Good morning peeps,

yesterday afternoon, I sat on my new duvet in my corner and did some reading and a slight bit of studying.
I brewed much tea.

In the evening the priest was still working to unblock the drains at church so he let me get a cuppa.

I went for my walk, brewed more tea, and went to the porch, slept despite the noise.

woke briefly in the night with terrors.

Woke again in the early morning, very warm, the weather is ridiculously mild compared to last year, the weather now is warmer than it was during last summer.

Got up, brewed tea and then it was time for pastoral care as it is early today.

Pastoral care was ok, then we set up for toddler group and then I came here to write.

The depression is bad at the moment.
I forgot to tell you that yesterday my friend brought the rest of my clothes, all clean, so I changed into my Sunday best in time for church.

Hey peeps,

Well yesterday evening was quiet, I sat and read my textbook and brewed tea, had a walk and got to my porch for an early sleep.
Fell into deep sleep. Woke at 3am needing the loo, a drunk person was crashing around in the bushes, occasionally there was a crash and a thump and swearwords like he walked into a tree.

I slept again but there were terrors and nightmares and distresses in my light sleep.
I slept deeper towards morning and woke up comfy but a bit too warm, 7am, an hour before pastoral care.

My stove was out in the corner and my tea making stuff was under a bucket so I set to work making tea and getting on with my Sunday wash, which is the thorough one including my hair.

I was all washed by the time pastoral care started, pastoral care was ok, but did not relieve my tension and distress about the church of england, my old friends came in during pastoral breakfast and shared stories about previous harvest services, one of them went to lead harvest at another church and one was to lead the service at my church.

It was one of those days when I was at church by 8am and didn't leave until just after 3pm, not long ago.

After pastoral breakfast, I helped with preperations for the harvest service, and then it was time for the service, after the service was coffee and I was given some chocolate, and a duvet, and a harvest food parcel.

Then we had harvest lunch, so I helped set up tables and set everything out, sat with my friend for lunch, then helped with teas and coffees, and clearing away, and then tedious jobs like unblocking drains and sharpening hundreds of pencils for the church youth meetings.

And by the time that was all over, it was gone 3pm.

So here I am, just escaped.
I have a free afternoon for lazing on the blanket and studying.

Just went to my friend's shop for a while, now I have a blank evening, probably resting on the blanket and brewing tea and reading.
The weather remains very mild.

Hey peeps,

I had my lunch wiv me pals, I was not as hungry as usual, I was veyr tired, so after lunch I went and lay down on the ground in my corner, oh, the ground felt so good! :)

I have come up with a bad idea. Do you remember my sponsored walk last year? It raised £280. 70 miles solo, not bad for a cripple, eh? I want to do the same again. :)
I am due a short sponsored walk with my friends at the beginning of November, but I want to do that endless silent walk alone that I did last year. wasn't it amazing, peeps? I had to be very careful about where I was walking, just as I have to be very careful about where I am now.

Good morning peeps,

Last night I went and made use of the church while the choir practiced, I finished off my wash and hygiene, all the things that are hard to do in public loos or outside with the bucket, and then I did some homework, drinking plenty of tea as I did.

Then when the choir finished I went for a walk and to the cafe, then I got past the drunken louts and tucked down comfy in the porch and was asleep immediately.

I woke needing the loo at some point, slept again, soundly apart from one nightmare, and woke up all snug and comfy in the grey early morning, I thought it was later than it was, but it didn't matter, I put the stove on for tea and blearily read my textbook.

Then eventually, a number of cuppas later, it was time for women's breakfast, so my friend and everyone arrived and we had breakfast, I had peanut butter on toast :)

My friend brought some of my washing back clean and she did a funny talk at breakfast.

Then there was the choice of library or helping with harvest decorations, but seeing as I had no cafe this morning and it is a busy day, I thought I would come here and do some highly effective office work :)

Hey peeps,

Busy busy time these days.

I went to class last night, it was ok, a bit overwhelming because of the level of interaction but I survived, I was one of a few who had managed to get the text book, and everyone was grumbling because the textbook cost more than expected, I found that too.
The class was quiet because a few had dropped out and one was ill.

We got through a lot of hard work and finished early, especially as the tutor didn't feel well, but as a result I caught an earlier bus home, got home, knew rain was forecast and had to work to get to the porch without the drunks disturbing me.
I slept but not deeply, I was kind of only half asleep all night. Until the early morning when I was more deeply asleep and couldn't wake very well.

I got up and stashed everything in the box, did my hair and mouthwash and headed for the cafe, relieved to see no news from the blasted church of england.
Went to pastoral care and that was good.

Headed for therapy, the train was crowded but I survived.

Therapy was a bit traumatic, well it has to be if we are to make progress.
We discussed the trauma assessment.
:(
Some of the elements of trauma are way above the clinical cut off score apparently, the psychologist says he is going to have a meeting with other people at the clinic to see about getting me EMDR or other trauma therapy.
I found it all a bit scary, but there is nothing we didn't know really, the death wish showed up, but even that has decreased since I did the assesment and I am in no way in the same terrible state I was 18 months or so ago and before. My church has done amazing things for me.
I would have been right off the scale two years or 18 months ago, and the NHS were useless, but as it is, the assesment results are a picture of severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, coming from the church of england treatment of me on top of my upbringing.

trauma therapy will be traumatic in itself, but I wont get better without it.

Anyway, because my therapy time is midday now, it means I get home before the rush hour, the train was busy but not overcrowded so I got home ok, went up to the camp and put the stove on, I made tea and washed myself, including my hair and face, and redid the potassium permanganate wash, not sure I should do it again so soon but never mind.
I had a number of cups of tea, cut and scrubbed my nails, put some pp on some of the mosquito bites, changed my socks, and did as much of my wash and hygiene that I could outdoors, I will do the rest this evening while the choir are practicing, I will also finish my homework then, I started it on the train.

