Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Well last night I was restless, and my dreams were part nightmare and part peaceful, strange mixture, sometimes trauma causes that strange mix.

I got up this morning, slightly in pain and slightly depressed. Sat down to read the news that I have been accepted as a content writer by one company, and not on the lowest grade, which is nice, even so, it is the start of a new direction and there is no steady income and a long ladder to climb, but you have to start somewhere.
Even so, I passed the writing test, which is good.
Then I went out in pyjamas and boots and let the animals out into their paddocks. No one is around, so who cares, and my pyjamas are Jersey deportation tracksuit. `

I seemed to spend way too long on getting myself sorted and getting computer stuff done this morning, then the gas man turned up, he needed a spade and wanted to look at the gas tanks, but the gas area was flooded, which was unexpected, but there was a burst water pipe a recently and has been a lot of rain as well.
The gas man had to leave the gas for now, but it has enough, we will have to get the water pumped out.

Then I went to work, seeing as the rain had stopped.
On the way to work I went to the welfare, I left them a celeriac and a net of sweet potatoes, I was given both, and don't know what they are for. I picked up bread and vegetables and donuts for me at the welfare, then I went to work.

I worked at the care home, digging, sweeping, weeding, and trying to prop the fence up. The fence needs replacing.

Then I came home. I did the animals, and I cleaned the car, at last.

Then I have been doing online and computer work, I have to provide more writing samples, and I randomly came across a description of something I had written for a friend, and decided that was ideal, and posted that as a writing sample after editing it.
I am nearly ready to start content writing.

I have also been doing the housework. I got another barrow of logs and got the fire going, the fire is so hot, yesterday I dried the washing in front of it. The wind is so strong at the moment, it blows the chimney and makes the fire roar. I am out of firelighters so I have been using old dry hay.

I am grateful for the various Amazon vouchers that people have sent, it means I have a pair of plimsolls and have been able to order food and toiletries, money is very short at the moment.

I forgot to say, the moon has been interesting. Yesterday night it was cloudy and the lady on the radio sounded like me when she was going on about the moon, she said 'There are all sorts of moons tonight, loads and loads of them, but there is too much cloud to see them!'

Late night, bed time last night, I could see the moon, blue but hazy, in the clouds outside. Tonight the moon rose huge and clear over the fields, impressive and bluey, but my silly phone was playing up, so the pictures aren't very good.

Tuesday

Good morning peeps,

Please excuse my lack of update. I was being distracted or lazy.

Yesterday I woke up having slept quite well. But it took me a while to get sorted out and in the end I went into town without having had a shower.

I went to the bank and then I went over to get the dog walked.

My friends' parents have a big strong dog and they have had health problems, so they welcomed having a dog walker for a longer walk.

The dog walks at a smart pace, so I will get fit if I do that every week. We walked round the lanes and the village, and I wished I could live there. But my car is old and the village is remote, and it wouldn't be practical.

When we got back from our walk, I was invited to lunch. Good soup, bread and cheese, and crisps. Very nice.
And then my friends turned up, this is their parents and parents-in-law I was walking the dog for , so they stayed for lunch too, so it was nice company and nice food, it cheered me up.
I was invited for hot chocolate at my friends' house on Friday, and then off I went.

I drove down the cliffs, the waves were big and wild, and I drove home via the petrol station as Max was a bit thirsty.

I am still at the farm, so I got back and did some writing.

In the evening I went to deliver a letter, and I went to the flat to check it was all OK. It was. No-one there.
I drove by the sea and stopped, the waves were huge in the darkness, it felt a bit scary sitting in the car and watching the waves come up to the wall.

I came back, and eventually went to bed, I get anxious and distressed because of the church and it is hard to go to bed.
I slept well though, reasonably well. Dreamed of my childhood with my brothers.
I don't let it make me sad any more, I just bless the fact that I can go back and re-live it in dreams and then come back here.
I woke up feeling relaxed. And here I am, drinking tea.

Sunday

Hey peeps,

I know norty rood words, shall I tell you some of them?

You know I've been drinking coffee neat, don't you?

I shouldn't.

Hm.

Yesterday was the anniversary of my good friend's death, and she was irreplacable. All friends are, I still need some new ones, I know I have the gang and the various churchpeeps and all that, and the sailing groups again these days, but I am still isolated. One of the probs with being at the farm is I am very alone and although it is writer's paradise up here, I am very alone and that leads to depression, and coffee.

Yesterday the people I had been doing driving for decided to tell me that I wasn't needed and I had just been covering for the full time driver who had been off injured. Really? They never told me that before, and they were abrupt and didn't even thank me for my work. I was devastated, but you know from my book and blogs that these people do treat their workers, especially drivers, shittily.

I came home and I was overwhelmed with grief and despair. I was already really struggling to make ends meet, now I was really facing destitution. It is still winter for the gardening season and there are no other driving jobs around.  I have bills to pay.

Eventually I did sleep, and I slept deeply. I woke early this morning to the sound of the rooks making a fuss outside.

I got up, put jeans and boots over my pyjamas and went out to sort the animals out.

Then I did sausage and egg for breakfast. The eggs are from a neighbouring farm, out henz aren't laying at the moment.

I had put today aside for writing and writing related tasks.

I put Hollyoaks on tv, and then films, but I was good and sat at the comeputer, preparing work and looking at the competition scene. I am so nervous and without confidence in my writing at the moment, life events have rocked my confidence.

