Thursday evening poetry

Vic:

you are on the steps among the gangs

laughing, ruffling hair, mock fighting

always smiling, always cheeky

happy, amazingly so,

when you see me, you come over,

grinning, cheeky,

Vic, my brother,

and so we walk and talk

you tell me all about it

and it is never boring,

no it's amazing your life,

considering,

I remember you telling me

about your dad,

and I remember

something else

when the stormy weather came

you and I slept side by side in the grime and squalor,

safe and chaste,

brother and sister

You are a shining light, brother,

stay safe and live with joy as you do

I would say you are amazing

but you already know that.

Thursday evening poetry

M:
never has a night seemed so lonely
never so devoid of hope

than when I started my onward journey
alone and away from from you

the tears still fall unbidden
and I still turn back to try and find you

but no answer ever comes
and so I walk on alone

Thursday evening poetry

JJ, F, D,D and S and all the gang, in longing memory and yen for reunion, oh how can we not go back?

Child:

The stars are shining
as she peacefully sleeps
like a child in her mother's arms
home, safe nurtured, unaware of the horrors to come

wrapped in blankets on the ground
out under the starry sky
the safest place on earth
close to you, like a child in her mother's arms

lying on the ground, breathing the cold night air
and looking at the shimmering diamond sky
happy, safe, loved, peaceful
as she sleeps in your arms 

alone on the ground, wrapped in blankets
and wrapped safe in your love and acceptance
in the silent night the small creatures run and the owl hoots
but she sleeps like a child in your arms, safe, peaceful, happy

the dawn comes and she wakes,
peaceful in the cold early dawn
to light the stove, wash, stash the blankets
and wait another day to sleep, safe under your loving care

oh if only she could go back, be a child in your arms again
those dark nights of safety and love
sleeping safe in your arms forever in an endless love and care, 
it's true in every way, she found paradise there

Thursday Night poetry

Mikey:
Farewell to a friend
a friend from the streets
who shared the dark night
and the firelight

life out there is a kind of death
for those of us who are finished
but we keep each other company
as life and hope diminish

you and I we roamed them streets
seeking freedom from our scars
both of us still trying to escape
from those prison bars

the big dark night was the enemy
but it was also a good friend
we roamed the night with wild joy
and never knew it would end

the salt of the earth live out in the night
and you were a wonderful grain
but now your road goes on without us
never to meet again

The end is what we all wait for out there
and you are at last at peace
but I am here without you
in a night that may never cease

I wish you a peaceful journey brother,
and keep the memories here
of those days and nights as forgotten people
freed to disappear

Thursday Evening

Good evening,
I have been very unwell, I can't even do what the WRAP course teaches,
which is to look after myself and my flat in order to help me get better.
I didn't pick my new bike up as arranged as I was sick in bed,
and I am not going on my dream work experience tomorrow.

I found a nice trains video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3tlCqqg7lw

I can't do much apart from un-poetry:

Michelle:

The rain is falling on the empty square
And those of us, still embarassed to be seen
are furtively looking in the bins
While the giant screen blares ghostly music

The leaves of the plane trees are dripping
and we huddle in the shelter of the overhang

You come raging and ranting
and the peace and quiet is gone
you are shouting at nothing
and nothing has no reply

What makes me sad
is that this was preventable
in your early homeless days
you were sane.

Damien:

You used to go to the hospital
sit there and beg them to admit you
as you grew thinner and more ill
crying for help to deaf ears

when you were high
you used to walk in the road 
and argue with cars
and tell me funny stories

you reached out to me
in my terrified silence
and bonded me to the homeless gang
so I felt safer, less alone

You were in a bad way
I doubt you lived
and I curse that hospital 
for refusing to admit you

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,

Well I continued to work slowly but surely.
Eventually I did the usual, took the rubbish out, put the beach clothes on the line, went for a walk, used some of the dregs of the money on reduced food, had a short walk and came home. It is still warm and the sea is calm, people were still out swimming in the sea.

Earlier today I made two work experience applications.

I came home and found a reply to one.

It looks like I start work on Friday, and in at the deep end, as they say.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good Afternoon,

Well I had a bad night and woke late.
I have felt ill and discouraged but have been working slowly, and managed to get myself washed, fed and medded.
I also crawled down to the beach, it is very crowded, the tide being in means so much less space, but there is always space for little me and my beach clothes while I have a swim.
I had a very basic and short swim and did my exercises.
Then I dried in the warm sun and bowled slowly home.

Yesterday afternoon and evening the storms kept passing either side of us and I never got any decent lightning pictures.

I am home, just need to do the usual wash the beach clothes and bath routine.
I think I know what I want to do with regards a career, as well as my writing, I just need the supported employment scheme to help me to find out how.

Coffee has finished for the summer.

Monday Night

Good evening,
Well I am feeling upset and my sleeping pattern is shot to hell.

Monday/Hey Arnold/ Poem

I am watching 'Hedy Arnold' :) ah, the memories.

Here is sequel to 'Child'

The days were shortening
and the dark growing
When I came home
tired and in pain

I lit the stove in the dark night
and the lantern burned bright
The heat of the summer was ending
and so were you and I

I sat in the shadows 
and you called to me quietly
I didn't want to rise
to reach out to the dying flame

You would make that little click and hum
like a mother reassuring a child
I see you standing there
frozen in my memory, my friend

But the gathering shadows and the call of the road
drawing me back, to another time and place
and there was no choice
weary and beaten, I followed the road

I left behind with you,
part of my heart and soul,
so that no matter where I go,
in my dreams I am with you,
sleeping like a child in my mother's arms

Monday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I finally fell into bed sometime between 10 and 11 this morning.
Then the postman was banging on the front door, so I ignored that and left it to someone else and drifted into sleep.
Daytime sleep is never good or comfortable, and I woke at 1pm feeling dizzy and sick and with my spine screaming.
I recovered, got back to my computer and did some lunch.
Eventually I wandered down to the bay, the beach was crowded, a lot of people playing with balls and bats, and people out in kayaks and on floats.
I sat and drifted.
There are storm clouds on the horizon but it has been warm and sunny.
I am tired and a bit disorientated, so I will watch films.

Monday 10am

Well I am about to go back to bed for a while.

I hoovered the flat and cleaned the floor and washed up and everything else.
Then I went for my swim at 8.30.

The beach was quiet, with some children playing by the wall, I swam at the road end and there was no-one there at all.
The sea was cool and calm, but thunderclouds and rumbles were brewing over the cliffs, and the sea turned choppy in the strong breeze.
I didn't swim too much as I am tired and I could so easily end up in difficulties, but I did my exercizes and enjoyed a swim and a play.
another lady ventured out into the sea further along, the sun was still out but it was cool in the breeze, I came home and have had a bath and now I will put the washing on and go to sleep for a while.

Oh, the diocese and deanery are scrapping again on BBC Jersey.
Someone needs to tell them gently about Jesus and Christianity, and explain to them that dishonesty, money and power aren't everything, and that if they had handled things and not protected an abuser in the first place, then they would not be whining miserably about money now.

Monday 6.30am

Good morning,
Still awake, I have just been doing various domestic and work tasks.
I have to wait until later to hoover or put the washing machine on, so as not to disturb anyone.

I went for a walk, put the rubbish in the skip, posted a letter, had my walk, did some sunrise photography although it wasn't an inspiring sunrise because of the clouds.

I am so tired, I hope to hoover and put the washing on and be back in bed by 9am. Topsy turvy.
Actually a lot of people were awake at 5.20 as I went for my walk, people walking about, doing domestic tasks, walking the dog, and even some teenagers playing football in the park. The world has insomnia.

Stuart Syvret has a new obsessive groupie who has just discovered him and wants the rest of us to know he is hers, she wants to live on an island and marry and ex-senator and tell the rest of his supporters they never looked after him like she can :) hilarious.

Monday 3.50am

Good morning,
Well another troubled night and a 2am start to the day, I will have a sleep later.
In the meantime I am getting a lot of work done.

It is so dark and quiet outside, I miss the streets. The stars were so bringht, but now, pre-dawn, the clouds are a shadow on the dark sky.

I guess sometimes a bit of nocturnal uninterrupted work is a good thing but I do not like the tension of not sleeping at night.

Among other things I am prepping to return to work. I have to re-train but I don't yet know what I want to do or can do.
The jobcentre said I am considered unfit for work, so I made a face at them and told them I wish to return to work part time in supported employment, so they referred me.
I can't go on living hand to mouth forever.
I was talking to a lady at church who's daughter is in exactly the same situation as me.
Not really fit for work but not on enough to live on, and wants to work, as I do.

