Wednesday

Jersey still being a thorn in my side, not that the UK church isn't.

This morning it was snowing again early, and I wanted to get to the care home before it got too bad.
The petrol station, the big supermarket, and the garden centre, didn't have any grit left, but the ironmongers opened at 8.30 and they had grit.

I got grit and merrily gritted the paths and drives.

My friends were up at the community centre, and we got through several quarts of coffee, while talking about the weather, as you do.
Then I decided it would be safer to come home, all my gardening work for the rest of the week is cancelled.

I am not out playing in the snow because the winds are galeforce and I have been working on writing. I have a tricky bit of writing due in tomorrow.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

The ground is white with snow but worse is to come.

I am sitting in bed, tired and in pain.

I woke to flashbacks this morning and had trouble getting up, but I did get up, and I went to work and got there on time, the flasbacks and trauma continued as I worked, but I worked hard.
This was a new garden, a big one. It was supposed to be four or five hours, but they cut it to three and a half as they had to go out at 12.45 and as I was new, they didn't want to leave me entirely alone, however, by the time I finished at 12.30, they were so delighted that they gave me their parents' phone number and said that I was their parents' new gardener as well.
I have no credit in my phone, I have another customer to ring because of the forecast. It will have to wait, with snow forecast, I am challenged to get the rent and bills paid this week at all, although from next week things will get better as gardening will then be steady and more writing money will come in.

Anyway, so I came home at lunchtime, very cold from working in the bitter cold wind.
I intended to have lunch, warm up, and go and do more work, the snow had been falling lightly but now it fell very heavily, blizzard like. So I wasn't going anywhere.

I have been sitting in bed, not working much but reading. I used some of my Amazon gift card to get the latest Cathy Glass book. I thought she and Casey Watson were running out of material but it is a dramatic book, with funny parallels. The girl is called Anna, and she has reactive attachment disorder.
It is about an English couple adopting a Russian Orphan.
The problem is, the orphan was already two and a half and speaking Russian, and to me it felt like a cruelty in itself for them to take her from her native country to the UK to adopt her.

Anyway, I have done the usual odds and ends of this and that, not much, sometimes my brain says 'Give it a Rest!' So I do.

My body however, had a three and a half hour intensive workout in doing that heavy gardening work, so at least I will sleep well.

Tomorrow doesn't look too bad for snow, so I will try to work as much as I can.  It is tricky because everything revolved around the farm on Thursday and it is due heavy snow.
I was due to mow at the farm and do farm duties and fit in another garden a few miles from there, to make it all worth the trip, but now the mowing is cancelled, someone else is on standby to do the farm duties if I can't get there in the snow, and the garden a few miles from there obviously can't be done in the snow but it is a question of if it is worth the trip to go and do it tomorrow, I would only do it on farm days normally.

So, with a week of scraping by, my work is flung into chaos with the snow.
And next week I have a whole lot of work. I have everyone's gardens next week.
But here, after tomorrow, I look forward to being snowed in, on a no-car rule for snowy weather, no need if I can't work, and we have local shops. So I can walk and play, and hopefully have enough money for food, I can't imagine our lot panic buying food, although we do have disadvantages relating to snow and food supply.

I am already short of food, I do have some bread and bakery things in the freezer. Tomorrow I will ski down to the shop for toiler rolls and soft spread.

Snow!

Hey peeps.

The polystyrene factory must have exploded, there is white stuff cannoning out of the sky at an alarming rate.

The world is white, and it is so beautiful that it makes me cry.

I got home from a heavy morning's work in the biting cold, intending to eat and warm up and go to another job, but the snow was already falling lightly then and now it is really thick and extremely settling.

I am at a loss, should I be sitting here and watching it? Or should I be out playing and getting very cold? 

Or should I be doing online work.

Choices, choices. 

I'm going to Winchester, to build a fat snowman on the Bishop's car, and another across his driveway, fortified with rocks.

Don't put it past me. 

Haha.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

I don't feel much like writing, the latest church of england attack has been a bit too much. But at the moment I have Bath and Wells landing on the blog like a demented grasshopper to see if and how much I am suffering so that they can gloat. Don't worry you fatherless people, I will bind your evil round your neck to choke you before I die.

Anyway, back to life. Even a few days off the blog makes it hard to remember anything.

I last blogged on Friday, and the church were already kicking off by then, Thursday they made a start.

I am sitting in bed, watching 'Are you being Served', I tried to watch more serious things like 'Cuckoo' and 'Seven Pounds' but Are you being Served is best for light background watching as I work on writing.

So, I have continued to work on building the writing business. I have taken a few exams, Blogging exams I passed of course, and Academic Writing, which I failed by a few points.

At the moment I am building up the writing, bidding for contracts, hard work and I am neither confident nor good at marketing myself as yet, after all, I am a manual labourer and have been all my adult life, and I have been told in no uncertain terms by the church that I am worthless. It isn't easy to suddenly be competing and having to present myself as high quality.

Anyway, I was tired on Saturday, didn't do any gardening, I headed for the care home but to be honest, it is so well tended now, there was little for me to do, I went and viewed the new garden, huge place, paddocks at the back, and an orchard, lots of work to do, but the type I like, not like the other place I viewed a few weeks ago.
So I start that tomorrow, weather depending, because it started snowing here earlier and is set to snow the week, especially Thursday. As if things weren't bad enough moneywise. I have a worry, and the worry is, I am on farm duties Thursday night, if it snows heavily, then there is no way I will get to the farm. My landlady is down in the village there for the week, and she doesn't think she will get to work. I had better start communicating with everyone about the snow and the week.
Damn. I like snow, love it, but right now I desperately need to work the week, I have the rent and a bill to pay on Tuesday and just not enough in reserve. March is supposed to bring the gardening season back in full, and if it wasn't for the snow I would break even by a hair.

I have been up early both weekend days but with flashbacks and trauma, and the church's vicious stupidity with their whitewashes and stupid press and media hasn't helped.
However, I have done extensive writing straight out of the flashbacks, which is one benefit when I can. Sometimes they fade into blank, so I don't remember them.
This morning I struggled to get out of flashbacks and get up, but I was at my desk by about 8.

I have been writing the nest of blogs that are to support my foundations as a freelance writer. And I have done lots of housework!
I did pass that assignment I handed in, so far so good. 100%.
I nearly took another one today, reasonable money for this kind of thing, but, a weighty assignment brief, not written by a native English speaker, and looking very tricky, and the same subject that I am ethically against, OK I can tell you as long as I don't discuss the content - gambling.
I didn't take it, again I worry that people will think I should because of the money, but on the other hand if I get into difficulties and can't turn out good work, I won't progress as a writer and I will be marked down.

I went to the care home earlier but it was bitter cold and snowing, so I didn't do much. My mate was there and we chatted. He used to be a gardener but he had several strokes, and now he hides out in his workshop out the back, he mends my tools when they need it and he likes to chat.