I wasn't hungry at lunch, so I went out looking for a driving job, no luck. I went by the flat and picked up some toiletries and books, no-one there, I think the landlady's daughter is either over at a friend's or she has moved out and they forgot to tell me. Sounds about right. It is all clean and quiet there.

I put the animals away here, and have actually been working very hard with writing, just writing preparation, which is all the boring stuff I told you about the other day. But because I am desperately worried about income, I have signed up and produced test articles for content writing sites. They ask for short pieces of work to test your ability. Wish me luck. Actually if I am successful that is a good step forward in my writing career, content writing and maybe copy work as well.

I have Rain Man on the television and I feel very depressed.

The people who got rid of me from driving shifts yesterday without even saying thank you, after I covered so many shifts and worked so hard, have just texted me to offer me a shift, and then tried to phone me, I am very unhappy and confused, I desperately need the money but being treated as disposable unless it suits them is not on.
The joys of poverty, peeps, my clothes are ragged, I am in debt, I don't know how to make ends meet or keep a roof over my head, or what to do when the car breaks and my income is completely lost. I can be used and thrown away by cheap people and I nearly couldn't pay the rent again this week, the next few weeks I don't know how I will manage the rent and bills.

On a brighter note. My friend's parents have a lively huge labrador (which almost bit me once) and I can take it for a walk tomorrow, that will cheer me up, I am sure it will cheer the dog up too. I do have gardening tasks at the care home this week, but the rest of the work is still down, and of course the sub-contract work finished for good.
Desperate times peeps, not that things have ever been great.

2 years ago

2 Years ago my friend died.
I still remember her.

This is the song that reminds me of my friends who died in January.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wonVGQ64fjM

Saturday

Good morning peeps.

Well yesterday I worked on the farm and felt all useful and happy.

I restored a water supply to a trough, and I shifted muck and soil around in big loads and generally looked very busy.

The only problem was, my only footwear at the moment is a pair of walking boots, and they got very muddy.
The joys of poverty.

I had an evening shift as well, but they sent me home early-ish as it wasn't busy, it was surprising that it went quiet as it had been busy, and it was obviously payday as everyone was tipping me.

I came home and went to bed, slept well, but woke from nightmares this morning.
Despite the nightmares, my body was very relaxed, as if I had slept deeply, and the bed was all warm and snuggly.
I thought I had slept late but it was only 8.30, which isn't late for a Saturday, the sun was shining golden through the blinds and the sea was pale grey.

I got up and have been trying to sort things out so I can go and stay on the farm. I am on farm duties while everyone is away, and I can have the cottage for any of that time, which is nice.
It means I can focus on writing, up there on my own in the pitch black countryside nights. I don't know if I have mentioned staying over there on farm duties before, but I do sometimes, and there is a super shower there, it gets my hair so clean.
I have a few pieces of writing I want to finish this week.

I have an driving evening shift this evening.

I think I will go down to the sea if there is time, I have to go in town to the bank before I go to the farm.

Friday

Good morning you peeps,

I am being pedantic, so I am writing this post in order and you have to read it in order.

On Wednesday it rained and I was miserable and gloomy. I went to work and read my book, it was quiet at work and I finished early.
I was worried about working and being tired and having everything ready and getting up in the morning.

In the morning I woke with the first alarm, 4am, I was tired and grumpy and glad to leave the philosophical discussion I had been dragged into in my dreams.

I washed, dressed, ate, grabbed my packed lunch, and headed off.

Was lucky to park Max in the same place.

It was a milder morning this time, I walked to the terminal in good time to start my journey.

I grabbed a tea when I got to the coach terminal some time later, it was still dark and I sat and read greedily of my book, 'Winter Solstice', which I had started on Monday. I love that book, it's like Duma Key, it is about building a new life out of disaster, which is what I did, or tried to, the best efforts of the church kind of destroyed everything again.

Anyway, I was well looked after by assisted travel and had a comfortable journey with my headphones in and music on, it was dark when the coach set off, but already getting lighter than the same time the previous week.
I got to see another lovely sunrise into the pale winter sky, two in a week, awesome, beautiful.

We arrived in London and I had a McDonalds card so I sat in Mc Donalds and read my book and had tea and tried not to panic.

Then I went to the clinic.

I wasn't kept waiting, they are very good. Within minutes I was in the consulting room.

And it turned out to be a topsy turvy result.

My neck isn't broken, no, indeed, it can be treated, it is badly messed up and severely out of place, but it can be treated, and if it is treated soon, degeneration can be prevented. Think of the years of pain while the NHS called me psychosomatic. Idiots. Good thing I think for myself.
I was surprised he seemed keen to move on to the lower back x-rays.

Because my lower back is broken.

Yes, there was an ominous black gap in the x-rays where the bones fractured, and because it wasn't treated at the time, it didn't mend, and it is too late for the bones to knit now.
I don't blame them, knitting is hard work, lots of church ladies have made me do knitting.

I am lucky the bones haven't slipped and caught the spinal cord, which is intact, as you have probably guessed. The bones can and could slip and start pinching the spinal cord, as it is, they are stable but the fracture has pushed the spine over out of place quite badly, not as bad as the neck is out of alignment but, bad. It explains the stiffness and stagger when I have been sitting, the idiot NHS tried to tell me nothing was wrong.

