Thursday

Hey peeps,

Things are desperate. My bank is £13 in debit and I don't have an overdraft facility. I don't know what to do. I don't have any more work this week.
Things are desperate. I do have food thanks to the welfare and kindly sent Amazon vouchers. But no money for rent and bills, I am getting into difficulties now.
I like to stand on my own too feet and pay my bills and rent and food, but I struggle, a disabled gardener in winter. And even if I am entitled to more disability benefit due to the belated recent revelations about my broken and twisted spine, it will take time to sort out.
Dire.

Anyway, my mood has been very low indeed, last night I was crying and I couldn't sleep very well. I had a bad night.

This morning, very depressed, I couldn't get much done. I have the greenhouse to sort out on the farm and not much else, but I couldn't drag myself to do it.

I stayed by the computer. I got a content writing assignment but not a subject that I know much about, and as my first assignment, I have no idea how it will turn out. I feel out of my depth.

I simply felt depressed and useless today. I lit a fire this afternoon and went and put clean bedding in the geese hut and got a load of logs for the fire. I barrow logs round from the barn.

I put the geese and ducks and hens away this afternoon and went to collect my box of food and toiletries from Amazon, paid for entirely by vouchers. Then I went and checked the flat.
Then I came home, and picked up bread and eggs from the welfare, and have just been having those for supper.

I feel awful, I go on living without justice or a voice, and it is no quality of life, I go on and on trying, trying just to live and hold life together, and sometimes it is overwhelming and feels useless.

Right now I am listening to this, I shouldn't because it is the only song that makes the grief alive. Or is it better for it to be real. Come with me, the thunder is rolling round Mowmacre Hill and Stocking Farm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdzbjUWu2VU