Thursday

Good afternoony peeps,

It is a wet rainy day and I think I picked up and infection from the dental surgery, my tonsils are having a right moan, however, I will spare you the gory details.

It's been one of those weeks, a week where things don't go quite right.
I wanted clean clothes for Wales and I only really have two of everything, and I put that two of everything through the wash and on the line yesterday evening, intending to get it in before the rain started today, ha, by the time I dragged my spine off the bed this morning, exhausted after a night's sleep, it was pouring with rain.

The farm had decided to leave the farm duties to me, seeing as I would be up there to mow and strim, but with the weather, I was not sure I would get anything done.
I went and did the duties. I decided that despite the weather, I would crack on with the mowing.
Ha. The tractor key was nowhere in sight. I texted and was told it was hiding in the farmhouse and I could go in and get it, so I did.

And so I mowed as the rain watered me most wetly. I mowed the orchards, a high cut and a low cut as they had got so long, I mowed the lawns, the areas round the veg plots, I mowed the verges and short work with the push mower, and I mowed a track through the field.
I couldn't mow the geese paddock as it was too wild and messy, I was supposed to strim that.
I dug the veg plots, ready for planting, but the rats had been tunneling and I was falling down their holes. The hens tutted and fussed as I dug.
I didn't mow the cottage lawns as there are guests in, and I was probably making enough noise for them already.
I got the strimmer out and did some of the strimming, but by the time I started the paddock, the strimmer was playing up and I was wet, muddy, cold and aching. I only have one spare pair of everything, and I was wearing it, including the wrong bra for heavy farm work, while my normal clothes were all soaking wet on the washing line, what a silly situation to be in, it shouldn't happen.
So anyway, I came home. Took my muddy boots and clothes off, and fell asleep on the bed as it poured with rain outside.

I am just trying to puzzle out my next steps. I have no cash left. I get two small paypal payments tomorrow for writing and music and can't transfer them until I get home, and I can work for cash in the morning and bank transfer in the evening,but I won't get to the bank but in the meantime, my landlord, who doesn't know how poor I am, may wonder why I haven't taken the clothes to the local laundarette to dry them, and I have a bill due out in the morning, only a small one. I wonder if I will be better off when I get PIP and when my freelance writing career develops.
I hope to do a bit of work for the care home on Saturday as well as earning a living tomorrow. The problem is, tomorrow I am trying to squash two large gardens into the day and then rush to the dentist to have the missing filling replaced, so I won't get to the bank or online to sort me money out.

I am applying for transcribing work now, another income stream, I didn't think I could do it with dysphasia, but actually I did quite well on a test. I really need to progress as there is no way I am not retiring from gardening at the end of the season, I am dragging myself through the days, even though I love my work, my body has simply said no, it can't do this work any more.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps,

I forgot that yesterday existed. It undoubtedly did.
Yesterday morning I woke at 5.45 from bad nightmares and went into flashbacks in stead.
It was pouring with rain and my landlord was up so the kettle was hot. I nipped to the cashpoint and got the rent, and got some milk from the shop, and then wondered what would happen with the weather, I want to get my gardens done before I go.

The weathered cleared and I went to the care home and did a massive weed and tidy up, but I want to get back on Saturday and tend my plants there and cut the hedge if I can, so it stays in order while I am away.

The care home was all I got done in the unpredictable weather, and I came home. I fell asleep when I got home, no idea why, work hadn't been taxing and I had slept through the night.

I woke only just in time to go to my evening shift. Well while Monday night's shift had been busy, yesterday evening was relatively quiet.

I came home and was tired enough to sleep. No memorable dreams, but I woke in the morning in a lot of pain and feeling very tired, painful and depressed, with smatterings of flashbacks. It was hard to move, my spine didn't want to be dragged off the bed.
I did painkillers and nearly threw up, not good on an empty stomach, not clever, but they worked fast, I did the heavy machine and put my collar on, and in a few hours I was almost alright.

I really needed to work while the rain held off, but I struggled to get sorted and have any time to work before my dental appointment. So I worked on music reviews and put in for a payout.

My dental appointment was with the hygenist for a thorough teeth clean and some tips on teeth care. The appointment was half and hour and it was good, I have never seen a hygenist before, the dentist has sometimes cleaned my teeth, but it was nice to have a thorough teeth clean and discussion, see no-one actually ever taught me to brush my teeth, and my jaw means my teeth are crowded, so it is hard to clean some of them well. Anyway, the hygenist was really nice, and she asked if I had antibiotics as a child, because of the bars on my teeth, and I told her no, they were from illness, she said she understood that, it is a stress reaction, the teeth stop growing at that point. It is funny to hear it from a hygenist, because it was always something I knew only vaguely.

Anyway, nice clean teeth, but there was a problem, when I got home, I realised that the cleaning had knocked a filling out! A front filling, you know hot they can do a shallow filling with white paste? One of those, it must have been loosened by the water jet or brush or knocked by the metal bits. I have emailed them. I would like it fixed before I go.

Anyway, after that, I tried to go and work but I was tired, distracted, not feeling great, dental appointments upset my poor jaw, and so I went to the mail handling centre but nothing I was expecting had arrived.

I came home and started a deep clean and tidy of my room, a thorough sort out of paperwork and other things, and packing for Wales. I also hoovered and dusted and wiped. All sorted.

I am supposed to be mowing the farm tomorrow but the weather looks bad, I am running out of days to get my remaining work done before I go.

Monday

Hey peeps,

Its a bankolody Monday, one of those days designed to confuse us Aspies.

I have been writing and reviewing and things.

I didn't have much money or petrol to go out, so I have only been to the supermarket and clothing bank. I got a bottle of milk and some chops, and then nearly sent the kitchen up in smoke by leaving the chops cooking.

I got an unsurprising text this morning, asking me to work this evening, which is fine but I have almost no petrol. I got Max fixed and MOT'd and paid the rent and bills but I have been left a bit short, I haven't had many driving shifts due to the new guys grabbing all the shifts, and a number of customers are away and have family for half term so I have less gardens to do as well.

