Well I have 10 minutes until I lose internet access completely until tuesday, I have no money for internet cafe and the library will be closed in 10 minutes until tuesdsay, this will be a real endurance test as I have no money or food or anything. Tomorrow should be ok though as I will go to church, drink lots of tea and will have supper with my friend in the evening and stay over at her house so that will be ok.

Happy New Year! I struggle to comprehend that tonight is new years eve and tomorrow is a new year, I live cup of tea by cup of tea and meal by meal.

I am just going to tell you some of my childhood songs in a minute and then that will be it.

Hello blog reader, I just went looking for a cup of tea but couldn't find one. I found my remaining ferrero rochers though, so I am eating those and hoping I can trick my system into believing that they are caffiene, milk and sugar enough.
I don't want to brew coffee yet because it is bitter and has dried milk in and that upsets my system, I will have to brew some later anyway because I need hot caffeine drinks, I am tired from last night, the cold and the wet and the lessened sleep always leaves me tired, I am not like P. He can stay up most of the night and still be ok, I need 8 hours or so sleep. I am drinking water from the sink in the toilets and it is a bit stale but at least it is liquid and drinkable.

This is the song I am listening to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fBdat4QeEr8

This is what my stove looks like, it is all I can afford despite the criticism of it, I could never afford or carry a gas one, my stove weighs nothing and works fine when I can afford to fuel it.
http://www.outdoorsmagic.com/reviews/other-equipment/stoves/british-army-hexamine-stove/2906.html

Here's a story, a homeless person was sleeping in a church porch early one morning and along came the priest, 'are you alright there?' asked the priest, as they do, 'yes Father' said the homeless person, 'I thought I'd better sleep here in order to be on time for mass'.

Hm.

I just went looking for stickers and money, I found two stickers and enough money for a tea or some chips, I had chips, I thought that was sensible, a heavy starchy meal that will keep me going for a while, a cup of tea is 60p and chips are 80p. I really want a cup of tea and I feel tired from last night.

Good morning blog, last night was an endurance test.

I went to the Samaritans and saw a samaritan who I have seen before, he got me a cup of tea and we had a good natter. I kept trying to phone P. but he isn't responding to phone or texts, I hope he is ok, he probably is, he is probably in someone else's den enjoying a smoke and a drink and left his phone at his place.

I went to soup kitchen but it wasn't great, there were just two men running soup kitchen and they weren't very pleasent and they let that awful arrogant reeking homeless man help them serve, I couldn't face eating anything he had touched because he doesn't wash, and I know that he shouldn't be allowed to help. So I ended up with no food for the next day, just a swift cup of tea and a sandwich.

Then I had the problem of the weather, the only solution was the porch, and I was ok with that really, but when I went to the alleyway to get my bedding I realised someone had been there, and there were lights on in the building next to the alleyway, which there never are, I know they don't like rough sleepers and bedding being there and so I am worried, I sneak in, grab a sleeping bag and escape, but I grabbed the wrong bag, I got the lightweight sleeping bag, which won't be very warm.

I tried to tuck down in the porch but even with a marvellous warm handwarmer as a hot water bottle and layers of clothing I will not be warm enough, so I decide to do a military raid on the alleyway and get my bedding if it is still there and before it is too late.

I risk leaving my backpack and lightweight sleeping bag in the porch, it is the only time I have left my backpack like this but it bumps against the railings in the alleyway and makes a noise and I need to keep quiet and move fast.
I get to the alleyway and the lights are still on, I creep along the concrete and reach out and grab bedding and tip it over the wall behind me into the car park beyond, I manage to get all the bedding out this way in minutes and then I quickly get myself out and start organizing the bedding to move it back to the shrub. I am breathless and thirsty but I get all the bedding moved, the rain is easing up, and back at the shrub I sort the bedding out and drink from the water canister and take an inhaler. I bag up one lot of bedding to take with me to the porch, and I head there to tuck down.

I have to be careful and stay in the corner of the porch and make sure all the dark coloured bedding is on top so I am less likely to be seen in the shadows, but I end up warm and comfortable as the rain picks up again. It is now 1am, which is very late for me, but at least I will sleep now. My worry here is that it is a weekend night and I am near a pub and really too easy to find by a wandering drunk. But so far in my sleeps here I have been ok.

I sleep and dream the strangest of dreams, I am in some sort of institution, hospital, college, police station prison or somewhere, and I sit on the floor of a corridor, playing with the socket switches, a man comes in, official looking, police, security, ambulance, tutor? He tells me sternly not to mess with things and play with things and then he reaches out and switches on a toy helicopter that lights up and it's blades start whirring, it looks fascinating and of course I want to play with it. (this isn't a sexual dream, I love to play with toys and investigate things and I do play with socket switches when I am nervous like when I was taken to hospital or in prison), the dream continues, I am in a college, we are off on a field trip, there is a blind couple among us with a guide dog, their dog has a puppy as we go on this trip but the puppy is already half-grown and can  stand on it's own two feet, we are obviously at an agricultural show, and I go to get some information about fodder crops for an assignment but I end up writing instead and I write about how I feared I was a schitzophrenic because of my obsession with toys and my odd behaviour and the church trying to force mental illness on me. That was the end of the dream, then I had a short terror dream about being found, I woke briefly and went to the toilet, 5.15am, I don't want to get up yet if I don't have to.

The alarm goes off at 5.45 but forgets to repeat, I doze about until it is starting to get light, I worry I will be seen but no-one is out at this time on a Saturday morning.
I bag up my bedding and head for the shrub.
I sit on the step by the shrub and light my hexamine burner, I brew coffee and fish the tub of fruit and nuts and chocolate out of the shrub and eat the remaining fruit and nuts and some chocolate, have you ever had ferrero rocher for breakfast? I drink coffee and brew more as I sit there in a blanket, the hand warmer from last night is still hot and is in my scarf keeping my neck toasty, it is actually still warm now as I write, they are excellent value for money and it kept my neck warm all nigh, they generate a tremendous heat when wrapped in bedding material or a scarf.
I pack up and put all my bedding away in the shrub, I am lucky to have two heavy duty sacks for the bedding, though the rats have already had a chew at them.
I head into town, it has got light now and time has passed quickly, I go and have a wash in the posh toilets and then it is library time already.
Today is going to be thin unless I find the saturday outreach, I am running low on hexamine tablets again and I have only one sticker for McD's and I feel tired when i think of going looking for more.

This is what I use for cooking http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hexamine_fuel_tablet

There was no welfare meal tonight, they must be having a Christmas holiday, poor hungry people miss out, I don't usually go anyway but it is cold and wet and I needed a cup of tea at least.

when I go on the prayer site to request prayer and pray for others I realise how lucky I am and how essentially healthy I am when I see what some of the other people posting prayers are going through.

I read a book called 'A field full of Butterflies' today, about a gypsy childhood, it is always interesting to hear the differences and similarities of traveller upbringings and it brings back memories of my own childhood, I remember being called 'gyppo' and all the rest of it, and there doesn't seem to be a single gypsy who hasn't suffered prejudice.
I am not a real gypsy, my family travelled and lived a gypsy-like lifestyle, but our upbringing was much more complex.

I read all 291 pages, I can read and write really fast but I would swap that for being able to understand people and communicate with them.

Right, in a minute I am going to face gossip and go to the welfare meal and get a cup of tea, that will lose me internet time but needs must.

It's ok, I am not as sorry for myself as I sound :) I am going to beg tea off the welfare in a minute, they do food but the que is too long for me because of my trouble standing and walking, but I can get a cup of tea and wait for soup kitchen hopefully. I am really worried about the weather.

Raffish was here earlier, he was starting his computing as I went for a break and he asked if I was finishing early :) no, tomorrow is a short library day before a few day's break, and I am hardly getting anything done, I am drafting some of my homeless A-Z for you though.

It's almost time for me to go out into the night, the cold wet night that it is, and I will be alone with my shame and the condemnation hanging over me. Time won't heal this, I will be living in fear of church and police forever and knowing that what has happened isn't right but that I let the church have the opportunity to destroy me because I couldn't cope with anything.

I emailed in reply to yesterday's London email and got a reply to that which said 'glad you are making new friends but don't forget your old friends' I like that :)

No-one except my friend is reading my blog today, it makes me feel less like writing.
It is bad weather and I just texted P. to see if I can sleep on his floor tonight.
V. is in the library, I was worried as to where he had got to but he is ok, he showed me a picture of some friends of his sitting with a tiger and we both agreed we'd like a pet tiger, imagine it, he would send his tiger to sort a few things out, mine would be a purring heater for me and would keep any bad people at bay as well. I don't know what I would feed it though?

I went to the homeless lunch and it was ok, the gossips stayed in their corner and left me alone and I sat with the nice people, it was very quiet and I had a good meal.

The only thing I overheard from the gossips was about one of them, one of the females said 'He only goes to the market in the morning to watch the Birds'
Someone replied to that, thinking they were being clever and said 'The two legged ones you mean'.
I muttered under my breath something about all birds being two leggged you twonks, where is there a four legged bird?'  But someone heard me and started laughing. Apart from that it was uneventful.

I haven't been able to talk to the big issue company yet but I looked it up on the internet.