Anyway, thankfully it will not stop my work, they said I should be careful with lifting and bending, and with regards exercise I should avoid situps, crunches, squats and pushups. I don't mind that at all :)

The treatment they can offer is shockwave and lazer treatment on the neck and lower back, to encourage the spine back into place and encourage what healing it can do. The bones can't mend, but treatment will help put the spine in place.
My neck is severely out of alingment and that is putting stress on the facet joints at the moment, hence the pain.
Long term, both sites can cause degeneration of discs as well as continuing to irritate nerves, muscles and bones, as they do. So treatment would be good before any deterioration sets in.

The only problem is, the cost.

The other thing is, they focussed on the neck and lower back as those are the main problems. I am interested to know if they can look at other areas now.

But at least now I know, and now I can be careful so that the fractured bones don't slide.

Anyway. I came home, well looked after by assisted travel. Lovely peaceful journey, headphones and book.

I got home in the evening, expecting to be tired and go to bed, but I was lively enough to finish my book, cook a meal and watch some television. Books should be bigger, Winter Solstice was 700 pages and it only lasted 4 days.

I did go to bed early, about 9.30, and slept soundly, waking without any real pain this morning - I wore my neck collar for all travel.
I am kind of tired, but lively, I am working on the farm this morning, it is a cold and frosty bright day out there.
I have an evening shift as well.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Another night of nightmares and another tired day. Rain, wind and misery.

I have been sorting through the remainder of my boxes and disposing, keeping, and doing a load to return to the lockup.

Nothing exciting to tell you.

Last night had a dead hour in the middle of the shift. I was reading 'Winter Solstice' which is one of my favourites. I never felt emotional reading it before, but I am too emotional at the moment and I felt like crying.
I had just got to the bit where Elfrida returns home and finds out that Gloria and Francesca are dead, and then the deliveries started to pick up.
I am now as far as the move to Scotland, reading in bites as I sort my things out and watching are you being served at the same time.

Tomorrow is results day, another long day out in London.

Dishwasher, heavy machine, hoover and return trip to the lockup before work, my shift doesn't start till 6 this evening.

Tuesday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Well yesterday I did the care home while it wasn't raining. There was waterlogging and standing water, so I did my best to clear that, and then I weeded and swept and dug.

In the evening I did a driving shift, which went OK apart from one wrong address label but I told them off and they were careful after that, and they made me a meal when the shift got quiet.

I had a troubled night of nightmares and flashbacks and being awake, which led to me being tired and struggling to wake this morning.

This morning I have done housework and laundry, got my bed linens washed and dried. And I got the last boxes to sort from the lockup.

I am just watching Are you being Served, as it is raining and I can't do much else.

I am working tonight, every night except one at the moment, and that is the day when I get my spine results.

There was a silver car outside with a tag on it and a man in a high viz jacket, I wonder if that is the damn police again? The church's pet mafia.

Monday

Good morning peeps,

It is a grey and damp day.

Yesterday I got called in to work.

I worked a steady shift, no problems, even though it was raining.

I came home and went to bed, but I had nightmares, I woke up shouting in distress at one point.

Oh, the sun has come out, I wonder if I can go and do some work.

I am doing a driving shift this evening.

I am going to do some sorting out of possessions and taking un-needed stuff to the lockup as well.

I am having flashbacks, unresolved terrible things that the church have done.

Sunday

Hey peeps,

It's snowing, but too wet to be of much use yet. It is cold.
I went down to the sea earlier but it was raining.

Anyway.

Yesterday I was lucky, I only took two pain relief pills at lunchtime and didn't need any more.

I did some writing and some lazing around and then I did three loads of washing, my clothes and a load of towels, mats, robes, out of storage, as they smelled a bit rodentey, I bagged the bits from storage that I didn't want up for the clothing bank, then I trotted round to see the new local laundry which I don't know, and I was happy that there was parking and it wasn't busy, just a few other quiet people also tumble drying their knickers.

I got a big dryer for my washing and I sat and read a book quietly and was glad that there was no scramble for machines as there sometimes is in those places.

I came home and continued to write and laze about and watch movies. And then just as I got my supper, the phone rang, it was work, one driver with flu and another with a broken car.
So of I went, and worked a good shift.

I got home and fell into bed.

I slept but my dreams were disruptive, and I woke at 6am and was awake, so I had tea, had more tea, had some tea, and washed that down with some tea and toast.

Then I went and looked at the grey and rainy sea.

Now I am watching 'Are you being Served' (I know I am a creature of habit, but someone with autism can indeed watch the same things over and over and never get tired of them).
I am also doing writing work, not writing, but the work I need to grow up and do if I want to be a successful author, which includes learning good technique, and learning about marketing, pitching letters and proper editing. Well actually right now I am doing a long bullet point list of prompts for short stories and good techniques for writing them, that kind of thing.

It will rain all day and I will have a very quiet day unless I am called into work this evening, which I might be. I could do some more sorting of my things. I have only one unsorted box in the lockup and one in the car -mainly books. The barn just has the keyboard and chairs now. The lockup is mainly empty boxes and paperwork and receipts that I don't need at the moment. I am supposed to keep all receipts in case HMRC want to view them.

Ooh, it is less than a week until I have a week at the farm, I am staying there while I look after the farm, and it is a writer's paradise.

Saturday

Good morning peeps,

Did you wonder where I went?
Ah, I wandered off. Been to London. Sudden appointment came up.

Anyway, on Wednesday I helped out at the community gardens and did an evening shift, and on Thursday I did the care home.