I am chatting online to others who are up at this hour for various reasons, including the time in the USA being daytime.

Sunday Evening

Good evening,

Well after my swim, I had a bath and headed out, the open air festival was crowded and didn't appeal to me, so I headed back, via the shop for some odds and ends.
I got home, changed and went to the praise service, the service went on for nearly 2 hours and there were hyperactive kids, so I was very drained by the end.
I walked home via the seafront, it has been mainly cloudy today but people have still been enjoying the beach, and although there has been a cool breeze, it is still very hot, and the flat is still too hot.
I need a holiday, away from the heat and noise.

four more weeks to go of grockles and antihistamines! :)

Sunday Lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

Well last night was awful, It took hours to get to sleep, then I was in and out of sleep with violent nightmares and hot and thirsty.

In the end I was asleep and didn't wake until just after 10am!
Well I have missed church so much recently that I decided I would go anyway as I haven't been for weeks! I haven't been to the little church for months! But I have seen them around and been to lunch and coffee with them.

So I put on shorts and a black top and staggered into church looking like a shock.
The service revived me, as did the lovely people at coffee afterwards, and I declined lunch and came home as I was not washed or dressed properly, how norty of me.

Coffee on Tuesdays has stopped for the summer as well, so I have to go on a different social programme, because I am supposed to socialise every week :(
Blah, why do people need socializing?

Anyway I am home, just trying to work out how to fit in a swim, a bath, a celebration service and some photography at the open air festival.

The blog stats have really gone mad, the church blog normally averages 1000 views per week, although that has been increasing recently, it has already gone over 500 today, when the daily average is 100 to 200.

Saturday Evening

Good evening,
I am utterly exhausted and hobbling, and this blog has just hit a record stat 148 views in one day, that is more normal for a low day on the other blog!
This blog normally does 30-60.

I have just got back from the carnival.
It was awesome!

I was thinking of going up the back roads to watch from there, but I just ended up walking down to the front with everyone else.
It was crowded but I was absolutely fine.
The floats were being judged and I walked along them and got as many pictures as I liked, and the youngsters on the floats were nice and obliging, they posed, waved and smiled for me.
I followed the parade through town, and cut a corner and met the parade coming round the other side of the circuit.
I was never crowded or anxious, I got 952 picures!
My legs did suffer though, I am hobbling painfully now.

What an awesome lovely evening, everyone had a great time and the rain held off and a cool breeze made it just right.
Well I think I will sleep well, tomorrow is another busy day.

Saturday Evening

Well, b athed and dressed, I went out to see what was going on, floats being set up and a band playing, and town and the seafront packed with people, it is too hot, and thunderclouds keep looming.
It is an hour and a half until the carnival.
I have to go up the top of town where it wont be too crowded.

In the meantime I need to rest and work, some holiday weekend this is turning out to be! So much to do.

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went and did a flower festival photo shoot.
Then I went and had my swim, the sea was calm, the sky was partly cloudy and the sun was not too hot.
I had a good swim, overdid it as usual.

I am home, in my swimsuit, and I just need to bathe and dress, and go back out to get pre-carnival entertainment pictures before the big event this evening, when I will get loads of pics.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,
Hot and sunny here on the Great Ship Bay.

Well it was late when I got to bed, past midnight, and I was tired,
I slept with the wet pillowcase and teatowel to keep me cool.
I dreamed a lot despite sleeping without any 5HTP.
I dreamed about my family and Bob Hill and so much else.
I woke at just after 9am, lazy weekend hours.

I am sitting here being lazy, but I must go and do a photoshoot of the flower festival and then I will have a swim and then later is the carnival.

I somehow cut the palm of my hand last night, and it stings.

Friday Midnight

Well after logan's run, I decided to go and do a quick shop at the big supermarket with the money that was given to me earlier.
So off I wandered, and I have only just got back.
People shouldn't leave buses around where I can catch them and wander off :)
That was a good wander.
It is still hot.
Tomorrow is carnival and flower festival. Fun and photos.

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well my routines went like clockwork earlier, tidy flat, me down to the sea, high tide, hazy sky, lazy swim, beach not too crowded.
Home, bathed, beach clothes washed and out.

I got the bus, thankfully it is not usually a crowded bus and I had my radio and bottle of squash.
The meeting was agreeable, and afterwards, I went over the road and used my last 2 pounds on some food for supper and some cheese pasties as I hadn't had lunch, it was 3pm and I was hungry.

I ate a pasty as I walked to the bus.
I got the bus and it was quiet. The storm clouds were rolling in, and a streak of lighting crossed the horizon.

the bus was racing the clouds, and I hoped it would win as my beach clothes were still on the line.
We won, I got home, swooped the clothes in before the rain, and then a friend called round to leave me some very useful money to tide me over.
Then I headed out to try and get pictures of lighting over the sea.

A lot of people were on the roads, coming back from the beach and the kiddies carnival.

I sat on the sea wall and waited for pictures, but the storm moved out to sea with no lightning.
The sea was choppy and deep green.

I am now watching my childhood favourite 'Logan's run'.

In Logan's run 'Cathedral' is a place for violent delinquents, haha.

But the whole dome is like Jersey will be in 20 years.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Last night I went for my walk but I went dizzy and sweaty as if I was going to faint halfway round.
Too hot, I guess.

Well last night I watched Herbie and then I fell asleep, I dreamed but I cannot remember what.

I woke this morning a bit late and too hot.

I am dozing, I do not know why I go into a dozing/trance state after I wake, but I do.

Another hot day and another meeting this afternoon,
at least meetings in the afternoons mean I can recover by then.

the stalkerstat has been going bonkers on the church blog.

Funny about the blogs, yesterday the stats ran high before I was even awake, today the blogs are sluggish.

I am all tidy and about to have a swim before I go to my meeting.

Thursday Afternoon

Well the day has gone the same as yesterday, had a swim and a sunburn, beach crowded, tide in, sea a bit choppy.
It is hot.
I had my bath, and eventually, very recently remembered to eat something.

I have been offered a bike for £10, but I have to wait until next thursday as I now have less than £5 left.
Next Thursday I will have the grand sum of £24 at my disposal, so if anyone thinks I am living the life of Riley, that is reality.
And Riley isn't a real person.

Thursday Evening:

Well I have ended up watching movies, I watched the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, because the older people in church go on about it, but it was too complex and about human relationships for me, so I watched short circuit 2, which I love and which is more on my level.

Now an evening walk to the beach I guess.

Another very hot day, I am sitting in my underwear with a wet pillowcase over my shoulders, and my feet in a bowl of water :)

Thursday Morning

Good morning,
Awake, still blurry and groggy.
I slept eventually and slept through and woke at about 8am.

I dreamed, I dreamed I was at Bob Hill's house, and the grandchildren of some people from church were at his house as if they were part of the family, the children made a fuss of me but Bob and his wife ignored me, until I walked out of the house, and then Bob said 'Was that ******?'

Which is funny because in real life he blankly refused to use my real name, and kept making out it  was not my legal name, when it is, he caused some confusion by doing this at times in conversation with people who only knew my legal name, he made me look like an idiot sometimes.

Anyway, at the end of the dream, I was sitting in the field by his house, playing with a spider web.

Well, the channel islands have had another earthquake, maybe the cult churches has better realise it is a sign from God, and they are going to a watery grave for their iniquities! :) haha.

I have no lunch club today as it is on a summer break. It is so hot in that hall anyway.

Wednesday evening

Good evening,

Well I had my bath, put the washing on, out and back in dry within a few hours, I also tidied the flat, and there has been such a lot going on online, I have been really busy and there is still such a lot to do, but it is too hot to work hard.
The flat is clean, I have eaten and I have been for a peaceful walk along the bay in the dusk with my radio.

I am tired and it is fearfully hot, so I will pop into bed and try to sleep :(

Wednesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

I had my swim and a breif sunbathe, I am no longer allergic to the sun in the way I used to be, but I think that when I was younger, playing, gardening or doing sports in the sun with no antihistamines may be why I used to get so sick. I still have to be careful, and I still take asperin as well.

Anyway, I had a swim, the sea was warm and slightly choppy, half-tide, lots of people in the sea and on the beach.

I am now sitting here in my swimsuit, considering popping into the bath for a soap and splash, then the washing will go on, and the flat will have a tidy. And then it is workshop until the end of the day.

