Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Friday, 30 December 2011

Last night I went to the Samaritans but it wasn't greatly helpful, I think I am in a place where I can't communicate well or get help at the moment, so I will stop going for now.
I went to wait for soup kitchen and I was greeted by my protester friend, he said that he looked for me when he got back in the morning but I had gone, I told him I hadn't been sure how long he would be gone and I had to move on, he said he had been gone 20 minutes. He asked if I wanted a pound to get myself a coffee but I said soup kitchen would be there soon and that he shouldn't give me money as he can't be much better off than me, he agreed and said he would come to soup kitchen too, he is homeless and lives in a hostel mainly, but he has been at the protest camp for months and has just walked out today.
He tells me that he left for the same reason as I did, he was being treated like dirt, he says that he is tired of dealing with the teenagers who hang around in there and do nothing to help.
We go over to soup kitchen and I am pleased to get a tuna and cucumber baguette which I eat my way through very happily and drink five cups of tea to go with it. The protester (or ex-protester) goes over to the doorway where homeless people shelter and continues to try and pack his things up, one of the other protesters goes over and remonstrates with him, telling him he shouldn't leave, but he is adamant.

An unmarked car pulls up and police officers leap out, but they head towards McD's rather than soup kitchen, 'it's ok, they are just going to confiscate some burgers for inspection' I tell the lady on soup kitchen, but then she wants to know where I sleep and who with and I tell her she shouldn't be asking questions like that in front of all the homeless men because it potentially put me in danger, Good God sometimes people just don't realise that asking a lone homeless female where she sleeps when there are all kinds of dangerous men around is stupid! Excuse my rant!

Anyway, I go and talk to the ex-protester, he sells the Big Issue and he thinks I should, so I am going to give it a try.
Then I head home, the sky is clear and the stars are so utterly bright and sparkling that it feels like I could reach up and grab one. it is very cold and the bitter wind is blowing too.

Let me tell you something in case you are ever homeless, don't bed down too late at night in winter, don't get tired and cold and bed down sloppily just because you are tired, make your bed properly at all costs, you need to be warm or you will not sleep well, you could get cold tension which is bad for you or you could get very ill or frostbitten or hypothermic or you might just end up awake because you are cold. last night I was tired and it was cold, I made up enough bed to keep warm though, I didn't unpack all my bedding and use it, but I used enough even though I felt like just lying on the ground with my sleeping bag and dozing off, I also used a handwarmer for extra heat, it is surprising how much heat they can generate. I put it in my pillow blanket, the head and shoulders and neck are the hardest places to keep warm because it is difficult to keep blankets and shawls still there.
The wind made several attempts to remove my blankets and I just anchored down more firmly, the other thing the wind does is keep me on alert as it blows the leaves about and slaps the tarpaulins nearby, it sounds like someone moving about.
I slept well though, I woke at 4am hearing drunken shouts, which is not unusual, and I went to the loo and tucked back down, warm in the blankets while the sky remained clear and it was very cold.

I dreamed I was sharing a room with some Christian girls, I don't know how I knew they were Christians, I was tired and resting on a matress in the room when they all got back from work and I felt ashamed of being so inactive and I got up and told them I was going to clean the bathroom and change the bed and hoover.

My night terrors about the church changed into something unusual - knowing, point after point, that the church really did do wrong to me. Wow. Usually they are busily pitchforking me into hell.

My last dream before i got up was the usual 'being found dream',this time the wall round the alley had gone and the neighbours had seen me and were disgusted, they stood and ranted as I cleared up and scuttled off, then they vanished and I was back in the alley with the brutal safeguarding official from the Hometown diocese staring over the wall at me silently, and I stared back silently.
I woke and scrambled up at 6.45am, I quickly packed bedding into under the stairs and somehow I am going to get more bags and move it all back to the shrub before my luck runs out.

It is a cold clear morning, still with the cold wind. I go to the market for my first cuppa and I take my meds, then I go sticker hunting. I have to deal with the busybody who I call 'gossip' I don't know if I have mentioned him before, he is friends with rudeman and he sneaks around with a vile grin on his face and gossips with the nasy element of the homeless people, he is one of the reasons I avoid some of the homeless meals and things; Anyway, he sees me looking for stickers outside McD's and he follows me, looking in the bins I looked in and then he goes in McD's and starts speaking to the staff, oh come back gossip I want to snap your head off your neck!

I found enough stickers and I go to the other McD's, which I am starting to really prefer anyway, better toilets, easier to wash there in peace, plenty of space and a glorious view from the windows. I enjoy a tea and then someone abandons their latte so I have that as well, seeing as I am drinking from a straw anyway, they only drank a few mouthfuls, I read the papers and eat the flapjack that I saved from yesterday. I have a posh wash in the posh toilets and wander in the direction of the library.

Today there is homeless lunch and I will go to that and maybe take the opportunity to knock gossip's head off. He is a purebred troublemaker and he is proud of it. It will be nice to have a good hearty bread and soup lunch though.

There is bad weather forecast, I am not sure what to do, maybe if P. is lucid I will ask if I can kip on his floor tonight, or I may sleep in the porch that I use in emergencies, Big Issue said he has kipped there sometimes and got away with it.

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