This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Saturday, 28 February 2015

Saturday evening

I am alone in the house and the wind is howling round the doors and chimneys.

This morning I went and collected my bike.
The weather was rainy but I biked to the front and looked at the sea, which was wild and rough.

Then I biked home and have spent most of the day quietly writing, reading and watching films, including Nanny McPhee, and Best Exotic Marigold, which has just finished.
I missed 'The Theory of Everything' Which is a pity, it is so well done, very sensetive.

The cat has kept me company, rudely washing itself on my bed and walking on my paperwork.

The weather has been bad all day, and I get very nagged about going out in the bad weather after all my illness, so all I have done is wander round to the shop, wearing my coat for once.

Tomorrow is due to be another quiet day for me, unless anyone randomly trashes it by contacting me or any more harm from the church of england.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,

Lazy weekend to you,

Two sleeps until Mum is here.

I am tired, I have had my second late night this week, the first because I was writing and simply forgot the the time, the second last night, because I didn't get back from the Samaritans until late, the only Samaritans are in town, about 8 miles away.

I woke this morning to a grey and rainy morning, so unlike yesterday.
The cat is washing himself in his basket, he doesn't leave his basket so much since I washed his blanket.

I have to collect my bike from Al within the next few hours, but it is not bike riding weather.

I have this song on repeat even though it is not Easter yet, sometimes only God can bring comfort:

Hallelujah! Not as orphans!
My Mum says I am not an orphan, I became adoptive in February 2011. Would you believe it is four years ago now! And the Diocese did try to take her from me, just as they have taken everyone from me. But that time, they nearly succeeded but didn't.

Friday, 27 February 2015

Friday night

What a funny Day.
It started with me dozing in an unsually relaxed and comfortable way. with the phone waking me gently by cheeping.
Then I was doing various things for the landlady,
then council, gym, shopping, all felt a bit different,
especially in the mild sunshine.
Then talking to an old friend and hearing new things,
I guess I was a bit shocked with some of what she said.

Then talking to Mum.

Mum was funny, telling me that I am adoptive, not orphan, and as we approach Easter:
'Allelujah! Not as orphans!

and then telling me about how she doesn't like the new roundabout where they live and she has complained and been told in reply it is EU regulations.
She said she was tempted to do something about the roundabout herself, so I said 'well if you lot are going to be hoodies and trash your town and lead me me and I will come and join in!
Haha, they are respectable citizens.

And then I have been into town and been to the samaritans, don't worry, those of you who thought I was feeling better, I am.
But I have only just got home in the rain and freezing wind.

Friday Afternoon

Good Afternoon,

Well, I went to the council for my food vouchers.
Then I had a good gym session. No fatigue or pain, but I will be tired this evening.
Then I went to the shop to use some food vouchers. I got some reduced flowers, perfectly good but reduced price.
So when I got home, loo roll, flowers, clean laundry, everything is domestic bliss.

I cooked lunch and stroked the cat as he lay in the sun on the decking.
After lunch I was off out again.

I took the bike, had a bike ride along the front, and then dropped the bike off at Al's place for repair, I will collect it tomorrow.

Then I went in the library, and got a few more books, as if I have time to read them!
I met my old friend in there, and she is doing better but I am always reminded by her problems, that my problems are nothing in comparison.
At least things are a bit better for her.

I stood and watched the sea for a while, and then I got the bread, which I had forgotten, and a candle from a charity shop.

I have a quiet weekend, well, there is no such thing, I always have a lot to do.

I was just chatting to Mum on the phone, she is coming over and she wanted to know if the shop would like some jumpers, oh yes, we would like jumpers for the shop.
Mum met my shop people when she came over a few weeks ago, it was mutual liking, I think.

congratulations new reader from Norfolk, you win a pipe cleaner.
I am not sure people that far from civilization would know what one is.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Well I managed to get to sleep at last last night, I rubbed muscle rub into my neck and shoulders, and put my dressing gown under the pillow to provide extra support, and then I slept.

I woke this morning with the sun shining through the window and the phone chirruping cheerfully to itself, I thought it was mum, telling me what time she would be over on Monday, but it was my landlady, who works away from home but does live here, allegedly. She said she wasn't coming home this weekend so could I check the post and do the cat feeder, so I did that.
The cat happily helped me to fill the cat feeder, or rather he kept diving in there and scattering food all over the place and chasing it.
I put his clean blanket back in his bed and now he is asleep there, one happy cat.

It is a bright cheerful day out there, and I will have a walk along the bay, go to the gym and pick up some food vouchers from the council soon.
I am all showered and fed and there are no flashbacks, no illness, no tiredness at the moment.
I have a website to build, but that is nothing to do with church or abuse, so don't set the diocese wailing again.

Thursday, 26 February 2015

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well I washed everything in sight, including the cat's blanket, the cat is very norty, he saw me taking his blanket and he swiped my leg as if to say 'Hey! That's mine!' He has a reputation for wild swiping, and occasionally he bites, but he is not mean, just kind of became like that from experience, much the same as me, I swipe because I feel hurty and frightened and have bad memories too.

Then I went out to the Jazz concert with my housemate and her friend. It was ok, none of us are really jazz fans but we like music, and they go regularly and know everyone, so it was good to meet new people. They tell me that they go because our town is pretty dead. But me not being a social animal, so to speak, I do not notice the deadness, I socialize in my own way, that doesn't involve much people.

Anyway, we didn't stay out long as my housemate is tired and she is flying home for a week next week, so she needed some sleep, so we came home, the cat is asleep in his fluff, which he often spreads round the house, his blanket is drying on a radiator.