Oh, I have only absentmindedly eaten a pack of dry crackers today, I had better go to the shop once I am washed and dressed!

Daily link

I decided daily links should go on this blog and give the other blog room for bigger posts.

http://freespeechoffshore.nl/stuartsyvretblog/jersey-and-its-child-protection-failures/

http://aangirfan.blogspot.co.uk/2009/10/syvret-warcup-grange-child-abuse.html

Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I had the usual trouble getting to sleep, but I did, I slept with my wet pillowcase, which is now draped round my shoulders.

I woke relaxed and not in any real pain after yesterday, just the usual grogginess, blurred vision and not wanting to face the world, or even the sunlight, and I still feel liike that.

I have chekced as usual to see if this is the day the church destroy me. And I have written my waking thoughts on the other blog. Often I wake in flashbacks, which is worse indoors but not today.
I am going to have a quiet day, I think.

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,

I am bathed and tired.

I keep trying to write my feelings in poetry, but my feelings now are best expressed in this poem already published on the other blogs:

Child:

The stars are shining
as she peacefully sleeps
like a child in her mother's arms
home, safe nurtured, unaware of the horrors to come

wrapped in blankets on the ground
out under the starry sky
the safest place on earth
close to you, like a child in her mother's arms

lying on the ground, breathing the cold night air
and looking at the shimmering diamond sky
happy, safe, loved, peaceful
as she sleeps in your arms 

alone on the ground, wrapped in blankets
and wrapped safe in your love and acceptance
in the silent night the small creatures run and the owl hoots
but she sleeps like a child in your arms, safe, peaceful, happy

the dawn comes and she wakes,
peaceful in the cold early dawn
to light the stove, wash, stash the blankets
and wait another day to sleep, safe under your loving care

oh if only she could go back, be a child in your arms again
those dark nights of safety and love
sleeping safe in your arms forever in an endless love and care, 
it's true in every way, she found paradise there

Tuesday Evening

Good evening,
I wasn't looking forward to today as I had to go to a meeting.
Imagine a very hot summer's day, everyone in beach clothes and on the beach, me dressed in hot smarter clothes going on a hot bus to a hot town for a hot meeting.
Well.

I came back from coffee with a load of ice cream that I was given, someone had offered me a lift to town but I wasn't ready and they had to be in town for 12, whereas, I had to prepare and be in town for 3.
I left more than an hour to get there but the bus was running late and very slow, a new driver, I think, and I only just  got there in time.

When I got there, people were a bit confused about my appointment, a bit of a communication error, but we sorted it, and it wasn't scary or challenging. It was also brief enough for me to get the quick bus just before rush hour.
The bus was crowded, but I was ok with my radio and my bottle of apple squash and I arrived home peacefully about 20 minutes ago.

Off with the hot clothes, and I have had some chicken and bread and lots of cold drinks, now I am into my beach clothes and into the sea.

6.50pm.
Home from the beach, had a good swim and sunbathe, my upper spine is seriously complaining about the whole day.
I need to get out of my swimsuit and into a tepid bath.

The problem with today and meetings later in the week is that I have had to get a 7 day bus pass, and I am left with about £10 for food and anything else for just over a week. Thin time!

Tuesday 5am

Good morning,

I was having flashbacks and bad memories last night when I went to bed, the diocese and their police.

I am awake at 5am, feeling no better.

The sun is thinking about rising, but what is the point in a sunrise?

6am. Well I pulled out of the groggy state and walked down to the shore with my cup of tea. I was surprised but not too surprised that other people were out and about.
I did a sunrise photography session.
I am more worried than ever about my friends, my friend texted me yesterday, she has had another seizure. I feel so helpless and so far away.

I seem to have lost my stalkerstats, if you have seen them, one from Hampshire, the other from Essex, please return them.

11.30am.
Well after waking early, I ended up asleep again between 8and 9am. The problem is, my body and brain like their routine and their set amount of sleep, which is a lot.
I dreamed an interesting dream, I was at the General synod, and it was being held at a place with a very nice pool, with pillars.
There were men and women waiting to be consecrated as Bishops, they were sitting on a bench, wearing an array of coloured shirts with dog collars. But although I had heard that Bishops were to be consecrated, I hadn't realised that these were the candidates, until, the Dean of Jersey came along, he muttered hello to me, and I realised it was him when he did, and he rounded up these Bishops-in-waiting and took them somewhere the other side of the pool to be consecrated.
I wanted a picture of the event so I was climbing a pillar with my camera and accidentally disturbed the Jersey dignitaries in doing so, and fell about laughing helplessly.

I woke from that funny dream and realised. Women Bishops are the ideal way of the Church dealing with it's shortage of Bishops. Bishops are hard to find these days :) Hence Tim Dakin.

Monday Evening

Good evening,

Well I have done all the necessary evils that prove me capable of looking after myself.

Had a bath, eventually, washed my hair, did the washing up, did the laundry and hung it out, put the rubbish out, went to the shop, went for a walk.
Walking is hard and exhausting, even round the block.

I found the sound track to 'Broken' and although it is fairly meaningless, I am touched by that film and the song in the background as I work is quite soothing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XCZlQlgNR68

I am very tired but am afraid that if I go to bed now, I will lie awake and then get up and the night will be disrupted, or I will fall asleep and wake again in a few hours, so I will go on working. I do have a lot to do.

Monday Morning and afternoon

Good morning,
It is nearly noon, and I am in my swimsuit, ready for a swim.

Last night I suddenly started feeling better.
And it wasn't too hot to sleep, I had my wet tea towel but I turned the fan off and slept.
I dreamed but I don't remember what I dreamed.
I woke relaxed and in no pain, but it has still taken until now to really face the world.
I am fed, medded, washed and ready for a swim.

I am still very much in a poetry mood, but I will inflict that on you later.

Well, for some reason this post didn't publish earlier, so I will add to it since earlier and publish it.

I had my swim, the sea was cool and calm and a lot of people were enjoying the water.

The lifeguard had to come down to our beach and swim out because a young teen had got carried away by the sea in their inflatable, the teen was a tad embarrassed and the lifeguard was a bit red in the face from swimming out and towing them in, he was the one who I reported the jellyfish to.

Coming out of the water, the heat in the air really hit me, it is very hot.

I am very grateful that since yesterday evening, someone from Jersey has been talking to me, I was so low yesterday, I really desparately needed someone to talk to, and someone from Jersey kindly stepped in, and it is much appreciated.

I have been watching a film called 'Broken'. It is a heart wrenching film about real life, life in the kind of places I grew up in, and it is about an 11 year old girl growing up in this kind of place, it really got to me, I took the risk of flashback triggeres but I am ok. But wow, what a film.

The end part especially got to me, because reality is, I am too wounded and broken, I do long for the day that Jesus quietly whispers that I can go, that I can return home and rest at sanctuary, the young girl in the film was so like me, and she saw and was hurt by things like the things that have hurt me, and in the end, she had to choose, to go on living, as I did when I was 12, or leave the tragedy of real life behind.

I wish I could send a copy to the Diocese's soulless psychopathically conscienceless safeguarding officer, Jane Fisher, and say to her, 'This is what creates people like me, this is how a person is driven mad, this is what madness is! I survived my childhood only for you to destroy me!'
But she would turn away and make the usual glib excuses and say it was all me.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

I am not very well, so if there is a gap in the blogs, it is because of that, if I am ok tomorrow I will do some work on the other blog, it may be offline briefly, if I am ill, I will stay in bed.

I had a nose round the chattery shops today and got a pillow wedge to support my neck, hope it works.

It is too hot and remaining that way, I really wish I was sleeping rough.

It's one shock after another, my friend's husband has had a suspected minor stroke.

I wish the world would stabilize, it is pretty unbearable like this.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

Well I nearly made it to church today.
I woke feeling relaxed, after sleeping a good night, but I was in pain, so breakfast was the usual cocktail of meds, which I nearly threw up, of course.

Then the day started with a bang on the internet.
Some people just don't know when to get lost.

I'm not going psychadelic here but lets do some of what we used to call 'un-poetry' on the old Homeless blog.