Yesterday was an epic day though.

I was given a short notice appointment for scans in London.

So yesterday morning I was up at 3am, it was meant to be 4.30 but I woke at 3 and decided it was best to get up. Those who know me know I need a lot of sleep and as little stress and change of routine as possible, so you know I am sitting in bed and medded up right now :)

Anyway, it wasn't such a bad thing being up so early as I had plenty to do before setting off, it just meant a fearfully long and stressful day.

So I got my breakfast and tea and a wash, I had showered the previous evening due to not planning on having time in the morning.
And I made sure I had everything on my little list, and  then I was off.

I drove Max down to near where I work, a few miles away, near the terminal. There is unregulated parking near the place I work there, it's an advantage knowing that but I hate leaving Max all day, I worry.
Anyway, from there I walked to the terminal in the biting wind, I told the wind that biting is wrong but it ignored me. The sea was a far tide but lively.

I was in good time for the next leg of my journey. And I had with me a new book, a writing book, to read eagerly.

Then that leg was over and it was still so dark and early.

I got to the coach terminal and there was a coach in but not mine. I get booked on assisted travel, which helps a lot, but it means I can't change to an earlier coach, so I had to wait and drink tea.

Eventually I was on my coach, reading my new book as the coach sped steadily to London. It's a long way but actually I seem to travel better on coach with assisted travel than on the train. I mean I recover better from coach travel than train. Any new readers, I get very ill from the impact of travel.

When I got to London I panicked slightly about finding my way to the place where I was to be scanned. But I was fine.

I got there and they were all so nice.

I did my forms, and then they did the physical assessment. Quite thorough. I yelped when she did something with my neck, I knew that would set it off. I told her so. She was very nice and careful.
When she had finished the assessment she went and got a man in a blue shirt, and he sat and talked to me and asked more questions. And he showed me spine pictures and he showed me four neck pictures, a good neck, a very bad neck and two in between. He said my neck won't be the good neck or the very bad neck, but one in between.

Then it was x-ray time. A different man did the x-rays. He told me that the level of radiation was low, it was like 5 or 6 hours in the sun, and then he grinned and said 'You spend a lot of time in the sun anyway'.

I had to take some of my things off and put an x-ray gown on. I want my own x-ray gown, they are dead funny.

They did neck x-rays first, including one that they call the 'funny' x-ray, because you have to open your mouth for it.

The neck x-rays went well, but they with the lower spine, the machine started playing up. When the man said 'oh, no' and went out of the room, I was sure it was the machine and not the state of my spine. It was the machine, it was having problems, so another man came in and re-set the machine and took over the x-rays.

The x-rays all got done. And I get the results of the whole consultation soon, I have to go back and discuss the results and see what can be done.

While the machine was blipping I glanced at the x-rays. My neck doesn't look wonderful, I am sure it shouldn't look like that. I am not versed in x-rayology but I know that aint a normal neck.

Anyway, then I was heading home after arranging a results session.

I hadn't cancelled my evening shift due to the short notice of the London appointment.

When I got on the coach, my neck decided it was going to start complaining about being handled, so I put my collar on, took painkillers and squash, and dozed off.

I must have slept for a large part of the journey, because next thing I knew, one of the co-drivers was phoning the police to report a crash on the opposite carriageway.

I stayed awake then, and we were on time which is good when you have tickets for the next leg that can't be changed.
There was another accident, quite a bad one, further on, but we got through.

The man at the kiosk asked why I was wearing my collar now when I wasn't this morning, and I told him about the neck injury and the assessment. He is the same man who was there years ago when I was a rough sleeper.

And then onto the next leg of the journey and finally the walk in the light snow, to collect Max.

And then I was off to work.

I got to work, they were on the phone and handed me a delivery without looking up. Unfortunately it was a cash order and I had no change and no float, so I thought that was a bad start. I had to tell the lady I would be back with her change, and she trusted me. So that was OK. But it got better, I was on all the long distance runs after that, and because I was tired, the boss said I could finish early, which was sensible. Driving needs concentration and alertness and I was pushing the boundaries by working after a day like that. Although, saying that, I didn't feel significantly sleepy or anything. Which surprised me.

I got home early and went to bed. The landlady's daughter and her friend were there but they were certainly not being a problem.

And to my surprise I woke at about 7.30 this morning, certainly in pain but lively and not feeling too terrible considering.

I am medded, fed, and sitting in bed, thinking about a shower before the girls get up and hog it.

Wednesday

Good morning peeps,

It was snowing and doing all sorts of wet and cold weather last night, very rude.
Last night I only went to the supermarket, and I got cold and wet.

But at least when I got home I slept through the night, with no memorable dreams.

This morning the sun is shining loudly and it is still cold with frost but no snow, the wind is going to be strong when I go to work this evening.

Yesterday I finally managed to collect my new glasses, it has only been two or three months.

Then I went to see what the welfare had for me to eat, which was quite a good selection.
But while I was there, the person in charge of the community gardens saw me and there was no escape.
She borrowed me for coffee, and coffee became coffee and donuts and then two more people joined us, and the conversation became complex, money, history, mythology, Cornish myths and coastline, and more, and by that time it was lunchtime, and they kept me for lunch, it was a nice lunch too.

