This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Sunday, 31 March 2013

Hi peeps,
Here I am, trying to do a normal update post.

On Good friday I came back up to the city and hid in my bolthole. I cannot remember much except that I slept and woke at 2am on Easter Saturday, coughing blood and infection.
I was very distressed by the recent church intervention and I started writing, I wrote to the church and police, no explosive abusive traumatised anger, just cold grey despairing pleas to be left alone.
Time rushed by and I didn't sleep again as night became morning.

In the end I had my breakfast and left, spent the day enjoying the city, I will never tire of it, I love this city and always have.
In the evening though, there were crowds from a football match and I had to wait and raid the bins before I could go home.

Once home I happily mooched about in the fairly quiet saturday evening, and eventually and fairly early, I got my blankets, went to my corner and tucked down and set my clock an hour forward, I slept, sometimes waking slightly to drunken shouts nearby, but I slept until 3am, and woke a bit cold and stiff and bursting for the loo.
After using the wall, I tucked back in and dozed because I was worried about oversleeping.
I woke early and had a headache and stiffness from cold and from an uncomfortable backpack pillow.

I packed my things and wandered them into the hedge and hobbled down to McD's, I did thank Jesus that he died and rose again to save us from our sins, but I felt very grumpy and painful and not very grateful or praiseful.

In McD's I had a cuppa, and then another as I had enough stickers, and I sat and dozed and felt pleased that McD's are open at 6am even on Easter Day, my friends wouldn't approve, but it is a lifeline for me.
Outdoors the sky was brilliant blue and the sun rose into a glorious morning.
I mooched and headed for church where my friend happily opened the door and wished me a happy Easter, I have never got the hang of Easter so I still forget to say it.
We had an early communion service followed by a sumptious breakfast, and the church was decorated in yellow with daffodils and Easter eggs and fluffy chikkins, which I kept borrowing.

After breakfast the main morning service went ahead and that was good, mainly.
Then everyone talked and talked, and I was on co-codamol and was just overwhelmed so I kept zoning out and not really knowing who said what and I was drifting.

Then the service was over and I went off to sit in the coffee shop, which was luckily open, and then I walked and wondered what to do, and came up here to the city, where places are open as normal.

Saturday, 30 March 2013

Mike, your email address sends me spam, whats up?
2.38am, coughing blood again and wondering how long I have got before the church has me attacked and locked up again, how long before they violate my relationship with my church and have me slandered, howlong before that creature from that church directly attacks again.
And wondering how long she has been able to trace and violate me again.

Friday, 29 March 2013

I suppose I had better try to do a normal update for the moment.

I went to help the gardener chap, I made lots of tea and another lady came to help.
I did weeding and pruning and drank tea and made tea.

Then the gardener chap asked if he could buy me some lunch, so I let him get me some chips.

I wandered off and ate my chips and then was sick and shivery, I think I overdid it with the gardening.
I went to church and sneeked in, and there were my old friends and they put several kettles on and I cuddled the radiator and dozed.

Then I drifted quietly away.
I got a haircut from my pal, who was quiet and gentle, not as chatty as usual, and he let me have my haircut for free, he is lovely.

Then after that was when I found out that the shit who destroyed me had found me and had the police on me.

The shock left me wandering dazed and sick, not knowing where to go or how to cross the roads.

I went back to church, a man there who recognized me started talking cheerfully to me about bedding plants and then realised I was in difficulties and phoned his wife.
His wife gave him the phone number of someone from church who I like, and I phoned her and she came to speak with me and listen and I ranted and cried.
She assured me I was safe in their church, and then the minister came in quietly and told us he was there, and off he went to do this and that, eventually my friend had to go.
The Minister came and sat with me and he talked very gently and soothingly, not so long ago I was furious with him and as ever it was the tip of the iceberg of all the church hurt and it turned into a volcano until his quiet Christianity healed the wound and showed me I was safe with him and his church, and so here he was, sitting with me and talking and then we prepared the church for the last supper communion service.

The service was tough, I kept coughing, and I didn't take communion in case I infected anyone, someone asked me to go up for handwashing with them and I did but I was panicking, and then I was all flashbacks.

After the service I helped the minister to sort the church out for next day and tidy up, his wife made me a cuppa and we talked some more, then the minister gave me a ski-jacket to keep me warm in the cold weather as it continues, then they went home and I went to walk through the big dark night, because it was bank holiday weekend everyone was out revelling and partying so it was like a weekend night, I avoided any vigils in other churches and roamed the night with my headphones in.

