This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 22 March 2018

Coughing blood

Thought I had grown out of it.

Welby-Damned launched another use of abuse as a PR stunt yesterday, as he continues to leave me destroyed and without justice.

I vomited everything and a whole lot of blood.

I don't want to go to the NHS who branded me for the church and police, vilified me and drove me out when I had dangerous blood pressure when Bob collapsed.

I don't have any money for the online doctor. Not that they could do much. They would tell me to go to hospital.

I had a day's work booked but I am too sick to work, so I will have no money because of my abuser and his public boasts.

This is an intolerable way to live.

Wednesday, 21 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday evening I was watching Kickass 2, which I shouldn't as it is too violent as well as simply not having what Kickass had.
Originally I became a Kickass Fan because my friend in Jersey was adamant that I was a vigilante after I stopped a man from beating his girlfriend up in St. Helier when I was walking back to my friend's apartment with her after church. She phoned me when I was out mowing on the ride-on mower, and asked if I wanted to see a film. She said it was a film that was after my own heart, and it happened to be Kickass. After that we had to be Hit Girl and Big Daddy. Which may be why the church named me HG in their hate campaign against me. Because Hit Girl wears a badge saying 'HG' on it.
Anyway, I am sure you wanted to know all that.

So, I don't think it was Kickass that caused the nightmares, I was restless to sleep and didn't sleep well, and had terrible nightmares about the church and police and being locked up.

I woke this morning in a bit of a state, not as much of a state as Jersey is in, but a state nonetheless.

I got up and because things are complicated, I had to postpone today's work in order to get my redirection order sorted out and go to see the person I will be lodging with. The redirection order took a trip into town to bank money and a trip home to sort the order out online with my account, which is the quickest method.
I had the animals to do before I did anything else, and they were OK. One goose sitting on eggs and huffing at me when I checked she was alright.

Anyway, by the time everything was done it was afternoon, so I got on with writing work, and then did farm duties and got a load of logs for the burner, and started to sort out for tomorrow's work.

The church of england have omitted an ominous rumble, which, combined with last night's nightmare, doesn't bode well. Shut it, Bishfaces. Turn your mitres into boats, your dresses into sails and your crooks into prisons, or rather masts, and sail off down the Strait of Dover.

I got the washing done, and it had a few hours on the line, now it is drying by the fire, and there is plenty of wood. I am cooking supper and boiling fresh eggs for tomorrow's lunch.

Tuesday, 20 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

I get my days muddled, I think it is Wednesday. Ha.

Well. Tomorrow's customer, the lady with the heavy clay soil, has cancelled because she isn't feeling too good, she has MS so she has to be careful not to overdo things. I reckon her garden would be a nightmare after all that snow, heavy wet clay. She is rebooked for next week.
But anyway, a returning customer texted and asked if it was the gardening season now, and it pretty much is, so I will see if I can do his garden tomorrow. That will give me some coins for the laundry, I don't reckon washing will dry well outside at the moment.

I have been offered a temporary room for a few months by someone we know, part of the network, but it is temporary, reasonable rent though.

This morning I woke from vivid but stupid dreams because the smoke alarm was blipping, the man had to come and replace it, it was faulty a while back when there were guests staying here.

I went and did the care home today, just odds and ends. I actually got two lavender cuttings to set, growing them outside over winter, which is pretty impressive, but just two lavender to many rosemary cuttings that took. Anyway, all good. I did some planting up. The ground wasn't too bad at the care home.
Then I went to the welfare and got some donuts, bread, and a nice apple.

I did a short writing assignment today, 250 words, it was accepted almost immediately. I have a more tricky 700 word one now.

The weather is cold but unremarkable. I have Hollyoaks and a roaring log fire.

Monday, 19 March 2018


Good afternoon peeps,

Well what a time. Snow and things.

Yesterday, as you know, I woke at 3am and eventually had to get up. But you didn't know I built a snowman and played in the snow between 5am and 6am and as it got light.
I did. I got very cold and my hips really didn't like building snowmen, I have been struggling to walk since then. The hips have the disorder.

Anyway. Yesterday remained cold and snowy, I didn't try to go to church, even though other people were driving the main road by then.

I watched films and cleaned the house and got on with writing. I completed an article for a specialist firm.
No-one from the farm had mentioned anything about when I could stay until or go, so I was cleaning and packing to go in the evening when the farm lady came round.

She said that as I was due to look after the farm from Wednesday to Monday, I could stay if I wanted, either from yesterday or from Wednesday.
I had already made the beds and cleaned the place, and I only had a weekend bag and my work stuff with me, so I said I would return home and sort myself out and bring what I needed on Wednesday.

What happened next, although it was going to happen, caught me by surprise.

I have lived in the apartment on the Great Ship Bay for a few months now but it has been rocky, and me and my friends nearly arranged alternative lodgings for me a few weeks after I moved there.

I got home to find a drunk and aggressive landlady in my room.
It appears that she split with her partner who she lived with most of the time, and at the same time her daughter lost whatever place she took after splitting with her partner a few weeks after I moved in. The flat was in chaos, and I politely told the landlady that I was concerned to find her in my room and rooting in my things, she started out on a very clear lie about the television aerial and then started attacking me, and then simply went into the lounge in silence. There was beer bottles, stuff everywhere, it was crazy.

I picked up my things that she had been doing goodness knows what with, packed everything into the car, and made the dangerous drive that I described in the last post. And came back to the cottage. I am on farm duties and the farm know the situation and have known of the problems at the apartment since the beginning, so I can stay here until they have guests at Easter, and we are following up offers of rooms for me.

