Sunday

Good afternoon peeps,

I woke up feeling better.

I went and did the farm.
Debated whether to go to church from there, but decided that I needed to rest and sort the flat out.

Which I have been doing, slowly.

The washing machine is leaking all over the floor. That is not good. That is the replacement washing machine which has been a bad replacement for a perfectly good machine, but they though this one was younger, I think it was a needless and bad move, especially as the floor is soaked, but they are out, so it will wait.

I am so tired, I just have to go on cleaning and have a shower and later I will go and put the farm to bed. I am not really able to concentrate very much on writing.

It is a breezy day, sunny and cloudy.

There is nothing decent on TV and I haven't wanted to go out anywhere or do much, I should do music and writing but a lot of the time I see no point.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

I am watching Evan Almighty, Sister Act 2 was on before.

This morning I fell out of bed and into work clothes, and headed for the farm.
The animals were pleased to see me and their breakfast, the breakfast mostly.

The weather was staying dry at first but was due to turn bad, so I didn't leave the greenhouse open or anything.

I nipped in town for some breakfast, and then I was due to do the care home, but realised I would have to go home for my mower!
I can't wait to get a van.

I did the care home until the rain began, and then it was time to get petrol and shopping, an annoying Saturday thing, but the weeks are so busy, I end up as if I was a normal person, doing chores on the weekend.

I have been feeling really low, as you know, and very depressed and angry. Sometimes the horrific injustices override the dissociation which keeps me alive, and I stop coping.

Anyway, the rain continued, and I tried to cope, read the paper, watched a DVD, thought about sleeping.

I decided to skype the doctor, I pay monthly for access to advice from doctors, because the NHS have destroyed me and left me with no access to help. So I pay for private doctor advice. The three-ring evil of church-police-NHS costs me a lot of money when I am still in poverty, and I still can't afford therapy, it is cheaper to pay for the doctor with a monthly fee.

This was to be the first time I dared to actually use the online service, and I was terrified, of course, but after a few problems with the system, I spoke to a very down-to-earth doctor, I told him about my recent problem with sciatica, and he said 'lay off the heavy lifting for a while' (It has been using my workmate's heavy hedge trimmer that has triggered it), and the doctor wrote me a referral letter for physiotherapy. So I have emailed the physio clinic.

Talking to a doctor without being hurt really helped me. I was so anxious, and problems with the sound meant I had to switch to my tablet from the laptop, but I felt much better for having spoken to the doctor, I didn't talk about my state of mind, give it time and I will, but my confidence in medical staff is so shattered that it will take time. It is another thing that needs rebuilding.

Then I finally cooked lunch at nearly 5pm, and went to put the farm to bed, in the pelting rain.

Home again, it really was time for a hot shower and some nice films.
I am all clean and in clean clothes, and feeling a lot better.

The flat really needs tidying, everything is all over the place.

I can't get writing, even though I have a few things I want to write.

Friday

Hey peeps,

Well I slept through the night but with vivid dreams, then this morning the flashbacks relating to the police, church and NHS were horrific and it was hard to work.

The weather was wet and windy and the traffic was bad. But I worked at the marina with the boys.

They were mowing and I was planting, weeding and hedge trimming.

They didn't have a good day, one broken mower and one broken window. Not happy.

I got a good morning's work done despite the desperate distress. Then I finished at lunch time and came home for my lunch.

Unfortunately it started raining, but I headed back out, hoping for the best, but as well as the continued rain, traffic was horrendous, so I didn't get my old lady's garden done, I went and shut the farm up early. Got the animals fed and out of the weather.

Came home, Titanic was on, so I watched that and then Hollyoaks and did meat and bread for supper.

I had arranged with the director of the samaritans to go in and see them this evening. I always think I will be too tired but if I have an arranged time, it helps. There is only one samaritans branch in the district, some miles from home, and they can be short of volunteers, so I arrange in advance to go and see them.

Before I headed out into the rainy night, I offered my landlady some fresh eggs from the farm, I wasn't sure of myself, shy, I didn't know if they ate eggs, but they like eggs, so that was good.

Sometimes talking to the Samaritans helps, sometimes it doesn't. This time I had to try, because this horrible depression and flashbacks won't lift without action. It helped to talk to a samaritan today. He listened and I talked, and he kept saying it was all amazing and incredible, it doesn't feel amazing or incredible to me, but it helps to be reminded that everything, the rough sleeping, the rebuild of my life, are remarkable and it isn't surprising I have bad patches.

I came home through the rain and wind, which are both heavy now, and talking helps my mind to quiet down, so that is why I go to the samaritans occasionally.
So now I will sleep.

Tomorrow looks wet, but I will do the farm, and hopefully the care home as well.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Here comes the boom is on Movie Mix, so I am watching that, old favourite.

Yesterday I went to work down the marina when the rain eased a bit. It was still damp and miserable, with the wind howling in the masts.

I felt tired and grotty.

Recently I come home and sit in the dark, so I did that. And I went to bed early.

This morning I crawled unwillingly to work, started on the cliff top, when my old lady got home from the doctor, she made me a cup of tea. There was a hard rain shower and I sheltered in her porch.

Then I went to the mansion, they had gone away and forgotten to tell me or pay me. And they had bolted one of the gates, so I could only do some work. For some reason the flashbacks are terrible when I am there, and they were today, but I woke to flashbacks and they have been bad all day, all week actually.

Then there was another rain shower.

I had Max booked in for testing at the service station at 2pm, so I had time to get lunch and tea up on the cliffs.
The wind was blowing the waves and my favourite cafe didn't mind seeing me in grubby work clothes and boots rather than the day clothes and study books that they usually associate me with. I enjoyed some time on the cliffs before taking the car in.

I like the service station, they greet me by name and offer me coffee. They took Max, which always makes me anxious, and Max seemed sulky. But he was OK, we have ruled one thing out.

After that, I headed for town, I usually order 5HTP online but I am severely depressed and can't wait, so I got some in town. I looked all round the shop and then found it by the counter, got some on special offer as well.
I always leave things, don't realise, until it becomes a problem, running out of 5HTP, needing a new pillow, needing to use an inhaler, I guess I must still dissociate a bit.

I have ordered a new pillow by the way, there is improvement in my sleeping, but I do need to keep my neck supported better as I don't think the worn down pillow is helping my health.