But I didn't get away lightly, I was promised to return today to help in the garden and do crafts. I will see how I do, because I was meant to be gardening for the care home yesterday and I was only there briefly as a result, so I will have to go back, and I have an evening shift tonight as well. At the care home yesterday, all I did was shift the dead Christmas Tree and unblock a drain and clear the standing water. And I did a litterpick, all the rubbish off the park and street blows onto the care home grounds.

I may leave the care home for tomorrow or Friday. Yeah, if I just help at the community gardens and do an evening shift, that will do today.
I have to go and collect the new heavy machine for my neck later. Yipee.

Tuesday

Good morning peeps,

I am tired and I feel like I was hit by a brick.
I do know what being hit by a brick feels like by the way.

Last night I worked a steady shift, I was supposed to finish early but the other driver had an ill daughter so I stayed on. It was an easy shift apart from the satnav trying to send me through a  barrier, and when I went the other way round there were emergency services blocking the road so I had to park and walk up.
Apart from that it was all good, and when I finished I went shopping, I run low on things at the weekend now as I don't have any work between Saturday morning and Monday evening and I live hand to mouth.

Unfortunately when I got home I found that my landlady had moved her daughter in without warning as her daughter had split up with her partner.
So the daughter was on the sofa telling someone all about it on the computer, quite loudly, late, when I was exhausted and needed bed, and the landlady was also staying.
So I wasn't sure what to do, still am not, I only just got here, what now? Well I still haven't changed my status from homeless anyway, I can't really safely settle after the horrific actions of the police and church.

But anyway, I put earplugs in and fell into bed and slept.

I woke early, 5.45 and drank tea in the dark and went to the beach. It was raining, the sun is shining now but if I go gardening, it will probably rain again.

I am so tired, and my heart is doing the racing and skipping thing, the one my mate in Jersey says is dangerous. It hasn't done much of that since 2013, during the height of the church smear campaign my heart raced a lot, the ECG at St. Georges showed a repeat blip but the painful heart exam that I forget the name of, didn't show anything.
Previous to that I was unexpectedly rushed to hospital with my heart not beating properly, I hadn't known it wasn't beating properly until a first aider told me. The hospital said the ECG was wrong and it was either a heart murmer or a reaction to something, but in true NHS style, nothing got done. No wonder the NHS kill so many people, idiots.

Anyway, never mind all that.

I did get my DLA today, I don't know what they are playing at, but it meant I could order a new heavy machine for my neck, which will be a blessed relief, I am in so much discomfort, the new machine arrives tomorrow and I will beat the hell out of my neck with it. I can't phsyically release the tension from the injuries myself and I absolutely hate physical contact even from myself, haha, I do not like pressing the muscles to release them, the machine does an excellent job, as long as it doesn't break.

Right, I guess I had better make a token effort to work. Hedge trim, winter prune fruit trees, dig aimlessly at some ground, sweep a few leaves.

I have hoovered the whole flat this morning, yesterday I did bins and laundry, everything is clean and tidy, but I don't know what the future is now.

Monday

Good morning peeps,

It is raining and howling, the sea and sky and hills and town are just grey.

I hoped to sleep better after having Airplane! on DVD up to bed time, I hoped I felt safer, but although I slept slightly better, I still had nightmares.

But I had nightmares about the church's police, the ones who attacked my home the other year. I dreamed they got me and were trying to have me put away as mad. I was so angry and scared.

The problem is, I woke up no less angry or scared, because it is a reality that the police keep acting for the church and keep making me out to be mad.

I reminded the police of my complaint this morning, but they will ignore me, they always do. My initial complaint to them after the seige of my home the other year simply led to repeat attacks and jeers.

This is what I sent to the police, from my book 'Fugitive' which I am working on.

Fugitive, hated, unwanted, you wake from nightmares again, and there is no comfort, nowhere to turn for help, and your thoughts are like wounds.

Waking from nightmares there is no-one there, everyone who used to be there was taken or has gone.

Condemned without a voice to answer the condemnation, as if there can only be one side of things, the condemnation.

In the nightmares they say that you are mad, try to put you away, so that their wrongdoing never comes to light, you are branded, for life.

When you wake, there is no comfort, because there is no safety.

Every day I chatter aimlessly about what I am doing, but the reality of my life is that paragraph from Fugitive. 

I can't do much in this bad weather and I don't even feel like writing, I will do my best to write, and I will do an evening shift tonight.

Please excuse the daft stories on this blog and the other yesterday, it cheered me up.

Sunday

Hey peeps,

The funny stories are mainly on the other blog, there is one on here.

I am feeling sleeping and being in pyjamas, because I laughed so much that I cried and it made me tired.
I accidentally stumbled upon that funny story generator that makes awesome spoofs.

Anyway, yesterday I worked in the garden until it got dark and I was tired, so I had a shower and put pyjamas on and watched Short Circuit while I wrote.
I am still very slow with this piece I am writing, I am on 1,500.

Today was a quiet day, I did very little except housework and sorting out invoices and writing, and watching things on television, including Mel and Joey.

At some point I decided I could bear any more bad tea, so I went to the big supermarket and got descaler and sugar. Candarel and a very scaled up kettle meant tea tasted foul. I don't mean to use sugar, but I will have to find something better than candarel as it is foul.
The kettle is descaled and tea is sweet again.

I had an hour-long walk on the bay this evening, very peaceful. But I am at a loss, I still haven't worked out how life works now. The bad experiences of last year have profoundly affected me and winter is a difficult time for a gardener, especially one who is also a struggling writer. Although I get plenty of space and time to write now, trauma makes it more difficult.

