Wednesday Morning

Good morning,

Yesterday as I wasn't working, I did a lot of housework, even the cat got hoovered and dusted.

I had to take 5HTP to sleep, because I have got a bit anxious about sleeping again.
5HTP knocks me out but also causes vivid dreams and sometimes nightmares, so I was having bad dreams about college.
I woke up groggy, with a giraffe staring at me.

Haha, I must have been restless in my sleep, the giraffe is one of my toys who lives on a pillow and when I am restless the toys go everywhere.

I went out and did the papers, still a bit groggy.
The sun was shining and the sea gently rolling onto the beach.

I am just getting ready for work. I will post yesterday's interview on this blog too.

Tuesday lunchtime

Good lunchtime,

One of my regular readers, totally anonymous, keeps looking to see if I have updated the blog.
Haha, stop being impatient. Do you still have that tea cosy? Those cups of tea we used to share! :)

Well peeps, if I start from last night, update today and see if I recall doing anything else this week, that should do.

Well I knocked myself out with 5HTP for the night, and the weather was wild with rain and wind, so the cat slept quietly in my armchair, with just the occasional whirring noise as he scratched his ear. Cats are OCD, they can be fast asleep and suddenly realise that something needs washing or scratching.

I woke up groggy from the 5HTP, and the cat woke up all purry.

The weather was wild, but the rain kindly eased off as I delivered the papers, so I wasn't soaked but I was nearly blown off my bike when I went down to deliver the papers on the seafront.

The round took longer in the bad weather, but that was OK, then I dragged the blue bike, kicking and squealing, to the bike shop, while I went to a meeting, which was cancelled.

The bike has new brake blocks and I have been just going round doing odds and ends of necessary stuff that never gets done on work days. As I have a day off, a rare day off, to get everything else done! :)

I am sitting here, a bit cold from being out in the wind, I have had a quick lunch and I think a nice warm shower may be next. The tv signal is bad because of the weather.
I have a few more tasks including collecting the little filing cabinet I bought last week, and writing a letter, and of course I must get my music done.

On Sunday I went and helped out at a festival, got on well, worked hard, finished at 7.30 with a long journey home. I got paid, and also offered a working holiday a long way from home, scary, exciting and very much gonna happen!

So I woke on Monday, aching all over, and managed a good day's work before the bad weather set in.
And here I am.

Sunday morning

Another lot of nightmares, but I woke to the alarms at 6am.
Sunday papers are later, so I had plenty of time to quietly do my piano practice and other things.
The weather was and is pouring rain and howling wind.
I got the papers delivered, managed to keep them dry, but I got soaked.

I have had a shower and am about to dress and go to an interview.
I have a shift at a festival this afternoon. Exciting and anxiety-causing stuff.

All car boot sales will be cancelled in this weather so after the interview I will come home and hoover and also cook the roast dinner.

Saturday Night

Good evening,

Please excuse the lack of blog.
I have been rather busy. As well as having a minor collapse due to traumatic stress on Tuesday.

Well I collapsed on Tuesday night, managed with great cost and difficulty to pull myself back together by Wednesday lunchtime, and gradually back to normal, with a bit of help from the people around me, and one norty little cat.

I seem to be working every day now, and when the weather isn't stormy, I have been biking to some of my work.
I have had two cafe meals this week, I was taken out to lunch on Thursday, and I had a beach cafe breakfast one nice sunny morning, it all helps to make me feel better.

I may as well not recount the whole week as it has not been fascinating.

Contract work has started later this week, so I have been able to do the heavy papers and get sorted and ready for work with plenty of time.
Yesterday's storms meant I couldn't bike to work, but today I did, and it was so quick to bike that I was there early, and so I was put to work while I waited for my team mate, and I grew increasingly puzzled when he didn't turn up, then I was told his car had broken down, so I was sent a new team mate and we got on fine.

I biked home and did lunch, and my landlady and her partner came round to see if anything needed doing. They have a lady garden who looks after our rather nice gardens, but she comes fortnightly and currently has too much work, so some of that work is now delegated to me, as official self-employed work, so again, more work!

Anyway, I biked down to the sea and wandered about for a while, and came home and cooked chops and wedges.
Then I have been watching television, doing my music and washed some work clothes, I still don't have enough clothes, so I have to wash them because I work hard and it is summer, not that I have a real sweat problem or anything! :) I just like to get to each new shift wearing clean clothes, as tidy as possible even though my clothes are not that smart or new.