Anyway, I ended my working day at the farm, I mowed the orchards.
Then I fed the animals and put them away.

I came home, did fish and rice, put the washing on, and it is just lazy tv, I feel a bit better, maybe.

The washing is out, and I am gambling on being up early and getting the washing in before it rains tomorrow.

I am working down the marina with the boys in the morning, and I should be working for my old lady in the afternoon but I am likely to be rained off.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps.

Well I am rained off, but hopefully not for long.

I almost slept through the night, woke briefly but after a minute of distress, I was asleep again.

I woke this morning, wanting to hang on to the vague but comforting dreams, but I felt rested, I also had lingering pain from yesterday. But not too severe.

It was raining as promised, I headed for work anyway, but it was too rainy, too wet, so here I am home, just for another hour and a half, as I will try to work this afternoon.

It is no bad thing being home, as I was tired and in pain. Extra rest is good. I am watching 'Are you being Served'. I did fried egg sandwiches too, the house is full of eggs. I must start distributing them. Did I hear something about a protest at Lambeth Palace?

On the way home I was startled by a large object in the road, I was afraid it was a person, but it was an empty ton bag!
Of course I did my civic duty, I put Max's hazards on and grabbed the ton bag, and seeing as there was no owner in sight, I had to bring it home, so the boys will have a new ton bag with no holes in.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

Today wasn't the usual Take it Easy Tuesday, I worked hard today and I am aching too much, I could end up ill if I can't get the muscles to relax.

It was hot today as well.

I woke up this morning having slept through the night, which was awesome, but I was also depressed, as I was yesterday, so it was hard to think.

I went and did my old lady's garden first, she was happy as she was being taken on a day out, and she was just happy, so that was good, she went off and I mowed the lawns and cut things back.

Then the routine changed from normal as I had work for the property managers.
I headed over there, the sea was full and the sun was shining, so it was busy, I got lunch in a cafe, jacket potato and cheese with a mug of tea, nice cafe, that one, an old favourite.

The DIY shop had no decent brooms, so I went to the good hardware shop, I got a broom, and strolled up the road with it beside me, an old lady said I looked menacing, and I said I didn't mean to, and we laughed. I went in the shop for an ice cream, and they told me I didn't need to sweep the shop today, and we laughed. People are funny.

So I went to do this work, I hate it, I do that job a few times a year, clearing a car park, hate it. Got it done. The head kept coming off the new broom, so it didn't sweep clean. Can't put a nail in it, it has a wooden head and stem but a plastic bracket, which would break if you tried to hammer a nail in it.

On from there, I decided not to do the care home, but to do the farm instead, and be there to put the animals away when I finished.

I mowed the house lawns and some of the other lawns at the farm, but not the orchard, I was getting hot and tired and ill by then, so the orchard will wait. I fed the animals, put them to bed and collected the eggs, I had watered the greenhouse and veg patch as well.

I came home, so tired and aching, traffic wasn't too bad, it has got nuts recently with the start of grockle season.

I have been so tired, just cooked supper, caught up with Hollyoaks, talked online for a long time. Had a shower, and that is it, early night.

My boss and workmate have been trying to work out about tomorrow, we hadn't been able to get hold of the caretaker so we didn't know if I was to do the holiday cottage or the marina tomorrow and it is going to rain hard. The caretaker just texted that the holiday cottage is free from Thursday, which means I will do the marina tomorrow, if the rain is bad, I will do a half day and maybe some more on Friday.

Those of you survivors who are being directed to my blog, welcome. I don't know if this blog surprises you, because I do not live daily in a tirade against the church, I live a relatively normal life, which in itself is proof against the church and their horrific treatment of me and smearing of me.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

I should be in bed, but I am trying in any way that I can think of, to break the cycle of night time waking and distress.

Last night I had another terrible night, and I was very tired and distressed this morning.

Anyone reading this may have realised what I didn't, the London trip did cause a relapse, I have had all the symptoms, tiredness, pain, distress, difficulty walking, sleep and nightmare problems etc.

And the shock JEP article http://jerseyeveningpost.com/news/2017/07/21/comment-complacency-over-inquirys-report-has-been-astonishing/

 on top of my traumatic written work for 'In Terror' which is on 25,000 words, has left me drained and depressed.

My worst distress and trauma at night though, it the way the NHS have failed and branded me because of the church and police. Being branded in a way that will prevent me from receiving proper and courteous treatment and help, and will put my life at risk in an emergency, as well as affecting me for life, is no small thing. It makes it hard to live, not that the church and police atrocities don't.

Anyway. So this morning, preparing for the hardest day of work I do, working on the estate, I just felt so bad that I didn't want to go to work.
I couldn't let them down, so I went anyway.

I did the litterpick and got on with the mowing. My workmate wasn't working well, standing around and smoking because his weekend drinking was affecting him, which I thought wasn't fair, as I was there and working despite being overwhelmed with trauma and distress and exhaustion.

Anyway, at lunchtime when we finished the mowing, I asked if I could call it a half day and go home, and the boss said I could.

I came home, and I sat in bed and watched episodes from the second series of 'Humans' on my laptop. I even ate a late lunch in bed, I never normally sit in bed or do anything but sleep and pray in bed. But I don't feel right at the moment and I was tired but unable to sleep.

This evening I went to the farm and sorted the animals out, brought some eggs home, then I went and got petrol and groceries when I got paid.

I didn't watch Hollyoaks tonight, I sat here and watched 'Buried Treasure' on my laptop, I haven't seen that for years. It was actually much better than I remember it.

Now I will try to go to sleep.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Shocked. Yes. Struggling to finish my very satisfying and thorough routine of tidying the flat and prepare for the working week.

Anyway, this morning I woke just before 7, after another restless night, I showered and dressed, black jeans, work shirt and boots, and off I went to shepherd my little farm.

I took the pigs by surprise, as I had prepared their food last night and they were still sleepy, I remember the intensive pig farm, where the pigs would start shouting at 5am and you had to have ear muffs.

I let the ducks out so they could get food and water first, then the geese.

There were no eggs this morning, but I fed and watered the hens and quails and opened the greenhouse for some air.

Then, it was time to head into town for church.

I nipped into McD's for coffee, and to change my shirt, reminiscent of the good old days when I was homeless.
My black jeans and work boots, as long as I scraped the boots off, were smart enough for church, but my shirt needed changing.