What happened yesterday isn't confirmation of the church's opinion of me, it is confirmation that living in the underworld and a fugitive and unable to earn a good living means I end up vulnerable in unstable accommodations, as a lot of vulnerable and poor people do. It's not ideal, this way of life, but who has an ideal life?

Anyway, I don't have to defend the reality of life as it is since the church destroyed me or I left the street, I have done my best to build my life, and still am doing, despite the church press, police and other attacks that have cost me work and my degree and a lot more. I just have to keep going.

It was late when I got here, and after a chat with the farm people, I went to sleep fully clothed and wrapped up in cottage duvets, as I couldn't get my bedding out of the stuff in the car and I couldn't find my pyjamas.
I woke this morning at 7.30, deciding to have a Birthday today. I do that approximately once a year.
Ha, the snow remained so thick that I couldn't do the care home or walk the dog as I had hoped.

I had a shower and went in town to put an advert in the paper and get some groceries and toiletries, the roads were alright.

When I checked the animals, there was a male wild duck keeping the ducks company, he did look funny among them, but I wondered if his mate was sitting on eggs in this weather. I got a barrow of logs for the cottage, and the geese honked lazily at me from where they lay in the snow, they are mucky geese, they show up as dirty white against the snow. They love the mud in the paddock, I don't.

I went to scatter a bale of straw in the hen barn, and found a bewildered female duck among the hens.
I couldn't help thinking...The male duck is having a stag do with the other ducks, and the female duck is having a hen do...with the hens.

Anyway, the hens were shut in the barn, so I fed and watered them, and fed the quail, and the duck.  But I decided I had to open the door so the duck could get out, which meant that the hens, bewildered, stumbled out the door and started mooching around. I think they were only in because of the snow, and it was beginning to melt, there is certainly no problem with them being out for a few hours before roosting, especially as the snow was melting.

I headed off to view the new garden, as it hadn't been cancelled. The garden was under snow, but we were able to discuss it and make arrangements.
The lady amused me, she was quirky and swore like a trooper, reminded me of me a bit, not that I swear like a trooper. Her husband had been caught out by his car breaking, and couldn't get home in time.  Anyway, I have booked them in, but tomorrow's garden cancelled due to snow.

The snow is melting a bit, but we have ice now, and snow blowing off the hills, a lot of it.

I was just going to go and put the animals to bed when there was a knock on the door, the farm lady was home and she was going to do the animals, and she brought me a present and card, how kind.

I have a nice log fire going and 'Titanic' on Netflix, and I am just writing and not doing much. Tomorrow I may get a dog walk and the care home done, due to my main garden work being cancelled. This evening a beautiful sunset lit the snow-blanketed field, how wonderful to be able to see such a thing.

I am now on farm duties, we have new hens in a separate enclosure, so I have to remember to include them in my duties, and the newer ducks are such a pain, I hope they behave. I wonder when we get new piggies, I like the pigs, although they can be a handful. They trash the troughs and throw them in the mud.

My friends are so keen on the book manuscript that they have got me enthusiastic about editing and publishing it.

Sunday, 18 March 2018

The emergency drive

I am not sure my friends should read this one.

The snow was falling fast and thick, and although Max had only been parked for an hour or two, he was covered in thick snow and some ice. I thought of asking the kids who threw snowballs at me to clean the car, but I was afraid their enthusiasm might do some damage.

I brushed the snow off him, and scraped the ice. The road was untreated and thick with snow.

I reversed very carefully, laughing about how this morning I wouldn't even have driven into town for church. And here at 9pm, I was driving in the dark in thick snow. Max crunched on the snow, that strange noise it makes. I drove him to the junction, very slowly. And let him brake on his engine.
All clear, and onto the main road, which was thick snow despite the gritters. Max slid at first and I was worried until I got used to the feel of the drive. We moved slowly up the hill and engine braked down at the traffic lights, which changed for us, and then the steep downhill was the next part.

We were OK, it is about keeping slow, especially if there are other cars, and using the car's weight and very fine and careful steering, no braking, using the engine to control the car, a bit like when his throttle cable snapped.

We went carefully round the next junction and onto the main central road.
It got slippy there, but few cars were out, we followed a slow 4by4 a lot of the way.

Time went on and on in this silent world of darkness and white, it made me ache, Max plodded, not complaining, as we went slow on the fast road, through ice in the village, and up where the road rises and is guarded by crash barriers. The 4by4 vanished, and we crawled the most dangerous junction in the district, and there were cars everywhere down there.

Now a car was tailgating us, very dangerous in those conditions, and speeding up was dangerous too. We turned towards town and left the cars behind on the white untouched road that skirted town, and on we went, over the rover junctions and very careful on that top one, which is hazardous even in good weather.

Now we were making progress despite the snow and slush.
Up to the lights again, onto the main road, and with no trouble with sliding or cars as we came to the final junction.
And onto the drove, where the snow was deep, thick, treacherous.

Old gritter lorry came zooming by, so we flashed him a thank you. And now we made our way the last bit of the journey, and came to a thankful halt. It took an hour.

You know I wouldn't have done that if it hadn't been an emergency.

Sunday Morning 4am

Good morning peeps,

Well I woke at 3am and made a valiant effort to sleep. I was not sleeping though, nor was I having flashbacks or nightmares, I was simply awake. Not ideal, but it happens.

The wind was howling, and outside, the world had gone white.

I looked over at the farm, the range rover isn't there. Oh dear, I have no doubt the farm lady is alright, but simply couldn't get home, it is handy having a 4 by 4 in this weather, but she probably had to stop somewhere overnight.

I got up about 3.30 in the end, and am at the kitchen table. The local news sites don't have the snow blogs up yet, so I don't know whats happening, but I just walked down to the road, and either way, snow is on the road, so I have a feeling I won't get into town for church today. The gritters do grit this route, but obviously the snow has outwitted them.

