Tuesday Afternoon 31st December

It is pouring with rain.
I am lying on my bed, drinking tea and feeling a bit tired.

I have just been to lunch with my friend and she said that she and her husband will pick me up later and I can stay over with them. Just to help me chill out. :) chill like a penguin.
I am not sure how to persuade my subconscious that I am safe in a house and that noise does not mean I am in a police cell.
I guess therapy or even a bit of justice and truth about the way I have been treated would help, but at the moment, both seem impossible.
I only have ratty old teabags left, so I am using two per cup.

It is such a pity how, after doing so well for 9 days or so, I freaked, but, unsurprising, it was building up, and I need to find out how to stop that happening.
The streets still call to me as well.

Tuesday 1am

Yes, well, we are not having such a good night.
The flashbacks, nightmares and depression associated with indoors, along with anxiety and fear of the diocese and their police, have been building rapidly, and tonight, woken by innocent harmless noise as I was falling asleep, I freaked out, grabbed blankets, fled the house into the lovely big dark safe outdoors, I was deeply longing to just go out into the night and sleep in some quiet corner.
But that is not quite how life works, so after sitting in McD's with dreadful emotions raining down on me and feeling very ashamed at my reaction, I came back, I think I have caused a bit of a stir here by fleeing, and it needs to be sorted out in the morning.
I long for the deep peace and safety of the streets, but life can't always be what we want, I may have to return to the streets if we can't work this out, I am so scared of noise indoors at night and people, so terrified, that it is going to be hard to keep me indoors. :(
If only therapy brought quicker results and if only I could afford my therapy :(
I have sent the SOS out to my friends for tomorrow, and we will just have to see what we can do.

Monday Evening

I have been mainly just sitting or lying here, resting, watching films, doing computer stuff.
Sadly I have been having a lot of flashbacks, this is what living indoors does, if I was to go out and sleep on the streets I would feel considerable relief, and I am recovering again from the M.E. so technically I could go back on the streets, and will do if the Church of England harm me again, but I will try for as long as I can to grit my teeth and stay here.

It is funny how the church of england ignored my distress and violently destroyed me for it, and yet they have left all the wrongdoers unreprimanded, absolved and in church positions, free to do it again, this is the Church of England, and thus, not even remotely acting as Christians, they no longer have a place in society, the church of england is a danger to vulnerable people as, not only do they harbour abusers but they are so out of touch with how things are for poor and disabled and vulnerable people that they are a danger to them, which is highlighted by the damage they have inflicted on me.

Walking is painful, I need physio, but I can hardly afford milk and butter, never mind phys.

Monday 30th afternoon

Good afternoon.
Well I was good, I went up and got a cuppa and a chat and my letters and parcel.

The parcel contained socks, gloves and three cards, thank you Canada.

I then took my washing to the launderette, I did both the wash and the dry there, instead of waiting for the washing machine here.

So my washing is clean and dry. I got milk and bread and pizza on the way home, and by the time I got home I was ravenous and cooked the pizza as it was gone 3pm and I had had no lunch.

I am running short of money, could have done without the laundry fees, but I needed clean clothes and I needed everything dry because otherwise I end up with a damp room and damp towels that never dry, unhygenic.

I am home and watching Alice in Wonderland while I wait for Mary Poppins to start.

I have had good messages from the charity, we raised a fantastic sum, and my tin did really well, no wonder it was so heavy. I had to keep moving it from hand to hand.

I think I will have to venture into the cupboard later and sort it out, I need to hang up all my new coats, I am a bit worried about that cupboard, you may need to send a search party after me.

I managed to catch the elusive one and tell him I am worried about the bathroom ceiling, but he says it's ok and he knows it isn't me, it was someone else's fault.

Monday 30th, morning

Stalkerstat is going mad catching up, Sunday is a bad day isn't it?

Good morning,

Last night I had real difficulty getting to sleep, I was lying there for hours.
Eventually I slept and this morning was in stupor with nightmares into flashbacks as I woke, not fun :(

I got up slowly, well, I have only just had my breakfast and am going to shower soon, but the weather is terrible, so that is my excuse.
When I went in the kitchen, the dog and the cat both wanted a fuss, so I was stroking one with one hand and patting the other with the other hand. at least I was wearing my old jeans so dog drool doesn't matter, and the fish don't need patting, they just swim and look pretty, I am very fond of fish, I can end up watching them for a long time.

I still have to do my washing and go and collect the post :( waiting for the washing machine.

Jersey http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0G1Ucw5HDg

Sunday 29th Evening

Good evening,
I am happy to welcome the new readers, but kind of missing my stalkerstat at the moment, they usually check in every few hours, thirsty for details of what I am eating and wearing :)

Well, this afternoon I did a few errands, checked prices for drying clothes at the launderette, checked money, got rid of the rubbish, shopped for loo roll and milk.

Then I had a walk and ended up at church.

Church was good, all the gang was there, and they had deduced that I didn't go this morning because of the crowds. I felt slightly sad because my friend said they had expected me to be around and had set a place for me at lunch, whereas I was here doing my domestic tasks and I did spicy instant noodles for my lunch.
But they respected my space, which is an excellent sign, because as long as plenty of space is had, then I don't freak out.

anyway,, church was lovely, and then there was tea and coffee afterwards, and lots of chatting.
Then I got a lift home, swiped the hoover and hoovered while the kettle was on for hot water bottle and tea.

Then I did some fish pie, because despite the time, I shouldn't go to bed empty, sleep is hard enough as it is, and I put my microwavable cat hot water bottle in the microwave, it is not really a hot water bottle, it is a hot thing to heat up. It has lavender and chamomile in it to calm me down, and I need calming down, I am so very tense here, especially at night, terrified as the past sweeps over me repeatedly and feeling very vulnerable to the church and police, and in contrast, I am delighted with this place, I do not love it or feel attachment, because I know it can be smithereened by the diocese, who can wipe out my life and friendships in an instant, as they repeatedly have, but I am trying to live each hour, each day at a time. and having lists and tasks to complete helps.

Tomorrow my tasks are to put my clothes and towels in the wash and then take them to the laundarette to dry them in the dryer there as they simply do not dry properly in here and the weather is bad.
My other task tomorrow is to arrange to collect my parcel that came from Canada and my letters. I do not much like these tasks but I must do them.

Remind the Church of England  //www.youtube.com/watch?v=YiUQE5bJKFU

Sunday 29th, lunchtime

I have just watched part of 'Goodnight Mr. Tom' which is an awesome excellent film, I have also been good and done tidying and cleaning and cleaned the bathroom and made the bed and wiped the surfaces, I just need to put the laundry on and hoover up. :) And then, if this glorious weather continues, I will have a walk and go to church this evening.

Has anyone seen the Sky Advert with Corbiere and Jersey Government in it? :)

Sunday 29th, morning

Good morning,
Well, I am not at church this morning, as you can tell.
It would have been a very crowded special service at church this morning and I am tired, last night was a second night of very bad dreams and tensions. So I am resting and leaving church until this evening.
It feels a bit funny and norty not to go to church, but I do this sometimes. It is so much different from 2011 and early 2012 when church made me ill so I often didn't go.
I can always go to vigil mass or early communion but I was too tired last night and this morning.

I am wrapped in my duvet eating Christmas cake icing, how norty.

I think being indoors bring the terrible realities back, whereas being out on the streets is like being dead, so now I get nightmares and flashbacks.

Last nights dreams included my family and the Diocese of Winchester.

Some of it was bizarre, I dreamed I was working for Bishop Tim on a 'country estate' only the country estate was in Southampton, by St. Mary's football stadium (where the morons flock and cause chaos at weekends) but anyway, it was a real old farm place and there was so much that needed doing. Bizarre.
If Bishop Tim owns such a place, he is welcome to employ me, I need work.

Saturday 28th Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well this morning I dozed off again at 5am, and managed to stay out of the stupor as the alarm clocks started yelling at 6am, so my doze remained light until nearly 8am, when I shot out of bed and had a shower and some tea and hurried off to the work I was to do.

I was on street collection again, and everyone was nice and it went well, a bit hard on my legs, but worse was when I started having flashbacks about Jersey Police, you can't tell people who are being nice and giving you money that you are having flashbacks to the police treating you badly for your abuser, so you have to try and override the flashbacks and keep smiling, even though inside you there is hopelessness that nothing can heal because the wrongdoing is covered up and there will never be justice and you are branded for life.

How can I go back to work when either physical or non-physical problems disqualify me from most work and the criminal record that omits my side of things disqualifies me from the rest?
When will Hampshire Constabulary take my complaints against the Diocese seriously and give them a record to even things out a bit?

I am exhausted.

Gotta add a little Diocese song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J-4gAetwNkw

I am watching Daryl, and wondering why the Bishops are going mad with my blog? :)

Early morning Saturday 28th December

I was having violent nightmares and woke up very shocked at nearly 3am, I couldn't calm down or get comfortable, so I have been sitting here, I can't even write any historic blog.
I am warm, but tense, and it is the tension at night that is affecting my sleep.
I hope that after a bit of work this morning for the charity, and being tired, I will sleep better tonight.
At least there is tea on tap here, while on the streets it depended on fuel for the stove and the weather at this time of morning.

More songs of the Diocese http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9omIsBFZUc

and  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ghGuw6E7Vfg

December 27th evening

Good evening,
Well I dragged myself out for an outing, I am OK, once I am out, I just get frightened of being out, and when it is time to come home, I am scared of coming home, can't win.

Anyway, I went out, went and did some shopping, got a laundry basket, a calender, a candle, mouthwash and coat hangers. More nails in the coffin, domestic bliss, further away from my beloved streets.