Last night I went to the Samaritans but it wasn't greatly helpful, I think I am in a place where I can't communicate well or get help at the moment, so I will stop going for now.
I went to wait for soup kitchen and I was greeted by my protester friend, he said that he looked for me when he got back in the morning but I had gone, I told him I hadn't been sure how long he would be gone and I had to move on, he said he had been gone 20 minutes. He asked if I wanted a pound to get myself a coffee but I said soup kitchen would be there soon and that he shouldn't give me money as he can't be much better off than me, he agreed and said he would come to soup kitchen too, he is homeless and lives in a hostel mainly, but he has been at the protest camp for months and has just walked out today.
He tells me that he left for the same reason as I did, he was being treated like dirt, he says that he is tired of dealing with the teenagers who hang around in there and do nothing to help.
We go over to soup kitchen and I am pleased to get a tuna and cucumber baguette which I eat my way through very happily and drink five cups of tea to go with it. The protester (or ex-protester) goes over to the doorway where homeless people shelter and continues to try and pack his things up, one of the other protesters goes over and remonstrates with him, telling him he shouldn't leave, but he is adamant.

An unmarked car pulls up and police officers leap out, but they head towards McD's rather than soup kitchen, 'it's ok, they are just going to confiscate some burgers for inspection' I tell the lady on soup kitchen, but then she wants to know where I sleep and who with and I tell her she shouldn't be asking questions like that in front of all the homeless men because it potentially put me in danger, Good God sometimes people just don't realise that asking a lone homeless female where she sleeps when there are all kinds of dangerous men around is stupid! Excuse my rant!

Anyway, I go and talk to the ex-protester, he sells the Big Issue and he thinks I should, so I am going to give it a try.
Then I head home, the sky is clear and the stars are so utterly bright and sparkling that it feels like I could reach up and grab one. it is very cold and the bitter wind is blowing too.

Let me tell you something in case you are ever homeless, don't bed down too late at night in winter, don't get tired and cold and bed down sloppily just because you are tired, make your bed properly at all costs, you need to be warm or you will not sleep well, you could get cold tension which is bad for you or you could get very ill or frostbitten or hypothermic or you might just end up awake because you are cold. last night I was tired and it was cold, I made up enough bed to keep warm though, I didn't unpack all my bedding and use it, but I used enough even though I felt like just lying on the ground with my sleeping bag and dozing off, I also used a handwarmer for extra heat, it is surprising how much heat they can generate. I put it in my pillow blanket, the head and shoulders and neck are the hardest places to keep warm because it is difficult to keep blankets and shawls still there.
The wind made several attempts to remove my blankets and I just anchored down more firmly, the other thing the wind does is keep me on alert as it blows the leaves about and slaps the tarpaulins nearby, it sounds like someone moving about.
I slept well though, I woke at 4am hearing drunken shouts, which is not unusual, and I went to the loo and tucked back down, warm in the blankets while the sky remained clear and it was very cold.

I dreamed I was sharing a room with some Christian girls, I don't know how I knew they were Christians, I was tired and resting on a matress in the room when they all got back from work and I felt ashamed of being so inactive and I got up and told them I was going to clean the bathroom and change the bed and hoover.

My night terrors about the church changed into something unusual - knowing, point after point, that the church really did do wrong to me. Wow. Usually they are busily pitchforking me into hell.

My last dream before i got up was the usual 'being found dream',this time the wall round the alley had gone and the neighbours had seen me and were disgusted, they stood and ranted as I cleared up and scuttled off, then they vanished and I was back in the alley with the brutal safeguarding official from the Hometown diocese staring over the wall at me silently, and I stared back silently.
I woke and scrambled up at 6.45am, I quickly packed bedding into under the stairs and somehow I am going to get more bags and move it all back to the shrub before my luck runs out.

It is a cold clear morning, still with the cold wind. I go to the market for my first cuppa and I take my meds, then I go sticker hunting. I have to deal with the busybody who I call 'gossip' I don't know if I have mentioned him before, he is friends with rudeman and he sneaks around with a vile grin on his face and gossips with the nasy element of the homeless people, he is one of the reasons I avoid some of the homeless meals and things; Anyway, he sees me looking for stickers outside McD's and he follows me, looking in the bins I looked in and then he goes in McD's and starts speaking to the staff, oh come back gossip I want to snap your head off your neck!

I found enough stickers and I go to the other McD's, which I am starting to really prefer anyway, better toilets, easier to wash there in peace, plenty of space and a glorious view from the windows. I enjoy a tea and then someone abandons their latte so I have that as well, seeing as I am drinking from a straw anyway, they only drank a few mouthfuls, I read the papers and eat the flapjack that I saved from yesterday. I have a posh wash in the posh toilets and wander in the direction of the library.

Today there is homeless lunch and I will go to that and maybe take the opportunity to knock gossip's head off. He is a purebred troublemaker and he is proud of it. It will be nice to have a good hearty bread and soup lunch though.

There is bad weather forecast, I am not sure what to do, maybe if P. is lucid I will ask if I can kip on his floor tonight, or I may sleep in the porch that I use in emergencies, Big Issue said he has kipped there sometimes and got away with it.

I just got back from giving the world a good telling off, and it deseved it.

It is wet and cold out there, I am worried about tonight, wet, cold and will my bedding be missing? Will I be safe, will I be dry? Que Sera sera.

I can't gather enough stickers for a cuppa, oh well.

London City Mission

Before I was made homeless and while I was living in the island and working hard, we had some people from the London City Mission to visit us in the island and at house group, they told us of the poverty and desparation in areas of London, places where people were so poor that when they get money they binge it on lottery and other things in the vain hope of escaping their way of life. I fully understand this now since I have been homeless and in the book I am reading, the police officer says exactly the same thing as he journeys through hackney and sees the ques for scratchcards and sees all the betting shops.

It is hard for outsiders to understand this level of poverty and the scornful 'get a job!' isn't the answer at all, if only it was then so many people who have jobs and still live in poverty as I used to would be ok. My disability meant that only in my final job before the church destroyed me was I climbing above the minimum wage, but I wasn't working full time and I was still as poor as a church mouse and so much of my wages went on rent.

God bless the London City Mission, while I was homeless in London they were very good to me.

I just had a lovely email from London, from the outreach worker who was part of the cell group I belonged to. It is nice to have safe communication from other places, I can't safely speak to anyone in Counties A or B, but I know that my friends in London are safe and it cheers me to be able to look back and go back and know they are still there, coincidence that the email came today when I was thinking about London.
They say they hope I will be back that way to see them at some point, I hope that I will.

I am just reading a book called 'Little Victim', it is written by the man who wrote 'Baby X'.
The book brings back memories of my months on the streets of London, Good Lord, I was so very lucky on the streets there, especially when I slept rough in Hackney.
I remember that Sunday morning when I was sitting at Waterloo and some man seemed to think I might either be a prostitute or interested and propositioned me and I turned the air blue with my response, what a dangerous place London can be, I am glad I made friends with the homeless gang that I made friends with, my friend B. was so trustworthy and protective, and one day I will turn up there at the food run and he will tell me off no end for going off and not telling him I was going :) I do feel guilty for that.

I am not emotionally geared up to historic blogging, but the past has been hurting me so much over the last few days that I probably should try.

I just handed in a driving licence to the police, I found it, the police seemed to know who owned it as well. I wonder why I hand things in when I am supposed to be bad. When I was in that town where the church last had me arrested I handed in a pot which had some decent money in it £20 notes and pound and two pound coins and more, I never saw that money again, and knowing the police, they probably kept it for themselves.

At Lunchtime yesterday I went and got the water canister and a tin of soup and set up my stove in the churchyard, I brewed coffee and cooked the tin of soup, then brewed more coffee, I sat in the churchyard with my book and had my soup and coffee, I also found the tub of dried fruit and nuts and chocolate and ate some of that, then I boiled water and disinfected my cup and spoon and put everything away neatly and got rid of my rubbish.
It was nice sitting in the churchyard looking at the long, rusty grass and the sunlight on the tree tops and feeling the bitter freezing wind slicing through me.

It was a long long evening with nothing to do, I went to the Samaritans briefly and had a cup of tea but the talking wasn't helpful.
I managed to keep finding stickers and so I sat in McD's a lot and read my book and the papers. I managed to waste a few hours away like that. When I went out of McD's Scotty was sitting outside with his laptop.
'Are you syphoning wifi?' I asked him, 'Aye, I am', he replied happily, he has missed the library as much as I have. We sat and chatted, his lighter ran out when he tried to light his roll up, he asked if I had a lighter and I had plenty of lighters for my stove, so I gave him a brand new lighter and he gave me a McD's card with five stickers on it, and I already had two, so I had enough to go back in and sit with yet another hot drink while Scotty wandered off as the wifi hadn't been working very well. (He is actually sitting nearby in the library now, on his laptop and enjoying the wifi).

Somehow I managed to keep indoors and out of the cold wind most of the evening and I was a lot less tired. I did have terrors and distresses of the church overwhelming me and I wished I wasn't alone.At 9.30 the toilets in one of the car parks were still open and warm and so I have survived this first long run of bank holidays without being too hungry, thirsty or lacking in toilets.

I waited for soup run and one of the big issue sellers stopped to speak to me, he is always so negative though, he reminds me of Carl in Hometown.
Soup kitchen had a clothing run with it, and I took some teeshirts and jumpers and socks and a scarf because all my scarves were pinched. I also took enough food for the next day.

Then I went back to my sleeping place, I was really worried when I got there and could see someone had been there, the only thing they had taken was my spare coat though, but they had left an empty bottle of methadone and some blood. I don't want to be associated with drug use here, I am on thin enough ice sleeping here when I know that the owners of this alley disapprove, so I threw the methadone bottle over the wall and decided that as it was 11pm whoever had been here had probably gone and wouldn't come back tonight.
I bedded down, the wind was cold and the temperature was low but I got comfortable and slept, my dreams were cartoony and I couldn't remember anything when I woke up.
I set the alarm for early, thinking it would be a good idea to try and gather my bedding in it's disintegrating bags and try to move it back to the shrub, but I was too tired to get up at 5am and I stayed in the blankets until 7am and simply risked putting the bedding under the stairs again.

