Wednesday morning

Good morning,

I was dreaming strange dreams and had an episode of waking up too hot and suffering horrors about the church of england.
Then I got up when the alarm went off, not too tired or depressed.
Got dressed and went to do the papers, the car windows were clear apart from the windscreen which has a layer of almost ice on it.
A lot of the papers hadn't arrived at the shop so I had to go with the ones that had, as they were not due to arrive for hours and I had to get the papers to the rural distributor and get my rounds out, I have therapy and then work this morning so I couldn't wait.

As usual a glorious sunrise went into a sunny beautiful morning, temperatures are a little higher than expected for this time of year but there is a strong breeze that makes the sea more interesting.

As you may know, I have nominated the Bishop of Winchester as the leader of the mars colony, but I have had a complaint about why should we infect mars?

Tuesday - briefly

Hi peeps,

I have been getting reminders to update you.

The weather is glorious with beautiful sunrises and moons and sunshine and sea and wind and things.

I am busy with university, and I would be busy with work if my customers weren't ill and it would help if I felt better too.
There is a bug bugging around.

My bestest mate is seriously ill in hospital with a poor prognosis. That is one of the reasons I really don't feel like blogging.

I have finished my day's study very well as well as having a nice drive in the sunshine and some extra sleep.
I am just going to have a bath and then go to bed.

Tomorrow is therapy and then work.

a life defining question...

Does anyone actually like Greek style yogurt?
Does anyone like yogurt at all or is it kind of an obligation?

Jersey, St. Clements Bay

The darkness is eternal

and the cold is unrelenting

It is so cold 

that the sea is frozen

I walk on the frozen beach

and there is ice on green island and the rocks

I can see the cardinal markers

I can see the lights on the French Coast

I walk in the dark

and I remember I died here

I can't stop walking

further from the light

my home on the great ship bay

is always in sunlight and joy

but the frost and cold are in my heart

drawing me to where I fell

I try to count the years since my death

and try to turn back towards the light

I died here, and the cold and dark call me

the frost in my heart makes the light and joy of my home unreal

Can't I bring my soul home, to the great ship bay

and rest with the warmth and joy in my heart?

Until my destroyers release me, I am trapped here

fallen on the frozen bay and waiting

The sea beats on the wall, the night goes on,

I go on waiting

and I know you wait too

you can't release me from this so you wait too

there is no happy ending, we know that

because death happened there

so we wait, I look out on the midnight sea

and you stand in the shadows

you are the lantern-bearer, guiding light

you stand in the shadows and they never see your face

Friday evening

Good evening,

I meant to warn you about the gap in the blog. Although it wasn't the Jersey trip.
However, I am here now.
And my car is back on the road.
But I am feeling a bit rough.

A lot going on here.

I will be updating as normal as soon as possible.
At the moment I am in pain but I am just doing the weekend clean and clear up as usual and the washing is done.

And I discovered this song about the Diocese and their attack on a voiceless vulnerable adult:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JPnB8QV3LSs

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

I am just listening to this song which joins the hall of fame for this part of my life, alongside the immortal lullaby of the Great Ship Bay, which I often post on here when I am listening to it, new song for my life musical: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYF8Y47qZQY
And not because I am on drugs!

This is the lullaby of the Great Ship Bay, and of my home and new life:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qt9tWQ-BwxE

Anyway, yesterday was a difficult day, I never got my energy and the weather was bad, so I didn't get much work done.
I deliver the morning papers so of course I got to hear about Piggate first, and watched while the internet went mad about it.

I got some study done, well quite a lot actually, and then I was in an online university tutorial. My new headset works just fine, so that helps.

I was tired so I went to bed fairly early. I dreamed a lot, probably because I used 5HTP to try to change my mood yesterday, and I woke easily this morning and got to the shop as it was beginning to get light and delivered the papers in the early sunrise.
It is a cold clear day, and I have therapy and then some work.

The car is in the process of being repaired, but he is doing it in his spare time, so it may be a few days yet.

Tuesday morning

It is raining,
What fun.

I got a good lot of studying done, and went to bed early as I was tired.
I slept rather restlessly and woke with the first alarm.
It is 5.30 and it is still dark outside.

My ankle and leg are being a pain lately, it is hard to put weight on that ankle during the night and early morning, which means I need physio.

Today is due to rain and I only have a little bit of work apart from the papers.
At this time of morning I always feel like I will go back to bed when I get back from the papers, but I never do.
No flashbacks this morning for a change, although they may start later.

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well I went to work this morning and managed to get a lot done before the rain, then I came back exhausted and have been listening to two professors for most of the day, and learning very complicated stuff.

Then I got some shopping and watched my programmes, the rain and wind were bad but they died out.
I am tired now, early night time for me.

Monday morning

Good morning,

Well I slept reasonably well but dreamed a lot and woke at 2.30am too hot and a bit distressed.
The halfway house over the road has gained noisy new inmates and so I closed the windows when I went to bed last night, so I got too hot.

But I slept again, dreamed some more and woke this morning when the alarms went off, as usual I was drifting and let time pass, and then it was time to go and I grabbed the car keys instead of the bike keys by accident, the bike keys and spare car keys look very similar.
So I had to hurry back and get the bike keys.

Then I headed for the shop, grabbed my papers and delivered them as a beautiful sunrise streaked the sky red, pink and orange.

I got the papers done quick and was home for 7.30.

I have been doing online university stuff, now I have a few hours of work before it rains, and my other work is cancelled so it is all university after work.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I did lamb for lunch and went bowling.
I didn't really enjoy bowling, the alley was very crowded with birthday parties, and we had three lanes but I didn't really know the people on my team, friends of friends and one was very loud while the other two were very quiet.
I left early.

At least I have forced myself out to socialize, which is a battle, I hate going out, I am Ok when I am out, usually, but getting myself to go out is not easy.

Anyway, I got home, settled to read and watch television, and the car's best friend turned up, he drove her round the block, hummed and hawed and talked engines to me, I nodded politely, and then he took the car away for a sleepover at his house.
The car may not be back in any hurry, it prefers his house.

So I returned to my television and books, vaguely watching 'The curious case of Benjamin Button' and vaguely reading 'The Green Mile'.

I must get food and then have an early night, I think.

To be honest, I prefer biking round my old round to doing the rural routes, despite the distance on the bike and the loss of money.