You know how my church never fails to surprise me and come up with new things? This week was no different. They had me helping with Sunday school this week. It has been many years now since I used to do that.

We had a visiting group with children, so Sunday school needed a hand, so I was that hand.

It was funny sitting there with a load of excited children, who kept scattering all over the place, with me having just come from the farm, I was sure God was laughing, especially as the other Sunday school leader was also a gardener.

It was a nice time, I don't mind what I do, to be honest. And after the service, I was surprised that people made a fuss of me for doing Sunday school, they do fuss me a bit, as you know, and as I am the condemned pariah of the church of england, it never fails to surprise me. You know how it is for me? I don't believe either that I am worthy of kindness or that any kindness or friendship will last, and if you looke at the way the church destroyed me and my friendships and communities for so long, the fears are realistic, especially as the church-police harm continues.

Anyway, there had been a party at church yesterday, I could have gone to it but I wasn't really in party mood, but there was lots of food left over, so guess who got to take a bagful of food home?
It means I have a good lunch for tomorrow.

I came home, and started the cleaning and tidying and preparation for the working week, it was all going so well. I also got the new book/report over 25,000 words.

I popped to the farm this evening to shut up, the weather remained so wet, the geese, instead of being norty, were waiting by their hut, demanding to be shut in.

I got some eggs from the hens, I closed the greenhouse, and heavy rain continued to fall as I came home.

I hoped to continue the cleaning and sorting of the flat as well as some more writing, but then I had an utter shock, that has left me bewildered and struggling.

Someone reporting on my case in the JEP again, after the foul, vile, disgusting way the JEP and Jersey press and media have treated me.

But apparently they were criticizing the bad 'uns, not attacking me, nonetheless, after being destroyed in the press and media, especially the JEP, and knowing that any new article gives the haters a change to attack again, and they will. The level of trauma is such that any new shock like this has a severe effect on me, I was left bewildered, you know how I go? Cold, confused, not sure if I have eaten or drunk or washed or what the time is? Yeah, like that.

I am grateful for the support on twitter. I am trying to pull myself together and finish my chores.

Saturday

Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I went to work with my workmate, traffic was horrendous in the morning, and indeed all day.

We did six hours at the retirement complex where the old ladies stampede because they adore him. He calls them his concubines and laughs about it.

There was plenty to do of course, the previous gardeners neglected the site and it is a big site, I ploughed into one area, filling up ton bags rapidly, while my mate got on with the boundary hedge, which takes up a lot of his time there.

The car's best friend came to the site at tea break, to do some checks and work on Max, he tightened the handbrake and ran tests, and has arranged for Max to go to the service station next week for a test, the stupid fault code is claiming we never replaced the catalyst, haha, it may be one of the probes at fault, so we need to have another emissions test to start with. Anyway, various things and prices and things, stupid car.

Anyway, the site manager at work asked me to plant up some tubs, so I had a break from heavy clearance, still filled 4 ton bags, overdid it a bit and felt a bit sick, but at least the cool breeze and cloud helped.

After we had done our six hours there, we headed through the heavy traffic to go and do the difficult old lady's garden, we don't like that, and she was difficult, but my workmate let me go when he went to get the money, otherwise I would be waiting half an hour for no reason, and I had the farm to do.

The farm isn't far from there, so I headed over there to start my duty as farm-sitter.

The rain was just spotting by then and I was worried about getting home to get my washing in as I had done a wash and put it out before work.

At the farm there were 7 hen eggs and 2 bantam eggs, so I am having egg sandwiches for lunch today, I fed the pigs, fed the geese and ducks, checked the hen and quail food and water, and shut the animals in for the night, all well.

Then I raced the clouds through heavy traffic all the way home and got the washing in just in time.

I was sad to see that the Church and Ecclesiastical Insurance has hijacked the Victoria Derbyshire interview with survivors and had lied a lot and treated victims' concerns with contempt, sad and disheartening, when will the Church of England be dealt with as they deserve? Maybe when we don't have a duplicitous Prime Minister who claims to be a Christian because her dad was a very dodgy CofE vicar.

Anyway, I was tired last night, working on this book 'In Terror' which is cathartic but nasty to write.

I went to bed early, and as is usual of late, I had an unsettled night with nightmares.

I woke at 7.10am and got up, work shirt, black jeans, work boots, off to the farm.

I only do the farm in the morning at weekends, thankfully, someone else is doing weekday mornings, so I just do evenings and weekend mornings.

At the farm, the ducks were shouting eagerly about being let out, so I let them out and let them get the food and fresh water before I let the geese out, the geese are a bit mean, and the geese like to sit in the drinking water too, so I let the ducks have first call, and then I let the geese out.

Then I fed the pigs, whose troughs were flung about in the mire, thank you pigs!
Then I checked the hens, no eggs, hens fine, I did their water and food, counted them, keep still you sods! And then checked the Quail and their food and water. All done.

I nipped into town on the way back, had breakfast and coffee, grabbed some shopping, posted some letters, and then here I am home, bewildered by my changed routine.

The weather has been heavy showers all morning, after heavy rain yesterday evening and in the night. Rain is comforting and welcome.

Vital News

Please listen to BBC Radio 2 at 9am tomorrow morning.

It is about the Church of England and the main reason why they shit on victims and pretend to care about safeguarding.

Victoria Derbyshire will be interviewing several abuse survivors regarding the Church of England and their conflicted insurers.

Thursday

Hi peeps,

Well I was successful yesterday.

I was worried I would get sick from travel but I did everything during and after the journey to help myself, and I was home yesterday in time for Hollyoaks and supper and I went to bed early.

Today I did a small gardening round, staying in one area and working well. Not too tired, not ill.
The day started rainy but cleared as forecast.

I came home early, intending to do writing, but instead ended up sorting and clearing things. There are book cases, cupboards and all sorts of things to clear. And a load of clothes and things arrived that I ordered, so it has been time for regeneration, mainly underwear and socks, but I cleared all the drawers and have a bag of clothes for the charity.

And my new socks and undies are nice, I hate wearing out old things and getting new, but it is part of life, I couldn't find home socks like my old ones so I got the ones closest to them, and I have only got cheap spare work socks, do you remember my lost sock? Still missing, still leaving me one work sock short for the week, but now I have two spare pairs, they are slightly tight in the elastic but if I don't pull them right up, they will be OK.

