Monday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime.

Saturday was a lovely day, time with friends and shopping, a late Birthday in a way.

On Sunday morning I was tired so I didn't go to church, my neck and shoulder were hurting, so I stayed in, watched the music channel and did the housework, did a roast dinner readymeal for lunch.
And due to no hoover, I have got a brush and dustpan and I swept the carpet that way :)

In the evening I went to church, I told the priest I was not feeling well, in case I had to leave during the service, so he prayed, and I was alright, the pain in my head and neck faded out during the service.

I got a lift home after the service, but then I was bored and the place was clean and tidy and there was nothing much to watch on television, so I went out riding on the buses.

Then I slept when I got home, without even a cup of tea. I was tired.

I didn't sleep deeply, and I dreamed a lot, but I woke early this morning, showered, found that the milk had gone off so I used emergency UHT for my tea, then off I went for therapy, due to the clocks changing, it was still fairly dark when I set out, but it got light on the way.

Therapy was ok.

Then I headed back here.

It is raining after a bright start to the day.

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I am just relaxing after a nice lunch with friends.

It is a beautiful day and I have been out and about.

I forgot to say this morning, I woke at quarter-to-five from a horrible dream about dealing with the Scott-Joynts, I dreamed that Mrs Scott-Joynt was doing as she used to, trying to make things alright, which she couldn't because her husband and Jane Fisher gave her such a warped picture of things, and I wasn't interested, so I was telling Bishop Scott-Joynt off, he was trying to escape and make excuses and I called him a selfish incompetent man, I was so angry in my dream, and JM was there as well twisting things further, which made me more angry.
I woke up angry and I thing I had been berating them out loud.
I needed three cups of tea and a shower to calm me down.

I have just seen Bob Hill's new blog.
I wish people would stop writing rubbish in the comments, someone trying to tell Bob that I wasn't deported in my pyjamas, when I was, and trying to get Bob to shush.

I was in my pyjamas, my pyjamas were dark blue tracksuit bottoms and a blue top, I wasn't wearing a bra and I was wearing soft indoor shoes, not suitable for being homeless in but I was left homeless in them, I was not wearing a bra when I was arrested, deported or in prison, because I was arrested when I got out of bed, I was wearing a jumper because I had been shaking with shock at the previous day's happenings, which are not recorded accurately or explained properly.

Anyway, back to the present before I have a collapse.

I got a load of money through today, and so I re-start my therapy on Monday.

Saturay Morning

Good morning,
Please excuse the lack of blog yesterday,

I had a busy and very frustrating day yesterday,

basically I went to my interview, lost my way, got caught in freak bad weather etc etc, and that was far from the end of yesterday's troubles, the whole day went very wrong,
ok, not me angry or meltdown, just disasters upon disasters,
thankfully when I phoned my friends for prayer, they were just on their way to a prayer meeting and came and picked me up and took me with them.

The prayer meeting helped, and when I got home I found the vital bit of paper I had lost, and this morning sorted out one of the disasters,
so I will rebook my interview and that will be two out of three disasters solved.
The third is that my computer needed repair, so my friend has it today and I will borrow his laptop if necessary.

Please bear with me if I am not online :)

And err, I feel like I am about to vomit, I think I might.

The good news is that I am walking well.

Friday Morning

Good morning,
I eventually slept last night, I usually have to pretend I am sleeping rough or on a boat rocked by the sea in order to sleep.

I had dreams and nightmares, and not the usual church or childhood stuff, I had a bizarre and shocking dream.
I dreamed it was Sunday morning and I was preparing for church and everyone was going to church, but there were some youngsters, the kind who get drunk and mess about on weekend nights, but they were still messing about on Sunday morning, speeding down the road on a bit of wood with wheels on, and they smashed into the back of a truck, but the truck didn't notice and went on, with these two still stuck to the back of the truck, and all I could do was go after them on foot.
I found them, and amazingly these two young people were virtually unharmed, I tried to tell them how shocked and frightened I was, but one was dismissive and the other was in a daze, I tried to find the words to tell them to get checked out by a doctor but I couldn't, and the dismissive one said something about Post Traumatic Stress.

Thankfully I woke up.

I have put the washing on, and will do my housework before I go to this interview, I need to look at bus times.

I do not feel sick from treatment yesterday, I had forgotten about it until I went to do my neck exercises, I have neck exercises that increase each week so as to not shock my spine.
I can't get my head right round onto the injured shoulder today, but almost.

I phoned the Bishop's office to ask, plead, an end to the Jersey farce and it's damage to me.
Knowing them, they will send the police to thump me.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

I liked the stats on the Anything and Everything earlier, they read 21212, that was funny, it has been a slow blog day today.

I had good news by post and email today, I should have more money within days, so I will re-start my other therapy, and after this week, the weekly work on my spine, pelvis and shoulder will go down to fortnightly, which is great.

After therapy earlier I went to the library and returned my books and then went to the drop-in to say hi and give them money for my meals this week, I didn't stay for lunch as I had to go to the hospital.

I had to get the long bus route as I missed the short route bus, so that stressed me about time, but it was nice to go round the bottom of the Great Hill, because I love them hills, or would love them if they weren't things that the Diocese and their police could rip from me by brutality and imprisonment.
Love is a vulnerability that I cannot risk. The way my life and loved ones were taken from me by the diocese will be with me forever and especially as they are free to do it again in response to my pleas to be left alone, as happened in Winchester.

Anyway, got to the hospital and part of it was closed so I had to find my way through.
Thankfully they saw me, 10 minutes late, and it was quick and without ordeal, much easier than last time, different person.

The haters probably think I go for a mental health checkup, no, it is for both physical and emotional wellbeing and is not with the mental health team.
My blood pressure, considering the situation, was not too bad, 157/114 I think it said, which is way below the impressive figures it came up to in Jersey in 2009/10.

After that, I went shopping, to replace the very depleted everything.
I got some groceries first, then I got toiletries, including a big bottle of coal tar shampoo as mine ran out while I had no money, and my scalp got bad, I don't want to lose my hair again.

I then got a new pair of boots, the only footwear I can wear because of the weak ankle and useless tendon is soft webbing walking boots, as they hold the ankle in place but encourage my foot to move even without the tendon's help.
I wear boots out very quickly but haven't been able to afford new ones for ages.
I also got new foam pads, which help me to walk without pain.
I had a nose around the chattery shops too and found odds and ends.
 It is nice to be able to get things I need.

I intermittently felt sick as I have for a few days, and I am aching from today's treatment.