I never knew you
and you never knew me

there were no feelings
no emotions

we weren't friends
I knew nothing about you
and likewise

It's time for you to go
time for me to go

lets break an unhappy and useless bond
and go our separate ways

The problem with letting go of you is
that before you were there I was free
I loved and was loved
I was happy on the streets

letting go of you reminds me
of the love and joy I have lost 
back then, when this nightmare started
and you came alone

I want to go back to the cold
the starlight night 
sleeping like a child in my mother's arms
and the love of my life

you going reminds me of what I left
and I want to go back
to a time and place and person
that has gone forever
and I grieve.

Saturday night

Good evening,

Well today has been a mixed bag.
I woke up tired and really needed to sleep when I woke, which happens.
Nonetheless, I was in my daychair as usual.

The weather was muggy and cloudy, with rumbles, and the cloud was doing funny things to my view of the hill from the window.

So discouraged I felt, that I didn't wash this morning. I did dress.
But it was a long time before I did anything.

And when I did, it was the shopping.
The supermarket was a bit crowded, as they are on weekends, and the weather alternated hot sun and thick cloud.

I did a big shop, more expensive because of printer ink and discouraging because I know I will have run out of food before I get my next lot of money, ie, I will have a thin time.
I have become good at shopping since coming off the streets, just as I have become good at housekeeping, but nonetheless, I still have a week or so per month when I cannot balance money and food, just due to how my payments run.

Anyway, I came home, sat down to rest and read the local paper, and I got a shock.
My old landlord from up at the lodging house, the one who used to get the rent, grin and vanish, he has been charged with several historic sex offences.
I am really shocked, you know how you read something in the paper and realise you know the person?

Anyway, so I put the groceries away, the flat was a tip and I was hot, tired and in pain.
I had a project to do, so I got on with that, actually sitting at the table.

Eventually, I gave the flat a quick tidy, and took the rubbish down to the skip, I was wearing my aqua shoes, and although it was getting dark, I went to walk in the tide as I had not been down to the beach today.

I was surprised, I was not the only person down there, there was a paddleboarder and actually some young children with their parents despite it being almost dark.
The sea was warm, I walked a while in the tide, but I was tired and in pain, so I came home.

I was surprised to find something on my doorstep, a tub of brownies with a note from my next door neighbour, saying she had been baking and couldn't eat them all :)
Lovely, but kindness makes me anxious. The way Jane Fisher villified me and upheld the deanery doing the same in defence of their wrongs, remains with me and I feel unworthy of kindness.
Anyway, I will have fresh brownies with milk tomorrow.

I now understand why the Dean of Jersey, who with his church, are against women, was suddenly gushing about women Bishops, it is another church of england PR stunt, all the dioceses are doing it, making it to be joyful, to make themselves look good. Well good luck to them, most of us really don't care.

It is still quite humid but not intolerable, I have had a tepid wash in the bath, with lots of nice scented shower gel and I will sleep with my wet tea towel round me tonight and the fan going.

I wish there was a way to get well, because it takes me most of the day to get any energy.
I am absolutely sure that if I was sleeping rough I would not be so ill, and it was noticable, sleeping rough I felt much better, and if I slept over at friends houses I would get sick, nonetheless, I will persevere and see if one day we can really pinpoint why, if it is the heat of indoors, if it is the effect of sleeping on a matress when my spine is not too good, or what it is.

I realised I didn't eat a meal today, so I am doing a quick warm up of some pasta otherwise I might get hungry in the night, and if you can't wake properly and you are hungry then that ruins your sleep.

Saturday Morning

Good morning,

Last night I went for a late walk, lots of people were out getting drunk, I wanted to get pictures of lightning over the sea, but I didn't, the tide was out and the wet sand reflected all the lights on the bay, there were ships at anchor in the bay, and the cardinals flashing in symphony, but no lightning.

Well I followed all the keeping cool instructions last night, wet teatowel, mist spray, fan by the bed, windows open, etc, I slept and I woke in the early hours and turned the fan off and took my ear plugs out.
And slept again, missed any thunderstorms.

I dreamed a lot. Dearmed I was in Jersey, bewildered and sad, back in Jersey, lost, thinking that seeing St. Ouens or St. Aubins would cheer me up, but nothing did, I did not want to be in Jersey, I wanted to be home.
Then I dreamed of police and cruelty and cells and shame and panic and violence.

I was relieved to wake, but these dreams impact on my waking life, so I am sitting here in my chair feeling awful. The weather is grey and wet, and I don't want to do anything.

Friday Evening - BBQ

Good evening,

Well it was one of those days where I was slightly ill until midday, I had a bath at midday, and for some reason that seems to help sometimes.

However, it was nearly 3pm before I left the flat and staggered to sit on the sea wall, not planning to swim as I didn't think I had the energy.

But the sea in the sun looked too inviting, and lots of people were in the water, so I went home, got the washing out of the machine, including my beach clothes and swimsuit, and dressed for the beach, in wet clothes, I could because it is so hot and the beach is so close.
The waves were slightly choppy slow coasters, so I had a good swim and a short sunbathe before staggering home, I never swim for long but I always overdo it and always ache and stagger.

Home, the beach clothes and swim suit went straight back in the wash with the linens, I am not fussy about mixing laundry.
Now the remainder of the laundry is drying before the storms start again tonight, and I am writing this through a haze of BBQ smoke and enjoying a jolly good picnic supper in the garden.
The clouds are beginning to gather but there is a bit of time yet.
The neighbour and her dog came to check this out, and the dog was keen to join the BBQ, but she didn't let him.
The ants are swarming today, what a day to choose for a BBQ!

I am doing a bit of work to do with publishing my homeless story, but I doubt it will ever be done as the church will kill me first.

I want to enjoy tonight's thunderstorms, I missed such a cracker of a storm last night because I couldn't wake properly, but even in my half-awke state I knew it was awesome.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Last night I watched 'Bunny and the Bull' which I should not watch as it is psychadelic and disturbing.

I wrapped the wet tea-towel round me to sleep, and I slept, was woken by the most massive thunderstorm in the early hours but was too tired to wake properly and appreciate it! How unfair! It was massive!

I woke this morning and got up and drank tea and got dressed a bit, but I am too tired, so I am propped up in bed.
I woke from a church of england nightmare.

I wish all the marchers in London a good day today, sorry I can't be there.

My muscles are so tight from walking in shoes all that way yesterday, I am hobbling.

Thursday Evening

Life after the diocese has not had a gap in stats for quite a while, then this evening it has a gap, thats where there are no viewer hits in the 'now' window.

Anyway,
This morning I went to get my beach clothes off the line, and the ladies in the garden were leading me astray by talking about toyboys, but I was given fresh and delicious tomatos from the greenhouse.

I walked to the bus stop in my beach clothes and aqua shoes, which are not so good for walking.

I got the bus to the lunch club as I was too tired to walk.

We had a good lunch, fish and chips, and lemon pie. I thought I was doing ok on the quiz, but I only got 22 out of 30.

Then I struggled down the cliff and into the sea for a swim, a hot busy day along the coast, lots of people enjoying a swim, but I had plenty of room.

Then I came home, did some idle work, very tired and wanting to sleep, but I knew if I slept early I would have a bad night.

Eventually I hung the beach things to dry, went for my evening walk, got a few things at the shop, and had my bath and supper.

I am so tense at the moment, between fear of the church and their attacks, and fear of their associated attack through Jersey's sham safeguarding board, eventually something will give and I will be dead.

I keep thinking of new projects and how good life could be if I wasn't living in fear, but if I start a project, another attack by either Jersey or winchester will wreck that project, so I remain living in fear and branded and waiting to be destroyed again and finally.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night as I prepared for today, Jersey's sham safeguarding board attacked again, and movies and preparation ended up lost as I dealt with them.

I went to bed sick and tired, with the wet tea-towel over me.

I slept well, dreamed a lot and woke early. But felt very sick and upset.

I got up, put the rent through and went to the shop, the shop gave me the wrong top up voucher and I hate being out when I am ill in the mornings as it doesn't feel safe to be out when I am not in full control of my body.
Anyway, the shop sorted the voucher out after I had failed to be able to top the phone up.
Then, frustrated and struggling, I had to phone and cancel my meeting.
They were nice and they re-scheduled.

I had got the ingredients for peanut butter on toast, so I had breakfast and felt better, did some work, and am now going to wash, put my beach clothes on and go to lunch club and swim afterwards if I feel well enough, then I will have a bath and do movies and relaxing and maybe the long-forgotten BBQ.

It is roasting hot here.

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

Stalkerstat is slavering for an update, checking in every few hours.
I have been busy.