The church blog has been being read a lot, but I am not actually putting any thought to it at the moment, I have put some latin on there just to be a pain.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Well, I slept well but dreamed sad, and woke in flashbacks.
And although it is a later start on Sunday, some of the alarms still went off early and I am too used to being up early.
But due to the flashbacks, I was delayed getting out, and I biked down the bay in the mist and early sunrise and got to the shop first, and it wasn't open.
Normally at least 'owd Bert is waiting for the shop to open,  but this morning no-one, just me, then they slowly started arriving, but I was the only paper person waiting, and when the shop opened, my round was ready first.
I had to borrow a paper bag because I had forgotten mine, then off I went, nice and early, but someone had marked my round wrong so it was a nightmare to sort out!
At the end I went back to the shop, returned the bag, grumped about the order of the papers, and collected my wages.

I stayed out to bike up and down the bay a bit, lovely early sunshine and mist, very peaceful and quiet, I don't get much time to bike about during the week now.

Then I came home and have been writing, feeling a bit better from flashbacks, they are dreadful when I am half awake, they overwhelm me.

I am just listening to random songs, 'Super Trouper' reminds me of my older siblings finding double meanings in songs when I was little. Unfortunately Abba songs have a lot of double meanings.
I was also trying to remember the name of a book about a girl musician who was in a car crash with her family, the family were killed but while she was in a coma she was faced with a choice to go and be with them or go on living and dedicate her music to them.
Anyone remember the book I mean?

I don't feel like doing anything at all at the moment, I wonder if I will go bowling, I don't think I will go to the car boot sale or welfare.
And my friend is no better with illness, what surprises me is that she is still at home and not hospital but that is either her choice or maybe the hospital has another bug, our local hospital gets every vomiting bug and supervirus it can. My friend's family are looking after her and being protective but they are nice to me when I phone and ask how she is.

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well I have had a relatively quiet day.
I did have my study breakfast.
I have been studying and drifting, and I have been out on the bay on my bike for some time.
Then when I came home, the Princess Diaries was on, so I enjoyed watching that while studying. I am just watching a DVD linked to my university studies as I can't focus on my books any more.

The weather has been so nice that people have been swimming in the sea and sunbathing on the beach, not me, my sea swim season is over now.

I am tired now. Thankfully tomorrow is a later start for the papers due to it being Sunday, and although the Sunday papers are heavy, the round is smaller.

I am supposed to go bowling with my friends tomorrow, so I may go to the boot sale and then to bowling and then to the welfare, depending on energy levels.

I need to clear my things out of the car so it can be assessed or scrapped.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

Well I was back from doing the heavy papers just after 7.30, that's not bad is it peeps?

Last night after doing my online work with the other students, I did a little bit of study, then I went to sleep in my new bed.
Well I have trouble adjusting even to clean bed linen and the new bed had clean linen on it, so it took time for me to adjust to a new bed with clean linen.
The other problem was that the temperature has dropped and I am not heating the flat yet, so eventually I got up and got a blanket.

The bed was very comfy compared to the sofa bed, and I also managed to adjust my head support easily. so although it was about 11pm before I slept and I have to get up at 5.30, when I slept, I slept well, and woke this morning with no pain and feeling as if I had rested properly.
I did dream about Jersey again in the night, hardly surprising those of you who know why.
I dreamed I was with someone in Jersey and we were collecting volcanic ash off the Jersey live site, until someone spotted us, and I ran for it.

This morning when the alarms went off, I got up, decided not to shower before doing the papers, just because it is the weekend and I feel lazy and I think it is more effective to shower after doing the heavy papers.
I was doing some writing.
I am going to use some of my precious money on a study breakfast. I am saving what I can for the car, but I need to eat and I need to keep life lively and interesting and varied because that is one of the secrets to beating clinical depression.

Mum was delighted when I asked her if she was free to meet me after tutorial at the uni, it is so funny but it makes me feel like a real person as well. She also has to meet me after my music exam when I take that. I think that is what parents do, isn't it? :) *reads parent job description.

My old next door neighbour was delighted when I knocked on his door at five past seven this morning with his papers. While I have been doing the rural distribution, my old round has had several delivery people and they don't know about knocking on his door with the weekend papers even though I told them, and he said one day he hadn't got the paper by 8.50am because the lad never turned up. Tut tut, I need to make sure people keep the standards up!

I think the blue bike needs more air in it's tyres, although the tonnage of papers may just be weighing it down, plus the tonnage of me :)
Shut up!

Today started dark, because now it is always dark when I go out, and it was cool but not cold, dawn came with clear skies, real mist and a glowing sunrise into a clear and sunny day.
The sea was calm with gentle surf. I haven't been updating you on sea state and I am sure you have been missing that :)

The tooth that lost the filling has settled down, I will wait until Thursday when they intend to extract or crown it :( The journey, by bus because the car is broken, would take hours there and back, and I need to relax and study today. I am much more aware of my energy levels and limits these days so I avoid things that will leave me overtired, and the tooth has lost some it's jagged broken edge so it will be OK, hopefully, until Thursday.

Anyway, study breakfast and peaceful drifting through study and sunny seaside days on the bay :)
Let's hope that God always keeps me protected here from the Diocese and their police, because one more attack that ruins this would kill me.
Lord have mercy and keep me safe from the church of england's vindictiveness, in Jesus Name, amen

Friday

Good evening,

Well I meant to write earlier but I had a busy day.

This morning I woke to the sound of pouring rain and the alarm clock having hysterics because I was dozy.
I got to the shop on good time but they were lagging a bit with marking the papers, it is local paper day so the rounds are twice the usual size, and the lad at the shop laughed at me trying to lift the pile of papers, he said 'It's been a while hasn't it?' because I have been using the car for so long now.

Thankfully the rain didn't stay too bad, there were stormclouds and rain over the sea, but despite the heavy round, I did good time and got my paper on the way home.

At home I had only a few hours to get washed and dressed, get the flat sorted and the sofa bed moved, in time for the bed to be delivered.
The bed was due between 10 and 12am.

I got myself and the flat sorted and got the rubbish out. I put a note on the door of the block of flats to tell the delivery drivers I would be back in a few minutes, in case they were early, then I nipped round the corner to the laundarette to pick up my clothes wash and drop of the linens, towels, mats and cloths wash.