I have been putting emails on the 'Additional Evidence Blog' which is linked to the Anything and Everything, and I found emails between me and my friend who is now deceased and who died estranged from me by the Diocese, that made me cry.
 I am listening to a song that reminds me of 10 years of friendship that ended in estrangement and death.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wonVGQ64fjM

I hope I am not too ill tomorrow, as I have an interview with the charity I would like to work for.

Daily reader who's stat reads 'woking, Surrey', have you been reading the additional evidence blog?

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

I watched 7 pounds again last night but wasn't really concentrating.

I had a bad night with very little deep sleep.
I woke this morning feeling awful as usual.

I got up and got dressed and went to get my money.

I got my money and did some shopping, orange juice, milk, bread, butter, bleach and washing up liquid, all for under £5, and I got an internet card for £5.

I got home, dropped the shopping and went to my spine appointment, ouch.
Well yes it was all ouch, he did my neck and shoulder first, then a bit on my lower spine and then he did my legs as well! He could obviously see where the leg problems were.
But anyway, that all guaruntees I will be ill tomorrow, hopefully not too ill for my interview with the charity I hope to work with.

I can't work for lots of charities like I used to, because I am physically and mentally not who I used to be, I am wrecked, I can't sail or play football or do anything much any more.
Just have to go on living.
 My neck is already kicking off.

I am waiting for the post, then I will go to the drop in and then down to the hospital.
Then I will go back to bed.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon/evening,

I slept last night and woke to flashbacks although I don't recall nightmares.

I got up and did the usual and then went out, I walked down to the drop in, which is a good walk.

I got there and they fed me, breakfast, brunch and lunch, basically, food, hot, filling food including bread, so my tummy was happy.

There were other people who were ex-homeless and complex problems, so that was alright, and one of the key workers made a bit of a fuss of me, which I am not used to, so I had to remind my brain all about it and not panic.

I started feeling ill about lunchtime, cold, sick, shivery and just wanting my duvet, so eventually I headed back here, but the noise was such that I have not rested, and as evening is coming, I am beginning to feel ok. Well, kind of ok, I just got a tad cross with one of the noise makers, and me being angry makes me be distressed too, and expecting the diocese to appear and hang me for standing up for my rights.

Diocese of Winchester justice, get one side of things and hang the person who's side you haven't got.
Well they would be wasting their time hanging me for asking a resident to stop making such noise when I am sick and the noise has been constant for hours. But they are the diocese and I have no rights and no voice.
I would like very much to forget the diocese, but I am autistic and they are unlikely to leave me alone while I live or even in death.
The day I can forget them and their judgement, I will live again.

And I have done my exercise quota in my walks to and from the drop-in, which was my social quota.

I am frustrated as I have no bleach or cleaning stuff left and I want to clean my home :( humpf.

Tomorrow, money should be through, I have a busy day tomorrow, spine treatment, hospital, possibly drop in centre to give them money for my meals this week, other things that need doing, and the shopping of course!

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well I I have been doing not much, I seem to feel the cold a lot more now, so I was hibernating in my soft duvet and going through the motions of networking online.

I did rice and meatballs for tea.

The lights have gone out again, ha! That didn't last long.

The church of england matter has been kicking off again, which always causes severe distress and distracts me from life.


I have had a shower and am watching some rubbish on tv and it is nearly bed time.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
well this morning I headed out to my meeting.
The meeting was succesful and they were courteous and made an effort to understand my communication problems.
And the deadlock was broken.
Life may get a bit brighter now.

I had to walk there, and I am never at my best in the morning, physically or menally.
Still, they kindly gave me a spare umbrella so when I left there, I walked up to socialize, and that was good, I had some food and tea and a good natter.
Then I had to walk home, so that's my exercise quota done.

Life has re-aligned, so I can include church, charity and social.
The problem for me was that for years, doctors and churches could not understand or accept my limitations, and so I couldn't either.
Learning to be my own care manager means I learned to seek out the problems and accept them and find ways to live with them, rather than denying them as I was conditioned to do.

I will be going to drop-in socials up to three days a week, church on Sunday, and on Friday I will be interviewing for work with another charity after recently dropping the one I was with because I wasn't really making any headway there.
End of deadlock and time to move forward.

I am listening to Los Lobos and wrapped in my duvet. My music taste is so variable that I can have los lobos or Daniel O'Donnel or Phil Collins or Pink! playing on a loop :)

Tuesday morning

Good morning,

I slept but I had nightmares and dreamed,
and just as I used to, I had flashbacks and vivid memories as I woke, this has re-started recently.

Interestingly enough I remembered vividly, having a meal with my friends at the smugglers Inn at Ouaisne, in Jersey, I had to look it up just now to see if I was renembering right, I obviously was.

I have an interview later, and if there is time, I will go and socialize.

Monday Evening

Good evening,

Well with 2 days to go before money, I have food of sorts, but am likely to run out of milk, and I have nothing like bread or potatos, I have tins and packets of food.

Tomorrow though, I have an interview to hopefully break the deadlock, and then if there is time I can go to socialize, and that will use the day quicker.

I just thougt maybe we could stop to reflect, I have learned to live indoors and have managed to stay.
Good eh?

I have been lazing here, watching television and finishing my library books, I did some noodles and noodle soup, although those can be a pain to digest, it is a meal, so I will sleep.

And since last night, we have light! Woohoo.
 It makes the antisocials more noisy but at least I can see the bathroom!

Monday afternoon

Good afternoon,

I have not been well today, but trying to rest in bed is too achy and shaky, I can't get comfortable, I have been reading my library books so I can return some this week.
I have the PTSD for Dummies book from the library, would love to send a copy to the Diocese and say 'look, this is why I was mad and bad, please forgive me and let me live!'.

I am sitting at my desk, with a blanket and hot water bottle, I looked up 'what illness is worse in the morning and gets better towards evening?' It came up with, depression, anxiety and fibromyalgia!
Damn, I so do not want to have fibromyalgia again.

It is so debilitating.

Apparently cortizole levels change in the evening.

On a brighter note, the person who did me a food parcel included red label tea, so I am drinking delicious tea instead of floor sweepings, I don't know how I will make the UHT last another two and a bit days.

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I slept but I woke feeling ill and in pain,
I have mainly sat and drifted, but I did do some 'office work' emails and letters, and walked to the post box.

At 1pm someone came and dropped off a food parcel for me, there were loo rolls too! :)
And another litre of UHT because I am on my last UHT and I can't bear the thought of a day without tea. So, gotta make the UHT last today, tomorrow, Wednesday. Then...fresh milk! :)
So I have just eaten a hot steak pie and some syrup sponge! :) and that will help me to get better.