I was thinking I left my gloves at home, but Max, with his impressive hat of snow, has a gardening box with gardening gloves in.

It is still snowing now. I went out the back door and there is snow falling in the lamplight and Max all covered in snow.

I only packed lightly for the weekend, I didn't bring saline, and my nose is stuffy, I can make saline but administering it is a different matter.

Believe it or not, those who never go anywhere without them, I have left my smartphone at home, I use a basic nokia for my work phone, due to breaking so many smartphones, and I only have my nokia, and no tablet, so getting photos is going to be more tricky. I was published on the snow blog last time, but I don't reckon I will be this time.

Yesterday I hadn't got much food, but thanks to friends, I had money in my account for the bills and to get some shopping. So I went to the supermarket in town, on Saturdays it is hard to get a parking space, but I did. I got a satisfying bag of shopping, and came home. It was lunchtime by then but I wasn't hungry. The weather was turning bad, high winds and light snow, and I postponed the garden I was due to assess, and got on with the job here that I was saving until Easter, cleaning out the whole of the hen barn.

Now that was quite a job, and the weather became blizzard conditions as I worked, nice to watch, but not nice to push barrows of straw to the field in.
While I worked, the man from the farm texted, he and his wife were on separate business trips, and he wanted me to do the animals if he was delayed by the weather.

The hens were holding an indignation meeting in the shelter in the orchard, because they wanted to be in the barn and I was in their way.
The straw hadn't been delivered, so I scattered a bale of hay at the end that they prefer, and it was all done, a nicely made bed for the hens.

I went indoors to warm up, even though I thought I would have to come back out. But the man from the farm got home early instead of late, and he did the animals.

I came in and there were loads of short reviews to do, and I did four before they were all snapped up. Do you know anyone who comes in from cleaning a barn and goes to work as a writer? It reminds me of that lovely costume drama, with Luke, the boy who the captain wanted to educate, but the lady made him work in the stable, which one was that?

I was tired last night, probably because I did the barn in one, I watched 'Madeleine' a few times and did odds and ends of work, and went to bed early.
I had trouble settling to sleep at all, and it was some time before I slept, I wasn't cold, I was bundled up and had the heating on 15, but I was restless despite being tired.

My friend who has been reviewing part of the book that I am working on as they want me to release it, has sent me a whole list of questions. She was supposed to be travelling today but I don't know what travel will be possible in this.

It's my Birthday Weekend, the Celandines, Gorse and Daffodils are in bloom, and there is thick snow.

The man filled the barn with small logs while I was cleaning the hen barn, so I can do a nice log fire today.

Saturday, 17 March 2018

Saturday Morning

Good morning peeps,

I slept through the night and woke up feeling rested all over. All of me was relaxed. It was very quiet at the cottage, with just the wind and the rain.

I got up quite lazily, and put 'Me before You' on Netflix and am just starting to look at writing projects.

I will have to go and sort out some food before the snow really comes in. Some friends kindly sent me some money, so I can get food and pay the bills.

It is so nice here in the quiet with the bad weather outside. I get to go in the huge shower in a minute. It washes my thick hair very well.

The friends who I was with yesterday want me to give a talk on homelessness and run a writing class and all sorts, but I am a shy sort, so I am not sure.

I did speak to my physio clinic about my concerns, very politely, and they understood. They agreed that in the confusion, I had been placed with the wrong new therapist. I am OK to cancel for now, now that I am re-assessed and referred.

I forgot to say, Happy St. Patricks Day, have a dance to this, Shaz and Michael:

Friday, 16 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

I feel like I have creepy crawlies walking over me, because I had an allergic reaction.

Last night I slept without nightmares, well kind of. I had night terrors and woke with my heart racing and feeling terrified for no reason, no dream.
I woke again at 2.30am, went to the loo, expected to lie awake and suffer, but slept peacefully, had trouble waking and getting up in the morning.

The depression has still been hitting hard, and I couldn't get hold of a new prospective customer to view and discuss gardening, so I worked on writing and sorting out some things to take to the lockup.

Yesterday's articles have all been accepted and rated as excellent, except one which is still waiting.
I had to swap round on articles today and I have one about sports that I can take a few days on if I need to.

Then this afternoon I went over to my friends to celebrate national hot chocolate day a few days early before they go away.

We had a nice afternoon and evening, hot chocolate and cake. And lots of chatting.
Then eventually it was time for me to come home.

Unfortunately my landlady's daughter and her friends had moved themselves in for the weekend to use the flat as a base for their partying and they had sprayed copious amounts of perfume or body spray everywhere, it was really thick and I came out in an all-over rash and started having trouble breathing, you may remember I used to have a lot of allergic reactions like this when I was on the streets and couldn't escape from people's perfume, aftershave and cigarette smoke? Yeah, this was really bad, so I asked the farm if the cottage was free and if so, if I could stay the weekend, they said yes, come on over, so I did. I am sitting here with 'I, Robot' on TV, as if I hadn't seen it enough times, but I like Will Smith.
I am still all over itching but my head and breathing have cleared a bit. My face is swollen. I don't actually have antihistamines with me, but I hope it will go down naturally.

This is an unexpected Birthday treat, being here.
We are forecast some snow tomorrow, which isn't ideal but we shall see. I am viewing this new garden in the afternoon if I can.

The Church of England are saying that they intend to go on being a nuisance. Well so do I, you crooks, so do I, and I feel that I will be a nuisance to you long after I am dead and you are retired, keep that in mind.