I had no money and didn't want to go to the tea stall, so I went looking for stickers again, I got as far as five stickers and couldn't find a sixth, as I looked one of the protesters came along, for some reason he asked if I had had a rough night, I said no it was ok, maybe because I was still wearing my hat and coat he may have thought I had been cold in the wind. He was heading off somewhere but he said he would buy me a coffee if I was there when he got back, the problem was he didn't say when he would be back, and I didn't want to hang around too long, I did a circuit of the bins in the area but he still didn't come back, so I went further away, checking bins that I don't usually check, I asked God for one more sticker but he sent me a £5 instead, as I walked I saw a crumpled bit of paper that looked potentially banknotey, and it was that £5, so I thanked God and went to the market for some tea.
By that time it was wash time and then library time, I have my library back until Saturday afternoon. Then more non-library days occur, but I have survived the longest lot of bank holidays now.
It is raining today as well.

Yesterday evening was one of the longest most empty and depressed evenings there was, I walked and walked around with nowhere to go and no one to talk to, I felt lost, lonely, sad, low, useless. I got enough stickers for a cup of tea at one point and I also discovered that the shopping centre was open late and I could use the loo there, it is so different from last year when there was nothing and nowhere to go. But still it is lonely and miserable.
I was so tired yesterday, I felt like I never woke up. And by 9.20pm I was collapsed in my blankets and asleep immediately, I never even brewed a drink on my stove as I planned to, never mind soup kitchen, I was exhausted.
I woke briefly in the night for the loo, and that set off the night terrors about the church and what they did. I slept and dreamed of the Bishop deciding he was not retired and coming back to his old Cathedral, I dreamed about the Cathedral with it's pompous clergy and clean choirboys, I dreamed about a couple in county A who had decided something about living on the park and ride route for their children's sake and they were talking about how there were three park and ride routes, no idea what that was about.
I dreamed lots of dreams last night and had lots of distresses but I can't remember all of it, there was light rain forecast but none fell on me, I was warm and comfortable and slept until 7.30am this morning, I got up feeling tired.
I remember a dream I had just before I woke, the usual fear dream, I dreamed I had been spotted by the owners of my alleyway, that they had opened a door that is not in use and were putting a dustbin out, I got up and grabbed my bag and a blanket and ran away, I was chased and hid in some rubbish, but when I was found, the people who found me were not chasing me, just guarding the rubbish, and they were ok.

Anyway, when I woke up and stashed my bedding I went to the market, I need a break from the usual tea stall so I went to one of the other stalls that I know, I had a tea and toast and sat on the bench feeling tired, my friend from the tea stall came over and said hello, I think he realised I wasn't really awake though.

I went and had a thorough wash and meds and change of clothing, I was a bit worried because this morning I am bleeding quite a lot when I poo and on it's own, I have a feeling that that may be caused by the anti-inflammatories, I gather that they do that.

I am doing well for stickers today, which is good as I am running out of money. I have very little food left apart from chocolate and christmas goodies as I didn't get to soup kitchen last night, I wonder if I will have the energy to get there tonight?

I sat in church and read a bit of my book earlier, I have to get through today and then the library is open tomorrow and I will be ok until it closes again on Saturday afternoon, Sunday will be ok with church and staying with my friend and then there will be a few more bank holidays to endure before everything returns to normal. But the worst thing is being out of money for a long time and not really wanting to see my market stall friends because they got too involved and I was getting stressed, it just needs time and space.

Gritted teeth, depression and despair, isn't it funny to think that I live in a library and am lost without it?

I feel so small and useless and sad. :(

The avid english blog reader is obviously being automatically updated on new posts on the blog, that makes the english reader potentially the diocese being too interested or a spambot. Hm, don't worry I am more curious than obsessed, I would like to climb into the computer and follow the statistics back to the people reading the blog, there are several regular english readers and one fairly new one who is reading a hell of a lot of blog.
Canada and America (if I may call it that) read the blog fairly frequently as well.

Today I have depression sitting on my shoulder, partly because of it being post christmas etc as everyone does, and partly because I am so bad at relationships, I do not trust people, and the church made me feel like I was a terrible person for my inability with relationships.

I am very sleepy and tired today, my eyes aren't very interested in focussing on anything, they want a Christmas holiday I think, I slept enough hours last night, so I don't know why I am tired. 2.5 hours light sleep, 6.5 hours deeper sleep? or is my maths wrong? I have always been someone who needs plenty of sleep, trying to live in the neurotypical world is hard and tiring.

I am raiding the chocolate stash as I work.

Good morning blog. There is no one reading today, maybe I scared them off :)

Well yesterday evening was long, I went to the Samaritans and nattered and had a cup of tea.
I sat around in McD's and felt tired.
Then I went on a sort out frenzy with my bedding and stashplaces. I got rid of all the wet manky bedding from under the fire escape, I filled all the litter bins in town with it, just to puzzle the council.
I sorted out all my stashplace clothing and bedding, what a mess, and left just one bag of food and clothes and oddments there, some of my bedding did remain missing, it was my pillow bedding, cushion, scarves, shawls etc, good thing I had Patrick with me as he was usually in there. So anyway, my nice lions club parcel and pillow bedding were gone, who would do that to a homeless person at Christmas? Thankfully with my new sleeping bag and blankets, I was not short of bedding anyway and I used a blanket as a pillow last night.

Anyway, I was really tired but I stayed up for soup kitchen and got food for the next day and some Christmas goodies.
Then I went to bed down, but despite having plenty of clean dry bedding I was tense and couldn't settle down and sleep, it was 1am when I got up, went to the loo, settled more comfortably and slept deeper, but I dreamed, a long vivid full colour dream about being ashamed, being in court on trial, and the trial went on and on and hurt and hurt, then I was back with my friends here, ashamed of the trial and my friends knowing, ashamed of my struggles at college for some reason and just feeling very small, as I do anyway but I try to push my feelings away all the time.

I woke up at 07.30 and risked leaving my bedding under the stairs where I am not supposed to leave it. Then it was 08.00 before I got to the market and the tea stall wasn't open, I went to the other tea stall that was and got a cuppa to take my medicines with, then I bin hunted but unsuccesfully.

( I do always cleanse my hands after I take anything out of the bin, I carry bottles of handwash gel, recently the pump on the bottle was broken, which may have contributed to me getting infection as my hands weren't washed as soon after bin raiding as they should have been).

Anyway, the tea stall people turned up, but no one was in a very good mood. No one ever is after Christmas, town was busy with sales crowds, I had hoped to go off adventuring today and tomorrow, using the free tickets I was sent, but sadly they aren't valid from this town, I would have to go to the next town to use them
which I decided was too much expense and certainly too far to walk very quickly, 40 miles and more.
It is a pity, but what is sensible? using the last of my money in order to use these free tickets and use the empty bank holidays up with travelling? or stay here with nothing to do and spend a little bit on internet and know where I am and that I have guarunteed food and a sleeping place.
I love travelling and I wish that I could just go and roam around on these tickets, but I can't. Unless I find some money.

Here I am. It is mild and cloudy, last night was mild and cloudy with no rain, colder and clearer towards morning and cloudy again now, it is going to stay like this and it will rain late tonight apparently.

If I ruled the world I would have my own toy shop and my own soap shop, that way there would be times when it wouldn't be crowded and I could smell all the soaps and play with all the toys :)
And I would decree that buying people scrachcards for christmas would be illegal, because that is not an act of love, buying someone a bit of paper that may or may not win money? Grr :(

Turn the blog into a film, it would make millions, especially the Christmas scenes

English person reading my blog even in these holiday days, let me just say something in case you are from the Hometown Diocese. This blog was started as a kind of suicide note because I did not believe I could survive what the church and diocese did to me and I wanted my side to be heard, I maybe intended killing myself this Christmas, having shared my story and knowing that every Christmas hurts and I am alone. But the blog itself has changed things for me, and things have changed, the pain is shared and it is in the blog and less sitting in my head hurting me and unspoken, though it does still hurt and I still feel that the injustices and untruths and wounds are too bad to dwell on at all and I shut them out in order to go on living.

Thank you God for a better Christmas

Christmas eve continued. I had enough time to make a cup of tea in my tin mug and write out a few cards before heading for mass. I was short of breath as I headed for mass, and I didn't have an inhaler with me.

There was an accident near the bed and breakfast, it didn't surprise me, Christmas eve turns drivers into maniacs and I had nearly been wiped out twice by speeders today. I remember one year when I was delivery driving on Christmas eve and my friend Poppy warned me to be careful 'because of all those mad drivers' and I was in a very near miss on a roundabout with a possibly drunk driver.

I got to mass and one of my friends, all dressed up to serve on the altar, gave me a hug and I gave her a card, she is always cheerful but tonight she has a cheshire cat type huge grin. She directs me to my other friend who I can sit with but who will have to get out to read lessons and prayers during the service, we all have lighted candles and the service is done by candle light.

My friend who is serving the altar goes a bit mad with the incense and when the gospel is being read it is near where we are sitting so I start coughing.
It would make a good headline 'Homeless girl killed by incense at midnight mass'. Hm.
As the table is prepared she is sitting on the floor thoughtfully swinging her incense and looking worried, maybe she thinks it will run out.

I really enjoyed mass, the sermon was good, it was fun and the priest was handing out chocolate after the service. My friend who I sat with had guests for Christmas but she said if I would like to stay with her next sunday then I could, I thanked her cheerfully and wished her a happy Christmas. I really enjoyed midnight mass and was looking forward to my own style of Christmas as well.

I went back to the bed and breakfast via the dangerous street, which was beginning to calm down by now, though there were police everywhere. I got in at 1.10am and had another cup of tea and watched some Christmas songs on television before falling asleep.