The snow is still light here, no snowmen yet.

I came home and just sat in bed, writing, and watching DVDs, all quiet.That's how to live.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

I am tired, aching, and quite depressed. I have taken some 5HTP.

The church of england and Jersey are both screaming, shut up you fatherless morons, the more of it you do, the harder it will come back on you. As I have often said, I will be Sampson bringing the pillars down.

Anyway, snapping out of that, which the church will call insanity of course, as if they don't realise their own insanity, what kind of organization repeatedly nearly kills a vulnerable adult and calls it safeguarding?

This morning I woke trapped in flashbacks and nightmares, it all blurs in half-sleep and is very extreme.
I struggled to get up and walk after last night's back care session, but my neck wasn't too bad as I did extensive management of it last night, was the gap in my spine that was complaining, and of course I was scared of the break slipping with all that stuff last night. But it got a bit better as the day went on, it has been my neck and shoulders aching more this afternoon and evening.

This morning I was a slow and reluctant snail, I was in my office in the lounge at 8.15am, and the first news was that I had passed initial selection exams for a company in America. Their exams are hard, and they wanted me to take the second and last round. So for a few hours I struggled with those, I doubt that I passed. I was alright with spelling and grammar, and even discussing online advertising to a certain extent, but it was the last bit, writing adverts, that was very hard. I don't think I will be selected as a writer for them, but it is all good experience.

After that I got on with the assignment that was due in, and it went in.
I went down to the sea and it was a wild sea in the wind, and it is bitter cold.
Then I went to collect letters and parcels and get what food I could. A loaf of bread.

No other work is in for my grade at the moment. I have been wrestling with other projects and making very little headway and feeling very low.
A new garden came in this afternoon, I will assess it tomorrow. I will also do some work at the care home, as, although I have paid the rent and bills, I am short of money. I am still optimistic that things will level out, and certainly doing better now, but still not balancing as well as I would like, and the fact that the new gardens are currently fortnightly on the same week leaves me short for the next week. I think this garden tomorrow may help, and an hour or so at the care home, tidying up, so they don't think I am taking the pee, it will mean I can get food, and I can pop into the welfare while I am over there and see if there is any bread or vegetables.

I am sure more assignments will come in as well. Patience and Faith is what I need, not my strong points.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

I am too tired to write and I need to sleep, but the blogs have statted very high, which indicates a press and media attack by the church, so I write because I have to write, because when they kill me, that will be all that is left. And as you know, every day since March 2013, it has been 'Will they kill me today?' And sometimes they nearly have, and when they do, at least it will be over.

Etc.

Well it has been a long old day.
I woke from nightmares into terrible flashbacks this morning, it was hard to override them, it always is in the early morning, because often I am too tired to get up, and I know if I get up very early it will affect the whole day, I try to drift through the flashbacks and back into deeper sleep, which doesn't always work. But this morning I got up, it was about 5.30. One advantage of my new writing business is that I have a reason to get up, because the workload can be started any time of day and there will still be plenty left by the end of the day.

So I wrote, and I showered, and I had breakfast, I also cleaned the cooker and put the mucky work clothes in the wash. The sunset was rose and gold again, another cold clear day.

Eventually it was a normal time of day, and I headed to town to pay in and out at the bank, and to check the welfare for food, to say hi to my friend, and to see if I left some tools at the care home, no sign of them.

Then it was time for the first new challenge of the day.
I went to meet the lady about training at the gym and swim with my recent diagnosis. Long term readers will remember that I used to train hard, but when the church destroyed me publicly in May 2016, my life collapsed and I haven't trained or swum since.

The lady was very nice, she talked me through payment plans, but what they wanted to do was get me in on a referral so that I could have triage and full support and a reduced fee.
I am not under the NHS at all, and normally they refer through the NHS. Their specifics are that it has to be a local medical professional who refers me, not my online doctor or the clinic in London.
Thankfully my physiotherapy clinic are registered and allowed to refer me.

It's funny because before the meeting, without even knowing or thinking about any of it, I had emailed my physio clinic to ask if my physio was still there, it turns out he is ill in hospital, and I asked if the clinic did either of the treatments recommended for my back, and discussed having work on my ankle and knee. The clinic had said that they can do one of the treatments for my back, and they are always happy to help. I didn't know I would be emailing them again after the meeting.

The meeting led to me meeting with the GP instructor, who will do the triage and supervision of my training. I already knew him from when I used to train, a solemn chap and very expert indeed, he once told me to look at something on his website as he runs a private fitness firm as well as working for the local gym. I can't remember what it was he got me to look up on his website, I always feel that he is a man's man and likes the bodybuilding side of things. But he is good at his job.

Anyway, it was good news when the lady who arranged the meeting spoke to my physio clinic and was able to ascertain that they are qualified to refer me and very willing to do so.
I spoke with the physio clinic and they were very positive and keen to see me back into training, they said what I need is for them to re-assess me in light of the spine results, and then refer me.
So that is great, I just have to wait for a few weeks to have the money for the assessment. Ha. I am short of money for the next week again. Each week my income from the freelance writing increases by a few pounds, but it is still low, you may think I am back up and running moneywise, but not quite, I will be soon, the gardening season is emerging, and the writing income will pick up eventually.

On the subject, yesterday's article was accepted by the firm who commissioned it, I was surprised not to be asked to do any amendments. It bodes good for the current article, for the same firm, but slightly shorter and easier, that would have been in today if today hadn't been so complicated.

After the meeting, I came home and wrote. I got on with the article and some of my new blogs.
I was making good progress, 200 off the word count, but I ended up in an argument with my bloody awful insurers, again, their admin and customer services are awful, I don't like rows or being messed about, so I ended up upset, and that impacted on my work.

By the time I had to go out, the assignment wasn't finished, and I have only been back 45 minutes and am too tired to finish it. However, 200 words and final editing is fairly quick and simple, and it will go in tomorrow, and the next one will line up, hopefully. I do have an additional review to finish writing and editing for another site, but that will get done.

Anyway, this evening I went to my friend's studio and met this back care person. It was a lot more than a talk. We were taught extremely demanding routines to help our backs, I am aching like mad, it put especial strain on my shoulder and neck. But it is OK, in the long run if I can be strong enough to stick with it, I am absolutely sure it will help. The woman didn't realise I was multiple injured and was keen to offer me one-to-one sessions to help me when she found out. We were all there for back care but she didn't know the extent of my injuries, I am a right veteran I am.

Afterwards I chatted with my friend and we discussed our next hot chocolate appointment, and then I came home through the freezing cold night, with Max sliding on the salt brine on the roads.