I have been working on various things and I did try to sleep but ended up awake again and restless, so I am back on the computer.
I have been thinking about the Jersey care inquiry, and I wanted to write about that, to add to the already very good blogs and letters going round and further promote them.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

This morning I was bored and aimless and anxious as usual, it is a morning thing.
I was worried about money, but it seems to be turning out better than hoped.
Mum texted to say she will be over on Monday.

I only had a short shift scheduled at the shop today, 2-5pm.
So I headed for the shop eventually, and once I was there, I mainly worked with stock, with a few breaks to do the till while the boss went to do this and that in town.

My colleague seems to have been so inspired by my clothes steaming session that she had done everything else on the rails and so there was no steaming to do, so I sorted donations out instead, made the boss lots of strong tea, and generally tidied the stock room and made sure everything in the shop was in place, tidy, labelled.

The rainy weather meant that the shop was quiet, and the boss told me I could call it a day at about 4.15, so it was a very short day.

I still like the feeling of 'After Work', so I stopped at the co-op and got some milk and other things.
Then I came home, and put my washing on.

I forgot all about the Simpsons tonight, I started doing the housework and also the money work, thankfully the money situation is a bit better than I thought, and the council said they will give me some food vouchers to help with the adjustment.

My housemate came home, and she wants me to go out to a jazz concert with her and her friend tonight, so OK, I will go. What is a jazz concert?

Ah, because the money is better than I hoped, I was able to order some work boots and walking boots from Amazon, well, it depletes my low income a bit, but to be honest, the workboots are an investment in my future, and the walking boots are essential as another pair of un-supportive cheap trainers wear out and I am preparing for my next Great Walk.

I actually wrote on my note block at work the other day that I was doing the walk and people needed to donate their Easter chocolate to keep me going, and today I was handed the note block and my colleague had written on it 'I will deliver you to your starting point and collect you at the end point each day'.

Which is great, because last time, if you recall, I was staggering back to bus rides lasting an hour or two each day when I could hardly walk at the end of the day, and then up early in the morning to set off for the next start point. of course when I was sleeping rough, I never had to do that, because I slept where I fell each night and continued from there the next day.
The walk starts on Easter Monday, giving me the double anticipation of Easter and the Walk.
Ah, and I might have a Birthday this year, seeing as the Diocese are now running too short to crucify me when I am 33, actually I wouldn't jump to conclusions on that one.

Those who are new or unfamiliar to my Great Walk, it is a 70 mile annual trek for charity, normally in the autumn, to give a charity a Christmas Present of money, but this year I am doing an extra walk, for the charity that I work for.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

A few people asking if I am coming to Jersey today.
No, it was a flexible proposal, it can be any day.
I have a half day shift at the shop today anyway,
and to me, that is more important than fat loud people in Jersey.
And by the way, I am doing another Great Walk at Easter, for my charity.

It is raining outside.

I slept reasonably well, did have nightmares about the churchwarden and the Dean and Jersey, which are quite rare as my memory still represses all that even from dreams most of the time, but I woke without any flashbacks at all, and to be honest, I am lively and have some energy, although I may need one saline aspiration, but even all that is so much better now.

I am really worried about money at the moment, spot me £100 would you? :) It's da rent that takes da moneyy!

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I just discovered the anthem of the Deanery of Jersey, I never knew they knew Genesis (oops!)
Here is is:

Well, it was a slow start as usual. I am on 5HTP twice a day, but it is not that easy to overcome this.
I went out for a walk along the bay, but I felt tired and achy.
So I came home and did paperwork and eventually I put 'A night at the museum' on to watch, and the cat was asleep on my orthapedic pillow, and I did the tidying and cleaning and some music practice.

My housemate wanted me to go out to a quiz, and I wanted to go to the gym, but I did neither, I was going to stay in, but in the end, I went out riding on buses, which is therapeutic and can cause an attention shift that helps me to re-balance.

It was on the bus that I heard a number of memory songs and the Deanery's anthem as above.

I just got in, and I think I will go to bed soon.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well I woke up ill, but I can do nothing about the stress from the church, I cannot afford a proper head support, I have to wait until April to get a new gum shield, which may help, because I grind my teeth even during the day now, because of the stress of the Church of England.

I was having nightmares as well, but woke without lasting flashbacks.

I have a free day, there won't be many more of these in the future if I go ahead as a volunteer gardener. Because between the shop and the gardening, and eventually part time paid work if I am lucky, I will be working all the time, it is only the church that will sabotage my work, again, with their henious attacks on my life and character.

I have had a raft of painkillers and still barely feel like facing the world.
Having no money doesn't help.

I have eaten odds and ends, I just need to shower and get dressed.

It feels like there is absolutely nothing to live for, but don't jump in and claim I am suicidal, I gave up on that years ago, I died years ago, this is hell.
Embedded image permalink

Tuesday, 24 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well, I am tired and miserable.

This morning I actually woke up ok, and I had done a packed lunch, so I set off for an interview to do volunteer gardening at one of the district's local attractions, which is quite a nice estate.
I got there well in time, and had a nice chat and a walk round, and I start next week, subject to boots and paperwork. The paperwork will only be wrong because of the diocese of winchester if it is.

Rather than go home and come out again, I got the bus and went to the shop. The boss looked at his watch and I said I was only two hours early and the other boss said I can do extra when I want! But the boss was only joking when he looked at his watch and he laughed and said 'Most people come in and say they are only two hours late!' And a customer laughed too.

so that was a good start, and I did some sponsored pedalling, did a load of clothes steaming and various other things, and in the end I did nearly a whole working day at the shop as well as getting through the interview first thing.

