I should be in bed, but I am trying in any way that I can think of, to break the cycle of night time waking and distress.
Last night I had another terrible night, and I was very tired and distressed this morning.
Anyone reading this may have realised what I didn't, the London trip did cause a relapse, I have had all the symptoms, tiredness, pain, distress, difficulty walking, sleep and nightmare problems etc.
And the shock JEP article http://jerseyeveningpost.com/
on top of my traumatic written work for 'In Terror' which is on 25,000 words, has left me drained and depressed.
My worst distress and trauma at night though, it the way the NHS have failed and branded me because of the church and police. Being branded in a way that will prevent me from receiving proper and courteous treatment and help, and will put my life at risk in an emergency, as well as affecting me for life, is no small thing. It makes it hard to live, not that the church and police atrocities don't.
Anyway. So this morning, preparing for the hardest day of work I do, working on the estate, I just felt so bad that I didn't want to go to work.
I couldn't let them down, so I went anyway.
I did the litterpick and got on with the mowing. My workmate wasn't working well, standing around and smoking because his weekend drinking was affecting him, which I thought wasn't fair, as I was there and working despite being overwhelmed with trauma and distress and exhaustion.
Anyway, at lunchtime when we finished the mowing, I asked if I could call it a half day and go home, and the boss said I could.
I came home, and I sat in bed and watched episodes from the second series of 'Humans' on my laptop. I even ate a late lunch in bed, I never normally sit in bed or do anything but sleep and pray in bed. But I don't feel right at the moment and I was tired but unable to sleep.
This evening I went to the farm and sorted the animals out, brought some eggs home, then I went and got petrol and groceries when I got paid.
I didn't watch Hollyoaks tonight, I sat here and watched 'Buried Treasure' on my laptop, I haven't seen that for years. It was actually much better than I remember it.
Now I will try to go to sleep.