It has been very hot again and the neighbours have been very noisy, so not an ideal situation, and the thunderstorms have been missing us.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

Well last night someone was having a fireworks display and then they stopped because a massive thunderstorm came thundering and storming in.
I didn't want to finish my bed time routines because I wanted to watch the lightning, and it was like last time, continuous lightning and lots of thunder, great fun, we get a good view, and it rained heavily, so I had the windows and blinds open even as I went to bed, well it was the only way to get me to go to bed, and I was tired.

This morning I slept until 9.30, I must have been tired, some vivid dreams but not nightmares. But I was in pain when I woke, my head and neck hadn't been supported properly.

And I was still in pyjamas when I got emails from my friend on the cliffs, she was bribing and tempting me with fresh scones :) I felt bribed and tempted, so I showered and dressed without bothering to wake up or take painkillers, and I headed for the cheese scones.

It was another hot day, and my friends and their family were living in the garden. We had coffee, and I got to  meet the new baby, who was grouchy with the heat. The children kept us busy, you know sometimes I wish I had been able to marry and have a family, well when I see the children, no matter how lovely they are, I know I don't have the patience to be a parent. The scooby gang have endless patience with the children and I can certainly be big sister when I am round, but I couldn't be a mother.

They were trying to work out whether to attend a local festival, one that my late friend loved, but it was decided we would relax in the garden instead. We had a delicious lunch, they never fail on the delicious food, and we had cake and strawberries and cream for dessert. I always feel when I am there that they live in paradise, I know it isn't true, but I love their life. After lunch the children were put in the paddling pool and we had a cuppa and then I took the dog for a short walk round the field. I can't walk her on the cliffs or beach until or unless my back responds to treatment, and the beach and cliffs would be busy with dogs and people on the half term bank holiday and neither I nor the dog are keen on lots of dogs and people.

Then it was time for me to go, complete with a bag of fresh scones. I drove along the cliffs and it was very busy, so I came home and got on with chores and writing. I have been very busy. I hoovered all the cobwebs and spiders off the ceiling, I am not scared of spiders but not keen on sharing, some of them bite, some of them wander over me and my computer, my landlord has a spider as big as a mouse in the downstairs loo, it waves as it wanders past.
I have had three gardening cancellations for the week, so I am going to take it take it easy this week, I have been so tired and the pain is constant.  I will put a lot of effort into my remaining customers if the weather allows, because work will be disrupted for two weeks after this week.

When I got home, my landlord cheerfully announced that he had been dismantling the blue bike, he loves bikes, he loves taking them apart, and the blue bike needs a new tyre, so he took that opportunity to dismantle her, and he will fetch me a tyre during the week, I told him he can have two shillings and sixpence for that.

I am just watching Yes Man and considering nipping to take some things to the clothing bank. I have a bad choice of noisy neighbours or closed windows and too hot, it is really hard for me to focus on writing with the neighbours partying it up. Ha, Good luck to them, I wish I could party it up, but I would rather be very quiet and work. I would also rather they didn't do dangerous driving and nearly hit Max after he did so well in his MOT.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

My abusers are really kicking off aren't they? God strike them dead and make them take their lies with them to hell.

Anyway. I was very tired and I slept through the night and woke at about 9am this morning.
I had been dreaming and I did go into mild flashbacks, but that passed.
It was supposed to be raining first thing, so I hadn't put my washing on and out overnight, but when I got up it wasn't raining, so I decided to chance it and put the washing on and out.

I was in luck, despite the forecast the weather remained very hot and humid with a strong breeze, and the washing dried.
I got on with other weekend chores and housework, and biked into town to get toiletries, meds and essentials. I wanted to stay out and scoot round the streets on the bike as I love doing that, but I was tired and the impact on my neck is too much, so I came home.

I have been working on writing and reviews, all my articles were accepted, so I will get a payout next week, and I am halfway to a music review payout as well.

The weather went on threatening as I got on with my tasks, but it remained dry all day until just now and it has broken now in heavy rain.

I did pork chop and loads of rocket salad with houmous, and I went down to the sea, it is a big spring tide, awesome. There were a few police vehicles down there but I couldn't see why.

I have been watching films, I watched 'Bright' which is another Will Smith moody cop one, I like him as a moody cop. I don't fancy him but I think he is a good actor and I tend to like his films.

Wow, still two days of the weekend, I have to be careful with time off in case I get distressed. I have had mild flashbacks today. Now I have to think that I have two more days off unless I am asked to do a driving shift or I decide to do the care home, and then I have a four day working week and then Wales, while I am in Wales I will not be completely unoccupied as I will be animal and house sitting and visiting and writing articles on, various historical sites, and I will be working on my freelance writing career and my books, but I will be alone, which is the thing to be careful of, depression and trauma are sneaky so and so's and they get in where they can.

Tomorrow I am hoping to see my friends on the cliffs and take the dog for a short walk, that will be nice. I wish I could walk the dog for miles along the beach, but I can't.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

Well, despite trauma, I was able to go to work this morning, I had a new client, I don't think I want to keep her, but in five months my 17 year career in gardening will be over anyway, so what does it matter? Anyway, despite the heat and the persistent flashbacks, I worked hard, I caught up with all of my outstanding work, so I can have the weekend off. I have no driving shifts this weekend, yet, but I am on call, and some of the drivers are likely to go off drunk, as they do, so I will work if I am asked.

I didn't get any articles accepted before the payout deadline, so all the ones done yesterday will roll over to next week, my book review was accepted and published though and I did get a payout for music reviews :) I value the music studies I did before the church of england's harm forced my degree to a premature end, it means I can review music, another branch of my freelance writing service.

I got home this evening, tired, aching, full of nettle stings and thorns, but having paid the last bills for the month, at last, I was given a few days grace, because getting Max repaired and through the MOT and getting the rent paid had priority. I had a nice shower, put some clean clothes on, and went and got some groceries.

I have been watching a film about a boy who developed bipolar disorder, and the struggles that he and his parents went through. I haven't caught up the last few Hollyoaks Omnibuses, but it looked like Alfie was developing bipolar, only Hollyoaks being what it is, they portrayed it horribly, they are very crass when it comes to mental illness, and a number of other subjects.
Anyway, that was interesting.