I came back with my clothes and as soon as I opened the flat door, the intercom buzzed.
The bed had arrived. it is new and it has a nice mattress with it. I have expressed my gratitude to the local support who helped to arrange it.
The bed fits nicely where the sofa bed was, and with the furniture re-arranged, the sofa bed is sitting comfortably in another space.
You won't believe this, I could have kept the sofa bed as I bought it myself, but 20 minutes before the bed was delivered, I got a phone call from a local charity furniture warehouse, telling me they had got a sofa bed that could suit me, I had to tell them that I was just having a nice bed delivered, and I offered them my sofa bed as an after-thought. It is almost a pity now because the sofa bed has snuggled into a little space and I could have kept it as a sofa. It has piles of university files and textbooks on it at the moment.
I didn't know that charity would accept the sofa bed but they phoned back this evening saying they would. It's a shame now the flat is re-arranged and the sofa bed fits in a space that could have been made for it.
Even funnier, my landlady offered me a folding bed yesterday.
I would say this is musical beds, but I think that that is a term for something very norty.

Anyway, so when the bed was delivered, I set it up, and then started to shift the other furniture around. The end result is quite satisfactory. The flat is a slightly awkward design and I have to arrange things so there is nothing to bump into, trip over or bump my head on, because I am dyspraxic, and furniture and cables just throw themselves into my path.

So anyway, due to it being a non-work day apart from the papers and housework and furniture reshuffle. I was resting at lunctime, reading my book and listening to the music from 'Cats' the musical, and I was very tired, so I found the light duvet and some pillows, climbed onto the new bed, and slept for three hours.
I dreamed of Jersey, and the dream was in my usual Jersey dream format, always the same.

I woke and my bed linen was was ready at the laundarette, so I ironed myself out and went and collected it.
I continued to reshuffle the flat and my things, and made the bed.

Then I got to watch my programmes and do some study and also another online seminar with university.

The flat looks good and I was looking forward to a quiet weekend of study, but unfortunately the filling fell out of my tooth. The whole damn lot! That is the tooth that they said was more filling than tooth and it may have to come out if this happened again. The whole lot of filling all fell out in a lump, leaving just jagged edges of the former tooth.
Well, it will either have to come out or be crowned.
Crown Him with many Crowns...
Well, so, still without the car, I have to trek 10 miles or so to the only NHS dentist in the region tomorrow, without a car and when the buses will be busy.
Hopefully they can file the jagged edges, and then they will repair or remove the damn thing on Thursday. Just what I don't need with more work now and no car, and my friend who would give me a lift is very ill.
Ho-hum, life is never straightforward is it?

At least the weather is dry now, but cold.

Thursday

Good evening from a very tired person.



Well I slept OK last night but dreamed a lot. I had cleaned the flat and been in an online university seminar.

When I woke in the morning I already felt tired but the weather was OK, so I biked to the shop and did my paper round, and went straight from there to work, starting work at 8.15am, about 8 or 10 miles away, so I was doing well.
And I managed to get good hard work done before biking back, having lunch and a shower and changing into smart clothes.
Then I dropped my washing of at the laundarette and it won't be ready until midday tomorrow, so I will collect it after the bed arrives.

Then I went to my trial for new work. It is different work, but I can learn it and it is two minutes away so that is great, my next shift is on Monday. It is only casual and temporary.

Anyway, I came home and chatted with my neighbour and landlady.
The blue bike is tied to a tree, chewing oats, it has done very well today.
But I am tired and in pain, today has been too much for me.

Tomorrow is easier, just the heavy local papers with the rounds first thing and then a day off, and a weekend off, if I am lucky, apart from the papers.

Why is it in Hollyoaks, every accident turns into unconsciousness and death? Maybe their Hospital is not very good.
Hmm, I would not like to go to hospital there. I am worried about my friend.

I am not going to do anything this evening, no study, no housework, no nothing, no reading, just finishing my programmes and then an early night. I will sleep well, but I must wake up at 5.30 to get the papers done.

We will just run a teeny test if you want to take part Can you tell when I am in Jersey?

Oh, a funny thing earlier. I was working in my client's garden and the postwoman came by and gave me the post, I fleetingly wondered why she seemed relieved to hand the post over, and I took it indoors.
My client said 'Was the postman a lady postman?' which made me want to laugh out loud, but he was serious, and I said yes, he said 'Did she seem cross? I said no.
But apparently one of the dogs got out and headbutted her the other day, so he is worried. The dogs are lovely but it must have scared the postwoman.

Wednesday

Good afternoon,

Well I slept better last night but didn't deliver papers this morning.
The weather has been dreadful again.

I will be back on the blue bike, doing my old round tomorrow and until we sort the car out.
It is harder with the blue bike now as I am some distance from the shop, and the weather is bad these days.
And tomorrow I have to get to work 8 miles away or more straight after the rounds and then back here for a trial run with my new type of work.
Argh and not a single clean shirt in the house and not enough change for the washing machine.
Don't worry, I will handwash my two dark work shirts.

Anyway, so this morning I was due to go to collect my parcels from the sorting office a few miles away,  and forgot the card I needed to collect them. stumped and cross, I walked down to the garage where the car was sitting sadly, paid the diagnostic fee and drove the car home. I knew the car would run, and it started and ran sweetly, although that does not mean it is safe or OK to drive, what mattered was that a short distance at a low speed brought the car home so I can empty it and together with the car's best friend when he comes home from working away, we will assess the car, and decide on scrapping or repairing it ourselves, not using a garage that has it's own interests at heart.
This will not be an overnight process so I will be without a car or a decision for up to a week. My adoptive parents have expressed support if need be, and I will be saving any money that comes in in order to try and resolve this situation.
Life is tough sometimes, and some of my livelihood is being lost during the wait and if I go without a car.

Anyway, the car started and ran home cheerfully with no warning lights on. But I can't drive her again now until we have sorted her out.
So then I took the ticket for my parcels, and got there to collect them, I didn't realise one of them would be a big box, I had taken my backpack with me but I had to carry the box.
I then went to the paper shop to resolve the whole situation and let them know what was going on and drop off customer bill payments, which can be cheques or cash, I worry about handling other people's money.

Then the rain was battering down and I got very wet making my way home with some soggy sausage and chips for lunch.

