Hi peeps,
I went for lunch earlier and went to my churches, church one got me a tasty but only warm cup of tea, but it was nice to see them, the other church plied me with hot tea and coffee as I looked at their christmas fair preparations and held a ladder and passed things up. I will miss the Christmas fair but at least I helped with preparation.
My blanket and sleeping bag were on the shelf there and I asked if I could leave them there safe and dry while I am away.

I continued my writing here, the book reached 356 pages.

It is going to be very cold but I am indoors tonight.

Morning peeps,
I need tea,
addiction is a terrible thing.

Last night was bone cold even by the time I came out of the library.
I went to McD's for a hot drink and forgot all about feeding myself. Yesterday was not a good day for food, I just kept forgetting.
I went riding on the buses and listening to my radio, stopped to put my thermals on and deal with upset stomach, I must have accidentally had something with aspartame in.
When I got back to the bus station, I fell on the bus and hit my leg against something. OW!
I have a bruise. So hurt leg and grumpy stomach, so I went and sat in the pub with a few cups of tea and my computer and contemplated the disaster of two cups of tea before getting into my blanket pile on a cold night, it always means having to unwrap and get cold in order to have a pee.

Eventually it was late enough to go back to my sleeping place, and there was no one nearby, the roofs and cars and the ground were covered in hard frost and the cold even bit through my thermals and I had a moment of wondering if I really would be ok sleeping out in this weather, but I have those moments and I am always ok. I put my cardboard and roll mat down and created my blanket pile and climbed into it and was out like a light.

I slept all night and woke in the morning feeling a bit too hot and a little dizzy headed as a result.
I have a funny way of waking up in the morning, I kind of wake up and poke my nose out of the pile and if it is still dark but I can hear the roar of traffic I know it is early morning and that I can have a quick lazy doze before getting up, and if it is getting light then I know it is time to scramble.
So when it came to scramble time I scrambled, and had a pee because I had not woken in the night for a pee, then I stashed my things and went to McD's.
I sat in McD's for a whole lazy hour and then went to have a quick wash and then I read my paper and waited for the library to open.
The temperatures are staying low at the moment. and wintry showers are expected, maybe I can make a very small snowman :)

I walked down to physiotherapy this morning, the sun was shining, the sky was blue, it was bitter cold and the boats on the incoming tide looked amazing.
I was happy, I suppose. It was a lovely walk.
Physio was ok, and I asked him if I could do a sponsored walk on this leg, he said it should be ok.
I am hoping to do a walk soon. :)

I got some jeans on the way back and left my clothes to be washed by the lady at church, then I had a shower, and I have been writing ever since.
It is already bitterly cold outdoors.

Good morning peeps,

Last night I managed to start progressing with the book, then when the library closed I went on the ferries, the little ferry and the medium ferry. I didn't come to any harm, and I got back to my sleeping place.
I settled to sleep, wrapping up warm because it was going to get really cold, not just cold according to house dwellers, which is nothing.
But just as I settled down a load of very noisy young people from the pub came out shouting and making a noise, so I muttered cross things and waited for them to go.
Then I slept.

I was half awake from quite early with my bedding running off in all directions, I was having anxiety dreams about being found and all sorts of things.
I got up and stashed my cardboard and had a pee, then I stashed my bedding.
It is a cold frosty morning.
Here I am having brekky.

I have physio this morning.

I swapped libraries because the other closes at 5 and this one closes at 7 and I haven't got much done.
it's cold.

Hello peeps,
Nice to see you again.

Last night I got the train back and was glad of my radio as it helps me keep calm on public transport, I got back and walked up to the church and there was worship group and one of my friends was sitting outside because she had been doing Christmas fete preparations and had a cold so she didn't want to go in to the group, she made me a cuppa and offered me a cake, and we sat and talked.
When worship group finished, our other friend came out and asked if I was coming home with them, and so I was going home with them, and they took my wet bedding to wash and dry.

We went home, had some tasty casserole and some tea and I went to sleep on the rug.
I had lots of night terrors that I couldn't reach to understand and I woke needing the loo at one point and slept again.
In the morning it was tea and toast and then I emptied my backpack and repacked everything except the rubbish into the new bag.
Then I put my new boots and teeshirt and jumper on.

Then I set off back here.
It was a simple enough journey, and I got to the my hedge and stashed a few things, I have named it my 'store-hedge'.
Then I wandered into my church and had a cup of tea with everyone who had been good and been to communion unlike me.
Then I went to get a shower and washed all the hair out of my hair and ended up squeaky clean and had a cuppa with the secretary.
Then finally I got back here to the library, after several days absence just when I most need to be writing.

Hi peeples,
It has been a very busy day.

This morning I went shopping, I got some heat spray and cooling spray for my leg because the physio said if I could then I should put heat on it in the morning and ice on it at night, and that is the best I could do.
I also got some knickers and some socks.
Then I went to get a shower, and I clipped my poor dirty long fingernails and had a thorough soapy shower.
Then I had a cup of tea with the lovely secretary.
Then I had more tea with my friends who get to the community centre long before the lunch just to drink tea and socialise.
Then I booked a haircut and went to try to do the rest of my shopping, my list was boots - because the ones I am wearing have gone at the seams, a backpack because mine has gone at the seams, and a pair of jeans because mine are smelly and need washing.
I didn't find anything.

I went back to the community lunch and everyone was lovely, the lady who runs it made a fuss of me and gave me a roll mat which is still in it's packet. She also gave me her phone number and said if at any time I needed to be out of the weather, she would come and get me and I could sleep on her sofa.
I had a nice lunch and went for my hair cut.
I had a lovely chat with the hairdresser and he was amazed about my life and said he wanted me to have my haircut for free and that the money could go towards my new boots instead. Wow, he was a good hairdresser and he said my haircut should stay nice for a few months.

I wandered into church and my friends were church sitting and the other homeless lady was there.
The other homeless lady was struggling too much in our town and wanted to go to one of the cities and get help and get into the system.
I drew her a map and gave her information of where to go if she did go to the city.
I had a cup of tea and was getting worried that I need to get on with the book and it was already afternoon.
I went to continue my shopping, got a new backpack, got some handwarmers for me and the other woman, got a new teeshirt but couldn't yet get boots or jeans.
I took the handwarmers back to the other woman and told her about putting one in your sleeping bag and one by your head and they help to keep you toasty all night.
The vicar came to do a service and said hello, and then I asked the other homeless lady if she would like me to buy us both a train ticket and I would show her where the hostel was in the city as it was not easy to find but was a big direct access hostel which would look after her and refer her on.

she agreed and the church sitters were a bit amazed at me and offered me money towards the fares while the woman went to the loo, then we set off and got the train and I managed to find my way through the long and complicated route to the hostel, but she lost her nerve when we got there and so we sat and I asked her what she wanted to do, because it had been quite a trek to get there.
She said she didn't want to go through the gory details of her past with any hostel staff, and I told her that hostel staff know that because no homeless person does.
She sat there and said she would go in eventually and at least talk to them about soup runs and daycentres.
I left her there and felt guilty, but there wasn't anything more I could do, she wanted to be in this city and not our town, she wanted to stay and all I could do was leave her there.
at least I got her a return ticket just in case.

so I got a bus into the city centre and immediately found the outdoors shop and a pair of boots.
Then I went to a fast food restaurant and had some chicken and chips and a very nice cup of coffee.
Then here I am in the library in this city, I have an hour before it closes to do the only writing I have had time to do today!
Peeps, the weather is changing, the autumn storms are ending and the winter cold is coming in.
Ignore global warming nonsense, we have autumn storms every year, I know because I have been out in them every year.

Hi bloggys,
It's funny, every year we have the autumn storms and flooding and every year the press treat it as a brand new disaster caused by global warming. If it is then global warming is nothing new at all and has never made any difference to us.

Last night after library time I went on the buses, and ended up at the port.
I don't know how it happened but my feet walked me down to the ferry just as it was boarding, and I ended up at the desk and I blurted out 'Am I too late? how much is it?' and the man laughed and said I wasn't too late if he hurried and it depended on what ticket I wanted.
He did me a cheap ticket and I leaped onto the ferry as it pulled away.

I was worried what it would do to me, being on the ferry, but I was ok, my brain just said 'oh, are we going home then? soft bed? it was all a nightmare?'
And seeing the lights of the island only comforted me, it didn't hurt.

I didn't really have anywhere to go on the island, so I walked and looked at the sea.
Then I found a cosy corner with a power socket and wrote a few pages of the book.

Then I came back again, and by the time I got back here it was safe to bed down in the porch, so I bedded down snugly and was out like a light, slept all night but had lots of dreams, which means I wasn't that deeply asleep.
Woke lazily and stayed lazy until 7.30, which is cutting it fine. Got up and stashed and went for usual breakfast in McD's

I went for lunch and managed to buy a new top, good, I just need a new pair of trousers, some underwear, a hair cut and a shower and to cut my nails and I will be respectable again, for five minutes.
Not getting much work done today, and I am aiming to get as much as possible done in time for Friday because that is when I will be looking to print some of it off for my friend.

Hi peepypies,
Life is as smooth as a square wheel. I am clunky.

Yesterday was wet and windy, the Christmas lights were due to be switched on and town was very crowded, I went to sit and read a book in a porch and wrapped myself in my sleeping bag, I couldn't light my stove because of the weather and I had a nosey person staring at me so I offered them a blanket.