Anyway, the drawers are now sorted, and I have realised that the clothes smell a bit musty from being in there, so I will get lavender pouches and dehumidifiers.

Right, I hope to do some writing, but a good sort out will be good.

I need a shower, and some chicken and Hollyoaks, and tomorrow I am working with my workmate, on a nice job that we like. Then I start my farm duties in the evening and I have the farm for 17 days
:( no rest for the wicket keeper.

Wednesday night

Hey peeps,

What a fascinating day, what nice people.

I am so tired, it is bed time again, I have had food, shower, and Hollyoaks.

London

The norty is wrapped round a pillar on the Circle Line, clinging on for dear life, wailing about 'ALL THE PEOPLE!' while London quakes in terror.

Norty can be enticed off the pillar with them nice cakes that them nice kiosks have.

Ooh, London, I love you so much!

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well last night I went to bed in pain despite my efforts. but I went to bed early.

So when the massive thunderstorms woke me, I took some more meds, and fell asleep again as the thunder and lightning rolled around and the rain pelted down. Much as I love storms, I needed sleep.

This morning I am not too bad at all, the weather is sullen and cloudy and won't get too hot here, it looks a lot hotter for London, which is a pain as that is where I am going.

I am still waking up, but I am not in a huge hurry, I have time. And I have a big mug of tea

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

The Church of England are rumbling arrogantly, as they do. I used the Bishop's mitre as a commode.

Well, another hot day.

This morning I was able to work mainly in the shade, which was good.

Then after lunch I worked too hard, blitzing the care home, I feel a bit ill as a result.

Hollyoaks was dramatic but I have run out of the will to do anything, so I will go to bed early, we should have thunderstorms, but they are being a bit shy.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

Well yesterday I remained tired.

I went to church, and intended to just crawl back to my den and hibernate, but when my friend said 'So, what are you doing for the rest of the day?' I knew I was rumbled.

She took me out to lunch, we were heading for a pub we know but we ended up at one we didn't know, it was lovely, there was loads of room in the pub garden and it was nice, the staff were good, and the food was divine! We both hope to go there again.

I had a big roast dinner and several pints of lemonade, she had curry and several pints of coke.

I came home exhausted, my eye had been running like a tap, so I was relieved to put some drops in it and be home and rest.

I watched Grease, and various other stuff, and in the evening I began to find enough energy to get the housework and pre-work chores done, so the house was clean and my clothes and boots were laid out ready, and all the food and drinks for today were in the car.

I slept relatively well, but woke from vivid dreams, soon forgotten.

My workmate emailed to say he would be late as he was going to the tip, he also told me the good news that we didn't have that awful garden tacked onto the end of the round today. Today's round is the commercial and holiday lets round, no-one around, no pressure, but for a while now we have had to do this old lady's garden and she is hard to deal with, there is no shade there, and the garden is awful, we struggle at the end of a hard day, in the sun always, to get anything done, then it takes half an hour to get her to pay, so it is a horrible unsuitable garden for the round, but the good news was that it was cancelled today.

So the day felt better as there was no hurry to get to work and the day looked easier, not that that is saying much. I got to the first job, and weeded busily as I waited for my workmate.

When he arrived, we did the mowing and strimming, and moved on to weeding, trimming, and hedgecutting. The sea was busy with boats and ships and was interesting.

The kiosk was open, so I had ice cream and coffee, and my mate had pepsi.
Then after the morning there, we drove further down the seafront and had lunch on the seafront. Very nice.

Then we went and worked hard again at the next estate and gave that some extra time as that had been requested, a few extra tasks there.

The weather had been forecast warm and cloudy, but it was hot and sunny, I drank a litre of hydration mix and two litres of squash.

Then we had three smaller jobs for the remainder of the day, it was nice to finish a bit early instead of late because of that old lady.

I got home tired and aching, decided to do a quick wash of my work clothes which were wet with sweat, and a cold shower for me.  I did beef and rice for supper, and tried to watch Hollyoaks while I sorted out the details of my next adventure - this week.
The boss rang just as things were getting tense in first look Hollyoaks, so I missed all that, and when the boss rang off, I changed to Film4 for Airplane 2, Airplane 2 is not by the same producers as Airplane and is not the same, but it is OK to watch, I guess.

I am having to reschedule things for the working week, which never amuses me.

I am so tired, bed time is soon and I am looking forward to it. Sleep.

I have done most of my chores.

Tomorrow is due thunderstorms later in the day, I hope so, but prefer to get my work done first.
I have an old lady and a care home to garden tomorrow, and that is all, but it is still a day's work.
It will be hot before the storms.

This is a hot summer, I am enduring it, I will never be good at heat, but at least with the help of sun lotion and huge amounts of fluids and a lot of effort to manage pain when I get home, I don't end up so ill from the heat, my ancestry must be Scandinavian, I am not designed for hot weather.

Sunday morning

Good morning peeps,

I don't know why Brahms Lullaby is on, it should be Frank Mills for first thing.

Well yesterday was cool and cloudy, I didn't do much in the morning, rested, as I was tired.

I went to the lockup to check which set of keys was the right one, there's an excuse for a drive. And I posted some letters, got fuel and did the grocery shop.

I watched the Tooth Fairy and various other things, I was tired so I wasn't doing the usual weekend household tasks, but I did so much in the week it didn't matter.

I got on with editing Hampshire Hymn as I rested.

Then I went over to the farm to sort out arrangements for my duties there while they are away.

We upset the geese by feeding the ducks just because she was demonstrating something to me. The geese are funny.

So anyway, pretty much sorted for me to look after the farm, it is quite a bind, but it is all earnings, and they gave me £100 in advance, which always comes in handy.

On the way home I watered the care home plants, I will do a blitz there on Tuesday, so I am not leaving it too long.

When I got home, I completed 'Hampshire Hymn' and published it, and got some household tasks done too.

I was tired but had trouble getting to sleep, but then I slept reasonably well and woke at 7.45 with slight nightmares and distress about the church of england.

I have church today, and a fairly quiet day, I would like to get the household tasks finished and get the car washed.

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Who nicked the blackjack sweets off the kitchen surface? Was it you? Must have been the elves.
Disclaimer - the child-raping church of england would use that to make me out to be mad, I do not believe in elves, must have been the fairies.