Thursday, 15 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

Well again last night I slept without flashbacks and nightmares, I slept through the night and woke this morning feeling very ill and depressed. It was hard to do anything. I had my 5HTP, but I felt so useless.

I forced myself to get on with simple tasks, I did the laundry, cancelled my much-needed haircut as I can't afford it this week, used my remaining small change to get the laundry dried, collected the post, and did odds and ends.

Then I decided the best thing for me would be to take my laptop to a cafe, so I wouldn't be alone, and sit with a coffee and do some writing, before I used what little money I had for some groceries.
Some people would say that I shouldn't spend money on coffee, but to be honest a huge cheap coffee and a few hours in a chattery cafe was the best thing for my mental health, and as I sat there, assignments started flooding in, all 250 word ones and I just sat and completed one after another, and some were reviewed immediately and accepted, the feedback was rating them all as excellent, I was on a roll. I did 9 assignments, mostly in that few hours in the cafe.

Then I got my groceries, I hadn't had lunch, so I came home and cooked chicken and rice, a cheap nutritious meal, and continued the assignments.

The 250 word assignments are all done now, and I have a 350 word from another company.
The one I was trying to finish last night didn't get finished as I was too ill and it had to be in by 9am, so I put it back in the pool, which means another writer did it.
But today I have earned my highest amount of money on content writing so far, although I don't get all that money straight away of course, and it isn't a lot, a new content writer doesn't earn huge amounts.

I am watching Airplane as I write. Well, what else.

I am looking forward to tomorrow afternoon, we have national hot chocolate day a few days early. National Hot Chocolate Day stems back to me being on the streets in Winchester in 2011, I had just enough money to buy myself and a homeless friend a hot chocolate each to celebrate my Birthday, and now every year I have to find people and involve them, my friends are doing a variation on this for me before they go away on holiday. Last year I had a nice tame coffee with a friend and some lunch and lots of people watching, that was good.

You know what the rotten luck is, I have a load of bills due on Monday and as yet not the money, that's just bad luck when your official hot chocolate day is all bills and shortfall.
Still I hope to earn some money that day and possibly walk the dog on the cliffs.

I forgot to give you a weather report. Yesterday morning I woke to a golden sunrise over the sea, this morning to grey rain, and we have snow forecast for the weekend. I will stay home and write at the weekend and build fat snowmen where there shouldn't be snowmen.

Wednesday, 14 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

I feel rough, all round rough. And my eyes keep blurring. I have had conjunctivitis this week, but I fell asleep this afternoon with a cold eye mask to soothe my eyes and head, and now my eyes won't clear.

Last night was astonishingly free from flashbacks and nightmares, I kept drifting to the surface and going 'Where are the flashbacks then?' We Aspies get used to ways of life. But it was like there was a barrier between me and the trauma all night and even when I woke. I did dream, but I was just doing the housework in my dream, and at one point a corrupt judge did wander into my dream but he didn't get in the way of me dragging clothes airers around and cleaning the bathroom.

This morning the main priority was physiotherapy.
I found it very difficult.
The appointment took an hour.
When I got there gave the receptionist the card for my late physiotherapist's family, and it was close to one or another of us starting crying, she said tributes and cards were pouring in.

My new physio is a right fierce little thing, not at all laid back and gentle like the old one. Too stressful.
The first thing she said though was that is was very sad about the other physio's death, and it made her think, because he wasn't old and was in good health, I agreed, it had made me think the same, it could happen to any of us. She said she could still see him sitting there and chatting, and I agreed, it seems impossible that he is gone.

The physio itself was really really difficult. She gave priority to my legs and back, as she could see problems straight away. She said the left kneecap is because the left leg takes the strain from the right leg, do you remember someone saying that to me before? Was it the NHS physios who said that in 2015?

She confirmed that the kneecaps showed that I have the hypermobility disorder previously belatedly discovered by the NHS, and remarked that the usual marker is indeed missing, you know people who can bend their hands and thumbs back and that is how it is usually spotted? I can't bend my hands and thumbs back. But I can bend my elbows.
Elbows, knees, hips, ankles,spine, and oesophagus of course, yes over-flexibility is due to the hypermobility disorder. The spinal extreme flexibility is one of the reasons the NHS didn't realise I had broken my back. She told me to be careful because when bending I find it easier to bend my spine than my knees, my knees give way, but I am putting pressure on the break.

When she got me to walk around, my ankle was giving way as it does, causing the stagger that I have when I have no boots to support me. She examined it all and gave the same views as the walking clinic in 2012, then she taped my ankle, you would be surprised the difference. She asked if I ever wore a support and I told her the support drove me mad, so I wear hiking boots most of the time.

She's a fiend with tape, that lady is, would you believe I am sitting here with not just my ankle and knee taped, but also my lower spine!!! Gah! She's trying to get my leg to straighten a bit.

Anyway, she was concerned because the stagger from sitting to standing doesn't respond to anything or seem to be the ankle, I came to the conclusion a while back that it is the hip or neurological, with an outside chance of being the lower back. The stagger is on the weaker right hand side.

Anyway, she mauled my lower spine a bit. She is a bit puzzled by my case, having suddenly taken it on because of my physio's sudden death, and not being up to speed at all, and being presented with the massive spinal clinic report booklet. She was rapid-firing questions at me and I couldn't cope. I asked her if she had seen on my notes that I have Asperger Syndrome, she had, and I told her that was why I was struggling with her questions.

I found it all really difficult, physical contact is always hard for me, but the recently deceased physio was so skillful that he never caused me any stress, but this new lady is very sharp and hands on and firing questions at me, at the end I told her I am too dissociated to really know what is wrong or that I am in pain until the pain is overwhelming, and she kind of understood.