I was rather startled when the burger van man tried to chat me up, he said I looked beautiful with my hair done and all smart in new jeans and ski jacket.

It was midnight when I bedded down, 1am when I slept and 4am when I got up again.
I don't seem to need much sleep any more but I was very tense, coughed blood and very upset about what has happened.

4am I roamed the streets, treasure hunting until McD's opened at 6am on a freezing sunny Good Friday morning.
I sat there for a few hours, reading the paper, eating breakfast and drinking tea.

Eventually I had wandered, hobbling badly, all over the place and went to wait for the others, we gathered and my friend walked with me as we did the Good Friday Parade and service.

It was short and sweet and then I had a coffee with my friend and she had to go so I went to sit on the church bench a while.
Hi peeps,

well a lot has happened, but most important and serious is that the diocese of the church of England who destroyed me have found me and are attacking through the police again.
I lived only for the hope that I had escaped them, my choices are limited - commit suicide or leave the country.

Thursday, 28 March 2013

Good morning you peeps,

Last night I sat on the bench by church and when church people arrived for a meeting they all greeted me and made a fuss, and one of them got me to come in and sit in the hall and drink tea while they had their meeting, and there was another meeting on that was a group renting a church room for a meeting, so when the church meeting ended the other meeting went on and the church people told me to stay in the hall and stay warm and drink tea until the caretaker came to lock up.

So I did, and the caretaker was surprisingly pleased to see me, he sat down and asked where I had been and what I had been up to, and he made me more tea and we nattered away and he said he was doing pressure washing the next day and I said could I help? so he said I could make the tea.
So this morning I am making the tea.
We had a really good chat about the garden, some of the church people want it changed, but it is a lovely garden and we are opposed to seeing it changed.

And then we parted company and off I went to wander happily in the big dark night with my earphones in. It felt good to wander in the cold dark night, I was not cold, I was happy.

Eventually I tucked down in the blanket pile in my porch, the only problem was that I suddenly coughed blood everywhere and couldn't see to clear it up in the dark, so this morning I was cleaning blood off my jumper :(

Anyway, it was my first night back out in the porch and it was well below freezing so I didn't expect to sleep much, but I was tired from the long walk and so I slept in shifts, an hour or so at a time, waking briefly to snuggle the blankets back around me and then more sleep, I certainly slept adequately for a first night out in such temperatures.
I woke not long before my alarms went off and decided to doze comfily, so I did, and then I did some more comfy dozing when the alarms went off.
Finally I had to get up and pack up my blankets and warm gear, I coughed up a lot and my hair looked like Jedward's so I combed it.

Then it was off to McD's for a hearty breakfast and cuppa, I did get a free breakfast voucher from the bins last night but had lost that but my money was through, I am now on my third tea.

See you later peeps, my legs are stiff but I am all ok, fine, nothing wrong, looking forward to a cuppa and a natter with the chappie at the church.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Well peeps,
I set off for my walk.
At first I was tired and shaky and worried because my energy has run out by lunch time each day and I was worried I wouldn't be able to walk.

At 10am I set off, and kept walking, and walking.
I settled into a slow steady pace, and was reasonably comfortable.

At midday I stopped and took an asparin and had some cereal bars as that was all I had left.

Then I plodded on, sometimes it was snowing lightly but it wasn't too cold, sometimes I had coughing fits.

On the way I stopped for the loo and some water a few times.

The last part of the walk was the hardest, by now I was limping and very slow and tired.

But there was a funny point when I was walking up a hill and I had my earphones in and the conversation on the radio was hilarious and my leg gave way, so I was staggering and laughing and coughing helplessly, the passing motorists must have thought I was mad!

The last few miles were real snail's pace. But I made it, at 3.30pm.

I went to McD's as I had a small fries voucher and I wolfed those small fries and used the loo and had a drink of water.
It is cold and will be well below freezing tonight, and there are snow clouds.

I wish one of my people would see me and think I look like I need a cup of tea.

Morning peeps,
I went to bed eventually but had to get up again to cough some more up.
Eventually I slept.

I slept through the night!

I woke up and I was breathing and not choking, I put the kettle on and took some co-codamol as the migraine is very much still there.

Then I started coughing up when a hot cup of tea warmed my system up, there is still a lot of blood coming up but I am not coughing like I was, I am a lot better. Wow.
It was one of the worst illnesses I have ever known, honestly peeps, I was never sick like that.