Recently I have been waking up all hot and thirsty in the night, so last night I rearranged the bedding when I put the clean linens on, and it has helped, I slept better.

I had strange dreams though, dreamed about Littleton and all my old friends, although as usual when I dream that, I am a shadow, a ghost, not really there. It was Christmas in the dream, but I still wasn't there.
The Montagues were there at the rectory but they had a baby in a blue baby-gro, and they put it in the churchyard out of the way, on a tarpaulin, it was a very dignified baby and it didn't mind.

Over by the church were all the dead christmas presents, and I was trying to move them out of the way but I couldn't, they were all over the churchyard and the path.

I am glad I felt nothing really, but it was vivid. I guess the baby was Sally Montague, who the Montagues abandoned.

I wake up and I am home. It is Saturday and this weekend is a busy one in town and a quiet one for me, unless I go in town and join in the festivities. Home is the best place to be, never look down memory lane with rose-coloured spectacles on, my song for Littleton, as well as 'There's a Time' is this one https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iiiyuoAkP_Q

I worry about breaking the spell if I say that I am glad that I made it to here and fought the church to stay here, and met my workmates and peeps.

I am still sleepy.

Friday

Good evening,

Well I just want to go to sleep, I am tired and aching.

This morning I worked so hard, and in the heat, the site managers were doing inspections and meetings and although they were praising my work, they are not pleased with the boss about the weedkiller and I was doing a lot of hand weeding that the weedkiller should cover.

Anyway, I had a lunchbreak, some idiot swiped Max's wing mirror and scratched it and knocked it out of place, but thankfully I could put it back.

Lots of emergency services and funerals getting in the way today,

I gardened for the old lady today and she gave me space, thankfully.

Then I came home exhausted, I really am tired, no weekend tasks tonight, apart from the washing. The last lot is on now, bath robe. The clothes and bed linen are done, and the towels and mats are out to dry. Last weekend the linen didn't get done, so I am out of sync.

Tomorrow is quiet workwise, town will be busy all weekend with events, but I will just go and water the care home and go to the farm for a meeting about me being left in charge while they are away soon.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Well what a hard work day. I crawled sleepily out of the house this morning, wishing the day was over already. But I worked hard.

I was at the cliff top first, it was breezy and cloudy, and then I shot over to find the boss, his work schedule and communications have been mucked up because his daughter hurt herself and ended up in A&E, so I had to go and catch up with him.

He was on one of the estates and was hard to locate, deep in the jungle.

When I found him, he gave me 4 ton bags but forgot to tell me that 2 had huge holes in.

I headed for the marina and worked really hard. The weather turned hot and sunny and I didn't like that.

Then the day wasn't over as I had farm duties.

I headed over the edge of town in rush hour and went to the farm.

The pigs had knocked their trough over and were excitedly trampling all over it. I retrieved it and fed them.
Then the geese were next, the geese are like naughty children at bed time, they know very well it is time to go in their hut but they would rather not, I shepherded them in, the ducks were surprisingly well behaved and wandered into their hut without complaining, and that was it, my duties done, the hens were already in the barn.

So I came home. Stripped my sweaty work clothes into the washing machine and put a wash on.

It was way after 6 when I got home and I wasn't in a Hollyoaks mood so I have been watching 'Best Exotic Marigold Hotel'.
The washing is out and drying quickly, I have had supper and I have been drinking lots of hot sweet tea, because that is how I feel.

Tomorrow I am back down the marina.

On twitter we are tweeting  #CSASurvivors

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

Well it was a dramatic day at work.

I didn't sleep well last night despite the rain and slight coolness as a result.
Recently I have restless light sleep and vivid, coherent but completely irrelevant dreams that seem to be about other people's lives.

Anyway, I dragged myself to work to try to catch up.

I worked all morning at the mansion and got a lot done.

As I drove away I realised something was wrong with my eye, it was hurting and streaming. getting worse all the time.

I tried to work out why. I was worried it was a wasp sting, the wasps had been bombarding me as I worked, so I bombed them in return, revenge? But I was sure a wasp sting might me different, no sign of a sting, it could be an allergic reaction.

I went home for lunch and to get the mower, couldn't find anything at home to ease the eye problem.

After lunch I headed for the next job, stopped at the chemist, the chemist lady got me some eye drops and told me to put a cold compress on my eye, I don't have any of those and I told her I couldn't do it until after work and she said that was alright and use anything cold.

So I put some eye drops in, and went to the bakery over the road, I don't like many cakes, I hate mass-produce supermarket cakes, they aren't nice, but that bakery has cakes I like, and I got the sympathy vote because my eye was streaming.

I headed down the seafront, ate my cake and waited for my eye to calm down.

Then I headed for the care home and worked hard to catch up there, this is the wrong time of year to be off work because everything goes mad.
Unfortunately then something else happened that indicated an allergic reaction, I started coughing and couldn't stop, I was sick a few times, fortunately I was alone in the gardens and no-one noticed,and I just buried it, and then my eye started calming down.

I can still feel an allergic type reaction in my throat and chest, and my eye is a bit swollen. I worked hard at the care home and only got home half an hour ago.

Hollyoaks is on, supper is on, and I have coffee.

I put a bottle of cold water on my eye, my fridge has bottles of water and squash ready for work days, and now I have put a hydration tablet in the bottle of water. Hydration tablets mean I get sick much less.

My eye has started running again, what a waste of salt and water.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

I have to say, peeps, every Tuesday, a bored member of the States of Jersey lands on my blog while the States are in session. It's funny.

Anyway.

This morning I headed for work despite the light rain, but my client phoned and I pulled over in the layby, and she said that it was raining too hard.

So I was at a loss. I went to try to sort my phone out but I couldn't, so I went and got shoes, you know how it is, I hurt my foot because the old shoes were worn though.

I couldn't wear shoes, until my mum bought me those walking shoes, and they are sturdy enough for me to wear for walking, and I have walked well for a while now, so I got a new pair the same.

The rain persisted and although I was not ill from yesterday's work, I was tired, so I came home and dozed, did the grocery shopping, watched some DVDs, and thoroughly spring cleaned the flat.

I am just watching Hollyoaks and then I will do music and writing.