I read my book and then clunked miserably in the direction of the christmas lights celebration and endured that.
Then I found some donuts in a bin, and the other homeless woman came along so I shared my donuts with her.

Then I went to collect some things from the pastor at the church that I have been having a break from, I have decided to leave their church, sad but for the best.

Then I walked back and wandered around, no money left because the cash point is out of order, nowhere to go, fortunately I gathered enough stickers for a hot chocolate at McD's and then it stopped raining and the sky cleared, so I went to my sleeping place.

It was only 8.30 but I was very tired, I couldn't go to my porch because of the usual drunk people, so I went to my corner and bedded down, I wasn't really warm enough but I was tired so I fell asleep.
I woke at 11.40pm,bursting for the loo and it was just starting to rain, so I watered the wall and moved myself and my bedding into my porch, it is always warmer in the porch and I tucked down snugly and slept as a raging storm busily raged, occasionally I almost woke up and told the storm to rage a bit more quietly, but I slept snug, in the morning I felt all warm and comfy and dead lazy, so I lazed about in bed until 7.30, seeing as I had no money for a hot drink anyway.

I got up and hunted for stickers but found nothing. I had a wash and waited around and read my book, then I was delighted to find that the post office opened early because of christmas, and the machine was working, so I got myself a much needed cuppa and a bacon roll.

Then it was time for morning prayer, and one of the delightful church ladies joined me and the Vicar for morning prayer, she takes an interest in my life and we all had a long chat.
Then I wandered to find my shower but the lady wasn't there, she will be there tomorrow apparently, even though today is usually her day and tomorrow is not, but anyway, the man got me a cuppa and I wandered to my church and said hello and then wandered on, collected a sleeping bag someone had put out for me, and also saw the other homeless lady and said hello to her.

Here I am, still rather clunky and low. :(

Yesterday afternoon was bad, I was writing a sad and traumatic part of my book and was feeling low anyway and then I had to deal with trouble.
When the library closed, I went to the loo, and found a six of seven year old boy in the cubicle I went to, he was in there alone and so I advised him to lock the door, for his sake and the sake of any woman who accidentally walked in, but his mother, in another cubicle, started shouting at me and calling me names and continued this with an Eastenders/council house trash style attempt to stick her face into mine, which I never take any notice of, she tried to tell me that I was unnacceptable to society and would never be a parent, which made me wonder what she thought she was, especially behaving like that in front of a child.

Anyway, things like that upset me, so I walked round and round, and it rained and rained.
I managed to get through to my friends eventually on the phone and they invited me home to sleep on their rug because the forecast was for the worst weather yet.

So I wandered to their house and had some tea and slept on the rug, woke up too hot, we went to church and I found it hard, especially as I was crowded out by a man who refused to accept that I didn't want to be that close to a man and then he took my seat, so not my best morning.
I was invited back by my friend but I couldn't cope with any more hotness or interaction, so I came back here but the cash point was broken and I can only use post office cash points, so I had no money until the vicar wandered past and gave me some money to 'get out of the cold and get a hot drink'.

Here I am, a tad gloomy but ok apart from that.

It has continued to rain, I went to the community lunch and it was really good, the other homeless woman was there and she told me that the bedding that I got for her had been stolen when she stashed it, which does happen a lot, especially on council property.
I went and got her a sleeping bag and a blanket again, she had a lightweight sleeping bag but that is never enough in this weather.

I went to repack my own bedding and the gardener came out and brought me tea and biscuits and told me to come in and dry out a bit when I had sorted my bedding out.
I went in and dried, and I looked in the new church magazine and there was the first installment of my article on homelessness.

I wandered back here and am snoozing at my computer.

Hi peeps,
I just went and had breakfast with some ladies,
I am not a women's breakfast person but I like tea and toast.
It is raining and the weather is due to be bad.

I am having lunch today :)

Good morning peeps,
yesterday I went riding on the buses,
it was Friday night and it was cold as well,
I knew I would be up late and I was bored as well.

I went up and down on the buses, stopped to put my thermals on and had a few cuppas at Subway.

Eventually I was too tired so I got my things and went to my corner and settled down.
I haven't got enough dry bedding and so I got into my survival bag as well and was ok then.
Too tired to stay awake and worry about drunks, I slept most of the night apart from toilet breaks.

The alarm was going off this morning and I wanted to ignore it but then I realised it was raining, and I wasn't under cover, it can't have been raining long but I packed up and stashed and headed for McD's.

The book is 286 pages now.

sorry to take the blog offline for a day but I am trying to get rid of the idiots and their spam stats.

Hi peeps,
I had a wash in case there was no shower available, walked around, got some shower gel, went to see if I could shower, the secretary was there and she has been off sick but is ok now, so I had a big long shower and had to army dry myself because someone had pinched the towels.
Then I had a look round the chattery shops, there wasn't much by way of bedding and I need some dry bedding, I did get a wallet though, because my wallet fell apart recently and that has caused a lot of inconvenience.
It is amazing to walk properly, I keep expecting pain, crunching or limping but I can walk ok, for the moment.

Good morning peeps,
I had a few cups of tea in the pub and put my thermals on as the weather howled and raged outside,
eventually I had to go out there into the weather, my sleeping place wasn't a long walk away but by the time I got there I was a bit wet.
My cardboard was dry in it's dustbin and my bedding ranged from dry-ish to wet, despite being bagged up in black bags, the rain had been finding ways in through little holes, blown by the wind.

The porch was fairly dry, spray from the wind and rain had been getting in but it was
dry enough, definately.
My balaclava was damp but better than nothing, and my fleece top jumpers were dry. Balaclava on wet hair will mean I have a wild mop on my head tomorrow.

I put the cardboard down and put my backpack as my pillow, I put my little duvet on the cardboard with the wet parts on the outside, put the zipless sleeping bag on the backpack to cover my head and shoulders as it is dry, I got into my mummy sleeping bag, which was wet on the outside but dry inside, then I used an 'emergency measure' because of the wind and rain, I got my survival bag out and climbed into that so that it was round the outside of the sleeping bag and up to my chest.
The emergency bag is a hypothermia prevention aid, used by mountain walkers and climbers and crazy homeless people, it is a big strong plastic bag that is wind and water proof and traps body heat.
It would keep me from the rain and wind if the wind started bringing the rain into the porch.
It got a bit damp inside the bag because of the wet sleeping bag, and I put the other wet sleeping bag on top as an extra measure but kept all the wet bedding free of my head and shoulders and neck and just had the dry sleeping bag there. I also put a handwarmer in my sleeping bag and one by my head.
Thankfully the rain mainly stayed out and the wind began to ease.

I dozed but needed the loo later, hopped up in the bag and pulled everything down enough to use the shewee on the drain, a bit of a disaster but better than wetting the bed, tucked back down and slept.

woke at 3am and was pleased to have even got that much sleep, the weather had calmed a lot, slept again, dreamed of my squiblings (squabbling siblings) and woke with the alarm, the good thing about bad nights is that you are less likely to be disturbed by hooligans or rogues cos they stay indoors.
Despite the damp and cold I was reluctant to get up and tried to snuggle my head in the sleeping bag a bit longer, holding a still hot handwarmer.
Eventually I got up, my leg took my weight and was in no pain, I didn't stop to do any exercises because I wanted to get packed up and into McD's for hot tea.

I packed up the  bedding, dryish bedding and spare clothes in the survival bag and separate bags for the wet bedding, cardbaord in the dustbin, everything stashed, then I found my brush and beat my hair into submission.
I managed around 7 hours sleep last night despite the circumstances, which is pretty damn good.

Off to McD's and the usual cuppa and bagel.
It is wet and dark out there but clearing up, and there is a better forecast for the day and tonight, mmy police jumper is wet at the collar and I should change out of it but I don't have another lightweight jumper. Well I don't know where the other jumper went.

why ruin my blog with fake statistics? what on earth do you get out of it?
Is it a stupid machine doing this or someone hacking to get money from adsense?
I keep getting 'adsense watchdog' statistics, I am not using adsense on this blog!
so what are these stupid 'zombie stat' statistics?
I thought it was only Russia that used other people's blogs and caused annoyance and upset that way.

We've managed to keep the old boy's club eh wot old chap, those lassies are all very well in Village churches and Wi's but they never went to Eton did they?

Hi peeps,
I am in the pub, drinking tea.
The weather is wild and mad,
my typing finger has a cut in it from a razor that lost it's cover while in my backpack, ouch.

I went on the buses and went up to the port, the sea is big and roiling with a swell but the big ferries and little ferries are still running. Amazingly.
And yes, roiling is a word, it is a french derived word meaning angry sea, a place where the sea swirls and fights :)
It will be a bad night weatherwise and I have an hour and a half to wait until I can even try to kip down.
I have internal problems again, blood and bile and pain.

The other homeless woman seems to have moved on, I haven't seen her today.

Hello bloggy type peeps.

Yesterday evening I went and found the other homeless lady a slab of cardboard, then I went and helped with fete preparations and then I went back with my new friends to sleep on their rug.
We had home cooked egg and chips and lots of tea, and then I wandered around the rug and fell alseep.

I woke in the early hours in distress, I went to the loo and one of the dogs gave a bark.
I went back and tried to sleep but I was getting distressed.
I wasn't too hot, this house is nice and old and has cold drafts to keep me cool, but I was simply having the terrors because of being indoors.