Anyway, I did the most delicious jacket potatos at lunch, and the most boring beans on toast for tea.

I am making good progress with sorting my things out, I have just two boxes in the store to bring home and sort, and one at the farm.
I have airplane on in the bedroom on DVD, the lounge TV has lost signal for some reason, but I thought I wonder if it will help me to settle and sleep at night if I have my Lesley Neilsen videos on at bed time, or 'Are you being Served', something familiar and safe but which roots back to the walk in the dark in Jersey, which remains the root of my fear of sleep and night.

The weather looks bad tomorrow, so I may stay in and write. I will do an evening shift.

I have the farm for a week in two weeks time while they are away, and they said I can stay at the farm if I like, which I do, I love being up there.

Oh everyone has been emailing me recently, lots of nice people, thank you nice people, it is good to hear from everyone.

Denver Elle,

I wish that was you landing on my blog from Colerado, maybe it is your ghost.

The Church went on destroying me while you've been dead, and Bob collapsed defending my life.
And still the church didn't stop. They had to remove Bob Key but they pretended it wasn't what it was, and upheld him in the press and media, he ficticiously went to other positions in the church and never turned up in those positions. Probably because while he is in prison he can't really do church duties.

Last year they used a vicar and an organist who claimed to be survivors, to destroy me again and then yet another attempt against me with the police while macsas continued their age-old tradition of viciously destroying me on behalf of the church.

I am still here but the damage is bad.

But do read my funny stories.

JJ

Saturday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Yesterday was a strange old day. I didn't feel too well.
I started some gardening here and after an hour it was pouring with rain, so I came in and lay down as I felt so tired, and I slept for several hours with disturbed waking dreams.

I didn't eat, and I went to work in the evening having not eaten, and didn't realise until I got the shakes.

They got me some food at work, and it was tasty and I felt better. I ended up working a long shift again and getting home late and tired, I know it makes me too tired, but I am a disabled gardener in winter and I have to earn a living.

I had a slightly troubled night, I slept better but still not well, and I woke feeling unwell like yesterday, headache, sore throat etc. I must register myself as having media scare flu.
I am also still limping, and my neck is stiff, I need a new machine and I need physiotherapy. I have emailed the physiotherapist for an appointment.

I am also still having the winter chest infection problems, although it hasn't edged close to pneumonia since before Christmas, I took a strong course of meds then, and as soon as I finished, the fluid started coming back, so I have meds every morning to clear my lungs. Still, it isn't long until spring now.

I thought I was working tonight but I am not, I am only on the rota for weekdays now, so I am off until Monday.
I am going to do the garden here and maybe have a dog walk tomorrow, but apart from that I will try to rest, sort my things out, and write.

I went to town to the bank earlier, had breakfast in town as well, and then went to the bay. The sky is low and the Great Hill is glooming, but the waves are lively, there are kite surfers out.

Friday

Good morning peeps,

Last night I walked along the bay, the waves were crashing down and booming. But I can't make it like it used to be, before the church destroyed me.

I watched television for the first time in ages, Hollyoaks is still dragging out the pitiful Scott and Damon and Ryan and all the rest of them stories, hasn't anyone hinted to them that it is time for some fresh stories?

I had a really bad night's sleep, the same shallow sleep, discomfort and nightmares of recent times.
I gave up and got up at some point. I drank tea in the dark and went down to the sea.
Then I went to the gym to discuss starting training again. I don't want to, I see no point, but despite everything inflicted by the church, police and press, I go on trying to do what's best for me, which isn't an easy task when you are a fugitive and in poverty.

It is misty out there, or foggy, not as bad as the other night, and the sea is big and grey and near calm except for waves breaking on the sea wall.

Today I hope to unload some more stuff from the car, do some gardening here, and work an evening shift.

Oh I am doing some writing. I did a thousand words last night as I watched television.

Thursday

Good afternoon peeps,

Well last you heard from me, I was going bowling.
And it wasn't so traumatic that I stopped updating the blog, no it was a great evening and I am just lazy.

I started out bowling a bit clumsily, and thought it wasn't my day, but I improved, and by the end of the first game I was in the middle, with two behind me and two ahead.
In the second game I remembered how to bowl, and I took the lead and kept it, and stormed to a great win.
Not boasting peeps, I used to love bowling, but my ability is variable since I don't play often.
We had fun, and I had two pepsis, while the others drank and stayed on to drink, I didn't stay for drinks after the games.

Yesterday the scar tissue in my shoulder nagged me about bowling all day.

Yesterday I woke up to my landady rattling about the house, she went round the garden with me to get a list of things for me to do, and we found out we had both experienced the same bad dentist in the past, the one who gave me an ulcer that needed medical treatment had made a mess of taking her tooth out. She has a private dentist now and I have an excellent NHS one, who is as good as a private one.

In the afternoon I went to the farm, I collected some of my stuff from the barn, but I was also on farm duties, and it was my first dealing with the new poultry, they are a bit chaotic, but in the end I managed to get everyone fed and put away before going into town for my driving shift.

It was so quiet for the first 20 minutes that I sat in my car and read my annual.
Then it took off, and I ended up working quite late, but at least it earned me the money for the rent. My rent is weekly and I have been here a week.

I had more dreams about my family, and nightmares about the church and police, at the moment I am very distressed at night, I should be on 5HTP but that makes dreams more vivid and I am a bit scared of the side effects, the tight headache and the doziness.