The only trouble is, I am having a bad flashback patch, as you  will have noticed from recent blogs, and it throws rationality out the window and I suffer severe distress and what would be clinical depression if I felt this way full time, but as far as I know, I no longer suffer full time depression, which, all things considered, is really odd.
But the flashbacks destabilize me, and they are not just during waking hours, they come as nightmares that wake into flashbacks, which I can assure you is deeply scary and horrible, the psychologist was quite concerned when I used to tell him about these episodes.

I came home just wanting to go to bed, I have made myself eat and bathe, although I didn't really feel like either, or getting out of the bath after bathing.
I will now go to bed and hope that I feel slightly more calm in the morning.

Tuesday Morning

A sunny morning with better weather forecast, well, windy better weather.

I am up, after a slightly restless but not terrible night.
I am groggy because I took 5HTP, but I am not distressed or ill.

Which is good as I have a lot to do today.

The Open letter to the Dean was reading 666 this morning, that is, in stats.

Monday, 23 February 2015


Where is my heritage?
I look with tears in my eyes
at an array of pictures of places I lived
as I was growing up

There are no photographs
there is no family
there cannot be a more incoherent heritage
than the one I am trying to piece together


Good Monday,

Well the day started badly, it is always difficult to explain, but trauma means that I have nightmares that go into vivid waking dreams, which go into flashbacks, and I am going through a phase of that at the moment.

So I struggled awake, depressed and with a headache.

I was due to go either to the stables or the asthma clinic this morning, double booked, and I ended up going to neither.
Then there was a massive hailstorm, and the hail lay on the ground like snow, the cat sat at the door, looking puzzled, so I picked it up and explained hail to it and put it on the windowsill to consider this.

Eventually I crawled out of the house, heading for the gym, then I met someone from church and ended up chatting, I got to the gym and did a very gentle circuit, but I kept ending up with head down and eyes closed, which means I shouldn't really be out.

I came home, remembered I was supposed to meet with the boss at the charity shop and thus be there early for my training afternoon. So I ate my lunch, which I had prepared as a packed lunch because I should have been at the stables, and I set off for the shop.
The boss had forgotten he and I were going to have a meeting, so we re-scheduled for 'some time in the week' and I simply stayed on in the shop and did my training. I am now reasonably proficient in steaming clothes, so I am now a more useful volunteer, as almost all clothes suitable for sale have to be steamed.

I was still so tired, so I was relieved to finish for the day, then I grabbed some library books and groceries and got the bus home.

I got home and no-one else was home, and the four letters on the mat were all to me.

I opened the first letter and it was a 'New Home' card from friends, and it said in it 'May only happiness come through your door'.
I opened the next letter and it was a £10 gift voucher from Sainsburys!
And the next two letters were the DWP talking gibberish, as they do.

Then I had a message from the lesser spotted landlady from my old home, because she had been expecting me to pop round and collect an armchair, and I had forgotten.
So I headed round there and we walked round to the old house, which looked so forlorn and empty, with the for sale sign in the front garden.
The chair was not my old day chair, but is very similar, small and neat, just right for the small space I have for a much needed armchair.
The landlady's friend helped me carry it some of the way and then I just carried it the rest of the way, and sat on the pavement in it to rest when I needed to, everyone round here knows me, so they weren't at all surprised.

Then I did sausages and played with the cat, the cat likes to play a game called 'swipe you from the stairs' but it has the unfair advantage of claws!

Finally I have had a nice shower and washed my hair.

Justin Welby has made a fool of himself by not doing his research, as usual.

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I had a quiet afternoon, paperwork, music practice, watching Buffy, writing.
Last night's dream inspired me to ask my old landlady if she still had my day-chair from the flat, she said she hadn't but she had another chair that I can have! I really need an arm chair of some kind, rather than sitting at the desk or laying on the bed.

Then I went to church this evening, it was ok, the weather is dreadful and was battering the church during the service.

I have had a bath and done some prep for tomorrow,

I am tense and anxious as usual.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Well last night I re-arranged my bedding, and I had put the princess blanket in the wash in case it is causing an allergic reaction.
To my surprise, I slept through the night without waking.
I did dream though, and before I woke, I was dreaming sadly that I was back at the old house, the one that was condemned, I dreamed I was there and the other tenants were there but I knew we were not supposed to be there.
I also dreamed I was abroad, mountain climbing, which was nice.

Then I woke, and I felt tired and I wasn't breathing well, so I had to do the dreadful saline, which makes me sick.
I got up and did tea, and showered, dressed, made the bed.

Then I decided not to go to church as I was tired. I biked down to the bay, but it was so windy it made my ears ache and I got too tired, so I came home and have been reading, and writing, and the cat has nicked my orthapedic pillow and gone to sleep on it, haha, rude cat.

I still want to go to the gym, believe it or not. But I do not want to go to the welfare or anywhere. I may go to church this evening.

I am in a way, who I was in Jersey and before, and in a way I am not that person. I am obsessively clean and tidy since I left the streets, and I think in a slightly different way, I tell the Church of England how disgusting they are without swearing. I am not out of my mind like I was, and yet I am under huge stress from the Church of England still, just as I was before. I am not dependent as I was with Juliet and George and Jill, and thus I do not get into the same difficulties of people taking me over and then blaming me when their miracle cures of me do not work. In fact I am fiercely independent. And my relationship with my adoptive mum is totally different from my relationships with old church people who took me over.

I suppose some good came out of the bad, but the price to pay was too much, I would have been better learning how to relate to people and look after myself through good therapy. Which still isn't available, as there is nothing on the NHS and I am still well below the poverty line with the benefits I have to live on.

It is a cold and windy, wet day, possible snow is forecast.

