Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Monday, 12 December 2011

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RXCEdrnaFlY

For my Brother, if I don't survive another Christmas shunned by my family and crippled by the church.
Sorry I am so depressed, but how can Jesus have been born homeless at Christmas and gone on to leave an organization like the church using His Name to abuse and destroy and leave abuse victims homeless at this celebration of His birth? That sounds very whingey and low, but that's how I feel. I will see if I feel better after a night out in the freash air. After four nights indoors I know that it is time to stop trying to be indoors as I end up so desparate and distressed with bad memories, flashbacks and nightmares. If the church are a 'family' then it all makes sense, my family and the church are right.

Cold:

It is cold out here on the outside
I wish there was some way into the warmth
not physical warmth
but belonging and yet being safe from abuse and backstabbing and lies

but the warmth has that price to pay
talking and shouting
exhausting interactions
quarrels and domestic violence
pride and one upmanship
backstabbing and cruelty

indoors is where I was abused
indoors is where I was hit
indoors I was scapegoat
indoors I was whatever you decided I was
indoors the Gods of people's own imagination and creation crippled me
indoors I remember you too clearly and I cry

Outdoors the cold takes the aches from my injuries
outdoors memories blur and I focus on survival and the pain fades in and out
outdoors are the food bins and rat alleys that are my life
Outdoors is what I deserve in your opinion because you won't acknowledge my story
or my traumatised inability to tell it
outdoors I am safe from the abuse and quarrels that some call family
outdoors is where I will die
and you won't cry for me

because you were my family
and you didn't, don't love me.
Thats what families are for

coldness

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