Today is the long walk day. 15 miles.
Gotta get home, not sure what I will do when I get there.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

Tomorrow I start my walk home.
so tonight I walked, I love this city, it is still the magical city of my childhood, and I walked down to where the old hostel used to be, where we lived when I was seven years old, some things haven't changed in 25 years and some things have changed a bit.
I walked further than I intended and I started coughing up on the way back.

When I got back I had a shower as I didn't have one this morning and I have continued to cough, a lot of blood but I do think the infection is clearing, the swelling in my face is going down and I am sure I will be fairly normal within a few days.

I should go to bed now peeps, or soon, I have done my gargles and covonia vapor and things.
Hi peeps,

Well I wandered to the library and by lunchtime I started felling tired again and my lungs felt like they had fluid in again and I began to wonder how sensible it was to keep treating this illness myself with just advice from the doctor and NHS by phone and email.

So I walked up to the hospital and they assessed me, and told me I was right that I was now starting to get better and that I should just keep up the nitroglycerine in order to keep my lungs clear and I should be ok.
Yay, all happy now, all lived happily ever after. It may take a few weeks, so I will keep eating vitamins and using TCP and salt.
Good morning peeps,

Last night I continued to cough and to use salt water and TCP and covonia and everything else.
I didn't sleep well but I slept, and at about 2am I had to get up and clear my lungs out.
Then I slept again.

When I woke there was a small pool of blood by my head and I coughed a lot of blood, this is just because the blood vessels have been damaged by coughing.

I am slightly better, it did not take an hour to clear my lungs this morning. Well not really, it is kind of an ongoing thing.
I have a migraine triggered by the injury that has been upset by the coughing, but even so, I have a feeling that as long as my lungs clear and do not retain anything that re-infects, I will be ok.

I put deep heat cream on my ribcage to encourage my lungs to clear :)

Yesterday the doctor told me to go to the clinic, but I was hot and tired so I fell asleep and didn't, but I think yesterday would have been the day I was going to hospital if I had gone. It would be my worst nightmare and so if I can stay out of hospital I will.
I am here until tomorrow and then I have a 15 mile walk home.

It is nice to be here, it is nice to be in this city, this is where I run to in a crisis.
I like the cold weather and the dark and all the streetlights, being indoors took that away from me.

I have pneumonia and here I am, still on my feet and typing away. I used to think pneumonia was fatal, but I have seen a few friends recover from it so I know it can be done. I still have a temperature, but while I am still lucid and it is only 38C I am ok, if it gets any worse I will jump out the window and swim to the hospital, or was that fly?

:) peeps, unless it relapses, I will be fine, I almost feel like smiling right now. bei

Monday, 25 March 2013

I felt increasingly unwell and tired so I came back here.
Really the symptoms of serious chest infection or walking pneumonia is showing in the chest pain and fever.

I have gargled one glass of salt water and one glass of water with TCP and drank a glass of water with asperin in it.
I tried to lie down to sleep but didn't manage to.

Hi peeps,
I am still coughing a lot.
The coughing has triggered the injury, which has triggered a migraine.

I must go and have some lunch soon. I am glad it is cold because I am roasty hot.
I still like eating things, which is a good sign.
I am happy because I can get a copy of the Metro in this town, I love the Metro.

Peeps, Easter is approaching and I cannot get chocolate egg or a nice roast dinner or even be with anyone because this disease is too nasty to catch and I cannot get anywhere at the moment.
I am in the Bed and breakfast one more night, maybe two if I'm lucky, then the money is gone and I can't get home, the weather is very cold for sleeping rough with whooping cough, and I am unsure where to go, what to do or how to do it.
Please pray for me.
Good morning peeps,
well I nearly slept through the night, I had to get up between 3 and 4am and clear my chest and tubes and take some meds.
Then I thankfully slept again.
I woke in a panic when the alarm went off at 7am, I thought it was 7.30 and I was worried because I turned the alarm off and I was worried about falling asleep again.

But I got up and started clearing my lungs, at first I thought I was quite a lot better, especially as I has slept, but now I am hot and producing a lot of mucus and blood and things again.That is what I have been doing since 7am, coughing up and taking meds.

It is a cold cloudy day, no snow yet, but I will go out after breakfast and try to cool down.

Sunday, 24 March 2013

I walked to church this morning in the snow.
I sat at the back with the welcomers so I could run out if my coughing disturbed anyone, but there was someone coughing worse than I was.

