash and dress quickly and go and get a ton bag from my workmate, and give him the hedgecutter.

But work looked doubtful and I felt bad.

In the end I did two hours of heavy clearance and got soaked through.
I left a lot of heavy garden waste for the boys to collect.

I had to just give up and come home, and the rain has been relentless.
When I got home, I put my soaking work clothes in the wash, and hid in a duvet in front of the TV and watched Mel and Joey.

I had to do a wash despite the rain as I am going to London and I need clean smartish clothes.

I did a fry-up for lunch, sausage, eggs and bacon, with bread and coffee. And Then I printed and worked through tomorrow's paperwork.
Eventually I was cold enough to have a shower. I am really bad at getting in the shower after being out in the rain.

I am drinking coffee laced with 2 5HTP, and hoping it will help. I think I will watch Self/less now until Princess Diaries are on later, yesterday I watched 'Me before You'.

Tuesday, 8 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Just winding down for the night.

Last night I slept better, being very tired helps. And thankfully no residual pain from yesterday's work, aches and tiredness, but not real pain.

This morning I went to work for my old lady, hoping the rain would allow it. But she was unwell, and her husband came out and asked if I would do the lawns and a general tidy up, he said he would make tea later.
The old lady had a lot of pain from spine problems so she gets ill a lot, but she says the doctors and hospital don't really help her.
Her husband is an old fashioned man, who hadn't heard of lady gardeners when I appeared, and their last gardeners were cowboy men who did little and demanded much, so he is still a bit astonished by my work, but he has got used to me, and he is very appreciative and grateful for my work, he had a heart attack 18 months ago, so he can't do much in the garden now.

I got their garden done before the rain, and headed into the supermarket on the way home for some shopping, my workmate turned up there, and looked surprised to see me, he was working at the retirement complex nearby, and he looked tired, so I asked him it his harem were wearing him out, he grinned, but he is sad that they won't allow him to build a compost bin to save taking so much waste away.

I headed home for lunch, intending to do the care home in the afternoon if the weather allowed, but no such luck, I was rained off. So other chores were to be done, more shopping, housework, homework for Thursday, because, yes, I am going to London after all.

I am very tired now, but the flat is clean and I have wiped out half a whiteboard of chores and tasks.
I watched Hollyoaks and read a short story as well, and started getting the London material together, and tomorrow I will be doing a new property sub-contact, if the weather allows, as the Holiday cottage remains fully booked. I would be doing the marina in the afternoon but the weather looks pretty bad.

Monday, 7 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Tired but not in too much pain.

Last night I slept shallowly and had nightmares about the church and homelessness, very vivid and upsetting.

I woke this morning and dragged myself through the routines.

I headed for the estate, not leaving myself much time, but with it being school holidays, I arrived in good time.

The team today was my workmate, myself, the boss and his daughter.
None of us like the estate, the work is soul destroying and the management company are horrible.
I was dreading it even more than usual. Having had the diagnosis and assessment of my shoulder and neck makes me more reluctant to do that high impact and futile work to maintain a massive estate with only one day a fortnight. We hate the estate but it has been year round reliable work.

Well it seems that it may be coming to an end. Another firm had been brought in to plant up the desert areas of builders soil, and yes, they had planted directly on the builders soil, against our advice and despite the demise of the plants we put in, the managers have been such cheapskates they refuse to listen regarding the soil being no good, and they have refused to budget for topsoil, so basically those new plants will die.

Anyway, we got on with the mowing, got the estate done. And then onto the weeding, the day dragged, and I drank bottles of squash and hydration solution, as well as keeping the painkillers and anti-inflamatories at top dose.
I also had coffees at breaktime, and endured the day.

In the afternoon I went to get some bags from the vans for my weeding, and all of us except the boss's daughter, who felt unwell, ended up in a kind of confab with some of the residents.

The residents generally like us and our mad hard work, and they don't like the management company.
One of the residents was discussing the site and situation with us, and another, who, believe it or not, I have actually known since I was a teenager, small world eh, came to talk, and he told us the management company had been showing another gardening team round the estate.

We laughed. We rely on the estate for income in the winter but we hate the way the management company treat us and we work flat out and make ourselves ill because they only give us one day a fortnight to do everything, and then they grumble. We have tolerated this and we have run out of patience. Good luck to them if they want to make another team endure it.
The only thing is, according to the residents, the amount of money the management team are taking from residents for maintenance is not being reflected in what they pay us or in any promised work being done, so the residents are sympathetic to us and furious with the management, who are raking in enough to have us there a lot more, as well as budgeting for topsoil and other things that they refuse to.

So it was a heated and sympathetic conflab, where ousting the management team was raised by the residents, one of whom would be more than capable of chairing a new management team, indeed that line of work has been his life, and we would work well for him.
But, it looks as if the current management want shot of us so that they can blame and wear down another team, they just haven't told us yet, so we are waiting with grins on our faces, and when the boss says if they wear the other team down and ask us back, he will charge double. And believe me if they stick to one day a fortnight another team won't last, we have done the impossible for a long time now. I hope I never go back there. I dread and endure it.