Once home, I opened my parcels, the new wireless router, the new net curtains, and the new water filter jug that means I don't have to descale the kettle every few weeks!

I was delighted to find that the net curtains were perfect fit, I had to do some cutting and that is not my strong point but the friend I would have asked to help me is very ill. So I cut the lengths of net curtain rather wonky but they look stunning in the windows. When I ever have time or money again I will replace the old brittle net curtains with the same type. The new nets are in windows that had no nets so they were priority. I feel proud of that achievement all by myself, measuring and cutting and things, things that are hard for me. I know all about 'gathering' and 'drop' now, all domesticated.

I managed to set the router up but I haven't managed to set the water filter up yet, maybe I ran out of genius for now.
The flat is going through another re-arrangement, I am pleased to tell you that after the hellish sleeping on the sofa bed, which makes such a nice sofa and such an awful bed, I am having a new bed delivered on Friday. Not a sofa bed, sadly but I think sleep is more important than anything now.

I came home soaking wet from town, so even my long sleeved top is soaked now. I am sitting here in pyjamas. I am going to wash my work shirts with boiling water from the kettle and washing powder, in the sink.

I think I need to sort myself and my flat out as I am sitting here drifting and I must get some study done too. The place could do with a hoover and a mop, and I need something for supper.

What can I say about political leaders and paedophile Bishops? Not much, don't expect statements from me at the moment. Have any of you tried these ripen at home fruits that are trending these days? Sometimes they are good, sometimes they just go rotten or stay too hard as well as going bad.
I like flat peaches, very stackable.

Tuesday evening

Good evening peeps,

Well it hasn't been the best day. The car developed a problem as I did the papers, thankfully I was back into the town route by then, not in the countryside, so another delivery driver collected the papers and I rolled the car down the hill to the garage.

The cost of repair is massive and I cannot afford it yet.
Then my friend, who hasn't been well, has pneumonia.
She had a cold and a chest infection, and it got worse. I don't feel so well myself, I kind of almost caught the cold but when I got a sore throat I used TCP which can stop things getting worse due to killing the bacteria.
I have had headaches and a temperature but apart from that I hardly have a cold.
My friend has her family to look after her, thankfully, but I guess I am worried.

There is a saying 'It never rains it pours' or something.

Anyway, I limped home without the car this morning, and I was due for an interview at 10.30 and despite the chaos of the sudden loss of car, I went. I have been offered a trial of the work as it is out of my normal range of work.
Then the cost of the car repair hit me.

Then I really had to get to work, so I biked to work through the gale when that is not good for my asthma. At least the rain stopped.
I had a few miles to get to work and although the hills are beautiful, they are hard work.

And the work is hard work.
I clean the whole of a big country house every other week.
And today as I was working. Their sheep escaped.
Haha. I didn't try chasing sheep, and it was their fence, not anything I had done, so I closed the road gate and sent a text as the people are not usually there when I do the cleaning.
Thankfully the sheep were easy to recover, but I came home cold and tired, I don't feel great.

The other problem I have had has been two males in my life pratting about. The first, who was gay and in a happy relationship, decided he wanted to go out with me, and got pushy. I was sad to tell him to leave my life as he used to be such a sweet friend.
The other, a Christian friend, decided to tell me all about how he intended to blow his brains out with a shotgun. I thought he had grown out of that rubbish.

It never rains, it pours.

So onwards I go. While the leaders of the political parties are are having face-pulling contests and everyone is scrapping and the church of england are trying to hide their latest 'scandal' behind that new outrage, before using Peter Ball as a full-blown PR stunt and probably slandering me as well, they tend to use my case to make themselves look good while harming me.

The car is out of action until further notice. No panic, I am not happy about not being able to do the rural distribution but I can keep my other work running.

Oh, and the DWP have been randomly awarding me compensation payments, not much, not enough to fix the car, but every little helps.

Tuesday morning

Good morning peeps,

5.45am and the weather is a howling gale and torrential rain. That will be fun to go out in! Especially as I have used up all my clean tops because of this weather and I have an interview at 10.30 and not enough time to wash and dry some clothes. I mean, I can't put the washing machine on at this time of morning, even if I had enough of the right coins, and by the time I get home it will be to late.
And to add to that, I have caught my friend's cold, and she is now very ill with a chest infection :(

Anyway, I am fighting the cold.
Yesterday I managed to go and do a few hours of work in a break in the weather, then the wind picked up to galeforce, and if only I felt like it, I would have gone and watched waves breaking over the sea wall and onto the road. Everyone knows I love that, but I was tired.

I wrote some pen letters and a letter about my next music exam - which I really need to get on with studying for! And posted those at the post office.

Then I came home and fell asleep until 8pm.
It is silly, this sleeping. but the sofa bed is so uncomfortable that I don't sleep well at night.

Anyway, at 8pm I wasn't hungry for supper so I chatted to friends online and went back to sleep.

I had a restless night, dreams of being hurt and outcast by the church, and then I woke to the alarm and the wind and rain.

I will get dressed and go to the shop.

Today after the papers, I have to pick up a parcel and then I have an interview at 10.30, well it is supposed to be a chat rather than a formal interview but I would rather be wearing a clean work shirt if I go.
Then in the afternoon I have my hard work shift.
I have moved the other things I was going to do to Thursday.

I think I will have to get my washing done today due to the weather causing a shortage of clean dry clothes. I don't own many clothes and am limited to wearing loose fitting cotton due to hating the feel of most clothing.

Monday morning

Goodmorning,

Well, what a start to the week.

I woke from nightmares about the Diocese of Winchester, and fell out of bed and into a cup of tea.
The papers were late at the shop and it was raining, if the papers are late, it means I have to really hurry to get the paper bundle to the distributor, and the lanes out there are steep and slippery, the previous drive wrecked her car there.
So I hurried carefully in the rain. I got the papers to the distributor and got my rounds and bundles done, although I was running late and did come home soaking wet.

The sun is shining briefly, but I am not sure if I will get my one garden done today, I may have to stack it onto other work later in the week, and Wednesday is annoyingly looking like bad weather too.

If it is going to rain today then I am going to study today.
I feel all lost right now, I haven't even showered yet. On days when I wake from nightmares about the church of england, I am left distressed and aimless.

Sunday

Good evening,

Well I had a lazy start despite waking early. I dozed until 8am.

