I am sitting in the library, it is hard to keep all the pain and distress inside and I am glad that I am writing it down, I am also afraid that some unkind person is going to delete it, I need to speak, I need to share this terrible distress.

Off topic, something I missed out of an earlier post today that was quite an anxiety making encounter, I was walking from the daycentre to the doctor when the big issue seller who I know stopped me because he wanted to talk, he was suffering from far too much alcohol and cigarettes last night and he admitted it, he wanted to hug me a lot, he wanted to be my boyfriend and I said I wasn't looking for anyone, but in his alcoholic state he wasn't listening to that, he did a twirl and said 'what do you think?'
he is slim and fit and not bad looking but I don't want a relationship, why bring more pain and suffering into my condemned life and his struggling life? I said again that I wasn't ready for a relationship, I didn't want to offend him so I said lets start with being friends, he agreed, but he said he wanted to talk about it later at soup kitchen, oh horrors, I hope he has sobered up and got more sense by then, I do not want a relationship forced on me, I do not want to offend him and I really don't understand why he likes me. I don't understand why any man should like me, and I am so humiliated by the untrue things that the church have said about me that I will never ever seek out a relationship or close friendship again.
When I refer to 'The Church' I am talking about the people, priests, deanery and diocese that have destroyed me and left me homeless and on the run and too ashamed and damaged to live.

Here online at the same time as blogging I am in a private goup for clergy abuse survivors, one person has been told by the church that they have demons because they self harm because of abuse, another person was called a 'harlot' which is a Biblical term for a whore, one person was called stupid as if it was their fault, I was called wicked, malicious, a liar, a troublemaker, the people calling us these names are so-called Christians, church leaders, the people using these names against abuse victims are people who are covering up and denying that abuse happened, and that is as far from Jesus and the message of the New Testemant as you can get.

Homeless people are dependent on the church, very much so, most outreach to homeless people and a lot of nightshelters, hostels and daycentres are church based, of varying denominations, and this has added to my problems, as I did not and could not escape the church people who had destroyed me a year ago once I had been made homeless because they got access to me and my personal life through a nightshelter that was under their patronage, a connected daycentre, the other local services linked to that, and the local churches, as well as contacting my friends about me in pretence of concern, leaving me maligned, humiliated and driven out. My protests at their constant harmful interventions on top of what they had already done led to them trying to have me sectioned as insane, failing to have me diagnosed as having a serious mental illness and then having me arrested and using lies in their statements to make it look as if I had made unsolicited aggravated contact with them since being made homeless, when in reality three months of severe damage to me on top of previous damage had occured since they made me homeless before I made contact in protest against their intervention, and for that protest they had me arrested.
Here I am utterly destroyed.