Tomorrow my paper round starts later due to the shop opening late, and then I have an interview for some more work at 10am, on a Sunday!
Then I have a shift in the afternoon/evening, working on a Sunday!
Hey, I can still fit one car boot sale in tomorrow!

And I have peeled and prepared the potatos and vegetables for tomorrow's roast.

I managed to find a little filing cabinet today, and get my bike booked in for those damn new brake blocks! Honest Al is such a loser, he was too busy breaking someone else's bike to fix mine, so I am dropping it off in the next town when I go for a meeting on Tuesday.

So there you are, I just work, eat, do music, and tell the cat off when he bites me for trying to straighten his blanket for him.

It has been changeable weather, very windy and sometimes rainy, sometimes hot and sunny.

Monday evening

Good evening,

Well the weather has been gloomy for a bank holiday, although not wet.

This morning I went to work, but a two-bus journey on bank holiday when they can barely provide a Sunday service is hard, it took an hour and three-quarters to get to work, but I had a good morning working for a customer who I like, and then we had coffee and scones and jam before I came home via a nice ice cream for working on bank holiday.

I didn't get home until nearly 3pm and I was tired and hadn't had a proper lunch, so I cooked steak and onions with a few wedges and some salad, ah, bank holiday meal :)

There was nothing on television so I slept for a few hours, I think as long as I am still adjusting to so much work and as long as I am getting things done, it is ok to sleep a bit in free time, I don't like it but I must make allowances for the fact I am working when even the DWP don't consider me fit for work, although the benefits system is so barbaric that I have no choice but to work now as trying to deal with ESA makes me ill, and anyway, I am better off in work, although the sooner I can get a prescriptions certificate the better.
Now that I am more settled, I would rather work than anything.
I have a good week's work with freelance and contract work, so I am working until Saturday. Then I just get Sunday off, although most days I am not working a full day.
I only intended to work part time this year due to my health, but now I have plenty of work, still part time, I guess.

Anyway, so I slept a while and then woke, worrying about my task list.
I managed to get an invoice done for the contract work, and get my music done, I am fairly pleased with my practice and I did another mock exam.
But I had some not so good news, which I am not sharing yet, there are things going on that I don't mention as they are things that are processing and I will tell about the processes and outcomes when they are done.

Anyway, I am a bit behind in my tasks, I have an hour to format a story competition entry and answer a load of emails.
Tomorrow I have two work shifts in a local village, my regular monday garden in the morning as I don't do bank holidays with them as they need the garden for family on bank holidays, and then one of the new contracts, four solid hours in the afternoon.
I will be tired! And I haven't been able to see the Hollyoaks preview today so I will have to stay awake and watch Hollyoaks when I get home tomorrow.

Bank Holiday Monday morning

Good morning,

Well I was tired last night after all that housework!

I slept soundly until this morning, when I started having terrible nightmares about the Diocese and police.
I was thankful to wake and know that at least today I am not beaten and locked up. Although the recurring nightmares remind me that they may do that to me again in order to save their own skins as before.
And that leaves me distressed and frightened.

Anyway, it is a grey and cloudy start to the day, and I have done my papers, several customers are away for half term so I have an easier round as long as I remember who is away.

I have a few hours work and then I can catch up with my music and things.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I have had a busy day.
I started by stripping the bed this morning.
I hate changing the sheets, not because of the work, just an autistic thing, I like my sheets well worn and comfy, but it is hygenic to take everything off and wash it, especially because of asthma, my room gets dusty, so it has had a good hoover and mop and dust today, well the whole house has.

I have done all the linens and towels in the house, all the cloths and everything, and also washed my clothes.
Work means more dirty clothes.

I have also been to two car boot sales and got useful and nice things, it is good to be able to just go out like that, after so long of having no money even for essentials.

I also went to welfare and got a meal and a grocery ticket, hopefully I won't need to do that for long, but I also feel I need to remember and never forget, what it was like to be homeless among the other people who go to welfare.

I have done paperwork, housework, everything under the sun today.
I am glad that tomorrow is bank holiday and I get a half day off.

Sunday morning

Good morning,

Well I was very sleepy and it was hard to wake up, so I crawled into the kitchen in pyjamas at 7am, and my housemate, all neat and ready for work, was having her breakfast, so I had a cuppa and got dressed and went to deliver the papers.

The round was as I expected, quite easy as a lot of people don't have Sunday papers.
So I got home and did bacon and eggs, and then the shop called me as someone had not got a paper, but it was the shop's error as they had missed them off the round sheet, but as it is all so local. I went and got the missed paper from the shop and delivered it.

