Sunday

Hey peeps,

I know norty rood words, shall I tell you some of them?

You know I've been drinking coffee neat, don't you?

I shouldn't.

Hm.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my good friend's death, and she was irreplacable. All friends are, I still need some new ones, I know I have the gang and the various churchpeeps and all that, and the sailing groups again these days, but I am still isolated. One of the probs with being at the farm is I am very alone and although it is writer's paradise up here, I am very alone and that leads to depression, and coffee.

Yesterday the people I had been doing driving for decided to tell me that I wasn't needed and I had just been covering for the full time driver who had been off injured. Really? They never told me that before, and they were abrupt and didn't even thank me for my work. I was devastated, but you know from my book and blogs that these people do treat their workers, especially drivers, shittily.

I came home and I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. I was already really struggling to make ends meet, now I was really facing destitution. It is still winter for the gardening season and there are no other driving jobs around.  I have bills to pay.

Eventually I did sleep, and I slept deeply. I woke early this morning to the sound of the rooks making a fuss outside.

I got up, put jeans and boots over my pyjamas and went out to sort the animals out.

Then I did sausage and egg for breakfast. The eggs are from a neighbouring farm, out henz aren't laying at the moment.

I had put today aside for writing and writing related tasks.

I put Hollyoaks on tv, and then films, but I was good and sat at the comeputer, preparing work and looking at the competition scene. I am so nervous and without confidence in my writing at the moment, life events have rocked my confidence.

I wasn't hungry at lunch, so I went out looking for a driving job, no luck. I went by the flat and picked up some toiletries and books, no-one there, I think the landlady's daughter is either over at a friend's or she has moved out and they forgot to tell me. Sounds about right. It is all clean and quiet there.

I put the animals away here, and have actually been working very hard with writing, just writing preparation, which is all the boring stuff I told you about the other day. But because I am desperately worried about income, I have signed up and produced test articles for content writing sites. They ask for short pieces of work to test your ability. Wish me luck. Actually if I am successful that is a good step forward in my writing career, content writing and maybe copy work as well.

I have Rain Man on the television and I feel very depressed.

The people who got rid of me from driving shifts yesterday without even saying thank you, after I covered so many shifts and worked so hard, have just texted me to offer me a shift, and then tried to phone me, I am very unhappy and confused, I desperately need the money but being treated as disposable unless it suits them is not on.
The joys of poverty, peeps, my clothes are ragged, I am in debt, I don't know how to make ends meet or keep a roof over my head, or what to do when the car breaks and my income is completely lost. I can be used and thrown away by cheap people and I nearly couldn't pay the rent again this week, the next few weeks I don't know how I will manage the rent and bills.

On a brighter note. My friend's parents have a lively huge labrador (which almost bit me once) and I can take it for a walk tomorrow, that will cheer me up, I am sure it will cheer the dog up too. I do have gardening tasks at the care home this week, but the rest of the work is still down, and of course the sub-contract work finished for good.
Desperate times peeps, not that things have ever been great.