This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Saturday, 30 January 2016


Hey peeps.

Well just a brief catch up.
I don't feel well, maybe because I haven't eaten since this morning, how silly, time to cook.

Yesterday I had swim and gym and watched Hollyoaks and things, then my mum phoned and we talked for ages, but then I couldn't sleep for ages.
Then this morning I did the papers in the wind and rain, and then watched some rubbish on tv while I went through my normal routines.

Then I have been over at my mate's house watching DVDs but he forgot to get any food, so I have been shopping and haven't actually cooked yet.

Life feels a bit odd since my friend died, it is only a short time ago that she was still around and smiling and talking to me, so I am not sure what to do.

Friday, 29 January 2016


Hi peeps,

Just to say that I will not be online much for at least the next few days and that is nothing to worry about.

As you may have read, my friend died a few days ago and I do feel lost and confused but I am just keeping my routines as normal as possible and getting on with life.

Yesterday I soaked the shower curtain in bleach and hot water, because that needed doing, and I handed in a completed assignment, and I went to athletics, because they ran a catch up session for the four of us who couldn't make it on Wednesday.
Four of us ran and three of us completed the run, and I was second out of us three who ran.
So I am perfectly happy with that, because I had been joking with the trainer about snails and tortoises overtaking me.

I managed to get the television aerial point to work with a bit of amateur electrical work, well I have watched other people doing that kind of thing, but anyway, it means I have tv, and I watched Doc Martin last night until I slept.

This morning I woke tired and peaceful, and my mate texted me at 6am again to make sure I was OK and could cope with the day. Well yes, I am kind of OK, I am kind of not OK, because I can't focus, I keep going looking for someone or something that isn't there and getting frustrated because I can't find what I don't know what I am looking for.

I am also having showers of flashbacks about Fisher and her police, which makes it even harder to focus.
However, I have been studying this morning, a bit, in between wandering off.
And, I managed to accidentally pick up a distribution contract as well. Haha, gotta stop doing that.

The weather has been wild, and I stopped on the cliff when I was doing the papers this morning but although the sea was wild, the tide was out.
I am going to walk over to the sea in a few minutes.

I am also going to do a good old gym and swim very shortly.

Tomorrow I will go over to my mate's house and watch a DVD with him.
Apart from that, I will blog again as and when I can and don't worry, the silence isn't ominous.
My Mum texted to say she would phone me tonight, I asked what time and she said 8.80pm,
yeah, cheers Mum!

Thursday, 28 January 2016

Thursday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well I was tired last night so I just went to bed as normal.

And I slept pretty much as normal. In fact my sleep was peaceful, and I didn't take my bite guard out during the night.

But it was strange because for some reason, I turned the lamp on during the night, and I barely remember doing it and don't remember why, I just remember something woke me and I thought it was morning and I switched the lamp on, but I hadn't switched the alarm off, thankfully.
While the lamp was on, I drifted in sleep and dreams, and still kept waking to look at the clock and be puzzled that it wasn't morning and the lamp was on.
I know the lamp was off when I went to sleep, and I am curious about having switched it on in my sleep but not having taken my bite guard out in my sleep like I often do.

I dreamed peacefully of the Channel Islands and some old friends.
And I woke to my mate texting me to make sure I was OK, just before the alarms started.
It was all rather strange and different but peaceful.

I went out to do the papers but the car was frosted over, and icy frost too, so I de-iced and did the papers.
I went to stand on the cliff and look at the sea in the dark, the moon was out, we have had lovely full moon and clear starry skies recently.

I still feel peaceful, but sad.
This is a normal neurotypical reaction to a death, I think.
What I found hard was that my friend made an effort to be OK for Christmas and has been sleeping most of the time since then, but I hadn't heard anything from her family for weeks and was reluctant to contact them but kind of waiting for any news was too hard. They said it was family only in those last few weeks, and I respected that.

The darkness of the early mornings is beginning to decrease slightly now, the burds are making a joyful racket at the moment. I feel like sleeping or driving, but I must complete my assignment.

Wednesday, 27 January 2016

wednesday evening

Hey peeps,

Well today I feel a it like I do when the church attacks, confused and unsure what to do.

It started difficult with me being tired from being out last night, then I have just struggled, rain, floods and roadworks prevented therapy.
so that was a bad start, I just have felt very much in relapse today, physically and mentally I have felt wrecked.
The weather was so bad I thought running would be cancelled but I asked for an alternative due to feeling so rubbish, and I will train tomorrow evening.
I got a small amount of work done but was too tired.
I watched Hollyoaks and it was depressing.

My electric meter started playing up.

I continued to work on my assignment, which is due in by midday tomorrow.
Then I got the phonecall about my friend.
And it has been rather confusing and hard to concentrate since then.
I have been talking to my adoptive mother, who is quite a distance away and ill with a cold, and another friend closer nearby.
I am tired, I will go to sleep at some point.
Sister act is on on E4 so I am vaguely watching it.

The Phonecall

Well the phone rang this evening,
I looked at it,
I knew, 
so I didn't answer

What is the point of hearing?
I already knew 
I felt that you had gone
no one needed to say anything

It was raining earlier
as I passed your home
all the cars were there
but I didn't drop in
out of respect for your family's needs

I can't write any eloquent poetry,
every day after Christmas
you surprised me by going on living
but we said goodbye that day before you deteriorated further
and slept most of the time

And my memory of you in the end
was that lovely Christmas day
sitting beside your bed
helping you unwrap your gifts
because your hands had no strength left
but we were happy

Even that day
you were telling me you were there for me
but that we both had our limits
you knew how I had been hurt in the past

You never ever hurt me or overstepped my boundaries
we never fell out or had a cross word
I remember the sunlight on the cliffs
as I walked to meet you peacefully at the end of a day's walking

I remember us sitting at the viewpoint
with our ice creams
and we watched the ships on the sea
and just talked
and that is what friendship looks like
isn't it?

Are you really dead?
or will I wake up when you ring me
and ask first of all how I am,
you worried about me sometimes
when I was sick
even when you got so much more ill than I am

I couldn't stop you worrying and caring
but I accepted it as part of our friendship
and no guilt from the church could change
our care for each other from being genuine 
 a friendship that their damnation of me 
could never change

The best days were when we were out in the garden
you would bring a tray of tea and make a fuss
about my work and my life
and I would ask how your day had been 
we always had something to talk about
without any sadness or distress, usually laughter

I remember when you weren't as used to my humour
as my parents are,
so when I forgot I was with you and not them
and suggested cannabis as a hanging basket plant
you looked at me 
but I just laughed and laughed
and you did too

you supported me through everything
as I rebuilt my life
and it wouldn't have been possible without you
what more can I say?

Goodnight love,
sleep tight.




Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I weighed in good at the diet and fitness place, then I came home and grabbed a quick supper of tasty spicy quorn paella.
Then I went out in the wind and the rain for a pleasant evening out with my friend.
We enjoyed the evening but I didn't get back home until 11pm which is late for me.
Driving home through the rain and wind was daunting when I was tired, but Florence stopped hiccuping as she had nortily been doing, and drove smoothly and quietly as the wind blew the rain almost horizontal over the roads in the quiet dark.

I slept well, with a strange chaotic dream about some old friends.

I woke having slept well but reluctant to extract myself from the warm bed. The mattress topper is making my body less painful but my head and neck are still not wonderful with the new pillow, although, to be fair, it is better than bundling old pillows together to try to support my neck without hurting it.