I slept again and woke when everyone else was up, I ate copious amounts of toast and drank gallons of tea as mugs of tea kept appearing as we talked.

Then I went to the post office to get some money, and I climbed up the bak to the sea and watched the raging wind whipping the sea into a snarling foaming frenzy.
Then my friend was going to drop me off to make my own way back here because I had physio booked.
I got to the train station but there was a problem on the line and everything was delayed, oh no, last time I had physio there were bus problems and I missed my appointment.

The station staff directed us all onto a train that we could get to another station where we could change and get to our destinations, but the trains from that station were also delayed or cancelled and I got a bit worried.
Eventually a train came in, and I was lucky and got a seat and got back to my town.
There was an hour and twenty minutes before I was due for physio, so actually I had done well to get  back.
I went and tried my luck with the shower, and the lady wasn't there but someone else let me in and arranged for me to have a shower.
I was very relieved, my hair was filthy with more than a week's worth of grease and dirt, and I wanted to be clean and shaved for the physio. So I managed to get clean and sorted, then I went into town, hurried into the pound store and got knickers, mouthwash and spray deodorant, I used some mouthwash as I walked but there was no time to change my knickers or spray deodorant in my boots or trousers.

I went to the bus station, the buses are so erratic and silly, the one I was waiting for didn't turn up, but there is a new route and a bus on that goes to where I needed to be and that bus came in and I got that, the man didn't really know where I was talking about but I knew he stopped there so I got that bus.
I got to the physio on time but the guy was running late, so I went to the loo and changed my knickers and sprayed deodorant and gargled more mouthwash, so I was highly respectable.

Then it was time for physio and I told him all about it and he said it is scar tissue in the damaged ligaments that is causing the main problem because it is seizing everything up and causing pain so everything locks, he said I was very clunky because it had seized up.
Cheek! No one has ever called me clunky before!

He was a nice man and he talked about gardening as he tortured me, then he plugged me into a machine with electrodes and suction pads and this was supposed to ease the pain and encourage circulation through the bad area.
He told me what to do to prepare my leg to take my weight before I stand up in the morning and before I stand when I have been sitting for a while.
The physio has made a difference and I am going back for more next week.

I came back into town, church was closed and I had a cuppa from the van and chatted to a lady who was working in the church garden.
There is no sign of the other homeless woman.
The weather is dire, well I like it as long as I can sleep though it at night. Strong winds and rain.

Hi Peeps,

yesterday evening I had a walk around, listening to my radio on top volume, then I went to church for Bible study, at the end of Bible study several people wanted to offer me a bed for the night because the weather was so wild and wet and windy, but I explained that I simply cannot sleep in a bed, so they offered me floors instead.
One of them is too much for me so I politely turned her down, but the other two are lovely and eventually they persuaded me.
They lived quite a long way from church, I was actually surprised, but they both work for the church and actually work in a number of churches accross the district.

They live right on the tip of the island, next to a tidal creek that goes into the sea, they have five dogs, four collies and one terrier, and the dogs are lovely, so I was happy with that.
When we got to the house they made me a hot meal and I tucked down on a lovely big soft rug, under a big soft duvet that smelled of soap and wood smoke, and I wandered around the rug and fell asleep.

In the morning I woke and wondered if the barky collie would bark and wake the whole house if I went to the loo. But by the time I got up, one of the ladies was up and she was in her dressing gown, icing a cake for a Birthday, she is another cake maker, I wonder why I meet so many people who do this as a hobby.

I had some nice tea and toast for my breakfast, this household believes in tea, which is good.
The weather was wild and stormy, lovely, the dogs went for a pee and I stood outside looking at the creek and the harbour in the storm, the swift spring tide was hurrying out.

I snuggled back in the duvet on the sofa but when one of the ladies went to walk the dogs I went with her, we took them in the car to a beach the other side of the island, hyper dogs in cars is always a pain.
We walked across the dunes and along the beach, the howling wind made my ears hurt but it was beautiful, I could almost pretend I was home and that I was walking on the West beach and it was too windy for sailing. I had to keep my brain asleep and just confuse it with this dream rather than grieving for the reality of the situation. Over the water the other island loomed and made the dream/reality more vivid.

We went home for more tea, and as I was chatting with the other lady she suggested I wrote an article for the church magazine that she was just preparing, an article on homelessness, so I did that, it will be my second article for different church magazines and this article is to help explain to church people how they can help the homeless.

Then it was time to come back here and we went to the church, one lady had a meeting to go to with the priest in another town and the other lady and I were due to be working on Christmas fete preparations but there was an hour to go before that started, so I went to see if I could get a shower but the lady still wasn't there, I am worried for her now.
I went over the road and the church sitters were the ones who dissaprove of the homeless, and there was another homeless woman there, newly out on the streets, helpess and struggling as I was in my first weeks on the street and she had no bedding and the church sitters didn't really want to help, so I tried to find the lady from the basics bank and couldn't so I got this woman some of my blankets and didn't know what else to do. She needs to be herself and not have anyone patronizing her, but no one can be out without bedding at this time of year, tension from cold and lack of sleep are killers.

I went back to help with the fete preparations and have had an awful time producing hearts to raise money for Romania, I love to help but I hate craft!

I will see what I can do to further help the other homeless woman later, and I will also go back to fete preparations this evening, and I have been offered another night in and seeing as it isn't making me ill and the flashbacks are controllable, I may well do that.

I just had a good lunch break.
I went to the community meal with my voucher, they made me very welcome and got me hot dogs and lemonade and a mug of soup.
It was quiet and well organised so everyone had space. Nothing scary or panicky, which was what I had been worried about.

a few people introduced themselves and I had a cup of tea with them.
I like it. I like good lunch clubs and community meals, because that is where you meet salt of the earth people, some have learning difficulties, some have mental health problems, some are just lonely, isolated or hurt, and a place like that does them great good.
So I have been invited to the next meal on Saturday, which will be a roast dinner! And I am told i don't need vouchers any more, i should just come to every meal on Saturdays and Tuesdays :) I suppose I had better overwinter here eh?
The lady running the meal says she will bring me a roll mat on saturday, which will be handly, I have done well with my scheme to keep my bit of cardboard all this time but eventually I will lose it, I save it in the dustbin, dry and safe, and every time the dustbin is put out I swipe it back. I have kept it for weeks like that.

Anyway, after lunch I went to church and ended up with the usual coffee and conversation.
I asked the church if I can sit in there for part of tomorrow as the library is closed tomorrow.
So I will go to morning prayer and communion as usual tomorrow or maybe miss communion for a shower, and then I will sit in there and maybe get some writing done.
The weather is due to be bad all of today and tonight into tomorrow morning, but with temperatures staying mild.

Everyone is asking about my stick and I cheerfully tell them it is to poke people who annoy me.
Do any of you remember me doing that before in recent years? :) It is still funny.

I have just finished 'Runaway' by Skye Sinclaire.
I have to recommend it, it is a profound book.
she has done so much better than me.
But there are similarities.

why do I get these fake statistics from America?

Good morning peepys,
Nice weather for dux.

Last night I went riding on the buses until late and waited for it to be quieter and the sodium lights to go out so I could go to the porch in peace.
I got to the porch when the lights went out and managed to sort out my bedding before some noisy people came out of the pub, but I was in the shadows with the dark sleeping bags at the top of the pile so I wasn't very visible so I snuggled down and the noisy people went and I slept.
I woke this morning all warm and snug, having slept through a very windy and rainy night.
I wandered my bedding back into it's bags and stashed them and was grateful for my stick while my leg woke up.
I went for my usual breakfast and had a walk round the recreation ground with my radio.
Then I had a cuppa and a wash and here I am, just reading the rest of runaway.
It is raining nicely and will do for the rest of the day and tonight.

Hi peeps,
I am in McD's, the library tipped us out about half an hour ago and I went and stashed my new blanket and came here.
I was a bit shy of walking with a stick again at first but I have got used to it, it is just until I get this leg unlocked.
I have a physiotherapy appointment booked for Thursday.

It is wet outside but not as rainy as forecast yet, it will be wet all night apparently, so I will go to bed late when I can sneak into my porch, I have been sleeping out in my corner for ages now.

The book reached 255 pages or thereabouts today.

I have been reading a book called 'Runaway' about a young girl who was so hurt that she kept on and on running, ok there are similarities to me, and differences, but it is an interesting book, she has more guts than me in some situations, or maybe I am almost that brave when I am in desparate circumstances.

The secretry lady wasn't there today, so no shower, so I just sprayed some deodorant and I am clean, hehe.
Someone left a small amount of money for me at the church, and someone else left me a blanket that they had promised.
I used a chip shop voucher for my lunch and I am felling less dizzy now, I think my Sats were low due to neglecting my inhaler.
I still struggle to believe that I am asthmatic.

After further investigation, the dizziness may be either low blood sats because I haven't been taking enough steroid inhaler recently or TMJ problems, which I do have.
I always worry about dizziness because of how my Dad died and how my family have a history of heart and blood pressure problems and death from it.

Good morning peeps,
Last night I wandered back through the cold night to my little nest, and went to sleep in it, woke up needing the loo at one point and slept again.
The alarm went off this morning but I didn't believe it, so I snuggled in my deep cloud of bedding and dozed.
I had a waking dream about being found and not being able to move, that dream is quite frequent.
Eventually I got up, and had a sort out because my hedge was full of odds and ends of food parcels and clothes that had got wet and my brew kit, all strewn around and chewed at the edges by rodents.
So I got rid of stuff that was no good, rebagged stuff I was keeping, and rebagged my bedding as rain is on the way.

