Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Wednesday, 9 March 2016

Wednesday 4.15am

Good morning peeps,

Well the wind is blowing the rain against the windows.

I went to bed early but have had a troubled  night. It is rare for me to be up at 4am these days, I left that behind in my last life.

I wasn't sleeping well and when I woke a few hours ago, I was tense, my jaw was hurting which means I was clenching or grinding, but I couldn't get back to sleep even with the bite guard in.

The problem with waking or half-waking in the night is that it can start flashbacks because my mind isn't fully conscious and only knows I am distressed and so it runs through everything I might be distressed about.
I can assure you it isn't fun, and if I don't sink into deeper sleep and can wake enough to get up, then that is the only way out.
The problem with night time flashbacks is they are very hard to record because they fade out suddenly and especially when I am awake I am only vaguely aware of what they were. I am not sure how conscious people are in flashbacks, that is why I had to be careful with driving. But I can usually be steady through daytime flashbacks but night time ones are much worse. This used to worry the psychologist, especially as I used to get trapped between sleeping and waking, well actually that is what has happened this morning.

The problem with being awake at this time is that I have a medicines parcel due today so I need to be awake later, and I have a tutorial this evening too. But I will be wrecked if I don't sleep for a few hours, and I daren't risk more disrupted nights.

I am unlikely to get distribution work done in this weather, which is due to last all day.

Disrupted sleep is another pointer to relapse, so disrupted sleep and losing grip and dropping things, the next phase is exhaustion and possibly pain.

I must get more sponsors for the walk, if you want to sponsor me, send loads of dollars.

Guernsey, get off my blog, you know I hate it!


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