I feel like I have been sleeping in the road and being run over by buses. I am shattered. So it is an early night and a relatively easy day tomorrow. Do you remember when I was homeless and I used to sleep halfway up a lamp post, oh those were the days. Before Polo chased the Bishop of Winchester up the lamp post that I normally slept halfway up.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Well I am tired, so tired that I am shivering, I need a hot shower but I can't be bothered to leave the office. The office is my bed. I have two offices, the lounge table and my bed, and I use both almost equally.
In bed I have a lap tray for the laptop and my paperwork goes on the bed, and I have my earphones and DVDS and things and my tea on the bedside and I have a hot water bottle and the heavy machine for my spine.
Do you have such comfy offices?

Anyway. Last night I worked on the assignment until I was tired, about 10.30pm, and I packed up, lay down, and slept.
I slept quite well, not too badly anyway.
I woke in the early morning needing the loo, but was too sleepy to get up after going to the loo, and the bed was comfy, I actually rested comfortably without flashbacks triggering, and slept again, it was hard to get up with the alarms.
I got up and there was a rosy and hazy sunrise in the misty cold air, the sea was grey and calm. It looked like the start of a fine day.

I got on with my assignment for a few hours before work, and then off I trotted.

I worked, planting fruit trees, putting grease bands on fruit trees, clearing a fruit cage and a veg patch, and spreading well rotted horse manure around. Generally I worked hard, having recovered well from yesterday's hard work. The key to recovery is not ignoring the necessary routines. If I do pain meds and the heavy machine and deep heat and generally look after myself, I can do heavy work without too much impact on my health, it is the same as travel, with the regular trips to London now, I have got the self-care down to a fine art.

I came home, tired and with rough tough hands and muddy mucky boots, and swapped hats. Not literally but metaphorically. I put my freelance writer's hat on and threw my gardening cap in the cupboard.
I finished the 2,000 word assignment almost right on the deadline, and groaned because the next assignment that came up was the same company, good pay and only 1,300 words this time, but it is stodgy work with many guidelines. So I have that to do before Friday afternoon.

I wonder if my focus on assignments for my base company is holding me back? I hope it is growing my experience. So far I have had 100% acceptance and good feedback. But doing the assignments for them while trying to build the business is hard work, there is so much to do, all the time, and I get so tired, doing heavy labour as a gardener doesn't help, although that has to remain as my official employment and income for the time being. And indeed I have no wish to quit gardening even if I am aching and with very rough and thorn-filled hands at the moment. Winter is when you handle a lot of mud, and it roughens your hands, saves money on sandpaper if anything needs sanding, just use your hands.

Anyway, so I am in the bed office, working until bed time, having started at some unearthly hour.
But, the gardening is still part time at the moment, so unless new requests come in, I am finished gardening for the week. Just writing and working to build my writing career.

Tomorrow is 'Back to the Future' day for me. In the morning I have a meeting about how I can return to gym and fitness safely now that I finally have the diagnosis on my spine. In the evening I am attending a talk by a back expert, my friends are hosting that at their studio, I don't know what to expect from either meeting but I am sure both will help.

It has been a cold but sunny day, lovely for working outside and nice for now being home in bed.

Tuesday

Good evening,

Well at last I am updating, with a machine round my neck and arms.

Yesterday when the rain stopped, I went and did the care home. I did the cigarette bins, which always earns me brownie points. I got a lot of odds and ends done.

Then I went and had lunch on the way to walk the dog.

I took the dog to the cliffs, and it was a bit muddy, and she insisted on pulling me through the mud and freaking me out by heading for the cliff edge all the time.
This is the young dog, so I can't let her off the lead. The sea was roaring and the clouds gloomed the sea and the cliffs, and not a soul was out there but us.

We came back all muddy, and had a cup of tea, well the dog didn't have a cup of tea, she had some gravy bones, but me and her owner had tea, and talked.

Then I came home.

I was in luck with assignments, a reasonably paid 2000 word one was up, so I took it, and am working on it now, due in tomorrow afternoon.

I just got on with paperwork all evening but was tired, I went to sleep at a reasonable time, but had nightmares and was unsettled, I had trouble waking this morning and felt ill and depressed and was up later than expected, so I couldn't get much written work done before my other work.
I had a heavy garden clearance job planned today, and as I loaded the car and set out, it started raining. It wasn't due to rain, and thankfully it cleared.

I did do a very heavy day's work, reminding myself all the time that I am a gardener with a broken back and that I still have to be aware of the risk and continue to think about the future. I don't want to think about quitting gardening, I think the hard work over the years has helped by keeping my muscles strong and thus supporting the broken back and the connective tissue disorder.
The broken bones never mended because I wasn't aware I had broken my back, and thus will never mend, and it shows as an ominous black space on the x-ray.
I have not been told to give up gardening, just to be careful, but do you think medical people in London could imagine a female doing the same work as a man in gardening? They probably think I plant up window boxes. I know the impact of my work on me better than anyone.
I want to go on gardening, part time.

Anyway, I did a hard day's work, hands full of thorns, nettle stings and things, my back and neck were feeling the strain, but at least I was brought cups of tea, and I had cooked sausages this morning and done sausage sandwiches for lunch.

At the end of the day I was paid, and I headed home via the mail handling centre so that I could pay my bill.
My landlady was here, losing keys and rattling about. I helped her find the keys.

I cooked myself chicken and rice for supper, and I am in bed with a hot water bottle for my broken back, and the heavy machine on my neck. I am working on this writing piece, which is a cross between and advert and an article, and it has to be in tomorrow afternoon.

Tomorrow I start work for this new client, the nice disabled lady. I will be there about four hours and the rest of the day is for writing.

Monday

Good morning peeps,

The blogs are statting up, which seems to indicate another assault on me by the Church of England and their complicit press, media, authorities etc. Their lies and whitewashes and PR-based falsehoods. Or simply a police attack, they know how much that damages me and that it will affect me for life, so they delight in it.

Yesterday I got on with my writing and building my writing career.
I went out for an hour or two for fresh air and scenery as well.
Then I finished deep cleaning the downstairs flat. I wonder why she isn't getting many viewings for it, it is in the paper.

I continued to feel unwell, so I was on painkillers all day.

I didn't sleep very well last night. In fact I had the first episodes of tachycardia that I have had in years.
Very frightening.
I woke suddenly and my heart was absolutely racing and I was terrified.
I got back to sleep, but it happened again later, somewhat milder though.

I woke feeling ill this morning. I definitely need a new pillow and head support, I have put them on my wait list on Amazon but I have no money for them yet.
My hands are swollen this morning, which is strange, that normally only happens when I have been exercising or even walking. I will get some asperin.

It is a grey and drizzly morning, the hills and sea are obliterated by low grey cloud.
I am just waiting to see what the weather does, and if it does, I will go and do the care home for a few hours and then go and walk the dog for my friends.

Sunday

Good morning,

I am preparing a non-traditional Sunday lunch of sausages and potato wedges.

I spent most of yesterday writing. I put the washing on and hung it out, clothes, towels and bed linen.

It was a sunny day but not warm, so the washing wasn't quite dry in the evening, so I had to hang it on the radiators, which isn't good for my lungs.