Then I went for my usual breakfast.
I haven't had a wash today, I dont want a wash, I am having a shower later.
I went for a walk round the recreation ground with my radio but I started feeling dizzy again.
I am still feeling a bit dizzy and headachy.
I went and had my blood pressure checked, the first reading was 154/94 and the second reading was 144/92. So it is a bit high but not very and not too low so that is not what is causing the dizziness.

I also got a walking stick to help me stand and walk sometimes.
Here I am, writing.

Hi peeps,
after the church day was over I sat in the coffee shop until it closed, used their loo, used their socket to charge the netbook a bit and then went for a walk.
The man who talked about getting me a radio got me a radio, a little radio with headphones and a pack of batteries to go with it.
The radio is really good, it is small like an ipod and has a belt clip and has a good range of stations and very clear sound, I was really happy walking around listening to it and I caught the end of the Irish programme, so I was delighted, it is like having a tiny part of my life back.

I went down to my other church, I am having a break from them but they had a letter that had been sent to me, it contained a nice little letter and a nice banknote. Thank you my friend.

I walked back up, lost in my lovely radio music and went to another church, they were having a healing service and made me very welcome. I thought this lot would never get too involved with me, but they made me a cuppa, showed me a trolley of goodies that they had collected for the poor and told me to help myself, and one of them asked if there was anything she could bring for me next time I see them, on Tuesday, but I couldn't think of anything and all I took from the trolley of goodies was some deodorant, some rice, a very good pair of walking socks and some handwash gel.
I am blessed.

Anyway, I bade them goodnight and came here to drink tea, (McD's). It is cold but due to get milder and we might miss the rain tonight.

Hi bloggys,

Well I had my wash and went to 8am communion,
After that I was straight into helping set up for the day.

Then I was on duty on the door, giving out badges and schedules and explaining to people who had come expecting the normal service that it was a church day and they were welcome to stay.
I had a bit of a hassle from a loud guy with learning difficulties who is the opposite of me, but he went away eventually after interrupting each time I tried to talk to people who had come in.

The day started with everyone in groups for Bible study, and that went well.
Then we had a very lively communion service.
Then it was lunch time, and lunch was good, but I got questioned to death by people wanting to know about homelessness.
We had a lovely chicken pie and fruit pie for dessert.

After lunch we were supposed to do games.
The games got a bit negelcted by the older people but the younger people did hula hoop and frisbee and table football and jenga and scalextric and oregami.
I ended up playing scalextric with the curate. Haha!
The Vicar came along and found me playing scalextric with her curate, scandalous! haha.

We were supposed to have prayers and tea and feedback at the end but the schedule disintegrated, I had some tea and helped with packing up.

I was feeling tired and ill by the end.
I know with all my heart that my heart and blood pressure need checking.
Please pray about that.

It has been a cold and clear day but I overheated indoors all day, though it was a relief to be somewhere for the day. It is still crisp and cold but the temperature is due to rise tonight.

Good morning peeps,

I was lucky yesterday, I found a pair of jeans that fit and look ok, and I got my handwarmers.
I got my police jumper back clean yesterday, and I got some clean knickers, so I am clean and respectable for tomorrow's church day.
I sat on a bench outside church and did some cheese spread and ham rolls for my supper, and then I went riding on the buses.

The bus rides were not great fun, I was still ill from spending a night in the house the other night and I felt shaky and dizzy.
On the way back there was someone shouting into their phone and ignored me when I asked them not to. I don't know why they think the whole bus needs to know where they are going and why but it was so unbearable that I got off to change buses, but as before, the buses don't run according to the timetable on the bus stop and in the end I kept having to change buses and didn't get back until 10pm, which was ok in that it was late enough to go to bed.
I got a hot cuppa from subway before bed as it was a cold night.
I went to bed down and was reluctant to wrap up as I still had a temperature from being indoors and warming up makes it worse.
But I knew how cold it would be, so I wrapped up and put handwarmers in my balaclava and sleeping bag and settled down.
I slept, I slept on and off through the night, quite tense in my sleep, there wasn't too much drunken shouting or noise, I got up twice to go to the loo and at one point I heard noisy footsteps in the bushes and investigated, it was a big fat fox!

In the early morning I was sleeping contentedly, well almost, when the alarm went off, I had drooled all over my pillow and didn't want to get up early, so I stayed in bed until 7am and got up then, there was a hard frost on the roofs and cars and on the ground nearby but not in my corner, the covers were a bit damp but I think I was fairly sheltered from the frost.
Here I am in McD's and it is getting light as I drink my tea, I had a nice walk down the high street in the dark, it was so quiet and peaceful, only the seagulls creaking.

I am going to have a wash and then I am at church for the day.

I did a bit of writing, went to lunch and wandered into church, wandering into church is always a mistake because they borrow me and spoil me.
The church sitters asked me loads of questions and got me a cuppa and the vicar came in with my fuel tablets that she had ordered for me and the church sitters talked about getting me a radio and then the vicar borrowed me to help with setting up for tomorrow.
Tomorrow is a church day, we spend the whole day doing churchy things and drinking coffee and eating lunch, what an excellent idea, it keeps me off the streets for most of the day.
I am now volunteered to hand out badges and get people to pick a colour for what group they will be in, hm.

But then I had to come back here because I had left my stuff here and seeing as I have this room booked for my work I have to not be away too long in case the library staff grump at me.

The library closes at 4pm and I have to go and get some new secondhand jeans and some handwarmers as it will be cold tonight and my jeans are in holes at the seams and in danger of splitting further.

Good morning peeps,

I stayed with my friends until yesterday evening and then they were going to something they were invited to, so they dropped me off somewhere.
The somewhere where they dropped me off was somewhere where I used to live.
I only lived there for a few months during a really bad time when I had to take refuge because giving evidence was so distressing and I needed to get away from seeing my abusers everywhere I went, especially as he used to laugh when he saw me, as if it was all a joke and not something that destroyed me.
Anyway, I wandered around and remembered vaguely, living and working here, delivery driving late at night, listening to 'Midnight Rain' on repeat.

Eventually I caught the train and wandered back here.
It wasn't late when I got back to this town, so I sat in subway for a while with a cuppa, it got crowded with cinema goers, I hate weekend nights, everywhere is noisy and crowded.

I went and bedded down ealry despite everything, and it was a mild night, I lay there and watched the clear sky turn cloudy, which is always interesting to watch, and then I slept despite the usual weekend noise, but I was in and out of sleep.
I got up for the loo at some point, and at one point it was raining lightly despite no rain forecast for this area, so my top layer of blanket pile got a bit wet but I was dry and snug. I was without my balaclava as it had fallen out of the bag into the hedge and I hadn't noticed, but I was wrapped up enough.

I woke at 7am this morning feeling ill, usually a day of painkillers makes the illness I get from being indoors go away, but this time it didn't, so I woke in pain.
I went to McD's and got my usual breakfast of tea and bagel and I took 500mg co-codamol and 500mg ibruprophen (which I am not supposed to use), but the thing is, ibruprophen is the effective one as it is an anti-inflammatory and the problem is inflammation.
But despite these meds, the pain refuses to shift and my stomach keeps turning and I know I will vomit at some point. :(
Who can I be sick over?

I went to the church and they are rehearsing for something tomorrow, I sat a while but when they invited me to sing I told them I was more likely to be sick if I did.

I went looking for some jeans in the chattery shops but found nothing suitable, so I came here, then I got a text from the vicar saying she has got the fuel tablets for me. So I will collect those later.

Good morning/afternoon peeps,

Yesterday I had a pot of tea with the lady from church asI waited for the library to open, then I went in the library but never settled to concentrating.
My friend wanted to know if I was going to meet up with her and so I arranged to meet her later, a few towns away.
I went to church for a tea break and a lady came in who had coats and wanted me to try on coats.
I ended up with a very purple fleece half-zip, haha. Purple.
The ladies in church asked if I was old now.

I went and collected my things from the library and headed for the station, seeing as I neither wanted to write nor wanted to catch a bus.
So I got the train and walked the mile and a half or so up the lanes to where I was meeting my friend.
It was a pleasent walk, a change of scene and I hitched up my backpack and pretended I was a soldier again and marched, my legs were a bit painful but earlier I had splinted my right leg and managed to put my orthotics in my boots, so my legs were a bit happier than earlier.

I arrived at where we were meeting, at the big supermarket, it was crowded and no one would make allowances for me hobbling because a lot of people with more money than manners shop there, so I got pushed along as I tried to wait for my friend.

Eventually my friend arrived, and we went and got a cup of tea, and she also got me a nice jacket potato with cheese.
Then we went shopping in the supermarket, which could be my idea of hell, but she let me push the trolley in order to stabilise myself and so I vroomed and beeped my way around and called people road hogs while my friend pretended she didn't know me :)
At one point I got rear-ended by a posh lady and I told her it would be on her insurance because she shouldn't have been so close behind :) I had fun driving the trolley.
I rarely go in supermarkets, supermarket shopping doesn't fit in my world because of how perishable groceries are. It made me a bit sad and nostalgic.
My friend got me some groceries anyway, I said she shouldn't but she did anyway and then we went and got another tea and sat and just chatted for ages, one of those rare moments when I feel really close and connected to a friend and really enjoying a chat.