Anyway.

I have no work at all today.

I went into town to the bank, and now I am cleaning the bathroom, I cooked chops as a late meal, and I have stuff to unload from the car, and other odds and ends to do. There is always housework.

Tuesday

Good morning peeps,

I am tired.

One of the main roads is closed, which is going to make it a difficult day for manouvers. How do you spell that? Manoovers?

Yesterday I went and did some tidying up in the care home before my evening shift, and that earned bme my petrol money. Money had run low where I was off work from Thursday to Monday, and the care home pays cash on the day in return for a hand-written invoice for my work.

Anyway, then I went into town, I was early for my shift and it was cold, so I sat and drank tea and read a 'Simpsons' annual, which is what I happened to have with me.

The shift was mainly quiet. When I started they had nothing ready, then there were three deliveries including two farms, and I thought 'uh-oh!' farms can be hard to find, even with postcodes, and if I started with three, was it going to stay that busy?
No, while I was doing those three, there were no messages, and when I got back, I had an hour of nothing, so I read my annual as best I could in the car light and street light, the print is so small in the Simpsons annuals.

The other deliveries of the night were just four more local ones, very easy. I worked a full shift but just 7 deliveries, it was a bit cold and boring, I got hot drinks and read my annual, but I didn't dare wrap up in a blanket in case I got sleepy.

After work, I went and did a major grocery shop, the move and lack of work and money meant I was nearly out of everything.

I came home and fell into bed tired.
I slept and I dreamed about my family, vivid but long ago dreams, my dad was alive and my brother was still young. The dreams were painful, sad, but very vivid, and as I write this, I am still waiting for them to wear off.

Today I have no work booked, no evening shift, a day off. I plan to wash the bed linens, wash my clothes, take it all to a laundry tumble dryer as I don't want damp clothes or a damp house, and then hopefully sort some of my things out at the lockup and here.
I also need to do some paperwork and things, and this evening I am supposed to be bowling with the gang.

Monday

Hey peeps,

I am tired.

This morning my landlady came round early because their shower is bust and she wanted a shower :)
So I woke up to the heating being on, which is rather warm for me. At least I slept reasonably well, I am managing without my machine for now, but I must replace it before the gardening season kicks in and pain increases.

It is a cold grey day here.

I haven't felt very lively, so all I have done is some writing, some cooking and some housework. I was hoping to get some work done at the care home before my evening shift, but I don't know now. I need petrol money, I am down to a few pounds.

The sea is grey, the sky is grey, life is grey.

I hope it gets better. I am hoping to go bowling with the gang tomorrow night, lets see if I actually do! :) you know me, they will be placing bets on whether I cancel.

I was watching Titanic on the laptop last night as I wrote, and Big Bang Theory was on TV, and then Titanic came on TV, so I switched it off on the laptop and watched it on TV.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

The blog is statting up so I guess I had better be polite and update, even though there isn't much to say.
This terrifying disorientation remains, anxiety and depression, which triggers flashbacks.
To be honest being on the Great Ship bay doesn't thrill me, it reminds me of the years that the church were at the hight of their hate attack against me in the press and media. I would rather be back out in the district where I was, I felt more comfortable over there.

I did very little today, some writing, and finished reading 'Under the Dome'. watched a bit of TV, did some hoovering, looked at the sea, got some groceries. The sea was big waves, the wind has been howling.

I am really lost and ill at ease at the moment, it does happen, but I guess being on the bay is going to remind me of the height of the horror of the church destroying me.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

Well I have continued to be disorientated by the move and struggling. There seems to be too much time and space and nothing to do.
I guess the fact that Christmas is over, I am in a new home and am now off work until Monday is all part of it.

The sea has still been fierce but the storms have had a break. Over last week there were roads closed and sea walls breached and all sorts of things. I didn't do as I used to and be very interested in it all, no, part of me is still asleep because of the severe trauma of the church, which affects me every day and always will.

Anyway, I wandered up to the mail centre, I made them laugh because there was a letter to me from the house of commons and I made rude remarks about the Prime Minister being too clingy and always wanting me round for tea.

Apart from that I have been writing, and also reading 'Under the Dome' which I hope to finish tonight.

I also went to get groceries and petrol, and I went down to the bay a few times.

I feel disorientated and lost and frightened, I want company, although I am not making much effort to find it. I did go round to see my peeps at my old house as I accidentally took a key with me, and they made me tea and made me welcome, I will be staying in touch with them.

Friday

Hey peeps,

You can see the waves coming over the sea wall from here, which isn't great, because we are up the hill from the Great Ship Bay. When I drove along the seafront earlier, waves were coming over, but right now they are throwing themselves almost the height of the buildings down there. It is impressive, but we have had quite a bit of sea damage now. Similar to Jersey. Harhar.

Would be good If Jersey had a nice tidal wave, got rid of the nasty little politicians and clergy, so it could all be started again with a clean sheet. I am not supposed to say things like that, and I will have annoyed emails about it.

I hear that Jersey are trying to borrow the air bridge to get supplies in, I think that shouldn't be allowed until Jersey's corrupt dictatorship and nazi police force are dealt with, Jersey leeches off the UK enough while whimpering about being independent.



Anyway, as you know, I moved back to the Great Ship Bay yesterday.

It was a relatively easy move, but of course I got tired.

I couldn't get Max washed because of the high winds.