Then I sorted out the lock box as it was muddled. I put all my dirty washing together for my friend to collect this evening, and put my coursework and wash things together for this evening and made sure everything was tidy and shipshape.
Then I came up here to the library.
Yay, it's the weekend, good food and relaxing with my pals and churchpeeps! :) hey, I am half and half about living and and death, I love my life now, I have better quality of life than I have ever had, the deathwish is only because of the church of england.
But I learned to love again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OpQFFLBMEPI

I need physio on this leg again. It is just beginning to seize up and give me a hard time.

Hi peeps,
captain's blog, 16.16.
26/09/13

Wow, peeps, haven't we come a long way, I remember a year ago, the prophecy that clouds were gathering, shadows forming and that something was to happen in February this year.
Well plenty happened, didn't it, peeps, but no justice.

Anyway, yesterday afternoon I revised without being disturbed by the Great Grim Church.
I got to college in plenty of time so that I could have a proper tour and orientate myself, and the staff were ok with that because I am autistic.

I had a good nose around, and talked about financial support and bus passes, I will very likely get funding for a bus pass, which will be a relief.

I went to class, this my second class that I started a week late, it was hard work catching up at first but it got easier and I am pretty much caught up.

I was tired and had used the last of my money by the time I went to wait for the bus, a half hour wait as usual, and then the long journey home.

The weather was turning bad so I tucked down in the porch, warm and peacful as the rain pelted down, I was asleep immediately and slept peacefully and deeply through the night.

I woke in the morning, rested, relaxed, comfy and lazy, I am sure more time in bed should be compulsary.
I got up and quickly packed away, did my hair and mouthwash and went to the cafe, my money was in but I also had earned a free pot of tea on my loyalty card :) typical!

Then I went to pastoral care, which went well, and then I went to get a few essentials from the pound shop, then it was time to go and see my Scottish friend for a coffee and a natter and knitting lesson, no great improvement in my knitting, peeps, it is like learning to drive.

Then I had a brief stop in the library to do my emails.

Then I went to meet my friend at her shop, she had potassium permanganate for me, and we had a cuppa and a chat, I gave her some money I owed her, and then we went to get a can of gas for my stove! :) yay.

So then I went off to set up stove in my corner and boiled water and mixed up hot and cold water and potassium permanganate to bathe in.
Messy stuff but excellent results usually, one of my hands is currently dyed brown as a result :)

so I had my soak in pp, and changed my foam pads in my boots and wiped them out with pp as well, and also brushed my teeth and did my hair and changed into new socks and generally sorted myself out and packed my notebooks and textbooks for tonight.

People were arriving down at church for harvest decorating and social groups, so I went in and made tea and coffee for anyone who wanted it.

Then it was time to get the bus, which I did, arrived here in the college town, went to the port to watch a bit of water traffic and then had a pot of tea and a very late lunch, I also got some passport photos for my bus pass.

a few hours to go until class, I may as well revise.

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday I had a few cuppas wiv all me pals, and off I wandered to the town where my college is.

I was in increasing pain and simply vomited the painkillers every time I took them :(

I wrote a letter, did some studying and had a wander, met my old friends, a lovely Christian couple, who always insist on slipping me a few pounds for food and hot drinks.
That was nice, they gave me enough for my lunch and a hot drink and the postage of my letter.

I had a walk around after lunch and sat on the harbour wall watching the shipping and shouting rude criticism to the boats.

Then I tried to pull myself together and prepare for college and got disrupted by the ruddy church of england and their fake enquiry, again.
Furious and running out of time, hurtled through KFC, grabbing a meal on the way and onto the bus, got to college dead on time to be given the form I needed and be taken to my class.

The class was fine, it was all stuff I had revised.

Afterwards, the wait for the bus was ages but it wasn't as crowded as thursday.

I got home, lay down on the ground and fell into deep sleep.

I woke at 3am and used the loo and then spent  2 hours in utter terrors and nightmares and distress about the church of england, woke again at 5am, slept deeply again, dreamed a storm had hit me and I had gone blind and missed pastoral care and felt very sad, slept peacefully until 7 and got up.
Went and had a quick wash and changed my smalls in the cold toilets and went to the cafe.

Then it was time for pastoral care.
Went and had porridge and a chat.

Came here, and am just going to beg a cuppa of the group, wash my hair and brush my teeth, get my prep for class tonight and head off to the other town.
I will not get a real break until Saturday, as I have class tomorrow as well, and a very early therapy session on Friday, midday instead of 2.30.
At least I will miss the rush hour on the trains if I can get back on the train just after 1pm on Friday.

I am on the last of my money now, thankful tomorrow is money day.
I owe my friend for a few things including my new textbook, which she left by the lock box for me yesterday.

Good morning peeps,

Still not well but a bit better than yesterday.

Yesterday I was being sick a lot.
In the evening I sat in church and listened to the choir, had my walk while they had their break, had some supper and more tea, sicked most of it up.
Bedded down and had another night of waking up and sleeping shallowly with vivid dreams.

Went to the cafe first thing, then went for porridge and pastoral care, which was quite cheerful.

Gonna see all me pals and then get the bus to the town where I have night school tonight, it does me good to have a break and be there.

I hope I feel better by tonight.

Hi peeps,

Yesterday afternoon, the air remained close and muggy and horrible, thick grey clouds in the sky.

I had a walk around and some lunch and settled to reading a book on my blanket, and that is pretty much all I did.

By 9pm I had bedded down for the night, slept until 1am and woke up, for no apparent reason.
Went to the loo, tried to sleep again, couldn't sleep for ages.
Slept shallowly and woke up feeling ill in the morning.

Brewed tea, took painkillers, felt sick.

went to pastoral care, too sick for porridge, only had a quick pastoral meeting and wandered off.