I worked so hard, although I went down to the sea a few times and to the pound shop for the household and toiletries things.

In the afternoon I phoned my friends to ask if the dog would like a long walk on the cliffs, but they were out, so when they finally got home, they asked if I could dog walk on Monday as they have a busy day then. So I agreed.
I looked round the charity shops in town, I got a jumper and some jeans. My wardrobe has got so shabby and threadbare that replacements are needed, I was down to two pairs of jeans, one uncomfortable and the other getting close to wearing through on the seams, I have two shirts, still OK, and a few cotton teeshirts, and the two old sweatshirts that are getting ragged and stained.  So time to do the wardrobe.

Back home, I didn't finish the cleaning downstairs, it is nearly done though, I brought the hoover back upstairs to charge it, and I continued to write until bed time, unfortunately I was so engrossed with my Cathy Glass book that I had to read it to the end. It was one of her early books, 'Run Mummy, Run!', and I read it when it was released but hadn't read it since, it was good to read it again and really appreciate it.
But it meant I was in bed late, and thus didn't sleep as well.
I woke this morning feeling really bad.
Poor sleep, late night, damp from the clothes drying, and worst, my neck hasn't been angled well, so I was in pain, I had a sore throat, I felt generally awful, so I medded up and did the heavy machine on my neck, but it is still yelping, so I am wearing my collar.

One of the problems with being a freelance writer is that building it into a career means a lot of sitting and a lot of looking at a computer screen, which is not good for my eyes and back - and I am doing this because I am a gardener with a broken back! I can't win!

All I have today is sorting out the car and gardening tools, finishing cleaning the downstairs flat, and not much else but writing. I dropped the art review as there wasn't enough material for the length of review required, and I dropped another project as the instructions were sketchy, I may have made a mistake there, I shouldn't turn work down so readily at this stage, even though I am afraid of rejections, I am waiting for more work to come in but I have loads of work to do in setting up my writing business.

I am told by a freelancer who advises beginners like me, that it can be a 12 hour day, 7 days a week in the first year. It certainly seems that way, you just have to think writing, all the time. You have to love writing to live like this, and I am keeping the gardening business going part time as well. So no wonder I am tired and aching.

I have done the hoovering here and cleaned my bedroom.
So, on with the work.
As a freelancer, I will be starting four more blogs, a writer's general blog, a blog about my health and journey to recover what has been lost as a result of NHS failures and the church's horrendous damage to me, a blog about the NHS failures themselves, and a blog about my gardening work - which will hopefully complement the book, which still hasn't been released.

Anyway. Back to work.

To the person reading the blog at the moment.
I am living in fear because there has been no assurance from the church that they will stop using the press and media or police and damned by one damned by all partnerships to go on terrorizing me.

Saturday

Good morning peeps.

I used 5HTP to help me sleep last night.
The problem is, it causes vivid dreams which can turn to flashbacks.

I was having nightmares about Winchester, and that turned to flashbacks about the NHS for no apparent reason, so I woke and got up just before 5am.

I made tea in the dark and went down to the sea, I tried calling the Samaritans but I didn't really want to talk, I see little point in talking any more, it got too late a long time ago.

I came home, and made a start on the housework, I put the clothes on a long hot wash, I am washing the bedding and towels today as well.

I am reading an e-book about freelancing, and a paperback book by Cathy Glass, as well as running through the usual work.

Today I will just get on with things, even if I feel a bit rough and depressed. I will finish the downstairs flat, hang the washing out, do the housework here, all the usual stuff.

By the way, if my comments about London offended anyone, I am not gay, I just love annoying the homophobic church of england, so that was for their benefit and not yours.
Well, I'm not very gay anyway. I am only 12 years old, I don't know if I am gay or not, but I can drive a car.

The local Police were for some reason prodded into reading my blog recently. Their policy is: Ignore her, unless forced not to ignore her, and then go and terrorize her for her abusers.
I hope I have hit back hard enough to make them reluctant to harass me, but that nightmare of them raiding my home the other night was very vivid.

It is a cold and clear morning, it was almost a frost but not a hard frost like recent mornings.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

I keep meaning to update and I keep wandering off. The day after London tends to be like that.

Yesterday I woke up from a reasonable night's sleep, helped on by 5HTP. I did have one nightmare, very vivid, that the police came here, surrounded the place and tried to get me.

I got up early yesterday morning and got on with what I could before I headed out.
The coach part of the London journey was difficult because of accidents on several roads, so I got a bit stressed, but there was plenty of time really.
It was a productive day, as usual, but stressful and tiring, and you know how I said about travelling in half term being stressful? Yes, it was, but I coped, earphones and neck collar, I was OK.

It looks like I have another extra London run in a few weeks :) Well that will make up for losing a few hours due to coach diversions and incidents. London is my lovely lady, I love to flirt with her, it has been a long term affair, but the passion never fades.

At about 7.30 last night, I was mooching past Victoria Station when my phone beeped, my landlady's daughter was staying over at the flat, so I told them I wouldn't be home until about midnight. Ha.
But the last thing I really wanted, was to come home tired, to find the house full of activity. Thankfully that didn't happen, she was asleep when I got in.

I was exhausted. I slept like I was dead. Hooray! Hey Eyupmeducks, maybe you can pray that I can have more trips to London, it cures insomnia as well as half killing me. By the way, I will write a special post for you soon, don't worry no names or identities, but I've been thinking about it.

Anyway, the alarm went at 6.30 and the first thing I saw was the golden glow of pre-sunrise over the sea. you see, where I sleep, the window in the corner looks out over the sea.
Anyway, up I got, glugged some tea, threw some work clothes on, and went to do farm duties.

I got to the farm, and to my horror, as well as a huge wild rabbit doing acrobatics in the paddock, there were two ducks.
I panicked, had a fox got in? Had the ducks got out? Why were there just two ducks sitting there, and then, to my relief, I realized they were wild ducks.
Phew!
The ducks and geese were cheerful to see me and to see their grub and the pond and freedom and fresh air.
The hens didn't present me with any eggs. They don't like having to stay in the barn while there are avian flu precautions.

I had postponed the day's garden clearance work. When I was young I used to be stubborn and try to do everything but now older and wiser, I know the impact of the London journeys, so I postponed until Tuesday, so I have gardening on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week.
And as things are going, I have content writing most days, but still on very low pay.
Today I actually got my first payment for content writing, you would laugh, but it is a start, and in my position I would say it is a step forward and there is a potential future in freelance writing, so I don't mind. I can get paid weekly for these small assignments, and so far they are all being accepted with positive feedback.

I have actually been working in my office while sitting in bed today, yes, recovering from London but actually working.
I have an art review article on the go, and I have been working very hard on the foundations of my freelance writing career while also resting and watching DVDs.
I have been applying, pitching, advertising, doing writing samples and grammar checks for companies who employ freelances. I have worked hard.