My room is a mess, I only tidied it the other day, so how dd that happen?

I had the urge to get pringles and dip and cut-price shloer, and watch films and read books, that probably means its a bank holiday weekend. I so want to go out on the blue bike this weekend but the weather looks bad. We have put the blue bike in the stable with the other bikes, out of the weather. I haven't been out on the bike all week, too much going on and too much tiredness and pain. I was thinking earlier, if treatment can't do much for my lower back, I will always be in pain. Gloomy thoughts. No good thinking like that, I have managed chronic pain for a long time now and it isn't all of life, some people are worse off than me.

I think the church and their nasty associates have been kicking off, judging by the stats, but I have to grimly preserve my life while no one will restrain them, and I have to struggle on with life until I can't any more.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Relapse isn't much fun. Pain, fatigue, muddled thinking, lapses of concentration. Awful feeling, difficult to describe, but if you think of all the things I have done recently, it is no wonder.

I stayed in bed today and wrote articles and a book review, articles were flowing in and I had a review to do, so I got on with that while it rained outside, I got some work done yesterday but I was struggling.

The rain and cloud have brought some relief but I haven't felt great. I am going to have an early night, which tells you that I am not great, because early night seems the only way out of this fog, but it means I may wake during the night, which doesn't help.

Tomorrow I hope to work almost as normal.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday was one of those awkward days.

I went to do my work as normal. I had the property managers' mansion first. But they were out and someone had bolted the back gate from the inside. And no one was home. I had blitzed the front gardens last week, so it was the back gardens this week. I couldn't do the back gardens, so I did the side garden for an hour, as that was all there was, and then I had to find something else to do. I am still poor, and having got Max's repairs and MOT, I needed money for the rent.

So I went to do the care home, but there was no parking there or anywhere nearby. So I couldn't. I sat in the hot hot sun and tried to work out what to do.

I decided to go to where my dentist is, even though there was too much time. I was going to go in the library or museum while I waited.
Well the library and museum were both closed.

I went to the churchyard where I used to sleep when I was a rough sleeper. I thought it would be less spooky in daylight, but it was still pretty spooky. I remembered throwing up there, and I did spit some blood this time too.

I still had too much time and I had thought I had packed toothbrush and paste as well as a flannel and towel. I don't suppose you peeps know  about being a gardener in the summer, it is best to have a wash down before the poor dentist has to see you, or smell you. But my toothpaste and brush and things didn't seem to be in my bag, and as I still had ages, I decided to nip home. It would have been nip, if it wasn't grockle season already and about 20mph was about the average for the way home.

My toothpaste and brush weren't at home, they were in the small pocket of my bag.
Ha.

I went back to the dentist, having had a good wash and brush.

My dentist is very efficient, he gave me the two false teeth that I forget I have.
It was just a routine checkup and he reminded me I have two false teeth by asking if they had been OK, and they have, because I haven't noticed them.
My teeth are just as usual, nothing to think about, I need to remember to clean the bit by the back false one so it doesn't deteriorate.  I didn't need any treatment. I discussed booking a teeth clean with the hygenist, because I don't like the staining I get from being a heavy caffeine drinker, so I may do that.

Dental examinations can upset my jaw, which is bad on both joints, and that in turn can upset my head and neck, so with all the stress, this was a high risk day for pain. I didn't have the right meds with me either.

Anyway, off I went, it was now gone 3pm, but I went to do the care home in the hot sun.
I managed to park at the care home and do two hours before going to my delivery driving shift, those if you who know me know that I shouldn't do this, any of this, because it will make me ill. Nonetheless, I needed to earn the rent.
As I worked at the care home, some clouds came in and some short heavy showers fell.

Then I headed for work. Going from gardening to driving is never ideal, and normally I don't, but that is how today went. Now as you know, Max went for MOT yesterday, so I had emptied him out, and that included the satnav. I am sure you can guess the rest.
I put the tools back in yesterday morning but not the satnav as it was in my room.

I got to work, two deliveries, one from each, both seemingly on the same route, because the boss said, oh this is the one up at the harbour, and I thought I would take that on the way to the one at the port, so off I trotted, no satnav, because I knew these ones.

I got to the harbour, the place I used to work, remember? Before my back got too bad. And I was puzzled, the right close exists but not the right number, after a while I panicked and phoned the customer. Idiot boss, there is another close the same name, the other side of town, which meant I would be going nowhere near the port for the other delivery, I was too stressed. And this wrong delivery's right address was near my home. So I went back, asked if someone else could take the port, and I would take the wrong delivery to the right address and get my satnav. Now I went to the right close and still got the wrong address twice, and then the customer had no change and said she would phone and pay by card, she told me that I was shaking and that I should calm down and it was all OK. It wasn't really OK, I didn't know I was shaking but I felt like a complete idiot and failure.

Thankfully when I got back to base, with my satnav, the boss, who can be moody, found it hilarious.

I only did a few hours, I got home exhausted and in pain. To make everything worse, I have been having trouble with my calf muscles, all week the left one has been tight, then the right one as well yesterday, so I was hobbling. No sign of DVT, so presume it is just from walking.
I did the leg machine and neck machine yesterday, but I had an uncomfortable night and am in a bit of pain unsurprisingly.  I am wearing my new heated collar that is supposed to ease the ligaments and facet joints through heat, it feels like it burns them but it doesn't, and it doesn't make a huge difference.

My first client today is disabled so I start at 10am. It is another hot day, I woke to horribly bright light as I opened the blind in my sleep, I do wonder sometimes what I am doing. I was dreaming about the channel islands, vivid and clear.

There's a funny thing on my stats, Newtown, Powys. Jane Dodds, who helped to co-ordinate my destruction by the church, lives there, and yet it is a constant on the stats, why would this woman who destroyed me and arranged for Lord Carlile to destroy Bishop Bell's victim, be reading my blog? I know the stats are up at the moment, which means a church attack, but why does Dodds gloat? She knows she has done grave and abusive wrong, she's got nothing to gloat about, and eventually she will be dealt with.