I have really not felt well today, I am on high dose painkillers but still unwell. :(

My friend brought me a letter from college, but apart from that I have not been in a sociable mood.

I went and had a rest on my blanket and washed myself and my hair and my towel and used the last of the gas for washing water and tea.

I read a maths book a bit, now I have my maths confirmed. I know what prime numbers and factors are! :)

I hope very much that the church of england and police are going to withdraw their latest onslaught and get off my back.

Hi peeps,
I was restless and unsettled yesterday.
But in the evening I settled to reading my book and brewing tea.
I went for my walk and settled in my blankets, it was a noisy night and my head was buzzing, and I got bitten by mosquitos and it was midnight before I settled down and the noise settled down and I slept.

Woke this morning, it wasn't raining, but the air was heavy and damp as it was all yesterday and so far today.

I brewed tea and started my wash.

After an hour it was time for porridge and pastoral care, I am not supposed to have pastoral care at the weekend, but for some reason this weekend I have done.

Then I went and finished my wash and changed my clothes and then it was church time.

Church was as good as usual, there are a lot of church events coming up, so one person gave me a ticket for a three course meal in a few weeks time, and my friend asked me if I wanted to come to a simple lunch in a few weeks and I said that seeing as I am simple I would come, and she said it is hard to keep a straight face when I am around, the priest's wife reminded me there is a women's breakfast coming up, so I am happy with all this food on the horizon.

My friend said she would get the textbook I need from Amazon as it isn't available in WH Smiffs, they have every other textbook but not mine.

Anyway, here I am in the cafe, there is no news today, so that is good, I wish the church of england and the police would just all spontaniously combust.

Hi peeps,

well yesterday evening I had a cuppa at church but the choir weren't in, so I didn't stay, I went and sat in the cafe with my book for a while and then bedded down.
Despite it being a weekend night, it was fairly quiet and I slept through the night, dreamed about pet-sitting some tigers and realising it was a mistake when they started growling.

Woke feeling cranky and achy, eventually wandered out of bed and did hair and teeth and stumbled down to the cafe to hear more about the investigation. Got a bit cross and rattled off a cross email.
When will this nightmare end?

went and had pastoral and porridge, had some library time, had lunch wiv me pals, popped into my friend's shop briefly, sitting here too hot and need to go and wash and rest, not the best day ever.

Hi Peeps,

Well I went to college last night and it was ok as well as a bit overwhelming.

It was getting late after college and the bus took ages and loads of people ended up waiting and some of them were smoking, I wonder why I put myself through these things.

Anyway, I got home, grabbed a cuppa and bedded down as it was late, but the drunks were still noisy.

Slept, woke peaceful in the morning and brewed tea.

Went to the cafe, got some news.

Something has happened with the enquiry.

Not bad news, I don't think, but rather a shock, as anything to do with this always will be.

Anyway, I went and had my porridge and pastoral care and then had a wash.

went to the library, have had a nondescript day.

The college say I can get help with bus fares from their financial support.

Hi peeps,

I would say excuse the silence, but no one except random stats that may not be real have been reading the blog. So that is ok.

Yesterday I made my way home, it was cold and clear, the noise and antisocial behaviour nearby was so bad late into the night it drove me to screaming point.

eventually I slept, but I had wanted a nice long quiet night before going to college and I didn't get one.
I woke at 6.30 and scrambled, I had left the stove out.
I brewed tea very quickly, did my teeth and hair and hurried off to catch the bus.
I was allowing time because crowded buses later on and rush hour might make me distressed or late.

So I arrived at the college early and went on down to the sea port in the meantime. I used the toilets down there to wash and change my clothes, as I had hoped to.

I went back to the college in good time, they were very nice and I did my maths and english assessment and passed both with high marks! Goody!

So they enrolled me in night school three evenings a week.

I start tonight.

So after that, I went to the library, and had a peaceful day here, listening to music, chatting on the forum and ready my book.

I popped out for tea a few times and to get pens and paper and things. And soon I will head for college.

Hey peeps,

well I went and had my breakfast pastoral care and was given my packed lunch.
Did I tell you the joke they made about supported living? they say I am now 'supported rough sleeping', heehee.

Then I shot off to get one of the only direct trains.
I arrived in the City with the star above it, my shamed hometown.

Had the usual kerfuffle about meeting my friend, and then off we went to tend the grave of my late friend and pray over it.
It felt sad when an old friend of mine came past and ignored me, well, never mind, I do not need friends who listen to the church of england slander of me and treat me like dirt, I have upgraded to better friends, haven't I? I told this to my friend who I was with and she said it was a compliment :)

Then we went as a special treat to the town with the river, so I could see some fish and we could have a pot of tea.
So that was good, and then we sat in the car and had a picnic lunch on the way back, and she gave me a food parcel when she dropped me off in the city.

I am delighted that I managed to find a Shane Dunphy book in a charity shop here :) one I have not read, and then I have sat quietly here and had a few pots of tea as well.

I am heading home soon, I don't like to be far from home but on the other hand I know I have to balance my fear because it is a form of phobia that comes from having to run from the diocese who are based in this very town, who drove me out into the wilderness and I am so afraid that they will again.

It will be dry tonight so I will sleep sweetly under the stars.

Good morning peeps,

Yesterday evening I sheltered in the church porch and read my book as I waited for the Bible group to turn up.
My friend stopped by to take my dirty washing for a wash, she also brought me some cake :)

The Bible study group was only a few people tonight, but there was plenty of tea.

After Bible study I went and tucked down in the porch, away from the weather, I was asleep immediately and slept through the night.
No-one disturbed me in the morning, there was no drunk nearby, it was raining lightly and I packed my bedding up and put the stove on for tea and washing water.

It was 6.30am when I got up, nice and early and just getting light, I brewed tea and washed my hair and face with the first lot of water, and continued the wash and more tea with the second lot. It is getting cold to wash from the bucket, but not too cold yet, but it is nothing like that hot summer when I washed with cold water every day.

