This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Monday, 26 December 2011

Christmas eve continued. I had enough time to make a cup of tea in my tin mug and write out a few cards before heading for mass. I was short of breath as I headed for mass, and I didn't have an inhaler with me.

There was an accident near the bed and breakfast, it didn't surprise me, Christmas eve turns drivers into maniacs and I had nearly been wiped out twice by speeders today. I remember one year when I was delivery driving on Christmas eve and my friend Poppy warned me to be careful 'because of all those mad drivers' and I was in a very near miss on a roundabout with a possibly drunk driver.

I got to mass and one of my friends, all dressed up to serve on the altar, gave me a hug and I gave her a card, she is always cheerful but tonight she has a cheshire cat type huge grin. She directs me to my other friend who I can sit with but who will have to get out to read lessons and prayers during the service, we all have lighted candles and the service is done by candle light.

My friend who is serving the altar goes a bit mad with the incense and when the gospel is being read it is near where we are sitting so I start coughing.
It would make a good headline 'Homeless girl killed by incense at midnight mass'. Hm.
As the table is prepared she is sitting on the floor thoughtfully swinging her incense and looking worried, maybe she thinks it will run out.

I really enjoyed mass, the sermon was good, it was fun and the priest was handing out chocolate after the service. My friend who I sat with had guests for Christmas but she said if I would like to stay with her next sunday then I could, I thanked her cheerfully and wished her a happy Christmas. I really enjoyed midnight mass and was looking forward to my own style of Christmas as well.

I went back to the bed and breakfast via the dangerous street, which was beginning to calm down by now, though there were police everywhere. I got in at 1.10am and had another cup of tea and watched some Christmas songs on television before falling asleep.

In the morning I woke up a bit later than I had expected and woolly headed but not surprising considering how late I went to bed. I decided that Jesus wouldn't mind if I stayed in rather than rushing to get myself ready and going to the packed Christmas morning service half an hour's walk away. I hydrated myself and opened the windows and took my meds in the hope of staving off the usual pain and fuzziness that comes from hot indoors. It worked, the fog cleared. So did the flashbacks, thankfully.
So I settled down and watched my favourite programme, 'my parents are aliens' for a while and had a shower and some breakfast. Then I headed for the charity christmas lunch.

The Christmas lunch hall is open from 11am and they ply you with hot drinks, soft drinks, fruit and sweets until lunch at 12.30, and there is entertainment on a stage all day, the event goes on until 5pm.
I was worried about coming to this event in case all the drunks and troublemakers caused stress, but my friend who volunteers here has been telling me for weeks that it well managed and safe and he will keep and eye on me.
When I arrive at the hall my friend is there on car park duty, he hugs me and leads me in and makes sure that other volunteers look after me, one of the other volunteers makes such a fuss of me, well two of them do in fact, one who I know from homeless lunch and one who I don't know but who decides that he is now my friend.
I am lucky and relieved to find that I am on a quiet long table and on an end, my companions are an old lady of 92 who is very coherent and easy to communicate with, and a cheeky middle aged couple, then there is a big gap and three other people on the far end of the table out of our reach.
We pull crackers as we wait and I get a miniature set of skittles with a little ball, so I play skittles while the others keep retrieving the wayward ball for me and laughing. So I am relaxed, when I first arrived I kept going outside, as I am allowed to, because I was so nervous, but I settled down and was ok. We had a lovely full christmas dinner followed by christmas pudding and ice cream, then we sang along to songs and carols and took part in quizzes and bingo and had christmas cake and mince pies.

There was a clothing store and food parcels and presents, and the volunteers also offered me a night in a bed and breakfast, but I politely declined and was to embarrased to tell them I was already checked into the bed and breakfast for the night, they asked if I needed any bedding, I said yes please, because I thought some of mine had been taken, (It turns out that someone seems to have taken my lions club parcel but my missing bedding has turned up now), but the people got me two new blankets and a sleeping bag and a 'homeless' food parcel with all ring pull tins and packet soup and rice, things I can use.
Everyone was so good to me, and there was endless tea and sweets and good things, I had such a lovely day and I wasn't sick once, I kept having to use my reliever inhaler and taking anti-sickness medicine but I was ok. I was wearing a silly grin all day and it refused to be removed.