Anyway, I stayed out and had a nosey poke around, and eventually came home and saw the end of ChittyChitty Bang Bang, and now the Vicar of Dibley Christmas one is on again.

I have actually cut my little Christmas cake, and it is quite edible. The only thing missing from this Christmas in the end was my pink hat.

I must sort out my bed time routine to try and get me settled, and I must try to grab Suzy CatCat in the morning if I end up in that stupor again, because I need to get up and go to the charity shift.
That kind of stupor with vivid waking dreams is quite distressing, it comes from trauma, my sister gets them too, and I used to have a lot of them in 2011 and early 2012.

Shopping lists:

• eye drops - cos indoors is making my eyes dry
• shower gel and shampoo
• trousers
• little fan heater cos it is colder in a cold house than moving about on the streets or in a blanket pile
• printer
• lots of things

I have got a lot of new things recently, domestic posessions, I missed out of my list of presents that I got a microwavable hot water bottle cat that has lavender and chamomile in it. 

I feel better for having shared that Jersey Christmas post on the other blog, it wounded me for ages and I couldn't tell anyone.  

And here is one for Bishop Jane Fisher and her diocese who stick to me like glue, with Tim Dakin doing the hoovering 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-Zo4AVL7AE

December 27th Afternoon

Don't worry, the number of posts will reduce after Christmas.
I have managed a historic post on the other blog, and am drinking coffee and watching films.

I should go out, I have to be careful with indoors because the agoraphobia can outweigh the claustrophobia and I can be afraid of going out.

Thankfully the charity have asked me to do a a shift tomorrow morning :) It all helps me to focus.

December 27th, morning

Good morning,
Well, I slept, but it was a tough, disturbed sleep, and in the last few hours I was trapped in a stupor with disturbing dreams, I know this is trauma, but it is awful, it wouldn't be so bad if I was outdoors.
I have to be careful because indoors, depression and flashbacks lurk, gotta keep an eye on it and make sure it doesn't get really bad.

Anyway, I got up, threw myself in the shower before I could wake up and protest, got all clean and dressed, picked up the room, cos rough sleepers always do their picking up in the morning.
Now here I am, watching 'The Parent Trap' cos it is fun.

I am trying to work out what my future is, I cannot return to my career as a gardener because my legs and spine are too bad now, and I do not know what I can do that does not involve standing still or having to interact a lot or do physical work, I am very limited, maybe if I work part time and earn enough for rent, food and therapy somehow? what can I do?

Boxing Day Evening

Good evening,
Well I got the bus out to my walk, I was a bit horrified by the flood and storm damage, I have been so busy in my little world, I didn't realise how bad it has been.

I walked quietly and peacefully for a while, got a mug of hot tea, and then wandered back, I stopped to get food and milk from a very quiet supermarket that had lots of stuff at reduced price because of Christmas.
Then I got the bus home. Very peaceful.

Boxing day, nearly 1pm

Well, unbelievably I fell asleep again after breakfast.
I am often tired in the morning and feel like sleeping again, but this is the first time I ever have.

I woke at nearly midday, and am still going through the usual routine of trying to get myself into the shower by the scruff of the neck.

There is still plenty of time to take a nice gentle walk though, I think I will do some bread and beans for lunch first.

Boxing Day 7.20am

Good morning,
I slept through the night, I was very tired and maybe the new pillow helped too.

I woke up in the quiet early morning, the room was glowing slightly as I left the tree lights and the nativity set light on, I woke feeling rested but woke from sad dreams to flashbacks about Jane Fisher and Bishop Scott-Joynt and their unchristian deciet of the police and court in Sussex, those things will haunt me forever, which is why I continue to ask God for my death.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I got up, made tea, and am sitting in bed with a 'Herbie' film on television, with the volume down, because I cannot stand noise in the early morning, I like it here because it is so quiet, I just have the soothing murmur of the aquarium to keep me safe during the night. :)

I think I will have a gentle walk with my stick today, if the weather allows, because I am not booked to eat ham anywhere today :) On Christmas eve my asthma was bad, but it seems ok now, so a gentle stroll along a favourite old walk sounds good.

The lady who runs the charity that I was doing street collection for last week phoned yesterday to say happy Christmas and that we raised a good sum of money, good, it is all payback.

humour

my stalker stat, are you exhausted from the busy day? I am missing you.


When I write bizarre things like that, the haters flock, because they want me to be seen as mad.
But actually I am assessed as free from serious mental illness, my bizarreness, is autism, crazy humour and behavioural disorder.

I actually know the person who I describe as my stalker stat here, and they read the blog very frequently and are most welcome, although they would probably be better off emailing me, reconciling, and getting my full story direct from me, instead of trying to block my side and turn away, it would help so much. I am glad to see them taking such an interest in the blog.

And here is my stalker stat, tired from church but back.

The Best Christmas

Good evening everyone,

One exhausted blogger here.

Well this morning, I managed to drag myself through the shower and into clothes, faffing and worrying about what would be best to wear for a day at someone else's house, but soon I was all smart and ready, and as usual I had been getting in a panic about time, anyway, I went to put some coffee and toast on for breakfast, and when I opened my door, I found a package outside my door, and it had my name on, it looked like a box of chocolates, and on further inspection, it was.
So I added it to my pile of Christmas goodies.

I started my walk to church, thinking I was running late when actually I was making good time, and then someone on their way to duties at church stopped and gave me a lift the rest of the way to church.
We got there early and found the Priest happily hoovering the carpet, so we laughed about that.
We said prayers, and I just felt all happy and peaceful, then everyone started to arrive, and I put the mince pies out ready for us to have with coffee after the service.
Then the gang arrived, and those who I would't spend the day with, because they gave the second invitation and I had to accept the first, gave me a bag of presents. I sat with them during the service, and we had a lovely service, and then a lovely coffee and chat afterwards, then it was time for the rest of the day.

It was a very busy house, and there was no room in the kitchen, so those of us surplus to requirements sat in the lounge and talked.
The kitchen sounded very busy.
Eventually we all sat down to lunch, at two tables as there were about 20 of us in all.

We didn't have turkey, funnily enough, we had gammon, and it was a delicious meal, I was sitting between someone I am used to, and a friendly young lad who was easy to talk to, so it was fine although we were a bit cramped.

We had great fun pulling crackers and joking about the jokes, and playing charades of course! I cannot do a charade and often I do not get them, but today I guessed a number of them! :)

After pudding and coffee, we all sat round and it was present opening time! This was indeed my first real Christmas for years. Everyone got presents, including me, and I had my bag of presents from the gang to open as well! :) wow! I had a real Christmas!

I got: A lamp, a tin of chocolate biscuits, a jacket, a bodywarmer, a microwavable hot water bottle, and some hot socks. I think those were very appropriate and helpful presents, and it was nice to see what the others got as well. Real Christmas after so many years.
I also got a lovely little glass nativity scene with glowing changing colours, that is a present and also a Christmas decoration for up here. And I was also given a proper orthapedic pillow by the gang, so my neck will be supported at night.

By about 5pm I was tired and sleepy so I was given a lift home.
The place is lit up with my tree lights, fairy lights, candle and beautiful nativity lit up in led changing colour lights.

This has indeed been my best Christmas for many years, one of my best Christmases ever and my first real Christmas for a long time. I told everyone so.

I hope to just relax over the holidays, watch some films and do some walking if the weather allows, before facing the grim realities of life in the New Year, where I may lose benefits, return to the streets, suffer further at the hands of the church or whatever, I pray it is not so, but, reality is that life doesn't magically come right with one magical Christmas, and in my life, good things usually happen before terrible things, and I am very vulnerable in being here, sorry to be gloomy.

Christmas Morning 7.45am

Good Morning, Merry Christmas.

Well I woke sleepily at 7.25am, the dog was barking, the alarm was buzzing, the weather was battering the house, and it was just getting light.
I do not know what was going on in my sleep, but my neck pillow had taken quite a leap across the room, and the lantern by my bed was on.
No sign of a stocking, well one stocking was on and the other had wandered. I was all muzzy headed and the dog kept barking.
At least I slept through from 2am. Maybe I will start sleeping now.

I got up and lit the candle and switched the fairy lights and the kettle and television on, and did a new hot water bottle and some tea.
I was worried I wouldn't wake to get to church and be with the gang this morning, but I am awake and sitting in bed drinking tea and watching television.

Happy Christmas! Today will be chaotic and noisy, thankfully it is only once a year! I am enjoying a bit of peace for a few hours before it all kicks off.

I have exciting things like showering, dressing and doing breakfast to do next.

ah, and a message came last night that Santa has dropped a parcel from Canada somewhere for me! Everyone's messages came through just before and after Midnight Mass! :) I will collect my parcel as soon as I can.

Christmas Morning 1.30am

Good Morning,
Jesus came into the world to die that we might be saved! :)

It is 1.30am, I just got back from Mass, and the kettle has just boiled.

I set out at 11pm, hoping that the weather would hold off, as we joked that I have been caught in every storm over the last few weeks.

A lot of people were out and about, going to and from celebrations or heading for Mass, Mass goers were heading to both churches, and the Anglican church was pealing joyful bells (show-offs!), I did consider going to the Anglican church, as there would be more space in there, but I went dutifully to my church, and wow, it was a squeeze, thankfully I got a seat, as I had walked down with my stick, as I cannot stand easily for long, but it was hard to concentrate as there were young people messing with their phones and fidgeting and talking.
Anyway, I escaped as soon as Mass was over, and walked home in the cold starry night.
Wow, beautiful.
I got home and the kitchen light had been left on for me, so I stroked the cat, shushed the dog, boiled the kettle, and when I have had a warm drink and a snack, I will do some heavy duty snoozing until time for church in the morning. :)

Merry Christmas and Good night/morning.