Anyway, so it was a yawning 6.45 when I got to the paper shop, the boss was cheerful, he said one of my customers was very happy with getting their paper so early, so the boss gave me a chocolate bar.
I am allowed the occasional chocolate bar, and it has less calories if it is a gift anyway.

So I did the papers in the still wild weather.
Then I came back here to catch up with Hollyoaks on E4 catchup online, seeing as I was out last night.

Oh Holloaks! what a devastating episode! Oh no!
That was as devastating as it was possible to be. I was nearly in tears, oh poor Jack sobbing at the end. No, that was singularly the most upsetting and emotional episode ever.
To be honest, I would have been happier if they hadn't woken Jade up, just kept the dream as reality.

Anyway, I have another too-busy day today, I have therapy, as long as it hasn't been cancelled due to the weather and the inaccessibility due to roadworks etc, one way or another, it is looking tricky.
 And I have athletics, also weather-dependant, and to be honest, I wouldn't mind too much, as I also have some work to do, an assignment to finish, and a tutorial.

The weather remains wild, with flooding in places.

Tuesday, 26 January 2016


Good lunchtime,

Well yesterday I was working on this assignment most of the time.
My new mattress topper arrived, so I fitted that.

In the evening I went to what I thought was a meeting about delivery driving, it turned out it wasn't with the company who gave me the trial, it was with another company with a similar name, and I had been expecting to work immediately but they didn't need me to start straight away, so I went for a drive, and did some shopping and went to the gym.
I was supposed to have time off from gym, but I went to ask again if anyone had handed in my beloved missing jumper, and it turned out they had, I knew I had left it there!
So I did a gym session, quite a challenging cardio and added another 25 reps to my lateral pulldown so I did 125 reps there.

Then I came home and caught up with Hollyoaks online and went to sleep.

I woke up feeling the benefit of the mattress topper but still feeling a bit ill, so I did the papers, was back by 6.45 and went back to bed until 11am.

I have been down to the sea, the waves are smashing over the wall :)
Florence already had a wash this week.

The wind and rain are picking up now, and I have to drive 8 miles to town tonight to escort my mate to a show, I don't look forward to being out in the weather but I look forward to seeing the show with my mate.
I also intend to go to diet and health tonight before that, and I had a weigh this morning and it is really good.

I really must get on with this assignment, it is half-written but quality is what matters.

Monday, 25 January 2016

Monday morning

Good morning peeps,

The computer is playing up today

Well yesterday I had an extended workout at the gym and, sat by the sea for a while and then watched the Hollyoaks omnibus.
I couldn't find the communal hoover, so during the advert breaks, I swept the carpet bit by bit, and mopped the floors. I also peeled and chopped potatos and carrots for lunch.

After Hollyoaks I wiped the surfaces and made lunch, fish with roast potatos and four kinds of veg, washed down with zero coke.

I washed Florence and checked her oil and water and topped up the windscreen wash.

Then I watched Home Alone 2, and started my university work, preparing this assignment that is due in this week.
And then I watched the big bang theory as I continued my work and did a lot of paperwork too.

I slept quite well last night, but I dreamed my friend had died but even though she was dead, she was everywhere I went, and my adoptive mum was there too to comfort me.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had slept well, and I was wide awake before the alarms, so I got up and had my cuppa and went to do the papers, so I was home by 6.30.

That meant I had time to get a shower and breakfast and start my supplementary university work before taking the washing to the laundry at 8am.

The washing is on and I am still ploughing through university work, one more module and then all I have to do today is get on with the assignment and also do some distribution work and go to see the people this evening about the delivery driving job.

Wow, I need a few minutes of drifting and not focussing at all, have a good day, peeps.
Quorn sausages with beans for lunch, anyone want to come over?

Sunday, 24 January 2016


Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I went to the gym, all I did was some resistance stuff really, leg and stomach press, lateral pulldown and treadmill on level 25, which is like walking up a steep slope.

My new pillow arrived, and what a crazy amount of packaging.

And I spent most of the day working on an assignment and studying, yay.

In the evening I got a call from the people who kind of kept me as a reserve driver, they want to take me on as a driver. yay! I have to see them tomorrow evening. That has confused things with the freelance distribution work I have taken on, but the delivery driving is a better bet.

Anyway, so I tried out my new pillow but it hasn't really helped, I hope that when I get the mattress topper so my whole spine is better supported, it may be more beneficial then.

My dreams were chaotic but I woke into flashbacks, my flashbacks have been constant recently.

I got up and did the papers, it is a mild and damp morning.
The gym isn't open yet, but I hope to do my running routine again on the treadmill and a mild weights workout. To be honest I shouldn't do gym today but who cares? I may swim today as well, and then tomorrow I will have a total rest from exercise, unless I cycle round some distribution work or bike along the seafront, which would be nice.

Today I will focus on assignment work as well. And a quick hoover and mop, I am trying to have a quieter day as I seem to be doing a lot at the moment.

Saturday, 23 January 2016

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Good morning,

Yesterday I enjoyed an extended and hard gym session, part of what I did was I followed next week's running routine, only on the treadmill, it was harsh and I can still feel it, and it will be even harsher on the running track. But because I am changing my diet and fitness venue and day, I may start doing repeat runs on Monday nights.

Yesterday evening I did some work, and also watched Hollyoaks online.Hollyoaks has been a bit dramatic, with Trevor's return and his subsequent near-death, probably at Ben's hands, and then Jade's hospital results and then Mrs St.Claire's obvious crush on Jean-Paul after he resolved things. But Trevor's flashbacks when Jade and Alfie were doing their Bottle Rocket was the most dramatic, it reminded me so much of my flashbacks.
Those of you who don't know, I like Trevor even though he is a monster, but I think it is unfair that he settled to run the club and raise his family and now he has been going through all this.

Well, I was having flashbacks or premonitions last night, it has been a few months since the Church of England trashed my life, and they usually do it in the run up to a General Synod, so I wouldn't be surprised.
So, as you will see if you read the other blog, I was being creative when I should have been asleep :) How norty.

This morning I sleepwalked my way to the papershop and zombied peacefully round my round, then I had to go and pick up my meds, including a new med that may or may not work miracles. I am glad to have a new Fostair inhaler, I had run out and I really need my lungs these days.

I am hoping that today or in the next few days, I will get a delivery of a mattress topper and an orthapedic pillow. I asked an osteopath's advice on pillows as my neck is so sensetive that I can't stand a firm pillow which would support my neck and a soft pillow isn't going to support my head. The advice I was given is that this is a well known problem and there are special soft-ish pillows available that provide enough support for those of us with such necks.
I sleep each night but I am not comofortable.

Anyway, this morning I had the delight of seeing the Church of England making fools of themselves, as they periodically do!

I have been watching Hollyoaks this morning and also went shopping. I can now recommend Hummus chips as tasty healthy vegetarian snacking :)

My basket of shopping was so different from the old days on benefits and not able to watch what I ate because I just needed to eat whatever I could afford.
Old Days: reduced label anything that would do as a meal - old bread, pizza, sugar so that I could have tea with sugar in even when there was no food but it didn't matter what I ought as long as it had been reduced in price to a point where I could buy it.
These Days: (today): canderel tablets, small wholemeal loaf, skim milk, vegeterian gluten free snacks, Linda McCartney Vegetarian sausages, fry-lite, vegetables :)

The weather is kind of undecided today after yesterday's rain and wind.
I am having a lazy day, I am aching so no gym today.

