This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Friday, 3 February 2012

I went to the library and did some work on the A-Z blog and then went to the homeless lunch.
Remember how I used to dread the homeless lunch? I dreaded it because of the gossips. The gossips no longer even look at me, and I don't care about them, the table is divided in three, the gossips are on one third and the other two thirds are nice people, reasonable people, my friends.

I had a nice lunch but I was feeling the same cold tiredness that I feel now. I was sleepy, the cold seems to be inside me, but I don't feel cold from the weather, the weather is crisp and cold but not the coldest weather by any means. I like this weather and would sleep perfectly happy in my bedding pile in this weather.

I went back to the library after lunch, but I was still sleepy and cold inside.
I went to the post office and cashed my giro.
Then I went to the chemists and got two things I want in order to try and work out what the hell is really wrong, a blood pressure monitor and a blood glucose monitor. (this extra money is very beneficial to my health and wellbeing).
My blood pressure is known to be variable, from too low (which feels like hypoglycemia stupor) to too high - it has been 187/110 when checked and re-checked by a doctor, but this was when dad died and my family were going mad.
I am questioning what my blood sugar is doing and I am tired of asking the doctor why I get sick so much, I want less medical intervention and more answers, so I am going to monitor and see what is going on before asking the doctor for more help. I have stopped taking a medicine that I didn't need as my system doesn't cope well with lots of meds. Time to be procative, I am unwell and I want to know why.

As well as knowing what hypoglycemia feels like, I know a bit what hyperglycemia is like, horrible buzzy feeling from too much chocolate or sweets that I have to try and persuade me to settle and write down what has happened to me in my blogs and statements.

I go to the bed and breakfast. I watch 'my parents are aliens', I check blood sugar fairly easily 8.1.
Blood pressure takes a few tries, 160/103.
I am going to keep checking these things and then consult the gruesome medics and ask for diet advice. I really don't know what I should or shouldn't eat, I am restricted in what I can eat because of my lifestyle and while there is food I comfort eat and also eat whatever is on offer/offered because of fear of starving again or low blood sugar, I fear low blood sugar because it is so awful and makes me feel so bad and makes me vulnerable when I get to the drowsy and no longer lucid stage and I am terrified that the police would find me like that and knock me about or lock me in again.
I am not diagnosed diabetic and I hope I won't be but I have a genetic blood sugar problem that means I get low blood sugar too easily, if I miss one meal I will get sick. Hence the thin times on the street being so harsh on me and hence my desparate efforts to get sugary tea sometimes, but I wonder if I have done more damage by getting paranoid about keeping blood sugar levels up. If 8.1 is still a bit high then I need to keep an eye on it and hope that home testing isn't as accurate as medical testing.
Life would be hell if I am diabetic because I am allergic to some artificial sweetners, shoot me now! I am too fragile to be alive!

sometimes I wonder if I get sick because of emotional illness, which was suggested some time ago, but I am no more emotionally ill than usual and I have been throwing up my lunch all afternoon and it was a nice bread and soup lunch with fruit and tea, and I always do throw bread and soup up, why? it is a good meal, a meal I have several times a week.

I am comfortable in bed writing this, but there is snow forecast and there is film club tonight, so I will be out of the comfy bed and into the nice cold again soon.

This bed is warm and comfy, and I will have a shower later with lots of shower gel.

When I left my friends house earlier she gave me a pot of vitamin tablets, she invited me to a quiz and to stay over tomorrow night, hm, I need some cold dark alone time really, but I will see how I feel, she also said she may be able to wash my clothes on sunday, she is an angel.

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