Well last night I got to bed earlier and it wasn't as warm as the previous nights, so I wrapped the wet teatowel round me and settled to sleep.
I slept, and woke in the early hours from vivid dreams, I was not feeling good and I thought it was the start of a major pain episode, but I lay there and hoped to sleep again and I did.

I woke this morning, relaxed, no pain, early, my neightbour was just going to work, the dustmen were rattling about, and I was too hot, so I got up, scooted through my routine, and got online. Plenty going on, and the blog running good stats.

I had my swim early, the tide was out and the sea was choppy, not ideal. When the waves are slow coasters, you can swim or jump them, but when the water is choppy, you get sea water in your ears and eyes and nose.
Still, my swimming is improving, and it tires me, so hopefully each swim helps each night's sleep.

I had my breakfast when I came home hungry! :)
And then had a bath.

warm and sunny here, with a breeze.

I had to pop to town and do something, buses hot even with air con and windows open.
I had a late lunch and enough appetite, and I have to go back to town tomorrow.

There is so much I could do now if only the ever serious threat of the Great Grim church wasn''t hanging over me.

I could write a book called Ettiquete for Grockles,
Sample:

Dear Grockles, while in the summer months you are forced to live in our humble world, here are some things to make life better for you and us:

• Don't pull the limpets and other sea creatures off the piers and walls, these are living creatures and you kill them when you needlessly pull them off.
• Don't litter the beach and front, the litter faries only work part time.
• Don't think you can barge us out the way, we have as much right as you in any que or on any bus or in any amenity or shop, more so, because we live here.
• Don't be rude.
• Don't tell us you pay our taxes, you do not, you are just rude and being rich does not make you better than us. Don't speak to use slowly, our speaking of the English is good.
• Please don't try to talk like a guide book and make out you know everything when you have never been here, it is boring, we are human, you are human, we presume,so talk to us properly and no, you do not know everything about the place.
• Just be nice, and be considerate of us because we are not on holiday, we are trying to live, get to the doctor's, get our shopping etc, it would be most helpful if you drive at more than 5 miles an hour up the coast road, especially when others are trying to get to work.
• Oh, and don't park on our drive, and if you are going park without a permit on our road, then don't make a lot of noise as you unload to go to the beach or come back.

Not that I am irritated or anything...

well actually, yes I am.

Anyway, I am suitably tired and resting.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon peeps,

Well yesterday night I couldn't sleep, mainly my neck and shoulder and partly the heat.
I had to keep trying, I doused a tea-towel in cold water and wrapped it round me, I took painkillers, I did everything I could, it was 2am before I slept, which was no good as I had to be up to go out.

I dragged myself out of bed this morning, drank tea with sugar, washed myself, dressed and struggled up to the surgery, for a pretty awful consultation, but nonetheless, I got meds, I already feel a bit better and I will go to see another doctor soon.
You meet half the town up there, and for me, I have to remember where I know people from! :) This morning I wasn't sure if I should say 'See you at coffee' or 'see you at the lunch' to the lady who stopped to say hello.

On the way home, I stopped off at my coffee and chat, and it was quiet because some people were on an outing, I had a cuppa and talked a bit.

I got home, the lesser-spotted landlady knocked on the door to tell me the plumber was on his way, landlady came in and said that the flat looked lovely, well, yes it does :)
I asked her if I could do a little BBQ in the garden and she said yes, and we talked about the dog one of the tenants owns and how he might like a BBQ too if he got out.
The lesser spotted landlady had found a key to the hall window, and she came up with the marvellous suggestion of me leaving my door open to let air in. As only one other person shares my landing, I can do that some of the time, although it is not very private, eg, I am in my swimsuit now so I have closed the door, but I have had the door open and let air in, because both landlady and plumber said my flat was like an oven.

The plumber came and I told him I had switched the tap off at the stopcock because the washer in the tap has gone, he seemed suitably impressed by this knowledge, and replaced the washer very quickly, and I told him it wasn't me, I had inherited this drippy tap, and was not the one who broke it.

So, all of a sudden, the kitchen has hot water again, and I celebrated by washing up.

I had done chicken and rice for lunch, and I added butter and peanuts to that, so I still wasn't hungry but I ate. I felt sick last night and this morning, which is unusual, but what matters is eating enough to survive on.

The Jersey petition hit the target at this point.

Anyway, I went to drop off a letter, and on the way back, had my swim, sunbathed on  the road end wall, a friend went past and she said to me 'come and see me', she is nice to go and see, because her house is full of delicious food.

I got home and amused various assorted people who were in the garden, because I was all sandy and my aqua shoes were squelching. I rinsed them, put them out to dry and now I am back in here and I must change out of my swimsuit and put it in the rinse with the teeshirt and shorts.

Monday Night

Good evening,
I should be asleep.

I have been busy.

I swam briefly this morning, I didn't have energy but then, I hadn't eaten.
I had a bath when I got home, and put the washing on.
I forgot it wasn;t coffee day, shows how muddled I get in the morning.

I couldn't eat until this afternoon, just didn't feel like it, ate at about 3, to prevent collapsing.
got a burger from the beach cafe on the way back from the post office.

I have been doing a lot online, but as you will see on the other blog, I am too tired.

Lady Butler-Sloss resigned the inquiry, so there was lots to do on that.

Still, I went to the big supermarket and did a little shop, got some stuff to encourage me to eat, and had some hot chicken and bread for tea, cos I like that.

I hung the washing out this evening and kept an eye on the dark clouds rolling in, and got the washing in before the rain started.

The flat is warm, and my pyjamas were nice and damp from the line, so that has helped me to cool down.

Now, bed time, busy day tomorrow.

Monday Morning

Good morning,

Well I had a rough night and didn't get up early as planned.
Nonetheless, I will endeavour to get a lot done today anyway.
I am in pain but tomorrow I will get an examination and hopefully a referral for scans.

I am going to go and have my coffee and chat and then I will swim, then I will go into town.
I will go to coffee with my swimsuit under my shorts and teeshirt, don't tell anyone! :)

Last or this morning, in my sleep, I dreamed I was out scuba diving, only most of the time the dream was about struggling to get the correct equipment to dive, and there was this gruff man there all the time.
I also had wierd brief dream about JM, my former friend, vouching for my character.

Sunday Night

Good evening,

The weather is very humid, I staggered round the block and got some reduced pizza and mint imperials from the shop.
I am so tired and can hardly walk, at least I enjoyed my supper.
 Normally  the weekend is low blog stats, but this weekend, yesterday did really well and today the church blog has shot over 300 without stopping and with 2 hours and 10 minutes to midnight, it could keep going.

I have done some basic tidying and the flat isn't too bad, but I am very tired, but again it may be too hot to sleep well.
I will try sleeping soon, I hope to be up early and force a change in routine to try and get me out of this sickness.
Life is no fun like this.

Sunday Evening

Good afternoon,
Please excuse the lack of blog, I have been a bit preoccupied.

Last night was so hot, I had to wash myself with cold flannel, and slept with cold flannel on my head, woke wondering what was under my neck, a flannel! :)
It was hard to get to sleep, but I slept dreamless and woke this morning, it takes so long for my spine to recover and so much was going on online, so I didn't get to church.
The spine and other problems means church is best in the evenings at the moment.

I managed to write my article on the church blog, and watched the stats on the church blog shoot through 41,000 without stopping.

It took until after 2pm to get washed and dressed, and then I walked down to the road end beach and sat on the wall, the tide was in and kids were playing in the waves, it was too busy up by the stone wall and town beach, but on the road end wall it was lovely in the sun and cloud, beautiful light on the water, I got some pictures and drifted, lulled by the waves and the quality live music from the beach cafe.

Eventually I walked down to town and got food, I got a ready roast meal and some ice cream, I have heated and eaten the ready meal and am going to eat the ice cream.

Not really supposed to have lunch at 4pm, but that is how life is at the moment.

I am getting correspondence from Bishops and Kings, how interesting! :)

Saturday Evening

Good evening,
Well I hung the beach things out and went for a short walk, which is all I can do because my back has deteriorated, I can feel it all the time now, the lesser spotted landlady noticed too. But I will be seeing someone about it.
I got food on the way home, I never feel like eating but I must, really I need to do a proper shop, not keep getting odds and ends at the corner shop.

The weather has gone from very hot to humid with cloud, thunderstorms due.