Friday, 22 January 2016


Good morning,

Well I slept quite well and woke up to a windy, rainy day.

Before doing the papers I had various emails and office things to do, but there is no hurry, I have between 6am and 7.30 to turn up at the shop for my papers, unlike when I was doing the rural routes and had to be there, at the other end of the bay, for 6.30. I normally get there for 6.30ish, but this time I was a bit later, and it was local paper day, but no hurry.
I was back here by about 7.25, having stopped for food and coins for the electric meter on the way.
I have been getting through a lot of electricity recently in the cold weather, just trying to keep myself and the flat warm.

So here I am in a clean and tidy flat, it is getting light and the wind and rain continues.
I have gym and maybe swim this morning, I am always trying to figure out what causes relapses and I am worried that swimming may be a factor. I used to have bad relapses when I swum regularly, so maybe it asks too much of my body.
Yesterday was a relapse day, everything I tried to do was like swimming in treacle, so I was on painkillers and 5HTP.
In the evening I went to the gym just to get out of the house, and I did 10 minutes on the treadmill.
And I have been catching up with Hollyoaks online as I am still without a television.

I gather that the church of england are deciding for us whether or not we should be in the EU, I think as non-church of england people are in a massive majority now, we should decided if the church of england should stay in the UK, I mean, Jersey is the waste bin for their clergy, Jersey is a rich finance industry place, so why don't we deport the church of england to the channel islands? Then they won't have to worry about the EU.
Isn't it funny that Senator Gorst thinks he has any right to speak about the EU? Jersey isn't in the EU, and you get all those furious Jerseymen spluttering about England being a foreign country and forgetting that they use our hospitals and other facilities with impunity.

ranting? :)

Thursday, 21 January 2016

Thursday morning

Good morning peeps,

I am loving getting back so early from the papers. There is no pressure for me to get there and do the papers early but it is almost automatic, I set out about 10 minutes later than when I was doing the rural routes and I can be back by 7.05 or so.
I went to bed early but had a restless and painful night, this is called ' a relapse' at the moment, while I am ill and tired and not sleeping well, but it is not severe as I was OK on the running track yesterday.

I hardly remember my dreams, chaotic and meaningless but I woke early, one alarm wasn't going off, and funnily enough that woke me up to wonder why.
A dead battery.

I got up, painful but not sleepy.

I was quickly dressed and combed and ready to go, and outside there was no frost, it was milder, cloudy and damp, but I had taken the bike keys, not the car key, and I am driving the round for the moment, so I had to nip back for the car keys.

The man on the radio said that the discrepancies in temperatures were strange today, coast areas are warm and inland and mainland is very cold.

Well, lucky us, it is not too cold at last. I don't mind the cold but I can't heat the flat very well and although it isn't freezing, while I am ill I can't find the energy to cope with the cold.

Anyway, so I got through the papers very quick, and on the last few, I stopped on the cliff and looked at the incoming tide in the dark and the lights on the front and down the hill and noirmont all dark with the little warning light beaming. You can see the French coast this morning, a string of beads lit up.
The sky was split into dark cloud one half and lighter cloud allowing the dawn to start showing on the other half.

I came home and I am sitting here looking out into the still dark and damp streets, down to the ships' lights on the sea and listening to 'Blue Wonderful', I have so much study and stuff to do but it is hard to be motivated at the moment.

My blood pressure has dropped so much that I haven't been able to take Ramipril this week or my blood pressure would drop too low, it's really strange.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been considering this Elton John song during the day, and at first I didn't like the video because I didn't feel comfortable with the way the pretty, tastefully dressed girl was moving, but actually, watching the whole video, I understand it more and more, I guess it means something to me. I don't always approve of Elton John but he is a great artist and I do like this song and video and what it reminds me of.
It's funny, one of my Jersey songs was 'Passengers' but not because of the wierd video.
But this is my newest favourite song:

Anyway, I was heading out of the house to therapy this morning but my landlady was here and she tried to fix my television and the aerial unsucessfully.
So I was running late heading for therapy and the road was closed :(
The diversion didn't work, so I got to therapy late, which was a stress, but the hospital asked if me and my therapist could talk about my stress levels, so that was an ideal start point!

Therapy was good, and then I went and collected my new glasses. At last!
They are OK, they need tightening slightly but they are so clear compared to the others and they look a bit better too.

I came home and did some lunch and waited for someone to come and see me, a team leader was to visit me about self-employed work, and by the time she got here, I was nearly readyty to leave and go to the running track, so we had a rushed but successful meeting. I will be working for her.
And then I headed for running, not really prepared and not feeling wonderful. But I managed it!
I have completed week 3! It's 3 of 9 now but there are repeat options, and by the time we get to week 5, I will probably have to repeat weeks.

I came home cold and shivering and tired and forgot to do my blood pressure, the machine throws a fit when I try to measure it after running anyway.
But then I had online tutorials straight away, no time for hot showers or sorting myself out, so I sat and shivered through tutorials.
I think I will go to bed now, I have lived enough for one day.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well this morning I had expected the frost to be worse than yesterday, as the forecasters were gloomily forecasting it.

But after a restless night I stumbled outside to de-ice Florence, and she wasn't too bad, well she was frozen over, but easier to de-ice than yesterday.
And the air wasn't as cold as yesterday, and the pavements weren't as white.
I got the round done in record time and here I am, in bed and typing.

The Church blog statted high last night because people were quoting my statement all over twitter, thanks guys :)

Yesterday as I drove back along the cliffs, this rare new Elton John song came on, and I like it, I am adding it to my sound track of now:
The advert before the song tends to be horrible metal, and I am not sure about the video but I like the song.

It occured to me that Elton John does a lot of songs about colours. Another of his sound track of my life now is 'Tiny Dancer'  and one of the only Jersey songs that reminds me of the churchwarden is 'goodbye yellowbrick road':

There are a whole load of other songs by Elton John with colours in. He obviously finds it a good song subject.

Today I have therapy, and running track this evening if I feel up to it, I do feel a bit better.

Tuesday, 19 January 2016


Good evening peeps,

Today has been a waste of a day and I am going to bed soon.

I feel tired and ill, as far as I know this is another relapse. So I will just have to weather it, and speaking of weather, the flat is too cold.
I did the papers this morning, Florence was iced over but I have more de-icer now, I was home from the papers by 7.10am.
And I did have a study breakfast but apart from that and making good progress with the council and Student support regarding my financial and study difficulties, I have had a wasted day as I have been too tired to do much, and too depressed.

I did go up onto the cliffs this afternoon, and the sun was bright on the sea, too bright, I have felt worse with the bright sunlight.  I enjoyed a pot of tea while I watched the sea.
The thing that amused me was the paddleboarders on St. Ouen's.
If you can't surf, just give it up, you look silly standing on a surf board with a paddle.

I am wearing my thermal vest now and warming up, but I think a hot shower and bed are the only real options.

Tomorrow I have therapy and athletics if I am fit.

Monday, 18 January 2016

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been busy, hence not catching up on the blog.

Yesterday I continued with assignment work while watching various programmes until I needed some exercise, so I went and did an extended gym workout.
Then I caught up with all my pen pal letters and went to bed early.

This morning was cold and wet when I woke up, I had been dreaming about the Channel Islands again, these dreams are all similar and all sad.

I did the papers quickly and came home.
Once I was home it was all busy.