Anyway, then she asked if I would like to come home for the night.
So I ended going home with her, and we chattered away as she drove, I told her about some of my homeless friends in different towns.
When we got home her husband let us in and we had some tea and supper.
Then we watched television and then I had a bath and went to bed at about 9pm.

I slept solidly through the night, as I have recently, and woke up knowing I was going to be sick from sleeping in a bed or being too hot or whatever it is about being indoors that makes me sick.

I hurried to the loo and got painkillers and some water but I couldn't keep any water down, which is always a bad sign, I got a cup of tea and hoped for the best, my friend was makling porrige, and I managed to keep most of the tea and porrige and painkillers down as we watched the news, and then I started feeling better.

The man of the couple was going out and my friend and I emptied the freezer in order to defrost it, and then here I am writing for you.
I am also going to start printing off some of my book so that my friend can read it, she will be my first real reader. I am glad her computer is compatible with the disk that the book is saved on.

oh, I mustn't forget, a letter arrived for me today, someone who will read this sent it and it has just arrived, but I am 30 miles away from where it arrived to and I got a phonecall saying it had arrived this morning.  I will be collecting it on Sunday, so I wont know what is in it until then but thank you.

Good morning peeps,

Last night when the library closed early I didn't want to ride on the buses so I waited for ages with nowhere to go and nothing to do and I didn't want to sit in McD's so I went back to see the same movie again. I wish there was somewhere to go, something to do that didn't take my money.
After the movie I got a cuppa at the pub and went to bed down.
The forecast was for the temperature to drop, so I expected a cold night, I snuggled down in my blanket pile and wondered why it seemed so mild. The danger is when it seems mild but the temperature is due to drop, you dont wrap up warm enough and then you wake up cold in the night and too sleepy to do anything about it.
I stayed very snug and warm, fast asleep last night.
I woke early because I had set the alarm early, I had to move out early this morning because people will be there early and I was in danger of being found.
Waking early when I am snug and sleepy and have to force myself awake is a shock to my system, I end up tired and cross and close to flashbacks
Normally I would have slept for another hour and woken more naturally. and it just seems unfair to have to get out of such a snug comfy bed.
Anyway, I got up and stashed my bedding and crawled out into the dark early morning.
Not even McD's and the paper shop were open yet.
So I had a walk around until McD's opened and here I am.
It is surprisingly mild out there, not as cold as forecast.

I am very bored and tired, I want to sleep, but it will be a cold night and I need to get up very early tomorrow as well. :(

Take cover, Peeps,
I am drinking juice with artifical sweetners in, oops, this could cause me to explode as I am randomly allergic to the artificials, hence not being able to have 'diet' foods and drinks.
I have 40 minutes until the library closes, and it will be a cold night tonight.

I went to the basics bank.
They gave me some goodies including some chocolates and two vouchers for the fish and chip shop and two vouchers for community meals.
My friend gave me another jumper and took my jumper to wash it.
I went to the chip shop and they gave me a huge portion of fish and chips and a can of drink.
I went back up towards the library but someone I knew was gardening outside the church so I ended up with a cup of coffee and a chat.

and here I am, trying to work, some stupid guy was shouting into his phone in the next study room and I hit the roof, excuse me, but these are quiet work areas and people seem to think that they can have phone conversations on top volume anywhere and never mind anyone else.

Hi peeps.

I have just got here.
This morning I tried to avoid my wash but there is no avoiding the wash, it happens automatically if you are Aspie, your brain overrides your dislike of cold and wet things in the early morning and you end up washed.

I went to morning prayer and someone made me a huge cup of tea, the cup had pictures of pigs on so I asked what they were implying ;)

Then there was morning prayer with the Vicar and the man from the welfare charity, and the man was in the mood for advising me all about things and coming up with suggestions of things to help me.
So I will be pottering down with my voucher soon, to get all the nice goodies.

I went to have a shower and a cup of tea with the nice secretary.
Then I went back for coffee with the people who had been to communion, and one of them walked into town with me and asked lots of questions.
Everyone suddenly wants to be involved, to know more, and to help me. Argh! - *scuttles off and hides!*

Anyway, I am in the library and I am going to go with my voucher and get things soon, my friend is on duty and she is looking for a jumper for me so she can wash this one.

Good morning peeps,
yesterday evening I went riding on the buses when the library closed, I wish the library would stay open late every day, but it randomly doesn't.
I rode around on the buses until late and I didn't want a cup of tea because I was fed up of tea and was sick of my supper because I couldn't digest it. But I had to wait to go to my sleeping place because there were people nearby.
I was tired and grumpy by the time I got my bedding and crawled into the middle of it.
I was out like a light and slept all night with no waking.
I dreamed that I was back to delivering papers and a woman tried to demand money off me, saying I hadn't delivered her paper for two days.
I looked at her house and at her and I told her she didn't have a paper delivered, she backed off but I gave her a right bollocking.
What a strange dream, I woke up warm and depressed and got up and stashed my bedding, the new black sacks I have got are useless.
And now I am in the usual place eating the usual breakfast.
I come here because it is open early, predictable, has a toilet where I can take my thermals off and I can get a drink with stickers sometimes and I can get a cheap breakfast.

The weather is dull and cloudy and it has just got light.

Hi,

I went for my lunch break and wandered into church and they fed me tea and were kind to me.
One of them offered to come and take me to get a food voucher later.
Food vouchers have to be got through the Official Channels,
so I got grabbed and hauled in the direction of Official Channels, which make me swear and panic.
But once they got bored with being officious they doled out a voucher and booted us out, I think having someone with me helped, because I long since gave up letting the official channels chew me up and spit me out just for a basics voucher.

the weather is boring and has agreed to stay boring tonight. yay.
I have a very tight chest due to panic, air does not want to go in or out of my lungs, anaerobic living, what fun.

Morning peeps,

Yesterday evening I went to see a film instead of riding on the buses.
It was a light comedy, certificate 12, but the adverts before the film were not certificate 12, some of them were very adult indeed and I wondered why that was allowed.
There were actually only a few other people watching the film, and they were young teenage couples in the back rows, I pretended I had a date with my backpack, just so as not to be left out.
No I didn't.

The film was one of those 'it never happens in real life but it would be nice to think it did' films, about a teacher who tries to save the school music group by becoming a martial arts fighter in his spare time. very unrealistic indeed but great fun.

After the film I went to the pub.
and had a cup of tea.

I went to bed down, some of my bedding was damp as it had rained all day and black sacks dont stay waterproof for long in hedges.
I made a bedding pile and crawled into the middle of it and was asleep.

I woke up this morning a bit warm and depressed and dying for a pee.
So I had a pee and stashed my bedding and wandered into McD's.

After breakfast I went and had my wash, sometimes I hate undressing for my wash.
And sometimes after my wash I feel dizzy and faint, I did today.

I had too much time to kill, so I got a paper and went to sit in the shopping centre, but someone from church saw me from the cafe where she was having a coffee, and she invited me to sit with her and have some tea.
Several pots of tea were consumed while we chatted and one church person after another came and joined us and left as the next person came along, highly amusing but it was 9.50 by the time we parted company and I dashed to the loo before I burst.
and here I am, a bit late but here.
It is a nondescript day, I think there was either drizzle or a heavy dew in the night, my wool blanket was quite wet.

I went for lunch, hot pork roll. Went to the basics bank and was given two sleeping bags, oh I will be so snug and warm I wont want to get out of bed in the mornings.
Then I had a shower and had a cuppa with the nice secretary and then went to my church to light a candle.
Here I am.

I missed a few things off the blog for yesterday.
When I was on the shore yesterday, disturbing the crabs, I ended up wandering out on the shore, which is too easily done and you have to watch the tide, it reminded me of low water fishing, far away and long ago, with Kevin, we used to walk down with the tide as it went out, because it used to go a mile out and was a swift tide, so if we walked out with the tide we got time for low water fishing before the tide started chasing us in, we used to have a compass in case the fog came down as it is easy to wander and lose your way.
You end up further away without realising it.
But it made me sad that my life died and I will never be out there again, pulling razor fish out and looking for mussels and shrimps and things. We used to take our catch home and Kevin would make razor fish pasta.
My life is all gone and I am just waiting to go too.
Nothing at all can mend what they have done to me.

Yesterday evening I actually stashed my backpack because I couldn't go on carrying it. I walked through the big dark church yard and looked for ghosts and glowing eyes and things.
I saw a poppy on an old grave that had no letters on any more.

Good morning peeps.

Yesterday morning I went to 8am communion, they made me a cuppa and because I was still very disorientated I sat and listened to the service instead of joining in.
Then they made me another cuppa. They are good like that. Well trained.
I told the Vicar about my night and how someone had had their engine running for hours, she said maybe they had slept in their car, which would make sense, it was a cold night and being in a car would be very cold unless you kept the engine and heating on.

I didn't want to take part in any main services because I don't like the crowds.
I went up to one of the other churches and annexed the bench outside, the sun was shining but I had kept my thermals on as well as it was not warm.
People said hello and good morning, and the gardener came along and said he hadn't seen me for ages and he had seen my bedding was stashed in it's place, I asked him if it was still ok for me to stash there and he said it was.
Then someone brought me tea and biscuits.
And I sat and read my book. I didn't go into the service because I was going to the Civic Rememberance.
I hate Rememberance Sunday because it tears me apart. I should be in that parade.