Then I got up and got on with lazy stuff like study.

Eventually I went to the car boot sale as the rain was holding off. I am coming to the conclusion that the morning car boot sale isn't worth the trip, I think I will just go to the afternoon one.

After that I stopped at the beach cafe for a while. The sea was wild and the wind was howling, but I sat out there watching the waves and the two brave kite surfers and the clouds soaring over the cliffs.

Then I came home for a while and studied, there was nothing worth watching on tv, there hasn't been all day, I missed the Hollyoaks omnibus.

Then I went to the afternoon car boot sale, which was better, I got a few odds and ends, and then I went to the welfare for a meal and a fuss.

I came home and have been studying and chatting online to my friends.

Saturday night

Good evening,

Well this morning I was lazy until midday, I studied lazily.

Then I went out and got something done about the coolant and car.

Then I did a slight bit of shopping and then sat on the sofa watching my 'Humans' DVDs and studying.

Then I had a bit of an evening drive, and now I am getting tired.

The flat is clean and tidy.
Yesterday the phone rang twice, so I know what it sounds like. My friend rang to see how I was, and someone rang to offer me a 'chat' about a temporary contract, so I will go and see them on Tuesday.

I have managed one of my tasks, getting the bathroom cabinet sorted, at last.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

I was dreaming deep and vivid dreams this morning when an alarm clock went off in my head at 5.20am. My alarms were not set.
It's not fair! I am programmed to wake up and get up so early even when I am on leave. I couldn't doze as I hoped, so I got up and started studying and writing. Including the letter to the Prime Minister that I have posted on my other blog.

It was dark when I got up and I started writing. I almost thought that being on leave was a waste of time and money if I still wake early and don't rest much, but I do feel better for it really.

Anyway, it got light and the sun rose, the weather has been very windy with scattered sunshine and showers, spectacular skies over the sea.
I have a lazy day planned, a lazy day of study and maybe a trip to town for the coolant for the car, depends on the weather and traffic.

I am still in pyjamas at 9.10am despite having been up so early, I just got caught up in study.
I am having a very norty breakfast, donuts and hot bread, not good for my poor tummy, which will complain later.

Friday evening

Good evening peeps,

A warm and humid day.

I had a lazy morning, I went for a study breakfast and put my laundry in at the laundarette, which is near my house and the cafe.
We have coin operated laundry machines in the block of flats but apart from having to save 20 and 50p coins, the washing machine here isn't great. So I thought a treat of having my clothes properly and promptly washed and dried would be good, plus they neatly fold them and pair the socks.
I have been working on solutions because my stress levels and illness have been overwhelming.

I am making a good recovery from stress and the reactions to painkillers.
This morning's later waking time, 6.30, was great, although I had been dreaming about getting up and doing the papers.

So, study breakfast and laundry were good. And I did some shopping and then got on with studying.
After I collected my clothes from the laundry, I got the poor sad blue bike out, the blue bike lives chained to a tree and that makes me sad.
I biked down the bay, wished I hadn't because of the strong winds. A rough sea and low tide.

I biked to the newsagents and handed in some customer bills. I have to collect these on the rural routes, but I don't have to hand them in the day I collect them.
Then I had a light lunch on the beach, seeing as it was 4pm and I hadn't had lunch.
Then I biked to the medical centre and dropped a note off about the appointment I cancelled and I collected my prescriptions.

Then I came home and settled back into study, did beefburgers for supper and a bit of the weekend clean and tidy, there is not much to do.

I will have a bath now, and then bed time.

Guess what, I saw a badger close up yesterday morning, as I was driving to the rural paper drop, it crossed the road in front of my car and then wasn't sure and nearly crossed back. I don't think it was full grown but wow, seeing a badger is rare.

Two more mornings on leave from doing the papers and I think I will be in better shape for the rest. My shoulder aches now, and my leg, but it is late and I am tired.

Friday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday was a HOT day.
I went to work, and to be honest I wasn't really too hot while I was working, well I guess I got a bit sweaty and mucky but I plodded on peacefully.

After the morning's work I had postponed the afternoon's work because the traffic to get there would be too bad as there is a big event on. I went into town to try and find the auto spares place that my car's best friend had recommended.
The car needs special coolant mix for an older car with aliminium cylinder head, so I was supposed to get some of that but the traffic was bad and I couldn't find the place. So I came home, and it was like an hour to my doctor's appointment, not enough time to go home and get showered and changed and too much time to hang around.

So I cancelled the appointment - as is my right, I know the church of england try to leap on things and make me out to be mad and a danger to myself - but the appointment was only to get my ankle and shoulder checked and talk about the reaction to painkillers.
And seeing as my shoulder is not too bad at all now, and I am off the painkillers anyway and feeling better, and my ankle isn't too serious. I cancelled the appointment, as is my right as an adult.
And came home.

I meant to have a cool shower and rest, but I didn't even get as far as a cool shower, the flat was a mess, by my standards and I was tired. I opened my letters, one from a pen friend, one from the council, who have resolved their messes with my housing benefit and increased it by a few pounds as well. And two books. A car book and Cathy Glass's new book, out yesterday. Her new book is called 'Girl Alone' and I read it all yesterday, finished. But while I was reading it and slumped exhausted on the sofa bed, there was a knock at the door.

Due to the Diocese of Winchester, I don't like knocks on the door, I expect bad news, especially as the intercom hadn't buzzed. I thought it might be my landlady though.

I opened the door, and my friend was standing there with a camping mattress for me. Someone had let her in.
She came in and had a cuppa and I apologized for being in slumped on the sofa mode with my flat in a mess, I am normally as neat as a pin and my friends know that. She didn't mind, we sat and chatted and I told her about my reaction to the meds and how I was recovering.

When she had gone, I tidied and cleaned the flat. Then I continued reading my book and I watched my programmes.
I don't have to study all the time, and seeing as I have some time off now, I can do plenty of studying, so I thought last night was a good time to relax, as much as I can.
I had a bath and finished the new book. 316 pages. I never realised my reading speed was unusual until someone pointed this out recently.

I slept reasonably well, and woke this morning from dreams about getting up and doing the papers, 6.30am, well that is a bit of a lie in. And I didn't need any more sleep. I feel less tired and more lively now.