Anyway, I had two cups of tea and my wash and mouthwash and teethbrush and then I needed to hurry down to the cold toilets.
I finished my wash in the cold toilets and changed my socks, and here I am drinking tea.
I am supposed to have breakfast with pastoral care again today, and every day until further notice.

I am also off on a day trip to see my friend and do other things today.

Hey peeps,

you nearly didn't get an update at all today, I forgot.

Yesterday the priest came up to the library and apologized for getting too caught up to talk to me, he made an appointment with me for a breakfast meeting today.

I wandered idly through the day, tried to have a snooze as I was tired, didn't manage to, got some books, gas, handwarmers and usual meds and toiletries that I need when the money comes through.

The weather was cold and yesterday was the first really autumnal day, cold and smoky and lovely, made me feel alive again.

In the evening I sat in church and drank tea as the choir practiced, lent someone my phone to call their taxi, and wandered off to bed.
Slept solid through the night.

woke up and there was a drunk idiot nearby swearing and falling over, I do not know if he saw me or not.

I packed up my bedding, did my hair and mouthwash and went to the cafe, had a quick pot of tea and went to have breakfast with the priest., we had a good chat.

Then it was time to see all me pals, I had some cups of tea and soda with me pals and didn't stop for food.
The priest had given me sandwiches for lunch anyway, and off I went to the library.

I was too hot and distracted for the library and eventually I went to find myself a spare pair of jeans as my only pair needed a wash and so I stank.

I got some jeans.
And came here to the cafe, the weather is bad with heavy rain but I can spend the evening in church while Bible study is on.

Ah, one of the colleges has invited me for an interview, on thursday, I can be a late starter if I am accepted.

Hey peeps,

I know it was utterly the wrong time to vanish on you, when you know things have been difficult recently and that I was going to the hospital for screening, but don’t worry, it is simply that I have not been able to access the internet.
The hospital visit took most of Saturday, and then because my money didn’t come through on Thursday, I have not been able to get to the café on Saturday or Sunday to access the internet there.

Right. Let me catch up with you from Friday evening onwards.

The weather was foul on Friday evening, wet and windy, I sheltered in church as the choir practiced, and then it was back out into the wet and windy night.

Interestingly it was fairly quiet for a weekend night, and I walked in the rain and eventually went to the porch and tucked down and hoped for the best as the rain blew in on the wind.
I slept almost as soon as I lay down.
I woke again at 12.20am, the night was dark and quiet apart from flurries of wind and rain and a drunk person roaring to themselves at a distance.

I got up, I was a bit wet and cold from the rain that had got me before I bedded down, so I removed my wet top and bandana from under my coat, which was quite warm and dry, and I put on my spare top and my shawl and rearranged the bedding and bedded down again.
I slept warm and comfortable and woke in the morning, not as early as I would have liked as I had the long journey to London to make.

I got up, the rain had stopped but the air was damp and the sky was grey, I got the kettle going and had tea and a wash, my hair was wild from being wet in the night so I had to wash it despite being short of time, as I couldn’t go to London with such mad hair.

I set off sleepily after my wash and tea, and was a bit late for the trains I wanted and so was cutting it slightly fine but not too much.

I had a peaceful journey down to London, and no problem on the underground, I was quite pleased, I coped quite well with the crowds, if I say so myself.

I got to the hospital, no problem, checked in no problem, had a bit of a wait, and had an ECG, done by a very nice kind woman.

The ECG was not too bad, it was not mad and all over the place like the one where I was rushed to hospital, it apparently had ‘a few blips but nothing to really worry about’.  nortypeople have norty hearts.
I had a chat with a doctor and talked to him about the exercise related problems and the arhythmia and my family’s history of heart problems.

Then I was given an hour to pop off and terrorize the district while I waited for further scannings.

I had not much of the money my friend gave me for food left, so I was happy that I found a shop that had some reduced price food and I got some food and a can of soda, and had a walk as I ate.

I went back and had a cuppa with the last of the money and then went to endure the next lot of torture.

Ouch, barbaric things these scans.
I think the lady said it was because I am asthmatic and she had to get my lung to move out of the way of my heart so she could scan my heart, but it really hurt, that one was an ordeal It has been hurting ever since, I thought these tests were supposed to be painless?

I survived, and again, it was nothing to worry about, basically it all just needs a slight  eye kept on it because of the problems and the hereditary thing. I will await my GP pestering me about it, and maybe an exercise stress test as it is during exercise that I do the fainting and vomiting routine
No worries, all ok, peeps, I will never be a great athlete, but being a norty person is just as good.

I was very tired, so when my friend sent me a text asking if I was staying to terrorize London, I told her I was too tired and would simply head home.
And I did.

I had no money for the café when I got home, and I was very tired, so I rested and brewed tea, and ate a cheese and onion roll, which was all I had left, and then it was bed time, and it was a rare dry, night, so I tucked down out in the open, slept for a few hours and woke feeling cold and needing the loo, I rearranged the bedding and slept again but was not deeply asleep, the temperature is dropping towards winter and I need to make my blanket pile into a winter blanket pile.
I would have got a new blanket and a jumper if the money had come through on Thursday.

Anyway, I woke bright and early on Sunday morning, it was cold and cloudy, I put the stove on and had my wash and tea, it is always a thorough wash on a Sunday, and I walked down to the cold loos to finish the bits of wash that I cannot do outdoors in case some unsuspecting person comes across me washing and gets a fright.

Anyway, after my wash I stopped in at a church that isn’t my one, it is my spare church, they were having a roast lunch today and I went in to see if there was space for me and if so what time I should turn up.
They were delighted to see me as they were in difficulties setting up for the lunch and needed an extra pair of hands to get it all set up before their morning service, so I was roped in, because they know I help with things.
So there I was, busily setting up, and then I trotted off back to my church and saw all my beloved church people and worshipped with them.