The day started with some sunshine but the low clouds and humidity lurked over the sea and hills and came back inland, so it is grey and damp and due to rain.
There were loads of ships out on the sea this morning, just a long line of them.

I am going to have a lazy sort of day, music, housework, tv and reading.
I hope to go to the car boot sales if they are not rained off.

My new work life means I have to learn new things like contracts and invoices and time sheets, all good fun.  I have to keep accounts for all my work, so I have ledger book I have to do every day. Even today as I deliver newspapers every day of the week and I have to even write that in.

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well I slept for a few hours this afternoon and woke up from vivid but vague dreams and still felt sick and tired but gradually felt better.

It doesn't feel like a Saturday because I have been working, but I have to get used to this, heavy papers to deliver on Fridays and Saturdays, followed by work.
Tomorrow the shop opens late so I don't do the papers until later than usual.

This evening I realised I had forgotten to get Bertolli, so I had a bike ride along the shore and then to the shop, the waves were shallow and sharp, and the humidity remains, with wet fog over the hills. I don't like this weather at all.
The shop had no Bertolli light, but at least Bertolli was reduced. It is expensive stuff but a tub lasts a month and I would rather be healthy, my cholestoral is perfect but after years of bad diet, I have to look after myself now, and I certainly feel the benefit of it.

I have been watching the usual Saturday TV, and now the Eurovision, as well as reading a book, doing odds and ends of housework, and now going through my soothing bed time routine, I just went to call the cat in and the sea was roaring but the cat wants to camp out in the garage, rude cat. He decided to sit on my bum and have a wash when I was lying on the bed reading a Shane Dunphy book, the cat has no sense of boundaries.

Tomorrow my gang are having a walk up the Eastern Hill closest to my home, but I am being contrary and going car-booting :) The problem with the gang is they like a drink and they will go to a pub, and I really really do not like pubs and drinking.
Tomorrow's newsround is easy as well as later than usual, today and yesterday with the heavy papers have been quite a strain.
I really hope I can get used to all my new work, I used to be so strong and fit that I could do two newsrounds and a load of heavy work and never even notice. Ah, youth! :)

Saturdayafternoon

Good afternoon,

I am tired and aching.

I went to bed later than intended and the cat had decided to stay out all night, so I slept through the night, sound and apparently dreamless sleep.
I woke early and headed for the shop early as I had to get the big heavy weekend papers delivered and still get to work on time.

I went to work, the weather is hot and we worked hard and finished at midday and I came home feeling ill.
The price to pay for working rather than staying in a barbaric benefits system, I am not fit for work, but nonetheless, if I can work round my illness and progress into being able to work with it, I will.

I got shopping on the way home, the fridge was looking bare with only a bit of manky cucumber and a bottle of milk left.

I don't know how to get the pain and tension to calm down, the tens machine won't work, and the massage machine won't do it, I have ordered a pain pen, which I hope will help.

I have been watching Sister Act, Sister Act would be a great lesson to many Catholics, if they were willing to learn lessons. Haha.

It is such humid weather, I would say it is warm enough to swim in the sea today, but I am in too much pain already, wave jumping is a real pain trigger.

Friday evening

Good evening,

Well I am very tired,
I finished the morning work at lunchtime, and was feeling ill, tired and shivery, thankfully my gardening customer called and said she had to take one of her family to hospital, nothing serious.
So I re-scheduled for Tuesday, as I have that other new job near her on Tuesday, so I will do both and that will be a day's work.
I have not felt great but I watched my programmes, did some halfhearted housework and music, and went to the shop for milk, and realised how unwell I was once I was at the shop.

I have a heavy newsround in the morning and then contract work afterwards, I am hoping I feel better for tomorrow, I have strained my leg, presumably hurrying round the newsround this morning.

I am having problems with flashbacks, and asthma, especially as the weather is humid and I cannot afford my tablets and inhalers for asthma.

Friday Afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I was tired yesterday evening but I stayed up until 10pm despite being tired and having a big newsround to do this morning.

I slept soundly apart from one toilet break at 4am, the cat slept soundly even through that, he sometimes gets up and wanders off when I go to the loo, but I had to check he was alive as he didn't even stir.
In fact the cat was still sound asleep when I got up this morning, then he was all purrs and stretching and meows.

Unfortunately, night time and rests are when I have least control of my brain and so flashbacks and distresses are most likely, and so at 4am I started getting distressed, then I slept, and woke at a sleepy 6am, I went to do the newsround early as it is the local paper day, and so the round is big and heavy with all the local papers as well as the usual morning papers.
I finished the round at the usual time and showered and had breakfast before going to the contract work.
Today was hard work but we finished by lunchtime, and it was raining, so never mind gardening this afternoon.