Christmas prayers and greetings

I will start my Christmas prayers and Christmas greetings by repeating my prayers from earlier.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind or storm damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
I pray for anyone who's Christmas is being spoiled by the weather.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

I pray for all who are going to find this Christmas difficult, especially those many people who are struggling financially and have found getting food difficult and getting presents for children and loved ones impossible, I pray for all who will feel sad and left out as they struggle while everyone else seems to be having fun. Amen

I pray for anyone who is alone, lonely or feeling left out this Christmas, I pray that they will be comforted and have hope and resolution for better times in future to buoy them up. amen

I pray for all vulnerable people, children and women in situations where they are abused and may be expecting the abuse to worsen during the Christmas Holidays, for their safety and an end to abuse, please Lord Jesus. Amen

I pray for those who are unwell or injured or dying and cannot enjoy the festive season, for comfort for them. Amen

I pray for any Children who are in poverty and cannot expect anything nice or any gifts or treats this Christmas, for their hope and welfare and for unexpected good surprises for them and for their families. Amen

I pray for warmth for those who are cold tonight, and for food for those who are hungry, shelter and outreach for those who are on the street, and safety for those in danger. Amen

I pray for all the young people out celebrating Christmas and New year at Parties, Pubs and Clubs, for their safety and welfare, and that they remember that it is not just about drinks and hangovers, that there is more to Christmas than that. Amen

Jesus, as we celebrate Your Birth, bring comfort to those in need, help to those in trouble, and bring hope and a future to those in despair. Saviour of the World, I ask this in Your Name. Amen.

Thank You Lord Jesus and Father God, for the way You have provided for me, in my years on the streets and in this homecoming, thank You for the courage, compassion and love that has brought me off the streets and home for Christmas, and providing for my every need this Christmas. Amen.

Lord I pray for my friends and family, those I see and those I no longer see, that they have a joyous Christmas and that emnity and tensions and worries are left behind as they celebrate.
Amen

I pray for everyone who has helped me and provided for me, and especially blessing for those who have been hurt by my traumatic reaction of anger and attachment disorder which causes a barrier between me and those who get too close, because I cannot trust and bond properly. I pray that my therapy can proceed in the New Year so that I can learn to respond well to love and care, and I pray healing for anyone who I have inadvertantly hurt.
Amen

I pray for my street brothers and sisters, especially those who have selflessly looked after me, sharing food and keeping me safe at night and keeping me company, bless all the precious and traumatized people who have to live on the streets or in inadequate or temporary accommodation.
Amen

I pray for anyone in Jersey who is struggling with injustice, illness, poor accommodation, money worries, loss of career or any other problem that is marring their Christmas. Amen

I pray a blessing on each and every person reading this blog, for whatever reason, those who know me, those who have found the blog by chance and those who have heard of it from various sources, I pray that you are blessed with a happy Christmas and New Year, no matter who you are. Amen

I pray for myself, that God can forgive my sins and especially my anger and irritation as the last 9 months have seen my life ripped apart by the actions of the Church of England.
I pray that I can find peace as the damage by the Diocese is so severe, and I am facing a bleak future as it is unlikely that I can stay on incapacity benefits after three years and am likely to be told to seek work, but the damage to my health by the Diocese means I am not fit for work, and so I am facing losing benefits and being unable to work, and thus not being able to afford my therapy, which is not available on the NHS. I would ask you to pray for me also. The damage by the Church of England to my life is always going to affect me, and I would ask God for my death, even though I am not mentally ill and will continue to make the best of life while God keeps me alive. Amen

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all my old and new friends, family, anyone reading the blogs, churches, Jersey bloggers and everyone.

Christmas Eve evening

Good evening,

Well, I am restless and anxious, staying up to go to Midnight Mass.
I am always anxious in the evenings as I am still very afraid of night times indoors.
I have hoovered, I have cleaned the bathroom, done all sorts of odd jobs, while Airplane 2 is on television, I have never really got used to Airplane 2, as Kevin got me watching the original airplane film but no-one ever introduced me to airplane 2, and I think Airplane was a stand alone film, didn't need a sequel.

The house is quiet, and all my shopping is done, I have what I need over Christmas, I have watched the fish tank, which is actually a large aquarium, there are new residents in the fish tank, including a fascinating spidery thing called a 'Spear Crab', the spear crab looks funny and grumpy and it sifts the sand.

I have warmed myself some macaroni cheese in the microwave, I have had lots of tea, and I am just being nervous now. Tomorrow will be a noisy social day and I have to hope I wake up well and sociable in the morning.

I have two more posts to do today, my Christmas prayers, and a Christmas message to the Diocese of Winchester.
I think I will have my shower and change for Mass first.

Christmas Eve afternoon

Good afternoon.
well I went to see my friends and drink coffee, and got a lift to town, finished my shopping and came home, we were laughing in the car about me doing a 'Vicar of Dibley' Christmas on the way home, and funnily enough, that very Vicar of Dibley episode is on Gold now, so I will watch it and relax now everything is done. I will just relax, for once, apart from the background fear of indoors and the Diocese, and tonight I will go to Midnight Mass, and tomorrow will just be awesome! :)

Christmas Prayers 1.

I will start my Christmas Prayers now because of the Weather.

I pray for all those without power because of the weather, anyone suffering flooding or wind damage, anyone trying to get home and being thwarted by the weather, anyone stuck far from home, anyone who is cold and tired and unable to get to their destination.
And, of course, I pray for the homeless who are out in this weather, with everywhere closing for Christmas, I pray that all homeless will recieve some warmth, kindness, compassion and hot food and drinks.
In Jesus' Name, amen.

Christmas Eve Morning

Good morning,
I will be told off by the respected mentor for being harsh on Revd Ould. So I will remove that post some time.

Well, last night I had my horlicks and sorted my bed out, and fell asleep, but I waited until it was really late and I was really sleepy.
I fell alseep, and generally slept well, but still woke in the early hours, slept again and had vivid dreams and woke up late.
I haven't quite got the hang of this housedwelling lark yet. But it was comforting to put the little lantern on when I woke during the night. Last night was probably the best night so far.

Anyway, I have not been awake long, woke late,I put all the fairy lights and the candle on and I am watching the end of 'Herbie', I must get sorted because I am going up to the cafe to see me pals, the last cafe before the New Year.

I haven't done my Christmas Prayers yet, I will do them later and post them on here.

It's Christmas Eve! You gotta be excited eh? I bet my old friend who is reading this is.

Monday 23rd December -evening

Good evening,
I have managed to get the internet up and running here, this is good.
The blogs will start running normally again.

Some of the blog posts so far do not appear to say anything apart from 'read more', and if you click on that, you get the blog post.

The weather has been terrible, but I am tucked up in bed, with the television on, the fairylights on the tree and the dressing table are shining, there are lots of christmas goodies and I have put tinsel everywhere, my friend brought a poinsettia, and the candle is burning, it is very Christmassy, I am watching Christmas videos and waiting for one of my favourite films 'Airplane' to be on later, it is a Lesley Nielsen film and it is hilarious.

My bed has my own duvet and pillows on and my two pink cushions, and I have now got a hot water bottle and a wool blanket, and I have my princess blanket round my shoulders, warming up after being out in the storm.

It is interesting how you can transfer things from rough sleeping to house dwelling, I have been trying to work out how to deal with my problems sleeping.
We got me my princess blanket because I had been so used to having a blanket round my head while I slept at night, and the room is unheated, which is essential for a rough sleeper in transition, so we went to get me a blanket, and the shop had a choice of princess or racing car blankets, so I have a princess blanket, I have two pink cushions, one from the shoebox I was given, and one which is a neck support pillow for keeping my spine supported at night, I also have a pink bath towel, so all of a sudden, I am a girl!

Anyway, so there is a blanket round my head at night for warmth and security, and I have my lantern by my bed, the lantern that used to be beside me when I slept on the ground.
So, familiar things should help the terror that disturbs my nights, and maybe  Horlicks and a hot water bottle will help me to stay calm and warm.
It is, as I have always said, colder in an unheated house than it is in a proper blanket pile of a rough sleeper, this is true, and none of the house dwellers used to believe me when I told them I could stay warm in temperatures well below freezing outside, but it was perfectly true, I could, I actually find adjusting to a bed very hard, because I do not quite know how to keep warm and relax, I will 'blanket pile' it a bit with my new wool blanket, and I will have to think about how to keep my spine supported, because lying on the ground kept my injuries in place, and this mattress does not, I think a foam layer might help.

So, here we are, awaiting Christmas Eve, and, for now, I am home. On condition that the Diocese of Winchester leave me alone, if they do not, I will fight them from the streets again.
I am very grateful to everyone who has helped me get this far, it has been a turbulent journey.
Happy Christmas! :)

Monday 23rd December

Sunday December 22nd

Hi.
I am on a brief internet break before the good films start.

Yesterday evening the pain luckily faded out, and I didn't take any more painkillers, which is good, because they can hurt my insides where it used be all poorly.
I watched the music channels to see all the Christmas music videos and I watched the fish tank.

I managed to find the toy cat I have been looking for for ages in the chattery shops, it it a black and white toy version of our real cat that lives in a box on the freezer.
The real cat that lives on the freezer is hidden in the box apart from it's head, and someone stuck a plastic mustache to the box, where the cat pokes it's head out, so the cat looked like it was wearing a mustache and I laughed and laughed and the cat looked horrified.
My toy cat is called Suzy CatCat, and I always wanted her. Those of you who don't know, I have an obsession with soft toys, and I use a soft toy as a communication aid in any situation where I am frightened.
'Joj' the lion, my toy horses, my seal, the polar bear, the fish, etc, these were all toys that used to help me, don't ask why, I do not know.