I have been discussing the 80s and 90s online a lot, but when I think of actually doing a post about it, I feel sick, remembering is like remembering Jersey, and my memory is fragmented and vague, with a few clear parts, and I have a feeling that the Great Grim Church would try to use it against me to make me out to be delusional, as they do, to excuse their own serious misconduct.
Nonetheless, the Great Grim Church do not intimidate me out of anything any more, they have no power, no righteousness nor God nor Good behind their motives, they are all politics, power and cover ups, and so eventually I will write about what i know or remember.

Saturday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well yesterday evening I walked down to the bay again, the sea was mirror calm against steel grey clouds, so I got some pictures.
There was an open air concert in the park, and the band were quite good, so I wandered down there, enjoyed the atmosphere and music, there were hot dog and candyfloss stalls and things, and people with light sticks and things.
It wasn't too crowded but I dont think Friday night is the best time, as everyone is in the pubs.

I came home, with some food from the shop, and then there was a fireworks display, and I got pictures from my window.

I slept reasonably well, although it was hot.
Woke this morning, back into the campaign, and awaiting news of the rally in Jersey.

The pictures of the rally are just coming in from various places, well done Jersey!

I have been down to the beach for my swim, it is roasting hot out there and the tide was right in, so I swam from the road end beach as the stone wall area was very busy.

I sat on the beach for a short while and played sandcastles.
My shorts and teeshirt are soaking, but I am still in my swimsuit! :( I forget to sort myself out. I will have a bath soon and soak the swimsuit, all ready for tomorrow.

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Well I think I have forgotten to write anything today, yesterday the stats on this blog were so high!

Last night was too hot, and I had a troubled night, and woke later than I hoped.

This morning started with a bang, and it was all letter writing.

Today has been all writing,  I had a short stagger to the bay and sat on the wall.
Then finally got some food, I am just not hungry.
It has been a grey dull day with a bit of rain.

I am tired and lost.
I wish I could be alive again, I miss the streets and I wish that the diocese had never re-launched their attack on me, I want to go back to being free, being a rough sleeper, being me, being alive instead of sliding into comatose state.

My stalkerstat is hiding, only coming up on one feed not the other, deliberate? or just internet? Keep seeing stalky on one stat but not the other, you gone shy, stalky?

Oh, and the Channel Islands got hit by an earthquake, imagine how vulnerable they are if that happens again, if the nuclear planton the French coast went up as a result?

Thursday Night

Good evening,

Well, bathed and hairwashed, I sat down to write, and time passed.
I forgot about supper, I have had no appetite recently and have hardly eaten much today.
By 10pm I realised I must do a few things, put the rubbish out, hang the beach clothes out to dry, have a walk and get something appetizing to eat from the shop.
So I did all that.

It is a warm clear night, with the moon shining over the sea, the tide was in and foaming on the wall, I walked and looked at the sea, and then I was so tired, I came home to do a very late supper so I will not be awake hungry, and I am going to bed soon.

I thought the church blog was having a down day, but no, the stats are ok, and the stats on this blog are still surprisingly high.
A visitor from Hampshire is having a field day with the church blog, yeeks.

Thursday Afternoon - Jellyfish!

I went down for my swim.
I had a good swim.

As I came out, I noticed somthing strange in the surf, it looked like a plastic bag, and as I looked closer, I realised it was a sea creature, it looked dead-ish.
It was very big and I couldn't tell if it was a jellyfish or an octopus.
I guessed a type of jellyfish, I went to find the sea hut man to ask what to do,
trying to run up hot sand hills is interesting.

The beach hut man told me to tell the lifeguards, and so I went to the lifeguard hut, and they politely listened and I wondered if they took me seriously.
But they did, because a lifeguard scooted down to the stone wall with a tub.
She looked at this massive creature and radioed for help.
Another lifeguard came down with a bucket and two sticks, but they could not get the creature out of the surf and into the bucket, they had to get a shovel, and they had to chop the creature up to fit it in the bucket and tub.
It was a barrel jellyfish, and the Bristish Isles are having a bit of an invasion of these creatures at the moment.
They are huge and I don't want to meet one when I am swimming.
I always wear aqua shoes but the rest of me is a bit vulnerable.



I am home, and I will have a bath soon.

Thursday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I went out eventually, the rare lesser spotted landlady was sitting in the garden, so I ended up sitting and chatting to her, then I wandered down to the sea and up to get the referral for my back started.
Then I had a pot of tea at the poolside, wandered round the chattery shops in town, and then went to the next town to the bank, and some more chattery shops.
I didn't buy anything in the chattery shops.
I went in poundland and got a disposable BBQ and some sossijes, I will have a BBQ, just got to decide if in the garden or on the beach.

I will go and have a swim soon, I am very tired but it is a scorching day.
I hate trying to live normal life while waiting to be further destroyed, it is intolerable.

Thursday Morning

Good morning,

The stalkerstat is slavering for an update, so I will oblige.

I slept well again.
Had funny dreams, including dreaming I had to go to Wolvsley to meet the Bishop, and his wife was ever so nice and genuine and she got my name right and told me she had baked a cake, she showed me the cake, which was a bit awesome.
Ah, they make those Bishop's wives in a factory, she looks so like Lou Scott-Joynt, they make them in the three wise monkeys factory.

Anyway, I woke up this morning feeling comfy and relaxed and a bit too hot,
Got up, and the uproar about Butler-Sloss continues.
Well, she's an apologist for the church of england as well as being conflicted in the CSA inquiry, she is so like Dame Steel in her 'I don't care what the survivors think, I am in this case for one reason, to exonorate the wrongdoers at the survivors' expense'.

Wednesday Evening

Good evening,

I am exhausted, are you?

This afternoon I sat on the sea wall, and came home, I get so bored here but so tired when I go out, I struggle to walk.
I realised as I sat on the sea wall that I need to get this tumour checked because benign or not, I am sure it is pressing on nerves and affecting my walking. So I will.

So I came home and was bored and waiting for the diocese or deanery to harm me further, as I do every day.
Eventually I went out for a long bus ride, enjoyed the sunset, and have just got home exhausted,

Wednesday lunctime

Good lunchtime,

Well I had another very good night's sleep and woke up feeling a bit lazy and comfy, a bit like in the good old days on the streets, oh how I miss it!

Anyway, I have wandered slowly through the morning.
I got the rubbish out as the bin men were late, I just put it in the skip otherwise :)

The flat is tidy and I am fed and washed, just trying to get the courage to venture out, because I get scared, especially since the increased diocesan harm to me.

I must put the washing out, it has been sitting in the machine since yesterday because I was too tired.
I will not swim or walk in the tide today as I am still tired, I will walk down to the shore.

It is a cloudy but dry day.

Tuesday Night

Good evening,

Well I have been watching the last of Buffy season 7, to the grand finale.
And the flat is very tidy.

It has been raining but I put the washing on as I knew the rain would stop tonight. Pity I am too tired to hang it out.

The rare lesser spotted landlady was round because another resident needs plumbing work done, and she asked if I needed any plumbing done, and actually I have a leaky tap that I turned off at the stopcock so that will be repaired.

The landlady and the other resident asked what I had seen of the other night's incident, and I told them, and got some 'ohhs' about how it disrupted me.
Funny how everyone is asking about it today, when it is fading from my mind.

I walked down to the bay and sat on the wall, then I caught a bus and had a bus ride through the Great Hills, I got a scented candle in town and came home the long way, and was sick of the smell of the candle by the time I got back.
The bus got stuck because someone had parked their van on the yellow lines on the corner and so I walked 10 minutes home through the quiet back streets.

I am home, too tired to think, and so I will go to bed.

Tuesday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well seeing as I was up early. I took a bath and washed my hair in coal tar shampoo, oh my scalp is feeling much happier! :)
Anyway, so I headed for an early morning shopping expedition.
The sea was mirror calm and the sky cloudy.

I went to the supermarket and got groceries, and fan!
The box for the fan said 'Easy assembly' but I would have preferred it to say 'A clutz could assemble this', because it is so variable with these things.

I got home, successfully assembled the fan, put it on, and went to have coffee and chats with the verious folk.

I went to look at an art gallery cafe on the way back, but it reminded me of the gallery and I felt sad and I feel unable to join anything new while the diocese are hanging round my neck.
At coffee, everyone was making a fuss about what happened outside my home at the weekend. But for me, that is fading away.

I am here, sitting, feeling useless.
The problem with indoors is that it has taken my life away, my life was survival, and without that and with the diocese ever a danger and also knowing where I am, I feel completely invalidated and I am having flashbacks to the horrors of what Jane Fisher and her police did to me.