Better add to that, if it is my mentions of Wales, Dodds, that's where us poor take our holidays and give your economy a microscopic boost. I am part Welsh and used to work in Wales, I have family there, although they are nuts and nothing to do with me, I didn't grow up in Wales like my cousins but I did my first and second Welsh levels as an adult. I was in Wales this time last year without bothering you, Dodds, so don't bother me, it is nothing to do with you, I love the country, but I hate the lib dem candidate for Montgomeryshire, because she helped to destroy me to cover up for the wrongdoing of nasty old men.

Regular readers, just ignore that rant, I feel very strongly about the people involved in harming me and Dodds was one of the worst and I have no idea why she and her cohort would read my blogs, but Newtown is a small place and it is unlikely to not be connected to her.

Monday

Good evening peeps,

Jersey and the tinpot church kicking off, throw them all over La Coupee and have done with it.
See you in court, boys!

Last night I had terrible nightmares, strangely enough the most scary was about a wedding, a wedding with skeletons, ghosts and ghouls, how symbolic, but I was terrified in the dream, because I was actually in the car or carriage with a skeleton bride and groom, not nice, but I woke, hot and upset, and slept again and woke in the morning into flashbacks about the Diocese of Winchester and the Police. I haven't mentioned it but this past week those same flashbacks have been intense and have been making life difficult.

Anyway, I had work to do, preperation for PIP, I had finished Max's MOT workup, so at 10.30 I set off to take him to the car's best friend.
When I got there it was funny, because although he appeared scornful of my pre-MOT check at the autocentre, he had gathered all the possible parts we might need, based on the autocentre's assessment of the car, if you remember, there was nothing too serious, no MOT failure points flagged up, just a few things that could indirectly affect the MOT, so he had got the parts, he can get them on the basis of returning them if he doesn't use them, as he is a trade customer, so he had everything ready to take with Max to the MOT and presumably fix him on the spot and put him straight back in, which was impressive.

I was almost tearful to leave Max, I never like leaving him with anyone, even his old owner, I felt alone and vulnerable as I struggled down the hill into town. I went to the library but couldn't get anything done as I waited for my PIP assessment, I was expecting Max's results to come through when I was in the PIP centre, while my phone would be off, but when I gave up on the library and decided to use my coffee voucher for a free coffee, the phone beeped, Max had passed first time.

But it was time for me to drink my coffee and go and be assessed.

I can't gloss over PIP assessments or say anything opposing what other claimants say, it is a gruelling and humiliating process and it dents you. Mine took 90 minutes and I was exhausted.
I think, seeing as there is so much evidence, especially a whole book of x-rays and assessment results, they can't exactly 'fail' me, but it is a question of how they make the award now, the amount and length of it. You know why I need the award, I suppose? To help pay for the repairs to my spine, which the NHS couldn't do even if the local NHS was anything but collapsed. If I can get the spinal treatment now, my spine can be repaired as much as possible, the bones cannot be repaired but treatment can make the broken back easier to live with, but if treatment doesn't happen, degeneration will cripple me completely.

Anyway, I survived, although I was really stressed during and after the assessment.

I didn't walk to collect Max, I don't think I could, my friends were busy working on the cliff top, no one was around to give me a lift, and because Max's costs were just about manageable, I paid the mean grumpy old bus driver for a lift up to the last stop on the hill.
There is still a walk from the stop to the unmarked roads, but it is bearable at a slow steady pace, so I crawled up there, and rounded the corner where me and Val first saw Florence and it was love at first sight,  those years ago when Val was alive and the future was bright, before the church finished killing me.
And there now in big sister Florence's place, was Max, clean, shining, and newly MOT'd, Max, M.F. Nortycar, full brother to Florence, F.P. Nortycar, by the same parents. Max, the car who raced down the cliffs with me in the storm two years ago, when the Archbishop of Canterbury and Bishop of Winchester made that massive attempt on my life.

It was baking hot, but as we drove home, there were stormclouds gathering, reminding me of that race through the storm two years ago. We got home, and the heavy rain fell. But there was no thunder or lightning, just God's tears. Tears for the moon over Jersey, for all that a life could be.

And home. I got on with my chores as usual, and then as I couldn't get the new Humans series to run on the computer, I decided to go for a drive, and I drove up to the cliffs and just drove, enjoying the smooth even action of this car that I adore, Max, the ghost of Anna, who perished in Jersey, Max is the same make and model as Anna, you see, he was compensation. God is Good. Everyone and everything we lose, comes back to us in ways that we cannot imagine, we never completely lose anyone, even if they are no longer there.
It was peaceful on the cliffs in the evening light, the sea was steel grey and it was ever so quiet as we drove.

I came home, watched a bit more DVD and now it is bed time.

Max!

Max passed his MOT at 12.15, and I am drinking coffee while I wait for my PIP assessment, coffee not a good idea, but hell, who cares?
I am not in such good shape, the walk down to town was too much for me and I am very anxious. The walk to collect Max will be the end of me.
Max's extra expenses are just oil and filter change and the snapped cable work on Saturday, I will be able to pay tomorrow and should be able to get my rent and bills paid this week as well. I may be a bit short of cash, but I think things will even out by the end of the week.

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

I would have liked a lie in and a quiet day after yesterday and before tomorrow, but no rest for the wicket-keeper.

Last night's shift was not mad, it was steady, like people had already bought their BBQ and party food. And round here the Royal celebrations were muted anyway, no street parties or special events.

As I sped round my deliveries - don't take that literally if you are a copper - There was a lady broken down on the roundabout where I broke down, unbelievable, but she unfortunately had the expensive breakdown firm out, they belong the the same company that run the garage that tried to charge so much for doing Florence's head gasket, I wouldn't like to be that poor lady who broke down. I was quite lucky in a way, not that breaking down just before your MOT when you are worrying about money is lucky.

Anyway, I would have liked a lie in, but although I don't normally garden on a Sunday, I went and finished yesterday's work because I need the money and they needed the work done. I also went to visit a new client, an elderly lady who has been being ripped off by her 'gardener' a man who doesn't know about gardens and hasn't looked after the garden but has been charging her the earth.