Settling in has been OK but I feel disorientated and at a bit of a loss.
I went up to my store to get things earlier, I have storage for my gardening tools here at the new place.
I went and briefly did some work at the care home, mainly clearing leaves and storm damage.

And here I am. I have been down to the bay a few times last night and today. I have also been reading 'Under the Dome' which is keeping me occupied and calm, and I am sitting here in the lounge, with the panoramic views, and writing this, and reading 'under the dome' and the local paper, I don't know which is worse.

Last night I had nightmares and got too hot, but I was more comfortable than I have been for a while.

Lots going on in the background but nothing to tell you at the moment.

The weather has mainly been bad, but at the moment the skies are clear and the sun is shining.

Thursday Early Morning

Good morning peeps,

Well it is early, and the wind is being windy still, when it was scheduled for a break, tell it off.

The sea will be nice later, what was I told about surfing in my car?

Anyway.

I slept through the night, although the dreams turned to flashbacks as I woke, sometimes the grim reality of being a fugitive with no access to medical help and branded and in fear of the police becomes overwhelming, and it can never be put right, it was shocking of Jane Dodds to whimper about the church not meaning to hurt me and how she and Graham Tilby wanted to 'make everything like it was before'. What the Church of England do and say is indescribably evil and deluded.

Anyway, on a brighter note, I slept through the night, reasonably comfortably, not needing treatment this morning, which is good because the heavy machine has broken and they cost a bit to replace!

And today I move back to a home with views of the bay. It feels strange, scary, and 'wobbly' as my old counsellor used to say.

I am tired now as I was up by six and I worked a full shift last night, a steady shift but with some long runs to rural properties, no glitches in finding anywhere though, and the weather was better.

Looking at the local forecast, the wind was due to drop, but now it is galeforce all morning.

I have had my shower and breakfast and packed my kitchen and bathroom stuff. My peeps here seem a bit emotional, dunno why. Ha, probably imagining it.

Just got to watch films, and later I will pack the car and head off, no hurry, loads of time.

I forgot to say, I did stay up for the new year fireworks, as usual I watched the London ones while the local ones were going off outside. I hate the music they play with the London fireworks, it is always too loud and totally trashy, it reminds me of the old days at North Walls, when they used to play Handel's Fireworks music too loud and most people didn't even know what the music was. Back then they used to mess us about keeping us waiting for the fireworks.
Hey, they still do, it's a tradition.

Wednesday

Hey peeps,

Demob happy but tired. The weather evened out for a peaceful evening.

The blog stats have shot up. Why? What are the bar-stewards doing now?

Well here we are.

Last night I slept badly again, but got up and wasn't sleepy today.

I did the washing.

Watched films, and watched as the battering storms burned themselves out.

We had some storm damage and trees down locally, but nothing remarkable.

Well I have a few days off after a long run of stressful work, those who don't keep up, this is my winter work, delivery driving in the evenings.

I have worked and worked and got so tense and tired, but tomorrow I move house, and I have a few evenings off.

Tomorrow Max is having a thorough wash, he has worked hard in the bad weather without a wash for weeks. He is mucky.

The move is a simple one, looking stress free at the moment, hopefully it will be.

Just watching the end of The Green Mile again, and wishing I didn't identify with John Coffey's words so much.

' I'm tired of this world and people being ugly, you will be doing me a kindness'.

etc.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

I had a rather stressful shift last night and the stress carried over, I had a restless night and terrible flashbacks.

I am tired, but I am due at work in a few hours and I don't want to sleep in case I oversleep.

This stormy weather is already coming in. It just seems to have been ages of wind and rain now, it gets tiring.

Today I went to the farm and took a load of stuff to the tip and charity shop, I am almost done getting rid of stuff, to be honest when it is all done, I will have nothing in the barn, and my small lockup won't be completely full. I am quite pleased how it has gone. And the system at the tip is much easier to understand now, so I can cope with it, they used to be mental up there.
The charity shop seemed happy with the good quality books that they got.

I came home and had jacket potato for my lunch and now I am trying to relax before work, this seems to be how my days go. I wish I was moved and the gardening work could re-start and I could have more days off.
Hopefully Thursday will bring all these things. New home, a proper shift rota for the evening work, a few days off, and next week if the weather is better, I will start booking gardens in, I have the care home, a new garden, and two regulars ready to book in.

Earlier I did shopping too, toiletries, coffee, peanut butter, and the obligatory 'Thank you' cards for the people who made Christmas special.

New Year's Day

Good morning peeps,

I have had the laziest morning ever, mainly spent in bed or watching Mr Stink, again.

This morning the weather was wild and I woke up from vivid dreams and forgot them.

I got up very slowly and lazily, didn't have breakfast until midday, saves on one meal but not a good idea.

The sun is shining and today is set to be better weather now.

I woke up in some pain, I can't support my head very well and the driving shifts in the evening tense me up. So I have to do the heavy machine a few times a day at the moment.

I will take the dog for a walk, but not much else before work. A quiet day. Maybe some Nanny McPhee to liven it up.

I am not getting much writing done despite my plans for the holidays to be about writing.

I still haven't got the courage or energy to do the Year 2017 thingy. Years have only gone downhill while the church have been destroying me.

Did you know, that Korris creep who kicked off the church's public destruction of me and hasn't been done for harassment or removed from working with the vulnerable or counselling, spams my blog every time she is mentioned. Sad or what?