I can now cope with being in the main church for some of the service instead of staying out in the lobby and listening through the speakers.

It was lovely to see all my church peeps, and when I went in before the service, the priest’s wife was there early and she asked me if I wanted a bowl of porridge, of course I did!

So I had porridge, and my gardening pals came and told me the good news that we had won an award for the garden. I didn’t think we had, because it has been such a struggle to look after it this year.

So all was well there, and the priest said he would bring me a blanket and a jumper later, because I said I was waiting for my money to come through so I could get a blanket and a jumper as it was getting cold at night. And the priest let me get a carton of long life milk from the charity box, so I could brew tea on my stove during the rest of the day.

Then I trotted back to the other church for lunch.
I have only been to lunch at the other church once, and I had forgotten that it is a real three-course dinner, soup or melon starters with bread and butter, I had soup, full roast dinner, seconds, a selection of puddings, and then tea and coffee.
 That was a good dinner. Should have those every day.

But after dinner there was nowhere to go and nowhere to shelter from the increasingly bad weather.
I pretty much spent the whole afternoon sitting on the more sheltered bench, reading my book, but I was not out of the wind-blown rain really, I was wearing my big waterproof coat and my shawl but I was kind of cold and wet, I read my book and sometimes brewed tea on the stove but there was very little relief from the weather, and nowhere else to go, I could throttle whoever made the mistake with my benefits that left me with no money to go  to the café or on public transport to get out of the weather.

At 7.20pm the priest turned up with his hat on. He unlocked the church and told me to come in out of the weather, he had brought me a wool blanket and a jumper. He told me that the weather would get better during the night but that I could shelter in the church until 10.30pm. He had brought me soup and sandwiches for my supper.

He left me in the church with use of the kitchen and toilets and small meeting room to sit in.

So I brewed tea and sorted my posessions out, washed some smalls and washed myself, then I sat there to write some of this.
By 10.30 when he came to lock up, I was dry, clean and fed, and feeling a lot better.
Before the priest left, he also gave me some useful advice that I had never thought of, about how to make sheltering in the porch a bit safer.

The weather had calmed down and the sky was clearing, I tried out what the priest had suggested about the porch, and he was right, I tucked down and slept.

I slept and woke at 20 past midnight again, and then slept again.
Only sleeping lightly in the last few hours to morning.

I was not really relaxed and comfy as I sometimes am when I wake from a good night’s sleep, but I was ok, I got up and stashed the bedding, drank mouthwash and brushed my hair, and walked to town. My money was in, and I came here to the café and thankfully started catching up on everything I had missed out on over the weekend.

One of the biggest handicaps to being online has been not being able to check the weather forecast, so I have not been able to prepare myself for the weather. Which is not good when approaching Winter means either cold clear nights or wet windy nights.

I am relieved that my money is in, and that the hospital visit went ok and that we are moving forward with solutions to things. I am also relieved that the church of England have left off tormenting me, but we can expect them to relaunch their attack on October 11th or thereabouts.

I just went to the church, I was supposed to be chatting with the priest this morning but once he had done me some porridge and tea, he got caught up in a church group and so he was busy, I wandered off to see if my friend was at the coffee morning for some tea and a natter, but she wasn't there and it was crowded so I wandered here instead.

I am glad that my money is through and that that stressful weekend is over.

Good morning you peeps you,
what are you doing, and if so, why?

Last night I brewed much tea and wandered in and out of church, they are not my favourite group on a Thursday so I don't settle well.
But by the time they went home it was already raining lightly, but I was exhausted so I lay down on the ground and fell asleep. woke an hour later when the heavy rain took over.
Wandered carefully into the porch, expecting to wait and be vigilant, but I was out like a light.
I knew nothing until I woke at 6.10am this morning.

It was getting light and the sky was grey with rain but it had eased off.
I was warm, maybe too warm, but comfy and relaxed, wide awake, so I got up, I had left the stove and tea things out and they had come to no harm in the rain, so I brewed much tea and read my book.

Then i needed to run for the cold toilets because my insides were griping.
And then I came here to the cafe.

More rain forecast for tonight, and it is a weekend night, misery.

Hey peeps,
excuse the lack of blog, I have had 24 hours of crisis.

Well I managed to get into an almighty misunderstanding with some of my churchpeople, and that combined with heavy rain last night and no shelter, left me drained and devastated.
Then this morning my money didn't come through and I had none left.

I was very upset about my money not coming through, every time they make an error and stop my money it means a day at the benefits office and a torturous series of phone calls and answering questions and panicking, it leaves me ill, so I decided not to even try, I was cold and wet and despairing and tired.

Thankfully my churchpeople, as well as calmly sorting out yesterdays misunderstanding, offered moral and prayer support, no-one had time to go to the benefits office with me today but they offered to tomorrow, but in the meantime I sent emails, to the central office and also to my old friend who worked for the benefits agency, and then I took a handwritten letter to the benefits office, and left it with them to sort out without me being there, and they did, after a fashion.
My money will be in my account on Monday! :(:(
In the meantime I had no money, no food and no ticket to London to go to the hospital on Saturday.

I chatted to my friends online for a while and felt a lot better but lack of food and tea was getting to me, and then I found enough for a pint of milk, hiding in my pocket.

I trotted off to get a pint of milk and hoped I had enough gas for the stove, got to the stove and found that someone had left me a new gas canister, so I texted them thanks and told them I was short of food, they said they would come down, and I brewed tea while I waited.

They came down with some money and told me they would go with me and get my tickets to London tomorrow and I could pay them back when my money came through.
They also talked about my future lodgings that one day we will arrange.

When they had gone, I boiled a few kettles for my wash, which had gone forgotten all day, and had a wash and plenty of tea.

Here I am, just the end of the day at the library, more bad weather expected but who cares?
I will just have to become waterproof like a duck.