Last night I did not sleep well, I was in and out of sleep with nightmares and distress and tension, I think it is a combination of new home and new bed, and the metabolic illness.
The bad weather was also pretty bad.
By the morning I had fallen into a doze and didn't want to wake to go to church. But I did, I washed, drank tea and hurried off to church.

Church was crowded, it was our nativity service, so there were extra chairs and extra crowds, my chair, which is fourth aisle and outside, had been taken, so I ended up being a VIP and sitting with the gang.
The Nativity was excellent, Children are such natural actors and it was well written, well played and had us all laughing.

Afterwards I went and sat at my table. The very best and simplest way to help someone with autism cope with a noisy church room and social time, is a table in the corner, where only a few people gather and it is quite peaceful and safe, and people can come and say hello individually, without any bewildering mass of people and noise.
So it was nice and fun to drink tea and chat.

I ended up with more than one invite for Christmas Day, so we laughed when I said I would have to do a 'Vicar of Dibley'.
If you haven't seen the Vicar of Dibley Christmas Dinner one then you must!

This afternoon there is just a blanket and lots of good films :) This is already the very best Christmas ever for me, or the best in a number of years, and it isn't even Christmas Day yet.

Anyone who wants to help the homeless this Christmas, please send money to 'Crisis at Christmas' as they provide a lot more just than a meal for my street brothers and sisters.

This is the new day to day blog

This blog is on hold due it's owner having floo.

Please send hot things and ladles of sympathy.

yesterday morning I went to pastoral care but didn't feel too good.
Pastoral care was ok, and then I went to have a quick cuppa where I usually do knitting but I was too ill to knit.

I went litterpicking and then went to the library, I didn't go to college, I was too ill, I swapped towns to get a night in a bed and breakfast, and simply slept all night.

woke this morning on the anniversary of the horror that made me homeless.

re-inacted the scene backwards.

take care peeps, speak soon.

Good morning peeps,

Well, if this is flu, it is day 4 of it now and it is walking flu, so thats ok.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the library, felt increasingly ill with a temperature and cough and tiredness.

Went to college in the evening anyway, and when I got in the classroom, my classmate told me I had flu and he had been off with it and was still recovering, he was coughing a lot, he said I should go home to bed, and the tutor asked how I felt about staying or going, and I said I would stay and see how I felt, so she gave me all the notes and homework in case I had to go.

I stayed half the lesson and went at break time, spoke to student services in case I am too ill to do class tonight.

Went home, brewed tea with the last of the milk and put the hot kettle and a rag and some medicine by my blankets and tried to sleep, looking up at the clear sky and stars. I was wearing my thermal top for the first time this autumn.
I dozed and woke shivering, just my luck to get sick when the first drop in temperature happens after an unusually mild time.
I got up, went to the loo, coughed, took some meds, wrapped myself in my honeycomb blanket and got back into the blanket pile.
I was warm except for my feet, normally my feet never get cold, but these boots are useless.

I slept shallowly until morning and then it was hard to wake up, but I got up in the dark early morning, went to the shop for milk, and brewed hot tea on the stove, put boiling water in a bucket and inhaled the steam, and then used the water to wash in.
a wash and plenty of tea later, I came down here to the cafe.

We will see how the day goes, just my luck to get sick in the run up to such a weekend!

Hi peeps,

Well yesterday I went to see all me pals, I had a cuppa or five, and then my lunch parcel was dropped off for me.
I came over here to the town where I go to college and I sat here feeling ill and revising.
I got cough medicine and everything but felt worse and worse, so I quit for the day and went home.

Back in my town, my church were having a meeting, they accepted that I was ill and needed tea and could catch up on college without a problem, so I drank tea and cough meds and then when church finished I went to tuck down.

I slept shallow at first, and was cold, got up at midnight, choking and wheezing and hoping I wasn't drawing attention to myself, went to the loo, took some cough medicine, put my coat and bandanna on and tucked back down. Slept throught to morning and woke feeling dozy but got myself up to put the stove on.

Boiled water, had several cups of tea and washed my hair and myself, did my mouthwash and things.

Went to the cafe, was entertained by the latest news of the investigation, went for pastoral care, had my brekky and a chat, used the church loo to finish my wash as the church groups were in, dropped a raffle prize off for someone to the community centre, went litterpicking round the church, saw a churchperson and asked him where the alcoholics anon group were, because that is what I call the group of drunk homeless people, they were absent so I could litterpick in peace.
I fell over though.

Then I got the bus down to college, gave them the correct paperwork that they have needed, which has only just come through, they are talking about getting me a bus pass for after half term, it looked unlikely yesterday but today they think they can, ho hum.

I also handed my homework for yesterday in, but the tutor was off site and so I will see him tomorrow to get worksheets and an assignment sheet.
And while I was there they looked at daytime activities for me after half term, I am on a first aid course but we are undecided what my other activity will be.

It was nice at college, I got a hot drink and walked down to the water's edge, where some students were interviewing each other, while others were exploring the shores like young people should.

I walked down onto the marsh and just peacefully reflected, and then went up the bank and sat under the trees, which have changed colour beautifully, today is the last warm day, and it was beautiful in the sun and I just enjoyed my walk. A blessing from God.

Then I got the bus down here. I have homework to print but not much else to do, I am still feeling rough, and my temperature keeps rocketing suddenly, my nose keeps running and I keep coughing.

Good morning peeps,

Be careful not to catch flu from me through my blog, I get the nasty feeling that I have picked up flu from church due to some people there having it and coming to church with it.
I am still standing at the moment, but I started feeling ill yesterday, and it hasn't got better, started with sore throat, tired, muzzy, headache, cough, aching bones.
During the night I had to get up and I felt sick and dizzy.

Anyway.

Yesterday evening I sat and revised while the choir warbled, this is not our choir, this is a choir who come in and use our church, but I know a lot of them from various places, some are nice, some are snotty anglicans.

My friend came and dropped off clean clothes for me, and a bottle of gas and a letter that has finally arrived that I needed for college! :)

After choir I went and tucked down in the corner, I felt too hot to add the duvet to the pile but during the night I wished I had, it was a patchy night of sleep, some shallow, some deeper and some waking, no flashbacks but had to get up at one point and felt sick and dizzy.

I  woke in the early morning and dozed again, by the time I got up there was no time for a wash, just a quick cuppa at the cafe and off to physiotherapy, no pastoral care today because of physio.

Physio  was ok, just work on my leg to make it less awkward.

The walk there and back is a pleasant walk, especially with the radio.

I went to see if my lunch parcel was there, but it wasn't.
Came here briefly to catch up, and then I will see me pals and then go over to the other town for the rest of the day.
While I am still standing, it is't flu.

Hey peeps,
The other blog is taking up time and I mustn't let my homework go to pot.

Yesterday afternoon I went and rested in my corner and read my book and listened to the radio, now I have worked this radio out, it is good, but it needs recharging all the time.

Then churchpeople were arriving for the evening service, I got a cuppa and sat with my friend and then got another cuppa after the service.
Then my friend took my washing home to wash, and I went for a walk.

I had a long and peaceful walk and eventually wandered back to sleep, it was very noisy in the area so I listened to my radio, read my book and eventually slept with my earphones in, which is not ideal.

I woke briefly in the early hours and had flashbacks, slept until 6am and woke wide awake in the early morning.

I got up and went for a walk, stopping for a cuppa at McD's, and then went back and washed.

Pastoral care was early today and then I went to the library. Stopped on the way to chat to a friend.

Then I was due to meet my friend at 11am, I got stopped by another friend who wanted a  a chat as I hurried to meet my friend, no-one told me it is national stop and chat day! :)

I got to where I was meeting my friend, and she was there, we set off in her car and her phone kept ringing, so I answered it and it was someone I knew, so I took a message and said hi and he said he would phone her later.
We went up to the viewpoint and got burgers and tea and had a good chat, and the phone kept ringing and someone else I knew phoned, so I had a chat to him and said I would see him on Saturday.
Today is chatterday! :)

We went down to sanctuary before heading home, and here I am, overwhelmed at the moment.
Homework, life events, the Church and everything.

Peeps, stay tuned.

Hey peeps,

Sunday is running away from me and the week will be busy, I should go and lie on my blanket and rest for a few hours before the evening church service.

Well I went to church this morning, our priest was away and at one point some of the leaders were in a worried huddle, the people doing tea and coffee had been ill and couldn't come, no-one had brought any milk, so I stepped in and offered to volunteer with tea and coffee, and one of the other woman my age said she would also help, so I went and got the milk, when I got back, someone else had come in late, as the service had started and said they were supposed to be helping and had overslept and didn't know the other two were ill, in the end we sorted it out and we did the tea and coffee.

Anyway, tea and coffee was fine, and people asked for my sponsor form for the walk, and I laughed and said it hadn't come through yet.

After church I read my book for a while, and then came here and have sat and drunk tea all afternoon, I will have an hour or so to rest and read before church again.


We had lovely hymns this morning, please let me share one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqSQvoinDE4

Hey peeps,

yesterday I had two helpings of roast dinner wiv me pals, and was given a tub of food to take away for supper.

I stayed in the library a while , then went to my lock box and sorted it out and put my dirty laundry in a bag in case my friend has time to wash it tomorrow evening.

Then I went for a wander.
I have been trying to work out how to describe my adventure in the blog, but I can't, I went to a place that I love, the place where I will be walking in a few weeks time, there is a ferry and things,
I got back late but the drunks were still noisy.

eventually I settled to sleep, I had my spare personal radio, which isn't very good but it worked enough to lull me to sleep.