I got all the bed linen and mats and towels, bath robes and anything that needed a wash, and took it all to the laundry.

Then I posted a huge heap of letters.
While I was at the post office I got coins for the electric meter as it was growling hungrily again.
Then I did the household and toiletries shop at the pound shop.

Then I went to gym and swim, yes my first swim in ages.

Then I had a load of paperwork to do and post to do with student finance and DSAs.

I collected the laundry on the way home, put clean bed linen on the bed, did the housework, and continued with my supplementary university work.
Then I went to my diet and fitness group.
I have put on half a pound, oops.
I will soon lose that.
 I may be swapping to going to a very local diet and fitness group two minutes walk from my house soon, that may be better for me.

Anyway, I was supposed to be at tutorial this evening but they changed the room and I couldn't find it, I bet no-one turns up!

I am having television problems, I think my normal tv has blown a fuse, and the other one refuses to get a signal, but I am tired so I don't care. One of my neighbours is an electrician so I will ask him about it.

I think an early night is a very good idea now.

Sunday, 17 January 2016

An interview with HG

1 When did you learn to ride a bicycle? How old were you?
I learned to ride a bike when I was 8 years old, later than my siblings due to undiagnosed dyspraxia.
2 Did you go to any course on hand signals / road signs?
I actually did a course on road safety and cycling proficiency when I was about 10 years old, against my parents' wishes as it involved contact with the outside world and authorities.
3 Do you give your bikes a name?
No, not normally, although the Blue Bike was originally called Rebecca, I just call it the Blue Bike.
4 How old were you when you passed your driving test?
I was in my early 20s, my problem was not driving but fear or driving instructors, so when my placid old landlord sold me his old car and sat with me as I drove it around, that solved the driving problem.
5 Was it in England or Jersey?
6 Did you have lessons, (how many) and how many goes before you passed?
Someone paid for a few lessons for me before I took my test, and it was money well spent. 
7 Which is the most tricky part of driving? Reversing into a space backwards between two cars, reversing into a sideways space between two cars, or something else?
Ah, the dreaded three point turn :)
8 What’s the fastest speed you have driven?
Too fast. But I never speed now, it is a sin according to the Catholic Faith.
9 What kinds of cars have you driven? Did they all have names? What were the names?
Yeah, Ok, my cars have names. I can't remember the first few, but Anna was the most significan one, named after my old friend Anna, the one who taught me to love music. Anna lasted for years, Warrior was her brief replacement before I was homeless, and now Florence has taken Anna's place. 
Mostly my cars have been Peugeot, and that is what I prefer, the other two were a Rover Metro and an Austin Metro and they were both rather rubbish and didn't last long.
10 How do you decide what name to give a car?
I have never really thought about it, Anna was always Anna, Warrior was Warrior because he was a boy car, Florence was named for me, she came to me as Florence.
11 What’s the furthest you have ever driven?
Probably Hampshire to Scotland or Around New Zealand, although I was sharing the driving that time.
12 Do you drive cars with gears or automatic? Which you usually drive, have you ever tried the other?
I drive geared cars, I have been offered automatics here and there but to be honest, I am fine with gears, no need to change while I am young and strong, and geared cars are cheaper and simpler to fix.
13 If you could be given any car for free, which car would you like? And why?
Ah, just a little Peugeot would do for me, something like Florence but younger so less repairs.


Good lunchtime peeps,

I had a quiet day yesterday.

Florence was covered in frost again in the morning, and my de-icer ran out so I used a card to de-ice her. I did the papers quickly but when I got home, I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 1pm!
I obviously needed to catch up on sleep, or rather, when I go anywhere like to see my parents, it uses more energy than I have.

Anyway, so when I got up, I had a wash and sort out, and did some housework.

Then I decided to go out and do a shop at the big supermarket and then go to the gym.
Unfortunately things got diverted. Or I did.

As I drove down the hill, I realised the traffic was quite heavy and slow. It was taking ages.
Then I saw the flashing blue lights.
We were diverted off at the junction, and there is no short cut through, so I decided to enjoy a bit of a drive.
It turns out, the road closed because of one of two suicide attempts in the area. January is a grim time, isn't it?

Anyway, so I drove round, got to the supermarket later by the scenic route and did a big shop.
But by the time I got to the gym, it was closed :(

The rest of the evening was spent relaxing, watching tv and reading.

Then this morning I woke from a very vivid and sad dream about the channel islands again.
I did the papers, and the weather is slightly warmer but not much, but it was raining so I didn't have to de-ice Florence.

I meant to go to the gym when I got home, but I was procrastinating, and then it was the Hollyoaks Omnibus and I cooked a roast as well. So I will go to the gym a bit later.

Chez Nortyperson has cooked a new roast today: Quorn pork steaks, roast potatos with garlic, herb and salt topping, on a bed of Philadelphia light, with carrots and broccolli. Washed down with Shloer light.
Can anyone do better than that?

Friday, 15 January 2016


Good evening,

Well I am sitting in bed, all cozy and tired.

last night I slept well but I dreamed of the Channel Islands, where I am not at the moment.
The dream was vivid and a bit sad, but I woke up relaxed and peaceful.

I got up, earlier than usual, because today I got some money, and with no petrol in Florence and only 70p in the electric meter and a lot of other things needing doing, I thought I would get started.

Florence was frozen in the frost, and when I started her and ran the engine I remembered there wasn't much petrol, so I just sprayed her with de-icer and we bowled down to the garage and fed her.
Then I went straight from there to do the papers, local paper day only meant 8 extra papers, nothing as major as on the old rounds.

After the papers, I went to drop some paperwork off at the local authorities, a necessary weevil, but seeing as the gym is up that way, I had a gym session.
I didn't get told off for doing a hundred reps, I got told off for doing my reps too fast.
I have this habit of if I am distressed or thinking about other things, I speed up, and in the gym, that is not always a good thing, depending on what I am doing.

Anyway, so I came home via the shop for teabags and other things, and the laundry for my washing.
At home I had my shower, transformed into clean clothes, and headed off for my day out.

Well it was a lovely day.

I was worried that my Mum was asleep as she didn't answer when I was heading over, but she is daft about her phone.
Eventually she answered, so all was well.

Oh we did have a good time, lots of coffee and talk, just what I really needed.
My parents have just had the joy of teaching their adoptive daughter a new life skill as well :)

I don't call him Dad, as you know, because that is a word that hurts me, but he is my adoptive Mum's husband and I can't name him on here, but anyway, he is a suduko buff, and so for some reason I am of an age to learn suduko. So he was teaching me, and because he and Mum play suduko differently, they were bickering happily over it, and a lot of other things. They are funny.
I kind of got the hang of suduko, and again, this shows the shift in my brain that can override the learning difficulties that used to hold me back.

But the thing is, that time, just learning suduko and listening to my parents and assuring them that I will never get married, was the sweetest and loveliest time, and I will treausre it.
The Church of England taught me that all that matters is money, status and overachievement and boasting. 
My parents taught me that what matters is kindness and forgiveness and love.
And believe me, they and I are testimony, they have been my parents for five years now and they met me when I was absolutely destroyed, and I am where I am now because of their love and example.
I am not perfect but no-one is, but I am blessed.

Anyway, once my time with my parents was over, I headed to the library for study. My local libraries are pretty scabby, so I like to go to the big libraries when I can, and study hard.