Anyway, I finished promptly and went to do my final duties at the farm, phew what a relief! That has been too much for me as well!

Then I came home, traffic crawled and it was 6pm when I got home.

I have had a quiet evening, supper, TV, a book, pain prevention, and now just finishing the day and preparing for bed. I did the invoices and write-up for the farm, and they will have come home to find that. Not that I am impatient but they sometimes take their time to pay for work and I could do with the money.

Tomorrow a quieter day, one old lady, one care home, no farm!

The London trip is uncertain due to the severe disruptions caused by engineering, we are just seeing what alternatives can be worked up, so it is 50-50 at the moment.

Sunday, 6 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

I am watching Night at the Museum. I have given Max a wash.

Well Friday evening out was generally good, a bit dodgy with the transport home, but that was my annual outing. I survived it.

But, getting back at Quarter to one in the morning did make the weekend harder. I had to be up early for the farm as well.

Yesterday was a bit of a blur, I went back to bed after the morning farm duties, slept until lunch time, wasn't hungry, went back to the farm and worked, not much else happened apart from a bit of TV and reading.

Today I went to do the farm, then I went to church, struggled though church, but it was nice to see my churchpeeps. Although a lot of people were away and it was very quiet.

After church I came home, didn't do much, and went back to the farm for the evening.

I am only just starting my weekend chores, cleaning, preparing for the week etc. Tomorrow evening I hand the farm back over, phew! I am glad it is over!
But tomorrow we have the estate, which I outright hate. Since finding out how bad my shoulder and neck are, I am sure I should not work on the estate.

Anyway, I feel tired and useless, the church and police damage will never go, and it is hard to live. I wonder why and how I get through each day, just waiting for them to harm me again. It is hard and it never gets easier, the police and church and their complicit services and authorities have destroyed me, and no matter what I do, that remains.

Thursday, 3 August 2017


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday I had an unfortunate accident.
I was working at the farm and the rain was pouring down and the railway sleepers were wet and slippery and I fell hard.

I landed on my hand, which is bruised, but the impact was above my elbow, so I have a hurty arm and changing gear when I drive is a bit awkward. I also strained my leg, but mildly. and all that just after physiotherapy.

I am walking wounded though, and this morning on the cliff top, I was using the heavy hedgecutter without too much difficulty.

I went into town at lunchtime, got the household shopping and lunch, and then worked at the farm for the remainder of the day. I cannot express how glad I will be to hand the farm back, I can't cope with it with all my work, I mean I am coping with it, but it is not having a good effect on me.

The wind made work difficult today, and unforecast rain at times didn't help.

I worked too hard, and got home worried about being ill, I am aching, but tomorrow will tell, and I hope very much I will not be ill tomorrow as I have a special evening.

I have felt very depressed, but I have done some housework, watched TV, done a load of washing and hung it out.

Twitter tolls haven't helped my mood, but they are very stupid and ignorant and have no base for their silly whining.

Tomorrow I have the mansion for the morning and one of my old ladies for the afternoon. Then the farm.

Wednesday, 2 August 2017


Good afternoon,

I have not updated properly for several days. I don't know why.

On Sunday evening I watched Nanny McPhee and Home alone, and my landlord and his son came to try to fix the washing machine, but we don't know if it is fixed until next time I try to use it.

On Monday it was sunny and I worked with my mate, we had lunch on the sea wall in the sun, and I had coffee from the kiosk, but then I felt ill in the afternoon but didn't know why. I worked still, and then went and did the farm.

Yesterday I started at my old lady's house, she told me it takes her two weeks to get a doctor's appointment even though she is in pain.
When I had done her garden I went and started on the care home, and stopped halfway through to come home and change and go to physiotherapy.

The physio did ultrasound on the sciatica, which is actually a strained ligament and facet joint, but he was much more serious about my neck and shoulder.

He says the injured trapezius has wasted a bit despite my work, and that can happen with pain, and the muscle is tight as well as wasted, but worse, the neck problem isn't just muscle tightness or degeneration, it is whiplash, all the way along, which went untreated, and is untreatable now. Damn. Permanent, although, peeps, you know I knew that the pain I live with is permanent, I stopped looking for cures and accept that treatment when it is bad is the only option.

Anyway, so I left there a bit poorer and with pain in my neck and shoulder from treatment.

The 'sciatica' has responded well to treatment, but the neck and shoulder have been painful today.

Today was a washout, it has been pouring with rain.
I have to go and do the farm, and some shopping in a while. Traffic has been horrendous recently and the weather won't help. I am very tired and I will be glad to hand the farm back soon.

I have been testing my new orthapedic pillow, it seems OK, it doesn't need a support under it yet as it is too bouncy.

I think I should go shopping and do the farm now, then I can have a hot shower when I come home wet and soaked.
I hope it dries out there for tomorrow, I need to do the grass there and there is a lot of it!