Introduction

This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England http://whatreallyhappenedinthechurch.blogspot.co.uk/

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/JJNP

Wednesday, 22 February 2012

It has been really difficult to blog recently, a combination of depression and friendship problems, google completely screwing up the system and not taking into account that poor people cannot upgrade to what google want them to have and should not be penalised and left without access to their accounts, the fact that the only statistics on this blog are now russian spammers, and just the struggle to be here and write since that brainless woman told me that my blog didn't make sense,
well, she is living with someone she isn't married to, why should her opinion matter?

I am going to write this blog starting from Sunday evening when I stopped writing:

Sunday evening: I went back to the travel terminal and tried to connect to wifi but failed, so I stayed and watched the end of a movie that the last few passengers were watching, it was called 'Journey to the centre of the earth', then I went for a walk right to the very edge of the town, which is not far from my summerhouse but I had never walked there before.
The stars were beautifully clear and it was very cold. I walked out of the street lights and into the darkness, the edge of the countryside, poultry farm and tree plantations, it was so lovely looking at the stars.
Then I went back to the summerhouse, but I started having the terrors and distress, I phoned the samaritans but they were deeply unhelpful, whoever I spoke to did not want to hear me or accpet my distress, they were so obviously a church person who didn't want to accept the bad side of the church, I think that the samaritans phoneline is a waste of time, when they are unhelpful on there it is much worse than when they just endure me when I go to the samaritans centre, because I only phone the samaritans if things are really bad and they are so rarely helpful that it is not worth it. Even those that seem helpful are in a hurry to end the call and move on to the next caller, sometimes they even tell me so. No one can understand me and the learning difficulties by phone.

Anyway, Monday morning, hopefully this will be my last walk into town. I start walking, my leg is painful but not awkward. On the way someone from the church I went to yesterday leans out their car window and asks if my migraine is better, I say it nearly is, I should have asked that person if they were going into town and if I could hitch a ride, but I never thought of it.

I got into town, went to the church, my friend who I have a cuppa with was there, but my other friend is also there and she and I have fallen out and she is not happy to see me, so I leave and later she says in a text I shouldn't have left without talking to her, but she was angry earlier, so what good would me staying do? I am so very confused.

Anyway, my money hasn't turned up, so I go to the benefits office, and the money is there for some reason. The lady makes a phonecall for me to ensure that my money goes into my new post office account in future, so here I am with last weeks giro and another one due into my account on Friday.

I do a brief shop, the benefits office seems to waste hours of my time and  it is now past lunchtime. I go to the daycentre to let them know my money is sorted and to thank them for helping me through the bad time.

The man at the daycentre is talking to a little girl who is wandering around while her dad reads the paper, there is a lady ordering food at the counter and wearing a big fur coat and he solemly tells the little girl that the lady in the fur coat is a giant teddy bear, the little girl points to the woman and whispers 'Teddy?' and points questioningly to the next woman in the que, 'Thats Margaret' says the daycentre man, then he goes back to his work and the little girl goes back to daddy,
a few minutes later the little girl comes back to where the lady in the fur coat is standing and pokes the woman's fur coat and says 'TEDDY BEAR!'.

Anyway, I didn't get any writing done on monday. I went to the bed and breakfast in the end and relaxed there with the almost non-working tv and my computer.
The best thing was that I got to wash my hair and have a thorough shower and sort out. I am not using the church shower while me and my friend are at odds. And I am broken hearted at falling out with her, she is a gem and I have trusted her with a lot of my story.

In the bed and breakfast I slept with no insomnia and woke just once with the most awful and horrifying memories of the church and sadness about my friend who I have fallen out with, we hadn't been friends long, but she is a special gem, someone I trusted with everything, and that is rare, I miss that trust.

Got up in the morning and made my way to town after a shower and breakfast. Didn't get any writing done, but got shopping done, did something I had wanted to do for a while, had a proper bra-fit, fascinating, my mum didn't bother to help me with bras and when Janet measured me for bras I was still a teenager, so I have never been sure about size, but guess what, I wasn't really wrong in my bra size at all, so I am not one of the 70% who are wearing the wrong size bra! :)
The store that measured and advised me didn't have anything suitable in stock, so I got a soft sports bra from primark, I am sure you don't want to know all this. :) I am no good with lacy bras as they itch, I like plain with good support.
Anyway, I got a haircut, the hairdressing college in London take too long and leave my hair not much different, and now they have started charging, so I will go back to proper cheap haircuts that don't take and hour and a quarter, I am quite pleased with my new haircut, the hair is off my forehead at last.

so now I am haircutted and wearing new jeans, the old ones had gone at the seams. I have replaced all my toiletries as well, so things are feeling better.

I go to the meditation at church, but my friend and I are still not seeing eye to eye and she is snorty and huffy at me and I just want to hide under a chair.
After meditation we have tea and cake and I have the delight of chatting to another friend who always takes the time to sit and chat with me when I am there.

Then it is time to head for the summerhouse, I am tired and I get some milk and make tea and fall asleep, this is good, I am sleeping again.
I dream that someone I know and his wife have bought a boat and they are roping me into helming it and they get me to steer it alongside the quay so that we can wash the boat down, it is a smart white 32-footer and I like this boat. Then I dream of my estranged brother that he and his girlfriend are looking for a house and also a boat. Then I wake up, the depression is overwhelming as I wake, not because of the dreams, but I get up and muddle around trying to sort myself out, I have tea and a quick wash and head for town in a packed bus.

Here I am. I have to go to the dentist in a minute because I have lost my mouthguard and I need a new one, it will help.

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