Today has been freezing, and I came home to a cold home as I left the windows open. Well the thing is, it has rained and galed for so long and the flat does need airing whenever it is safe to leave the windows open, so I expected a cold house, and it has warmed up well now, but I left some lights on all day and that was unusually careless for me.

It is now my bed time.
And I think I will sleep.

Thursday, 14 January 2016

Thursday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well I have spent the day spring-cleaning and re-arranging the flat.
I moved my desk out of the window because the bright sunlight in the morning can disrupt my work.

The flat looks good though, and I am just watching the Hollyoaks preview part 2.

Tomorrow I am hoping to go over and see my mum, and then I will study in the library.

It is very cold outdoors at the moment, it doesn't get warm at all during the day, winter is a bit of a shock to the system when it arrives so late these days.


Good morning peeps,

It is still dark and I am back from my round.
It isn't as cold and slippery outdoors as I expected.

I went to therapy yesterday and that went well.

Then I started to spring clean the flat.
I intended to just hoover and mop, but I ended up taking the books off the book cases, sorting them and dusting the book case.
Then I took a bag of books to the chattery shop. Good books but surplus to requirements, I hardly stop to read my books these days anyway.
I found a book and started reading it, while cooking a very late lunch or early supper.

Then after a while I went to running practice.
Running went well.
I came home and sat in bed reading and watching television.
 Time went by and towards the end of the evening I was watching 'Home alone'. and reading my book, a rare leisure time for me, but I had forgotten to put the boiler on so I had to wait until bed time for my post-running shower.

Anyway, I slept well. Although my dreams were devastatingly sad, about the church and things.
The problem is, part of the routine to get me sleeping better involves taking 5HTP every night with painkillers before bed. So my dreams will be vivid, nightmares even, but I am sleeping better, which is what matters, I don't know if the next relapse will override the efforts to sleep well anyway though.

Anyway, so I have done the papers and I would like to finish reading my book and then I have a quiet day of study, paperwork and catching up on everything that still needs doing.

Wednesday, 13 January 2016


Good morning,

Well yesterday I watched my Hollyoaks and some 'Are you Being Served?'  And I finished the monster assignment while I did that.
Then I went to the gym.
The gym is quite busy in the evenings, although most of the new years resolutioners are gone now, but it was hard to get near the weights, so I worked hard with my cardio, because I need to, and I did grab the lateral pulldown for long enough to do 100 reps of 25 while the head instructor wasn't looking. It is the only exercise where I am allowed to lift my arms above my head.

Anyway, I came home and followed the hospital's instructions to help me settle to sleep. The gym and the helpful hospital advice meant I was soon asleep and slept reasonably well, although the sooner I can do something about mattress and head support the better.

I had sad dreams about homelessness and the Church of England and I woke up into flashbacks, I have to consciously force these flashbacks out, sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.

Anyway, it is cold and icy and I decided it was best to take Florence to do the papers. So I did.
This meant that when I got to the cliff top towards the end of the round, I was able to stop and look at the bay from the cliff, the lights of the houses and the darkness of noirmont, the tide some way out but not completely out, with low waves breaking on the bay.

Anyway, so now I am home, and the monster assignment is in, I need to look at paperwork, housework, and anything else I have been neglecting.

The next wave of assignments is one on the 28th and two on February 11th.

Today I will go to therapy later this morning, will probably drop my laundry off, and this evening I will go to the running track and hope for the best. Whether or not I can complete the running training is a question mark.

Tuesday, 12 January 2016


Good morning,

I am typing this in the dark, hence the smelling mistakes.

I slept surprisingly well. And got up reluctantly to do my paper round. It was so tempting to take Florence, but I will do that at the weekend.

I managed to co-ordinate my round better this morning and have improved at cycling up the hills, so I was back here in better time. Also it didn't rain but it is cold with a biting strong breeze and the ground is slippery.

 It is still dark so I am sitting here looking out at the dark and also watching 'are you being served?' and eating flapjack.
The sun is kind of hovering below the horizon and there is one fat ship sitting on the sea, a Hoeg Asaka type monster.

I think I may go back to bed for a while.

Monday, 11 January 2016

Monday evening

Good evening peeps,

You will be pleased to know that I have a draft assignment done and have also been to my diet and fitness club and I have lost my Christmas pudding weight and will now proceed to continue to lose weight very happily on my vegeterian diet now I have discovered all the delicious meat alternatives.

I also picked up a fitness award this evening and I will pick up another next week as I have been accumulating fitness sheets without picking up awards. I am way above the level of the fitness awards, although funnily enough I am not exactly fit.

I came home to some delicious veggie burgers and zero coke, this is how to eat junk food healthily, and no, there was no white bread involved either, it is all clean stuff. I only use small wholemeal or thins and that is all tasty enough. I am not used to white bread as I haven't had it for years now.

I tell you peeps, if you ever think weight control diets are boring, you should try mine, I love it! My food is so much better than when I wasn't looking after myself. I love messing with herbs and spices and things, which have no fat in them but enhance flavours.
 Also, this diet allows limitless potatos and rice and pasta so I am never hungry, and sometimes I have chocolate and other junk.
But as long as I look after myself and eat a balanced diet, I will lose weight.

I do all the exercise too, but exercise is not a major weight loss thing, I do that to get fit for work and life.  Exercise can cause temporary weight gain before you benefit from further weight loss.
 You wonder why I am on about diets and things? There is a diet programme on C4 and I am watching it, all these ghastly diets available.

I wonder if we will get snow this week, we might.

Tomorrow is a quiet day for me, but I have plenty to do, always.

I have had premonitions about the Channel Islands this week and not because of Ashenden.


Good morning peeps,

Well, last night I watched Nanny McPhee and the? and Herbie.
I went to sleep after a while.

This morning I woke up to pouring rain and managed to muddle my round up as I am not used to the way the papers, go. At the moment it seems it just rains and I struggle and I am barely fit and it all feels awful, but it will get better, I'm sure.

I came home and have just been working on my assignment as it is a massive assignment.
The only other thing I have to do today is go to health and fitness this evening.

 The weather is cold, wet and grey.

Sunday, 10 January 2016


Good Sunday peeps,

Well I slept reasonably well last night but was dreaming about Bishops and meeting when I woke up.
I dunno what it is with those dreams but they all seem the same, and often I am on rollerskates and not interested in meeting with the Holy Fatties.

During the night the wind howled and the rain battered, and it woke me sometimes, there was thunder and lightning too.

I got up this morning to go and start my new round. I was grateful for not being under so much pressure any more. No need to take Florence or get there at a certain time.
It wasn't as carefree as it sounds. I have barely ridden the blue bike for months so I am not as fit, and it decided to pelt with rain as I struggled round my new round, the sunday papers are heavy to carry on my shoulder and so it wasn't wonderful, but that is teething problems, I will get used to it.

I got home and changed out of my wet clothes and into my gym clothes while I drank my tea.
I went up to the gym and had a vigerous workout, increasing my cardio workout.

Then I went down to the sea and sat watching the angry sea churning up sand and a squall crossing the bay.

Then I came home and got my assignment brief, notebook and study book and went to the cafe for a study breakfast, my neighbour was waiting for his lift to church and he was well impressed by my study breakfast plans.

I sat in the cafe and read the assignment brief, it is a big assignment due in soon. I wrote a few pages of notes and read the 180 page study book while enjoying breakfast and coffee.

Then I came home to the Hollyoaks Omnibus, which I am still watching on E4+1.

