This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Friday, 10 February 2012

Lets go back to Wednesday and work our way up to now:

I went back to meet my friend after she had been to her funeral and we headed for the town where a number of my family live.

I continued to try and make contact with the family and they continued their usual refusal to communicate.
Eventually I left a message saying that I wasn't going to bother and all of a sudden my older brother who never speaks to me, or anyone, unless it is time to go drinking, started accusing me of owing him money.

I gathered it was to do with the time of dad's funeral when that brother offered to book my plane ticket and messed it up and had to pay an amendment fee, I repayed him the plane ticket and also as much of the fee as I could and said if I could possibly afford the rest I would pay, this was despite the fact that he still owed, and still does owe me money for petrol for a time when I drove him several hundred miles to get a new car he had bought on ebay. My sister came with us and I remember them heading for the pub as I drove away.
Shortly after that when his wife took his children to America to live and never told him or made contact I went to see him and he was sitting in the dark with no food and he apologetically said he would pay me when he could and I assured him it wasn't important despite my own lack of money. He never paid me and he has been sitting on a grudge about me apparently owing him money and nursing this grudge and maligning me in the true style of my family.
Anyway in response to his outburst I said all this, and told him to come and get some money, I had hoped to give my other brother a small amount for his baby daughter as he is working 12 hour shifts and struggling to keep a roof over his head, his girlfriend and baby's head, his girlfriend's sister and her boyfriend and their baby's head. So I wanted that brother and his family to have a gift.
But anyway my brother didn't want his grudge taken away, so it ended up in a huge row, why do I bother to row with that family? they won't change or scapegoat me any the less.
In the end I said and decided completely and finally that I am crazy to even try to go crawling round this banch of self centred self-righteous idiots who treat me like a bit of dirt, call me mad and exclude me, why did I ever bother coming back to them and acknowledging them as my famly again? If money and grudge and emotional kicks from bad mouthing and excluding me is what it means to be family then they are not worth it. And I told them so, as usual they tried to make me out to be insane and I told them I hellish wished I was but the assessments say otherwise.
The exchange of words brough back memories, memories of waiting to go home to Hometown and being held up because my family wouldn't stop talking, wouldn't stop their black and white opinions of women in the workplace and how if a certain person was made president of the USA he would be assassinated, (he hasn't been yet, thank God). I remember waiting and waiting for them to get off my car and stop the one-sided schitzotypal rant and let me go home, I remember thinking that no matter how much I was struggling in county A I needed to remember and rejoice every day that I was there and away from this crazy family, and I continued to look for my 'real family' and continued to be abused.

So that was it, I told them what I thought of them and as usual that was a waste of energy. And I am rid of them.

But it was a shock, and I went to the backpackers hostel for the night and it was not the peace and quiet I hoped for, well, firstly I lost my way and wandered into gangland and my leg gave up and wouldn't take my weight, fortunately a kind police officer walked past as my leg gave up and he walked with me back to the area I was headed for. Then the hostel was full of squabblesome girls, one in my dorm wanted all the heaters on full blast so it was roasting hot, the last thing I needed, then a girl came in and immediately started grumbling about the mattresses, I was wound up by my family and I asked what she expected from a £10 a night doss house, then she decided she didn't like me being on the computer, to cut a long story short it was an uncomfortable night.

I didn't wash or eat, it was too upsetting. I am not sure where the day went, I had a cup of tea and a snack eventually, and wandered round town, this right leg is bad though, I need to contact the medics.
I found a debit card and handed it in at the police statiom, the police station had a number of people who had been in trouble and were complaining about police brutality, I sympathised. I asked the police for the number for social services, I have worried sick about my unstable mother and the two youngest children who are outside of society and in desparate need of help, but social services said they are not allowed to help without permission, so never mind walking away with peace of mind about the safety of those three, I will just walk away, but it explains why the church have been unable to set social services on me.

Eventually my friend picked me up. It was a relief and she immediately knew that things hadn't gone well, we talked as she drove, and she understood, we talked a lot, and she told me about the visit she once had to a certain cathedral and how disgusted she was by the way she was treated there, and how there had been a scandal there, I told her that two of the people involved in the church destroyal of me had worked at that cathedral, it turned out that she understood things and I understood things and the unbearable burden of my family and the church became easier.
She dropped me off at a bus stop on the edge of town and headed out to her home, and I got into town and wandered into the library for a bit. Then I went to the samaritans because I was afraid of going to the summerhouse alone after all the distress.
The samaritans were very helpful and understanding, and then I was just in time to catch a bus to the summerhouse.
I went to McD's before I went in the summerhouse, and I sat and had supper and chatted away with friends on facebook and we had a laugh about family and everything and I felt ok again.
I went to the summerhouse and settled down with the radio on softly and cuddled down in my soft bedding with Patrick giraffe and slept lightly but peacefully. My family were never my family, there is nothing to grieve, I tried to replace them and failed, I tried to belong to them again and failed, so I am one alone, and that is not all bad, my friends online joked about being family.

I woke up in the early morning needing the loo,  you don't want to know this but shewees work ok. I really need a slightly bigger ovaltine pot though.
I wondered if I should get up and go to the bus stop but I decided I had more time to sleep, no stupor, just catching up on the zzz.

I got up eventually, went into town, collected a letter from the benefits office and spent time at the benefits office working out what the letter meant.
Then it was lunchtime already, and I went to the homeless lunch, there were a group outside, one of them was talking about getting caught on camera for something. Inside there was no trouble and I had a nice lunch.

Then it was back to the library, filling in the deedpoll forms and going to the post office to start my post office account and send a postal order and documents for my deedpoll name change, next week I will be rid of my family name forever. I will be me at last.

The library has had trouble today with police and arrests and fights, and the market had police investigating as well. :(
I didn't wash properly this morning, I must go and wash. I am looking forward to my bed tonight as well, I am emotionally tired.
There was freezing temperatures and snow forecast but not much is happening.

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