I am on painkillers because the neck/shoulder are flaring up.

The housework is done apart from hoovering, but I gave up on the hoover when it sent a postcard from Timbuctu :)

I can't really go anywhere or do much today, but tomorrow I have an interview in the hope of breaking the deadlock, and we will see how it goes from there.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well, having done my housework, I went to church, enjoyed the service and was amused at how many people wanted to look after me, one has to have a norty-sitter otherwise one dives under the chairs and mooches nosily around :)
Nah, we had nice tea and cake as it was a special occasion, but cake isn't a sufficient meal, so when I got home I used the last packet soup and the last dry bread for my lunch, but I was still hungry.
I was also tired and dizzy, so I snoozed a while.

I went to evening church and they were ever so nice, more tea and cake and one lady had brought a plate of roast dinner for her friend who had not turned up so she offered it to me, I ate it all even the plate :)
 The church said they will arrange some food for me.
 And I got a lift home.
Better.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,


Well after another night of nightmares and flashbacks, I woke at 5am, wondered if the clocks had changed this weekend, went to the loo, checked of the clocks had changed, which they hadn't, and tried to doze, got up, put the computer on, wondered why everyone else was up at this hour.

I mixed milk and water and oats and made porridge on the stove, not much milk left, I will be out of milk within the next day and no money to replace it, I am on UHT reserves anyway.

So I had porridge and tea and now I have showered, I am just gonna quietly put my living space in order and maybe have a short walk and I will go to church later.

Saturday night

Good evening,
I am just beginning to settle down for bed,
I have had some packet soup that doesn't want to stay down, and some hot chocolate,
and thankfully the hot water was working so I had a nice hot shower at last! :)

I hope no nightmares, but this new brand of 5-HTP seems to set the nightmares and dreams off.

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Last night I was tired and I slept,
I has screaming nighmares and woke and put the lamp on,
then I slept again and dreamed peaceful sad dreams.

Woke and argh! the lamp was on and I hate light first thing in the morning.

Got up, washed, the water was cold, it was cold last night too, I wonder if we have now lost the hot water.
The landlord knocked and said that the antisocial tenants are staying on their last warning rather than being kicked out yet.

I am tired and I went treasure hunting and found nothing but really struggled to walk, I am worried now.
Living in a house is different from being on the streets of a town where there is soup kitchen, bins and dropped coins on weekend mornings.
I don't know what to do, and the way I am tired and struggling to walk is far from ok.

Friday evening

Good evening,

I went to see if there was anything reduced at the shop, but there wasn't.

I am all lazy and warm, everything is clean and tidy and the laundry is dry.

I am watching 'The Wedding Planner', ideal low-key film for a Friday night.

I think I will have an early night.

I did rice and tuna, as rice and tinned fish are like my emergency rations, so I will be living on the stuff and I don't really like rice with fish, but it is a meal.
So I am finishing off the cake.

Friday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I have been very busy. I hung the washing out, I did the bed, I sorted out the general mess and clutter, I cleaned the surfaces, I washed up, I did paperwork, I cleaned the bathroom, I filtered loads of water and filled up botttles of diluted orange squash - this is because the water here is bad and tastes bad, so I have a water filter and I do bottles of orange squash that I drink during the day and night.

I also finally got around to showering and doing lunch, I had no shower this morning or last night and I hadn't eaten until this afternoon, so now I am all sorted.
I did beans on toast, because I have my own toaster, and a gas ring was working enough and with no antisocial people around, so I could do beans, I am going to push my luck and cook some rice in a minute, it is soaking in boiling water from the kettle.

I have a fine pot of tea on the go and everything is clean and nice.
 It is bright and breezy so the washing should dry well if it doesn't migrate while I am not looking.

Friday

Good morning,

I went back to sleep again eventually, being awake at night is my idea of hell, but I just wasn't sleeping, eventually I was just so tired.
In my view, nights are for sleeping, I would normally be happy to sleep from 9 or 10pm to 6 or 7am, but circumstances just haven't been allowing that.

Anyway, so I had vivid and sad dreams about churches, and I woke, got up, did my usual routine of fruit juice and three tablets, anti-histamine, vitamin and none of your business, then a cuppa and then I went out to post a letter, I find going out first thing quite hard, physically and mentally, not wanting to face the world and not able to walk well, but I posted my letter, I was lucky because although I have about 50p in small change as money, I found three stamps and put two on this bumper letter which contains pages of forms and three pages of covering letter, to try and improve my financial situation.

I put the rubbish out, my rubbish anyway. And when I got back, I put my laundry on. I always get a pat on the head and a cookie for doing my domestic tasks and my paperwork tasks.

Today I can't do much other than paperwork and housework, so I will apply myself to those.
I have a chest infection! It has started nagging recently, reminding me it is a year since that really bad illness, the one where I was drowning at night because I couldn't breathe, and I was waking up with blood that I had coughed up on the pillow, I have to assure you, I have never fought so hard to clear an illness, all because I did not want to end up in the hands of the Diocese of Winchester's police.

Friday 2.25am

Friday 2.20am.

Well here I am awake.
Not good.

I never grumble about my home, well not until recently, eh?
But one of the stresses recently has been about antisocial behaviour from tenants in the block.
Not directed at me but affecting me and other tenants.

It has reached a climax.

Someone was arrested and the antisocial tenants who are noisy all night have been given notice and decided to respond by smashing things.
Er, not the ideal environment for someone with PTSD.

Anyway, I do not think the recent bout of illness was caused by this, but a mixture of illness and fights here mean I did not sleep well last night and can't sleep tonight.

So I thought I would try to do some work until exhaustion forces sleep.

This evening I filled in forms and wrote letters to try and get financial help as the deadlock continues.
 

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well things are tough, and as before, I have been exhausted and in pain but it has eased off as it mysteriously does in the evening.
I walked through the wind and rain to the shop to see what was reduced, there was a cake for 50p and that was all, cake is not a good meal but it fills the tummy, so I got it, it will make another meal tomorrow, that reminds me of being on the streets, only on the streets there were bins and soup kitchens as well.

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,
Well this morning I made another attempt to break out of this deadlock,
and was told to go back next week.
In the meantime, what do I live on?

I went to the welfare and they patted me on the head and gave me a full meal and some good company.