Saturday, 21 February 2015


Good Saturday evening,

I am typing fluently in the dark as most of the power is out here, but me and the cat don't care, I have a cup of tea, and the cat has my duvet :)

The power does go out sometimes here. But the house went cold since it went out, so I hope it comes back on later.

I have spent the day in the usual hopeless anxiety and restlessness that the recent Jersey fiascos caused, which continues to affect me. But earlier I cleaned the kitchen, hoovered downstairs, and took my library books back.
Then I walked along the bay, and as I walked home, I met my old lesser spotted landlady, who stopped for a chat.
I never realised that one of my housemates there caused her so much trouble until she told me today. She is just getting the house ready for sale at last.
Anyway, it was nice to see her, and she told me I should drop by for a cuppa sometime, it is funny, she only lives a few streets away from me, so in the end, after all the upheaval, I only moved a few streets away from what would have been my forever home if the council hadn't condemned it.

Anyway, I  came home and cooked spaghetti cheese, which I haven't had since childhood, and I cooked chicken snacks too.

Then after idling around, watching Buffy and feeling low, useless, anxious and uninspired, I went to the charity shop, and spent some time there with the volunteers, and did some sponsored pedalling on the exercise bike, which we as a team, take turns at.
Then a volunteer gave me a lift home, and she was on her way to the Chinese festival, which all my gang are at, but I cannot afford to go.

So I got reduced stuff at the shop and took photos of a wonderful rainbow against a very dark sky.

And as I tried to relax, read the local and at least try to write, as well as doing my music, the lights went out.
Haha, they are still out, I must put my luminous rosary round the cat's neck so I don't trip over him.
Err, a black cat wearing a luminous rosary? :) he does like to trip me up though!

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Saturday morning. I slept reasonably well, woke at 1am, then slept again, but I was trapped in vivid and not very nice dreams into this morning.

I got up and just me and the cat were home, and I laughed at the cat for leaving it's leg in the air when it looked up while washing itself.

I am doing a project called heritage, which is a series of photographs of towns I lived in as I grew up. Those of you who know me know I had a travelling upbringing so I have many photos to do.

Someone has published my second letter to the Bishop on Open Letter, but why have they put a picture of him in a pornographic cassock? He looks whacko anyway.

I just had to use saline to clear my breathing, yeughh, horrible, it makes me gag. But I am a bit better again today.

What people do on the bay on Saturdays: Bacon sandwich and a walk along the front, I think I will do that.

Oh, I did my music practice last night and made good progress, undoubtaedly not good enough for the Lihous to boast about yet, but what matters is not being a production line object of boasting and one upmanship, what matters is that I am doing what I would like to do and at my own pace, and after losing my music and keyboard when I was deported from Jersey, actually finding the strength to start again and proceed.

It is a fairly fine day, so I will have a wander down the bay.

Friday, 20 February 2015

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well I have been having flashbacks today, which de-stabilizes me slightly, and not being well doesn't help.

I went into the next town and did some shopping and went to the bank. I also went in church and lit candles and prayed. I felt very old when I tried to stand up and walk out of church, I felt too tired to be out and my joints ached.

I came home, did chicken and carrots and homous for lunch, I have very little energy. I had a nice bath and read a book.
Then I walked down to the library and returned three books and then walked along the bay. The tide was out, but there was water and sand everywhere from the massive spring tides, that I have missed seeing.
I saw a lovely sunset.

I came home and I am tiredly mooching around, while the cat is asleep on my princess blanket.

I have spray to help me breathe, but it is horrible. But I can breathe, even if everything tastes of saline now.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well I had a bad start to the night as I couldn't breathe properly when I was trying to sleep, I had to keep getting up and doing everything I could to ease my breathing.
Eventually I drifted into dreamless sleep.
I woke this morning to a rainy day. No charity work, nothing really on the task list.
So I did a few emails, and I will probably nip into town to the bank, nip nip, and go for a gentle gym session, as I am not happy that illness is still stealing my gym and swim from me.

I put my washing on, and my room is tidy, I think it is a day when I get anxious about having so little to do and try to worry about everything I cannot do.
Anxiety. It is a great burden, I wonder what life is like without it.

Thursday, 19 February 2015

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon peeps,

I had another slighty troubled night and woke from a vivid dream to find I felt a bit better, still not 100%.
I went through the usual routines and then went to drop something off before work, the sea was wild with big waves.

I came to work, was left in charge, not feeling 100% And then I had the customer from hell to deal with.
She came in, and started asking questions, demanding to see jewellery, and distracting me from marking stock.
I couldn't get rid of her, and she was rude, patronizing and ridiculing me, and eventually I phoned the boss, who said this sounded like a distract-thief, and at the same time, this woman left, and it turned out she was a thief, two items were missing.
I was very upset by that, as I am not feeling good. The bosses say it happens to everyone, even them.

It is a wet rainy day.
I am tired and discouraged.

never mind eh.

Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog.
I had another bad night and woke up unwell.

I had a bad morning, but I just went through my usual WRAP course list of breakfast, shower, make the bed, get dressed etc.
Eventually I went out, only up to the surgery and pharmacy to get my prescriptions, and the surgery made me an appointment for the afternoon.
So I went home, did some chicken for lunch and did some paperwork, before going back to the surgery.

So now I have some tonic but no gin, and another appointment next week, and yet again I had to cancel my volunteer training for the afternoon.

I had some tonic and then, as usual, I gained more energy as the afternoon wore on, and so I have been doing housework, paperwork, lists, laundry, and everything.
I left my music lessons until late and now I am too tired really.

I must finish for the day and get to sleep.

Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I was so very tired at work, I finished at 3.30pm, stopped to get cough medicine and some food, and came home.
I did put myself to bed as I felt utterly exhausted, but I didn't sleep. The cat was delighted at the idea of me being in bed in the daytime and he curled up on my legs with his engine running.

After about an hour, I was still awake, so I got out of bed without moving the cat, who stayed curled up on the duvet, and I started doing housework, just slowly at first, but as time went on, everything was tidy and clean and hoovered, the bins were out for the dustmen in the morning, and I had done some delicious sausages for supper.

Then I had a shower, did some music and keyboard practice, and some French practice, as if time was turned back and I was in Jersey again, on my learning curve.

Then my housemate came in with pancakes. I can assure you that pancakes with honey and yoghurt are delicious.

It is funny how I was exhausted today and could hardly hold my head up in the shop, and now I am so lively that it is way past my bed time and I am still up, reading my autocorrect book :)

Mum keeps texting, why is she up at this time as well? :)  harhar, I missed such a lovely sunny day because I was ill, but I will see more lovely weather tomorrow and get to enjoy it.

Tuesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

I woke up feeling ill and have not got any better.
I walked down to the sea this morning, and it was so utterly beautiful in the sunshine, with the Great Hill clear and bright against the light blue sky, I cried for joy that I am back where I am happy, and I thanked God.

I came into work, and we have had so many donations that I have been busy sorting stock as well as working the till, and it has been a good day for sales as well.
But I am not well, so I am finishing in 45 minutes and going home to bed. I have cancelled my evening's outing too.

I know I am ill because my head keeps wandering off to try and sleep, when I need to be awake in the shop, but the bosses are OK about letting me off early.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

I had another unsettled night, and woke feeling ill, to a bright and sunny day.
I am just having a coffee and have been doing some music, and now I will gather things to work on while I am at the shop, and I will walk down to the beach and then I will get the bus to the shop, as I will be at work for midday.

Then this evening I will be going out on a so-called ghost walk, round the Castle with my gang, blah, crazyme!
I really need time at home as I am tired and have so much to do, but I will have most of tomorrow at home to get things done. I wish I didn't feel so tired and so unwell.

Please send me a pancake with golden syrup :)

Monday, 16 February 2015

Monday evening

Good evening,

I am too tired to write, but the NAS have taken to viewing this blog regularly as well as the other one, to see how many metaphors I use (shedloads).

Yesterday evening, after finding out that the Dean was demanding his whitewash report, I went to the welfare, had a meal and some tea and pudding, chatted to various people and came home.

I was unsettled and distressed so not much of my planned writing got done, I never finished my short story for the competition.

I didn't sleep well and woke up ill this morning, so I had to leave a message for the stables to say that I wouldn't be in for equine therapy, otherwise known as 'seeing my horsys'.

The stables emailed me later saying I had managed a clear answerphone message and they were pleased ( because they know I can struggle with both kinds of dysphasia and slurring my words, and their answer machine isn't always clear).

I was deeply sad to miss my horsys, the stables always tell me that I should try to come in if I feel bad as it should help me, but not this morning, I was too ill.

But I am not good at sitting around, so I did as I learned on the WRAP course and started my tasks, slowly and surely, getting myself showered and dressed, doing bacon and eggs, making the bed and generally getting on with things as the weather turned bad.

I biked along the seafront, and it was deserted in the rain and gloom, after a weekend of sunshine and crowds of people out there. I was so tired and ill that I had to push the bike home though, and I just wanted to go back to bed.
But I stayed awake, and I wrote an Open letter to the Dean of Jersey, and circulated that. It is available on the other blog.

I felt better after that.

I had been due to do more training in steaming clothes at the shop this afternoon, but I had cancelled it because I had though that that as well as horses in the morning and going out in the evening would be too much for me, so I had no horses and no training, and the training was now due on Wednesday, so I ended up with a quiet day to recover, and although I really didn't feel like it, I did go out to join my friends this evening.

I hadn't even been to the gym or picked up my prescriptions today.

I set out on the bus to meet my friends, the bus stop I got off at was near where I was to go, but being unfamiliar with the place, I lost my way a bit, bumped into some nice people also lost and seeking the same place, and together we found the place.
My friends were waiting and a chair was waiting, which was good, as the place got crowded.

Well, we had an awesome time! :) This was an astronomy event. The leader came in saying that no matter what they did, the weather was always bad on the day and only on the day, we had a lovely weekend and tomorrow is due fine, but this evening the weather was miserable.
The leader gave a stunning talk, it was awesome, and then, to everyone's delight, the sky cleared for long enough for us to view the constellations by telescopes of various sizes and strengths, and we were able to ask questions and get information.

After a few hours, I was tired and wanted to get the bus, as they only run every hour. So I had a cuppa and chat with my gang, and then headed home, stopping at the supermarket for provisions, and here I am exhausted and for some reason procrastinating about going to bed. The cat doesn't mind, because he wants to keep the bed all to himself.

I am so tired these days, and yet, I am due out again tomorrow night, and now I have been roped into a quiz on Thursday night.
Tomorrow I am working at the shop, and I have taken up my music practice again since I got the keyboard, so life is very full, and yet the Church of England are putting everything I do and my whole new life at risk of being destroyed.
Tell them off would you?

Sunday, 15 February 2015

Sunday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I slept ok, vivid dreams that faded to nothing, woke needing the loo, slept again, woke in the early morning with the cat pestering me for food, eventually got up and got tea.

Sunday is all lazy in the sunshine and cool wind, a good day to be lazy, and I am exceptionally tired today despite a good night's sleep. Tired with a slight headache and tight muscles, and occasionally my stomach turns over. Maybe I got sick, dunno why, I think the tiredness may be from the virus, I am tired by 9pm, ready to sleep, and I am out like a light when I go to bed, but today I am more tired than usual.
I did get a lot done yesterday though.