This morning I woke up peaceful but cold, the top blanket had slid off and the air was cold for the first time in ages, I was reluctant to wash when I got up, but I made a start anyway, washing my hands and arms and doing my teeth and mouthwash, brushing my hair, then I went to the cold toilets and did the intimate wash, then I came back and reluctantly washed my hair in cold water.
My friend has ordered gas for my stove, but in the meantime I am washing in cold water and cannot brew tea.

Anyway, by the time all washing was done and I had put a Sunday top on, it was time for the cafe.

hey peeps,

Yesterday afternoon my friend dropped me off in town and I came here to the library.

I was furious to get an email from the police about the historic enquiry and so I replied by questioning their genetic line, etc. When is going to stop?

anyway, that rattled me.

But I had got a lot of the blog that bites back at the one-sided enquiry done.

Anyway, I went to do my homework during choir practice, and one of the choir had already heard that I am preparing to do The Great Walk again and was thirsting for the sponsor form, which hasn't come through yet.

I managed to do drafts of both lots of homework and got through many cups of tea while the choir practiced.

Then I went for my walk, I had a long peaceful walk, gazing at the water and the lights on the road and the trains on the track, it is all so beautiful and I do not want to lose it to the senseless monsters in the diocese and police.

Then I went back and tucked down, undisturbed by noise or drunks, but too tense to sleep until after midnight, my friend  texted me to ask if I will do the London weekend next weekend, oh Lord, I am so busy then, I do not know! :)

I slept eventually, deep empty sleep until morning.
I got up and did my hair and mouthwash and water and went to the cafe.

Then I went to pastoral care and porridge.

After pastoral care, there were ladies doing flowers in church so I borrowed the church loo for a wash.

And here I am.

I have lunch wiv me pals later.

Hey peeps,

yesterday I walked down to the port and watched the water traffic, there was a ship in dock being repaired.

I didn't have much prep for class so I was reading my book.
I got a message saying class was cancelled.

so I texted my friend and she said she would collect me at 7pm rather than 9pm, so she came to collect me from near the library and I got some reduced chicken and bread to eat while I waited.

We went back to my friend's house and had a cuppa and watched television while she did the ironing.
I haven't been in a house or seen a television for months.

Then it was bed time and I sleep on a thin foam mattress on the floor at my friend's house, as I am not too good at beds and house floors are harder than outdoors ground, so the foam mattress is just right and the duvet is soft and comfy.

eventually I overcame the tension and nervousness and slept.
I woke in the early hours, as is usual now, and was in shallow sleep and terrors, needed the loo and by 5.45am I got up, went to the loo and then dozed off again.

dozed for a few hours, even when I could hear my friend buzzing around and cleaning the loo and things.

I got up eventually and wandered down to breakfast, had some tea and toast and amused my friend by muttering about how breakable houses are when I bumped something in the kitchen and was worried.
It's ok, I just bumped a jug but I am used to outdoors, where everything is less fragile.

I had a nice shower and was delighted to wash my legs back to pink, they have been blue from the dye in my jeans forever, as you cannot wash blue dye out in a bucket wash or a wash in the toilets, so I am happily clean and my friend has gone to tennis, and I am here until lunch time and then she is going away for the weekend so I will head back to town to the library and will sit and do my homework during choir practice this evening.

I have been offered places on a few daytime short courses at college, I am doing first aid and waiting to hear what else.

It is only three weeks to the great walk! oh I am longing for it, it was fantastic last year, it is one of the things that has helped with my healing.

No college now till Tuesday! viva da weekend!

Hey peeps,

I went to coffee and sausage rolls this morning, but didn't have a knitting lesson as neither of us felt like it.

I have come to this other town in preparation for college.

It is rainy and windy, lovely.

I am so tired.

Three weeks to half term and the start of the second annual Great Walk.

Hey peeps,

Today looks like a Thursday so I will allow it to be.

Yesterday's college was a bit chaotic as there was an open evening as well, so I went there early and had a look round the department that I would go to next year if I survive.
I also managed to have a very beneficial talk with the finance department and they are going to sort my bus pass out tomorrow hopefully.

Then I went to my class, but due to open evening it had moved.
I found where we were relocated, and the tutor was impressed because I have Asperger Syndrome and yet I found the class and some of the others had to be rescued because they couldn't.

The tutors now know I am AS, because they didn't at first and I had to say something before my work started being affected because I couldn't process what the tutor was saying quick enough, or interact well enough.
So last night was good because I was able to sit apart from the crowded class, I sat with a guy who has dyslexia and bipolar disorder and also struggles with people and prefers to be apart, so that was ok, and I managed everything ok. Wednesday is my toughest class though, it really is.

Anyway, after class I got a hot drink from the machine and walked up for the long wait for the bus, I was peacefully reading my book in the bus shelter but some noodle came along with a cigarette and so I had to move and there wasn't enough light anywhere else to read the book.
But the bus seemed to come quickly and off home I went.

My friend had put food on the lock box for me and I put it in the box as I wasn't hungry. I got my bedding and was disturbed by the drunks as usual, eventually I got to sleep but it is wearing me down terribly.

I wa sonly sleeping shallowly in the early hours, I didn't get up but I was mildly distressed in my sleep, got up and moved with no trouble and few flashbacks.
packed away and then washed my hair, it is a cold windy morning but my hairdresser puts gunk in my hair to style it and really a rough sleeper doesn't need styled hair, so I have to wash the gunk and loose hair out, in cold water in a cold windy morning because I am out of gas for the stove.
It makes a man of you apparently, but I am not sure I want to be made a man of.

I did my teeth and mouthwash as well, and headed for the cafe.
I am stopping pastoral care for now because I am in crisis.

listening to some quality music - Hope Street by the Levellers, ah it brings back memories.

I am in the town where I attend college.
I stopped on the way at the ice rink, decided to do the crazy thing and see if I could skate.

I would have been ok if a load of drunkard louts, like the kind who disturb my sleep, hadn't come along and started barging around, I had a few slow circuits of the rink, building speed and in a lot of pain, but I decided I just didn't feel safe with the louts there, so i quit, which was sad, there were no after effects of the skate, and if anything, my leg has loosened up and is more mobile :)

I am not deeply looking forward to college but my homework is neatly finished and clipped together and I can see no real prep to do, so that is ok, I will have a polite pot of tea at some point.

hey peeps,
I went to collect my lunch pack because I was told it would be left for me even if I didn't want my porridge and pastoral care.
I ended up having pastoral care and porridge anyway.

I am so tired.

Church had the usual meetings and maintenance for a Wednesday but I just borrowed the disabled loo to have a further bit of a wash and then went to have my hair cut. My hairdresser has made a good recovery from his heart bypass and is back full time now, he was as lovely as usual and thinned my shetland pony hair nicely.

Then I got my books ready for college this evening and changed out of my hair covered shirt, hair shirt, haha, and into a clean teeshirt and cotton top, haha, and here I am, off to the other town soon, maybe via an adventure.
I was walking with my stick earlier but my leg has eased a bit, now I am walking without stick and hope to do something daft for a cripple later.

Good morning peeps,

Well physio yesterday hasn't made my leg much better, but I have another appointment next week.

Yesterday evening I dragged myself to college, college on it's own would be managable, college with the church of england on my back is too much.
Even so, college is hard because of what the church of england have done to me, I feel like I have no right to be there, and I expect more press releases by the diocese to get me recognized and booted out, and basically what is the point of studying when I am on the streets, facing an uncertain future and also no qualification is of any worth with the record the church of england have got me.

Anyway, class was easy for the first hour and very hard for the last hour, I headed home shattered.
When I got home, a group in church had overrun and were still there even though it was 10pm, my friend was there getting agitated as she waited to lock up 'boot them out' I suggested happily and put the kettle on.

One cup of tea later, the group were leaving, so I also wandered off, sorted out my sleeping place, tucked down exhausted and slept.
Woke at 4am needing the loo, went to the loo, tried to sleep but went into flashbacks and distress instead.
Slept lightly and had dreams.
Woke at 6am and packed the bedding away and did my hair and teeth and things.

Came to the cafe.
I am attempting to skip pastoral care today, I feel so low and so tired that there is no point in it.

Hi peeps,

I had a few quick cups with me pals and then walked up to physio.

It is a half hour scenic walk, simpler than struggling with buses.

I got there and had my leg tortured by the physio then he ran the electric current through it.

Then I walked back, more physio next week.

I was hurring back because I was supposed to be helping at church, but communication had got so messed up that it had been cancelled, not my fault, so I set off to come to this town where I go to college.

I have been sitting here, reading. 

I am going to print my finished assignment for tomorrow as I will get here late tomorrow as I have a meeting in the afternoon.

Then I will grab supper and get to college.

Good morning peeps,

Last night I drank tea and read my book while the choir warbled.

Then I bedded down, the noise was there but I was tired so I slept.

I woke at 2 or 3am needing the loo.

got up, went to the loo but didn't sleep well again.
distress and flashbacks and dreams when I did sleep.

Woke at 7am but the drunk was hanging around and I had to wait until he had gone, not a good start.

No gas for hot water or tea, so I washed in cold water.

I couldn't remember if pastoral care was 8am or 8.30 because it wasn't clear yesterday.

It was 8.30 but because I didn't know, I had waited anyway instead of going to the cafe. I finished my wash in the cold toilets and checked that my money was in while I waited.

Pastoral care was ok.

Today I have physiotherapy and then I have to hurry back because I am standing in for someone at church who is on holiday, so I have a few hours to do there, and then off to the town where I go to college.
Busy day.

I am going to see me pals briefly before physio.