Then I came home and got on with writing, I washed the bed linens and my work clothes as well, and hoovered my room, wiped the surfaces, did some cooking, caught up with the weekend tasks basically, until delivery driving.

The driving shift was busy, the customer were sods, we all got stressed but I had a right meltdown, thankfully everyone was OK with it as I am not the only one who does that, but I feel bad when I have meltdowns because it brings up emotions and because the church say I am mad and bad, so I feel guilty about getting stressed and upset. Tomorrow is a big day, I would be more worried if I couldn't feel stressed or emotional, because it would mean I had returned to dissociating.

Anyway, very tired, and in a bit of pain, I will sleep now and hope for the best.

Saturday

Hey peeps,

You won't believe it.
Max decided to break down on the biggest and busiest roundabout in the district.

He always does something before the MOT.

The big roundabout, one of the only ones in our district, is in town, near the police station. There is a box junction area, and we were lucky that it was a Saturday, the Royal Wedding, and there was no car behind us. Max's throttle cable snapped. I panicked, last time someone broke down there, the police whopped them with a mallet and slapped a ticket on the car. I think they impounded it too. It is not a clever place to break down.

I rolled Max onto the grass beside the road and gathered my thoughts, texted the car's best friend and my landlord, and thought about it. If I waited, the police would see me, and my history of the police violence and unjust treatment meant that I needed to get gone. I made a decision, to move Max on engine power, round the roundabout to the car park, not an easy one, and bound to annoy the hell out of people. It did annoy people, it was risky, but I managed it. Surprisingly Max actually rolled up the hill off the road as well. Once parked, I had a conversation with the car's best friend, and went to find something to drink as the sun was baking and I was stressed.

I had been heading for work as well, as I need every penny for the MOT and repairs.

The car's best friend was there in minutes, he only lives up the hill from the roundabout.
He did a makeshift on the throttle, and I drove Max after his van down to the industrial estate, where we got a cable and fixed it.

I will always remember the Royal Wedding as being a time when I was sat in a baking hot car park while the car was fixed, and occasionally I had to help with getting the cable into place. I am not good with hot sun, so I don't feel great, it seems like the sun will never stop shining now, and I find that hard, sunshine is beautiful but it makes me ill.

Annoying and frustrating, by  the time the cable was done, the Royal Wedding was over, and I was off back to work. Although I was so hot and tired I had to cut my work short anyway, as I needed to rest before this evening's shift. So, today didn't go well, and the cable repair has cost me what extra money I had put together on top of the MOT fee, so I have no more money over for any other MOT failure repairs. And I have the rent and a bill to pay as well as the MOT stuff.
At least the breakdown happened before the MOT and not during it.

I am trying to relax because the shift will be busy. I finished watching a box set drama called 'Safe' which was interesting, I don't watch many tv dramas these days. I am watching Maid in Manhatten now, and I have done some music reviews and put in a request for a payout for the end of the week, there has been absolutely nothing in the article writing line this week, and I have been so tired that it felt like I have done nothing.

Friday

Good evening peeps,

The blogs are statting up, someone wants an update.
The trip to London and the treatment really exhausted me, and sent me into relapse. So I have been in an exhausted fog all week. I had to have Tuesday off, and I worked from Wednesday, and will work half day tomorrow as well as driving shifts tomorrow and Sunday, and the Royal Wedding and World Cup will mean the shifts are mad, dangerous with drunk drivers and people, but probably very lucrative, which is good as Max has his MOT on Monday.

I did two quiet driving shifts this week, and I didn't work hard until today when I did heavy work, unfortunately my lower back has not responded well to treatment so as usual, staggering and in pain, but my neck did respond well, so it hasn't been too bad, I have been sleeping well and waking in the morning with that funny blank where the pain should be.

Max went in for safety test, but they came out with nothing that would directly fail the MOT, a few things that may indirectly fail it, but we won't know until the day, because the car's best friend scoffed and said he will change the sidelight bulb and put the car through as it is and see what it fails on and just do the work on that. Fair enough, I am just trying to put the money together for any repairs needed. Max is said to be in good shape considering his age and it is all just wear and tear. It  means monday will be mad, with MOT and me in for PIP assessment, I believe I am the last person to be transferred from DLA to PIP and it has taken months already.

I am delaying the rest of the spine surgery until the car costs are all sorted and until PIP is awarded, and until I am back from Wales, I have a London run when I get back anyway, may as well combine that and the spinal treatment, then technically I don't have to pay for the journey, although I have fare vouchers for one leg of the journey and I now have a disabled coach card as well for that leg.

Tomorrow I will do the care home and one of the property contracts, I won't watch the Royal Wedding but I will have the afternoon off before doing what will probably be the most crazy evening shift ever.
I am still too tired, still in relapse really. Well, the shock of treatment as well as that long journey to and from London, it is hardly surprising.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

I got home last night tired and went to sleep.
I slept through the night and woke feeling a bit odd because my neck wasn't troubling me. They got all the bad tissue out of my neck, the whiplash tension, it will probably seize up again later on, especially if lack of money disrupts the treatment, which is likely.
My lower back has been grumpy, it tried to give way after the treatment, when I was having a mooch around Westminster Cathedral.

Today I was too tired to garden or to do much, I wrote to Prince Harry to wish him well, random thing to do, and I tried to get things on my to do list done, and I did some washing and hung it out in the hot sunshine.

This evening I had a driving shift but it was very quiet and I finished early.

Things have turned out so that Max has to have his MOT on Monday or Tuesday, when I have my PIP and dental appointments, far from ideal but my mechanic is going away and then so am I.

Monday - spine treatment

Hey peeps,

Today's treatment has been successful, it is just a question of being able to keep it up.
I am in London. I am going for coffee and then heading home.
The journey here was OK, but I will be getting tired.
Anyone for coffee?

Sunday

Good evening peeps,

So you are waiting to hear how today went.

It went pretty well.