One of my worries is that now I have started writing seriously, my brain is full of writing, ideas and inspiration and worries about how to portray things and of course, being sued for the more serious books that will be written later, maybe I should worry about that when the time comes :) but because I am autistic, I go into overdrive easily.
There is a short story deadline tonight at midnight and I doubt I will even get an entry in.

I went to church, I decided to pop into the church round the corner, they know me vaguely and I know them vaguely, they know me as someone who photographs their festivals, mainly, I have attended one service there before, and they always invite me to attend.

My beloved churches here have been saying I am most welcome back, and they say it while buying me cookies, which is far too persuasive, but a change is as good as a rest, and I had been thinking about a rest before I even went away for a month. So I will go back to them, of course, in time, but I still have the after effects of the church of England's treatment of me, which means I sometimes need a break from being close to church people.

Anyway, the service this morning was powerful, emotional and food for thought.
Then there was a cuppa and various people saying it was good to see me and I am welcome, which is always good in a church, and of course they remember me doing photography at the festivals.

It is a lovely day, and people will be out on the front, enjoying walks, so I will bike down after lunch, I will do chops and potatoes and carrots for lunch and Eton Mess for pudding (my healthy version)and I will grab a shower with some coal tar to get the itch out. Maybe it will ease my tense muscles too.

I suppose I will go to the welfare this evening, and maybe to church too, but I have so much writing to do. And a huge book to read, well actually I have loads of books to read at the moment, I ate the library.

Saturday, 14 February 2015

Saturday Evening

Good evening,

Well I have been so busy that the blog has not been updated today.

I slept well last night, vivid dreams but I remember nothing, not good dreams.

I woke this morning and went straight into office mode, writing letters and cards and doing the redirection order.
Then I had a shower and did bacon and eggs. Put a short wash in the machine.

Then I headed for the post office to do my post office things, and then went to the computer shop, and then the supermarket and then I delivered some cards by hand. How nice to be home.
Then I had my bike ride along the front, the sea was silver and grey, and the clouds were skimming the great hill. I sat outside the beach café with a cuppa.

Then I came home, did some writing, hung my washing up, got a few things and went back out. I got the bus to town, handed something in at the charity shop, and got some library books and a few other things, the sky was spectacular with dark clouds and rainbows.

I was too late to go to the gym, so I came home, settled to writing as well as watching 'Back to the Future' and had a bath while reading my Stephen King book.

The cat is asleep on my bed, I am tired but I have so much writing to do.

Friday, 13 February 2015

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well, what a day.
I went for a bike ride along the stormy seafront this morning, and got earfuls of sand.
I had to walk back against the wind, and my ears ached.
I got home, sorted myself out, couldn't get my printer to work, so I headed for the bus to work.

On the way to work there had been a bad accident, a car was crumpled on it's side and there was fire service, police and ambulance there, but the bus managed to get by eventually.

Got to work, minded the shop, and one of the regular visitors kept me talking for ages.
Then I helped with stock and had lunch, I was due to finish at 3pm, and 3pm came round fast.
I mentioned the accident to my boss and she said there had also been a house fire in town and she reminded me it was Friday 13th. Neither of us are superstitious.

Then I perused the other charity shops, and got a copy of 'It' by Stephen King, it is a huge book, I have never read it before but it is one of his ones set in Derry, like 'Insomnia' my favourite book of his.

Then I came home, and there is only me and the cat, the house is quiet and the cat is washing itself on my bed, how rude of it.

The weather started off cold and windy and turned to rainy and windy before midday, and has stayed that way.

I am so tired. I must get on with my writing but I think I will spend an hour reading my new book first.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I went to the gym, just did an easy cardio circuit, then I went and stood on the cliff and looked at the sea, before coming home tired and going to bed.

I slept well, but woke once, needing the loo, despite no tea last night.
I had been dreaming vivid dreams about my family.
I slept again and dreamed more dreams about my family, that we were all waiting for a train to Winchester, and as usual, they wouldn't listen to me, so they went to the wrong platform when the train was due, it looked like Southampton station, where platforms 1 and 4 are the wrong way round.
Then I was doing a painting by numbers of a shopping centre and my sister was making out she was eager to come to Winchester with me, to 'deal with Bob Key' (that'll be the day, no-one will deal with him until he faces God).
I woke up relieved to find it was all a dream, I am here in my room on a windy morning with the sea roaring in the background.
I have shop from 11-3 and so much else to do, but I am tired. This is my last shop shift while the boss is away, then back to normal next week.

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I slept well last night. Woke this morning and got up, washed, had breakfast, headed out, did some change address stuff with the council, GP, leisure centre, and picked up some prescriptions while I was out.

Then I headed for work, but as I got there, the boss sent me a text saying she was sick, we discussed my competency to run the shop totally unsupervised for the day, and agreed that I was not quite ready for that. So I put a note on the shop door and headed for the supermarket, where I did my long-awaited shopping.

Home again, I unpacked the shopping, had a shower, and put my clothes on to wash.
Then I went to book a haircut, and they had some free time, so they did my hair.

Then I biked along the bay, the tide was in, the Great Hill was glooming, and it was a cold grey day.
I sat in the beach café with a cuppa, then I went in the library and got some books.

At home I hung the washing out, put 'The Princess Diaries' on to watch, and did supper.

Supper is chicken pieces and special potatoes with cucumber, tomato, grated cheese and Lightest Philadelphia, all mixed together in a tub.

I may go to the gym for the first time in forever this evening, but I am not swimming for another week, because of the chest infections.