After the service I came back and coughed some more, then I went into town to do some necessary shopping, the holes in my jeans had become indecent and they were my only pair and I had to wear them with thermal leggings because they were so ripped.
I went to Primark and got a new thermal top and leggings as the old ones were also extremely holey and tatty.
There were no suitable jeans at Primark so I tried BHS and was lucky to get a good pair at a discount, and they fit well. Wow.

I also got a load more medicines.

I have never been this ill in my memory, the coughing up of phleghm, mucus and blood is constant and I don't get any better for it, my throat rages and my face is swollen, red and sore.
It is a constant process of meds, coughing up, blowing my nose and trying to get relief.
I even filled a basin with boiling water and added covonia, I have never done that before.

My friends on Facebook kept me cheered up and 'Are you being served' the film version was on telly, so I watched that and posted 'The teeth of doom' on Facebook.

Then I had an increasing feeling, however random, that my friend and her husband would be going to mass nearby and I had to go and get food and more lozenges anyway so I headed that way.
I waited outside the church and the priests told me to come in from the cold and I told them I only wanted to say hello to my friends and I daren't stay for mass in case anyone got the infection.
The priests kindly told me it was fine to come in, and my friends did indeed turn up, and the look on my friend's face was priceless when she saw me. I fell about laughing.
I had no credit to text and she is never on email, so it was purely luck that they were there for mass.
I ended up sitting at the back with her for mass and I didn't shake hands with anyone or hug my friend.
After mass they had to go and I went to get my necessities and then came back here.
It is very cold but I am still too hot, you could fry an egg on my head, but please don't.
I spoke to the lady at the NHS emergency room and she said I need some nitroglycerine or gelignite or something, so I will toddle to the pharmacy after I have asked the shouty priest to pray for me.
I went for a walk, it is cold but I was hot, I am hot.
I coughed some more, had some breakfast and wished I didn't because I coughed.
I had a shower and coughed some more.
I am glad I am not on the island in the bad weather.
well peeps,
I thought about it and I remembered the guy saying the hospital told him it was the 100-day cough, so I looked that up and that means whooping cough! damn! I doubt that he even knew what they were telling him he had, they told him not to smoke but he told them to shut up apparently.
It doesn't explain the bloody diahhroea but I get that sometimes anyway.

I had whooping cough when I was 5 or 6, because my parents didn't believe in medicine or vaccines or anything we all got all the illnesses, including whooping cough.
The one thing my parents did while we had whooping cough was give us vitamin tablets and this was like a treat for us, kiddie vitamins in brightly coloured tablets, we thought it was novel and special.

Anyway, resistance to whooping cough doesn't last forever and because all the old churchypeeps prayed me indoors I ended up in a slumhouse where the men got whooping cough and so I got it, there is a slight chance it is TB but I doubt it. so stop praying me indoors please, I don't get sick on the streets apart from my insides being a bit bonkers.

It is not yet light enough outside to go and roam about, this particular city is not one I roam about in in the early hours of Sunday in the dark, because however smart I think I am, this is a dangerous place at night, so in half an hour or so when it is light I will go for a mooch around.
I have to say, I seem to have cleared my lungs a bit :) too much blood, but I think coughing damages blood vessels sometimes.

4am in the morning peeps,

I wasn't really asleep, I was in pain from a raging sore throat and temperature, then I started coughing, and didn't stop.
I also realised that I have been dependent on herbal remedies for sleep recently and haven't taken any kind of meds.
So I got up, coughed up loads and loads and loads of mucus and blood and took a herbal remedy and a beechams all-in-one capsule and some nurofen.
Unfortunately the coughing does not mean I am getting better, it did not mean that the other guys were getting better.
My lungs hurt a lot.
I am brewing a hot drink and I am worried because I am supposed to be at breakfast at 8am and I am going to be an utter wreck.
I want to go to church and ask the loud priest to pray for me in the morning but I do not want anyone catching this, it is not just absolutely lethal, it is very infectious.

Saturday, 23 March 2013

I spent a month indoors and couldn't cope with it, this is why I only told a few people I was trying to live indoors, because it rarely works out for a long-term rough sleeper.

anyway, I am here in my bolthole, I feel sad and a bit directionless and unsure of the future. I know I will have 'new rough sleeper shock' for a while because I have been indoors for a month, and the weather is cold, i still have this virus and Easter is approaching, ho-hum.