She didn't do my neck or the lazer treatment, and I had woken this morning in pain and didn't do any management of it because I wanted her to have a look at it. So it was left in pain.

The clinic had done my referral form, so when I got home I emailed the lady who had met me about referral, and she had arranged for the triage person to meet me and do triage.

After physio, I crawled off and died. No, I didn't, I got bread rolls from the welfare and went to the mail handling centre, where all my meds, including my 5HTP, had arrived.

I came home, I was feeling quite tired and ill, I tried to do pain management and put my neck in the machine, but it didn't make much difference. You know I skipped a meal yesterday, wrote that document, and struggled to get the ducks in at the farm, that all triggered it.

The whole physio experience and taking a 5HTP after being off it was too much, I lay down and slept. I woke three hours later.

My right side is numb, my right leg is not managing very well, I think the physio overdid it. I feel pretty rough.

And to make life more depressing, money is low. All that rained off, and tomorrow's gardens have rebooked due to the forecast, all the medicine bills and the physio bill and a redirection order renewal have depleted my funds too much.

I have eggs from the farm so I had better go and do supper before I get on with a 750 word boundary disputes article for a client.
My freelance writing is not bringing in enough money for me to make a living, but it does look as if I am going to have to retire from gardening.
I feel very gloomy, I will go and hide under a bucket.

Stephen Hawkin died, but I wasn't keen on him, especially not after seeing that film. People see him as someone who changed history, and he did have a brilliant mind.

Tuesday, 13 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

I am just drifting on that emerald bay at the moment, this song is about the Great Ship Bay, as you know.

But last night it was Jersey. I was back in Jersey and on the ferries in my dream, and it was a completely comforting and lovely dream. It is always nice to get home again, even only in dreams.

There weren't flashbacks when I woke, I just got up and got on with the paperwork with the DWP.
But something occured.

Maybe drunkface who was insulting me on the other blog wasn't so wrong.

My writing evolved into something else.

I wrote a 14 page summary of the police and church harm to me, it just came out, I couldn't stop it or do anything else, it took a large part of the day.

I didn't eat, and I nearly ended up sick. I did stop and book a hair appointment and drink sugary tea, but I couldn't stop writing.

I was due on farm duties in the evening. And I finished writing in time.
I hadn't eaten. I didn't feel too good, I am not allowed to skip meals.

I went to the farm, the hens were in the barn. I have the dubious joy of clearing that whole barn out at Easter. The hens being in made my job  slightly easier today. They had produced some nice brown eggs too.

But the ducks were a nightmare. The paddock was a swamp, the geese saw me and picked up a water trug and threw it, they really did, but then they lumbered to their hut and yelled 'Hurry up with the corn!'
The ducks were more difficult, the new ones have always been a pain. The new ducks went through the hedge and onto the track, it is brambles and quagmire out there and I had a hell of time getting them in. I was muddy and not pleased.

Duties done, I headed home. I had to stop in town for food. And then home, tucked up in the warm bed, writing this with DVDs and music for company, and thinking about more tea.

Tomorrow I have my physio assessment. I think I will be OK. I didn't get upset when I went to the clinic with the spinal clinic's report on Friday. I will take a condolence card tomorrow.

It is a cold starry night, the air is sweet and smokey. Lovely, but warm bed is the place for the tired me.

Monday, 12 March 2018


Hi Peeps,

Dratted Rain!

I just went did some work at the care home, mainly removing last years planters and starting to prepare the new ones. I would love to know why there was a perfectly good permanent marker in one of the pots.
Anyway, I was rained off.
The maintenance manager at the care home has hurt his foot, and the paths and drives need pressure washing. Ha. Guess who gets to do that? Not yet though, and at least it bumps up my hours.

I went to collect my ink cartridge from mail handling, I can now print all the medical report stuff for the DWP.
I did chicken soup and tiger bread for lunch and now I am sitting in bed and starting my other working day, as a writer, watching Are you being Served? as well, of course.

Last night my dreams were vivid but not really nightmares.

One of my new customers has gone and recommended me, so I now have two to do in succession on Thursday.

On Friday, we are having National Hot Chocolate Day a few days early because my friend will be away on the Monday :) I sent them a piece of work out of one of my books and they found it so funny that I have decided to re-do and re-publish that book under my new brand.

Sunday, 11 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

I was just going to update when I noticed a very nosey Guernsey mooching about on the blog. Go to hell Guernsey. Hell will be good for you bunch of arrogant snobs.

Anyway, normal peeps just ignore that. This morning I woke from relatively comforting dreams, after briefly waking in the night. But the flashbacks started for a while.

I got some writing done before church. Church was Mother's Day, I like how churches treat all women on Mother's Day, and not just mothers. We got chocolate, flowers and gifts :)
It was good.

I came home and did some readybrek with banana and honey as I was really hungry, and then I dozed with DVDs on.

Someone has kicked the police into yelping action, and they yelled 'Oi You!' at me by email, and I told them some very interesting things about their parentage and force. They were burbling about documents, I can tell them where to store those.

I have been getting on with some work, some writing, some various things, and watching films.
I did chicken for tea, and now I have my neck in the heavy machine as it was aching even with the collar on.

Saturday, 10 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

Still battling severe depression and trauma. Unfortunately I ran out of 5HTP, and Amazon accidentally sent me a Top gear DVD instead of 5HTP, which didn't help my depression at all. They have refunded, told me I can keep the DVD, but I have to wait until Tuesday to get the 5HTP now.

I had another night of shallow sleep and depression that could be felt in sleep, or doze.
I woke up dizzy and in pain.

I have been working all day but that makes me achy and depressed. The review I put in yesterday was accepted and published. I am just finishing an article on specialist accounting, trudging through the last of it.