In the morning I woke up a bit later than I had expected and woolly headed but not surprising considering how late I went to bed. I decided that Jesus wouldn't mind if I stayed in rather than rushing to get myself ready and going to the packed Christmas morning service half an hour's walk away. I hydrated myself and opened the windows and took my meds in the hope of staving off the usual pain and fuzziness that comes from hot indoors. It worked, the fog cleared. So did the flashbacks, thankfully.
So I settled down and watched my favourite programme, 'my parents are aliens' for a while and had a shower and some breakfast. Then I headed for the charity christmas lunch.

The Christmas lunch hall is open from 11am and they ply you with hot drinks, soft drinks, fruit and sweets until lunch at 12.30, and there is entertainment on a stage all day, the event goes on until 5pm.
I was worried about coming to this event in case all the drunks and troublemakers caused stress, but my friend who volunteers here has been telling me for weeks that it well managed and safe and he will keep and eye on me.
When I arrive at the hall my friend is there on car park duty, he hugs me and leads me in and makes sure that other volunteers look after me, one of the other volunteers makes such a fuss of me, well two of them do in fact, one who I know from homeless lunch and one who I don't know but who decides that he is now my friend.
I am lucky and relieved to find that I am on a quiet long table and on an end, my companions are an old lady of 92 who is very coherent and easy to communicate with, and a cheeky middle aged couple, then there is a big gap and three other people on the far end of the table out of our reach.
We pull crackers as we wait and I get a miniature set of skittles with a little ball, so I play skittles while the others keep retrieving the wayward ball for me and laughing. So I am relaxed, when I first arrived I kept going outside, as I am allowed to, because I was so nervous, but I settled down and was ok. We had a lovely full christmas dinner followed by christmas pudding and ice cream, then we sang along to songs and carols and took part in quizzes and bingo and had christmas cake and mince pies.

There was a clothing store and food parcels and presents, and the volunteers also offered me a night in a bed and breakfast, but I politely declined and was to embarrased to tell them I was already checked into the bed and breakfast for the night, they asked if I needed any bedding, I said yes please, because I thought some of mine had been taken, (It turns out that someone seems to have taken my lions club parcel but my missing bedding has turned up now), but the people got me two new blankets and a sleeping bag and a 'homeless' food parcel with all ring pull tins and packet soup and rice, things I can use.
Everyone was so good to me, and there was endless tea and sweets and good things, I had such a lovely day and I wasn't sick once, I kept having to use my reliever inhaler and taking anti-sickness medicine but I was ok. I was wearing a silly grin all day and it refused to be removed.

The only problem I did have was when it was time to go. I was heading for the door, heavily laden with sleeping bag, blankets, clothing, food parcels when a female volunteer came up to me and asked if I needed a lift home, I said that only if they had a spare driver as it was all uphill to walk, she asked where I was going and I said I couldn't tell her in front of everyone, (lots of strangers who were guests all around us), she said how would they know where to take me then? but she took me out to the porch to ask me, I didn't like her, as she asked again a rather unstable man came in shouting, so I again couldn't say anything, he was shooed away by another volunteer, but then the lady was impatient even though I hadn't had a chance to speak, and said well how could they take me anywhere if I din't say where. She went over to the man who had been so nice to me earlier and started talking about me, he moved to come over and she said about me 'she might not want to know you either', which was rude and horrible and I told her so, the man shook hands with me and said that he was my friend and if I ever saw him in the street I should come and say hello and that he was sorry I didn't want the night indoors, he intoduced me to a man who was doing driving and told me to tell the man where I wanted dropping off, so I did and I told the driver about the rude woman as well.
The driver was nice, and he dropped me off near my stashplace and I busily sorted and stashed.

But I was so choked up about that rude woman that I went back and told my friend who was still directing cars off the site, he was very cross about the woman and took me to speak to the event manager who apologized and said that he would have words and said he personally invited me to come back next year, I was amazed at how my friend and two other people backed my complaint up and were so nice to me, I suppose after what the church did to me I never expect to be heard or supported, anyway I told the manager that the day had been my best Christmas day ever and that I really appreciated the event and that I knew everyone else did. Despite the rude woman my heart was full to the brim with happiness and contentment, I had had a lovely day, and I know I have real friends here.

I went back to the bed and breakfast and lazed briefly with some television, I pushed the flashbacks from my mind, picked up a happy christmas text that came through from county A, and then got out of my lazy stupor and did what no-one does on Christmas day and I never do - the chores.

I soaped and washed my underwear and socks and thermals in the sink, put them in the shower tray, took a shower with them and soaped, rinsed and wrung them and left them to drip, I sorted out all my posessions and got rid of any junk, I boiled kettles and scald disinfected my tin mug, saucepan, hexamine burner, combs and toothbrushes and anything else I could think of - my recent trip to the doctor highlighted that I need to be vigilant about hygeine, 'A hazard of the lifestyle' he told me as he gave me the prescription.
I swept and cleaned the room, I hung the clothes on the radiator to dry, I boiled rice for supper, I massaged my legs and feet to help with my walking, I shaved and moisturised everything, I sorted out my meds for the morning, I cleared all the manky old soup packets from my brew kit and refilled it with the new coffees, fuel tablets and lighters and packed the backpack ready for tomorrow, and then I settled down to watch comedies and Christmas music.

I woke up this morning muzzy achy headed, well i had to keep the radiator on all night to dry the clothes. I tried meds and hydration but the muzziness and headache remained, as well as shortness of breath. When I woke up I sent the phone flying and was having flashbacks as well, not a good start.

I put the television on and watched 'the bear' which reminded me of London, and I wish I could skate on the thames. I wish I could be in London skating on an outdoor rink.
I had a shower and packed everything carefully.
I walked up through the quiet streets, it is lovely when the roads are wet because there is no traffic drying them.
I had to stop because I was tired and fuzzy and out of breath and I sicked up my toast, dammit.

I got to town and found it fairly busy, there was one tea stall open on the market, not out tea stall, but I got a cheap strong cuppa. The toilets are open, which shows that I am just in a better town than I was in last year. The internet cafe is open and so I came to the computer to try and unload this backlog of blog.

I had heard about an open house run by 'the outreach' today and was unwilling to go because I thought it might be the homeless outreach who I don't like, but the more I thought about it the more I thought it might be salvation army, so I walked up there, a smiley woman greeted me and confirmed it was her outreach and that I was welcome, she put me with her friends who had just arrived, including two very active young boys and we all gelled and had fun and loads of food and sweets and nice things, I was given loads of food and blessings to take away, and a vicar involved with all this made sure I knew I was welcome to his church and to ask for help if I needed anything, he was very enthusiastic about my lifestyle and told me how he had lived in a tent for six months and loved every minute of it.
I am here with huge amounts of food, I stashed loads of stuff this morning, there are toilets and McD's and Samaritans open, so so far I am surviving the endless bank holidays just fine. I also got given a small amount of money.
They gave me a big bag of dried fruit and nuts, which I am chewing on now, they also gave me a box of ferrero rocher though, what is a homeless person supposed to do with those? keep them for a dinner party with fellow homeless people? :-D

I did sick up on the way back. Christmas is not good for my miserable old tummy.

I am an old crock, aren't I? My biggest worry is that the rogue wisdom tooth is threatening to abcess and my dentist is away until the new year. I refuse to take metranidazole again as it nearly kills me, the stuff that the dentist puts into the abcess actually heals it. The tooth itself cannot be removed as it is too close to a nerve in my jaw.

Merry Boxing day! Here I am in the grotty internet cafe, trying to catch up with my blog, it doesn't matter how many times I ask for an hour on the internet that woman gives me half an hour! grr.

Well I will start catching up my blog and continue later.

I went to the bed and breakfast on Christmas eve, had a hot shower, settled down to watch Christmas television, mainly Christmas songs and comedy.
I was going to have a sleep and then get up for midnight mass, but I didn't sleep. at almost 10pm I walked down to soup kitchen to wish my homeless friends a merry Christmas, but soup kitchen didn't turn up, they were supposed to turn up every night despite it being Christmas, and none of my friends were there anyway, there was a new guy going on about how he got a life sentence while his friend only got 9 months, no idea what for, but I didn't really want to know, there was a very drunk or drugged girl begging for change, so I decided to go and get a cup of tea from the bed and breakfast before mass.
As I walked someone shouted me, it was a lad from the protest camp, he said to me that he was on my side and always had been, and that the mentally ill girl had long since gone and that he didn't like her, he said he was sorry for what I had been through and was going through and that he had been through it all too. I thanked him and told him that all the conflict was water under the bridge now, I had been startled when he shouted me because I barely recognised him and had mistaken him for one of the outreach workers momentarily.

I went back along death row street, the dangerous one, police and ambulances and flashing lights everywhere, blood on the ground, the police were pinning someone down while they waited for a cage.

I will have to stop here and continue later.

Here I am again, I am waiting a bit to go to the bed and breakfast, the tea stall is now closed. Town is fairly busy and there are already drunk people louting about.

I feel a bit strange with no christmas preparations to do, I remember when Christmas used to be everything, the carol singing round the villages, the christmas shows and plays and parties and preparations, carol services, nativities and crib services and Christingles, excited shopping trips to get the goodies and presents for friends, sending cards, helping with Christmas fundraisers for charities etc, now it is just a question of where to go, how to survive the bank holidays.
Nevertheless, it is the first christmas free from the church, and despite the lurking bad memories it does feel ok.

I am not loved or wanted, but I am content, I am lucky to have what I have.

Happy Christmas!

It looks like I will be able to be online intermittently over Christmas.