I have just been sitting around in my pyjamas and reading and writing.
I am going to have a shower and then have a study breakfast at the cafe round the corner, I think.

Thursday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well I slept OK considering my long sleep yesterday.
I woke this morning not feeling as terrible as I am not taking the painkillers, and not much pain anyway, just tired and sluggish.
I got round the paper rounds and am now on leave from that until Monday. Yay.

This morning there has been mist, not nice cold autumn mist but more like pollution, not nice.

I am just having a short breakfast and shower break before work.

The sun is coming out and I have planting and clearing and mowing to do.

I think I may move this afternoon's work as I have a doctor's appointment and I really don't feel up to a full day anyway.

Wednesday evening

Good evening peeps,

This morning I was feeling really stupified and struggling to get round the paper rounds, but I was only a few minutes late, I was more worried that I was possibly too ill to be driving.

Well, with all sorts of things bothering me, I have been doing some problems solving.
I wrote a list of things that were bothering me and some solutions I was looking at. I showed the list to my therapist, because I do a lot of writing for him.

I think as usual, I had let things build up without realising how overwhelmed I had got.

Anyway, solutions include some time off from the papers, Friday and the weekend and back on Monday, so I will be doing the papers tomorrow and then resting, which is no bad thing, well I am supposed to be working tomorrow but I will have a long weekendy thing, I am only working part time and I am disabled, whatever that means, and I am sick and tired.

Anyway, so I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am not taking any more of the strong painkillers before then because I have a feeling I have been having a bad reaction to them as has happened before.
I will get my twisted stupid ankle checked tomorrow and get some painkillers that don't leave me ill.

My therapist is on holiday now, so I will just do homework for him as usual while he is away, I have so much homework now with university and my next music exam.

This afternoon I had to come home rather than work, again! Because the phone line was being installed.
The engineer was due between 1 and 5, so he turned up at 12.50, thankfully I was home.
The phone point had no life in it and I had no idea what the last person had had by way of phone, so the engineer had to dress up and climb a pole.
That was fun to watch while I was eating my lunch! :)

I am sure that could be misconstrued, so it is funny.
But he had to connect something up the telephone pole.

Meanwhile my DVD of 'Humans' had arrived, so I watched that while the engineer kept vanishing and coming back, I think his depot is nearby and he had to go get things.
Eventually he came back and said it was all done and 15 minutes later I plugged the phone in, and then I went to sleep and woke at 7.15pm. My first land line for 8 years or more.

Why a phone line when I have dysphasia? Well I can use a phone with people I know, and it is much easier than a mobile for me, and although I have problems interacting on the phone, I can hear messages, and I can arrange textphone now and also the phone line is so I can have broadband. Cool.
So the phone is on and the broadband will be up within the next week.
I need good broadband for university work.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

6am and still dark.

I went to bed by about 9pm last night and slept exhausted but woke feeling ill.
My ankle is aching from being hurt yesterday but I can walk.
I feel ill but have taken painkillers.

I really don't feel like doing the papers, but I will be OK.

After the papers I just have therapy and then the phone engineer coming in this afternoon.
Yesterday I thought if he comes early I will then swim, but I think I may then sleep instead.

We are collectively trying to sort out something for me to sleep on as the sofa bed is awful, I may have to sleep on my friend's camping mattress again for a while.

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well, humpf.

This morning I cheerfully sat at the viewpoint, drinking zero coke, not zero coke, zero coke.
And I was studying cheerfully to myself. I wrote an assignment outline and studied a lot.
Then I needed the loo and a lunch, so I went to the garden centre for those, and studied some more with my lunch.

Then I came home, considered the beach as the weather was so hot and sunny.
I was so shattered though, that I wanted to lie on the bed and sleep, but when I do that these days, I tend to sleep for hours.

I stayed awake as I had two gardens to do in the afternoon.

The gardens were tough because even two weeks ago in the rain, the grass in both was so long and I couldn't mow because of the weather, so I had two jungles to mow down. However I was successful but had a few problems. One being that the stupid neighbour decided to make me jump by jumping out and going boo. Funny for normal people but not for someone suffering severe complex PTSD. So I explained my feelings to him succinctly, I have a feeling he was rather shocked at that response.
But that wasn't the end of the disasters.

Already with this aching shoulder because any work  I do affects it, and tired, stressed and unhappy, I was mowing the second lawn when I took a bad tumble in a hold the dog had dug in the lawn. It was my bad leg that took the brunt and I went over with a shriek.
I had to sit for a few minutes while my poor client apologized for her dog's handiwork.
I stood and walked, but it will be tomorrow before I see how my leg is really affected. I can feel it, I am trying to encourage it to just be normal, I cannot afford time off work for anything.

I am tired, aching, and fed up. I feel depressed, tired, and generally horrible. I know I can list reasons for this mood:

• moving to a flat and furnishing and equipping it
• changes in finance as I continue to leave benefits behind
• responsibility for a flat, car and working life
• shoulder injury and evil painkillers
• the impact of years of harm by the church of england
• struggling with incomprehensible and conflicting paperwork from all authorities
• a bad bed
• the new early starts and responsibility for the rural paper distributions
• The car
• paperwork responsibilites for being self employed
• therapy and the memories and issues it stirs
• The sudden hot weather

Yeah, so I guess my state of mind and tiredness are not nothing.

Tomorrow I have therapy in the morning and then I have to wait in for the phone engineer in the afternoon.

That means I will have another hard work day on Thursday.

I feel like a cold shower and a very early night. I really should sort out a better supper first, I have had some rice and am vaguely watching Hollyoaks.

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

Well it is another sunny old day.
I struggled to stay asleep during the night and got up in the dark at 5.30.

I was trying to start my first university assignment - they don't break us in gently! It is hard!
But someone was online who wanted to chat, so I made slow progress and didn't get my shower before I went to do the papers, I got round the rounds quickly, but as has been the case, the low winter sun in the lanes is quite a problem.

I am going to study today, until I go to work this afternoon.
I am so tired and I will need to replace the sofa bed as I really can't sleep on it, problem is money and logistics.

Nothing much else to declare. It only takes two days to read 'The Dome' by Stephen King, 900 pages, from the car boot sale, and to be honest, it is OK but my new textbooks which arrived yesterday are more interesting.