Good morning peeps,

yesterday afternoon, I sat on my new duvet in my corner and did some reading and a slight bit of studying.
I brewed much tea.

In the evening the priest was still working to unblock the drains at church so he let me get a cuppa.

I went for my walk, brewed more tea, and went to the porch, slept despite the noise.

woke briefly in the night with terrors.

Woke again in the early morning, very warm, the weather is ridiculously mild compared to last year, the weather now is warmer than it was during last summer.

Got up, brewed tea and then it was time for pastoral care as it is early today.

Pastoral care was ok, then we set up for toddler group and then I came here to write.

The depression is bad at the moment.
I forgot to tell you that yesterday my friend brought the rest of my clothes, all clean, so I changed into my Sunday best in time for church.

Hey peeps,

Well yesterday evening was quiet, I sat and read my textbook and brewed tea, had a walk and got to my porch for an early sleep.
Fell into deep sleep. Woke at 3am needing the loo, a drunk person was crashing around in the bushes, occasionally there was a crash and a thump and swearwords like he walked into a tree.

I slept again but there were terrors and nightmares and distresses in my light sleep.
I slept deeper towards morning and woke up comfy but a bit too warm, 7am, an hour before pastoral care.

My stove was out in the corner and my tea making stuff was under a bucket so I set to work making tea and getting on with my Sunday wash, which is the thorough one including my hair.

I was all washed by the time pastoral care started, pastoral care was ok, but did not relieve my tension and distress about the church of england, my old friends came in during pastoral breakfast and shared stories about previous harvest services, one of them went to lead harvest at another church and one was to lead the service at my church.

It was one of those days when I was at church by 8am and didn't leave until just after 3pm, not long ago.

After pastoral breakfast, I helped with preperations for the harvest service, and then it was time for the service, after the service was coffee and I was given some chocolate, and a duvet, and a harvest food parcel.

Then we had harvest lunch, so I helped set up tables and set everything out, sat with my friend for lunch, then helped with teas and coffees, and clearing away, and then tedious jobs like unblocking drains and sharpening hundreds of pencils for the church youth meetings.

And by the time that was all over, it was gone 3pm.

So here I am, just escaped.
I have a free afternoon for lazing on the blanket and studying.

Just went to my friend's shop for a while, now I have a blank evening, probably resting on the blanket and brewing tea and reading.
The weather remains very mild.

Hey peeps,

I had my lunch wiv me pals, I was not as hungry as usual, I was veyr tired, so after lunch I went and lay down on the ground in my corner, oh, the ground felt so good! :)

I have come up with a bad idea. Do you remember my sponsored walk last year? It raised £280. 70 miles solo, not bad for a cripple, eh? I want to do the same again. :)
I am due a short sponsored walk with my friends at the beginning of November, but I want to do that endless silent walk alone that I did last year. wasn't it amazing, peeps? I had to be very careful about where I was walking, just as I have to be very careful about where I am now.

Good morning peeps,

Last night I went and made use of the church while the choir practiced, I finished off my wash and hygiene, all the things that are hard to do in public loos or outside with the bucket, and then I did some homework, drinking plenty of tea as I did.

Then when the choir finished I went for a walk and to the cafe, then I got past the drunken louts and tucked down comfy in the porch and was asleep immediately.

I woke needing the loo at some point, slept again, soundly apart from one nightmare, and woke up all snug and comfy in the grey early morning, I thought it was later than it was, but it didn't matter, I put the stove on for tea and blearily read my textbook.

Then eventually, a number of cuppas later, it was time for women's breakfast, so my friend and everyone arrived and we had breakfast, I had peanut butter on toast :)

My friend brought some of my washing back clean and she did a funny talk at breakfast.

Then there was the choice of library or helping with harvest decorations, but seeing as I had no cafe this morning and it is a busy day, I thought I would come here and do some highly effective office work :)

Hey peeps,

Busy busy time these days.

I went to class last night, it was ok, a bit overwhelming because of the level of interaction but I survived, I was one of a few who had managed to get the text book, and everyone was grumbling because the textbook cost more than expected, I found that too.
The class was quiet because a few had dropped out and one was ill.

We got through a lot of hard work and finished early, especially as the tutor didn't feel well, but as a result I caught an earlier bus home, got home, knew rain was forecast and had to work to get to the porch without the drunks disturbing me.
I slept but not deeply, I was kind of only half asleep all night. Until the early morning when I was more deeply asleep and couldn't wake very well.

I got up and stashed everything in the box, did my hair and mouthwash and headed for the cafe, relieved to see no news from the blasted church of england.
Went to pastoral care and that was good.

Headed for therapy, the train was crowded but I survived.

Therapy was a bit traumatic, well it has to be if we are to make progress.
We discussed the trauma assessment.
:(
Some of the elements of trauma are way above the clinical cut off score apparently, the psychologist says he is going to have a meeting with other people at the clinic to see about getting me EMDR or other trauma therapy.
I found it all a bit scary, but there is nothing we didn't know really, the death wish showed up, but even that has decreased since I did the assesment and I am in no way in the same terrible state I was 18 months or so ago and before. My church has done amazing things for me.
I would have been right off the scale two years or 18 months ago, and the NHS were useless, but as it is, the assesment results are a picture of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, coming from the church of england treatment of me on top of my upbringing.

trauma therapy will be traumatic in itself, but I wont get better without it.

Anyway, because my therapy time is midday now, it means I get home before the rush hour, the train was busy but not overcrowded so I got home ok, went up to the camp and put the stove on, I made tea and washed myself, including my hair and face, and redid the potassium permanganate wash, not sure I should do it again so soon but never mind.
I had a number of cups of tea, cut and scrubbed my nails, put some pp on some of the mosquito bites, changed my socks, and did as much of my wash and hygiene that I could outdoors, I will do the rest this evening while the choir are practicing, I will also finish my homework then, I started it on the train.

Then I sorted out the lock box as it was muddled. I put all my dirty washing together for my friend to collect this evening, and put my coursework and wash things together for this evening and made sure everything was tidy and shipshape.
Then I came up here to the library.
Yay, it's the weekend, good food and relaxing with my pals and churchpeeps! :) hey, I am half and half about living and and death, I love my life now, I have better quality of life than I have ever had, the deathwish is only because of the church of england.
But I learned to love again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

I need physio on this leg again. It is just beginning to seize up and give me a hard time.

Hi peeps,
captain's blog, 16.16.
26/09/13

Wow, peeps, haven't we come a long way, I remember a year ago, the prophecy that clouds were gathering, shadows forming and that something was to happen in February this year.
Well plenty happened, didn't it, peeps, but no justice.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I revised without being disturbed by the Great Grim Church.
I got to college in plenty of time so that I could have a proper tour and orientate myself, and the staff were ok with that because I am autistic.

I had a good nose around, and talked about financial support and bus passes, I will very likely get funding for a bus pass, which will be a relief.

I went to class, this my second class that I started a week late, it was hard work catching up at first but it got easier and I am pretty much caught up.

I was tired and had used the last of my money by the time I went to wait for the bus, a half hour wait as usual, and then the long journey home.

The weather was turning bad so I tucked down in the porch, warm and peacful as the rain pelted down, I was asleep immediately and slept peacefully and deeply through the night.

I woke in the morning, rested, relaxed, comfy and lazy, I am sure more time in bed should be compulsary.
I got up and quickly packed away, did my hair and mouthwash and went to the cafe, my money was in but I also had earned a free pot of tea on my loyalty card :) typical!

Then I went to pastoral care, which went well, and then I went to get a few essentials from the pound shop, then it was time to go and see my Scottish friend for a coffee and a natter and knitting lesson, no great improvement in my knitting, peeps, it is like learning to drive.

Then I had a brief stop in the library to do my emails.

Then I went to meet my friend at her shop, she had potassium permanganate for me, and we had a cuppa and a chat, I gave her some money I owed her, and then we went to get a can of gas for my stove! :) yay.

So then I went off to set up stove in my corner and boiled water and mixed up hot and cold water and potassium permanganate to bathe in.
Messy stuff but excellent results usually, one of my hands is currently dyed brown as a result :)

so I had my soak in pp, and changed my foam pads in my boots and wiped them out with pp as well, and also brushed my teeth and did my hair and changed into new socks and generally sorted myself out and packed my notebooks and textbooks for tonight.

People were arriving down at church for harvest decorating and social groups, so I went in and made tea and coffee for anyone who wanted it.

Then it was time to get the bus, which I did, arrived here in the college town, went to the port to watch a bit of water traffic and then had a pot of tea and a very late lunch, I also got some passport photos for my bus pass.

a few hours to go until class, I may as well revise.

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday I had a few cuppas wiv all me pals, and off I wandered to the town where my college is.

I was in increasing pain and simply vomited the painkillers every time I took them :(

I wrote a letter, did some studying and had a wander, met my old friends, a lovely Christian couple, who always insist on slipping me a few pounds for food and hot drinks.
That was nice, they gave me enough for my lunch and a hot drink and the postage of my letter.

I had a walk around after lunch and sat on the harbour wall watching the shipping and shouting rude criticism to the boats.

Then I tried to pull myself together and prepare for college and got disrupted by the ruddy church of england and their fake enquiry, again.
Furious and running out of time, hurtled through KFC, grabbing a meal on the way and onto the bus, got to college dead on time to be given the form I needed and be taken to my class.

The class was fine, it was all stuff I had revised.

Afterwards, the wait for the bus was ages but it wasn't as crowded as thursday.

I got home, lay down on the ground and fell into deep sleep.

I woke at 3am and used the loo and then spent  2 hours in utter terrors and nightmares and distress about the church of england, woke again at 5am, slept deeply again, dreamed a storm had hit me and I had gone blind and missed pastoral care and felt very sad, slept peacefully until 7 and got up.
Went and had a quick wash and changed my smalls in the cold toilets and went to the cafe.