I have been shopping, town is quiet, the tea stall is not busy enough to need me and they will be packing up soon. I wish the tea stall man would stop trying to anylyse me and delve into my past, it is beginning to affect me. I do not know how to explain to him that it is not a good idea, I know he means well, but he is getting carried away with it.

I am here and the internet cafe is quieter now. It is freezing cold outdoors, with steel grey clouds. I will be glad to go to the bed and breakfast in a few hours and have a warm soapy shower and wash my hair. I am pretty much all set for christmas, all the meds I need, all the food I need, new bootlaces, etc.

I had a nice e-card today from my old counsellor.  I also had an email yesterday from someone in Hometown, but I cannot put myself at risk by acknowleging it in case it gets back to the diocese as it used to. I know my counsellor will not correspond about me, but there is no one else in county A now who i feel safe with and am in contact with.

merry christmas eve!

we wish you a merry Christmas eve, here I am, in a dirty internet cafe full of creepy men, blogging because I need blog, and on call to help on the stall because they aren't too busy yet.

Last night the library closed and I went along to the Samaritans to give them a Christmas card to thank them for being a lifeline to me. Then I wandered boredly in the direction of soup kitchen, I was quite surprised when I counted my money as I have more than I thought, so maybe I can stay in the bed and breakfast one extra night.
The lions club came and gave out Christmas parcels at soup kitchen, a big rectangualr gift wrapped box each, with a card, my box contained chocolates, pringles, toiletries, socks, gloves, scarf, hat - all good quality, a pair of leggings - great for when I wash my thermals, a pen and notepad, comb and toothbrush, a small torch and spare battery. All in all a good parcel. I put it on a ledge in my alleyway and hoped that the rats were away for Christmas.

It had stopped raining and was cloudy with a bitter cold wind, I settled down but the wind was biting me even in my blankets, I didn't expect the sudden drop in temperature as the sky rapidly cleared. I woke up cold at 1am, tucked up more snugly, but slept lightly in the freezing cold, instead of lying cozily in the bedding like yesterday I got up when my alarm went of at 6am and staggered into Christmas eve.

I bagged up my bedding and my Lions Club Christmas parcel and stashed them, and I bagged up my feather sleeping bag and sadly threw it away as it had got badly torn when it caught on something, as well as getting very wet in the weather.

Then it was time for tea hour, which started at 7.30 and only finished a few minutes ago, my friend bought me tea and a sausage roll, it is not too busy down there so I am 'on call' to go back if it gets busy. I have had a wash and my meds and I feel ok. Walking well.
Town is not too busy, today will be ok for me, I will go and help if needed and I will do some small shopping and possibly pop back to this vile cafe full of wierd men.
This afternoon I will go to the bed and breakfast and I will have some tinsel and maybe a minature tree for decoration, I will have food and drinks and television and showers and plenty of solitude, what more could I possibly want? I think that I am quite lucky this Christmas after all the bad Christmases, I am lucky, I am free from opression and fed. What more could I want? :) Apart from internet access without these creeps getting too close.

In an hour I say goodbye to the blog for a week, I say goodbye to my facebook friends and my prayer friends and my emails and I go out into this adventure of a cobbled together Christmas. I will be 'working' at the market tomorrow, then it will be bed and breakfast, midnight mass, charity christmas day, and a lot of time out there alone, a bit daunting but an adventure nonetheless.

Have a blessed and peaceful Christmas everyone, thank you for keeping me company and listening to my story.

well, I wandered off, I wandered round shops and had people trying to collide with me, but the good thing is that I found gell insoles at a decent price, a rare find, that will help to ease some of the strain on the tired legs and feet :) I had to break my bootlace though.
It is pouring with rain but it is due to clear up later.

It's raining outside, the air is fresh and cold and it is beautiful in the dark with all the lights and all the shoppers, I am torn between being here and staying out there, I just went to get a hot drink from the market and I was tempted to stay out.

I feel so silly talking about the things I got wrong that let the diocese get me, and too ashamed and shocked to talk about the polcie matter, but I will in a minute. I am drafting it, I will tell you the bones today hopefully, then after Christmas I will add to the bones.

I just read a book called 'rape', it tells the story of another unbalanced system like the Island and church systems, a small town in America, the story tells of how a woman is gang-raped and beaten and her young daughter is beaten too, and because they have the wrong people in this place against them, it looks like there will be no justice. :( I know it isn't just me, the world is full of injustices, large and small, every day, but the world and human beings aren't all bad.

waves of bad memories and distress and despair started hitting. How can I cope? Well I just have to keep repairing the little punctures in my bubble with memory blanking glue, otherwise I would be likely to attempt suicide from distress, and then the church could have their triumphant 'see, she was insane!'. Thier attitude makes life unbearable, their refusal of responsibility, especially for their repeated and damaging interventions since I came back to England, and their cold callous police attacks on me for my reactions.

Random thoughts, there was a lot of rustling in the alleyway last night, I thought it was the rats and I worried about the food in my bag, but when I walked into town the wind was quite strong, so it could hae been the wind.
I like the dark early mornings, I wish they never had to end. The sky lightened but was full of dark clouds, it is dark clouds and a lovely strong wind out there, I genuinely love this weather.

I am finding it hard to be in the library even though this is the last day.

Earlier I was remembering some homeless person somewhere who was drunk and was adding ketchup and pepper to their tea, I wonder where that was?

I wonder how my homeless friends in London are doing? They have a lot of Christmas meals to go to but the reality is that homeless is homeless no matter how many meals you go to. God look after them.

My new trousers are covered in paw prints from the lurcher/kangaroo cross who kept jumping up at me last night. I wish with all my heart that I could get my clothes washed for Christmas but I only have the clothes I stand up in, so they will never get washed, apart from the socks and knickers, and I will try to wash my thermals in the bed and breakfast.

I still think I would be better off on the moon, human beings don't make sense. Life would be better for me if it was all done through books and writing and no actual human contact

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fbHrzHL_Lz0&feature=related

Jesus is better than Christmas cake, He always has been.

My last day in the library, and it will be disrupted as I go to help out at the market.

Last night I went to the samaritans and had a cup of tea with them and a chat about the weather and whatever, I can't talk about the past. They also let me bathe my infected eye with warm water, which helped it immensely.
Soup kitchen was uneventful, well almost. I got there and there was a guy there who is friends with my Big Issue seller friend, he doesn't usually say much to me but today he was chattering away, telling me all the countries he had been to and asking about my life, I thought this was unusual until one of my other compainions told me he was drunk, he isn't usually drunk and he didn't smell of alcohol like Big Issue does when he is drunk, so I didn't realise. Sometimes I am a bit blind. Anyway, I held onto the other guy's lurcher so he could get some food in peace, his lurcher is crossed with a kangaroo I am sure, she is on two legs more often than four.
The drunk man took over the lurcher and was playing with her and when he was offered extra food he told them to give it to me, which they did :) the drunk one doesn't usually worry about me but tonight because of his state he is worried about me rough sleeping.
There was Christmas cake at soup kitchen, so I am happy with that.

I went back to my sleeping place. I am a bit worried about the weather beacause it is deeply cloudy and there was an unforecast shower earlier, but my bedding has remained dry under the stairs.
I bedded down and was happy at how mild it is, I slept well and deeply, had some night terrors and flashbacks about the church and the police, woke up at 5am and went to the toilet, decided it was crazily early and tucked back down into my warm snuggly snoozy bed until 7am and woke up feeling very relaxed and comfy. Who says rough sleeping is all discomfort? I have some lovely night's sleep sometimes, and since I came to this town the terrors and distress have faded since I escaped the diocese and sometimes I feel ok.

Anyway, I bagged up my bedding in new poundland black sacks, remind me never to buy from them again, the black sacks were teeny. I put the bedding in three of them, at least they were easy to carry.

Then I headed for the market, I had lots of tea but didn't have to pay for much as I was given freebie teas and someone else bought me a tea as well. The tea stall man was 'anylising' me and then he said the best thing was that I am honest and trustworthy and that if any jobs came up he would employ me, or something like that. He got me to do the washing up on the stall and make myself tea and toast, and they asked me to come back later today to help out as well. Bang goes my last full day of library!

I went to have my wash and take my meds, the market toilets are very dark to prevent drug users and when I tried to unlace my boots so I could change my socks and knickers, my boot lace knotted and broke and I couldn't see to undo it, so I didn't change my socks and knickers yet, the rest of me is clean though.

calm down english blog reader, the blog is here all the time, unless you are a church person wishing to rudely delete it, in which case it is backed up. :) I don't think you want to delete my blog, I think you are very welcome aboard my blog and I hope you have a good Christmas too. I am going to get jelly slices for Christmas.

It is so hard for me to blog while I am unable to write more about what has happened with the church.

I am hungry, I must go and investigate something edible in a minute. It is nearly the end of the day here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LcNwob_njTY&ob=av2e

Here is something from when I was 12 and 13.

I still wake up with distress about the church but I just grit my teeth and head for the tea stall, usually the distress and memories fade out before I get to the library and I go into my safe little bubble that blocks memories altogether apart from little whisps of memory. Today the island and the sea and the boats keep drifting into my mind.

Good, there is someone from Britain reading the blog, hi, if that is the diocese the sorry, I am still not insane, not in the way you would like me to be anyway :)
I am going to the loo to remove some infection from my eye in a mo, then I will return and keep you occupied by writing random things, my eyes get infected from dust when I cover my head with a blanket at night, necessary evil.

It's so hard to write anything because I can't write that last part of the bones of the blog because it is too traumatic for me.

I was just thinking about my sister, how she used to play on the railway line and tell me about her suicidal feelings, how now she doesn't care about me, and wouldn't care if I jumped on that same railway line. Funny world we live in.