Well this morning the alarms went off at 4am and my tired body and mind protested roundly. I had to put the heavy machine on my neck before I could do anything.
I showered, dressed, had tea, forgot my breakfast, and hurried to farm duties. I had weighed  the feeds out yesterday afternoon, so it all got done quickly.

Then off I went to my marshaling point. I arrived at 5.55 and met the head marshal for that point and my two fellow marshals.
To start with I stood with another marshal as we directed traffic, and then the lines moved up and I directed up from the bottom of the road on my own.
The head marshal went and got coffees, so I had a nice sugary coffee, I know I don't have sugar any more but this was a special occasion.

It was a cold morning early on and I was in a short sleeved work shirt with boots and jeans and hi viz, but as time went on, the sun grew warm and I was just the right temperature, until the next martial moved to another point and I moved up. Then I was back in the shade.
Technically I can't martial, because I can't stand, but it's the same as gardening to the end of the season, I don't want to give in to the problems. My left ankle has developed the same problem as the right, so now the knee and ankle are both bad, but anyway, there was plenty of time for stretches on my legs and walking up and down a little bit.
And after a while I was just running a cheeky commentary on the whole show and hoping the drivers had their windows wound up, and I did a bit of a dance here and there, made a number of people laugh. It was fun, volunteering at events makes me very cheeky, changes my character.

Anyway, eventually the need for marshals at our point was over and the next point was well staffed, so our marshals dispersed home or to other parts of the events, and I was undecided, and eventually decided to go for an all day breakfast, seeing as I had missed my breakfast.
I had a tasty old breakfast at one of my fave cafes, and spent some time down at the sea wall, there were sailing and free water based activies going on, but it would be stupid for me to even try at the moment.

I came home, did whatever chores were on my list, cleaning my room, washing up, the week's work list, packing tomorrow's bag, then I put a DVD on and unsurprisingly fell asleep, I slept the rest of the afternoon into the evening and woke at about 8.20, groggy and confused.
I did some supper and enlisted some help in printing tomorrow's ticket as my printer was out of ink, shouldn't happen as it emails the suppliers when it needs ink, but guess where the ink is sent? Not here but to my mail handlers, who I have not collected my post from this week.

Anyway, so the ticket got printed and I am all set for tomorrow. Not a terribly early start as my appointment is late lunchtime in London, but it is a long old journey to London from here.

Phew, busy busy, farm duties finished, mowing done, marshaling done, London to go, and then back to the relatively normal working week, maybe.
Next week I have PIP assessment one day and dental checkup the next, I will be so headachy.

Saturday

Hey peeps,

Please excuse my larking around earlier, it has been a tough week with pain and the farm and I needed some light relief.

Today I spent most of the day at the farm, the tractor mower is broken, so I have been continuing and completing the hard task of using the heavy industrial mower on the grass, my spine has been so bad that I didn't strim anything. The mowing is all done though.

And the animals are mainly happy, the baby chicks didn't want to go back in their box this evening, and two ducks wandered off, the ducks stray a lot now but the bosses aren't doing anything about the fence. The new pigs do not go mad for food like the last ones, not yet anyway, so when I put the food in the troughs they just look up and flip their ears and go back to not bothering. They are funny when they run around and grunt.
The younger hens are in the barn with the new ones now, and I have had fresh eggs all week. Don't tell anyone I drop a bit of the Quail food for them sometimes because they love it!

I went from the farm straight to my driving shift this evening, the last bit of mowing was in the rain as well.

I had a mad shift this evening, it was non stop, but my takings were good, which is what matters, it meant I could get stuff for tomorrow and I will have cash for coffees and food on Monday.
Tomorrow I have to be up at 4am, I have my last farm duties before starting at 6am as a marshal for a local event, and that will be a half day's marshaling before I come home and rest, because on Monday I go to the clinic in London for the first treatment on my spine. Excited? Nervous? Yes.

So, I had better say goodnight, peeps. I came home with a Korma for my supper, tasty but not ideal for a late supper maybe :)

Next week I hope to be in less pain and I will resume my full gardening rounds, and get some more writing done, not that my payout for writing this week has been bad :)

Friday

Good evening peeps,

Well most of my work today has been at the farm, and I still have mowing left to do.
The pigs are mad and giggly and thankfully the ducks behaved after being a pain yesterday, talking of pain, I am in less pain today but the heavy mowing doesn't help, but I am starting my treatment at the clinic on Monday, can you believe I am a few days from starting having my spine repaired? Years of pain.

Not much else to say, just plodding on with writing, work, the farm. And tomorrow I am back at the farm, Sunday I do  a very early last farm duty before I go and help with marshaling.
Monday I go to London to start spinal treatment.

Thursday

Good lunchtime peeps,

Jersey just marched onto the blog and demanded an explanation, the answer is inbreeding, time they started shipping people off your little rock.

I am having a day off for pain and writing. I am just going to venture to the shop for painkillers.

Yesterday I did a good day's work, but the stress on my body is too much, this is my last gardening season, and I start treatment on my spine next week.

I have a large mug of tea but no painkillers, and I have been doing a book review, finishing an article, which was accepted immediately, and more. And been making arrangements with the clinic for my treatment.

The sun is shining and my workmate was happy about that, but I am indoors. I have farm duties later but nothing heavy. The pigs are great, they come running just to say hi. I have all the mowing at the farm to do by Sunday, but with this pain, it is the worst job.

On Sunday I have my last duty in the morning and am then marshalling for another event, erm, that means farm duties at about 5am, the geese will not be amused.
I am enjoying the hens eggs though.

Jersey just sneeked onto the blog. Look Jersey, I nicked Rosemary's elephant off the fridge!

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,

I have been in great pain all day, starting when I woke. I had another episode of nightmares and racing heart in the night as well.

I contacted the clinic as I feel that I should proceed with treatment on my spine even though it will be difficult, may as well go ahead now.

I couldn't garden, and it was so hot, so I sat tiredly on the bed, with all sorts of pillows, and wrote as best I could.

In the evening I was OK to go shopping and do a delivery shift.
Then I came home and got on with writing, the writing business is evolving but slowly, I am doing music reviews now as well as book reviews, and I have an article about beauty that I am halfway through, I have several writeups of other things in final draft.