I went down to the Civic rememberance, it was hard to find a place to be apart from the crowds, people kept coming and barging rudely as they do.
Eventually one of my people from church came along and saw me, and she asked if she could stand with me, I told her I would be grateful because I was finding the crowd difficult.
She was very good as she made sure no-one got too close, and she bade me sit down on a step every time I was struggling to stand (If you haven't already realised it, I cannot stand still very easily) and she stood guard over me, she also asked a big tall man who got too close to 'give us some more space please'.
So it was ok.

After the service, town was very crowded, I couldn't get a cuppa or a lunch, so I went back to reading my book on the bench by the church and they got me more tea.

Eventually I decided to get a bus as there was simply nowhere to go.
I got the bus down to the shore.

On the shore I walked to the old stone pier where there are words written in the concrete that have been there for more than 20 years. I traced the letters and wrote something under them as I always have, using chalk. Then I walked along the shore, the tide was far out and I turned over rocks and disturbed literally hundreds of crabs of all sizes from teeny to large, and they scuttled around clacking their pinchers and wanting to bite someone for disturbing them.
It is quite fascinating to see so many crabs, they make quite a noise as they all scuttle around together and dig themselves into the sand or hid under the rock again. I wonder what it is like to be a crab and simply sit under a rock doing nothing, don't they get bored?

Anyway, I went to get the bus back, and it is one bus every hour and the timetable is incorrect. So I sat and read my book for ages.
Then I ended up back in town and bored and low, I sat in McD's for ages with a few hot drinks, it is a cold day and the first day I have kept my thermals on all day.
Then I went back to the bus stop and went riding on the buses.
And eventually I got a final cup of tea and crept miserably back to my sleeping place, expecting a cold sleepless and very depressed night.

I got to my sleeping place and got my bedding, it was only 9pm, I put my cardboard and duvet down and climbed into the new sleeping bag, put my fleece and balaclava on, climbed into the old sleeping bag so it was round the new one, put a hand warmer in my balaclava neck and one in the sleeping bag as hot water bottles, pulled the wool blanket over everything, lay down with my head on the backpack and cushion and drifted into a warm and comfy sleep, the sky was clouding over as I dozed off but I wasn't sure what the forecast was.
Woke at 2am needing the loo, went to the loo and back to bed, very warm and comfy, slept until the alarm woke me and was tempted to stay in the cosy nest I was in. The temperature had shot up and it was very mild.
Went to McD's and had breakfast, had a thorough wash and a change of underwear, went to morning prayer, was made plenty of tea, and the Vicar ordered some fuel tablets for my stove from Amazon.

went to get a shower but the secretary wasn't there, will be back later, and later I will also go to the basics bank as they may have a blanket for me.

I am in the library and it is raining.
The forecast is odd, the temperature goes up towards evening and into the night and it will be mild, but the rain stops as evening draws on, goodo!

I do have strange dreams. There's no such thing as the 'Brickies and Chippies Noodle association' in real life is there?
And as for labradors with bad legs? what is that doing in my dream?
And me being a Bridesmaid at a Royal wedding?
Good Lord, my dreams are Bizzare, someone said I should write a book about them.

Good morning peeps,
the library closed at 4pm and I went on the buses but I was so groggy and dozy that I ended up on the wrong buses, being stoned from herbal remedies is all very well, but I can't look after myself that way.
I only took tablets the previous day and stopped them because they are too strong for me.

Last night was bitter cold and noisy as weekend nights are, I drifted in and out of sleep as the cold frost fell wetly on my blanket pile.
At 3am someone left a car engine running for hours, literally  and just when I was going to get up and check, they drove off.
I got up in the cold dark frost and stashed my bedding and wandered into McD's for brekky.
It is rememberance Sunday so I am obliged to go and remember.

These Kalms tablets make me so groggy that I can't live in a straight line.
I will have to not take them.
I haven't taken any today and I am still very groggy and disorientated.
Which is no use if you are homeless, you cannot look after yourself if you are groggy and disorientated.

Hi Peeps,
Happy weekend to you.

Yesterday I was trying to find a bed and breakfast for the night and was unable to, so i asked my Minister friend if he knew of one, and he didn't, so he rang me back and asked if I would like to stay the night, I was unsure about this and especially he has been ill and as his wife is not comfortable to have me to stay. But he said it could be ok.

I was tired and the medicine made me too sleepy to think straight.

So I went to their house and had some supper and watched television. I always get very talkative about things on television as I don't watch it often and find it so amazing.

I went to bed on the conservatory floor at 8.30 and slept like I was dead until 4am.
Then I woke up and lay there for a while, opened the back door, went back to sleep.

The minister woke me at about 8am, and I had a shower and we had breakfast and then he dropped me off in town, I went to some rememberance prayers and went to my church but the church sitter had no keys and no one else had turned up.
So I came here and got a 50p cuppa on the way.

Hi Bloggys,
This morning I have done a card for someone, I owed someone a sorry card, because I am human and I err a whole lot sometimes. so that is in the post.
I went and had a shower and a cuppa, and I went to my church and was grabbed and fed more tea there. They seem to understand that I run on tea and die without it.

This morning I got some tablets called Kalms, they are hops and valerium and are designed to make you so stoned that you stop caring, I need a break from anxiety and I am not able to take medical anti-anxiety or anti-depressant tablets due to bad reaction to them.
I also got ear plugs, a lot of Autistic spectrum people wear ear muffs in order to help them cope with noise sensetivity, but I can't get cheap ear muff and I dont want to draw attention to myself, so ear plugs will do, only I daren't walk around with them in because people can get too close to me without me noticing and then I get stressed.

One of the main causes of increased stress for me has been the writing of the book, it does envoke strong memories.

Good morning peeps,

Well, have you ever had snails in your bed? Theyr'e a bit crunchy.

Last night I left the library early to go to Bible study, and seeing as I had reached a milestone with the book and could hardly be bothered to do any more, that was ok.

Went to Bible Study, and there was soup and bread and tea there.
We had an interesting study but I was a bit nervous and depressed -writing the book has a noticable impact on my emotional state, it makes me depressed and upset.

after Bible study I wandered around to see if I could find a bed and breakfast for the night, but I couldn't.
It was a mild night but I kept being woken by people shouting and I slept on and off.

Here I am, it is cool and cloudy with threatening rain.

Guess what, peeps,
I have just finished the whole draft of the first half of the book, it is proofread, spellchecked, divided into some sort of chapters, saved 3 times, consolidated, amalgamated and whatever else you do to a bit of book when you are sick of working on it.
It is 153 pages including an introduction. And it is 75,339 words all told including introduction and chapter headings.
The second half of the book is 46 pages so far.
So I think that means 201 pages all told? remember I can't count!
Brr, I am not sure I want to write any more of the second half now, I want to drink tea and skip dreamily around.

I am due to go to Bible study in an hour, at my church this time! :) haha.

Good morning bloggys,

Last night I got my bus ticket but I didn't have any peaceful bus riding, kept getting fidgety people too close, who fiddled with their phones and wouldn't sit still, annoying to an Aspie.
And when I got to the port and went to get some chips for supper the chip lady was rude and snappy so I decided to go to the next chip shop along instead, as I left the rude shop, a man shouted to the assistant 'she's had too many chips anyway!' He was obese himself, so I turned round and said 'hey fat man, shouldn't you look at yourself before commenting about strangers?' He had no reply.
Not very Christian of me, but I was deeply unimpressed.
The chip shop further down were polite and friendly and got my chips straight away.
But it wasn't the best evening for bus riding.
I got back while McD's was still open, and got my last cuppa and did a bit more walking before bed time.

I went back to bed down and before I could bed down there were a load of the loud smokers hanging around outside the pub, so I waited and waited.
Then some youths came along right up to the mesh fence by where I sleep. I had to get up and hid behind the wall round the corner, they stood there smoking cannabis and spitting through the fence. I waited, hidden behind the wall.
I wasn't in danger as they were unlikely to scale the fence but if I moved and they saw me and my backpack then they might guess that I slept there, which would not be good.
Eventually they went and the loud people outside the pub went and I got my bedding and went to my second choice sleeping place nearby.

My second choice sleeping place isn't as warm and sheltered but it is less visible in some ways.
The wind was blowing and it was difficult to keep warm enough because I wasn't sheltered from the wind.
I dozed and woke, got up at 6am and stashed my things, bowled into McD's and got my usual breakfast, waited for the shops to open and did some shopping for toiletries and things.
and went to have a wash.
The lock on the toilet door is no good and so I had people barging in halfway through, which is never funny except to them. Why do people who barge in and rattle locks undone always stand there and laugh at the people who they walk in on? It is never funny.

anyway, I washed sufficiently, got a cuppa and came here.
The temperatures are remaining mild and it is bright and nice.

I am sitting in the pub drinking my tea because McD's is packed, I have just over half an hour until I can buy a night ticket and go riding on the buses.
Today I completed the first half of the book, the parts that got deleted, the book is almost 180 pages now, including 47 pages of the second half of the book, tomorrow will be editing, spellchecking, making chapters and adding page numbers for the first half, and then I will motor on with the second half.

I suppose some of you will want a copy of the draft of the first half? send me money and goodies and I might consider it. :) haha.

Hi Bloggys,
The air is mild, I only got my lunch an hour ago, I have been typing busily.