I have been utterly exhausted today, and still am, I am back in bed, this exhaution and pain that doesn't seem to be the injuries, comes and goes and always has, 'fibromyalgia' and 'allergic reaction' have been the sugegstions, but it remains a mystery, I am as tired as if I was a normal person who had run a race, and actually when I used to run, it didn't leave me feeling this bad.
This 'illness' ws noticable from the other day when I could hardly swim, onwards.

All I can do is go back to bed.
I am not normally  a bed in the daytime person, and normally I feel bad about resting, but I can't do much else.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

A disrupted night, especially with th nightmares, the worst being a very vivid one about when I was 12 years old.
Also some rapid heartbeat and insomnia.

Tired now.

I cancelled hospital and back clinic, so I only have one or two tasks, when I get my energy.

I will brew some tea and have a shower and get going so I can get everything done.

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

I feel a bit better, especially for the conversations on twitter and also when I get sick like this it often eases in the evening, dunno why.

I posted one post on the other blog.

I couldn't get anything reduced at the supermarket and I wanted hot food, so I got some chips, can't really afford them, but it is my Birthday.

Nearly bed time. It has been cold and cloudy today, not ideal for me with no jumper, and confusing after a mild winter.

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I have had a very tired and achy day, walking badly and in pain.
Yesterday evening when I sat in bed with the computer, i thought I was being lazy, an indulgence, but all I have wanted to do is rest.

I did go out, I had to cancel tomorrow's treatment of my back, as I have no money.

I went into town, there is not much there but I got two library books and went home.
Seeing the hills does comfort me, I must write a poem about it some time.

I am still very tired, lying on the bed with the computer.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,
Well it was hard to get to sleep, but I slept until 5am.

I woke feeling hot, opened the window and nearly got up.
Cuddled my giraffe and slept again.

Dreamed of boats and sailing and lovely kind people and a place to call home.

Woke up.

My first Birthday greeting that I saw, was from the suicide prevention group, haha.
Then an ostrich from Polo and a message from Emma.
Thank you.

I am brewing tea and just getting into my routine.

Tuesday Night

I am really tired and lazy, just laying on the bed.
I walked up to the shop but there was nothing in the reduced section.

I watched 'The Littlest Elf', no-one warned me Bailhache starred in it. Very sad film. Grim.

I did my housework.

And I have tetley teabags, so at the moment I am drinking decent tea, which helps.
It's gonna be a nightmare living on £10 for the week, it would be alright if I was on the streets but not here.
I had to get so many things with my last lot of money, because in this kind of life, things wear out and are cheap, like my cotton tops and pretty much everything in this old place.

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I did chikkin tikka and rice for supper, by torchlight!

And I showered because I did not have toiletries with me at the swim pool.

Then I am being lazy and watching a kiddies film :) Not one I know.

I thought the rent was due next week but it was this week.

So now I have £10 to last me a week, and tomorrow is my Birthday.

Life after the Diocese!

:)

Tuesday Afternoon

Good morning,
I thought I had updated this blog this morning, but I must have forgotten.

I fell out of bed at  a reasonable hour, after a reasonable sleep,
the blog stats were trotting up merrily on their own.

I blogged a bit and showered and did the usual,
then I went out for a bus ride, a walk and a quick swim,
the swim was a bit difficult, especially as I hadn't had lunch,
and my lower back and legs didn't move well in the water.

I also stopped for groceries.
I have very little money, money came in today but most of it needs to be saved for the rent.

Monday Evening

Good evening,

I am surprised as to how the stats on this blog are shooting up.

I have spent most of the day blogging and sitting here, didn't feel like swimming.

Eventually I went out for a bus ride, didn't really enjoy it, it tends to trigger flashbacks and depression, I feel so utterly useless with nowhere to go and nothing to live for and just horrors of what has happened going on and on through my head, as well as horrors for what may happen.

I am back here, still blogging.
I have no decent food left.

On Wednesday it is my Birthday, and I will be just as isolated and miserable, this is not Jersey, where I had a full life until the end horrors in 2010. Here I have nothing, I battle uselessly to keep a roof over my head and food on the table, but there is no reason, nothing to live for, and on the money I am on, I can't create a reason to live, this is why people use their money on drink and smokes, because there is no pleasure in life and none can be created, I cannot even do sports that are free because of my condition, and I feel too depressed to swim or walk at the moment.
 I am still waiting for the Diocese to launch, and to them, my Birthday would be as good a day as any.

On my Birthday I will not even have enough money for a few days food, let alone a week, and no money to go out to cinema or anywhere. I will be alone, I have had to flee my friends or ask for space due to the attachment disorder and this downhill struggle of living indoors.
Basically it is going to be like every Birthday since the Churchwarden and his wife wrecked my Birthday with their daughter/not daughter rows.
 It's a non-Birthday, and especially since Jane Fisher ended my life with the police, what is the point of another Birthday branded so that work, education and social life are beyond me and the shame and blame segregates me from people and means I cannot even hope to believe in myself.

Anyway, the week goes on as every week goes on, a balancing act of trying to find food and pay rent, a balancing act of sitting here or dragging myself out there for air and exercise and fear of being seen and beaten and detained by police.
 It doesn't matter how old I get, I can't do anything with this life and my life stopped in a police cell long ago.

 And if any of those rotten pranksters from Jersey are reading this, if you send money through the Dean for my Birthday, I will have you arrested, that was a sick joke and the sickest thing apart from it giving the Diocese a chance to injure me again, and Bob Hill resoundingly following that up, I do not have a bank account, sending cheques for me is very cruel, but then, you knew damn well what you were doing, didn't you?

Monday Morning

Good morning,

Well I was on trial all night trying and failing to tell people about my experiences of the police, silenced and disbelieved.
I woke up, thankfully, but I really don't feel like going to aqua fitness, I feel physically and emotionally drained.

Sitting here drinking tea and wondering if this is how life is for however long God keeps me alive, or if the Diocese will launch and harm me further before I die.

Sunday Evening

Good evening,
I need to go to bed soon as I have aqua fitness in the morning.

I went to go swimming this afternoon and ended up riding around on the buses.
I must keep swimming (heehee).

I have been working on the blog, there is a lot to do behind the scenes.

I had a bad night last night and I need to sleep tonight.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

I was quite ill during the night with an upset stomach, I also had screaming nightmares, so not good.


I don't go to church at the moment, part of re-structuring my life to make it less distressing, because even in my main church where I was happy, I used to feel dread and reluctance before each service.
So I have no doubt God doesn't mind me having a break.

It is a sunny spring day. I am sure I should go out and walk or swim.