Bankolody Monday

Good evening peeps,

Just writing.

Although I am sleeping through the night, we are back in a nightmare patch, and I woke with a start just before 6am, my heart was pounding and I was deeply upset, the nightmare was the real past again, police violence and injustice and my old abuser, Jane Fisher.

I got up and the sun was shining on a clear and already warm morning, this heat wave is bad in being warm early and late, not much fun on delivery driving.

I had to write some of the trauma out to fade it, but then I just wanted to go to work, bank holiday and trauma aside, so I went to the care home and weeded. They have a new lady who is very enthusiastic about the garden and is doing lots, so I found her some seedlings and cuttings to do things with.

Then I went and put Max through the car wash.

Then I came home, behind the slow bank holiday drivers and through the heat. But then I found that my abuser, Justin Welby, was showing off again, which ruined my day and left me traumatized. He really is a psychopath, isn't he? No normal human being would destroy people as he destroyed me and Bob and then go on and on boasting and doing PR stunts as Welby has, he is a very evil and empty-hearted man, who doesn't know God nor respect humanity.

Anyway, so my day was ruined and it was hard to go on living, let alone do anything, Welby re-abuses me every time Luther-Pendragon open his mouth and make him bray.

Anyway, I tried to watch films and do some writing, and eventually I went to my driving shift, it was hot and it was boring, and I did some write-up of something I am doing while I waited, I finished early as well.

Now I am trying to get my life back from the brink that my abuser, Justin Welby has pushed it back to, that man destroyed me and left me to die, and still he boasts instead of being arrested as a normal abuser would be, one who isn't high profile and relying on high powered lawyers and PR firms.

Sunday

Good afternoon peeps,

I had nightmares and woke with my heart pounding, I was worried about the rate which my pulse was, I could feel my blood hammering round. I can't remember the dreams.
I went to the loo and slept peacefully until the sunshine woke me.

I was lazy about my routine, and when I was finally dressed and presentable, I got the blue bike and biked to a local attraction to do a major photo shoot and visitor experience for a write-up, it was fun in the glorious weather.
I had remembered an inhaler this time, I had my backpack with inhaler, bottle of squash and other things. I had lunch at the attraction and a cuppa, very pleasant.

I came home and have been writing. I have been asked to do a delivery shift tonight and I have agreed. I will take my book and hope it is a quiet shift.

The weather is glorious, already too hot for me, but beautiful.
I am resting and quietly writing while watching films and things.

My landlord is back, he thinks the blue bike is great, well it is, this morning I was telling tourists at the local attraction that the blue bike is a piece of history, well it is.

Saturday

Good evening peeps,

I had to pull out of the community event, because I simply didn't feel well enough and knew I couldn't withstand it. It is a pity because my friend lives up there and she said that although they were out this weekend, I could let myself in and help myself to tasty stuff and tea and keep the dog company when I had a break. So I didn't get to do that or the event.

I had high dose meds and was out of pain enough by lunchtime to grab the blue bike and scoot into town for a jacket potato with cheese and salad, but I was having way too much fun on the blue bike and scooted around for several hours, remember all those years ago when it was like that? Even though I knew it would have an impact on me. The sun was shining loudly and the sky was dangerously blue, the quay was lovely in the sun with the boats and a supply ship docked and keeping us fed , and I kept meeting people I knew, who commented on the bike, and one of them tried to ride it round, with me giggling and shrieking at them not to damage it as they are not used to riding a bike.

I came home tired and got on with writing and paperwork, and I got a text asking if I could do a driving shift this evening, so I said yes.

It is the time of year to think about changes of scenery, so I looked on the working holidays group that I belong to, and contacted the one that most took my fancy, I am lucky in having the right skill set for working holidays, being trained in farming and gardening, volunteering and cleaning :) Anyway, instead of a reply from the people I contacted, when I looked at my emails there was one from my friends in Wales, they are going away at the beginning of June and asked if I wanted to house sit and pet sit for a week. And there it is, a working holiday. So yes, I am looking forward to it, and they have that car, the one they offered me, and it has tax and MOT, so I can pootle around my lovely Wales while they are away, I won't be taking Max, you see. It is a year since the last trip to Wales, but Max boy is older now, and if he gets through the MOT, it will be a quiet last year for him.

Anyway, so I got on with my work until it was time to go to work. Work was funny tonight, I got in and there was a massive order for miles away, outside of our usual region, and I was told I would take it and would drop off something left off another order on the way, then I was told to go see the bosses for something, and they said I was on another delivery, then they told me just to take the forgotten item, and I did, and when I got back, the big delivery and the other one had gone, I didn't care, I got about 20 minutes to drink coffee and read my book before the shift exploded into action and remained busy.

I made a good wage tonight, and got home complete with a tasty takeaway supper, and my landlord was home and stopped to chat before taking an early night to recover from his week in the land of cheap booze and bikinis. I really make my friends laugh by casting such aspersions, as they have known him for so long and he isn't interested in booze and bikinis, he is a pleasant chap who likes bikes, kayaks and all sorts of things, but not booze and bikinis.

I think I will have the rest of the weekend off apart from writing, and a driving shift on Monday night. Tomorrow I want to go and do another photo shoot and write-up of a local attraction, seeing as the last one went down really well.

Friday

Good evening peeps.

Last night I slept OK, had nightmares about being back in some bad lodgings and a few church bad dreams, but woke OK this morning and went to do the farm.

The farm was hard work, even with the tractor, mainly the strimmer was hard work, it still plays up and the vibration is just too much for my spine and joints. The mowing went OK, the animals always shout and run around, they either run away or towards the mower, the new pigs were having a great time, giggling and skittering around, they are already growing well and look healthy.

After that I came home and changed as I had two meetings where I have to pretend to be smart and articulated. One was another wild goose chase, no-one there, and the next was more successful, no more on that yet, wait and see.

I was due to do one last garden after that but I was tired and aching. Poundland has rasperry Magnums so I had one of those and some anti-inflammatories and came home and back to writing, while watching DVDs, reading a book, doing the chores, cooking supper, and generally relaxing.