I did go out and do the shopping earlier, I had a £15 voucher for the supermarket, so I got the groceries with that.

At the weekend I will clean and sort out the car, load any gardening stuff I need for the week, finish cleaning the downstairs flat, and do the laundry and any housework needed here.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

I am late with my update. Been busy.

Yesterday the person viewing the empty flat kept being delayed until it was too late to start cleaning.

I was very depressed and distressed yesterday, not much better today. So yesterday evening I got fish and chips just to make sure I ate a big meal, it sometimes helps.
Once I had done that, I took the highest safe dose of 5HTP and put myself into a trance, as that is what a high dose kind of does, you have to be careful.
The side effects include headache, tremors, trance and unsteadiness, not as serious as it sounds, but if I do that I can't drive.
But the aim was, to try to force sleep.

It was successful, even with the side effect of vivid dreams, which I have always told you is a side effect, but thankfully I only woke once, and I had been dreaming an almost pleasant dream about somehow ending up with an offer of work with a farm mechanics company.
Nice, but I have a feeling that my days of farm machinery and being one of the lads is over, fun as it was. In that respect, despite my gender confusion, I have always been a girl, never keen on machinery, just using it when necessary. And yes, I have driven a combine harvester, have you?
Ooh-arr, them gurt big traa-ters we used to drive, churning the flints and squashing the 'ares.
Humour me:

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b_gZ3eCFnaE

Anyway, back from the diversion, I slept pretty much through the night and got up when my alarm went off at 6.30am, still depressed.

I got up and tried to get on with some work, it went wrong and time overran, I had to rush to get to meet my new client. But I got there on time. I was trying to get there to get started before the rain came in, but the rain started as I arrived.

I took an instant liking to my client, a disabled ex-gardener herself, she loves her garden so much but has two conditions, one debilitating and one degenerative, and can do very little a lot of the time.
We chatted away and walked round the garden in the increasing rain, and then chatted some more.
She mentioned that she was struggling to clean the house or find a cleaner, so I offered to temporarily help with that as well while she finds someone, so I have two jobs in one there.
The rain was now heavy and in for the day, so we booked me in for next week.
I have had a tough week of all my scheduled gardening being rained off.

I came home and got on with paperwork for a few hours, all of my content writing had been accepted, and I took another 350 word assignment and completed that and sent it in. Remember, this writing isn't making me rich, it is low pay and a slow start yet, but I am earning something, which is what matters, especially as the gardening season is starting with these heavy rains and high winds. I lost a £10 note today, so I won't be out of the doldrums for a while yet :(

I finally went to get on with cleaning the downstairs flat, and within a few hours had it at a presentable level, it had been a bit messy and mucky.
The rain was still pouring as I finished the flat and headed to the farm to do my farm duties, I hate driving in heavy rain, cross country and at rush hour or in the dark, so I enjoyed all of those things in going to and from farm duties.

The hens presented me with four brown eggs, but the geese and ducks were going quacking mad and the paddock was muddy and flooded, not fun, in the end I had to shut some of the ducks in with the geese and pray they didn't kill them, the geese were deeply offended. I did text the owner and ask if that would be OK, and they said it would. So this has probably happened before.
Then I had the treacherous journey home.

I came home and have been sitting in bed with DVDs and paperwork and things, idling a bit.

Tomorrow is the London run.

Tuesday

Good afternoon peeps,

I think the storms were under-estimated this time, it has been really wild.

I had a slightly better sleep, not brilliant, but I woke up and went into flashbacks about the church, one of the reasons it is hard to come out of flashbacks is because the reality of them destroying me remains and affects my whole life. They slandered me publicly, nationally, internationally, locally, so I remain at risk of harm and violence, and they branded me with their complicit police and multi-agencies, so I have nowhere to turn for help and no access to the NHS, the church's abuse of power is such that they could do all of that, and no authority or agency will handle a complaint, all are complicit or afraid of the church's unregulated and limitless power, so it is hard for me to come out of flashbacks because the nightmare remains and isn't over.

Anyway, it has been a difficult day with distress, no sign of justice, resolution or my voice being heard against my condemners.

The weather has been absolutely wild, I could see the waves smashing on the wall from here. I went down there at some point and the foam all over the road and even on the gardens the other side was incredible.
The car park was full of foam and when I parked, the waves sent foam all over the car so it looked like it had been in a car wash, only salt foam is dirty, unlike soap suds. So the car will look awful tomorrow.

Anyway, the weather prevented any work, and so I got poorer, although the content writing work is going promisingly.
I did two 350 word articles yesterday and one was accepted immediately, the previous shorter ones were accepted, and the longer, more complex assignment I did was accepted and got a really good review from the client.

I did a short assignment today, 100 w words, the pay isn't great for a grade 3 at the beginning of her career and I don't get paid yet, but at least I have made a good start, and I will have to build slowly, because I have been a manual worker all my adult life and this is like being a trainee in an office and I am very messed up from the church destroying me, so changing anything, indeed doing anything except sinking into despair and eventual death, is like swimming through treacle. I think the vicious and callous church thought I would die in 2013 as they destroyed me, but I crawled on, broken and suffering, and that is how things remain.

I don't think I will live to see justice as the church have no intention of justice, they used me as a PR stunt, they destroyed me publicly and covered up, unchallenged, protected their image, upheld the wrongdoers, condemned me in every way and on every system, and nothing can put it right.

I was just going to start cleaning the flat downstairs, which we have decided I won't take, when the landlady turned up as she is showing someone round at 5pm, good thing I hadn't started, I hate being interrupted when I start a job.

Monday

Well yesterday wasn't as uneventful as expected.

I was busy turning bins and recycling out onto the landing and trashing the bathroom when the landlady turned up.
She was amused at my cleaning lady impression.
She and her daughter had come round to gather up books and junk for a sale, they turned out the loft and the spare room, so with my cleaning and their clearout, the house was chaos.

They let me look through the books they were turning out, and I bough two books off them.

Then there was a surprise. The landlady told me there was a flat being vacated downstairs and she asked if I was interested.
She owns the flats.
I was flat-ttered. It was a vote of confidence in me.

I had a look at the flat, but I don't think I can afford it, more rent and then council tax and bills as well. The landlady said she would negotiate money if I was interested, but she does have someone else interested.
I don't think I can afford it, I can barely make the rent for the room.
I live in the landlady's flat as a lodger, but she isn't here most of the time so I caretake and look after the whole flat and sit here at the lounge table with the panoramic views of the sea, the cliffs, the hills and the town, if the landlady or her daughter are here and need the lounge, then I sit in bed and watch DVDs or sit at the little desk in my room and compute.
The downstairs flat would be my own space, but no panoramic views and more bills.

Anyway, I got on with my assignment and the housework.
I got the assignment in.