I got home feeling exhausted and shivering cold, I tried to have a rest but ended up suffering flashbacks and distress and so I got up, still shivering, and had a warm bath, which helped a lot.
I am trying to sort myself and my usual tasks out but I am still tired and hardly OK.

At the moment I am simply waiting for a lot of things, everything is on pause, but I have work every day except Sunday, when I only have the paper round.

Thursday Evening

Good evening,

Well this morning I got to work to the new work quite easily and it went really well.
We were finished early and I had an early lunch and went to my other work.
I expected it to be a hard day and I would be tired, but actually it was a lovely day and I am not too tired.
Well, I will still have an early night, because tomorrow's round will be heavy with the local papers and I will want an early start in order to get to work on time.
The same on Saturday with the weekend papers.
But then I have a weekend.
I will go to a car boot sale at the weekend for the first time in too long.

I have just been offered a leaflet delivery shift, they are hard work but hell, why not?

It has been a lovely sunny day, and when I got home from work, loads of kids from holiday camp were playing in the sea, it must be nearly swim in the sea time of year.
The waves were big and clean and everything has looked so beautiful in the sun.

Thursday morning

Good morning,

It is 6.20am, and sunshine and blue skies are out there.

I start the busy part of the week now, with my new contract work.
But first the newspaper deliveries as usual.

Yesterday I did my newsround and the weather was lovely, then my friend collected me and the plants for the house I was working for yersterday morning, and I had a nice morning planting things.
Then the customer, who is disabled, and his home help, asked me if I would stand in for the cleaner while she is away, so I have more work in the next week.
Due to discussing that, I didn't finish at the usual time, so there wasn't time to go home before music lessons, so I had a picnic lunch on the shore, watching the boats, then I went  to the pound shop and got some much needed toiletries, then I went  to music practice.
I had done my mock exams and I got a distinction in the one she marked while I was there, she will mark the rest for next week.
I was given my exam day instructions, although it is still a month away!
And a more complex piano piece to practice.
I have my books for the next level already, so all I can do is keep revising, doing mocks and gradually working with the next level, no rush, no pressure.

Anyway, last night I watched the Simpsons and Hollyoaks as normal, but E4 wasn't working properly due to the tv ariel playing up, so I couldn't watch the preview, so I went to bed and slept like I was dead until 6am.
At the moment I think it is fine to go to bed at 8pm, but hopefully when I can get my inhalers, I will feel better.

Today I have my newsround then I have to get to the cleaning contract, then I have the cleaning for my disabled customer, then tomorrow similar except gardening in the afternoon, then Saturday is just cleaning in the morning, then I get a weekend until Monday, Bank holiday monday's gardening is cancelled just because it is a holiday, and then I have a few hours cleaning on Monday and the other new contract on Tuesday.
So although it is still flexible, part time and variable, I do have some work.

Tuesday evening

Good evening,

Well yesterday the weather got brighter so I went out on my bike, but the ground was too wet for gardening.
Last night I went to bed early but had to knock myself out with high dose 5HTP.
I only had vague terrors and woke this morning not really wanting to get up, thankfully the newsround means I have to get up.
It was a bright morning but with strong winds, rain was blowing from clouds far away, but I got the round done before it got too bad.
My work today was cancelled due to the site being under renovation and at a point where I couldn't work round the renovators.
Argh.

Bob Hill did another blog all of a sudden.
http://bobhilljersey.blogspot.co.uk/2015/05/jerseys-dean-all-quiet-on-winchester.html

For once it helped me by releasing some of the severe tension I have been carrying for so long.

I have been busy with paperwork for various things that I am not telling you yet.

I feel tired, I can't get the medicines I need because I am not on ESA any more so I don't get free prescriptions until I get tax credits, so at the moment I have no tablets or inhalers and so my peak flow is pretty bad, I can't afford my meds, I am still on a low income. It will get better in the next few weeks though.

I have been out on my bike, the waves on the bay are big and clean., real surfer's waves, however, I am not fit to surf or do any watersports this year :(

The cat has been busy, he was sleeping out in the garage a lot, he has always had a nest there but went through a phase of sleeping there a lot.
But right now he is in a purring heap in my armchair, he had always ignored my armchair until the other day and I found him sitting there, looking very unsure of what my reaction would be, so I put his blanket on the armchair and he is very happy.
He was still also sleeping in the garage but this morning I went in there, expecting him to be there, but a tent or a folding chair was lying across his nest, I had a horrible feeling it fell on him, and I couldn't find him, but when I did, I checked he was OK and showed him I had moved the horrible object that fell on his peaceful snoozery. Poor cat! I love my cat, he is a great comfort to me.
This afternoon I was so tired I tried to have a sleep, but the cat came and sat on me and washed itself, it is so difficult to sleep when a cat is sitting on you and washing itself.