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I worked at the shop until 3pm, at first I was minding the shop alone and then the boss and another volunteer were there, and the other volunteer was teaching me to steam clothes, which is like cleaning and ironing at the same time.
Then the boss got us fish and chips and I finished at 3pm.

Then I came home, I had intended to do my shopping but I had to wait and see if I was going to a pub quiz, and in the end I did neither, so I will shop tomorrow.

I have managed to get some work done on the book, and also start a new book, but I keep having to remove the cat as he distracts me because he wants fuss all the time. It is funny because my bosses have such a similar cat, I wonder if they are related.

It is milder now, I walked down to the shop for some milk but I am so tired now, I will sleep soon, one more antibiotic and that is it, then maybe not so tired.
I am working tomorrow and Friday at the shop, as the boss man is away.

Wednesday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

I am minding the shop and it is busy. I am here until 3pm.

I went to bed early and was asleep straight away.
I woke at 3.30am, the cat was mewing at my door and the other lodger was awake but quietly, neither the cat nor the other lodger had woken me, I just woke.
I went to the loo, realised the time and hoped I slept again.
I lay awake for a while, then I slept again and dreamed vivid and sad dreams about JM.
I see a certain other person was awake and reading my blog at about the time I woke up, how odd.

I got up this morning, drank tea, washed, dressed and had cups of tea. Then there was enough money through for me to top up my bus pass, so I did. And I had breakfast at a beach café, which I can't afford to do often but it was a kind of muted 'Yay!' kind of breakfast to celebrate being home, and I sat there watching the waves break on the ebbing tide as I ate.

Then I headed for the shop, and stopped to pick up my computer on the way.
I am here with a shop full of customers, just catching up the blog as I wait for people to buy things.

Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,
It was cold this afternoon and I was glad to get home and do hot tea and beans on toast.
Then I actually relaxed a bit and watched television.
The cat joined me and purrrred.
I read a book too and played with the keyboard and ipad.
Then I walked to the shore.
The wind is bitter so it is a good thing I had my thermal top and fleece on.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well yesterday was so mad that it resembled a dream.

I woke at 5.40am and dressed and showered, had breakfast and moved things out to the garage.
Then I went to collect my Mum.
We went to McDonalds for coffee and lunch, then we got me some cough medicine.

Then we came home, had cups of tea and finished my packing, then someone came to see me so we talked to them.
Then we went into town to drop some stuff off at the shop and introduce my Mum to the shop people, and vice-versa.

Then Mum went back and I went home, finished putting my things together, then I was collected, with my stuff, and dropped at my new home.
Cups of tea and lots of information were doled out at the new house, and then I was alone to unpack and then cook a huge rissotto and I ate all of it too as I was starving.

Then I walked down to the bay, and came home via the supermarket to get some milk.
Then I was so tired I simply went to bed and slept.

Woke this morning, relaxed, although I was worried about how soft the mattress is, but I am not used to sleeing on a bad.
Got up, got tea, made a fuss of the cat, who loved a fuss, and also loves my room. Then I had a shower and had a bike ride along the bay, saw people I knew, as if I had not been away a month.
Then I got bread and had some toast, did more unpacking, and then came to work.

I did some hours at the chattery shop and have now finished. It is a grey and cold day and I am tired.

Sunday, 8 February 2015

Sunday evening

Good evening,
Well I had no trouble biking to the great ship bay, but the bike is having it's chronic gear problems again.
It was a lovely sunny day and really quite pleasant.
The bike is there, in it's stable, I hope it behave s.

I was welcome d back with cookies.

Then I came home and got some packing done before heading for the welfare.
A glorious sunset faded into a clear, cold and starry night.
I had a welfare meal and tea, and a food ticket.
Then I came home, too tired to do any more.

Got to pick mum up in the morning,  then being collected for the move in the evening.

sunday morning

Good morning,
I was coughing uncontrollably in the night.
I had several cups of lemon with hot water, which is always nice.
Eventually I coughed something brown with a hair and the cough eased a bit.
I do not eat hair.
I did manage to sleep after that. But still coughing.
I put a thermal top and extra blanket on.

I woke late, and now I need to dress and somehow get the bike over to the Great Ship Bay, the only home it knows, it has been so lost here on the steep hill, and to be honest,  so have

I cannot go by train and so I have to bike it, with this illness
I have missed the bay so much that I cried when I went back on Friday,  because I just want to be biking along it in the early sun rise again.

Apart from getting the bike home I have welfare later, and Mum coming over tomorrow.
Usually I cannot be bothered to tell you, but I am going home to the Great ship bay tomorrow, mum is coming to help.
All I can think about is biking along the bay, all anyone else can think about is me being somewhere with heating and hot water, as there is never either here, and I cannot look afterthis place on my own and keep getting chest infections.

Sunday 1am

Awake, been cough ing terrible.
Someone in jersey also awake, reading my blogs.

Saturday, 7 February 2015

Saturday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well it has been a busy day.
The laptop is in for service and getting installed something.
So I am tablet only for a few days.

I was really sick with coughing this morning and am still not too good.
I have got a lot done.

Still more to do.
Busybusy, peeps.


Good morning,
Yesterday I minded the shop while the manager went to the accountants.

Then I had things to do, which I won't tell you about yet.

Then I was on the bus, the weather was so cold with flurries of textsfrom friends, and I did a  damn you autocorrect text and we laughed a lot.

 This morning I was awake to see the sun rise but I have coughed so much, including fresh blood.  so I am in bed,
I need to get up and shower and cancel bowling and get stuff done.

The antibiotics have no serious side effects but they do have a side efffect, haha, oops, wheres the loo!