It has been rainy and an unremarkable day, depressed and boring really. Although I have watched Dukes of Hazzard and Airplane, and have been drifting through DYAC to try and cheer myself up.

I spent the last 60p of the week on tumble drying my clothes, my work clothes had to be washed as they were mucky, and it is too wet to dry washing on the line, and I get chest infections from damp, so I took the clothes round to the laundry and got about 7.5 minutes drying time on 60p.

You know I am one of the last people left on DLA, as the government couldn't be bothered to switch me over, and as I need more help now, and because of PIP, they won't upgrade DLA, so I am having to apply for PIP, and the forms are useless. So I am having to gather reports and covering letters and information.

Friday, 9 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

Well I did wake in the night with nightmares and flashbacks but I didn't let myself stay awake, I forced nightmare-filled sleep back into action rather than be exhausted today. I have been tired instead of exhausted.

It was forcast rain, so I didn't have any gardens booked. I went to town to pay in a cheque from my insurers, who admitted their mistakes of a few weeks ago - you know, when I was telling them off.

I paid in the cheque, and I went to my physio clinic to give them a copy of the spinal clinic's report ready for next week. They were very apologetic about the difficulty arranging an appointment and I told them they didn't need to be, the sudden death of my physiotherapist threw them into chaos and grief, well it threw me into chaos and grief too and they knew him so much better.

They had an obituary for him in the paper, and I had read that before I went into town, so I knew they had a collection in his memory, so I gave them all my change. They are accepting condolence cards for his family as well, so I will do one of those. That's a good physio clinic, really caring. They have a really clever photocopier that you can feed a whole report into, and it copies the lot, cool.

The other thing that was in the paper this morning was my letter. The mean old editor did publish it in full while witholding my name and address, he just put a slight barb of his own at the end, but better than expected. I won't say any more about him, I will let you imagine me doing a usual JJ-style response instead.

I went to the welfare, they had tiger rolls, I had forgotten breakfast, so I ate a tiger roll.

The rain set in for the day, so in the end I came home and got on with writing, I completed a review.
And I have been working on blogs and networking.
I did doze off earlier, I hate sleeping in the day but I was so tired.

I have been battling depression and trauma, still no sign of justice or even acknowledgement from the cruel church of england, and they know they have done wrong, and they know I am suffering. Their denial is condemning me and leaving me suffering without justice.

Thursday, 8 March 2018


Good morning peeps,

Well. Some days don't work. Today isn't working.
I have been working, but bah.

Yesterday I went to work and plodded along on that heavy clay, getting covered in muck. I was tending the new orchard and weeding the veg patch, it was too wet and muddy really but it keeps that lady happy.

After work I got a jacket potato and sat up at the viewpoint and ate it.
There were eight ships on the Great Ship Bay.
I wonder where it got it's name?
I named it in 2014, didn't I?

The church are kicking off in their weekly drivel rag again, you know when they are kicking off because Guernsey lands on the other blog and leeches off my suffering. Usually a few others blindly land on my blog as well.

I was tired and went to bed early last night, I don't remember much about my dreams.
I woke sleepily this morning and struggled to boot myself out of bed and into life.
So I didn't get much work done before work.

It was a clear and windy day, quite nice. Would be if I felt better.

But a very annoying day at work.

As you know, the gardening season is waking, and I took on a load of gardens. I can quickly tell if I like customers or can work well for them or not.
I like the people I have worked for this week except the one today.
She isn't very thoughtful. This is a big house and garden, the kind I avoid taking on, oops.

She had arranged to pay me cash, which helps while I am still hand to mouth, most customers pay on the day, cash, paypal or bank transfer. But she had opted for cash when I started.
Today she decided she would pay me by bank transfer, no warning, so I didn't have bank details with me.
So she said she had to go out and I could text her the bank details.

I got on with the work. I work as hard whether customers are there or away, and no-one has any complaints.

When I got home, I texted her the bank details, the reply was from her 'partner' eugh, that this was his phone. She had only ever contacted me on his phone, so I didn't have her number. He gave me her number.  She said she was on her way home and would pay me when she got home.
She didn't.
She didn't pay me until 7pm.
I needed to put the rent through and get food.

She sent a load of stupid texts about how she should be able to leave the gardener alone to work and not worry about it. I explained to her that I should not have to worry about a customer not bothering to give me their correct phone number, not bothering to warn me about a change of payment method, and not paying me.
I really didn't want this job any more. I know I need the money, but my life is miserable enough without working for people who are really selfish.

And I hate seeing older women with property who have a 'partner'. It kind of icky.
I didn't like working there. You may not understand it, and the church will put it down to madness, but if you work for people who don't really care, there is no point. I love my work, even though I am struggling worse and worse physically with keeping the gardening business going. I don't like big house owners who can't treat gardeners as human.

The spine clinic, when they heard that the physio clinic are going to be doing lazer therapy, said that it is not the same lazer therapy as they need to do, but it will ease my pain.
It is funny for someone else to say I am in pain, after years of me denying it because the NHS denied it. Yes, I am struggling. So much that this may be my last gardening season, and I can't bear to think about that.
I worked hard today and came home feeling ill with pain. I had another annoying episode today. I went to look at another garden and the traffic was mad with roadworks, I couldn't find the house, and the traffic wouldn't let me.
We have roadworks, burst pipes, accidents and fires, all over the place, we are in chaos in this district.