I am just watching my programmes, then I will do the hoovering and mopping and put the bins out, the local bylaw is bins go out after 7pm, or something.

I am having a much needed break from music today. I get very tense about music and my tutor says I don't need to, I should have time off sometimes.

Monday afternoon

Good afternoon,

Well I had another night of terrors and nightmares.
I woke up to a wet and windy morning, but I got the papers delivered before the weather got too bad.

It looks like my afternoon's work is cancelled due to the weather, and I have spent the morning quietly doing paperwork and filling in forms.

I am all tense and achy.

What can you do in bad weather and with no money? not much.

Sunday evening

Good evening,

Well I did a good roast dinner and then went to find my friends, we had a lovely walk along the bay.
Then I went to welfare and got a meal and a few groceries.

It is such a beautiful evening but I am tired, tense and worried about my music practice and a few other things.

The cat is not worried, he is curled up in a furry heap on my bed.

Sunday Morning

Good morning,

I had another early night last night, and had violent and dreadful nightmares, which of course could come true if the Diocese are not restrained.
I lay awake with terrors and flashbacks and slept again eventually.
No pain today, I think the new pillow is helping, but I will have to ask again if more can be done about this pain, because regular codeine is bad news.

The shop opens later on a Sunday, so the newsround starts a bit later, I was expecting a big heavy round like yesterday but it was smaller and easier.
I expected Sunday morning to be quiet in town but there were old grockles wandering along the seafront and they all looked at me doing my papers as if to say 'ooh look Daphne! A paper girl, how twee and olde worlde! Must put it on a postcard to Mildred!'

I also got my first newsround wages, cool.
So after the round, I biked along the front and it was sunny with a calm sea.
Then I stopped at the supermarket for some chicken for today's roast.

I am watching tv slightly, the Hollyoaks omnibus is on, and all my music notes are on the table, ready for the usual practice.

After lunch, I am going for a walk with the gang, it is a nice walk along one of the other bays, we did it last month and enjoyed it so much we are doing it again, it ends at a cafe with stunning view.
Then I will go to welfare when we get back.

Saturday evening

Good evening,

Well I was very tired last night and so I was asleep by 9pm, I slept very well, trying out my new orthapedic pillow, the new pillow is good, the old one was too hard, so I was making do with two flat pillows that were uncomfortable.
However, I have been in a lot of pain today, so I am not sure if that is because the pillow is not keeping my spine and skull steady or if it is because the newspapers were very heavy this morning, so today has been codeine and a tens machine that doesn't seem to do much.

It has been a glorious day. Sunny and warm, and I have biked about a bit, watched some television, and thankfully got a delivery of my next lot of music books and materials so I have been studying, but despite tens, painkillers and the massage machine, I am very tense and painful.

It has been so warm that I am wearing white summer trousers, I do not like wearing white because I spill things if I do.

Soon it will be swim in the sea days, not long now.

I am tempted to have another bike ride as it is such a glorious evening. I have done sausages and special potatos for tea.

Tomorrow I have no housework as everything is in order, so I will have a walk with the gang and then go to welfare.
The Jehovas witnesses invited me to their Kingdom Hall tomorrow, they were very nice, but I dunno, I like the fact that unlike the Great Grim church, the JWs are very Bible-based, they agreed with me that the Great Grim church do not take much notice of the Bible.

Friday morning

Good morning,

Well, yesterday I spent a quiet day doing music and paperwork, and occasionally biking along the bay on my bike.
I also got a lot of cupboard stuff and paperwork sorted.
I have stopped all my volunteer work, some only temporarily, while I focus on work and other things in my life.
I do feel strange without the volunteer work, but my paid work is increasing.

So yesterday was OK, and it was pouring rain and high winds, so it was OK to spend most of the day at home, but in the evening I started suffering flashbacks and distress.
However, I was tired and slept a good night, although the cat woke me at about 4.30am, but I dozed until the alarm at 6am.

My newsround today was quite heavy with the local paper as well as the usuals, I realise I have become unfit from the break from swim and gym and it is easy for me to become unfit because I am asthmatic.
But the newsround will help.

I have just been up to the surgery to get my physio referral sorted and physio starts in three weeks time.

I am gardening this afternoon and I have to go and look at another offer of work, four hours per fortnight.