I am not sure what to write tonight, I wish I could come out of the stupor of procrastination and tell you everything, but this blog isn't just for everything, it is to share my day to day feelings and experiences from now and in the past, my homeless past over the past year and my previous life that was so fragile and taken from me so violently.
When I say 'You', I know that as yet no-one is reading this, but it helps me to write this, to share this hidden unnoticed secret ghost life on the streets. I am one of many homeless people who is not seen as homeless because I am only outdoors in the sense that I sleep rough, during the day I do as all house dwellers do, I wash or shower and keep myself neat, clean and hygeinic, I eat and drink and read and interact and go to appointments, I do not sit in doorways smoking and drinking, I avoid trouble and for the most part I am solitary and seek the company, help and shelter that I feel that I need. At night I sleep alone and hidden, never in subways or doorways, if I need to then I light my stove at night and brew a hot drink, I sleep on cardboard or old blankets or duvets usually with a sleeping bag and blankets and if undisturbed I sleep as well if not better than many house dwellers. I carry a backpack which contains my world, my medicines, my toiletries and paperwork and whatever I need, anything else is stashed in bushes in plastic bags, so all you see is a clean looking, rather odd young person who most people assume is a student, I seem younger than my years.
I hate to be a burden but when I accept food and help from daycentres, churches and kind people then I tell myself this is what is offered and in the case of daycentres and homeless services that is what they are there for and I only take what I need, and I know from my Catholic friend that I bless people who I accept help from, even though the church made me feel guilty about help I accepted because they called me a user.

One of my biggest worries is always the police, I will always feel vulnerable to them because of the terrible one sided inaccurate record that my destroyers have given me, I feel vulnerable when sleeping discreetly on private ground when I absolutely have to, or if there are fights and aggression among the homeless people, especially if any aggression is aimed at me. I have flashbacks when other homeless people talk about the police trouble they are or were in, they are so matter of fact, as if it is all ok and not a bad thing, while I am dying of shame and trauma inside, the other homeless people matter of factly talk about going to court and how they probably wont be around if they are sent to prison, it horrifys me and puts me back in trauma and shock.
I never in my life meant to be bad and the injustice of what my destroyers have got away with will never heal, every day the despair of my vanished life washes over me, and at night at bed time and when I wake, the traumas and injustices engulf me, I often phone the Samaritans at bedtime to keep the traumas out of my sleep.
I cannot begin to describe the way it feels to lose your whole life when that life took so much effort to build and maintain, and to be destroyed in such a way by such people. I cannot begin to tell you what it is like to hear your whole life and truth completely denied, and to see the hard won colour and achievement in your life ripped callously away and to be told it is your own fault and that the wrongdoers are blameless, there is no better or more effective way of destroying a soul.