Anyway, back home it was more of the same.
I am still building up my writing business and I was waiting for application results from one firm, they sent me an email saying they had my writing sample but not my grammar test, which I had definitely done. So I retook it, a 15 minute online exam, but that was eating into my other writing time, and I have an assignment, a review, and a letter to do.
I passed the grammar.
Then I received an email rejecting me from my application. What?
Then I received another email saying the rejection was in error and would I please retake the grammar and writing sample as the system had deleted me.
I am sure you can imagine my reaction.
I am not proceeding with them. I told them so.

What a day.
I hadn't eaten by 7.30, and I needed to eat, so I got fish and chips, cheer me up, big meal, nothing has worked today, so I will go to bed early and hope for a better day tomorrow.

These bites from Tuesday's garden are huge and raw, I wonder what they had in that stagnant water, vampire mosquitos?

Wednesday, 7 March 2018


Good morning peeps,

Time for me to go and stand under some running water with some soapy stuff. Better do that in the bathroom and not under the gutter, just in case the neighbours object, or like the idea.

I got up at 7am, reluctantly, as the bed was being too comfy and trying to keep me.
It has clean linens, and that tends to make it too comfy.

Yesterday I went to work, I allowed loads of time, but forgot the road was closed, to I had to do the long diversion, and by the time I got there, I was 5 minutes late.
They allowed me to do 4 hours instead of 6, which was a good thing, because heavy gardening is harder for me now, I am getting old, and obviously I was tired from lack of sleep. But I got a lot done, that plot is nearly clear now.

I came home, went to bed, but set the alarm, as one of the content sites I really wanted to join, was to open vacancies at 5pm UK time, I slept shallowly and was shivering when I woke just before the alarm.
A sudden and unexpected fog had come down.
My washing was all on the line and I decided it needed to come in and dry indoors, it was nearly done.

I went to the content site, really keen to join, but the fees are too high for me at the moment, I have to wait until next time, which could be any time, unless they still have openings next week and I scrape the money together for then. They offer full support and training on that site, so my ability as a freelancer would become pretty good, and they have loads of work.

Anyway, I spent the evening working. My 500 word assignment had been accepted, and I have another 800-1400 word one, and a book review to work on.

I slept reasonably well, woke at about 3am again but went back to sleep, mild flashbacks and a nightmare, but I did sleep.

Today I have a garden to go and do. So I had better get going.

Tuesday, 6 March 2018


Good morning peeps,

I am updating now as I intend to go to bed when I get home from work.

I unfortunately woke at 3.30am, and knew that I wasn't going to sleep and that if I lay there, trauma would overwhelm me.

So I got up.

I needed to clean my room, really did, it gets dust bunnies, so I cleaned my room, and did three loads of washing including the bed linens, and I emptied the bins, and hung the washing out, go on with some writing and work to do with building my writing business.
When it was light I cleaned the car and went to the shops for some groceries and stuff for today's lunch.

I am so tired now, I am supposed to be doing six hours of garden clearance, but we have had a heavy rain shower, and I am wondering if they will let me do four hours anyway.

I am still somewhat shocked by yesterday's news, it is hard to believe.

The other thing of course is although Emma said nothing is happening in Jersey, the stats are so high, especially Jersey police or safeguarding (what a joke) partnership viewing this blog, that only happens when something is wrong.
Let me just leave a message for them. You fatherless, sadistic, life-destroying bastards, I scream in nightmares because of what you have done, and will for the rest of my life.

Monday, 5 March 2018



Absolutely stunned.

I had just been to a very helpful coffee and chat with my friends, with the aim of breaking the cycle of trauma and flashbacks, as they are very learned on the subject as well as being close and trusted friends, who have read my story.
I came home, my inbox was stuffed to bursting with emails, and I was working through them.

I had been trying to arrange the physio appointment for my referral, and apparently they intended to start the lazer treatment then as well, but there had been problems arranging my appointment due mainly to the changes in everyone's schedules since my physio was taken ill.

There was an email from the physio clinic.

I am stunned.

The email read 'I know you got on very well with *****(my physio) so I am sorry to tell you that he sadly passed away last week...'


He must have died during the bad weather. It isn't in the local announcements yet.

I am stunned. I know he was only my physio but he wasn't old and he was extremely fit and healthy, I was always as usual embarassed by my fat when I went to physio, but he was all trim and lean, like physios and medical peeps usually are. I am not saying that because I found him attractive, but because I was always self conscious. He treated me with utmost respect, which after the NHS, was quite remarkable to experience.

He was a black-haired, cheerful man, a bit older than me, and lively and upbeat, very skilled indeed and I was never afraid of him or bothered by physical contact, he and I would chat away as he tortured me.
I knew he was in hospital, I had no idea he was gravely ill, and I didn't expect his death, so I am stunned. It is very rare for me to bond, feel safe with and even look forward to seeing, a medical professional, but he was a great physio, and it is thanks to him that I know the extent of my spinal injuries. He restored some of my self-esteem.
I hope his family are alright, I know he was married because he asked me about my use of the online doctor service for medical appointments as he had told his wife about it and she was tired of waiting a long time to see an NHS doctor. Round here it takes about 2 weeks to get to see an NHS doctor, which is really bad. I think his wife was interested to try the online doctor service, especially when she heard how low the price is for the quality of service.

OK, it is sinking in as I write, my lovely physiotherapist has died. I am glad I praised his work while he was alive.
His colleagues have been due to take over and do lazer work on my spine and complete the referral, as well as having a look at my ankle and knee as they are becoming an issue again, so I will be seeing them within the next week.


Last night I handed in the review I was doing.
I slept through the night peacefully and dreamed very happy dreams about church and my friends, I woke and overrode any flashbacks before they started.

I had a letter to write first thing, to the paper, about a news story, shut up church of england, this is nothing to do with you. Really, it isn't, you silly sods.