I went shopping, it is not too crowded out there, I went to poundland and got packets of three in one coffee, lighters for the stove and  black sacks. :) I am going to buy a few little christmas goodies on Saturday as I am being so careful with my money.

I just went to the doctor, I got more medicines, one asthma prescription and one new prescription and he has referred me for an x-ray as well. I happily tell the chemists that I am prescription junkie as I go in there for yet another prescription.

It is busy out there so I haven't gone to get my coffee or black sacks yet.

I just went to the outdoor shop to panic buy some fuel tablets, I needn't have panicked as they are only closed on Christmas day, boxing day and new years day, and no one lese will be panick buying hexamine tablets for christmas. I also treated myself to a new tin mug as I long since lost my thermal mug and the tin ones are easier to clean and more hygenic than fishing old takeaway cups out of the bin to re-use.
I got some 'handwarmers' as well, they are cheap and on cold nights they turn into little hot water bottles for a rough sleeper, ensuring she can warm up quickly in the sleeping bag.

Now all I need is black sacks and coffee sachets from poundland.

I saw one of the protesters the other day, as I scuttled about in the alleyways, he was selling the Big Issue, he asked how I was and we talked, he told me that that mentally ill girl never comes to the camp any more, and that a lot of the protesters who were there from the start have chickened out because of the weather : D. Well it seems that I am at peace with the protesters and the thug who grabbed me and tried to make a citizens arrest is never there any more, and when I do see him in town he is very quiet, not loud and shouty as he used to be.
Happy endings.

I feel relaxed, this is the calm before the tough patch with no library to hide in. I am enjoying a cuppa and some aniseed balls and having more money than usual due to the salvage money I got for  my computer and not having to shop for clothes.

Right, time to dream up a survival plan for the Christmas bank holidays: I am actually doing so much better than last year already!

What are the essentials when the holidays mean that everywhere is closed? warmth, shelter, water, hot drinks, toilet access.
I found a large canister of water the other day, unopened, I think it literally fell off a delivery lorry and was lying by the roadside, no-one claimed it after a few hours so I went and put it by my bedding, that will go a long way towards keeping me from thirst and ensuring I have water to brew hot drinks.

What I need to do today is go and get fuel tablets and packets of coffee sachets to last over the holidays.

Christmas eve is the first day of all day library closure, and I will be doing some simple Christmas shopping that day and will spend a large part of the day helping my tea stall friends, then I will be in bed and breakfast after that and overnight, so no cold or thirst, I will also go to midnight mass. I will go to the Christmas service in the morning and then will be at the Charitable open house/dinner for homeless, poor and vulnerable people from 11am to 5pm and then back in bed and breakfast over into boxing day, which is when survival really starts.

The library is closed until the 29th of December so I will be proper homeless, probbaly having to sit somewhere in a blanket some of the time in order to keep warm if I can't walk far. The other options are: The tea stall is only closed on Christmas day and boxing day so I can go there when it re-opens, McD's is open again on boxing day and I will see how long I can get away with being in there, pity my laptop couldn't be repaired otherwise I could sit in McD's and internet and tell you all about it. The Samaritans are open throughout Christmas as well, and if I am luck then some trains will be running and I will be able to use my free train tickets to wander about and keep warm at the same time.

The library is open from the 29th to the 31st and then there are more bank holidays. It isn't going to be as bad as last year but it is going to be tough. The charities are all closed over Christmas as well. The doctor's surgery will be open though.
Toilet access will be ok-ish as long as shops and shopping centres are open for the sales, boxing day will be the worst day.

The weather is set to remain mild and mainly dry until boxing day, it is difficult to get a longer range forecast for this area but London long range forecast says that the weather there will remain fairly settled and mild into the new year. Good. I hope that it is the same here.
Tomorrow is my last library day before it closes, I may be able to get some internet cafe access over Christmas, but you can breathe a sigh of relief and have a break from my blog otherwise.

It's ok, I was only giving up the blog yesterday, not forever, or were you hoping?

I went to drop a letter off for the mission people yesterday after library, I didn't feel like Samaritans, or anything else, I just wanted to wander about, I didn't even feel like soup kitchen, but I went anyway. Soup kitchen was a chicken sandwich and a banana and a futile struggle to get a cup of tea because the hostel lads kept pushing in and the soup kitchen servers ignored me and let the others push in, oh well, I went to McD's instead as I was too tired to stand around waiting and I had enough stickers for a cup of tea.

It was a warm night the ground was very wet from the rain but it wasn't raining, I was very tired and I bedded down and slept snugly, I woke once for the toilet, maybe it had rained very lightly but it wasn't raining, I slept until 7am and reluctantly got out of my warm bedding pile, my black bags had disintegrated so I left my bedding there at the mercy of the haters. I will get black bags today.

I went to tea stall, my friends were there. I was surprised when I went to the toilet and came back and the stall people seemed relieved when I came back and said they worried when I wandered off, I said 'are you monitoring me now?' and they laughed and asked if I would help on the stall on Christmas eve, yes I would, because the library is closed then and I would have nowhere to go.

The conditions of my benefits allow me to help friends, and do part time therapeutic work or volunteer work, so I am allowed to help with washing up, wiping surfaces and getting rid of rubbish on the tea stall to keep me occupied for a few hours on Christmas eve in return for free tea and food. I am happy with that.

Tea hour went quickly and it was time for me to have a wash and the library was already open. I did get my bit of drunk Christmas cake too, but I don't dare to eat it yet.

I am normally too scared of going in the lift with anyone else when it comes to going to the top floor of the library, but today Raffish was waiting for the lift and I am not scared of him, it was also the first time I wasn't too shy to have a conversation with him, usually I clam up when he speaks to me but today he asked what I was doing here day by day, I told him I was writing a blog. I wonder if he thinks I am a bit of a boring one now because I didn't tell him I was homeless and writing my high adventures. The library staff now know I am homeless and they are nice.

I just got a missed call, I am scared of missed calls because I don't know who would phone me.

 I have just about stopped coughing blood now. But I strained my good hip getting into my sleeping bag, so I will have something to report to the doctor in order to be worth his time :) haha.

In a way it's already the best christmas I have had for years because I am free from the diocese and the church people who have hurt me so much, all of them, they are not here and have no say in my life, though the stream of horrifying memories continues to hurt me, especially when I go indoors, and the record and the injustices remain. I am relieved to be free and always afraid that my freedom is fragile.

I just went outside for some fresh air and a walk and cup of tea, popped to see my church doing their nativity, I dressed up as a shepherd for them and smiled for the camera. They told me that someone had been looking for me, one of the church, but she didn't find me.

I went to the market for a cuppa, the tea stall lady told me that one of our tea stall pals had brought her a christmas cake, with the instructions 'keep away from naked flames', I know all my english blog readers will understand that, but anyone who doesn't - Christmas cakes are fruit cakes which are kept to mature and 'fed' alcohol to create the distinct flavour, this cake had been very well fed on alcohol.
The tea stall lady said she will bring me some of the cake. So thats my Christmas cake sorted for this year.

I am struggling to write anything today, I am not feeling too well, I am probably going to have to go outside and try to get my temperature down in the cold air.

I slept in the bed and breakfast last night after doing all my hygeine and sorting out. And as usual the terrors and sickness got me.

Anyway, last night I went out to the meal with the charity, it was only a small group of people and most of them were carers, there were two other people with Asperger Syndrome and I realised why the man at the Benefits office called me 'severe Aspergers', because the other two Asperger people seemed normal. I wasn't 'normal', sitting in the corner of a crowded hot room made me rock and hum, I was having flashbacks as well, and my legs hurt, so I got up and walked around a bit, I borrowed a toy crocodile off the people at the counter in the bar. It was all right really, all in all. The food was good but a bit exotic for me, but hot, filling and edible.

Back at the bed and breakfast I washed my thermal leggings and fell asleep, I dreamed of Janet, dreamed that I found her step-daughter and I phoned Janet about soemthing to do with her step daughter and she seemed delighted to hear from me and wanted to talk, but I wasn't interested, I didn't want to talk to someone who had severely damaged me and made out she cared.

I woke up hot and ill, my head and neck raging and my system full of rubbish, I coughed and I was couging blood, I have been doing for days now, I am seeing the doctor tomorrow and he will confirm it is nothing serious, I coughed and was sick. I am not worried, i just have a bad system, I need re-wiring.

I went down to the market, it has just stopped raining, I got my cup of tea at the market and they gave me an egg sandwich, good idea, I didn't eat breakfast.

I have taken all the pain and anti-inflammatory medicines but my neck still hurts, I need a new one. :(

I don't really feel like writing a blog at the moment.

Well thats the end of my baby laptop. She couldn't be repaired. But the repair man didn't charge me anything, again that is different from in Hometown, where they would have charged loads of money for labour. Repair man says that he will be getting lots of chaep laptops traded in in the new year and he will let me buy one in installments if I want.
I wish everything didn't have to wait until the new year. The whole world has to wait until the new year, it's not fair! and I will have no internet.

The good side of things is that I put a deposit at the bed and breakfast for christmas eve and christmas night, and the money the repair man gave me so he could keep my laptop as salvage will help towards that. :)
I am also being decedant and going into the bed and breakfast tonight as it is going to rain heavily in the night tonight and I am tired of wet bedding, oh how decedant I am. Well, I am glad to be able to be somewhere at Christmas, even just for Christmas eve and Christmas day/night. This was what I asked the charity to help me find out about yesterday.

I am back in the library, having checked into the bed and breakfast and stopped for a cup of tea and to cut and scrub my nails. Tonight I am going to the charity's christmas meal, so in a minute I am going to buy socks and spray deodorant and go back to the bed and breakfast to have a shower and watch christmassy television and rest before I come back out for the meal.

