Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

I feel rough, all round rough. And my eyes keep blurring. I have had conjunctivitis this week, but I fell asleep this afternoon with a cold eye mask to soothe my eyes and head, and now my eyes won't clear.

Last night was astonishingly free from flashbacks and nightmares, I kept drifting to the surface and going 'Where are the flashbacks then?' We Aspies get used to ways of life. But it was like there was a barrier between me and the trauma all night and even when I woke. I did dream, but I was just doing the housework in my dream, and at one point a corrupt judge did wander into my dream but he didn't get in the way of me dragging clothes airers around and cleaning the bathroom.

This morning the main priority was physiotherapy.
I found it very difficult.
The appointment took an hour.
When I got there gave the receptionist the card for my late physiotherapist's family, and it was close to one or another of us starting crying, she said tributes and cards were pouring in.

My new physio is a right fierce little thing, not at all laid back and gentle like the old one. Too stressful.
The first thing she said though was that is was very sad about the other physio's death, and it made her think, because he wasn't old and was in good health, I agreed, it had made me think the same, it could happen to any of us. She said she could still see him sitting there and chatting, and I agreed, it seems impossible that he is gone.

The physio itself was really really difficult. She gave priority to my legs and back, as she could see problems straight away. She said the left kneecap is because the left leg takes the strain from the right leg, do you remember someone saying that to me before? Was it the NHS physios who said that in 2015?

She confirmed that the kneecaps showed that I have the hypermobility disorder previously belatedly discovered by the NHS, and remarked that the usual marker is indeed missing, you know people who can bend their hands and thumbs back and that is how it is usually spotted? I can't bend my hands and thumbs back. But I can bend my elbows.
Elbows, knees, hips, ankles,spine, and oesophagus of course, yes over-flexibility is due to the hypermobility disorder. The spinal extreme flexibility is one of the reasons the NHS didn't realise I had broken my back. She told me to be careful because when bending I find it easier to bend my spine than my knees, my knees give way, but I am putting pressure on the break.

When she got me to walk around, my ankle was giving way as it does, causing the stagger that I have when I have no boots to support me. She examined it all and gave the same views as the walking clinic in 2012, then she taped my ankle, you would be surprised the difference. She asked if I ever wore a support and I told her the support drove me mad, so I wear hiking boots most of the time.

She's a fiend with tape, that lady is, would you believe I am sitting here with not just my ankle and knee taped, but also my lower spine!!! Gah! She's trying to get my leg to straighten a bit.

Anyway, she was concerned because the stagger from sitting to standing doesn't respond to anything or seem to be the ankle, I came to the conclusion a while back that it is the hip or neurological, with an outside chance of being the lower back. The stagger is on the weaker right hand side.

Anyway, she mauled my lower spine a bit. She is a bit puzzled by my case, having suddenly taken it on because of my physio's sudden death, and not being up to speed at all, and being presented with the massive spinal clinic report booklet. She was rapid-firing questions at me and I couldn't cope. I asked her if she had seen on my notes that I have Asperger Syndrome, she had, and I told her that was why I was struggling with her questions.

I found it all really difficult, physical contact is always hard for me, but the recently deceased physio was so skillful that he never caused me any stress, but this new lady is very sharp and hands on and firing questions at me, at the end I told her I am too dissociated to really know what is wrong or that I am in pain until the pain is overwhelming, and she kind of understood.

She didn't do my neck or the lazer treatment, and I had woken this morning in pain and didn't do any management of it because I wanted her to have a look at it. So it was left in pain.

The clinic had done my referral form, so when I got home I emailed the lady who had met me about referral, and she had arranged for the triage person to meet me and do triage.

After physio, I crawled off and died. No, I didn't, I got bread rolls from the welfare and went to the mail handling centre, where all my meds, including my 5HTP, had arrived.

I came home, I was feeling quite tired and ill, I tried to do pain management and put my neck in the machine, but it didn't make much difference. You know I skipped a meal yesterday, wrote that document, and struggled to get the ducks in at the farm, that all triggered it.

The whole physio experience and taking a 5HTP after being off it was too much, I lay down and slept. I woke three hours later.

My right side is numb, my right leg is not managing very well, I think the physio overdid it. I feel pretty rough.

And to make life more depressing, money is low. All that rained off, and tomorrow's gardens have rebooked due to the forecast, all the medicine bills and the physio bill and a redirection order renewal have depleted my funds too much.

I have eggs from the farm so I had better go and do supper before I get on with a 750 word boundary disputes article for a client.
My freelance writing is not bringing in enough money for me to make a living, but it does look as if I am going to have to retire from gardening.
I feel very gloomy, I will go and hide under a bucket.

Stephen Hawkin died, but I wasn't keen on him, especially not after seeing that film. People see him as someone who changed history, and he did have a brilliant mind.