I have pulled out of the community event as it will be too much for me, the setting up was shambolic, so relaxing the weekend will be good, I have the blue bike, so I may bike up the lanes to a local attraction and do a write-up of it with photos.

Thursday

Good evening peeps,

Just briefly as I should be asleep, lots of work and heavy work should mean lots of sleep, my body and mind are rigid about needing sleep, and I struggled to wake up and get up this morning after larking about on the blue bike yesterday.

However, I did get up, and put the bed linens in the wash as the weather was due fine.
I scrambled myself together, did some tasks, and headed for work.
I was on heavy clearance work, a shrubbery that hasn't been touched for years, up on the cliffs.
During my sleep last night my brain decided to continue to do admin work, and woke me up at some silly time to advise me to change today's schedule, it was right though.

Today was supposed to be a full day of heavy work, two separate properties, and then a driving shift, old brain said 'swap the afternoon's work over to another day' and it was correct, that was the right thing to do. I am supposed to work all weekend on the big community event, and a heavy day's work and a driving shift, with heavy work and a lot to do tomorrow and a lot of prep for the weekend, all in all it would be too much.

This morning's work was hard and heavy but I made significant progress, while the fog swirled over the sea, and at some point a military jet leaped somewhere out to sea and roared over, the military are out there, it looks like prep for Liberation Day, and it probably is.

Anyway, so when I finished there I was really aching and struggling to walk, so I came home and got on with chores and writing work until it was time to go to my shift.

I worked a long shift at a steady pace, it was a funny old evening, and I had a book to read during the lulls.

Now home, I have the farm first thing, mowing and strimming - I am on farm duties half of next week and I have to learn about the new pigs, but tomorrow is just mowing and strimming, hard work though, and then I have errands and then another garden, tomorrow evening I have to get the house smart for my landlord's return, not that it is in any way messy, and I have to finish the preparations for the weekend.

Wednesday

Good evening peeps.

Well I overheated in the night and woke in pain. And it was pouring with rain. There were 75 articles on the team board for me to take my pick from, so I stayed in my pyjamas and got on with writing.
At about 9.15 someone turned up with the blue bike. I put jeans and jumper over my pyjamas and put plimsolls on and went out into the rain and paid him and took the blue bike. The blue bike was in good shape, ready to ride, but in the rain I put a carrier bag over her saddler and left her round the side, my landlord is away so I don't know where she is to live yet, we have various sheds and garages here.

I showered and dressed and got on with writing. Then my friend emailed to say she was icing a chocolate cake and had thought that I would love to come and eat some of it!

Well I replied to ask when, but she had wandered off and forgotten emails, as she does, and I had a meeting at 1, so I continued to write, went to the meeting but couldn't find the place, even with the satnav! I came home feeling deflated and went back to writing.
My friend emailed 'come on over' and as the rain had stopped, I said I would  bike over, my first bike ride. They live about three quarters of a mile away as the crow flies, but the crow does not fly in zigzags round the lanes, so I set off, I was very wobbly and scared down the hill, and I went down through the fords, but I took the wrong turn, realised, went back, took the right turn but was worried, so I diverted onto the main road and back onto the lanes, and there I was. I got very short of breath, I forgot I was asthmatic courtesy of the CofE, and didn't have an inhaler with me. Anyway, I got there, and we had coffee and cake and talked a lot.

Then she was going to go into town and she said to me 'Do you want to bike into town?' I said an absolute yes, what a fun idea.
We biked into town, I was getting used to the bike again now and could do hand signals and glide along. At one point I stupidly decided we should race, and although we were giggling like mad, I knew I was overdoing it and got very short of breath.
We went to some shops and an art gallery, the gallery had loads of handmade soft toys that I wanted to buy, all of them, sounds like me?

And then we parted company as time was getting on and she had an evening class to teach. I biked home via a cool lemonade halfway up the hill, I am so unused to biking and the day had turned warm and sunny so I was very thirsty and tired.

I got home and there were still loads of articles, so I got on with them and put a load of washing on and then out on the line and had a shower.
Now still writing and watching DVDS at the same time, funny how I have Amazon and Netflix, All 4, BBC iPlayer and more and I still like the same DVDs over and over, it's an autistic thing.

Tomorrow I go back down to the earth with a bump, heavy garden work all day and then a driving shift in the evening.

Tuesday

Good evening peeps,
Apart from Jersey, bog off Jersey, all the prayers in the world won't undo your harm to me.
You know I get told off for saying things like that. I keep dreaming about Bob dying.

Anyway, last night I wrote until my eyes were closing. And then I woke early this morning, too early, and wrote until the articles ran out, which was about 5 hours. All my articles have been reviewed and accepted throughout the day, and I have earned the rent through my writing this week.
I did also shower, dress and have breakfast and did the housework chores.

My morning client for gardening was cancelled, I think I am losing that one, and I don't mind. I find it healthy to move on and take on new gardens, I am a garden clearance expert and thus it is nice to finish projects.

Anyway, I was tired from the almost all night writing, and so in the afternoon I dithered about viewing new gardens, doing the care home or the farm, and in the end I went to town for toiletries and post office, and came home and slept for a few hours. I hadn't had lunch, so I woke up hungry two hours before my delivery driving shift.

I cooked some turkey steak and got on with admin work, I always have so much on the admin list, I fall over myself trying to do too much.

Then I went to my shift, it was quiet, not dead, but I only did short deliveries and finished early.
I am walking lame at the moment, my back down to my left leg, which is opposite to usual, always worrying, but tomorrow I am rained off, so it is good to let my back and leg rest.

Tomorrow, hopefully, the blue bike is being brought back to me, in sound condition. Hoorah!
And then I have a new venture to go and check out.

We are nearly at the weekend and I am still struggling to prepare, I am helping out all weekend on a community event, a slow and tentative foray back into my old way of life, I am nervous and have so much to prepare.

I hope to have my long delayed assessment on Monday at the gym, to return to supervised training. Has to be supervised, broken back, the gym and gardening are the biggest risks to bone slippage and loss of walking.