Good morning bloggytypepeeps,

Last night the library closed early and I had no money for a bus ticket and only enough left for two hot drinks, so I sat in McD's with a cuppa for a while, but it is always crowded at that time.
So I went for a walk and tried to work out what to do, it wasn't freezing but it wasn't warm either.

Then I remembered a certain church in this town that does Bible study or worship on a Tuesday evening, I hadn't been there for years, though I sometimes help the gardeners in the church gardens.
So I bowled along there and was invited in and fed tea and had a very interesting Bible study, we were looking at disability and how the Bible looks on disability and how the church looks on disability, so I enjoyed a good natter and it kept me warm and occupied for the evening.
I hadn't been there for years but the minister and one of the others recognised me and they said they knew I helped in the garden sometimes.

The Bible study finished at 9.30 but the minister said I could stay in church with the caretaker, who had to be there until the gardening club finished at 10pm, so I sat by a warm radiator and had a drink and some biscuits and then put my thermals on.
Then I said goodnight to the caretaker and went for a brisk walk to warm up.

Then I went to my sleeping place and tucked down, there were no noisy people near the pub and the lights and spotlights were all out by 11 and I slept.
I woke at 1am, not needing the loo but with pre-flashback tension coming on, funny unusual term but sometimes I can almost feel the flashbacks starting.
But I slept again and had nightmares instead.
I woke with great relief at 4am, and slept again.
Woke with the alarm and dozed, got up just after 6am, it hadn't been such a bad night and I felt refreshed enough.
I went to McD's and had a cup of tea and read my book. I now had 5 stickers, I decided to try my luck at sticker hunting and found 3, I used to think this town was no good for stickers but I have now discovered a knack of sticker hunting here and I do quite well.

I had another cuppa, and then went to have my wash, I don't like washing or taking my thermals off in the cold winter mornings so I have to do things gradually, starting with brushing my teeth and doing mouthwash and then gradually getting everything done.

Then I went to church and got a cuppa and said morning prayer with the Vicar, and then she said she had asked her sister to look for a coat for me, and she gave me some money towards my food and hot drinks today, I have £4.40 in the Post Office but obviously wasn't able to access that while the Post Office was closed. So now I have enough towards whatever I need today.

The Vicar said I could stay in church and have another cuppa, and someone got me tea and biscuits, but everyone kept fussing over me and checking that I had got enough tea and biscuits and food and things.
They mother me to death, you know.

I wandered off and had a nosey rootle through the charity shops, looking at coats and bedding and jumpers, there were a few nice half-zip jumpers that I will look at again tomorrow, and a yellow puffa jacket that I thought I might get as revenge to the people who nag me about wearing a coat.

I went and got my breakfast, a bacon roll, and some soft drinks so that I can sit here and work all day.
I have to ease my brain into the work so that I am working before it realises it, a bit like I have to ease into the washing.
Here I am in the library, I wish the librarian would talk quieter.
The temperature is due to stay comfortably mild today and through tonight.

The book reached 160 pages today.
I have mainly been sitting here writing, when I went for a walk and to church I was borrowed and fed tea, then I went and had a quick shower.
The weather is looking reasonable for this evening and tonight, not too cold and no rain.
I forgot to tell you, the Daily Express has an article today about a girl with Asperger Syndrome with some non-typical characteristics, a bit like me.

Good morning peeps.
I write this blog for you as well as for me.

When I left the library last night I went to find a cuppa, and there had been a serious accident on the high street. Lots and lots of police, someone was lying on the ground under a blanket, and an ambulance came tearing up.
I didn't stop to look.
I got my cuppa and got an evening ticket and went riding on the buses. I saw fireworks and families in gardens with bonfires and sparklers, good, as long as people are careful it is good to have fireworks and bonfires on November 5th, some people go on about how dangerous it is, but cars are dangerous if people aren't careful, see what I mean?

Anyway, I went down to the waterfront and looked accross the spectacular city skyline on the water and there were competing firework displays over the city and the stars were large and bright in the clear sky, it was cold and I stayed and watched two ferries crossing paths and then got the bus back.
The accident was bad, because it was still all taped off and policed.
There was a pool of blood on the ground.
The accident was outside the pub where I get my cuppa last thing at night.
I went to get my cuppa and there was a woman there who was shocked and ordering more drink, she said she had seen her first death and she couldn't get over it, she had been trying to help the accident victim.
The police were in the pub, taking statements.

I had my cuppa and went to my sleeping place, the pub was unusually noisy and I was scared of bedding down, but I did anyway.
I put the small duvet into the sleeping bag's stuff sack, and I put the cushion on top of it to make a pillow, I put the cardboard down and put the old sleeping bag on top of it, got into the sleeping bag and put the wool blanket on top and put my balaclava on (it had been missing but I found it). I put a handwarmer in the sleeping bag and one in the pillow and tried to sleep, but I was tense and the pub was noisy.
This is the safest spot I can get but I am too nervous of the pub people.
The new sleeping bag was a bit small and tight really. And putting a sleeping bag on a sleeping bag wasn't a great idea because they are both smooth and so I kept sliding off my pillow, but I was too nervous to rearrange myself because I could attract the attention of the pub goers.

As it was, at one point I thought I heard some of them saying 'look a tramp over there, lets jump him', I am not positive that they said that, but I think they did.
But the thing is, when it is said like that, they rarely mean it, and actually, despite being possibly in view of them if they stood in the wrong place and were looking, I am within walls and one locked gate and one hard to open gate that they would have to walk to find, and if they were going to try and scale and jump any wall or gate I would have plenty of warning and would be able to call the police or run.
And I know that they are unlikely to disturb me really.

I dozed off, woke when all the lights had gone out, was uncomfortable, just couldn't relax and settle in a comfortable position. tossed and turned and drifted in and out, no terrors, no flashbacks.
Dreamed of one of my daycentres far away.
Fell into a deeper sleep after my alarm went off, and woke in a panic in broad daylight and immediately started scrambling. Looked at the time, 7am, phew! No one around.
Scrambled the bedding into it's place and me into McDonalds. There was a thick white frost and the sky was clear, I kept my thermals on.

I had my tea and bagel and a walk around, went to the pound store and got some knickers, went for a wash, the new knickers aren't great, the other pound stores does better ones but they had none in stock.
Got a cuppa and waited for the library to open, and here I am, with a book and lots of writing to do.
Have a happy day bloggypeeps.

Good afternoon peeps,
excuse my silence, I have been a bit busy.

After I had my roast dinner I went fow a wander to find some handwarmers and a cup of tea, I found a cup of tea at a cafe and craftily plugged the netbook in to charge slightly, and I found handwarmers in the outdoor shop, I wish they did fuel tablets as well,  but this winter no one is selling fuel tablets.
I do have a slight internal bleeding problem again, some blood and two small clots, I think this is a reaction to painkillers, it is nothing to worry about but on the other hand it isn't good either.

Then I went to the All souls Service, which is like Holy souls Mass, I think. It didn't work out too well for me as it was crowded and I was already anxious and upset. I got in the door and my friend, who can be a tad tactless, shouted out 'you aren't here to remember anyone are you?' which wasn't true, the Vicar had invited me to remember my Dad, but my friend didn't have me on her list and was being a teeny bit officious. But as a result of her shouting out, the woman behind me in the que decided she had the right to barge me out the way and go ahead of me, which made me very annoyed, and as I sat quietly at the back some man came in and was filming the service without permission and standing too close to me, and so I got up and tried to relocate myself, got backed into a corner and in the end I went and sat outside with my candle and service sheet.

at the end of the service the nice people drew me in to get a cup of tea but I was unsettled, not just by the panic in the service, but by the shock that I mentioned to you the other day.
The shock is that some of the people who abused and harmed me have relocated to this area, and this area is the safe area of my home, and this is my safe church, but they have been allowed to go on practicing in the church and move here. It would only be a matter of time before they found out I was here, then the rest would find out, and basically the whole pack of dogs would rip me apart again and drive me from the salvaged ruins of my home and church and drive me away when I had hoped to settle here and let my bones rest here.

Eventually the Vicar was free to come and talk to me, she hasn't seen me upset before, neither has anyone here. We ended up sitting quietly in the church with the candles glowing on the altar.
It was such a hard thing to say, to tell her I wouldn't be able to come here to this church and all the lovely people. Everyone here is so kind to me.
She asked why and I told her I would be at risk if I came here.
I thought that maybe I could put off the inevitable and stay a bit longer here in my home area if I stopped coming to the church.
But I ended up blurting out what was wrong, and we sat there for a long time while I told her about the abuse and the cover ups and biased investigations and lies and the way I had been criminalised and falsely made out to be mad.
She said she understood and that she would be praying, and that if only I could tell her the names of the people she would ensure they didn't come here.
But I know I can't tell names until I finish my book and my full story can be heard, otherwise I have no chance against the pack of wild dogs if there is any communication about me, and I will still be driven out.

Anyway, I had carried the burden of being silenced and gagged and living in fear fior too long, and now the Vicar is helping me to carry this.

Anyway, when the Vicar had to go home, I went to the other church, where they were plodding through the service and I plodded too. Then someone made me a cuppa and the minister's wife asked if I would like to come to Bible Study on Thursday and there would be soup and tea at the beginning.

