It is really hard for me to get started on the next part of the blog, so I will avoid it for a minute and tell you that I just went to get hexamine tablets for my stove and went to the daycentre to talk to the people there, as I haven't been for a few days and they keep a slight eye on homeless people and get concerned if someone doesn't show up for a while.
I am going to get some of the little packets of coffee that I use when I use my stove, they are 10 for £1, they are three in one - milk, sugar and coffee, which is better than trying to carry milk and sugar around with me. It's a pity that a decent three in one tea can't be invented, but never mind, life can't be perfect. I am also going to look in the pound shop for a balaclava, it is balaclava time of year again.

Questions about the story so far, 17-30?

• what are my emotions on the story so far, bitterness, anger, sadness etc?

 No bitterness or anger, just sadness and shame, life has been a struggle, I have always been misunderstood and had trouble interacting and relating to people, and I feel ashamed, and sad that people got involved who had problems of their own but hoped to help me, but couldn't because of their own problems, but I didn't know enough to explain that to them or assert myself and deal with the situation.

• Do I have an element of mental illness that makes these situations so bad?

No, just a lethal combination of autism and trauma and having grown up in a closed family who fought with each other and the world. I have been asessed for mental illness a number of times and have been found to be free from mental illness even in the worst of the trauma and distress in the last few years.

• If I could turn back time, what would I have done differently?

That is an impossible question, surely if time was turned back then surely I would make the same mistakes anyway because I wouldn't know any better? If I could go back in time and know that I had choices then I would have avoided the college counsellors and sought professional help for trauma and I think my autism would have been picked up then, but my lack of speech and even my inability to remember my past when I left home would have made seeking help difficult.
If I could change anything, I would have walked away the hypochondriacs, Janet and Frank, Greg and Alice, and somehow made more safe friends like Annie and Poppy and Victoria and my friends in Hometown. What more can I say? I would still have problems in socialising and keeping myself safe.
If I could turn back time and know i could do things differently then I wouldn't bother to get angry or upset, somehow I would control my emotions and walk away. Then at least no-one except me would get hurt.

• What was the worst part of this 17+ story?

The part with my friendship with Greg and Alice and the strong drugs, being under all that emotional strain and knowing that it was hurting Alice too, hurting people is the worst thing in the world for me, I hate putting anyone to any trouble, and I get embarrased when people want to help me or feel sorry for me.

• Do I feel 'to blame'?

Yes. And the church do blame me, completely. I feel like dirt. No one else is held responsible for their actions. Not even Janet, who continued to take me to her home after I told her about Frank, breaking all the safeguarding rules. The church have never called her to account, but have allowed me to be accused of using her and other things, not sure what? All I was told was that I was wicked and that my interactions with Janet and Frank were part of my wickedness, this was by my abusers' supporters, who worked with Janet and Frank and Alice and Greg's family to make me out to be something terrible.

• what do I do that is so terrible?

Well the church haven't explained in great detail, they appear to be accusing me of using people and wrongly accusing them. I have never asked for money from anyone, I have never asked to live with anyone, I have never lied and cheated people, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have sex, steal, or do anything deliberately bad, and I have not falsely accused anyone of abuse. The people combining together to make me out to be be bad seem to have forgotten the friends I have and had who I did not accuse of abuse and did nothing to hurt because they weren't causing me emotional distress. If I was going to just use people and accuse them of abuse then there would be more than two accusations and I would be a totally different type of person. There are loads of people here who I could try to 'use' if that was really what I wanted to do, but it isn't.
The real terrible thing I do is my reactions, angry, scared, dissociative, running away, trying to leave people behind. I am ashamed of my reactions and I sought help and in recent months since the church once again made a concerted effort to destroy me, I sought help with more determination, trying to get a referral to the Maudsley's trauma unit. I remain without help, but I am very isolated now and calmer in defeat, except when the inevitable street brutality and cruelty gets to me, as it did the other night with that thug grabbing me, and when social services or any other outreach services decide that they know what is best for me without consulting me.

If you would like to ask me any questions, feel free to leave messages in the comments areas.