This morning I briefly had a cuppa with my friend and she taught me my first knitting, I did some finger knitting, got the hang of that and struggled a bit with my first bit of knitting with needles, this is like sailing and knots, it uses the part of my brain that does not work well.

Good morning peeps,

Well when I left the library yesterday I went and got some odds and ends from the bakery to eat, and went and put the stove on for tea and water to wash with, I ate the food and stopped feeling dizzy, I guess my blood sugar was low because I haven't wanted to eat so I haven't eaten much.

I washed my hair and my arms and legs and brushed my teeth and changed my socks and sat and read my book.
Then I did some gardening for church until the churchpeople arrived, and then I talked to my churchpeople and had tea and cake before their meeting started and then I conntinued my wash in the church toilets, cos there are some parts of the wash that I cannot do outdoors in a bucket ;)
I also washed some underwears and dried it under the hand drier.

The church meeting went on late and I sat and read and drank tea.
At the end of the meeting I was helping with washing up and cups of tea, because my friends were staying behind to do paperwork, and it was very late, so we had another cuppa and then I was tired so I wandered off into my blankets and slept.

I slept the night with only one toilet break despite all that tea, and I woke up feeling highly lazy and comfy about things and wanting to stay in bed.
I did the usual and came here for a cuppa.

Today I have a cuppa tea at church at 9.30 and I am meeting my friend for Pastoral care at 4pm.
It is only a few days until I go to London, I am terrified.
:)

Hey peeps,
I went and had tea and lunch wiv me pals.
That was ok.

Then had to go back to the computer shop as the computer cable had a fault, all sorted now.
I am dizzy today.

Good morning peeps,

I stayed in the library yesterday evening and then went and did a bit of gardening, then I raided the church kitchen while the choir was in, and got two cups of tea.

I had a walk around and then went to bed down.
My top blanket was still soaked from the rain.

It was a cold night and at first I was not sleeping well, there were drunk people making a lot of noise nearby as well.
I got up at 11.30pm and re-arranged my bedding and added the little bit of cardboard that was still dry after last night, then I settled back down and slept.

I woke at 7am this morning, quite comfy and relaxed, I looked at the sky and smelled the fresh air and wondered what indoors might be like, I think it might break my heart to live indoors.

Here I am in the cafe.
Today I see all me pals, and tonight I get to invade church while there is a meeting, I also hope to have a wash under the tap as my hair is dirty.

Hi peeps,

Well it was a busy day with the cups of tea.

I started off at church this morning for the usual cuppa.
Then down to the other church where my friend got me tea and toast and told me all the gossip and I corrected her on all the gossip, as usual.

Then my other friend was coming in and she was being given a lecture by someone pedantic because she commented on the notice board. :) but when she escaped, I asked her if she would teach me knitting and she said she would, starting on Thursday when we usually meet for a cuppa and she knits then.

Then I came here and was chatting on the forum forever and then I went to meet my friend for my pastoral care slot and we had a really good chat and a hug and it was all lovely :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwx4iTRLXG8

Hey peeps,

well yesterday the heavy showers of rain continued, and it was cold.
When youth group arrived at church, they let me borrow the church lounge so I sat in there and read my Bible and eventually the priest brought me a cuppa tea.

Then when youth group had their meal, they brought me pizza and beans and a jelly and ice cream and fruit :)

Eventually it was time to go out into the weather, and I went and got lots of cardboard again.

I put bin liners down on the ground, and cardboard, I did a cardboard box for my pillow and head to go in and put the waterproof coat over it, I got the big bit of plastic that was the survival bag but is too wet to sleep in and I did my bedding as usual and put the plastic and cardboard over me when I was in the bedding.
and hoped for the best.

The rain disturbed me and kept me awake for an hour in the early hours and some of my bedding still got wet, but I stayed dry and warm enough to get enough sleep to survive on, and I woke up all buried in cardboard at 7.30am after dreaming a lot.
And wandered to the cafe.

Good morning peeps,

what a terrible night.

It was forecast to be better weather, just a few showers in late evening, but basically it was heavy showers constantly, including a very heavy and prolonged hail shower, and I wasn't prepared, so basically I got very wet and my bedding is soaked.
I will have to go and wail miserably at my churchpeople about being a wet blanket and hope that someone can dry my blankets and dish out ladles of sympathy.
Haha!

I am having my pot of tea, and today I will see my churchpeople.
Last night someone left the church un locked so I contacted them and they came and locked it, no good leaving it unlocked on a weekend night.

My friend phoned from London yesterday, apparently everyone was asking after me and one person was very upset about my absence :(
Oh, well.
Next weekend I will be in London.
In hospital

Hi Peeps,

Well I wandered through yesterday, tried to get some daytime sleep when the rain stopped, but I couldn't sleep and I was worried because I knew the weather would turn bad.

In the evening when the choir came to practice, they let me use the kitchen for making tea and heating up some pasta for my supper.

Then it was back out in the rain.

I had no idea how to keep dry and sleep, and I was so tired.
I went to the late-night cafe and had a coffee.

Then I went to find cardboard.

I was fortunate that I found lots of cardboard, some large slabs and smaller boxes.

I found my survival bag, which is a big tough plastic bag.
I put cardboard on the ground, put a cardboard box at the head and put my waterproof coat over it, put a pillow in it, I got in my sleeping bag and left the rest of my bedding dry in the dustbin.
I got into the survival bag so that it was covering the sleeping bag up to under my arms, then I pulled a slab of cardboard over me, it covered me completely, over the survival bag and right up to the cardboard box I put my head in.
So I was completely covered from the weather, and the cardboard and survival bag made me quite warm.

I slept. I was woken at one point because some drinkers were making a noise, one of them had keeled over and the others were trying to get her home.

I slept again, slept well into the early morning, got up a bit later than usual, it had rained a lot but I had stayed dry. The cardboard was wet but I was dry and rested enough.