I made a mistake earlier, my doctor appointment is on Thursday, not today, oops.

well the good news is that my money came through today, I was happy with that, I went to see the man in the market and he is prepared to fix my little laptop for a low price so that means I will be able to get internet over Christmas when everything is closed. I will get my little laptop back later today, isn't it amazing that in Hometown it would have cost hundreds of pounds and taken weeks, here it is done in a day at a special price. The man was amazed that I have been living the life I live and that I carry a little laptop at all, though it hasn't worked for months and has been in storage in London most of that time.

I hate to be so materialistic, but money brings instant relief, I put my heavy backpack and jackets in a locker and that made life much more comfortable at once. All I need for a locker in the library is a pound coin, and that means I am not carrying weight or getting too hot.

one of my church friends who works nearby phoned me and arranged to meet for a walk round the park, we had a nice walk and chat.
Now it is time for me to write an apologetic letter to the people at the mission, it isn't all their fault that I can't cope with things.

I went to the samaritans as usual last night, they were as lovely as usual and made me cups of tea. I was very hungry when I got to soup kitchen, they were doing hot pies as soup kitchen as well as sandwiches and kitkats. I took sandwiches and kitkats with me for the next day's food.

Yesterday was an emotionally upset day, one problem after another. But the evening brought one problem that I am baffled by, instead of dealing with people who emotionally battering me for my lifestyle or what they perceive as their 'kindness' to me, I had to deal with my Big Issue friend declaring his complete and utter undying love for me, and telling me that he knew it was unrequited but that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and that he had loved me from the moment he met me.
I am so sad, I don't feel anything for him, and he drinks heavily and has a daughter somewhere, it wouldn't work. I feel very sad for him because when I tell him that I hope that he finds someone else who will adore him in return, he says there is only me. :( I honestly can't understand what he sees in me.

 I keep thinking about Chris, Chris who was shaking when he asked me out, Chris who was so sweet and honest and who got hurt when he got involved with me, because of my battle with the church and police, Chris was a rare one in a ten thousand who I could think of no reason to turn down when he asked me out, I was never deeply in love with Chris but I would have been contented with him, would have married him. Recently a Samaritan who didn't know the full story asked if I could go back to Chris. No I can't, obviously.

Anyway, I went and sat on a bench for a while after soup kitchen, it is not clever to just sit out and get cold at bedding down time, but I was really churned up and unsettled by all the incidents yesterday, not all that I have documented, someone being patronizing and squashing me and then making out that they had 'been kind to me and offered to bring things' (an offer that never materialised, not really kind to offer a homeless person help and not follow through with it), but that person is on the internet and so I don't have to speak to them again.
Then there was someone in the prayer forum saying I had no right to pray for food and warmth and shelter on there, well they weren't there to pray, just to judge, so though that was initially upsetting, that person has no right at all to make that judgement.
Then there was the failed phonecall with the people I want help from, but I have emailed them.
Then there was my Big Issue friend declaring his love for me.
I didn't even get to have my wash and take my medicines yesterday.

Anyway, the night was cloudy and suspiciously mild, it had been raining and I was worried that it would start raining, but I went back to my alleyway anyway. I vomited some of my supper, this is becoming a habit again, time to get some more stomach meds.
I settled down in my bedding and hoped it wouldn't rain, I was tired and warm and I fell asleep immediately. I woke at 2am and it was raining lightly, I got up and went to the toilet, it stopped raining and I slept again, I woke just after 7am and packed up and went looking for stickers in the bins, there were no stickers so I went to the market and the tea stall people gave me tea and toast.

I went and had a good wash and took my medicines. I must cut and scrub my nails later before I see the doctor or he could say no wonder I get sick.

I just went to the charity to get a cup of tea and a chat, they are trying to help with benefits, they helped me to see if my plan for a possible christmas indoors would work, it might well, please pray for that. I also looked at the menu for tomorrows Christmas supper, it looks good. :)

I am hungry, I have had a packet of crisps, a cheese sandwich and a banana today, I need food.

Trying to get me to do an interview by phone just doesn't work, I waited and waited to talk the people who were supposed to asess me for help with anxiety and depression and I was stressed and lost by the time they phoned, I couldn't understand a word the woman was saying, I told the woman who made the phone appointment that it might not work, but she said she thought it would, so I believed her, nothing new there. Anyway I remain unhelped.

I am reading a book called 'No and Me' it is about an Aspergers teenage girl who befriends a homeless teenage girl, fascinating.

I get thirsty at night so I try to have a bottle of water with me, last night at 4am I drank some water and it was ice cold, I wonder if I will end up with a frozen solid bottle of water one day?

People only sing 'God rest ye merry gentlemen' because they feel that they have to.

It stayed frozen and cold yesterday, no thaw, small amounts of frozen snow left but nothing like as bad as last year.

After I left the library I went to the carol service at one of my churches, it was at 4pm, but I didn't settle down and I was crying and upset with bad memories, there was no one there who I could talk to. It was sleet and snow outside but it stopped before I left, I made my way to one of the other churches and there I was ok throughout the carol service, and there was party food and hot drinks afterwards.

I went to the Samaritans and that was helpful, they were generous with the cups of tea as well.
Then I went to soup kitchen, they had a little stove there with real soup brewing on it, it was nice.
Two of the protesters were there, one of the started telling someone else there about me, saying that I was 'a nice quiet girl who kept herself to herself' and saying he worried about me, he was always nice to me, but one of the aggresive protesters was there as well, he didn't say anything until I was talking with some of the others about fake police officers, because I had seen fake police in London issuing on the spot fines, and the aggresive protester snorted and tried to say there couldn't be fake police, but the other homeless people talked him down and said there were fake police! Fake police are rather less well uniformed than real police.
My Big issue friend was rather less than sober but he made an effort at conversation with me.
I wasn't sure how well my bedding had fared in the snow and rain, so I got a sleeping bag and a shawl from soup kitchen, and it is a good thing I did because some of my bedding, including my feather sleeping bag had got wet.

The temperature was in the minuses and I tucked down hoping to get warm enough. it wasn't too bad, but I kept having to get up to go to the toilet, part of the problem is that soup kitchen is too late at night.

Anyway, I dreamed sad confused dreams about church, family, police etc. But just before I woke up in the morning I dreamed I had been found and was trying to flee with my bedding, I often dream things like that, anxiety dreams.

I got up and rebagged my bedding, I went and put it away and went to the tea stall.  Tea stall was merrily adding little tots of rum to people's tea, and they added too much to mine, I don't normally drink but I allowed a bit of rum, after all I have a cold and alcohol is good for colds, but the rum tea was too strong so I didn't drink all of it.

I went to the stores to get more bread for the tea stall people, and had a fresh cup of tea when I got back, the conversations were as much fun as usual.

my hands turned blue when I went to get a cuppa, maybe I should find my other glove, I am good at losing one glove, so when you see a trail of odd gloves round town you know who owns them now.

When I left the library last night it was snowing, real thick snow, I walked up to the samaritans with a sticker cup of tea, when I got there I was covered in snow and it was settling on the ground outside, 'It's snowing' I told the samaritans, 'so it is' they replied, they got me cups of tea and lent me the phone to phone P. He said I was welcome to come and sleep on his floor.

I went to soup kitchen first, the snow turned to sleet and rain, then I went to P.'s house. He was in his neighbour's bedsit, and he said they were both stoned, he said that he was going to stay in there and watch sports until 4am and I could go to sleep in his room, I made a cup of tea for all of us and went to his room to sleep. He said that he probably wouldn't wake up when I went in the morning.
He had told me he had redecorated the room with pictures and things, and I was quite impressed, he had newspaper cuttings, posters, inspirational quotes, pictures and all sorts of things on the walls, and when I turned off the light the room was aglow with luminous stars and other shapes. I took a night time dose of inhaler to keep my lungs open despite the smoke, I only take a night time dose when I have to.

I slept, and woke up at 2am when P. came back and started hungrily eating a sandwich,
'I thought you were staying up till 4 to watch the boxing?' I asked him,
'I fell asleep' he said and climbed into bed, he asked me a load of questions and then fell asleep, so did I.

I woke up as it started getting light, I got up and sneezed, and P. woke up briefly as I got up to go, I said goodbye and headed off to the market, dressed in my new jeans. The roads were frozen and icy, and the cars were driving very slow, there was snow on top of ice on car windscreens but the snow on the ground had all but gone.

At the market there was tea and chatter and freezing cold police officers who had come to get their bacon rolls before they changed into their uniforms and went on duty, they are mainly special constables and so they don't scare me so much as their uniform is different anyway when they are in it.

I went in McD's and had a wash in their disabled toilet, and went back to the market stall and waited for 10.30, 10.30 is church time or library time, and library time is easier for me than church, though it does get a bit stressful at the weekend when there are only a few computers and you get people hanging around behind you and staring at your work as they wait desparately for a computer, annoying and intimidating.

well time ran out when I was writing my last post, and I have made so manny spelling and grammar mistakes in it that it was hardly readable, the library here closes at 5pm on a Saturday and then I have limited internet until 8pm, and limited internet between 10am and 4pm tomorrow. I keep mis-typing and I wonder if I have just written as much as I can today.

Oh well, things that the Aspie girl should not do but feels the need to:

• have a conversation with everything except a human being, all animals and objects and herself, just not people
• panic when sheltering in churches and launch into a dialogue about the problems with church hiarachy
• talking about passers by: 'wow what a tall person!', 'hello polices, what are you doing?' 'why is that man walking backwards?' etc, people are too fascinating.
• stopping every few yards because she can't cope with people around her, they make her dizzy.
• panicking about going in the lift in case anyone else gets in, lifts are scary creatures on their own never mind with other people in
• etc. no, this is boring, I am trying to avoid talking about how I was stupid enough to let the diocese get me arrested and lied about again.