The only problem I did have was when it was time to go. I was heading for the door, heavily laden with sleeping bag, blankets, clothing, food parcels when a female volunteer came up to me and asked if I needed a lift home, I said that only if they had a spare driver as it was all uphill to walk, she asked where I was going and I said I couldn't tell her in front of everyone, (lots of strangers who were guests all around us), she said how would they know where to take me then? but she took me out to the porch to ask me, I didn't like her, as she asked again a rather unstable man came in shouting, so I again couldn't say anything, he was shooed away by another volunteer, but then the lady was impatient even though I hadn't had a chance to speak, and said well how could they take me anywhere if I din't say where. She went over to the man who had been so nice to me earlier and started talking about me, he moved to come over and she said about me 'she might not want to know you either', which was rude and horrible and I told her so, the man shook hands with me and said that he was my friend and if I ever saw him in the street I should come and say hello and that he was sorry I didn't want the night indoors, he intoduced me to a man who was doing driving and told me to tell the man where I wanted dropping off, so I did and I told the driver about the rude woman as well.
The driver was nice, and he dropped me off near my stashplace and I busily sorted and stashed.

But I was so choked up about that rude woman that I went back and told my friend who was still directing cars off the site, he was very cross about the woman and took me to speak to the event manager who apologized and said that he would have words and said he personally invited me to come back next year, I was amazed at how my friend and two other people backed my complaint up and were so nice to me, I suppose after what the church did to me I never expect to be heard or supported, anyway I told the manager that the day had been my best Christmas day ever and that I really appreciated the event and that I knew everyone else did. Despite the rude woman my heart was full to the brim with happiness and contentment, I had had a lovely day, and I know I have real friends here.

I went back to the bed and breakfast and lazed briefly with some television, I pushed the flashbacks from my mind, picked up a happy christmas text that came through from county A, and then got out of my lazy stupor and did what no-one does on Christmas day and I never do - the chores.

I soaped and washed my underwear and socks and thermals in the sink, put them in the shower tray, took a shower with them and soaped, rinsed and wrung them and left them to drip, I sorted out all my posessions and got rid of any junk, I boiled kettles and scald disinfected my tin mug, saucepan, hexamine burner, combs and toothbrushes and anything else I could think of - my recent trip to the doctor highlighted that I need to be vigilant about hygeine, 'A hazard of the lifestyle' he told me as he gave me the prescription.
I swept and cleaned the room, I hung the clothes on the radiator to dry, I boiled rice for supper, I massaged my legs and feet to help with my walking, I shaved and moisturised everything, I sorted out my meds for the morning, I cleared all the manky old soup packets from my brew kit and refilled it with the new coffees, fuel tablets and lighters and packed the backpack ready for tomorrow, and then I settled down to watch comedies and Christmas music.

I woke up this morning muzzy achy headed, well i had to keep the radiator on all night to dry the clothes. I tried meds and hydration but the muzziness and headache remained, as well as shortness of breath. When I woke up I sent the phone flying and was having flashbacks as well, not a good start.

I put the television on and watched 'the bear' which reminded me of London, and I wish I could skate on the thames. I wish I could be in London skating on an outdoor rink.
I had a shower and packed everything carefully.
I walked up through the quiet streets, it is lovely when the roads are wet because there is no traffic drying them.
I had to stop because I was tired and fuzzy and out of breath and I sicked up my toast, dammit.

I got to town and found it fairly busy, there was one tea stall open on the market, not out tea stall, but I got a cheap strong cuppa. The toilets are open, which shows that I am just in a better town than I was in last year. The internet cafe is open and so I came to the computer to try and unload this backlog of blog.

I had heard about an open house run by 'the outreach' today and was unwilling to go because I thought it might be the homeless outreach who I don't like, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it might be salvation army, so I walked up there, a smiley woman greeted me and confirmed it was her outreach and that I was welcome, she put me with her friends who had just arrived, including two very active young boys and we all gelled and had fun and loads of food and sweets and nice things, I was given loads of food and blessings to take away, and a vicar involved with all this made sure I knew I was welcome to his church and to ask for help if I needed anything, he was very enthusiastic about my lifestyle and told me how he had lived in a tent for six months and loved every minute of it.
I am here with huge amounts of food, I stashed loads of stuff this morning, there are toilets and McD's and Samaritans open, so so far I am surviving the endless bank holidays just fine. I also got given a small amount of money.
They gave me a big bag of dried fruit and nuts, which I am chewing on now, they also gave me a box of ferrero rocher though, what is a homeless person supposed to do with those? keep them for a dinner party with fellow homeless people? :-D

I did sick up on the way back. Christmas is not good for my miserable old tummy.

I am an old crock, aren't I? My biggest worry is that the rogue wisdom tooth is threatening to abcess and my dentist is away until the new year. I refuse to take metranidazole again as it nearly kills me, the stuff that the dentist puts into the abcess actually heals it. The tooth itself cannot be removed as it is too close to a nerve in my jaw.

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