I started reading one of the books I bought from the landlady and her daughter, it is called
'No-one Listened' and it is a pretty devastating book.
It is about two siblings whose mother was killed by their father.
Years of domestic abuse had been ignored, overlooked, not acted upon, and the murder happened as a result.
The children came home from school to the chaos of the aftermath of the murder.
From that moment their rights and needs were overlooked and nobody told them anything or gave them any choices or warnings of anything that was going to happen.
They were dumped with unfit foster parents miles from home and endured further abuse and harm.
They had a terrible time with their father's trial for murder, and social services and the authorities didn't look after them or support them well.
When their foster placement broke down they were dumped in a care home and treated like criminals.
They didn't give up but fought for a better life for themselves.
They did so much better than me. They are admirable.

The book reminds me that it is not just me who has been treated shittily by the authorities but gone on trying and fighting for a better life.

There are some words in the book, towards the end that really resound with me, because they relate to my life so absolutely.
Isobel says 'It is hard to know which is the worst option, not being able to talk about your past, or being constantly judged for what happened to you years before'.

The church have left me as a fugitive who is attacked when people hear the church's side of who I am.

Anway, because I couldn't sleep, I stayed up and read that whole book. I salute the courage, integrity and determination of those two siblings who didn't give up when all the odds were against them, and accepted and came to terms with every crisis thrown at them, stoically and bravely.

I didn't sleep well. I need to overcome this crisis of insomnia and nightmares, but I don't know how.
I was tired this morning and needed to get up and go and assess a new garden. It was hard to get going.
The new garden is massive but the type I can work well with.
It is down near where I used to live.
So after assessing and arranging. I went down to the sea, the waves were beating on the wall in the cold and sunny morning. Beautiful.
I will be doing that garden later this week. I am struggling to time things so that the money comes in when it is needed, but we can't arrange for me to do that garden today as they have other things to do, and I have other commitments until Friday, so it will have to be Friday after farm duties, or Saturday.

I am home, sitting here a bit tired, and working through mountains of paperwork and boring stuff, looking for the next steps in my freelance writing career, which will take time to build due to it being a competitive industry.

Sunday

Good morning peeps,

I am just about awake, maybe, working on this content assignment, which is in full draft, I have about 8 hours to edit it and hand it in, and with something like this, 8 hours isn't that much.

Yesterday afternoon I was so tired that I fell asleep for a while.

Then I got on with the assignment and other paperwork, while listening to my old faves on Youtube.
Happy memories, Tim used to let us have them on top volume while we cut up pigs in the lab:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v2CF8HHbWdo

I never talk about Dorset do I?
No, it was a living hell, mainly because of the Lihous and Paul but not exclusively because of them. I will never like Dorset.

Anyway.

I went to bed as soon as I felt able to cope with trying to sleep, and I slept.
I had horrendous nightmares. Death, Bath and Wells, all that kind of thing.

I had trouble waking from the nightmares, so I missed the sunrise, yesterday's sunrise was wonderful pinks on the sea and sky. Today the sun is shining and the tide is in, the waves are on the cliffs.

I am doing the blog now as I have a very boring day, nothing to interest you, just writing and maybe down to the sea, and cleaning the bathroom.

I have another garden to view tomorrow.

It sounds like I have lots of new work, but I am still in deficit, the next two weeks are all bills and I don't know how much I can earn or even when I can start either of the new gardens.

I have a London meeting this next week as well as the two new gardens to view, so I won't be doing the 12 mile walk with the gang. Technically I can't walk any distance but a strange thing happens, once I get walking, as long as I keep walking, I can walk. As you saw from the epic sponsored walks I used to do :) and the recent dog walk.

The thing with London is I have to pay the tickets in advance even though I get repaid, so I make a deficit in my low funds in the meantime, then they repay me and I get vouchers as well, but I am trying to work out how to juggle everything, while unsure what my earnings will be.
If I can get through February, it will hopefully get better.

It's half term in some places, so I really need to book my travel as soon as possible. I don't like travel during half term. Hopefully everyone has gone skiing before the snow melts.

Saturday

Hello Peeps,

Yesterday I went dog walking despite the rain clouds rolling in.
We walked for 90 minutes.
Down to the cliff, down the cliff, miles along the beach in the deserted silence, with wild waves rolling in. Beautiful. Not a soul in sight, no people either.

We climbed back up the cliff, and the phone rang right at the very top. The dog sighed and waited as I tried to answer. The wind was howling and phone conversations aren't my strong point.

It was another prospective garden.
I have had two this week, one was a timewaster, I think they were a timewaster last year as well.
The other I will view on Wednesday.
Anyway, this one on the phone in the howling wind arranged for me to view today.

So we walked back along the cliffs and over the fields, and came back to a nice lunch. The dog had a nice bone, I didn't, I had soup and toast with butter, and cheese, and scones, and the best company in the world with which to eat it. They do delicious meals at their house, and they are lovely.

After lunch I came home, felt ill and rested in bed with DVDs and computer work and things, and in the evening I continued computer work. I have already been told that my first ever content work assignment was accepted by the client, hopefully the others will, and I got a new assignment that is a bit tricky but I have to hand it in tomorrow. One more assignment after this will mean I have done 5, and then the site will assess my work so far.

I was afraid to go to bed, as usual, and stayed up more than I intended, one problem is that I don't get to sleep easily and I don't like lying in bed and getting distressed.
Anyway, I slept but not well, I had nightmares.
I only really remember one. In the dream the church were cooking up another entrapment, like all the ones so far, but they were being open and noisy about it, and were embarrassed when they realized
 I could hear every word.
In the dream, they used someone called Becky, who had blue hair and no legs, to try and entrap me, but I fought her off.
How funny, I wonder if that was a dream reference to Julie Wallman, who was used by the church to gain my confidence and then utterly destroy me?

Anyway, the patchy sleep faded into flashbacks early this morning, and although my alarm was set for 7.15, I was up by 6.30.
I got some written work done while I had breakfast, and then off I went to work.

I did a few hours at the care home and made an impact.
Then I went to view this new garden.
This new place was more like a country estate, the type I avoid after my experiences.
The work is mainly heavy, strimming and hedge trimming, not exactly what I want when my career is changing direction after finding out that my spine is broken.
And I am not sure they are taking me on, we didn't click, and they said there won't be anything until next month because of how wet the clay soil is. I hope that was a fob off, I don't want the job.
They have horses and stables and paddocks and everything, but as I said, it's usually the worst work, country estates, I prefer small and medium gardens and normal people.
If I sound ungrateful for the opportunity, I am going by experience, and the only country estate I really feel comfortable with is the farm.

I came home as the rain started to fall, it is still raining and I am in bed and watching DVDs.
I will be working, but computer work, so I am not being lazy.
I have done the dishwasher, I only have bins and bathroom left on my chores.
And tons of paperwork and computerwork.