Saturday Night

Good evening,

Well it has felt like a weekday. On Saturday I am meant to relax and enjoy television and walks and swims and relaxing, but I have been doing blog work and other things as if it was a weekday.

This evening I went to the big supermarket, got all some necessities and also a new cotton top as mine all have holes in.

There was a splendid sunset, wish I had a camera, and if anyone wants to send me one for my Birthday, that would be lovely.

When I got home, the leak had indeed stopped, so I bleached the bathroom and cleaned everything and generally did the housework.

Then I blogged and did a blogs task list, haven't got around to next week's general task list yet, but next week I will start to re-organize my life after stripping it down to solitary bare bones as my social routine wasn't working and I was afraid of another Jill and George situation with one set of friends so I had to ask for space, basically I am trying to create a stable, low-impact life where I am not unhealthily solitary, able to be with people and have occupation, but not overwhelmed, it is tough on a budget and while I am still not sure how to approach the attachment disorder, especially as I cannot afford therapy for the moment.

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I am just having a quiet day, went to the shop for milk, I am wearing a teeshirt, but the wind is a bit sharp.
Yesterday I was dressed for the usual mild weather and was a bit cold on the way home, all of a sudden it is cooler, although bright.

I do not feel like walking or swimming really.

Saturday morning

Good morning,

I am sitting here, full of painkillers as my neck is still bad, I slept soundly last night.

Today is the funeral of one of my fellowship, but I am not going, nor are my friends, as it is a long way to travel, I do have a lit candle here.
It is also Bishop Scott-Joynt's Birthday, the commemoration of the Birth of a man who failed in his duties and destroyed an abuse suvivor and took no responsibility.

Anyway, I am sitting here, with the window open and some rubbish on television, because this is Saturday, reax and unwind day :)
 I may have a swim later.

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well this morning I washed with a jug and bucket and it reminded me of the good old days on the streets.
Eventually I set off, my journey delayed by fog.

I got there eventually and on the way to meet my friend, I did a bit of shopping, things I can't get where I live, such as 5-HTP;  I used to take my 5-HTP in the morning because it can induce vivid dreams and nightmares, but it knocks me out better than the herbal stuff and although I have vivid dreams, they aren't too bad, so I take it at night and it acts as a sleep aid and anti-depressant.

Expensive stuff, and I also got anti-histamines! sneeze sneeze.

I met my friend and we went and had a meal and a cuppa, and then we went to look for a horse.
Because I wanted to see a horsy and stroke it's soft nose.

(It reminded me of George and Jill, one day they were going on about how their grandaughter from Jersey wanted to see an elephant and so they were making arrangements for her to see an elephant.
Funny how they used to complain to me about their gandaughters and say they were spoilt!)

Anyway, sometimes I just want to do things like seeing a horsy and stroking it's nose, so my friend who is very fond of horses and a keen rider, took me to the stables where she used to ride, sadly they were closed and the yard was locked, so we waved to the horses and one of them rolled it's eyes and stuck it's tongue out.

So that was the closest I got to stroking a horsy for my Birthday.

Eventually my friend dropped me off and I headed back here.

The fog was still affecting transport so I got home late.

I have a new shower, which I have tested, and one leak in the roof has stopped, and the landlord says the other should stop when the water dries up, not sure he's right but never mind.

Friday morning

Good morning,

It was hard to sleep last night.
But I woke with not too much pain, my neck is vaguely making threats, so I will have to watch it.
Imagine watching your neck?

There is a new leak and the ceiling is bulging with water. Haha.
The plumber will be here later, and then the shower will be fixed and the leaks will be gone. Yeah.

And maybe we will have lights.

Anyway, my travel is currently delayed by fog, so I can't go and see my friend and have my change of scenery yet.

However, I have a toaster, and I am almost ready for breakfast.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

I went to town and did a spot of shopping, usual necessities, meds, bleach, food, foam pads, etc.

I also got a few books :)

I took the long route home, and after a foggy start in some areas, it was lovely and clear and sunny, but towards the end of the journey the fog suddenly came in and is dense even up here, and cold.
I need to go out and cancel my aqua fitness session tomorrow and do other things, so I will have to walk careful as I am walking without a stick, lost my stick, again :)

I had a message from the landlord saying that the plumber has ordered the bits and the shower and leak will be fixed tomorrow.

I am going to go out tomorrow, so I hope that I am not feeling too wrecked by the work on my spine and shoulder today, I feel quiet achy and shaky now, like I do after aqua workouts and like I did when I started swimming again. So I may not be fit for aqua tomorrow, and I will spend the day out instead.

Thursday morning

Good morning again,
people were demanding that I post news of my first spine treatment when I got back.

Here's the news:

Ouch.

I stepped out the front door and sneezed. There is no doubt that today is the official first day of antihistamines! Argh, six months to go! Counting. (another expense while I can't see an NHS doctor).

Anyway. I went to the clinic, had to go through a raft of questions, and eventually they got round to treatment, non-surgical back treatment, run you over with a herd of wild elephants.

Well it was painful and immidiately as he tried to manipulate my neck, it set my shoulder off, showing the link that I always assumed.
 Some of the treatment was painful, a lot of it was tough because I am touch-sensetive, but he says injury and tension contributes to that.
 He reminded me to get an egonomic keyboard (I hate them things) but I have to budget for it.

He told me to take it easy today, no swimming, and I have already had my walk, so I will do as I am told, although I have an aqua exercise class booked for tomorrow.

He said I am likely to feel achey, and my head and neck and shoulder already do, I hope they don't kick off.

But when he finished treatment, I couldn't feel my spine, not the usual tension or pain, it reminded me of a joke 'A shiver ran round the bench of Bishops, looking for a spine to run down'.

Anyway, I came home and hung my laundry to dry.
I only have a trip into town planned for later, but so far, back treatment, phone and internet top-up, and grocery and bus pass, beforer it's here, the money is already spent, so to speak :(
 Yes, I am paying to have my injuries treated, just as I did years ago when left injured by the NHS, and just as I keep having to do.
For me, the NHS provides very little, because a) I can't access it safely without risk of diocese and police, and b) they have failed me over and over again for 16 years.

The back consultant still thinks me pulling my tractor from where it was stuck is hilarious, but he says that is also where I was injured, even if the injury took it's time to show. Being flung about by police has not helped either.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

Well yesterday evening as I showered before bed, the shower broke and decided that sending water everywhere was great fun, and I couldn't turn the stopcock off, so I wailed miserably at the landlord and he came round and turned it off.
He looked at the leaking ceiling and said they thought they had stopped the water, (not that they had checked), and he said the plumber will come today to fix the shower, and they will try again to stop the leak, which is still steadily and merrily collecting in a bucket.
Once they fix the leak, the wires may dry out so we can have lights! woohoo!