It is raining, blessed rain, I wish it wasn't only for today, it cools me down, cools everything down, and gives me a break from the noisy kids on the road, not that they are too much of a problem, but peace and quiet is always welcome.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

Well, lets ignore the church and police growling in the background.

I worked on the estate today.

We were lucky that the boss's daughter came to work with us today and helped to pick the speed up.

The boss refuses to drop the estate contract even though we hate it and it is all hassle.

Anyway, I got to work and realised I had no tools with me, I meant to put them in the car last night but I was too tired, and I forgot this morning. Thankfully the car was loaded with bottles of squash, water and hydration salts. The weather was due to be hot again, and hot weather and the estate are my idea of a nightmare.

I told my workmate I forgot my tools, I told him the boss would laugh. Then I went litterpicking, by hand as the litterpick was at home among my tools.
The boss laughed at me about leaving my tools at home.

The day worked out well work-wise, as we divided in two, the boss and his daughter mowed and strimmed the lower estate and myself and my workmate mowed and strimmed the upper estate, the mowing was done by lunchtime and we were all on weeding and pruning, it really worked well in that respect.

But as I said, the weather was hot, hot with a breeze, we had the outside chance of a thunder shower and I kept looking hopefully at the clouds that came and went. I got through a litre and a half of rehydration salts, two litres or fruit squash and some water, the water was meant for washing with as there is no tap on the estate for me to soak myself under. So I had a bottle of water and a towel to wash myself, and I had sun cream to re-apply. I can't afford to be ill with sunburn or dehydration related illness. It's funny because the boys don't get sick from the heat the way I do, I have an unlucky metabolism.

We got through the day, it is never easy there, it is our hardest work, but I told the boss he must bring his daughter again as she was really helpful. We covered most areas, there is always more to do there, and people are never happy, and they won't extend our hours so that we can do everything and not work flat out as we do.

By the end of the day I was worried because the injury was seizing up, but while we had the end of the day discussion, I put pressure on the muscle and it released and I am not in pain, just aching from the work, and tired.

Work is looking busy, and apart from tomorrow looking cool and rainy, it looks to stay warm and sunny, which annoys me, I have endured so much sun this year.

Anyway, I have put the tools in the car and sorted myself and the flat out, I feel all tired and lazy, I would rather do nothing until bed time and then sleep, but you know what going to bed early does to me - nightmares! Hurrah, a whole fortnight until we do the estate again. And I may have some free time tomorrow if the weather is wet, so I will publish Hampshire Hymn.

Star Trek came on after Hollyoaks, it is nonsense as far as I am concerned, but I was reminded of driving everyone mad with this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCARADb9asE

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Almost back to normal. I stopped coping last week, but the four day break and the support and inspiration of other church survivors has helped me a lot.

I got home last night, and as usual, spent most of today recovering, thankfully it hasn't even been the worst recovery and I haven't been sick.
As a lot of you know, I can't travel without being unwell, not travel sickness but the impact on my injuries and joints.

So for me, recovery involves sitting or lying quietly in low light, drinking as much fluid as my body allows and running through at least five medications over and over, as well as wearing a neck collar. Today it was hard to wear a neck collar, or anything for that matter because of the heat.

It has been very hot today, so staying home in the flat with the windows open but blinds closed has been alright. I did literally do very little. Apart from washing the sweaty clothes I brought back with me.

I watched Hollyoaks this morning, had crackers for lunch, literally all I had, and then went to sleep again for a while.
I had a cool shower and hung the washing out, and I conversed with other survivors.

My workmate sent me a cheerful and encouraging email, he knows I have been struggling, we don't go into depth about our problems, we have a nice balance, and we do support each other.

I was going to publish 'Hampshire Hymn' and you know I have been saying that for months, but it is actually edited and ready for the first publication, but I didn't exert any effort today.

Well actually this evening I tidied the flat and got my work things ready. So it looks from here as if I have been home as usual and done the weekend cleaning and work preparation routines as normal.

I am nearly fully recovered now, but not looking forward to tomorrow on the estate and in the heat, it is never fun, I hope that the remaining pain fades by then. I have put bags of full bottles of water and squash in the car, but I need to get rehydration salts at the chemist tomorrow, I got through a litre yesterday. The boys seem to cope with the heat so much better than me and are amazed how much fluid I drink as I work. Maybe boys are like camels.

So here I am, my weekend routines done, everything almost normal. Clean work clothes on the banister, backpack and boots by the door and I am in my shorts and sleepy cotton shirt, getting sleepy now, but another cool shower before bed would be good. People talk about weather being 'close' and 'sticky' and this must be what they mean, even if it sounds funny, I wish we could have thunderstorms but the last lot missed us too.

Well done to everyone hightlighting the church of England's mockery of safeguarding and the continued very serious corruption and collusion and lack of safeguarding.
Remember, Justin Welby is lying when he claims to care about safeguarding, and the National Safeguarding Team are there to protect him and the corrupt core, if you are a survivor, you must refuse to meet with them as they force meetings on you for the sake of meeting the criteria of their in-house insurers, have a read of this if you haven't already     https://seaofcomplicity.blog/

I need to share this with you urgently!

As well as schools, this is what the Church of England's fake safeguarding campaign is all about!

I knew this, but no proper response is being made by Ecclesiastical.

Have a read of this link below, it is vital, thanks Cathy.

https://cathyfox.wordpress.com/2017/07/08/sea-of-complicity-blog-on-abuse-by-the-church-of-england/

Southampton - A letter to a Bishop

July 8th 2017 Southampton, the city of my childhood.

I have gone on trying to work and survive and live a normal life since the church destroyed me, but it got increasingly hard.

There has been no justice in my case, no closure, I have been left publicly and utterly destroyed, and most human beings would have committed suicide by now.
I am trying to work out what to do, I can't go on struggling to make ends meet, exhausted and traumatized and seeing no point in any of it. I am branded, I can't get NHS help and if I am victim or witness in a crime, I will be treated badly by the police.

This is no life. And it takes years to get a Dignitas signature, even if you are successful.
I don't know what to do really. I will have to go on enduring the vainglorious lies of the powerful corrupt clique in the church of england for the rest of my life if I have to go on living, they spitefully pick my wounds every few months with their lies about Christianity and safeguarding.

Someone asked about my recent letter to the deceitful Bishop of Dover, I didn't realise I hadn't posted it.