Friday

Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I went to do the care home.
I stopped off at the welfare, just intending to get some bread, but the community gardens manager was there and she persuaded me to stop for a cuppa and a chat, and by the time that was done and I had got bread and headed for the care home, it was raining and I had started to feel ill again.
This is a strange illness, my back and arm hurt terribly, and I feel headachy and tired and achy and useless, it is like flu without the chest and cough symptoms, although saying that, I am still on meds to keep my chest clear.

Anyway, so I came home and went to bed with a hot water bottle and some DVDs, I ended up doing some work on the computer as well, and didn't sleep.

I made an appointment to see the new garden, and as I did, another garden contacted me, another new one. Here comes the gardening season!

I am still afraid of bed time and sleep, so stayed up too late. I slept but dreamed about the church and their horrible Bishops and Archbishop, I got up once and went back to sleep and woke a bit later than I would like.
I still don't feel great.

I have the dog to walk, if the weather allows. It is forecast rain, yet the sun is shining.
I will leave the care home for Monday, and see how I feel about a 12 mile walk with some other people on Tuesday. It is one of my favourite walks, but I am not in great shape.

Thursday

Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I deep cleaned the cottage as the sun shone and the geese chased the ducks and honked at them. Then I handed the farm back to it's owners and tiredly made my way back to the flat.

I realized when I got to the flat that I felt really ill. My temperature went up suddenly and I was aching and itchy and tired.

And my back hurt, so much that it was hard to straighten up and walk, and my arm hurt as well.

I unpacked at the flat, but I was hungry and didn't have anything to cook and didn't have much money left.

I went to the shop and got a pizza, which is an easy and filling meal. I had that to eat and lay on the bed with a pillow for my back, and watched DVDs.

I felt a bit better, and as I browsed the internet, I realised that I could probably do a lot of the little assignments on the content writing site. So I made a start and did three, 100 words each and paying about £1 each which isn't much but at my speed and considering it builds up my experience and record of content writing, it seemed worth it. When I had done three I got a message saying that as I am a new writer, the site has to check these assignments before I continue.
This was annoying because all the work will be done by the time they check them, and in my instructions when I joined, I was told that they assess your work after 5 assignments, not 3.

Anyway, whether or not you understand that, I have made my first steps in content writing. Small steps.

Someone texted me, having seen my gardening adverts, but I had no credit to text back. So I thought it would wait until today after I have done some work for the care home.

Today I needed money for rent, petrol, £5 credit for the phone, and about £10 for a bill tomorrow.

I am fortunate to have good friends and was surprised when a friend emailed and said she had sent me some money.

I went out to see if there were any local delivery driving jobs last night, and came home not feeling too ill, and went to bed.
I had a restless night and woke too sleepy as it got light, I went to the loo and went back to bed, and slept in until nearly 10am!
I was dreaming too. I dreamed there was a funeral, someone at my church, and then I dreamed I met Bob Hill and Neil McMurray and they actually listened when I said that I couldn't cope with their coverage of my case as I was too traumatized.
It's funny, Neil didn't look like he did at the hospital.
We talked about my books as well, and there were ferries and planes and choppy seas.
It was nice that Bob was OK in my dream, although he didn't actually speak speak, but nonetheless was able to make his point in the conversation.

Anyway, I woke up feeling really ill again. I have had all the meds possible and am just about human again. I realised I cut my hand moving the duck house yesterday and my hand was infected.
I wonder if I got sick from that or something on the farm? I have disinfected the cut.

I am still tired and not great but also not in great pain, so I will go and do the care home. And I will get credit and text this new garden, there is plenty of work there apparently and the owner is ill.

Wednesday

Good morning peeps,

The sun is shining loudly. And it is bitter cold and windy. Last night it was snowing but not heavily. I had left the rugs and mats out the back where I was sweeping and beating them but they didn't come to too much harm.

Last night I snuggled up on the sofa in my duvet, the fire roaring and the usual rubbish on television.

I slept reasonably well, woke from nightmares once, started going into flashbacks, overrode them and slept again.
Left the alarm clock downstairs but woke nice and early and did the animals. No eggs from the hens but one from the ducks.

I am now cleaning the cottage and packing in preparation to come home. I think the farm people are back but I am not sure.
I have to stay until I know, and until I know if I am doing the animals this evening, which is fine.
Plenty of cleaning to do, this is a big old cottage.
I have a nice fire going, and the lounge smells of wood polish and wood smoke.

I still only have the one garden and one dog walk to do this week, but I have put my new season gardening adverts up ready. The mild weather has meant that weeds are growing, things are budding, and grass is beginning to grow.

Still very short of money and very worried. Being messed about and let down with my winter work at the end of January was catastrophic.

Tuesday

Good afternoon peeps,

I had a rough night so I am not having a great day.

I was too distressed by the church's actions to sleep.
I usually say my prayers at bed time because I am autistic and I can't change my routine, but when I do say my prayers I get distressed wondering why God allowed the church to destroy me so utterly that things are left with me a destroyed and damned fugitive.

This is one of the reasons I don't sleep well, the distress and confusion and flashbacks.

So I was up half the night and felt ill this morning.

I did the animals though, one of the ducks is laying eggs. But the hens didn't bother.

I have had a quiet day here, too depressed and short of money to go anywhere. I only have one garden and one dog walk to earn money this week, things are still dire and no new assignments for content writing have come up.

Tomorrow I am supposed to finish at the farm and head home, but as yet I don't know what time.

I will miss the comfy sofa and the fire and things, and this table, which is good for working on.

I pray with all my heart for the impossible, for my suffering to end and the people who have destroyed me to make a redaction of their public attack before stepping down, but that is a lot of Bishops, dignitaries and safeguarding people to step down, and they need to put right the damage that the complicit police and other authorities and NHS have inflicted as well.
I hear that God can perform miracles, but if he let these people destroy me and leave me defamed and attacked by strangers for life, can He put it right and How can He put it right?

Thank you to the Churches in Kent and Diocese of Canterbury for a good response to my serious formal complaint so far. Keep it up.

There'll be bluebirds over the White Cliffs of Dover, when Trevor Willmott and his evil entourage  are removed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hqtaoz4QFX8&t=6s

Monday

Good evening,

I am in my duvet on the sofa, nice log fire, and actually watching Big Bang Theory.

I can't remember anything about last night or this morning.

I got some written work done.

Eventually I went out. My Omeprazole had arrived at the mail handling, and I have been out of Omeprazole for long enough to be worried about the pain and symptoms, a day away from a hole in my insides causing blood poisoning :) nah, I am OK now, 60mg of Omeprazole soothed it quickly as it does. It is hard work looking after myself with almost no money and no NHS.

Anyway, then I went to the flat. Time to start preparing to go back.
I have all the farm duties until Wednesday now and then the people are home.

At the flat I hoovered, sprayed some air freshener, and put the heating on, as it was cold and musty there. I drank three cups of tea while I had the dishwasher running, and I watched 'Are you being Served' on the DVD. The sun was shining and a monster cargo ship gloomed past on the sea.