Anyway, I tried to sleep, it was 1am by the time I did, even though I had tried to get an early night because I had things to do today.

I woke early enough though, got washed and dressed, no shower of course, put my washing on, and went to see if my money was in, it was, so I got bread, milk, mobile top up and the paper.

Technically my washing should be done in a few minutes, but in reality, the timer does not work, so it wont be done until almost when I go to get my back done.

I will now see if I can get peanut butter on toast :)

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I was sleepy this morning but slowly I started a new blog project, which wont be published fully for a while.

I put some rice to soak in boiling water in a sealed tub, it has nearly cooked itself.

I wasn't sure what to do about food and money, so I got the emergency small change, pennies and tuppences, just like I used to collect on the streets, and I went to the self-service at the supermarket and paid for a pint of milk and a small baguette, the supermarket didn't like me doing that, but I didn't know what else to do.
Eventually I went to the post office and asked them if they coud change the pennies for me, and they did, so I had £1.36 in acceptable coins, so I got a fish pie and a small chocolate bar.

I have just managed to heat and eat the fish pie, so life feels better :) 

Although while out for my walk I was too warm and sneezing, hayfever season already, and it is already too warm for me. I had forgotten why I don't like spring :) antihitamines tomorrow.

Midnight Tuesday - Wednesday

Good evening,

A very quiet day, blogging, I also booted myself out for my walk.
I had a quiet walk, I scraped some small change together for a chocolate bar at the shop, because my food supply is so low, I am living on soup and a home made fruit loaf that a kind Catholic lady gave me recently.

I never say much about my home, do I? Only that I clean and tidy all the time, recently it has been tricky here, with leaks and no lights, and now even the cooking facilities are failing.
I don't want to grumble about my home, because I am kind of used to it and have not been launched on by the diocese and police here, no-one has come after me yet, and I am almost able to sleep,
I do tend to wake up sick in the morning, even with a neck support, but I almost sleep enough, not the long refreshing sleeps of the streets, where, as you will have read, I used to sleep and wake feeling 'comfy', indoors is not like that because of my spine and the heat, but I learned to live here, and thus it would be good if I can stay put for a while.

I have blogged a lot on the other blog, and that has helped me pull out of the raw horror and misery that hit me again recently, it will keep doing that, that is a fact, and it is a fact that no mental health service could do anything about, they would only put strain on me by making me talk about it, and therapy will be no instant cure when I resume it, there is years of work ahead, unless someone could help me with intensive treatment somewhere effective.

Tuesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well yesterday water started coming through the ceiling, thankfully when I went on a hoover hunt, complete with net and stun gun, old landlord was hiding in a cupboard, so I told him, and he said that the water is also causing the electrics and lights problem, so he humphed vaguely at the sorry mess of towels, buckets and drips, and wandered off to find the cause, never to be seen again, ho-hum.

The hoover, however, was taken by surprise and agreed to make my room look smarter.
So, hoovered, tidied and with the washing up done, I started brewing pots of strong, rich, brown, hot tea.
I also had soup and bread for lunch.

Monday Evening

Good evening,
sorry for the break in the blog, I have been battling depression and flashbacks and have felt very distressed and low.

Be aware that this happens sometimes, well, you may have noticed.
When it happens I cannot actually do much when it is at it's worst, so I stop writing.
I have actually pulled out of it a bit by writing on the other blog though.

I slept in the early hours of this morning and dreamed a lot, dreamed of my Dad and Anne, and as you do when you dream about someone who is dead, you have the puzzled feeling about them being there when you know they can't be, and when you wake, the grief hits you.
I dreamed my dad and family were living somewhere and someone asked why I was homeless when I could live with my dad, and I didn't know how to answer.
Oh the sadness when I woke!

Anyway, I just ended up blogging all day, completing the story of my life before Jersey.

I now move on with the Jersey story.

I had a swim this evening, my last swim for a few days, swims are free, but I do not have a pound for the locker as I used my last pound on food and milk on the way home.
I have a few days of no money, no nothing, bus pass run out today too.

Saturday Night

Good evening,

I went for my walk, I was a bit stiff and limping to start with, but my muscles warmed and I walked well, I walked slowly and easily, a few mils on the flat, and though it was a lovely sunny day, the haze soon hid the hills where I live, I was walking over to the other hills. I got there and had a cuppa at the cafe at the bottom of the hill. I like that cafe, I have not been there for a while but I like it, they do a good mug of tea, and I sat outside and enjoyed the view and the day.
Then I had a slow and gentle walk halfway up the hill, then headed down again and made my way to the bus stop.

I went into town and got a book from the library and some reduced stuff from the supermarket, then when I got home I have been relaxing and reading and blogging, watching Titanic again and had a shower, now it is nearly bed time.
I realise I have kind of got used to indoors, I suppose, but if the diocese launch on me, I will quit.

Saturday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well I got to sleep, but it was not a deep sleep, I dreamed a lot, but the dreams were peaceful.

I woke this morning knowing I could have a lie-in as it is Saturday.

Then I got up, showered, put the kiddies programmes on, and sorted out the computer and wifi a bit.

I didn't have breakfast because I think if I am inactive, a few cups of tea suffice until midday.

I did macaroni cheese for lunch.

I am not tidying my room today, well not until later.

I am going for a nice walk soon, a few miles, and I will take my costume and towel in case I want to pop in for a swim if it isn't too busy at the centre.

stalkerstat is safely back, Stalky have you realised that I am in Surrey? :):):) 

Friday Night

Good evening,
Well I have been watching 'Titanic'.
I find the most emotional bit of Titanic is the bit where the men are playing their instruments as the ship sinks, and they play 'nearer my good to thee', all very calm and polite as everyone panics.

My tooth broke earlier where the dentist had fixed it, I was very sad about that, but it has felt awkward and sensitive recently, so it went and broke.

I have managed to do some blogging this evening as I watched Titanic.

Friday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I feel like I been in a car wreck. All my everything is aching, which is not so surprising, all my everything has had exercise, and it is not so accustomed to this.

This morning I headed to the swim centre and got my band and changed into my swim things, then I wasn't sure what to do, so I asked the nice lifeguard, and she said that I should do lengths and bob about in the water until the class started, so I obliged, which means I have had an hour and ten minutes of all round exercise today, not including short walks.