Friday, 6 February 2015

Friday Morning

Good morning peeps,

Slow progress with chest infection, but I am up and about.
Had breakfast cheap in town and walked along the sea wall,
it is a cold, clear and windy day with a rough sea.
I am covering for the manager later when he goes to see the accountant.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

Wednesday, 4 February 2015

wednesday night

Too much to say.

Am on antibiotics
May be pneumonia if worse not better in morning.
Thanks diocese, the cold is not to blsme.
The gas men want to dig up the lawn.
They are very polite.
I will now lie down in bed and see what happens.

Wednesday morning

Good morning,

Well I woke at 4am, all warm but feeling very ill.
I have a feeling that antibiotics are about to happen, today. Blah.

I have had several cupps and am still warm and snug in bed, with the little oil heater alongside.

I am letter writing, which is my best form of communication sometimes, for better or worse.
It is dark outside. I will get up and shower soon and will go to the clinic later.

Today was a free day, and I was going to do housework, letters and sort out rubbish and pack the possessions of the tenant who left a few weeks back and stash them in the garage.

It is 6am and I am pleased with my letters, I have a few more to do.

It is due to be cold with scattered wintry showers, and I will wear a thermal layer and even a jacket if you're lucky, because chest infection with asthma in this weather is dangerous, I may not survive the diocese but I do not want to die of asthma because it is a horrible way to go.

Tuesday, 3 February 2015

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I felt rough this morning, so I put the towels, mats and cloths in the wash and cleaned the kitchen, and then I went to work.
I spent the afternoon in the shop, working on the computer in my spare time and serving customers the rest of the time.
At the end of the day, the boss gave me a spare lamp without a shade, it is ideal because the old one was too bright and this one is just right, no more candle, I have a lamp.

I got home, hung the washing out, put my clothes on to wash, sorted a few things out, and eventually my bedsit is looking back to normal after weeks of chaos, and I have had plenty to eat.

I am still rough with a chest infection, but I will live, if the Diocese let me, Mr Carew-Hughes seems a bit cross today, dunno why, he is talking in capital letters.

It has been bitterly cold, but the snow stopped this morning, this evening as I left the shop, it was almost dark, with the sky clear and a massive orange sunset. I came home to chicken, as usual.
And I got the television working! :) It follows the ipad, which stopped working when a drunk man poked me with a banana on Saturday and started working again this morning as I cleaned it.
Now just the internet to fix, and we are back to a better place.

Winchester got an earthquake and bird flu within a week, isn't Bishop DakeDake getting any sort of message from God? They will have floods again at some point, but hopefully no fire now that the prat who tried to set fire to James Atwell's house has been put away.

Tuesday morning -what a surprise

Good morning,

Well I woke peacefully, still fully dressed, to snow falling thick, heavy and determined, there is no pretence or play about this snow.
But despite that, the dustmen got through, to take two measly bags that I managed to get out last night, along with the snow they were coated in.
This is real heavy determined snow, and you know that because I am ill, the doctors are going to tell me not to go and play in it, and you know what I think of that.
Sadly there is no-one I hate round here, so I can't build snowmen on anyone's cars or on their driveways.
I am sitting in bed, well, on my mattress, wrapped up, and although it doesn't feel cold, my breath steams in the air.

I am supposed to be working a shift at the shop this afternoon, I would hate for the snow to close the shop, the rural bus won't run but I can walk down to the main road, the town-to-town route will run no matter what.

Monday, 2 February 2015

Monday Night

Good evening,

Unfortunately I am quite unwell again, the exact same virus symptoms.

Anyway, this morning I went to the horsys, I felt unwell and very unfocussed because of the recent Diocese and Deanery fiasco, but nonetheless, the people who run the therapy urged me to come along as they felt it would help me, and they were right, and I wasn't the only unfocussed person there either, I have learned not to wander off and to do my best to focus and behave normally when I am stressed and unsettled, but this other lad kept wandering off and having to be fetched back.
We had a lovely morning, stable duties to start with, followed by teamwork exercises with the ponies.
One pony was in the stable behind me and he tried to make me jump by coming up behind me and snorting, but I know all about ponies so I knew he was there, and I stroked his nose.

Then I got the bus into town and went to see my pals at the chattery shop.
They are of the opinion, as I am, that I need a new flat.
Yes, but I am ill, so not today.
I shouldn't have gone wandering in the cold. I am really unwell now. I have sent the doctor a message for tomorrow as I have all the same symptoms as before, severe sore throat, chest infection and coughs include blood (which in my case is the norm but you have to tell them), but I am tired and shivery as well. I know now that if I do not work out why this is recurring, it will keep recurring, which is not good for my lungs.
I am in bed with the heater pulled up by the bed.
God, I feel awful.

Monday morning

Good morning peeps,

I woke in the dark, dozed, had strange dreams about a tower block and a flat in a tower block, and then I woke to a glorious winter sunrise.
I am showered and I will be catching the bus to the stables soon, I get to see my horsys today! :) They have soft noses.

Sunday, 1 February 2015

Sunday night

Good evening peeps,

Well, I seem to have got another bout of this virus, and I really don't understand it.
Chest infection, sore throat, tiredness.

This afternoon, I went and got washing powder and other things I needed, and had a bus ride for a while, but I was reading my autocorrect book and laughing a lot, which you aren't supposed to do on a bus, and definitely not in a public toilet, where people wonder what on earth you are doing! :)

I came home via a meal at the welfare.

I have been just drifting quietly since I got home, I watched 'Yes Man!'  and really just been drifting.

Tomorrow I will go to my horsys even if I feel ill.

Sunday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Shower, clean clothes, roast chicken and roast potatoes.
End of story :)