Then I found my sudocrem, superglue, 'Working Hands' cream and other things and came back to the farm.
The animals behaved at putting away time, and the hens presented me with two eggs. I had got some reduced sausages, so I did sausage egg and beans for tea, I didn't really have lunch.

My feet have got all cracked and hurt from the mud here at the farm, so I superglued the cracks like I do with my hands, and I soaked them in sudocrem, hopefully they will be OK, I will put some working hands cream on them tomorrow too. I am sure you wanted to know that :)

I left yesterday's washing out all night and all today, and the washing was dry but cold when I got it in.
I lit a fire, which is still nice and hot.
I have been writing and working, no new content assignment yet, the majority are for grade 4 writers and I came in at grade 3, and can't progress yet.

I am already in my pyjamas and the duvet and fire are warm.

I keep thinking there is something I am forgetting to say.
I am a bit worried about Max, but my mechanic always pours scorn on my worries, I did get a new bottle or oil for him today, I will do his oil and water in the morning.

Sunday

Good morning peeps,

A bright and very breezy day. The wind is howling but the sun is shining.

Last night I had to formally quit my first content writing assignment due to being unable to trace the information needed and due to confusion caused by new legislation. It was a subject that I knew little about and even with my study and writing skills, I couldn't pull it together and ethically I felt uncomfortable with the subject, which I am not supposed to discuss on here.
It was sad and a relief, but it means no money until I get another assignment.

I had trouble getting to sleep, but slept somewhat better when I did/

I wore my deportation pyjamas and boots to do the animals this morning, the hens have started laying again but there were no eggs for breakfast.

I have been writing and not doing much, watched Hollyoaks, I can't give Hollyoaks much attention because it is pretty boring and predictable, every few months someone kills people and locks people up, I could write it for them.

I have Lala Land on at the moment, and a nice log fire.
The washing is also on, just to annoy the Anglicans who wash the outside and not the inside.
The sun and wind means I can hang the washing out for a few hours at least.

My tasks aren't overwhelming today, odds and ends.

Traumatized by Jersey flashbacks at the moment, but not too severe, I hope they go away.
Go away Jersey. I will scream.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

Well last night I tried to get on with my assignment. And got a bit tired and tense, overdid things, went to bed too late, as I do at the moment.
I had a bath at bed time and was reading the book I borrowed from my friends, I was reading it in the bath and then in bed.
I almost always get headaches when I have a bath, which is why I shouldn't have baths, but I so wanted to try to relax and just be me rather than the church of england's scapegoat, sometimes I try, so I thought a bath and a book would help.
But I had a restless night again, and aches in my head and neck.

I dreamed vividly about a ferry and a rough sea.

I dreamed that I was at the port and the ferry was already starting to move from the dock, the sea was rough and dark, it was night, but someone told me to jump onto the ferry and I did.

The next thing I knew was the ferry was smashing against the harbour wall. There were lots of children, silent and wide eyed, and I said the ferry was like titanic, it was damaged more than it looked. Everyone was still, and then they started moving up the ferry.
I woke up.
The rooks were making their morning noise, and it was raining.

I did the animals. The hens gave me two eggs today, they are starting to lay again.

I have been doing a mixture of curling up in the duvet on the couch with the fire roaring, watching television, and working on this assignment, which doesn't help my headache, it is due in tomorrow.

It rained all day, and this evening the animals didn't mind being put away.

I went and checked that the flat was OK, and it is. I was a bit worried about Max, but maybe needlessly.
Now I have a film on, but I must get on with this assignment.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

The church of england kicking off again, the usual rubbish. Welby-Dustbin and co.
I am cleaning the bathroom to commemorate the occasion.

Last night someone read my blog and stepped in to help me, hence the previous post. And I feel a lot better as a result.

Even so, I had a restless night with vivid dreams and distress in the early hours.

This morning, my priority was to go out and get milk for tea. Tea with milk is the most important thing in the world.

Being at the cottage makes me feel like I am on holiday, that, as well as the depression means that I have a long and lazy start to the day.
But by midday I was out clearing out the greenhouse on the farm. I decided to wear my plimsolls as I didn't think any mud would be involved...

The geese escaped and were haring round the yard, yelling excitedly.

I had to round them up, they are like naughty schoolchildren, they slunk back into the paddock. By then my shoes were muddy, but I noticed it looked like we were missing a duck.
By the time I located him, hiding behind reeds in the pond, my new plimsolls were very muddy.

I think the gate was secured but the wind blew it sideways. I don't do all the farm duties, but I am sure my workmate had secured them this morning.

Anyway.

I came in and did computer based work and housework until it was time to go over to my friends' house.
My friends made hot chocolate and we talked for a few hours, we exchanged some books and off I came home to put the animals away.
The hens are in the barn anyway because of the avian flu, so I had done their feeder and water, and the Quails the same.
So I just had to round the ducks and geese up. And they were good today, the ducks can be a handful.

I lit a good hot fire and have been working at the computer. And watching a bit of television, and doing some housework, etc.

I have all the farm duties for the weekend, but apart from that it all looks very quiet for the weekend, chores and pottering, writing, television, housework.

A Good Friend, the Greatest Treausre:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRbBegjoLU8

Eyupmeduck.

Thank you.

Thursday

Hey peeps,

Things are desperate. My bank is £13 in debit and I don't have an overdraft facility. I don't know what to do. I don't have any more work this week.
Things are desperate. I do have food thanks to the welfare and kindly sent Amazon vouchers. But no money for rent and bills, I am getting into difficulties now.
I like to stand on my own too feet and pay my bills and rent and food, but I struggle, a disabled gardener in winter. And even if I am entitled to more disability benefit due to the belated recent revelations about my broken and twisted spine, it will take time to sort out.
Dire.

Anyway, my mood has been very low indeed, last night I was crying and I couldn't sleep very well. I had a bad night.

This morning, very depressed, I couldn't get much done. I have the greenhouse to sort out on the farm and not much else, but I couldn't drag myself to do it.

I stayed by the computer. I got a content writing assignment but not a subject that I know much about, and as my first assignment, I have no idea how it will turn out. I feel out of my depth.

I simply felt depressed and useless today. I lit a fire this afternoon and went and put clean bedding in the geese hut and got a load of logs for the fire. I barrow logs round from the barn.

I put the geese and ducks and hens away this afternoon and went to collect my box of food and toiletries from Amazon, paid for entirely by vouchers. Then I went and checked the flat.
Then I came home, and picked up bread and eggs from the welfare, and have just been having those for supper.

I feel awful, I go on living without justice or a voice, and it is no quality of life, I go on and on trying, trying just to live and hold life together, and sometimes it is overwhelming and feels useless.

Right now I am listening to this, I shouldn't because it is the only song that makes the grief alive. Or is it better for it to be real. Come with me, the thunder is rolling round Mowmacre Hill and Stocking Farm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qdzbjUWu2VU