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well this morning I accidentally set my alarm for 4.30 instead of 5.30, and was up tired and early.
This meant I could finish some work for my therapist to consider.

Then I headed for the shop.
I was early and so I walked over to the sea to watch the sun rise.
Just as the first red glimmer of the sun appeared, the shop shutters rattled and it was time to get the paper bundles and go.
I was surprised because when the girl who covers for the bosses is on duty, we are usually slow starting and sometimes there are errors but this morning it was all very prompt, and I shot round the rounds.

I came home for a breakfast break and then went and worked very hard on garden clearance, overdid it and wondered why I was able to work so hard after my early start.

I came home after work, slept for three hours, then watched my programs and studied.
I am just finishing studying and it is 9pm.

I am packing a book bag to put in the car for tomorrow as, after the papers in the morning, I have no work until 3.30pm and so I am going to take textbooks and materials and go and find a nice place to study and picnic for the day tomorrow.
It will be warm and sunny again like today, so I will take  my swim things, even though my autistic brain is complaining that the sea swim season is over, that side of my brain hates swimming in the sea where there are people everywhere.

My shoulder is very painful and I hate it and I hate the painkillers.

Monday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well doing the papers yesterday morning was actually quite peaceful and relaxed, without the weekday deadline and with smaller rounds as Sunday rounds usually are, the papers are big but the rounds are smaller.

I got home and had breakfast and some Hollyoaks and went to the car boot sale, there wasn't much there, and I came home for lunch.

In the afternoon, the car boot sale was better and I got a few things for the house.
Then I nearly went to the welfare but felt too depressed, I was very low yesterday, struggling with the council and DWP and HMRC has been harsh and I hae been having flashbacks to the way the Diocese destroyed me, which isn't helping.

I went to bed early and dreamed all sorts of dreams about islands and ferries and work and Hollyoaks.

I woke at 4.30 feeling tired because I had set the alarm wrong by accident, I will have a sleep later.
I have been busy doing writing for my therapist.

I now need to shower and go and do the papers, I have one garden today so I will have a sleep before or after that.

twelfth and a half interview with HG

1. did you ever like sport at school?

I hardly went to school due to my parents' religious belief, I went to school briefly aged 8 and struggled with sports day, coming last, at the time of course it hadn't been noticed I was asthmatic with leg and spine problems, because my parents didn't believe in doctors or medical help.

2. which sports did you like?

Back then, none, now I love swimming, cycling, football and sailing, but due to my health after the church destroyed me, I can't take part in the last two.

3. do you think that making something "sport" can take the fun element out of a game?

No, from experience, competitive football, running and other sports can be fun.

4. do you watch any of these sports on TV - cricket, tennis, swimming, football, rugby, cycling, running, boxing, snooker?

I rarely focus on tv sport, my ADD means I am too hyperactive to settle and watch these things, I like to watch a bit of Wimbledon but I don't mind not watching it.

5. if so, which do you like, which don't you like?

I like Wimbledon and athletics, I don't dislike sport on tv but I don't really watch it.

6. which is the most useless sport there is?

There can't be a useless sport, otherwise no-one would play.

7. do you ever watch horse racing or grand prix

Horse racing. I like the National and the Derby. 

8. do you have any sporting heroes, current or past?

No.

9. do you think there is too much sport on TV

No.

10.  do you think some sports people, like footballers, get paid much to much money?

No, some train and train with no pay, training before work and school, they have my admiration. For example the Williams sisters were training constantly since they were little girls but of course not for money then. It is a one track life when you live like that, and takes great determination and courage.

11. have you ever played conkers?

Yeah, used to try to eat them too. Haha.

Sunday morning

Good morning peeps,

I slept reasonably well, I did have to put the blanket on the bed due to the temparature dropping in the night.
I dreamed vaguely.

I woke and am doing language practice and having breakfast.
I will have a shower and go and do the papers.
All my clothes and linens are on the washing line.

Saturday evening

Good evening,

well after waking up ill this morning I came home from the rounds and just did very little for the rest of the morning, after lunch I fell asleep and slept for three hours, I dreamed vaguely and woke up eventually.

I wasn't sure what to do when I woke, there was nothing on television and I couldn't choose a movie.
So I went out driving for a while.
I stopped at the supermarket for food and change for the laundry.

When I got home I did the flat clean and the laundry, everything is hoovered, mopped, cleaned. The clothes are part tumbled and on the washing line and the bed linen, mats and towels are having a quick tumble before I hang them out.

I have the later start with the papers tomorrow, which is a relief, it has been hard to adjust to new times and routines.

It is dry but the weather is consistently cooler now, it is starting to dip below 10 degrees at night.
This morning we had unforecast rain showers, but apart from that it has been cool and grey.

I used the oven for only the second time, to cook a reduced real beefburger that I got, very tasty, the oven worked well but it does get very hot indeed around it.

Saturday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well last night I had a very early night and simply slept.
I woke this morning feeling ill and tired.
A combination of change of routine, earlier starts, stress and this sting in my hand pumping poison into my system, I think I have a sting on my face as well but no sting left in it, I had to get the sting out of my hand yesterday.
So anyway, I felt rubbish and didn't bother to have a shower before I went to do the papers.
I was fine doing the papers though.

I got home and had a high dose of 5HTP and a nice bath, and I am just sitting here listening to Classic FM, while the breakfast bar looks like a peanut butter on toast factory! :)

It is cloudy and drizzly and I need to relax today, easier said than done.

I agree with the comments on twitter this morning, the Sun, a rag newspaper that encourages men to degrade women and encourages women to degrade themselves, trying to whip up emotions from the sheeple by showing a picture of a little boy and naming him. The Sun are the last people to give a damn about human life, they degrade life and make it about sex and scandal, is that little boy going to grow up buying the sun and degrading women and encouraging women to have no self-respect?
Anyway.

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well I have been busy and tired, hence not updating the blog.

On Wednesday I went to therapy, then I came home to wait in for the furniture.
The furniture arrived at about 2pm.

I was so tired once it arrived that I couldn't go out and work any more.
So I stayed in and did some furniture arranging and flat arranging until I was exhausted, watched my programmes and had an early night.

Thursday morning I went out in the van again, the routes made more sense but still a bit confusing.
Then I only had a quick breakfast break before work.