I went to the cafe and had my pot of tea.
Then I wandered to church as there was a course on there this morning and so I had use of the kitchen for tea, and I read my book in church.

Eventually I wandered down to my friend's shop and had a coffee and a chat.

Then I went to have lunch wiv all me pals.

And then I spent some time in the library.

Then I went back to base camp and did some sorting out, because I forgot my wash this morning.

I washed my socks and knickers and a teeshirt and long sleeved top.
Then I washed myself and my hair.
All smart and clean, teeth brushed and washing hung out to dry.

The weather is sunny and windy, a break from the rain, which helps.

I sorted out my posessions in my lockable box, and tried to settle for a nap, but I couldn't, so I read my book a bit and then came back here.
There are going to be light rain showers tonight but nothing terrible, hopefully the drinkers wont disturb me and I will sleep through the night.

Good morning peeps.

Well yesterday I went to the town where I have therapy.
I looked at the sea but it was too hot to be out in the full sun so I didn't go in the sea.
I was tired.

I went for therapy, it was not my best therapy session, I also had to do a trauma questionnaire, it looks bleak, even though I am miles better than I was a year or 18 months ago.

I had no trouble coming back on the rush hour train and managed to get a direct train and a seat all the way.

I was so tired that I lay down and tried to sleep, but someone blundered into my sleeping area and then blundered away again without harming me, and didn't come back, but that left me tense.

I didn't sleep deeply, I was tense and with this tiredness that feels different from normal tiredness.
Then it started raining at 3am and the other homeless were running riot so there was nowhere for me to shelter, and even packing my blankets away was disrupted by the other homeless.
They are a pain.

So I packed the blankets away and climbed down into the drain and lit my stove there, which I shouldn't, and sat on my coat and brewed tea. Drank tea, sat and let time pass, waited till 5am and went walking in the rain, the police slowed to look at me but 5am is a legitimate time to be out and about, I do not wander at night for the very reason that the police can get in a flap about it.

When McD's opened at 6am I got a bagel and orange juice and sat a while, then I went back to my stove, coat and book despite the rain.
I am going to be dead with exhaustion and I am not going to London, probably, because it will be too much for me and I have got my heart appointment in a week and that is another long journey.

Sitting in the cafe with more tea, it is pouring with rain outside.

morning peeps,

yesterday I considered going to see a movie when the library closed, but I was tired and just not sure, so I wandered back to my corner and read my forgiveness book.
This is the book that the priest gave me in order to help me progress from the progress we have made.

I lit the stove and had some tea but wasn't hungry for supper, I chewed the food that my friend got me earlier.

the church was having a non-routine meeting and they invited me to use their kitchen for tea, so I did, and I had a quick wash in their disabled toilets -not literally in the toilets but you know what I mean :)

Then full of tea, I wandered off to sleep.
I slept soundly through the night, and woke in the early morning feeling highly lazy and comfy. People ought to sleep much more often.
I felt like all of my was rested and I was all warm and comfy, the problem is, this is the last night like this, because the bad weather is coming in :( yeeks, please pray.

But today is supposed to be really hot.
I got my swimsuit and towel out because I am going for therapy today and I thought I might have a swim in the sea before therapy.
I just looked at the forecast and it is a lot cooler in the town I go for therapy, which is no bad thing, it is going to be too hot here today.

Anyway, I put the stove on and had my wash and a cuppa, and then I came here to chat to you peeps.

Tomorrow the London weekend started and I have been anticipating that all week.

I also got a referral for heart screening yesterday, that is good, it will give me a better picture of what may be wrong or right and what to do next.

Hey peeps,

well I went and had my cuppa and cake at church earlier, washed my towel and left it out to dry and came back for a while.

Then I went and got my friend's ice blocks and freezer bag from my box and went to her shop.

At the shop they were busy doing a stocktake so I drank tea and then we went and had a nice lunch and they gave me some toiletries and food for later.

Here I am, wondering why I am so blessed recently, does it mean that the church of england are about to shatter my life again?

Good morning peeps,
I may still be asleep, I am not sure yet.

Yesterday I stopped at the cafe for a tea and then went to the bakery after the library closed. I was not hungry but I got two sausage rolls and a cheese and onion pasty.

I went and sat in my corner and ate the pasty and a sausage roll.

eventually I went to see who was around, there was a lady crocheting a giant caterpillar so I sat and talked to her, she told me that to start with I will have to do 'granny squares' to learn to crochet.

one of the church ladies turned up to unlock the church for Bible Study and gardening club, and then she and I did some weeding in the church garden, and got a lot of banter from the gardening club.

the Bible studiers turned up, but I sat in the hall and drank tea, I am still working towards being able to do Bible study because often I am too hyperactive and I worry about disrupting things, so I tend to sit out.

I listened a bit to the gardening club talking about hardy geraniums. I read my forgiveness book, which is what the priest has got me and it is a good learning curve.

After Bible study, the lady who unlocked the place had a parcel of toiletries for me, recently people seem to have remembered my articles in the church magazine last year, I did a series on how to help the homeless because so many people asked, and I included a thing about saving your small complimentary toiletries from hotels as they are the ideal size for a rough sleeper's backpack, so recently people are giving me small toiletries.
another Bible study lady brought me a jacket and a sleeping back that she mentioned the other day, my sleeping bag has become very ragged, so I am pleased to have a new one, the old one gets incorporated into the winter blanket pile as well, so it all helps.

So off I went and tucked down snug and comfy, slept sweetly through the night and woke up feeling all lazy and comfy about things.
I wandered out of the blankets and set the stove up and washed my hair and some of the rest of me, changed my teeshirt and socks and had a few cups of tea and the sausage roll from yesterday, it is yet another clear sunny morning.

Here I am drinking tea, today I am supposed go and get a cuppa at church at 9.30 and later I am supposed go and have a chat with my friend at her shop.