Then it was time for pastoral care.
Went and had porridge and a chat.

Came here, and am just going to beg a cuppa of the group, wash my hair and brush my teeth, get my prep for class tonight and head off to the other town.
I will not get a real break until Saturday, as I have class tomorrow as well, and a very early therapy session on Friday, midday instead of 2.30.
At least I will miss the rush hour on the trains if I can get back on the train just after 1pm on Friday.

I am on the last of my money now, thankful tomorrow is money day.
I owe my friend for a few things including my new textbook, which she left by the lock box for me yesterday.

Good morning peeps,

Still not well but a bit better than yesterday.

Yesterday I was being sick a lot.
In the evening I sat in church and listened to the choir, had my walk while they had their break, had some supper and more tea, sicked most of it up.
Bedded down and had another night of waking up and sleeping shallowly with vivid dreams.

Went to the cafe first thing, then went for porridge and pastoral care, which was quite cheerful.

Gonna see all me pals and then get the bus to the town where I have night school tonight, it does me good to have a break and be there.

I hope I feel better by tonight.

Hi peeps,

Yesterday afternoon, the air remained close and muggy and horrible, thick grey clouds in the sky.

I had a walk around and some lunch and settled to reading a book on my blanket, and that is pretty much all I did.

By 9pm I had bedded down for the night, slept until 1am and woke up, for no apparent reason.
Went to the loo, tried to sleep again, couldn't sleep for ages.
Slept shallowly and woke up feeling ill in the morning.

Brewed tea, took painkillers, felt sick.

went to pastoral care, too sick for porridge, only had a quick pastoral meeting and wandered off.

I have really not felt well today, I am on high dose painkillers but still unwell. :(

My friend brought me a letter from college, but apart from that I have not been in a sociable mood.

I went and had a rest on my blanket and washed myself and my hair and my towel and used the last of the gas for washing water and tea.

I read a maths book a bit, now I have my maths confirmed. I know what prime numbers and factors are! :)

I hope very much that the church of england and police are going to withdraw their latest onslaught and get off my back.

Hi peeps,
I was restless and unsettled yesterday.
But in the evening I settled to reading my book and brewing tea.
I went for my walk and settled in my blankets, it was a noisy night and my head was buzzing, and I got bitten by mosquitos and it was midnight before I settled down and the noise settled down and I slept.

Woke this morning, it wasn't raining, but the air was heavy and damp as it was all yesterday and so far today.

I brewed tea and started my wash.

After an hour it was time for porridge and pastoral care, I am not supposed to have pastoral care at the weekend, but for some reason this weekend I have done.

Then I went and finished my wash and changed my clothes and then it was church time.

Church was as good as usual, there are a lot of church events coming up, so one person gave me a ticket for a three course meal in a few weeks time, and my friend asked me if I wanted to come to a simple lunch in a few weeks and I said that seeing as I am simple I would come, and she said it is hard to keep a straight face when I am around, the priest's wife reminded me there is a women's breakfast coming up, so I am happy with all this food on the horizon.

My friend said she would get the textbook I need from Amazon as it isn't available in WH Smiffs, they have every other textbook but not mine.

Anyway, here I am in the cafe, there is no news today, so that is good, I wish the church of england and the police would just all spontaniously combust.

Hi peeps,

well yesterday evening I had a cuppa at church but the choir weren't in, so I didn't stay, I went and sat in the cafe with my book for a while and then bedded down.
Despite it being a weekend night, it was fairly quiet and I slept through the night, dreamed about pet-sitting some tigers and realising it was a mistake when they started growling.

Woke feeling cranky and achy, eventually wandered out of bed and did hair and teeth and stumbled down to the cafe to hear more about the investigation. Got a bit cross and rattled off a cross email.
When will this nightmare end?

went and had pastoral and porridge, had some library time, had lunch wiv me pals, popped into my friend's shop briefly, sitting here too hot and need to go and wash and rest, not the best day ever.

Hi Peeps,

Well I went to college last night and it was ok as well as a bit overwhelming.

It was getting late after college and the bus took ages and loads of people ended up waiting and some of them were smoking, I wonder why I put myself through these things.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed a cuppa and bedded down as it was late, but the drunks were still noisy.

Slept, woke peaceful in the morning and brewed tea.

Went to the cafe, got some news.

Something has happened with the enquiry.

Not bad news, I don't think, but rather a shock, as anything to do with this always will be.

Anyway, I went and had my porridge and pastoral care and then had a wash.

went to the library, have had a nondescript day.

The college say I can get help with bus fares from their financial support.

Hi peeps,

I would say excuse the silence, but no one except random stats that may not be real have been reading the blog. So that is ok.

Yesterday I made my way home, it was cold and clear, the noise and antisocial behaviour nearby was so bad late into the night it drove me to screaming point.

eventually I slept, but I had wanted a nice long quiet night before going to college and I didn't get one.
I woke at 6.30 and scrambled, I had left the stove out.
I brewed tea very quickly, did my teeth and hair and hurried off to catch the bus.
I was allowing time because crowded buses later on and rush hour might make me distressed or late.

So I arrived at the college early and went on down to the sea port in the meantime. I used the toilets down there to wash and change my clothes, as I had hoped to.

I went back to the college in good time, they were very nice and I did my maths and english assessment and passed both with high marks! Goody!

So they enrolled me in night school three evenings a week.

I start tonight.

So after that, I went to the library, and had a peaceful day here, listening to music, chatting on the forum and ready my book.

I popped out for tea a few times and to get pens and paper and things. And soon I will head for college.

Hey peeps,

well I went and had my breakfast pastoral care and was given my packed lunch.
Did I tell you the joke they made about supported living? they say I am now 'supported rough sleeping', heehee.

Then I shot off to get one of the only direct trains.
I arrived in the City with the star above it, my shamed hometown.

Had the usual kerfuffle about meeting my friend, and then off we went to tend the grave of my late friend and pray over it.
It felt sad when an old friend of mine came past and ignored me, well, never mind, I do not need friends who listen to the church of england slander of me and treat me like dirt, I have upgraded to better friends, haven't I? I told this to my friend who I was with and she said it was a compliment :)

Then we went as a special treat to the town with the river, so I could see some fish and we could have a pot of tea.
So that was good, and then we sat in the car and had a picnic lunch on the way back, and she gave me a food parcel when she dropped me off in the city.

I am delighted that I managed to find a Shane Dunphy book in a charity shop here :) one I have not read, and then I have sat quietly here and had a few pots of tea as well.

I am heading home soon, I don't like to be far from home but on the other hand I know I have to balance my fear because it is a form of phobia that comes from having to run from the diocese who are based in this very town, who drove me out into the wilderness and I am so afraid that they will again.

It will be dry tonight so I will sleep sweetly under the stars.

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday evening I sheltered in the church porch and read my book as I waited for the Bible group to turn up.
My friend stopped by to take my dirty washing for a wash, she also brought me some cake :)

The Bible study group was only a few people tonight, but there was plenty of tea.

After Bible study I went and tucked down in the porch, away from the weather, I was asleep immediately and slept through the night.
No-one disturbed me in the morning, there was no drunk nearby, it was raining lightly and I packed my bedding up and put the stove on for tea and washing water.

It was 6.30am when I got up, nice and early and just getting light, I brewed tea and washed my hair and face with the first lot of water, and continued the wash and more tea with the second lot. It is getting cold to wash from the bucket, but not too cold yet, but it is nothing like that hot summer when I washed with cold water every day.

Anyway, I had two cups of tea and my wash and mouthwash and teethbrush and then I needed to hurry down to the cold toilets.
I finished my wash in the cold toilets and changed my socks, and here I am drinking tea.
I am supposed to have breakfast with pastoral care again today, and every day until further notice.

I am also off on a day trip to see my friend and do other things today.

Hey peeps,

you nearly didn't get an update at all today, I forgot.

Yesterday the priest came up to the library and apologized for getting too caught up to talk to me, he made an appointment with me for a breakfast meeting today.

I wandered idly through the day, tried to have a snooze as I was tired, didn't manage to, got some books, gas, handwarmers and usual meds and toiletries that I need when the money comes through.

The weather was cold and yesterday was the first really autumnal day, cold and smoky and lovely, made me feel alive again.

In the evening I sat in church and drank tea as the choir practiced, lent someone my phone to call their taxi, and wandered off to bed.
Slept solid through the night.

woke up and there was a drunk idiot nearby swearing and falling over, I do not know if he saw me or not.

I packed up my bedding, did my hair and mouthwash and went to the cafe, had a quick pot of tea and went to have breakfast with the priest., we had a good chat.

Then it was time to see all me pals, I had some cups of tea and soda with me pals and didn't stop for food.
The priest had given me sandwiches for lunch anyway, and off I went to the library.

I was too hot and distracted for the library and eventually I went to find myself a spare pair of jeans as my only pair needed a wash and so I stank.

I got some jeans.
And came here to the cafe, the weather is bad with heavy rain but I can spend the evening in church while Bible study is on.

Ah, one of the colleges has invited me for an interview, on thursday, I can be a late starter if I am accepted.

Hey peeps,

I know it was utterly the wrong time to vanish on you, when you know things have been difficult recently and that I was going to the hospital for screening, but don’t worry, it is simply that I have not been able to access the internet.
The hospital visit took most of Saturday, and then because my money didn’t come through on Thursday, I have not been able to get to the café on Saturday or Sunday to access the internet there.

Right. Let me catch up with you from Friday evening onwards.

The weather was foul on Friday evening, wet and windy, I sheltered in church as the choir practiced, and then it was back out into the wet and windy night.