The class started, and being new, I was not as quick as the others.
It was as I expected, because it was low impact it was all older ladies, I was the only one with genuine brown hair.
And old ladies in classes can be a bit cliquey and condescending, but never mind, what matters is that I completed an hour of exercise and my whole body has had a workout, and it is amazing how that helps with depression.

I will have to stick to low impact for the foreseeable future, because that class was hard work, and I am aching, my body needs to adjust.

Tomorrow and Sunday, the pools will be busy, so I am not sure if I will go.

This afternoon I went down to the supermarket and got some reduced odds and ends.

I am tired, this swimming may help me to start sleeping better, so I will not be lying awake afraid of the diocese and their police, I will just have nightmares about them.

I have cooked my supper for later and and emptied the bin, now I can relax a bit.

I actually feel fairly relaxed, if achey, and in this nice weather, as if I am kind of living again, but ever on the horizon is the Church and their condemnation. It has felt recently as if something bad must happen to spoil the good, they never give up.

Friday Morning

I slept without too much difficulty, had nightmares, I may have been screaming in my sleep again.

I also dreamed about church and diocese, I dreamed my old friends from church were being nice but that I felt cold to them and couldn't remember why.
I also dreamed that someone told me that FM had died, but I had no feelings about that.

I woke and am just getting ready to go to this aqua exercise class, wish me luck.

Thursday Night

Good evening,

I am just wandering through books and blogs.
I went to the shop but forgot sugar.

I am tired, I am not used to swimming and am too enthusiastic about it.

I will have an early night.

If anyone sees my stalkerstat, clip it's ear and send it back to the blog feed, I direct my blog at that stalkerstat sometimes, so I need it to keep me focussed.

It looks like I am staying here, there is no such thing as ideal in this world so I will stay and plod for the moment.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

Well, old landlord didn't turn up earlier, so I left him a message to say come at 5pm.

Then I went out and had a swim, got carried away again, also did many exercises in the water, stretching my legs and muscles, and doing forward and backward walking as suggested by the consultant.
The pool isn't very big and it gets busy with people swimming up and down even in casual swim time, so it is hard work to swim slow and do exercises.
Tomorrow I am doing a low impact aqua fitness class, just to see how I get on, it is included on my card.

After swimming I went for a ride on the buses, got a pair of jeans for £1 at a chattery shop, and they fit.
I went to the library, paid the fine and got some books.
Then came home.
I had a shower and done odds and ends.

Old landlord popped round, checked something because of the lights not working and smiled and vanished.
My type of landlord, very absent. I am less scared in this setting, despite it's problems, than I would be in a houseshare where my limited social things make life difficult.

Anyway, I am sitting here, books, paperwork and television, I am still too unfocussed to do much with the other blog at the moment.

Birthday wish list:

• cake
• more cake
• Tetley or Yorkshire tea
• new boots
• new cotton top
• steam train
• ergonomic keyboard
• enzymes so I can eat fruit and veg

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I did as I said, I had a warm shower and put clean warm pyjamas on and had peanut butter sandwiches, and read about why people like me cause concern with our behaviours.
Still hard to change. All very well in theory. But persistence will help.
I hope that someone like Christine was able to explain to the diocese why I react to them, because I am grateful that they have stopped bothering me, although their silence is ominous, with no real assurance that they aren't going to launch again and harm me further.

It was hard to get to sleep, as usual, but once I slept, I really slept. This morning before I woke, I had very bizarre and incongruent dreams about pirates and being on a pirate ship, but the dreams were rather sweet too.
I also dreamed, very vivid and clear, that I was in a sheltered home with beautiful gardens and I was happy there, not forced. And then Bishop Dakin came to talk to me in the same dream.
I didn't say 'Bog off, Bishop', I was so surprised that he treated me as a real human person.

Anyway, I had extreme trouble peeling myself off the bed this morning, I feel like I been run over by a steam roller, but sadly not that thin, feeling wrecked is not surprising after yesterday, but here I am with my cuppa, waiting for old landlord to pop round, and then I will probably go and have another swim :)

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I worked hard at sorting my paperwork out and rotating the laundry to ensure that it all dried, all the while waiting for the news from Jersey.

And it was good news, Sam Mezec and Nick LeCornu have been elected as deputies in the St. Helier by-election! :) yay, hope for Jersey yet!

Well with a clean and tidy house, I decided to go for a brief walk, I enjoyed my brief walk, a mild but starry night, so unusual for so early in spring, what happened to the cold?
Anyway, I could see in the lamp light that I am very lopsided, I mean I always was a bit, with leg length syndrome and my right side weaker than my left, but even so, it is amazing that I didn't realise before, especially as I have had pelvic problems in the past.
But you know what? If I had seen an NHS Doctor, they would not have noticed the problem, I would be as always, a waste of time because they would be running late and I am too nervous to be assertive and say that I can't keep being left with problems.
My expensive solution is as always, to go private.

Anyway, here I am home, I will shower and will put warm pyjamas on and make my bed, and I will have peanut butter sandwiches and milk for supper and do a small amount of reading about behavioural problems.

Wednesday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I wrote three cards and posted them, because my friends have been very supportive through the recent difficulties.
That is called 'positive communication' and I get a pat on the head and a cookie for remembering to do it.

I went to get my disabled swim card, and ended up having a swim while I was there, I am a self-taught swimmer and not always good at swimming any one stroke, so I was trying to keep the consultant's words in my mind, he said only certain strokes, not too long at a time, walk about in the water, rest plenty, don't overdo it or strain your head and neck.
But I was so excited to actually swim again, to actually be in the water, be alive and mobile and able to do something again! So I overdid it a bit :( Very tired and achy now.
Ha, I will swim tomorrow too, I will live in that pool.

I decided to walk home, life felt brighter, I can swim, I can be somewhere and do something!
I may also join the rehab and exercise classes that they do in the pool every week.

Now I am tired, I must make sure all my washing dries, put new linen on the bed, and start sorting all my paperwork into files, living in a house means lots of paperworks :(

Wednesday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well this morning I had time to get the clothes laundered and put to dry and get the linen and towels wash on as well as clean the bathroom. I am obsessive about cleaning the bathroom, aren't I?

Then I left the linen wash washing itself and went to my spine and walking consultation.

Wow, it was thorough, we started with talking about what I did with my life -walking and writing, and what I used to do, gardening.
I was asked what kind of chair I sat on and how I sat and how I used the computer, and I was advised as to how I should change that, I was also asked if I sat on a sofa and watched tv at an angle, which I don't.
I tend to watch tv either from here, my office desk, or from the bed, where the tv is directly in front of me.
Anyway, I had to take my outer clothes off and put a gown on, you know how I hate that.