Now I am doing my usual, trying to do everything at once and not getting much done. I have the flat to tidy, the assignment to do, and I have to find various pen letters and reply to them, normally I keep them in a file  but Christmas sent everything pear shaped.

It is a cold wet day.

I may or may not go to the Welfare drop-in later. To be honest although I have very little, I am quite independent these days and also I can't eat most of what they serve any more so sometimes I just go there for a coffee and to say hello.

This is the song of the day, it is called Southampton, and it suits it, nothing to do with Titanic, Southampton is a very special city for me, it has been since I was a little girl and maybe it always will be. I know some of the Diocese of Winchester reside there but that has never changed my love for it:

Saturday, 9 January 2016

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Good afternoon peeps,

I have rarely ever seen such cloud colours!
The yellow of the setting sun against the storm clouds! Awesome!

I am just watching Doc Martin and pretending to study.

I woke at a reasonable hour this morning and have been just doing chores and drinking tea.

I quickly sorted the blue bike out ready for it's re-employment tomorrow.

The car's best friend arrived this afternoon and struggled with Florence's new starter motor.
She is now running sweetly and we are happy.

I went down to the old paper shop down at my old end of the bay, to hand my tabard in and collect my final wages, very sad and I wish it wasn't necessary but neither me nor Florence can continue there, so tomorrow it is my new little local round that I bike to a few minutes from here.

Friday, 8 January 2016

Friday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well I am sitting here studying, or revising, whatever it is. Lots of learning and neck ache.

It has been a cold wet day.

I had set my alarm for 7am but it was 10.30am when I got up, my dreams had been distressing but I obviously needed extra sleep.

It has been a quiet day, I have tried nut burgers, they are nice but I can't digest them.
I have been doing paperwork and studying.

I fixed the toilet seat too, another man skill :)
And I got back into writing pen letters, it seems to take ages to get back into things after Christmas.

This afternoon I went to be shown round my new round.
To be honest it seems ever so simple compared to my old rounds, even my old town rounds.
I will be biking it, so I had better get the blue bike checked over, oiled and make sure the lights are working.

I have watched all 10 series of 'are you being served' and also todays and Monday's Hollyoaks, so I am now watching the 'Are you being served?' film.

My mood is low, because in between being trashed by the church of england, I spend my time fearful of being attacked by the church of england.

Thursday, 7 January 2016


Good afternoon peeps,

Well I have had a vote of confidence on renaming this blog 'The journey home'.
I will have to have a note reading 'formerly life after the diocese' though.

This morning started with disaster again.
Someone on twitter said 'It never rains, it pours' about my situation, and that means that everything goes wrong at once.

I woke up to the alarms, and the sound of water running, I didn't like the sound of water running, especially not after a night of wind and rain. But it was too dark to see anything.
To my surprise, my new bite guard, which fits snug and firm and more comfy than any previous, was not in my mouth but had wandered off.
I really have to wonder just what I am doing in my sleep now, because removing a firm bite guard is not normally possible in your sleep.

Anyway, I sprang the lights on, and water was coming through the ceiling onto my computer!

Thankfully it is a tough shell computer and was fine. I moved all the electrics off the table and put a bucket there, the water had slowed to a drip. And seeing as it was 6am I decided to let my landlady know later, and I went to do the papers.

The papers were on time. However, as I headed through the lanes, I met a big fat huge flood that was right busy flooding the road.
I stopped and wondered what to do, as there was no other route through that would get me to the rural distributor and onto my first round.
My boss had told me not to take risks with the floods but to be honest, as the road was open and I could see the other side of the flood, I would proceed with caution, and so I did, and warned the rural distributor that the road was flooded, but she goes the other route to work.

Anyway, I had to go carefully back through the floods to the next round, and was OK, but sadly Florence wasn't.

I stopped her to scamper up a driveway. But Florence wouldn't start again.
She sat there, her starter had failed and she was sitting at the bottom of this rural driveway in the dark and the rain.
 I tried to start her but the engine didn't even turn.
I haven't been able to afford AA or RAC this time around, although Anna was always under the AA or was it RAC?
So, I was at a loss. I phoned my boss, and pushed Florence off the driveway so she wasn't blocking it. It was still dark and and the rain was pelting in the galeforce winds.

My boss turned up and helped me to push the car along the road to a wider part of the road and we rested her close in to the verge out of the way, enough room for a lorry to pass her, I know because one did.
The boss went to do the papers, telling me to phone him back if I couldn't get anything sorted.

I sat there and wondered what to do. It was 7.15am.
I sat in the car with the hazards on.
I texted my friend who likes texts and hates phones, same as me. He also is always up early and often texts me.
I texted my landlady, who was up, told her about the leak and the car. She sent me the number for the garage but they were closed and their number no longer also accommodates the 24 hour breakdown service, so I was stumped.
My friend didn't hear the text coming through so it was some hours later he replied, by which time things had been resolved.

Anyway, I had texted the car's best friend, who has been aiming to replace Florence's starter this weekend. It took some time before he saw my text and replied in horror about the breakdown.
He phoned me and asked if I knew how to bump start a car.
No, I didn't and he told me how to, so now I have a magical new skill.

A bump start involved getting the car on a slope, ignition on, second gear, clutch up and down as soon as you have picked up speed. Very simple but it is a knack, and he was not sure if I could do it, but I said I would try.
Florence cheerfully decided she would try and run backwards, but a man came out of a cottage to put his bins out and I shouted him over.
The man kindly pushed Florence out onto the slope while I got the ignition, gear and clutch right, Florence shuddered, her engine turned and she was off! The man is a neighbour of one of my papers customers so I will send him a thank you note. There are just those two houses out there where Florence broke down.

Florence behaved very well as I drove her home, which is good because had she stalled as she sometimes enjoys doing, we would have been in real trouble crossing the towns.
I got her home and she is sitting on the drive, she has no ignition but she is home and it cost me nothing apart from a few days wages and my last two days on the rural routes. Awesome.
As a tweep pointed out, I also get to sleep in for two days now before starting the later local papers.

We hope to get the new starter in on Saturday, which means I miss Saturday tutorials, yes I am back at university believe it or not! My Mum would have liked me to go to tutorials as she and I need to meet up and natter.

My landlady has had a look at the leak, and there are several possible causes, in the meantime I will keep my electrical stuff away from the leak site until they isolate it and repair.

It is a cold, clear and smoky day, yesterday was cold and smoky, an afterthought winter.

Wednesday, 6 January 2016

Wednesday evening

Good evening peeps.

Well I am sitting here wondering if I am dreaming, and seriously thinking about roast potatos with quorn chicken for tea!
I am completely allowed roast potatos any time I like because I cook them in fry-lite not fat after par-boiling them.

This morning I did several extra rounds for the shop due to the late papers.
Then I came home to the housework and paperwork and dragging wash loads over to the laundry.
We are having a new washing machine fitted in the flats but it is not running yet, and I will probably just go to the laundry anyway rather than struggle with change for the machine here, especially as my clothes need to be thoroughly dry so there is no damp in the flat.

Anyway. Then it was dentist time. Time for my final dental assessment and fitting of a new bite guard.
Because my clenching and grinding with stress is so bad, I am allowed to wear the new one during the day if need be. But the hospital said I will bite through it very quickly and they are keen to get a splint fitted.

Anyway, that was all OK and normal.
But sitting in the waiting room at the dentist changed my life.