My first job of the day was mowing, planting, weeding etc. And that was all good.
Then I had a quick lunch at the garden centre and was surprised how busy it was.
Then I was on to the next job, garden clearance, I managed to get another sting in my hand, very similar to the last one.

The person who I was working for lent me a foam deck chair mattress because my new sofa bed has an uncomfortable ridge where the sofa folds into a bed. It helps a bit.

Anyway, after work yesterday I meant to get petrol and food on the way home but the supermarket petrol station was too busy and I was tired, so I didn't stop, I came home.

Unfortunately the council then closed our road completely so I couldn't get out for petrol if I wanted to, and my car's best friend had been due to come and change the belt on the car, but he couldn't get to us so it was rescheduled for Friday (this) evening.

Annoying.

I walked round to the local shop for food.

I slept reasonably well despite the council working outside all night.
I woke at 5.30 in the dark.
I headed out nervously, the first solo rural route, and I had to finish in time to collect Mum.

I stopped for petrol on the way, and got to the shop on time.
The lad at the shop was grinning as he showed me the huge piles of papers I had, because it is local paper day and that makes the rounds all at least twice as big and I have the rural routes and the bundle drops and the route along the edge of town and back towards home.

So, solo on a tricky route on a local paper day when my Mum would be waiting for me 8 miles away when I finished, if I finished!

I was OK, I got round just fine. OK the whole thing was stressful, but I managed it!
I headed off to get Mum, and was early enough to get a divine cup of coffee while I was waiting.
I think I like that cafe.

Well I had written Mum a kind of outline of the day, and it made her laugh because I was joking about a bit.
Unfortunately the day didn't go to plan, my shoulder was aching a lot and I was tired.

We went for the scenic drive home and refreshments at the viewpoint, that was nice.
Then home to see the flat, and Mum seemed to like it.
We had a cuppa, but then plans fell apart a bit.
Housing benefit sent me an unhelpful letter, as they tend to on Fridays.
And I was so stressed by that that I wrote to them while Mum had a rest.

We were going to go the cafe but we didn't and I was so unsure about the local attraction that we didn't go, we went to another viewpoint and had refreshments.
And in the end we went to the council offices, and it was getting so close to the time that I was due to have the car worked on that Mum offered to get the bus home, I felt sad that I had not been able to give her the nice day out that she had hoped. But she said it was OK and there was always next time.
To me, in a world in fear of the Diocese and their police and the hatred they have stirred against me, each time I see my friends or therapist or anyone feels like it could be the last one, so I hope next time will happen and Mum and I can have a better day.

The car has had it's new belt fitted and I have had a few things checked and advised on, and now I am watching my programmes and preparing for another early night.

I have most of the weekend free apart from the papers, so I will be able to do the laundry and study and sort things out in the flat.

I guess when I get used to the earlier starts and when the clocks change and when my shoulder heals, life will not seem like exhausted painful hell so much.

Wednesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well yesterday I went to do my hard work shift, after my 'study breakfast' and I stopped at the second hand shop but couldn't see any suitable furniture.
The sun was shining and it was so warm after a cold start, I thought it was so unfair it rained all bank holiday and then the sun was warm enough for the beach and a sea swim yesterday but I had to work.

My hard work shift involves cleaning the whole of a big country house, so I went to do that, and by the time I had finished I was tired, I got home, had a meal and watched my programmes and went to bed early.

I woke at 5.30 this morning and had a shower.
It was almost dark when I got up, the sodium lights on the ships out on the bay were glowing bright, and the beginning of light was breaking through the clouds.

By the time I set off to the shop, a red and orange sunrise was occuring.

This morning I was due to start learning the rural distribution route. When I got to the newsagents, I was told that two new paper boys were due to start that morning and so I would go out in the van to learn the rural route and then take one of these paper boys round my old round.

Well we went out in the van, round the absolute maze of  small country lanes that I am afraid I will struggle to learn. If you think of Jersey's green lanes, it is a bit like that!
The first drop is to another rural distributor, who has to get her papers by 6.50am, so it is pressure too. I am even more worried about the car if I take this on!
Anyway, we got the papers done, came back, and one of the two new paper boy had arrived and been taken out by another distributor, so the boss went to collect the guy who's van has broken, so he could use the bosses van for his round, and I was instructed to wait and take on or another of the rounds that was left if  the paper boy didn't turn up. He didn't, so I was given my other round, the one I have been covering and will be doing with the rural route, not my old round, which I would have preferred.

So I got back here just after 8am. It is a dazzlingly sunny morning, low bright autumn sun and pure blue sky, this is real autumn weather, so cold in the morning and so bright.

Today I have therapy this morning, and normally I would be working after that, but today is the only day the warehouse can deliver my furniture and they can't be more specific than 'between 1 and 4 pm' So I will have to be home. I will study, and if they arrive fairly early, I will then go to work.
If not then I will have a long work day tomorrow, and then on Friday, I have the Royal Visit.

The Royal Visit being my Mum coming over for the day to give the new flat her seal of approval or otherwise.
So I have planned a nice day for us, some scenery and an outing to a local attraction.

Tuesday morning

Good morning peeps,

Well, 'Life After the Diocese' just hit 40,000 views, not bad for a non-specialist and un-marketed secret diary :) Did you know you are reading my secret diary and I haven't realised it yet?
Life after the Diocese tells how I live, plain and simple (that's me!).

anyway, the main grockle season is now over, with the new school term starting, and the temperatures are simultaneously plummeting. No good the beaches suddenly being empty when it is too cold to swim!

Yesterday my wardrobe was delivered promptly and is sitting neatly in it's designated space.
And tomorrow the sofa bed and bedside arrive, so tonight is my last night on the floor. Aww, it reminded me of my glorious rough sleeper days!

Yesterday was a quiet day of study and a nice bank holiday drive and a bit of television.

Today I was supposed to learn the rural paper bundle distribution but that has been postponed to tomorrow, and I did my rounds backwards today as I needed petrol, I had thought I was just driving to the shop and then going out in the van to learn the rural route but no, so I got petrol and shot round the rounds the wrong way round!
All done. The weather is mild and no rain at the moment, phew!

I am studying this morning and working this afternoon.

I just got £10 that was owed to me due to an error in the newsagents wages system, I thought I was a bit short for the extra rounds I had been covering.
So I am considering walking round to the cafe to have a study breakfast! :)    (any excuse!)