Immediately he found the quite severe misalignments in my head and neck bones, which no NHS doctor has ever even checked. He showed me how bad the misalignments were, and he said it is no wonder I get sick with pain.
No one has ever picked up on that, although the physiotherapist would tell me not to sleep on my backpack as it seizes the muscles, and the osteopath told me that the neck vertebrae are degenerated.

So, as I thought, it would be a bad idea for me to take up any of my old sports, he said so, but we discussed swimming and he told me swimming certain strokes, doing exercise in the water, and not too much until we start to mend the injuries a bit.
He looked at my lower back, damaged discs and again a severe misalignment, he said my pelvis is (again) very severely out, and it is going to take a lot of work to put right, (last time that was done I felt like I had been run over by a bus for days) But he said no wonder I can't walk easily, and it does make sense now he has said it, no wonder I kept falling off my hips.

He said that some of the muscles in my legs are trying to do the work of the ligaments because of misalignments, and that puts too much strain on them. Wow, it is wonderful to actually understand these things.

I really learned a lot today, I had no idea about it all, because the NHS are just too pushed and under-resourced, in all that time not walking well, the NHS just said nothing could be wrong because my reflexes were good, and they said I had leg length syndrome and gave me uncomfortable blocks to put in my boots, which I eventually threw away.
Today the consultant asked about all that, and he said that the orthotics that my private walking therapist had recommended, which I still use, are just right, and that blocks for leg length syndrome are useless and had the NHS podiatrist ever measured the leg length discrepancy? No, he never did, and the consultant said that leg lengths should each be measured three times to get an accurate measurement.

I am all for the NHS because they provide free treatment, but due to their lack of resources and time, they have let me down over and over again.

So, my pelvis is seriously out, no wonder I can't walk very well, my head and neck are seriously screwed and my lower spine needs attention, and even the examination has set my head and neck off again.

The consultant laughed and laughed when I told him about Jersey, about pulling the tractor out of where it was stuck, even when I told him it was a little horticultural tractor, he laughed and laughed, he didn't say 'you idiot no wonder you've done your discs in!' but at that time in Jersey, I wasn't thinking straight any more, that is very probably when I did the hernia too.
But he thought it was hilarious so I was laughing too.

He asked about injuries and illnesses in childhood, and I explained as best I could that my medical history is patchy and it is still 50:50 whether I had polio when I was 8 years old and not able to walk without pain etc. I told him about the head injuries from my young childhood, because he said it is important that he knows everything because his own experience is that he broke his back when he was a child and years later was in pain and it was after quite some treatment that his consultant found out about the broken back and told him his troubles stemmed from the broken back.
My injured head and neck has a number of possible causes, but it has been troubling me severely for years, and the thought that it may be treatable brings me to tears.

I am instructed to sort out my computer and keyboard to ensure I am reducing strain, use a pillow for my back when I sit, drink plenty of warm water, none of my old sports until or unless therapy improves the condition of my spine, limited swimming and water exercises, and think about what position I sit in, no slumping.
Next week the torturous job of repairing or improving spine and pelvis will start :( bump.

Anyway, I came home, put the linens and towels out to dry in the garden as it is a nice day, threw a pizza in the oven for lunch, and went to the shop for folders for paperwork, some cards to send to people, some white tack to pin interesting things to the walls, and more loo rolls in case I run out.
I am dead domesticated, me.
Can't find that Houdini hoover though, it has obviously taken itself off for a walk again, maybe the neighbour's hoover is on heat.

I need to go and sort out my swim card when I have written in these cards and posted them.

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well I woke really early, feeling really ill, and lay there with thoughts racing.
Thoughts are never very helpful when I lie in bed, they tend to mingle with flashbacks, regrets and fears, so I have got up and had a cuppa.
 Now I just need to sort myself out for the day.

Tuesday Night

Good evening,

I have had a shower and am working on an autism and behavioural problems manual. Very helpful, wish I could publish these manuals.

I have had no pancakes, I hope no-one minds.

I am very tired but I need to sleep at night, not go to bed early and lie awake or go to bed in the daytime, I need to get better.

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,
I kicked myself out for a constitutional for most of the day.
I felt tired, wanted to go back to bed, which is a downward spiral.

I got a pair of jeans in the charity shop. My only pair is wearing at the seams, more holey than uncle Tim's mitre.
I haven't tried the new jeans on yet, I just bought them and run cos I can't cope with shops.
By the time I got home I was shivering though. I am still not 100% and although things are marginally better, I am not happy about recent events.

Anyway, I put a lamp on an extension lead so I could clean the bathroom, and so I did, and did other odds and ends.

This evening, thinking about the lack of progress in therapy and and how upset I have been recently, I downloaded some behavioural therapy manuals onto Kindle, I have always battled with, and been baffled with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, maybe because of my cognitive problems, but I now have a book on Dialectal behaviour therapy, which I heard about at my psychology clinic, and I already understand that better than any CBT books.

My behaviour is wired wrongly from early on in my life, I did not have any example but my parents and siblings, no solid outside influence due to no school or nursery or any other organization, not even social services managed to intervene.
So, I learned anger, out of control anger, and fear, out of control fear, and the very real dangers in life magnified those emotions, I also didn't learn to relate to people properly and simply experienced a lot of aggressive and disruptive behaviours around me, in the family and the people they fought with, and then the autism element is also a factor.

I have never been proud of my problems, in fact I carry a burden of shame, but it has been a long slow progress for me to recognise what problem is what and seek treatment, it is hard work changing problems that stem from so early on, especially as the NHS have been worse than useless in any form of diagnosis or help, and I have to fight every inch and pay for my own treatment, diagnosis and books to help me, I have had to learn how to keep my environment stable and avoid triggers, and yet, I remain with unresolved problems.
Recent stresses have sent things out of control, and all I can ever do is look at what has happened and pick myself up and start anew and look for new solutions, so hopefully the behavioural therapy manuals will help.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,
I am not quite back to normal yet, so it is hard to know what to write.
I got up and had a shower and some tea, I am trying to persuade myself that going out would be good for me, I am walking better, and hopefully due an assessment of my spine and walking soon.

Monday Midnight

Good evening/morning.

I am here, in the land of the living.
Been through a hundred hells recently, but still standing.
Speak in more detail later in the morning :)

Saturday morning

Yes everything is fine, no more posts for a while