Well I think today is my Christmas day, I am happy. I got my lovely new jeans and knickers this morning, but I have had more presents since then.

I just went to get my cup of tea and then went looking for more stickers, I found one, and I found a Big issue in the Bin and I took it to Big Issue man so he could re-sell it, he was happy with that, he went for a toilet break while I minded his pitch, he told me that he does well at this time of year and that I should sell the Big Issue too. I told him that I couldn't because I didn't have a voice like his, he said I didn't need a voice with a face as pretty as mine, I snorted at that. :)

Anyway, I decided that I had to go to the market to let the tea stall brigade know I was alright because I haven't been there while I haven't had money because I don't want them to think I am begging for freebies but I know they will notice I am not there.
I got such a greeting at tea stall, they said they had been worried for me in the weather and I explained why I hadn't been by. The tea stall lady pulled a big gift bag out of the cupboard and handed it to me with a cup of tea, the bag contained chocolate, crisps, snacks, toiletries and a little book, there was also a card with a banknote and a lovely message in it. I was overwhelmed. She told me that they gave me that money because they knew I didn't do drink or drugs, so I was happy with that too, I can eat now!
Then as one of the tea stall gang started chatting to me, V. came along all dressed up, and told me he was going to a leaving party, then he started chatting to the police who were lounging against the counter having their tea break. Good Lord, I even know the police here, they are part of the tea stall gang!
The tea stall lady told me that I should come along tomorrow as usual and that one of the tea stall gang who I get on well with will be there, she said 'come along and have your therapy', because I told her in my card to them that their tea stall is better than anti-depressants. :) I am looking forward to it.

Here I am eating some of the chocolate as I wait for the market to get quieter so that I can go and get some cheap nice hot food :)

it is wet and sleety outdoors, I went to the toilet to take my medicines that I forgot earlier and I ended up wandering round town looking for stickers, I found enough for another cup of tea, which I will have later, I also found two bananas in a bin, I said out loud to God 'I can't live on bananas', because the only other food I have is two bananas that my friend gave me this morning and two clemantines from yesterday.

I got a text from P. at 1am this morning saying I can go and crash at his place, he's loopy, he thinks I stay up into the early hours, he should know better by now, anyway, I can't text back as I have no credit. I wish he would phone and then I wouldn't feel guilty for not answering and he wouldn't feel like I am sulking.

My friend is now busy until Christmas and can't have me to stay, it was kind of her to have me to stay at all.
Staying with her sometimes reminds me last year approaching Christmas when Jeanette, the friend of the diocese and Bishop took me in and pretended not to know anything about the situation, I am only reminded because my friend lives alone in a similar house with a pampered cat and Jeanette lived alone in such a house only a bit posher and with a pampered dog.  But my friend knows nothing, which tells me that the diocese of Hometown may still not know my whereabouts. My friend is a church reader, and if the diocese of Hometown knew my location then they would ban her from having me to stay.

It is a raw deal for church abuse victims who are homeless, homeless people rely on the church, homeless outreach services, soup kitchens, daycentres, nightshelters etc are so frequently run by churches and religeous organizations, and if you are homeless because of church abuse then you are doubly shamed and shunned and vulnerable, if you have to rely on the same church that damaged you in order to survive it is bad news. And I feel terrible slipping through the net by using a different name.

last night I finished blogging early and went to my friend's house, it was pouring rain and sleet so I was glad to be going somewhere out of the sleet. We had a nice supper and watched television and I had a bath. I slept without much distress and dreamed about a severely disabled girl, I don't know if she was me or not, but she was wheelchair bound and needing care all the time, some of the time she seemed to be me, some of the time she seemed to be someone who I don't know.

I woke up easily in the morning and continued to rid my system of the awful cold that is clearing up nicely now. I feel ok now, and even walking is easier than it was earlier in the week.

We had breakfast and set out into the cold morning to go shopping, we found me a nice pair of jeans and also some knickers, so I am very happy with that. Then my friend went on with her shopping and I went looking for stickers for a cup of tea, I found stickers and also found one of my church/quiz friends struggling along on the ice, we said hello.

I got my cup of tea and here I am rambling away with my blog again.

I went to the doctor's surgery to collect the letter, it is from the people who help with anxiety and depression, they wanted me to phone them, but I couldn't, so the surgery did and the people have arranged a telephone appointment for me on monday, argh, I can use a phone now but I find it hard.
It is still wet outdoors, I didn't find any stickers, I just got a text from P. saying he loves me and he doesn't want me to be out in the cold in this weather and he wants me to go to his house and I should text him. The problem with that is that I have no credit for a text and I am at my other friend's house tonight. I forgot to say that P. text me earlier to apologize for not being in touch yesterday.

I went to the homeless lunch, it was good today, and everyone was nice to me, here I am back trying to remember what happened in the summer, my mind is blank and I can't find the brief account that I wrote and I daren't look at any emails yet.

There are wet white flakes falling out of the sky but it isn't too cold.

I wonder what my nickname is in here, I spend most of the day here, and so I recognise most of the people here, some of them have nicknames from me, 'Hackney', 'Raffish', 'Barbara', 'disgusting', 'worried' and 'social worker'.

'Hackney' are a group of very london people from another culture, 'Raffish' is handsome man with a cheeky grin messy hair, who seems a bit posh and yet is in the library a lot. He says hello to me usually, and yesterday he seemed to want to talk but I panicked and chickened out.
'Barbara' is here doing research all day, she looks so like a homeless woman I knew called Barbara. 'Disgusting' deliberately looks round at everyone and smiles and starts blowing her nose constantly and looking round to see who notices, she does it every day. 'Worried' just looks worried, and 'social worker' looks like a social worker. It has taken all this time for me to realise that other people exist here, I have only begum to notice this more recently. Library people watching.

Hello.
Last night I was really worried about the weather forecasts and the market people scaring me with weather predictions, so when I went to the samaritans I asked if I could use their phone to try to phone my friends and see if I could get a bed for the night as my phone is out of credit.
I tried phoming P. but his neighbour answered the phone and said P. had gone to the shop, I get a few texts from P. every day but I have no credit to reply. He has probably gone and wandered off as he is not there when I phone back later.
I try my other friend who I am going to stay with on Friday night, and I leave a message, she phones back after I leave the Samaritans and says that I can come and stay, so I walk up there, I am walking better, I wonder if the new medicine can really be working already.

I sleep well but I dream, I dream of police, police, police, I dream that I am back in the Island, I dreamed I was at St.C's church but it was partly Hometown Cathedral as well, T. and the brute safeguarding official were standing there, I was angry and threw what I was holding at them, which appeared to be a bag of licorice, they vanished and then there were police walking across the churchyard. I was still in the island but not at the church, my phone rang and it was the sneering scornful police, they told me that sargent ? sent his regards and that I had to report to the police station every day.

I woke up and had the usual bad feelings of the church and diocese being invincible in winning and wiping my side of the story out completely etc and the bad memories.
I had a quick wash and breakfast and hurried out so that my friend could get on with her work, she took my thermal top to wash as I will be going back toher tonight and the weather is just very wet, no proper snow at all. The market people keep going on about snow and bad weather and sending me into a panic, it is never as bad as they say yet.

I walk back into town and here I am, I found two stickers on the way, I need three more so I am going to have a sticker hunt at my next break.

I wonder why I always think of my dad when I am walking along that road between town and my friend's house.
'Shalom Abba, Mah shlomech?'
'Tov meyod motek, bah Shamayim'.

I am sure he is very happy.

Well guess what? I managed to find enough stickers for a cup of tea, that means that the gaps between cups of tea have not been too bad today, but I am imagining the Christmas period with horror, how will I get tea when everywhere is closed? If I get some benefit money then I will be able to buy fuel tablets and coffee to brew on my stove, but what if I can't find water? everywhere is closed and locked up at Christmas, I know that from last year.

As I went to get stickers I was reminded of how people in this town feel the need to walk through you or inches behind you, very irritating.

It is cold and wet out there, but not too bad yet.

Here I am, I feel a bit like crying but that is because people have been kind to me today, usually I don't cry much, but at the moment anything is an excuse for a cry. I have some of my smile back, the smile that worries people. ;-)

I went to the charity this morning, they help people who are on the spectrum that I am on. It was good to just to talk them and they said I can come to the Christmas meal next week.

I also had a phonecall that said that it may be possible to do something about what happened with the church. I hope so, I hope I can go back to my home county one day and use my own name if I want to and be safe from any more church intervention.

Then I went to the doctor, he was very helpful and nice, he says that the hospital don't have a procedure to speed up referrals but that he told them I was homeless in the hope that that would help. He prescribed different anti-inflammatories and painkillers and also put vitamins on the prescription to help me get better from the virus. I have taken more prescriptions for different things to that chemist than to anywhere else ever.

Then I went to the tea stall to take them a Christmas card, they liked what I wrote in it, I told them that I had stopped dreading each day since I started joining in tea hour in the morning, I said that they are better than anti-depressants.
They gave me two mugs of tea for that, and my friend from tea hour was there as well, so I stayed and chatted for a while.

I am warned, and I already know, that very bad weather is on the way, I really need to try and find a bed for tonight, I have a bed for tomorrow night.

Hello new readers of my blog. To help you to understand this blog, it is best to start from my first posts and work up to this point if that isn't too confusing. The day to day blog doesn't tend to have a title and is in this format, historical posts have a title according to the part of my past that they are about and are often also in bold and sometimes in a different text format in order to distinguish them.