Concerns regarding the Bishop of Dover, addressed to the Bishop of Dover, The Archbishop of Canterbury, The National Safeguarding Team, SCIE, the Police,  and others.

 Dear Bishop Trevor Willmott,

This letter concerning your conduct is sent with full understanding that the Church of England are currently not safeguarding but are using the image of safeguarding to protect themselves as abuse and corruption continues.

This letter also enclosescontains the complaint sent to you regarding the Jersey Deanery after I was publicly destroyed by the Archbishop of Canterbury and Bishop of Winchester after a three year campaign of public discrediting and smearing of me in the press and media by both of them, and you, and the Jersey Deanery, and repeated false claims that safeguarding in Jersey is good, despite the peadophile protectors, abusers, and people who had smeared me remaining, and despite your and the Archbishop's upholding of illegal behaviour, including data protection breaches and illegal access to police records that were already inaccurate and influenced by the powerful inter-conflicted dignitaries of church, judiciary and States of Jersey.

Nothing has changed since the Peter Ball case, apart from the outrageous duplicity of yourself and the Archbishop and Church of England in false claims that safeguarding is good and that things are better. The million pound Jersey and Winchester whitewash while there has been no investigation into the harm to me by the church and police, it proof of that. The fact that no action has been taken against Gavin Ashenden, Peter Ould, Ian LemArquand, Philip Bailhache, Bob and Daphne Key or any other abuser or wrongdoing in my case, while I have been publicly destroyed by the Church and their abuse of power over the press is proof of that.

As the Archbishop publicly masturbates his ego over the Peter Ball case, the question remains, what proof is there of current safeguarding in the current abuse of press and media by the Church? None, indeed the abuse of the press and media to destroy me, by you, and the Archbishop, the Diocese of Winchester and Jersey Deanery is proof that there is no safeguarding and that you don't understand what safeguarding is. This whole matter is best summed up by Jerseyman Mark Foreskitt in his recent blog as a result of the recent duplicity over the Peter Ball case, this is unmissable reading:

http://jerseytoday.blogspot.co.uk/2017/06/shades-of-things-about-to-come.html

I have, as I discussed in a previous letter, applied to attend Dignitas, to be humanely put to sleep, as the suffering that you and the circle of corrupt and collusive Bishops, Archbishop and interconflicted Dignitaries and police, is too much for a human being to live with. I am concerned that you failed to respond to my request for help with the costs, considering that the damage that you and your associates committed against me amounts to attempted murder. A strong and whole person wouldn't withstand three years of being publicly and permanently ruined as I have been, and I live now only to finish telling my story before I die. I would be grateful to your contribution to the costs of finishing off the ending of my life that you have played such a part in.

Back to my safeguarding concerns against you, which as yet the National Safeguarding Team are afraid to address, they are unable to stand up to you or the Archbishop or the Bishop of Winchester as it is more than their job is worth, and they have said as much, they know very well that grave wrongdoing has been committed among you and that all reports into my case were conflicted whitewashes and that they are not allowed to deal with your or your safeguarding director Elaine Rose's criminal actions and collusion with the conflicted Jersey Safeguarding partnership and associated conflicted police, judiciary and states members, but this letter will never be deleted and eventually the Church of England will be forcibly overseen from the outside because there has been no improvement in this corruption and lack of safeguarding since the Peter Ball case, and then, eventually, although I will have died with my suffering and anguish, you can make headline news along with the current Archbishop and Bishop of Winchester in the same way that Peter Ball and George Carey have made headlines this week.

Safeguarding won't be good or seen to be good until the full weight of corruption and collusion and abuse of the press and illegal actions and misleading of the general public by you and the archbishop and Bishops is exposed and you are removed.

Now, belatedly as this is how I write, I will get to the very root of your safeguarding failures.

Juliet Montague, who was actively involved in helping the Jersey Deanery, the Scott-Joynts and Jane Fisher to destroy me, was your friend, you companion, and as she walked the dog with me as I was also her companion and confidante, she told me that it was you that she turned to every time there was a problem, she told me that this was because you were in love with her, while the 'snobs at Wolvsley' couldn't care less about her problems, including her marriage problems, which she always ran to you about. Do you remember? Fred's impotence since she denied him sex? Sally accusing Fred of abuse? And then finally, Fred sexually abusing me?

Now, which of the million pound whitewash reports reports in detail your involvement in this? Which one tells of your 'close' friendship with Juliet, and which report documents how you did nothing about me being sexually abused by Fred Montague, but used Juliet's side of things with your Jersey Deanery, to destroy me?

Now, I know the National Safeguarding Team are not allowed to challenge you, they are only allowed to be complicit and uphold you and the collusive and corrupt Bishops and Archbishop in their illegal behaviour, even if it means driving a vulnerable adult to suicide, as you nearly have, but this matter is not to be laid to rest, nor is the serious danger that the Jersey Deanery currently pose to the vulnerable as well as the danger that you and your colleagues pose to the vulnerable. And indeed nothing was done about the Montagues, Fred and his chums upholding him laughed at me in the street after Fisher and the Scott-Joynts had me imprisoned, left homeless, destroyed and destitute, while my abusers laughed.

If you are not going to step down, you must be investigated, as must your colleagues. As well as being dishonest in the press and media, your bias in my case and upholding of every abuser and wrongdoer means that you pose a risk to the vulnerable.

And apparently you think some social lunches for the narrow minded wrongdoers and old wealthy at the town church club with 'safeguarding training' while your deanery remain unpunished, unrepentant and not even called to account for their wrongs means that safeguarding in Jersey is good. You haven't a clue about abuse and safeguarding, neither have your middle class and badly behaved congregation, and you are still employing two peadophile protectors and a load of clergy and laity who have harmed a vulnerable adult and behaved in Godless and psychopathic ways to protect themselves from punishment or justice or even fair investigation. Even your 'close friendship' with vulnerable adult Juliet Montague, while both you and she were married, is questionable.

Make sure this whole matter is referred to an independent safeguarding body, make sure that what happened to me is investigated and recorded, and step down, you aren't acting for God, you aren't moral or honest, and thus you are being hypocritical, a money-grabbing burden on society, who is guilty of terrible things but made me take the punishment, and you and your congregation under your leadership pose a danger to the vulnerable.