We have a joke that I am a posh rough sleeper.
It used to be a very tough life on the road as a rough sleeper, maybe it has changed now.

well I got my hair done, my hairdresser was a bit better, he had a heart attack and had to have emergency surgery, I offered him the full fee but he still wouldn't accept it even though he can only work part time at the moment.

I went to see all me pals and had much cuppa tea, I was not hungry and didn't eat.

My friend popped in, it has been exactly a month since i last saw her and we were both in crisis then and both happy now, so we had a hug and a chat.

I wandered back to the library and got a text from my friend saying she had left a bottle of gas and a book for me by my storage box, which I still refuse to tell you about, it is a safe storage box with a lock, arranged for me by certain people.

I have attempted to eat some lunch, I managed some little crackers and some little ham and cheese squares.

Good morning peeps,

sorry I lapsed in my writing after Sunday, let me catch up.

On Sunday afternoon I peacefully washed my socks and undies and towel and long-sleeved top in the bucket and put them to dry as I read my book.
The afternoon went quickly and it was soon time to be back with my churchpeople for a lovely evening service, almost no flashbacks.

After the service the priest offered me 40 minutes before his next appointment, to talk about some of my worries, because I have been so very tense and worried.
His wife made me a cuppa and we sat and talked.
He says that he thinks the distress comes from me letting my defence down because I know that I am safe with them.
I think he is right, in the end, after so many years of horrifying betrayal and condemnation, I have learned that I am safe, learned to love and trust again, because this church, this priest and his secretary and people, gritted their teeth and stayed alongside me until we made a breakthrough so that I could see things differently, could see that these people are not the church of england and that I expected to be hurt and was defensive.
changed perspective means changed attitude.
The 'care' I received from people in the  church of england was never unconditional, and the people giving care always had their own problems and were projecting those onto me and taking control of my life, but in this church they walk beside me without steering and they will not put me under pressure because they know I snap easily, it will be a slow steady walk and we will see where we end up, in the meantime, they have given me some quality of life again and I love them.

...just a second we're not broken just bent
and we can learn to love again

anyway, the priest had to go for his next appointment and I was still all choked up, and I realised I had left my backpack in church, so I texted my secretary friend and she came down and got my backpack and made me another cuppa and asked how if I was any better and I told her I felt very rough.
She said we can have lunch at the shop on Wednesday and  have a natter then. She will get me more gas for the stove as well.
So that is good.
Now I am cooking with gas! haha, isn't it funny how things change, it is real luxury having a gas stove. I remember how great it was when i was with the vagabonds, doing tea on the gas so easily instead of struggling with the hexamine stove.

so I went off to bed down for the night, but had a troubled night again, tense and distressed, in and out of sleep.
after 1am I was up because I couldn't sleep, and as I wandered miserably around, I saw a gang of drunk young men leaping up on the church car park gate and bouncing on it, the gate snapped and they laughed and said 'oh it's broken' and went off laughing and larking around.
I was devastated. they hurt my church! I love my church.

I felt very sad, i did not sleep much more that night, I let the church know about the gate first thing, because the gate is heavy and if anyone tried to use it it might fall and hurt someone, so I let them know, and some church people came up anyway and we looked sadly at the gate, it is ruined and will cost a lot to replace :(
The gate had to be taken off, and that has caused much confusion.

I wandered down to the other church for tea and toast.

I had an idle day, wasn't concentrating on writing anything so  went and did some light gardening at church.

In the evening I waited to get a cuppa at church, no-one turned up to unlock, so the choir were stranded outside, and they tried really hard to recruit me :)

They got let in and I got my cuppa eventually, the priest's wife startled me with her rather colourful depiction of what jumping on the gate should have done to those lads :) I never knew she could say things like that. cool.
And when I was full of tea, I wandered off to sleep.
slept through the night! :) fairly peaceful, just a distressing dream into flashbacks first thing, my therapist will not be happy about that. He wants me to have EMDR because of things like that, but it cannot be arranged at the moment.

Anyway, I got up in the bright early morning, 6.30am, it was tempting to stay lazily in my soft blankets but not an option this morning.
I lit the stove, made tea, filled the bucket and washed my hair and then what I could wash fully clothed, brushed teeth, did mouth wash, combed hair into clips, changed socks and packed up and wandered down to the toilets to do the rest of my wash.

Checked that my money was in, it was, and came here for a cuppa.

I will see all me pals later for a cuppa and a natter, I also have haircut today, my poor hairdresser has been very ill and he looks so tired but he has said he can do my hair today.

Good morning peeps,
September 1st 2013, I am not sure what the point in blogging is any more but I thought I would.

I know things have changed since we last blogged together, but I am sure you will catch up with that.

Last night was bad, not because it was a weekend night but because I have bad nights every night, I am tense, in and out of flashbacks, nightmares, and terrors, that is when I can sleep, I have difficulty sleeping at all and sometimes, like last night, I have to get up to vomit.
Something wrong there peeps, and I don't know where it is coming from, apart from the wretched church of england wrecking my life again.

Thankfully they are not directly reaching me here.

Anyway, this morning I got up as usual, did my hair, teeth and mouthwash but not the rest of me and washed the vomit away with soapy water, it was only the peanut butter sandwiches I had had for supper yesterday.

I stashed everything and sat and read my book, and then walked down to McD's for orange juice and a muffin and then on to the cafe for a pot of tea.
Then I had a wet wipe and deodorant wash.
The mosquitos and insects are still biting me to death despite my use of repellants.

Then back to church, my churchpeople arrived, made me welcome and made me tea, and it was the usual comforting Sunday morning with my churchpeople.

Then here I am in the cafe, and as the weather is still fine and warm, I will wash myself in the bucket and wash my smalls and put them in the sun to dry, and I will lay down on my blanket and read my books and have a picnic.

This evening we have church again.