Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Tuesday, 20 December 2011

I went to the samaritans as usual last night, they were as lovely as usual and made me cups of tea. I was very hungry when I got to soup kitchen, they were doing hot pies as soup kitchen as well as sandwiches and kitkats. I took sandwiches and kitkats with me for the next day's food.

Yesterday was an emotionally upset day, one problem after another. But the evening brought one problem that I am baffled by, instead of dealing with people who emotionally battering me for my lifestyle or what they perceive as their 'kindness' to me, I had to deal with my Big Issue friend declaring his complete and utter undying love for me, and telling me that he knew it was unrequited but that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he had loved me from the moment he met me.
I am so sad, I don't feel anything for him, and he drinks heavily and has a daughter somewhere, it wouldn't work. I feel very sad for him because when I tell him that I hope that he finds someone else who will adore him in return, he says there is only me. :( I honestly can't understand what he sees in me.

 I keep thinking about Chris, Chris who was shaking when he asked me out, Chris who was so sweet and honest and who got hurt when he got involved with me, because of my battle with the church and police, Chris was a rare one in a ten thousand who I could think of no reason to turn down when he asked me out, I was never deeply in love with Chris but I would have been contented with him, would have married him. Recently a Samaritan who didn't know the full story asked if I could go back to Chris. No I can't, obviously.

Anyway, I went and sat on a bench for a while after soup kitchen, it is not clever to just sit out and get cold at bedding down time, but I was really churned up and unsettled by all the incidents yesterday, not all that I have documented, someone being patronizing and squashing me and then making out that they had 'been kind to me and offered to bring things' (an offer that never materialised, not really kind to offer a homeless person help and not follow through with it), but that person is on the internet and so I don't have to speak to them again.
Then there was someone in the prayer forum saying I had no right to pray for food and warmth and shelter on there, well they weren't there to pray, just to judge, so though that was initially upsetting, that person has no right at all to make that judgement.
Then there was the failed phonecall with the people I want help from, but I have emailed them.
Then there was my Big Issue friend declaring his love for me.
I didn't even get to have my wash and take my medicines yesterday.

Anyway, the night was cloudy and suspiciously mild, it had been raining and I was worried that it would start raining, but I went back to my alleyway anyway. I vomited some of my supper, this is becoming a habit again, time to get some more stomach meds.
I settled down in my bedding and hoped it wouldn't rain, I was tired and warm and I fell asleep immediately. I woke at 2am and it was raining lightly, I got up and went to the toilet, it stopped raining and I slept again, I woke just after 7am and packed up and went looking for stickers in the bins, there were no stickers so I went to the market and the tea stall people gave me tea and toast.

I went and had a good wash and took my medicines. I must cut and scrub my nails later before I see the doctor or he could say no wonder I get sick.

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