Tuesday Morning

Good morning,

Well how interesting, the hypersomnia phase may have ended,
I don't see how, but I wonder if it is connected to the othapedic pillow,
I was so uncomfortable trying to sleep, that I removed the orthapedic pillow last night and used the pillow.
I woke at 6am from horrific nightmares and apart from a vague ache in my neck, no side effects.

It takes time for the effect of nightmares to wear off, and if I was sleeping rough it would be easier to deal with.

It is a dull cloudy morning, and although I am tired from yesterday, I am a lot better so far.

Monday Evening

Good evening,

Well I am sitting in my day chair and watching movies.

I rested earlier, and as it always does, my energy increased a bit this evening, I went for a short walk, but I was yawning and stumbling, I am not sure I should go out when I am like that.
This particular illness seems to be allergy related when it strikes, so I have taken antihitamines and airwaves gum, to try and help with shortness of breath. I do feel a bit better.

Bed time soon,  and I will go and have coffee and a natter tomorrow if I am well enough.

Monday Afternoon

Well I am back in bed.

I woke up this morning needing to go back to bed,
I never got my energy today at all.

By 3 pm, I walked down to walk in the tide, but I just staggered back to the wet sand on the shore and collapsed, came home and here I am, lying in bed, propped with pillows.
They could have just left a space and not had today at all.
I am no good for anything today, I am simply exhausted.

Monday Morning

Good morning,
I forgot to update the blog last night.
I was very tired though.

I slept almost dreamless, apart from vaguely fighting with Jersey and the church in vague dreams, and for some reason Winchester Train Station was in those dreams as well as St. Aubins Bay.

Anyway, yesterday lunchtime I heated up some chicken and rice, then had a bath and then went for a walk in the tide, I wasn't swimming yesterday, I felt wrecked, probably the day out, the travelling and of course the disrupted previous night.

In the afternoon I sat here and did some work.

Then I had to go into town for something, so I visited a church there for an evening service, and was uninspired, but some people I knew turned up.

I had a bit of a bus ride and came home very tired.

Nonetheless, I stayed up a bit, and went to bed tired and late.

Bob Hill, the grand old gent who has been helping me with the nightmare Diocese and Deanery war that I got caught up in, has bowed out, unsurprisingly, as there is little left and he needs to enjoy his retirement and catch up with the book he was writing, he is in his 70s.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,
Well I was up early enough for church but didn't feel well enough.
I was hoping to go to the little church.

As it is, I am sitting here trying not to vomit the painkillers.

If I was sleeping rough, it wouldn't be like this,
the heat and the pain.
 If I was sleeping out under the stars with a thin blanket over me and a sack of blankets cradling my head, I would be very happy.
I wish, I wish.

Well if the diocese continue to destroy me, then I probably will be back out there.

I will go to church this evening, in the meantime I cannot remember what to do with today.

I guess more tea, and then maybe a photography trip once I feel better.

Saturday evening. Murder.

Good evening,
Well I have had a very long and tiring day.

This morning, I headed out, leaving the toast as I felt too sick to eat.
confused by the police cordons, I headed for the wrong bus stop, I said polite good mornings to the police, because Bob Hill once told me this was the good thing to do, and he used to be a police, so he should know.
The police were feeling very grim, but they let me go through. At the time I did not know why they were so grim and I did not know that if someone just falls down and dies, you do not have such cordons and investigations, but it was not until this evening that I found out it was not a natural death. I had been so utterly sure the man just collapsed.

Anyway, confused and tired, I went to the wrong bus stop because the early buses start in town and not at the bus stop near my home, so after some time waiting with a random friendly cat while an impassive police officer looked on from his cordon, I realised my error and headed for high street, I bet the policesman grinned.

I got to the bus stop and there is a gap between the early buses and the normal service, so I would have been waiting a while, but a thought came to me, and I shot across the road and caught the bus going the other way.
I texted my friends to tell them I was taking a different route and could we meet at a different place, and they said yes, and I made quite good time, we sat in a coffee shop and talked for hours, and wow! I so needed that! Genuinely, I needed to just talk and listen and be in great company.

Then we did a bit of a tour of the charity shops, looking for odds and ends for my flat, and then we dined in style at McDonalds. Then we did a little grocery shop for me :)

Then we parted company and I had other places and other faces to annoy see.

I had a nice afternoon and then headed for home, I was very tired by now.
The last leg of the journey turned out longer than expected because if I had got the shorter bus route, it would have been a nightmare with noisy young language students, dozens of them, so I got the bus that goes the longer route.

It was ok, and eventually we came down the hill onto the beautiful sweep of the Great Ship Bay. Home.
And I was so tired and achy, I could barely stagger home.

Flowers were tied to the railings by where the man died. And a car pulled up and the driver pointed it out to his passenger 'This must have been where it happened'.

I got indoors, I was cold from tiredness and being out all day in my teeshirt as today has been cool.
The flat was just warm enough.

Straight away I found the news headlines that said that the dead man had been murdered. Which explained the cordons and the amount of police and the house-to-house inquiries.
A man has been arrested.

I am shaken, I really thought the death was a collapse, but it was a murder, that happened outside my house, on a quiet street in a quiet area.
Last night was oppressive, with the heat in the flat, and the emergency services outside all night, I had mild flashbacks then, and have to just tell my confused brain that these things do not happen often and it is not to do with living indoors.

I am very tired, I didn't get home until 8pm, and I was going to watch some of Evan Almighty, and settle for a 12 hour sleep before getting up all cheerful for church in the morning.
But now I am kind of awake and not feeling much like movies, I am tired though.

The pictures on the news showed our front wall and one of our house's cars, hm, our wall is famous.
There were a lot of inaccuracies in the news reports, including one saying he was found in the side street over the road and that he was found in the early hours.
He was found over the road from us late last night.

Saturday 7.30am

Good morning,
Well it was 4.30am before I slept, and now I am awake, tired and hot, an hour and a half after I hoped to set off, so I am going for the 7.50 bus, I am washed and half dressed, and I do not feel like breakfast,
the street is full of police vehicles and people in space suits, the tent is still there.
The police were battling to keep the tent and tarpauilin down last night as the wind and rain battered it.
I have done toast but I feel sick and it is too early for toast. Bleh, see you later peeps.

Saturday 12.55am

Good morning peeps,

Well I am not a very happy person, I am hot and I am tense.

I am supposed to be in my crispy new bed, sleeping to the lullaby of the falling rain and pounding surf.

I was just trying to settle down, windows closed to shut out the commotion of emergency services in the road outside, sweltering hot, when the police started their house to house inquiries, and who is up in our house? Not the poor old gents, dunno where me neighbour is, so it's me, so me at the front door in my unflattering pyjamas that consist of real pyjama legs in case I get deported, and an old cotton top which does not look too pyjamary, but obviously I was in pyjamas and there is a hunky policesman at my front door, asking me all about it, so I explained all about it to him, and he said goodnight, and I forgot to tell him that I hoped the weather get better, because it is heavy rain all night.

So anyway, back to bed, no, sweltering and tense, back on the computer and in only  5 hours I am supposed to be setting off to my friends, well another non-alcohol-based weekend disaster for me, the flat is frying hot and I can't open the window because of the noise.
I haven't seen my friends for ages, and I am going to turn up wrecked, tired and grumpy, ha! (what did I do to deserve this?).

Outside, a load of men in space suits are swarming around a white tent that has been put up over the body, and lots of police in an assortment of hats are standing guard as the rain pours down.

I tried to pray for the dead man and his family, I was a bit shaky about that.

Friday Night

Good evening,

Well this evening I hoovered the flat and washed the kitchen floor, then I went out for a walk, I stopped at the shop to see if they any big boxes of teabags left but they didn't. they did have reduced cheese though, and I am a bit of a cheese fiend.
So I got cheese and walked along the front with it, the see was angry, moody, choppy, with the grey rain clouds sweeping down to it and obliterating the Great Hills.

Back home I was going to watch movies but ended up writing a very long email in response to one I recieved.

I heard noise outside and at first I thought it was just drunk people, but when I eventually looked out the window as it didn't sound like drunk people.

Well I was a bit shocked to see the street full of police and ambulance, flashing lights and emergency people.
There was a man lying still on the ground, the paramedic was doing CPR on him, but he didn't wake up at all, there was a taxi driver telling them he found him, and the police lady said she had two witness statements, and they put a sheet over the man and even covering his head, so I knew he was being dead.
And they are still out there and the road is closed and the man is being dead on the pavement and that is a shock, and soemone said they knew his family and that they live just up the road.