I have to add, that gift that the Jersey Deanery gave you for protecting them from justice, the jewel encrusted gold staff, presented in the view of press and media by the wealthy and narrow-minded old congregation, it says it all about what the Church are and aren't and I would like you to sit down and think about that as you write your resignation or retirement speech. And make sure you report Bob and Daphne Key for their criminal actions at the same time.

For me it is too late for justice or peace, you helped to destroy me, but I speak, and write, for the sake of other vulnerable people and victims, I am a lone voice against your and Welby and Butler's fake safeguarding campaign, and my last wish is to see it shattered and see you all rightfully made to step down for your harm to me and denial of justice.

regards,

JJ/HG 

- the victim of repeat church abuses who you publicly and utterly destroyed for the sake of the church's image.

Friday

I am so tired, and in Winchester the Itchen is still deep and clean, although maybe not as clean as it was. The homeless are barefoot with sores on their legs and bottles of cheap cider in their hands.

While the Bishop is away, I can play, in my hometown that he has no right to because of his horrific abuse of me.

The police patrol, and they glance at me each time they pass. Yes, you evil brutal thugs, I am the abuse victim who you destroyed and nearly killed for Fisher and the Scott-Joynts, and I will stand up to you, even if you have terminally injured me and there can be no real healing.

I get tired. The walking makes  me tired. Winchester seems tired, the sweltering heat.

Time to go.

I hope that what I am doing works, it is a bit of a rash and desparate act, but I am going to just fall apart if I sit at home, suffering, so I can't sit and suffer any more.

Thursday

Good evening,

Please excuse my lack of updates, I was tired, hot, depressed, busy, or something.

On Sunday I went to church and they made a bit of a fuss of me. You know I am not good at fuss but it was OK. I was invited to a BBQ, which was yesterday, and on Sunday itself I was taken out to a festival, which also had a BBQ, and live music and all sorts, and they treated me to everything.

I am so unused to being fussed, and I am so used to the church of england slandering me to anyone who is kind to me that I was looking around for Fisher and her pet Bishops to roll up and start demanding I was to be shunned and vilified. That shunning and vilification while they upheld wrongdoers and abusers will affect me for life.

Anyway, despite that, it was a lovely day, we spent some time at the festival and then went back to their house and sat and talked.

Then it has been a fairly normal week, although my depression has been very severe, severe enough to make life and work hard.

I went to yesterday's BBQ, and we had fun, but it was a late night and I needed to time to prepare as I am going away again today, in the hope of lifting the depression, I am only away for three days, and I am doing  a few hours work this morning before I go.

The Care Inquiry

I have been at work all day of course.

I was praying all the time, especially for the survivors.

But I didn't have internet of course, I had my tablet with me but didn't even have time to borrow a wifi hotspot as we worked hard without stopping.

As I was driving home the new headlines came on 'A report into historic abuse in Jersey has said that children may still be at risk...' I turned the radio down and I needed to pull over.
An ambulance came tearing through the traffic, and I and other drivers pulled into a lay-by, and I decided to stay there for a while.

I got home, stripped my work clothes off and made tea before putting the computer on.

The headlines and blogs.

The first up reads 'Vindicated!' And that was all it took to reduce me to tears.

Then 'Demolish Haute de la Garrenne'.

I will never forget Haute de la Garrenne, the image of it will always be in my mind. You see I nearly stayed there while I was looking for a new home in Jersey, and that was when it was suddenly closed and the child abuse hit the headlines.

Then there is 'An end to the Jersey Way'.
I hope so, I am still waiting to go home.

I am not going to read any more yet. I guess I can smile slightly that the BBC focus on the advice to demolish Haute de la Garrenne.

Vindicated.

I will keep that headline in mind, and I hope that every victim and survivor is vindicated in some way.

The dreams

I am not in Jersey, but I dream vividly of Jersey, and sometimes Jersey is close by, premonition. Presumably that is because of the care inquiry report release this week. I just woke up from dreaming of Jersey.
I was there in my dream, but the water of St. Aubins was grey and brown and choppy, not beautiful at all. I didn't much like being in Jersey in my dream, but I was down at Millbrook and then St. Lawrence.
I was relieved to wake up. But dreams stay with you, and I seem to spend a lot of time in Jersey in my dreams.

Yesterday I got on with houswork and car work, at the same time as editing Hampshire Hymn for publication, I have 38 pages left to edit so after all the delays, I may well finally publish it today.

I managed to get so much editing and chores done in the advert breaks of 'The Wedding Planner', so that is a typical weekend, watch films and get the house chores done.

Today I will be going to church in a while, I only have one chore left and that is mopping the bedroom and lounge floors, everything else is done, so apart from church I just have book work and music to do.

I guess the Hollyoaks omnibus will be on soon, I don't really want to watch it as they don't have any good storylines, not that a trashy soap does anyway.

Saturday

Hey peeps,

I have been dreaming a lot recently, and vivid dreams, that and the tiredness makes me think this is a relapse.

The other night I dreamed I was back at the old lodgings, and it was all so clear, as if I was living it all again.
But the dream I had the night before last was much more vivid and spooky.
I dreamed I was in Jersey, sitting in on a States session, but their ugliness and corruption was all unmasked and unhidden, you could see it all.
Then I walked through St. Helier. It looked as sad and run down as it always did. I don't know how those finance industry workers stand it. Poor Jersey, stuck between the past and the nasty soulless finance industry.
But the dream finished off with Bob Hill at his house, smiling and showing me that he could still play guitar despite his condition, and it was so vivid.
Bob, have fun playing guitar, I think mine is in the lock-up.

Anyway, I thought having got most of my tasks done during the week would mean I could relax. But I am not good at relaxing and I am more likely to be overwhelmed with depression and bad memories if I try to slow down and not be working.

This morning I woke at 8am and did bacon and eggs.
I decided not to work today, I really needed a break, although again it meant I wasn't occupied and suffered distress, I suffered distress during the night too, so I don't feel great. I have had some 5HTP and I was already tired so I may go lie down and put some music on the iPad to soothe me and try to ease any distress, sleeping in the day usually makes me distressed but I am so tired.

I have been out, had a nice drive, watched the boats, and I have been watching the Tooth Fairy and doing music lessons.
I have worked out how to progress with music now, put the iPad on the music stand by the keyboard and work from the iPad. Sooperdooper.