This morning I cheerfully sat at the viewpoint, drinking zero coke, not zero coke, zero coke.
And I was studying cheerfully to myself. I wrote an assignment outline and studied a lot.
Then I needed the loo and a lunch, so I went to the garden centre for those, and studied some more with my lunch.
Then I came home, considered the beach as the weather was so hot and sunny.
I was so shattered though, that I wanted to lie on the bed and sleep, but when I do that these days, I tend to sleep for hours.
I stayed awake as I had two gardens to do in the afternoon.
The gardens were tough because even two weeks ago in the rain, the grass in both was so long and I couldn't mow because of the weather, so I had two jungles to mow down. However I was successful but had a few problems. One being that the stupid neighbour decided to make me jump by jumping out and going boo. Funny for normal people but not for someone suffering severe complex PTSD. So I explained my feelings to him succinctly, I have a feeling he was rather shocked at that response.
But that wasn't the end of the disasters.
Already with this aching shoulder because any work I do affects it, and tired, stressed and unhappy, I was mowing the second lawn when I took a bad tumble in a hold the dog had dug in the lawn. It was my bad leg that took the brunt and I went over with a shriek.
I had to sit for a few minutes while my poor client apologized for her dog's handiwork.
I stood and walked, but it will be tomorrow before I see how my leg is really affected. I can feel it, I am trying to encourage it to just be normal, I cannot afford time off work for anything.
I am tired, aching, and fed up. I feel depressed, tired, and generally horrible. I know I can list reasons for this mood:
- moving to a flat and furnishing and equipping it
- changes in finance as I continue to leave benefits behind
- responsibility for a flat, car and working life
- shoulder injury and evil painkillers
- the impact of years of harm by the church of england
- struggling with incomprehensible and conflicting paperwork from all authorities
- a bad bed
- the new early starts and responsibility for the rural paper distributions
- The car
- paperwork responsibilites for being self employed
- therapy and the memories and issues it stirs
- The sudden hot weather
Yeah, so I guess my state of mind and tiredness are not nothing.
Tomorrow I have therapy in the morning and then I have to wait in for the phone engineer in the afternoon.
That means I will have another hard work day on Thursday.
I feel like a cold shower and a very early night. I really should sort out a better supper first, I have had some rice and am vaguely watching Hollyoaks.