I am feeling scared, because there are lots of polices outside.
I think when people die on the street is through heart attack, strokem anurysm, asthma or something like that, but usually when someone collapses they are found in time, so he must have died suddenly, because although we are a fairly quiet street, it is a throughfare and people are out and about, especially on weekend nights. And he definitely wasn't collapsed there when I came home from my walk, although that was more than an hour ago.

Friday Evening

Good evening,

Wow, what a busy day.

I went for my swim, the sea was fairly calm, enough waves to make it interesting.
Then I went home and put a dinner in the microwave and had a bath and hair wash and put the beach things and everything else in the wash.
I knew I had to get the washing out quickly because rain was forecast this evening, so I waited for the washing.
As I waited, I checked my bank balance to see if I had enough for some phone credit on the new phone so I could contact my friends, let them know I was ok and the new phone was working and also ask if I could see them tomorrow.

To my surprise, when I checked the bank, tomorrow's money had already arrived in my account, so I waited for the washing machine, got the washing out, and headed to start sorting out essentials.

The problem with my money is that I get three lots of money close together at one time, and then at other times I get not much money, so when I get the bigger lot of money, I have to use a lot to replenish and replace things and but things I need.

Anyway, I walked down to the high street to get some household essentials from the hardware store: bleach, washing up liquid, candle, laundry liquid etc etc, then I got some milk and phone credit and came home for a cuppa.
Then I headed for the bus, got a 7 day ticket, and went to the supermarket for the big shop.

I texted my friend, and I am going to have a day out and see them tomorrow.

I did the big shop, one of the highlights was that I have been waiting ages to do something about my bedding and bed linen and this was where I was going to get it, because, the thing is, I have a single bed, and in the lodging house I had a double bed, and so I have been struggling with a double duvet and double bed linen on a single bed for some time, and that is not so good, especially not in this weather. The double sheet was warm material too, and the duvet thick and heavy.
So my shop started with me selecting a lightweight anti allergy single duvet, and an aqua single fitted sheet and aqua and white/white and aqua reversible duvet cover and pillow cover set.

It was an expensive shop, I also got an xl ink cartrige for the printer, seeing as the church of england and the tinpot island are costing me a fortune in ink.

I got food, spare cheap deodorants, fish oil. fruit and veg, fresh flowers, plenty of food and drink, although I forgot my essential fruit squash, I drink fruit squash in the evening and at night, no caffine, plenty of hydration.
I always forget something.
It was one of the most expensive shops I have ever done, well I think it was the most expensive grocery shop I have ever done, although it did include bedding, bed linen and ink cartrige, which made up a lot of the expense.

Thankfully the bus came in quickly and I got a seat up front by the driver and was home, stress free very quickly, even the big supermarket here doesn't get too crowded, which is a great help to me, and my agrophobia has gone down steadily since I discussed it with the psychologist last year.

I got home to a hot sticky flat, I wish I could afford a fan as well as bedding, it has been roasting in here, and the children playing outside were so noisy that I had to shut the window, I would rather die of heatstroke than deal with one of my autistic sensitivities, children are high pitched and sharp and these ones are exceptionally noisy and even though they are only about six and seven year olds, they tend to be out there alone for hours on end.

Anyway, I got the washing in, bone dry, and the dark rain clouds were piling in, and so the rain started.
The little children were still out in it, last I heard, I have my earphones in now.

The flat needs a tidy, there are papers on the floor, and the kitchen floor is a bit sandy :)
But the bed looks nice in it's new dress, it did look bad with a lumpy double duvet and a sheet that didn't fit well.

Eventually I will get up, mop and hoover and tidy, and put the movies back on.

Friday Morning

Good morning,

Well last night I was tired but after watching movies for a while, I went for a walk, it was dusk, and the sunset was fading red and pink and purple, into night.
There were kids jumping off the sea wall.

I wandered about, and it was a warm night with all the sparkly lights and I was reminded of my life on the streets, safe from the diocese, I wanted to stay out and roam about, but I came home to sleep, I would be sleeping better on the streets in this heat, indoors is too hot.

It  took hours to get to sleep, I was too hot, in the end I had to wash myself with a cold flannel and sleep without anything.

I did sleep, and now I am awake, and it is a hot sunny day, but the rain comes in tonight, so I will have a swim today while it lasts.

Last night I dreamed about the golden fields and the snobbish oligarchy of mid Hampshire, I dreamed about JM, I dreamed I was back there. I woke feeling quite happy to be out of there, away from being the poor little sister to the rich of the mid Hampshire villages.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

Well this morning after some water and anti-inflammatories I made it to the shop without being sick or keeling over.
And there I bought butter and milk and other food and also deodorant.
Never buy deodorant from your corner shop, poor selection and expensive, but I used the last of mine yesterday and was in a hurry to recover in time to walk up to lunch club.

I got home and did peanut butter on toast and tea with real milk for breakfast, I had been looking forward to it for days but I didn't have much appetite when it came to enjoying it.
So I had my wash, did a bit of computer stuff and headed for lunch.

A hot day with clear skies was going on, so I set off with my swimsuit on under my beach shorts and teeshirt, and enjoyed a leisurely walk along the seafront, the front was busy and some of the bach too, but further along under the cliffs was quieter, I had my huffing puffing climb up the cliff, and suddenly my memory came back, I used to live up here, in the lodging house, before I got my flat! :) Ah, sweet memories. I used to stand on the cliff top at night or early morning and look at the sea, but I am happy to live down in town now, it is easier on my back to live in a more level area, the cliff top is all hills and huffs and puffs one way or another.

I walked down to lunch, and a train went shooting and tooting past, and again, I remembered that I miss the trains, one thing I hated about Jersey was no train, the grockle train is not a train, it is a way of fleecing grockles when they should walk their own little legs along the front.
Anyway, it was nice to step out of my very small world for a while and go back a bit and out a bit.

I went in to lunch and got a friendly welcome, I sat with some people I didn't know, when I get there it is always so hot and crowded, I tend to go in, recoil, go back out and then go in again, dunno what they think of that.
But anyway, I sat with a quiet couple and two ladies who were having deep conversations, I  had plenty of room, we had hot quiche and hot Jersey royals with butter, and plenty of salad. Eating Jersey Royals always makes me grin nortily, because I always think 'Eating the Bailhache Brothers'.

We did the quiz, and I was a bit rubbish because it is all films and celebrities, not my strong point, I got 17 out of 30something, and at our table we begged him to start doing history and geography quizzes :)

We had strawberry gataux with cream for dessert, and then coffee and mints, it is done in style at my luncheon club! :) I've missed them, I haven't gone there for a while just due to life and distance and mainly hanging out at the drop in, I am having a break from the drop in.
A bit like homeless daycentres, you can end up dependent, and it is summer, I should be on the beach.

Anyway, talking of beaches, after lunch, and yes I know what they say about swimming after lunch :( I wandered down the cliff and back up the front to my beach, feeling still a bit tired and ill from the morning, and wondered if I even should swim, but I did, had a good sploshy swim in the big old waves, looked up at the Great Hill, beautiful against the pale blue sky, and oh what a glorious day!
I had a brief sunbathe, I am mildly allergic to the sun, and last year I made myself sick from sunburn, so this year more careful.
Then I clothed myself in beach clothes, I never take a towel, it's just, swimsuit under teeshirt and shorts, and then wet swimsuit under rather wet and sandy teeshirt and shorts, and when I get home it all goes in the bowl for a rinse.
Anyway, the tide was coming in, so I walked the tide and picked up shells and stones I liked for my room, and then sat on the wall and dreamed and watched the ships.

When I got home I had a bath, and have overcooked the pizza.
The blog stats on the church blog are doing well without me posting anything
I will now watch movies. I am on the last episode of season 6 of Buffy, the one where Willow goes completely bonkers, ahh.
I do not really like season 6 much, basically from season 5 onwards it all gets increasingly grim and it is different from seasons 1-4, which I prefer, I prefer the old days, no Dawn, Willow with Oz etc, not that I dislike Tara, she and Willow are sweet together, but, the dynamics of the scooby gang changed too much really with Dawn and Tara and no Oz, and I liked Oz, well I like Seth Green, but never mind.
Did someone just say 'Geek'? :)
Anyway, last word, I do not like Season 7 at all apart from Spike being insane. But I will watch it nonetheless.