Then I made my way out into the cold and busily acclimatised, went to McD's for a cuppa and put my thermals on. Went back and bedded down.
Well my bedding was a bit wet because the flimsy black bags are full of holes, so I had to bed in a way that the wet parts weren't on me, I couldn't get comfortable though, the zip on the sleeping bag is just ridiculous as it undoes itself all the time, and I couldn't settle to sleep on my back and my hips hurt from lying on my sides, my head and neck were uncomfortable and I decided that I need to sort myself out a better bed urgently.
I dozed and woke and dreamed, it was cold but it started raining in the night. I wasn't cold and the rain didn't blow in, I was just uncomfortable trying to keep my bedding round me and rest my head on the backpack which was not comfortable. The handwarmers do generate a lot of heat though.

I got up scratchily at 6am and rebagged the bedding so that it will be drier.
Went to McD's for tea and a bagel, read my book, used my stickers for another tea.
Had a wash.
Had a cuppa at church and said Morning Prayer with the Vicar, she wanted me to get a coat and I told her I needed a sleeping bag more and that the coat had just been a phase and I don't normally wear one.
She gave me £10 towards a new sleeping bag, I was going to get one anyway.

I went over the road and had a shower and chatted to the nice secretary over a cup of tea and some toast, she gave me £5 towards the sleeping bag.
I went into town and scoured the chattery shops for cheap pillows and sleeping bags and coats, but I found nothing much, so I went to the outdoor shop and got a sleeping bag for £25, it is a mummy one unlike the other that was just rectangular, so a mummy one is better, and it has it's own bag, which also helps. So that is a start.

Now I am finally in the library. Going to do some writing.
The weather is nondescript cold.

Hi Bloggys,
Not much internet at the moment, will catch up fully soon.

On Friday evening I got a phonecall from my friend about going to London, I was getting worried by this point as it was getting late to arrange to meet up and go to London with them.
Anyway, they were at mass in the town I had been to the night before, so I arranged to meet them there, I got the train, walked up and managed to find the church.
After mass we drove back up to where they live, and we stopped at my old hometown to do some shopping, but I stayed in the car, just in case.
We got fish and chips as well, and went home to consume them, then we watched the news and then I settled to sleep on the sofa.
But I overheated and woke up ill in the morning, my friend was making porridge and I had some despite the churning in my stomach.
I also had a big glass of water and some painkillers in the hope that I would feel better, and some tea.
Soon it was time to set off, we dropped one of us off to do some work and then it was just the two of us going up to London via Chertsey to pick another friend up.
We set off from Chertsey and my stomach started turning over and I kind of knew I would be sick eventually but I hoped to hold on until we got to London.
Immediately before we reached the Blackwall Tunnel I knew I was going to be sick, and we pulled up on a convenient driveway and I was sick on some wasteland.
It was miraculous that I was sick before we went into the tunnel.
I felt a bit better after that.
We got there and I took some painkillers and we went to mass.
After mass there was delicious freshly made chicken soup with crusty bread, and I was feeling empty by then, so I had several bowls of soup and some bread and butter and lots of tea, in fact my friend told me the tea at their house was decaffeinated, so I was probably suffering caffeine withdrawal as well as house sickness.
So I couldn’t stop drinking tea, and then I was on the loo every few minutes.
We had duties to do after mass, my friend and I were putting leaflets in magazines and then helping in the garden, and my tree demolishing skills are still excellent despite illness and everything.
I also went to confession during duties, and that is always refreshing, and then we had a talk and Holy Hour, then it was supper time, breaking bread and thanks and then chilli stew and rice with bread and salad and soft drinks. And pudding and a good old natter and more tea, then it was late and we set off, dropped one lady off nearby and got lost, went back to Chertsey via some services because we needed the loo!
And then back down to where my friend dropped me off to catch the drunk train back here.

Arrived at 1am, it had been freezing in London but was cloudy here and half an hour after I settled down it started to rain torrentially and continued to do so until 7am, I didn't sleep well but fortunately there was no wind so the rain stayed out of my porch. The noise of the rain was so bad that I hardly slept anyway.

woke and scrambled my bedding into the stashplace and me into McD's for a bagel and a tea.
Then went to 8am communion, missed my angelic friend but everyone else was lovely and kept getting me hot drinks and biscuits, bless them.
Went to my other church, was told that there was snow in some areas, and my pastor friend was ill, his wife said she felt bad because they couldn't have me to stay but I told her it was fine and she gave me a £5 towards a tasty roast dinner which I am sitting eating now.
The weather is variable.
I am going to All souls service later and then evening church.

Good morning peeps,
After leaving the library last night I went and got an evenking ticket and caught a bus, I like being out in the dark on winter nights and I like long bus rides through residential areas where there are so many cosily lit up houses, each one has a different family with a different story, and I wonder what it is like to be a proper part of a proper family and belong somewhere. It is nice to imagine it.

anyway, when the bus reaches it's destination I get off and have a walk round and catch another bus back.
sadly the destination of that bus did cause flashbacks, sometimes I get too close to home, too close to the memories and the hurts.

Anyway, I got back here and went in the pub.
Haha, yes, it is the only pub I ever go in alone, they do a nice cup of tea for 99p, there is loads of space and it is quiet enough for me, and there is free wifi and excellent toilets where I can go to put my thermals on.

After a cuppa I head for my sleeping place, I wasn't sure what I'd done with my cardboard so I got a new box on the way, but my cardoard was in the bin, dry and ready.
I bedded down, glad that no-one was outside the pub,
I dozed and never really got comfortable, dozed and woke and had bad and sad dreams.
It was raining when I woke up, big splashy raindrops.

I got up and put weight on my leg straight away though it hurt, put my bedding in the new plastic sacks but they were rather flimsy and started tearing.
Stashed everything and wandered to McD's, where I started writing this post but the battery went dead so I am now continuing from the library.

I was hoping to go to morning prayer but it wasn't running today, I went in church, and came out of church,
sadly I have had some very bad and upsetting news, that I cannot share but it puts my life and future in jeapordy.
I went back in church and helped the ladies folding church news sheets, they were nice and were a bit concerned because I was shocked.
Then I went and had a shower and a cuppa with the nice secretary lady.

Then I had a study room booked, so I grabbed my lunch and a cuppa and came here to get some writing done.
It is cold and clear out there but due to rain tonight.

eyup,
Well today was rainy to start and turned nicer, I have been in the library, writing.
I had a break and went to church and said hello to the church sitters and they looked in the goody box for snacks for me, and a man came in who was outraged that the children had brought a pumpkin in, which was fair enough.
I got some shampoo and some black sacks today as my bedding bags are disintegrating again.

Good morning bloggypeeps,

Well last night I was tipped out into the pouring rain when the library closed at 5pm, early closing.
I went and sheltered briefly in McD's, at the moment I am effortlessly finding stickers so I got a sticker cup of tea. But McD's was crowded with halloweenys and upstairs was closed, so I went back out, it was cold and wet, I sheltered in the bus station and I had nowhere else to go for the next four or five hours before bed time and the rain was pouring down.
So I decided to catch a bus. And buses were struggling to get in to the bus station because of an accident outside town. So some cross people were waiting, and then a man from the bus office came and said that they weren't legally allowed to let buses run if they came in more than 45 minutes late. That's how bad it was.
I was rather startled to see what looked like a pumpkin with glowing eyes on the edge of the bus station, but it turned out to be the safety mirror for the drivers and it had orange plastic over the top and was reflecting the glow of the street lights! How spooky! It's no good the Samuhain haunting me! haha.

Anyway, I got a bus down to the city, I sat up front among the luggage racks and no one disturbed me. In the city there were lots of children trick or treating, and it wasn't raining but the wind was gale force.
when the bus stopped, the children tried to trick or treat the driver but she laughed at them.

We got down to the harbour and the wind was pushing the water back in on the falling tide, which is always fascinating, the balance of wind and tide, something to watch when you are out on the sea.

I got a cuppa from the all night cafe, 50p. and watched the water, went to the loos and put my thermals on, and eventually caught the bus home.

I went to bed down, and found myself some cardboard first, because I expected my cardboard to be soaked.
Half of my cardbaord was wet and half was ok, so I bedded down and the wind was blowing alongside at that point and didn't disturb me, and the nearby lights were out, which always makes me feel safer.
I dozed off, and was woken later by flashes of lighting, claps of thunder, and the gusts of wind turning and bringing some of the heavy rain into the porch.
My blanket and duvet were getting wet, but I was still warm and dry in the sleeping bag.
I got up enough to cover the backpack with one of the plastuic bags that I keep my bedding in, and then tucked back down, basically there is nothing I could do about the rain wetting my bedding and if the blanket and duvet could soak up the water and I could stay dry then that is the best possible outcome, if the rain had continued to soak through and wet me and the sleeping bag then I would have had to declare and emergency and get up.
But as it was, I went back to sleep and the wind backed and eased off as forecast, and though the rain continued, I didn't get wet.

I woke in the morning and checked the bedding, well the duvet and blanket were soaked along one edge, but that wont stop me using them tonight as that edge goes onto the ground on the outside of the bedding pile and I have no contact with it. Hopefully it will dry out a bit. The sleeping bag and cushion were dry, the backpack was ok.
And so I scrambled up and though my leg was bad, I could put weight on it and walk, so I stashed my bedding and headed for McD's.

I was thirsty and hot, but I wasn't hungry, I felt a bit sick, so I got an orange juice and a tea and sat reading my book for a while, it was still raining.
Then I went for my wash and got some mouthwash from poundland.
and waited for the library to open.