Interestingly it was fairly quiet for a weekend night, and I walked in the rain and eventually went to the porch and tucked down and hoped for the best as the rain blew in on the wind.
I slept almost as soon as I lay down.
I woke again at 12.20am, the night was dark and quiet apart from flurries of wind and rain and a drunk person roaring to themselves at a distance.

I got up, I was a bit wet and cold from the rain that had got me before I bedded down, so I removed my wet top and bandana from under my coat, which was quite warm and dry, and I put on my spare top and my shawl and rearranged the bedding and bedded down again.
I slept warm and comfortable and woke in the morning, not as early as I would have liked as I had the long journey to London to make.

I got up, the rain had stopped but the air was damp and the sky was grey, I got the kettle going and had tea and a wash, my hair was wild from being wet in the night so I had to wash it despite being short of time, as I couldn’t go to London with such mad hair.

I set off sleepily after my wash and tea, and was a bit late for the trains I wanted and so was cutting it slightly fine but not too much.

I had a peaceful journey down to London, and no problem on the underground, I was quite pleased, I coped quite well with the crowds, if I say so myself.

I got to the hospital, no problem, checked in no problem, had a bit of a wait, and had an ECG, done by a very nice kind woman.

The ECG was not too bad, it was not mad and all over the place like the one where I was rushed to hospital, it apparently had ‘a few blips but nothing to really worry about’.  nortypeople have norty hearts.
I had a chat with a doctor and talked to him about the exercise related problems and the arhythmia and my family’s history of heart problems.

Then I was given an hour to pop off and terrorize the district while I waited for further scannings.

I had not much of the money my friend gave me for food left, so I was happy that I found a shop that had some reduced price food and I got some food and a can of soda, and had a walk as I ate.

I went back and had a cuppa with the last of the money and then went to endure the next lot of torture.

Ouch, barbaric things these scans.
I think the lady said it was because I am asthmatic and she had to get my lung to move out of the way of my heart so she could scan my heart, but it really hurt, that one was an ordeal It has been hurting ever since, I thought these tests were supposed to be painless?

I survived, and again, it was nothing to worry about, basically it all just needs a slight  eye kept on it because of the problems and the hereditary thing. I will await my GP pestering me about it, and maybe an exercise stress test as it is during exercise that I do the fainting and vomiting routine
No worries, all ok, peeps, I will never be a great athlete, but being a norty person is just as good.

I was very tired, so when my friend sent me a text asking if I was staying to terrorize London, I told her I was too tired and would simply head home.
And I did.

I had no money for the café when I got home, and I was very tired, so I rested and brewed tea, and ate a cheese and onion roll, which was all I had left, and then it was bed time, and it was a rare dry, night, so I tucked down out in the open, slept for a few hours and woke feeling cold and needing the loo, I rearranged the bedding and slept again but was not deeply asleep, the temperature is dropping towards winter and I need to make my blanket pile into a winter blanket pile.
I would have got a new blanket and a jumper if the money had come through on Thursday.

Anyway, I woke bright and early on Sunday morning, it was cold and cloudy, I put the stove on and had my wash and tea, it is always a thorough wash on a Sunday, and I walked down to the cold loos to finish the bits of wash that I cannot do outdoors in case some unsuspecting person comes across me washing and gets a fright.

Anyway, after my wash I stopped in at a church that isn’t my one, it is my spare church, they were having a roast lunch today and I went in to see if there was space for me and if so what time I should turn up.
They were delighted to see me as they were in difficulties setting up for the lunch and needed an extra pair of hands to get it all set up before their morning service, so I was roped in, because they know I help with things.
So there I was, busily setting up, and then I trotted off back to my church and saw all my beloved church people and worshipped with them.

I can now cope with being in the main church for some of the service instead of staying out in the lobby and listening through the speakers.

It was lovely to see all my church peeps, and when I went in before the service, the priest’s wife was there early and she asked me if I wanted a bowl of porridge, of course I did!

So I had porridge, and my gardening pals came and told me the good news that we had won an award for the garden. I didn’t think we had, because it has been such a struggle to look after it this year.

So all was well there, and the priest said he would bring me a blanket and a jumper later, because I said I was waiting for my money to come through so I could get a blanket and a jumper as it was getting cold at night. And the priest let me get a carton of long life milk from the charity box, so I could brew tea on my stove during the rest of the day.

Then I trotted back to the other church for lunch.
I have only been to lunch at the other church once, and I had forgotten that it is a real three-course dinner, soup or melon starters with bread and butter, I had soup, full roast dinner, seconds, a selection of puddings, and then tea and coffee.
 That was a good dinner. Should have those every day.

But after dinner there was nowhere to go and nowhere to shelter from the increasingly bad weather.
I pretty much spent the whole afternoon sitting on the more sheltered bench, reading my book, but I was not out of the wind-blown rain really, I was wearing my big waterproof coat and my shawl but I was kind of cold and wet, I read my book and sometimes brewed tea on the stove but there was very little relief from the weather, and nowhere else to go, I could throttle whoever made the mistake with my benefits that left me with no money to go  to the café or on public transport to get out of the weather.

At 7.20pm the priest turned up with his hat on. He unlocked the church and told me to come in out of the weather, he had brought me a wool blanket and a jumper. He told me that the weather would get better during the night but that I could shelter in the church until 10.30pm. He had brought me soup and sandwiches for my supper.

He left me in the church with use of the kitchen and toilets and small meeting room to sit in.

So I brewed tea and sorted my posessions out, washed some smalls and washed myself, then I sat there to write some of this.
By 10.30 when he came to lock up, I was dry, clean and fed, and feeling a lot better.
Before the priest left, he also gave me some useful advice that I had never thought of, about how to make sheltering in the porch a bit safer.

The weather had calmed down and the sky was clearing, I tried out what the priest had suggested about the porch, and he was right, I tucked down and slept.

I slept and woke at 20 past midnight again, and then slept again.
Only sleeping lightly in the last few hours to morning.

I was not really relaxed and comfy as I sometimes am when I wake from a good night’s sleep, but I was ok, I got up and stashed the bedding, drank mouthwash and brushed my hair, and walked to town. My money was in, and I came here to the café and thankfully started catching up on everything I had missed out on over the weekend.

One of the biggest handicaps to being online has been not being able to check the weather forecast, so I have not been able to prepare myself for the weather. Which is not good when approaching Winter means either cold clear nights or wet windy nights.

I am relieved that my money is in, and that the hospital visit went ok and that we are moving forward with solutions to things. I am also relieved that the church of England have left off tormenting me, but we can expect them to relaunch their attack on October 11th or thereabouts.

I just went to the church, I was supposed to be chatting with the priest this morning but once he had done me some porridge and tea, he got caught up in a church group and so he was busy, I wandered off to see if my friend was at the coffee morning for some tea and a natter, but she wasn't there and it was crowded so I wandered here instead.

I am glad that my money is through and that that stressful weekend is over.

Good morning you peeps you,
what are you doing, and if so, why?

Last night I brewed much tea and wandered in and out of church, they are not my favourite group on a Thursday so I don't settle well.
But by the time they went home it was already raining lightly, but I was exhausted so I lay down on the ground and fell asleep. woke an hour later when the heavy rain took over.
Wandered carefully into the porch, expecting to wait and be vigilant, but I was out like a light.
I knew nothing until I woke at 6.10am this morning.

It was getting light and the sky was grey with rain but it had eased off.
I was warm, maybe too warm, but comfy and relaxed, wide awake, so I got up, I had left the stove and tea things out and they had come to no harm in the rain, so I brewed much tea and read my book.

Then i needed to run for the cold toilets because my insides were griping.
And then I came here to the cafe.

More rain forecast for tonight, and it is a weekend night, misery.

Hey peeps,
excuse the lack of blog, I have had 24 hours of crisis.

Well I managed to get into an almighty misunderstanding with some of my churchpeople, and that combined with heavy rain last night and no shelter, left me drained and devastated.
Then this morning my money didn't come through and I had none left.

I was very upset about my money not coming through, every time they make an error and stop my money it means a day at the benefits office and a torturous series of phone calls and answering questions and panicking, it leaves me ill, so I decided not to even try, I was cold and wet and despairing and tired.

Thankfully my churchpeople, as well as calmly sorting out yesterdays misunderstanding, offered moral and prayer support, no-one had time to go to the benefits office with me today but they offered to tomorrow, but in the meantime I sent emails, to the central office and also to my old friend who worked for the benefits agency, and then I took a handwritten letter to the benefits office, and left it with them to sort out without me being there, and they did, after a fashion.
My money will be in my account on Monday! :(:(
In the meantime I had no money, no food and no ticket to London to go to the hospital on Saturday.

I chatted to my friends online for a while and felt a lot better but lack of food and tea was getting to me, and then I found enough for a pint of milk, hiding in my pocket.

I trotted off to get a pint of milk and hoped I had enough gas for the stove, got to the stove and found that someone had left me a new gas canister, so I texted them thanks and told them I was short of food, they said they would come down, and I brewed tea while I waited.

They came down with some money and told me they would go with me and get my tickets to London tomorrow and I could pay them back when my money came through.
They also talked about my future lodgings that one day we will arrange.

When they had gone, I boiled a few kettles for my wash, which had gone forgotten all day, and had a wash and plenty of tea.

Here I am, just the end of the day at the library, more bad weather expected but who cares?
I will just have to become waterproof like a duck.

This morning I briefly had a cuppa with my friend and she taught me my first knitting, I did some finger knitting, got the hang of that and struggled a bit with my first bit of knitting with needles, this is like sailing and knots, it uses the part of my brain that does not work well.