So, I was sitting there, and I was reading the magazines as you do. Last month's local magazine was there and I idly flicked through it.
I saw and advert there and I had to re-read it.
We have been granted lottery sports funding locally and some programmes were on offer.
Because it was last month's magazine, I wasn't sure there would be any places left.
But I phoned them when I got home.
They cheerfully put my name down for one particular programme.

So this evening instead of catching up my gym. I got down to the athletics track.
Oh peeps, do any of you know or remember my dream is to run again, a dream that makes me cry?

The diocese of winchester took so much from me when they destroyed me, and part of that was my health and fitness.
The asthma is irreparable but I don't know about the other health issues and how they will affect it.
If I do any exercise I have to use a blue inhaler or tablets.

You hear me talking about gym sessions and my 100 reps of 22.5, which are perfectly true. My strength is still there even though my upper body is smashed up. But with aerobic training such as treadmill, cross trainer etc, I still struggle due to my back and legs and lungs, however, I am OK with the rowing machine.
So I have a 50:50 chance of safely completing my new running programme. My blood pressure was reading 130:95 aftter this evening's training, which isn't bad considering what it reads at routine readings before ramipril sometimes, and it will come down soon.

Anyway, so I went down to the running track, they had mistakenly told me that today was an informal drop in for instructions to start off, so I stopped for petrol on the way, so when I got down to the flood lit track, the instructions were already being broadcast over loudspeaker to a  big group of rather worried and excited people who, like me, are all in poor shape and are prepared to train up to or back up to, mini/half marathon standard. Do you remember how I used to be able to run from standing without training in those marathons?

Anyway, so we were started off, and at first it was brisk walking and then trot and run. Basically my old favourite, fartlek training.
This is how to get running fit.

Wow. Peeps, as you know I suffer trauma when I return to or regain anything that the diocese took off me and I expect to see Jane Fisher there having me kicked out and alienated.
At the end, we had a warmdown brisk walk, but some, including me, couldn't resist running in down the home stretch!

I know people will be dropping out over the next few weeks, but I hope that if I am not incapacitated tomorrow as a result of this, I will continue to train.
The next four weeks or so are build up and then we really start the running, and homework is plentiful if required.
 Technically I shouldn't be doing this at all, but damn it, I shouldn't even be alive, so I will proceed and if it doesn't make me more ill, it may well help my health.
It did cause Jersey flashbacks, but maybe not such bad ones.
 I have never done a formal running training programme and I feel it is what will really enable me to run if that is going to be possible.

I have a programme and a load of diagrammes of warm up exercise and a list of instructions.

I am sitting here watching Hollyoaks.

Running isn't easy when you have been through so much trauma and illness that your body has grown because you have been frozen and unable to move or do much. I wobble.

As I was running I wondered. Shall I rename Life After the Diocese 'The Journey Home'?
I also wondered about the beginners tennis programme.

Florence is struggling. But if she can hold together for two days, her best friend will assess her and give a verdict and probably order the starter motor that we didn't order before.


Good morning,

The nortyperson is feeling a bit disrupted this morning.
The papers aren't even in yet.

Well anyway, last night, after following the patient advice from the hospital, I managed to get to sleep.
And I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. Not wonderful but a lot better.
I had also managed to spit my bite guard across the room in my sleep, which is fascinating as it shouldn't be possible.

Anyway, it all kicked off as I woke up nice and lively and feeling better.
The phone beeped. The papers were late.
Come in at 6.50am they said.

Then my phone beeped again. My disabled friend who knows I get up early wanted to talk to me about sending me an email link.

I got to the shop for 6.50.
No papers.
They hope the papers will be in for 7.30.
This means I will go in for 8am :(
and worse, the lads have to go to school and can't do their rounds.
So I will have to cover extra rounds.
Florence seems OK though.

The man on the radio said 'you will be unlucky if you get rain today' just as rain was happily falling on Florence.
It is very cold.

My therapist is ill, so therapy is cancelled this week but I have dentist this afternoon, and paperwork the rest of the day.

Tuesday, 5 January 2016

Tuesday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well I was so ill and tired and dreading going to the hospital.
When I got there I was worried about parking and having change for the parking meter.
Thankfully there was a parking space, half flooded but at least it was there, and when I went to get a ticket, a couple who were leaving gave me their ticket, which had a few hours on, and that turned out to be a lifesaver.

I went in the hospital and got as panicky as usual, often I go into a hospital and start chatting to myself because I am so scared. I did this time.
I always check out where the chapel and vending machine and toilets are. A bit like when I was homeless.

Anyway, I got to where I needed to go, squeaked my details nervously to them and sat and waited. My appointment was half an hour late and I got so nervous I nearly left.

I am glad I didn't, they were great.
They did an examination, very thorough, explained a lot to me, talked me through a lot of things, and emphasised that I need to work with my therapist to really bring my stress levels down urgently as the stress caused by the church onslaught is really costing me my health.

The end result is that I have to go back for a splint and biopsy. The biopsy is the surprise part, I expected x-rays, not a biopsy.
I am only young but I have already had a biopsy in the past and they are nasty and painful and sore.
So I do not look forward to it. But it is obviously not urgent as I will be on the waiting list until at least next months. And it isn't anything to worry about.

But because my appointment had been in the afternoon and also half an hour late, I left the hospital straight into rush hour with roadworks and floods and diversions. Haha, neither me nor Florence felt like being in rush hour at all, and normally I avoid the town in the afternoon in order to avoid it.
However, we survived, came home, forgot to stop for food on the way, but it didn't matter.

My local supermarket stocks a lovely quorn and vegeterian range, and although I have been trying for a long time to stick to freshly prepared foods, I have needed a break from fish, and I am worried that it is fish or almond milk or something in my new diet that has been making me ill, but it may be the ramipril, but nonetheless I have enjoyed a break from fish in eating quorn sausages and burgers, and feeling very happy indeed to be able to eat meat again when it isn't meat and is very healthy and low fat. I have also got skimmed milk for the moment to see what a break from Almond Milk does.
Actually the good quorn range at my local supermarket is generally cheaper than fish.
And the variety is good: quorn chicken and burgers and sausages, quorn fish and quorn gammon, even quorn bacon. There is also non-quorn nut burgers and Linda McCartney stuff, which is tasty. I feel happy about that, I have felt so limited in what I can buy these days as eggs tend to upset my tummy and I can't just have fish and rice or beans on toast all the time.
I am allowed potatos any time but I only eat them roast or baked and that takes time. As a child I was fed soggy boiled potatos pretty much every day and I hate boiled potatos.

Did I tell you I went to my diet and fitness club last night? I dragged myself there feeling awful but I had only put on a few pounds over Christmas and I will quickly lose that!
They gave me a new healthy recipe book as a New Year's present!
So here I am, having had meat free burgers and lots of zero coke.

I have watched Hollyoaks and the preview, it is a bit grim, so time to return to 'Are you being served'. I think I am on season 7 now. But my all time favourite moment is the sandpaper one with Mr Humphries and Captain Peacock. My neighbours must wonder what is going on in my flat when I fall about howling with laughter.

I haven't been able to rest much despite being ill, so I will try and early night.
I have been given a comprehensive patient advice leaflet that describes a lot of things like getting my muscles to relax with a hot water bottle, so I will try. My muscles feel as if they will never relax again.
I have to write in my day book that apart from the papers, I am on sick leave at the moment.