Anyway, I put the computer on, to the news that yesterday's review was accepted overnight and I was being asked by the author to also do a brief review on Amazon, which I did, Amazon reviews are short, a few lines. I wrote my letter afterwards.

Then I showered and dressed and went to do some work.

I took some herbs given to me by the community garden, and made up a planter for the care home. I mooched around at the care home, odds and ends and the planter.

I came home for lunch, chikkin soop and bread.
I was online as I ate, and a load of small articles came up for grabs, 50-100 words each. I have done a number of these before, and they do well.
I grabbed one, wrote it quickly and submitted it, in the hope of grabbing another before they all went, but they had all gone.
Still anything that tops up my earnings is cool.

It was raining now, and my friends were expecting me for the afternoon.

I headed over there, and we talked and talked, and drank hot chocolate and coffee, and talked some more. They are very good. I am blessed.

Eventually I came home, to the stunning news.

I will write from my bed office for the evening, I think, with Frank Drebin amusing me on the DVD.

I have busy week, but with the rain happily threatening to derail it all.

I do not know why, but I have been absentmindedly panic buying milk, never done this before, four bottles in the fridge and two in the freezer!

Sunday, 4 March 2018


Good evening peeps,

It has been a funny old day.

I had another really bad night with through-the-night flashbacks that started last night.

I woke up into flashbacks and severe depression and trauma, I am out of 5HTP as the snow delayed the delivery, so I couldn't drug myself. The depression and trauma have lingered and I am not feeling good. It is one of those times when there is nothing to make it better and I feel so useless.

I have been working on writing and building the writing business, sometimes it gets tiring and my eyes ache. I finished a review and handed it in, and did other things. 

The weather has been mild, I was hot when I went for my walk and things. I am struggling to walk. 
The sea was lively and fun to watch.

It has felt like a useless day, even though I have plodded through some work, and watched Lesley Neilsen and My Parents are Aliens to try and cheer myself up.

Saturday, 3 March 2018


The Church of England drivel through their rag paper on Fridays, so the blog stats go up sharply for me on Fridays and weekends.

I slept through the night, although there were flashbacks in there somewhere.
I woke to a grey dawn at 6.30, I hadn't set the alarms, but I woke then, and rather than go into flashbacks, I got up.

I looked out the window, and I couldn't tell if the black pavements were black because of ice or thaw, until a carer trotted confidently by on her way to the nursing home, she was wearing soft carer shoes and she wasn't slipping or nervous, so I decided it was thawed. The thaw started last night, it rose above freezing, and water was running down the road, a few cars crept through, after the road had been impassable all day.
And this morning, the thaw was well under way. I put my jumper and jeans and boots on and walked down to the sea, a lot of the ice is gone, a significant amount of snow is gone, the wind is still strong but not so bitter, there is mist over the sea and hills.

I had a walk around, and came back. I was quite warm when I came back, but as soon as I was in the office and working, I started to feel a bit cold.

I am working on a review.

Yesterday was quite a day. I ventured out briefly, the whole area was thick ice, road, pavements, everything, very dangerous.
Anyone out was shouting about skis and spiked boots.

I walked carefully down to the sea, there was an abandoned car on the seaward, someone couldn't get out of skidding and left the car there, hazardous, if any other cars or emergency services went that way, but no traffic was moving down there.
On the front, the road was clear from under Eastern Hill to Town. Although the path was a bit slippery still. In town a team were keeping everything clear, the shops were mainly trading as normal despite the transport chaos. I got milk and the paper, there was no panic buying here, locals are very calm people.

I walked back, the ice was so bad, and no-one had reported on our area really, so I did photography.

On the way back, a man was stupidly trying to go up onto our road even though it was impassable, I shouted 'reverse!' because he was going to slide and hit things otherwise, and two girls closer to the car repeated the message, he was abusive to them, then a group of lads walked over and offered to help push him out of difficulties, but he was abusive to them as well.
He couldn't get the car onto our road and he had to slide back.
We all remarked the stupidity of it, because yesterday and the day before, no-one should have been driving except if they really had to, and no-one in their right mind would try to climb the hill roads with the ice on them. A number of cars have simply been destroyed this week by people thinking they knew better.

When I got home I emailed the local news sites with my report and pictures, and I was chuffed to be published. I was chatting to my friend on email and I told her she knew a famous person now. The lovely thing about my Christian friends is that they know that there are better things than fame and fortune, and that brushing shoulders with a 'famous person' is nothing special really as we are human and God is God. I know that too.

Anyway, after that short and dangerous venture out, I stayed home as I had a 500 word article to research and write, and so I did that.
In the evening as I was working and also bidding for jobs on my secondary work site, that lists jobs and you bid for them, ie experience and qualifications and how much you would charge, you compete against other writers. I was surprised to be messaged by one of the companies that I had bid to.

I have only been using the site for a week, so I am a newbie among thousands of very competitive writers, and on average it takes 35 bids to win a contract, and I haven't done 35 bids yet, so I was impressed to be considered for work.

Anyway, they interviewed me briefly and were satisfied with that, and they asked me for a 250-300 word specific sample by the end of the day.
They are a broker, so they use the site to sub-contract work out. But they have a lot of work to sub-contract.
The only problem is, their wage is well below even my bottom rate.

But I have to think in terms of buildup as a new freelance writer, which has enough benefits.
Each bit of work \I complete is reviewed and builds my reputation and presence, and work is work, money is money, the same as doing sub-contract in gardening, same thing, it is work and money.

So I completed the article I was doing for the other site and I did my sample, 300 words. And handed it in, it was due to review today, and it has gone to their recruiting manager.

Now I am working on a book review. I have read the book, drafted the review, and am now consolidating the draft.