Florence is sulking because I got her bonnet up earlier and ran through everything with her best friend on the phone. He is coming over on Saturday to tell her off.

Early night with 'Are you being served' as a bed time story. I hope I can sleep at some point. I am so tired.

Anyone remember me rewriting this one?

I've been down to Satandrews... 

I didn't rewrite the words spoken at the beginning as they ring true.
Fisher never could change reality no matter how much she destroyed me for my abusers. 


Good morning peeps,

I started feeling very ill yesterday and I still am. I haven't felt well recently, but that's life. As you know, I am quitting the rural paper routes, and that is this weekend. I am hoping a slightly later start will help me. But I am not sleeping well, and I can't make things better because I can't afford better orthapedic support or a better mattress or even a mattress topper at the moment, my finances are not so good.

I was sad to hear from my friend's family yesterday, I haven't been round there as she is in the last stage of life now, and I haven't even been by to do the cleaning but they phoned me and said it is just family time now and they will contact me about the funeral as soon as they know.
It made me feel sad.
This is the song for my friend who died in January 5 years ago and it may as well be for my friend who is dying now:

I don't know if I have mentioned in English that my past life has been replaying itself and everything that has happened before has been happening again, apart from being abused by the church of england because there is no other church of england to re-enact them.
But it is an interesting psychological phenomenom.
I call it 'going backwards to go forwards'.

When we managed to house me, after several attempts, a few years ago, managed to get me to stay indoors and sleep in a bed and be ill and go cold turkey, terrified, hiding in a corner and not sleeping. My psychologist had said that the way to save someone who is profoundly traumatised was to blur the edges and change the memory.
I had no idea that it was possible to relive everything and see it all replay. Even horrble things like my friend dying, although this time she is dying not estranged from me by the church of england as happened with my previous friend.  We had a lovely Christmas, and when she hugged and kissed me when I left on Christmas Day, I knew we were saying goodbye.
As I said in my poem when she told me she was dying ' In the patchwork of life, she has been one of the bright patches'.

Anyway, I woke up so ill this morning, I should be in bed.
I did the papers, and despite the continued heavy rain, the floods had receded.
But Florence decided to throw a fit in the middle of the road in the pitch dark.
This scared the hell out of me.

But I am home, the papers are delivered and I am not sure what to do now so I will probably sleep.

I know I am on 5HTP but I had such a strange dream last night. I dreamed I had a baby. It was a cute baby too, and very obliging, I was working out how to care for a baby, so I was going to give it a bath, and it said 'what after the trauma of being born?' but it swam cheerfully around in the bath, informing me it could breathe underwater, and generally it was a very easy baby to look after.

Monday, 4 January 2016


Good morning peeps,

I seem to have forgotten to update.

I will update quickly as I have a busy day with paperwork and university.
I get all my supplementary study material on Mondays and everything else always needs doing as well.

On Saturday I did some shopping and sat by the sea, the waves were big and clean after the wild sea in the morning and lots of daft surfers were busy falling off their boards.

Then I got a phonecall that wasn't very clear, offering me a job trial as a result of my early morning letter and CV distribution.
So I spent the rest of the day on trial, really in at the deep end with no support.
I was delivery driving.

At the end of the night the situation was unclear as their English wasn't good, they said they would phone me if they needed me, I am not sure if that was a plain no or if they meant just that, as they are not native English speakers.
I will take it as a no and look for more work.
It wasn't easy as I am waiting for a satnav and working without one is slower and maybe too slow for them as they only employ a few drivers, unlike the large team I was on before.

Anyway, on Sunday I did the papers as normal, got a good pay packet for covering the extra rounds, and spent most of the day at home as the weather was really bad and we now have floods locally.
I watched the Hollyoaks Omnibus and  'Are you being served?'

I did salmon and roast potatos for lunch yesterday.
And I did go out briefly through the floods but it wasn't great weather for an outing, the sea was grey and dull with low vision.

I was tired last night so I just watched 'are you being served' and also giggled about someone calling Gavin Ashenden a crank because he is attacking people again.

This morning I drove through the floods, very carefully, I hoped the floods would stop the mad cyclists but sadly there were more than ever, new year's resolutionists again.
It is rainy and grey.

Saturday, 2 January 2016


Good morning peeps,

Well because I wasn't sleeping well last night, I got up and did a hot water bottle and put an extra layer on in case I was cold, and I took some 5HTP to knock me out.

I slept but only until 4am. I had been dreaming about strange things, following someone in the dark, and then a vicious manx cat that had turned up in the place of my cat and was eating my cat's dog treats, well no wonder my cat was missing if I was feeding it dog food. It looked like Bonio.

Anyway, I was wide awake at 4am. The unusual hours and change of routine that the holidays cause is unsettling to me, so no wonder I can't sleep.

Anyway, I decided that now was a good time to print off and deliver some Cvs and application letters, so off I went and did that, in the dark and rain and wind, which don't bother me at all, and although my schedule says that todays papers are at 7.45am, I saw the papers van a few towns away and I know the papers will be ready before then.

I came home for breakfast and I will have a shower before going to do the papers.

Friday, 1 January 2016

New Years Day

Good evening,

Well last night I decided to clean and tidy the whole flat in preparation for the new year.
Does that surprise you?
I also was watching all sorts of stuff on television.
Then I had a nice shower and sat in bed watching television and waiting for Big Ben and the fireworks on television.
The fireworks and Big Ben happened. They were good, but the fireworks here in our town were also good and went on much longer than the London ones.

Then I went to sleep. For about three hours, I woke all headachy and tense and I took some painkillers with squash and slept again.

I woke up late, well the papers weren't due until 9am, but because I have the rural routes and two extra rounds to cover, I was allowed to go in for 8.40, which felt very late for me.

I got there and the boss had forgotten that I had been asked to cover two rounds, so he asked me if I would cover another round. He also said not to worry because the customers had been told they might not get there papers until 10am.
'10am?! you are being optimistic!' was my response. I am not superhuman!

Anyway, I took the rural routes and the rural distributor's papers out first, and unfortunately despite being New Year's Day, it was local papers day, which doubles the size of the rounds as well, it caught us by surprise as we expected the locals to be yesterday or tomorrow. the Christmas day locals were on Christmas eve. So anyway, my rounds took longer, and then I had to go and do the extras, and despite the boss saying the customers knew the papers were late, they were all phoning up, so someone else took some of the extra papers and I did the rest.
So, it was 10.40am before I got home.

The night and morning were wild with the howling storms. The waves on the bay were big although the tide wasn't full this morning.

When I got home, I didn't feel very tired but I was lying in bed watching Richie Rich, and I fell asleep and slept until 3pm!

I woke up feeling confused by the long sleep.
Then I decided it was time to get over to my friend's house before the storm and darkness increased.
I went round there to pick up a package from the garage.
The package was for me, a complete box set of 'Are you being served' DVDs including thefull length film and Christma specials,
I came home and stopped on the bay, the waves were smashing over the sea wall and Florence thought she was in the car wash again!

I am just watching series one of Are you being Served, and laughing a lot, while the wind howls against the house. I am back in St. Clements in my mind, but it doesn't hurt.
I did fish and rice for supper and overcooked the little Christmas pudding but it was nice anyway.

I am snug and cozy with my heater and my Writers and Artists Yearbook. Paradise.

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year Peeps,

It is daft o'clock in the morning, a time when Nortypeople don't even exist normally :)
Although we are good at being daft.