This is a merge of my 'Wanderer' blog that tells of two years of my three years on the streets, and a new blog that tells of my life after the Diocese of Winchester ripped through my life for for the last few years on top of the previous serious harm that left me homeless
This is a day to day blog of my life as I continue to survive, work on recovery and on the social problems that I have and try to come to terms with limitless traumas I have survived along the way.
This blog is in tandem with my blog about my experiences in the Church of England

The former name of this blog and the name of it's sister blog are to do with my sense of humour, which I hope to keep to the end, which appears to be ever more rapidly approaching. At least I laughed, and I laughed at the people who were destroying me. Don't forget that.

Here are my books, which I wrote for you if you would like to know more:

Thursday, 15 June 2017

Thursday early morning

Good morning peeps,

I had a bad night with nightmares and flashbacks making me wish I was dead, but the dream before I woke up was pretty tremendous, so I will tell you in a minute.

Yesterday I set off early and did the watering for the family who are away.
Then I went and did the old lady's garden. She has her new mower and my mate has taken her old mower to the lockup.

The new mower, unlike the old one, didn't start well, and the drive and dead man's handle are the opposite way round to our commercial  mowers, so I struggled a bit, then to make it worse, a nosey old neighbour decided to try to stand over me and supervise, you know what I'm like peeps, I have been a gardener for 16 years and I reached proper competency in gardening as well as looking after myself when I left the streets, so the neighbour got an earful.
My old lady laughed and said it served him right, I am very polite usually but I felt intimidated by this man hanging around, and he was interfering not helping, he didn't know anything about mowers.

There, just in case you thought I was all mild and not sparky any more. Of course I didn't turn the air blue, just told him not to interfere and get in the way.

Anyway, after that I went to meet the boys over at the waterside, they were happy to have a break from strimming in the hot sun, and not so happy that I was laughing at them because my day was much easier than theirs, the boss said he would advertise for nasty jobs for me to do, but what nasty jobs? I am a heavy garden clearance specialist, what exactly can they throw at me? Actually don't ask.

Anyway, I met the new trainee, the boss advertised as soon as me and my workmate complained, had a reply immediately and we have a new trainee, and he is very promising.

I told them about how I fell down the bank when I was pulling bindweed and they laughed, but they laughed even more about the neighbour trying to tell me how to use the mower, the boss said 'I'm surprised he's lived that long!'.

I dunno why people think I'm fierce, I am actually very polite to people usually. Even the neighbours at the holiday cottage, who drive everyone mad, but they and I get on well because  I am all polite and helpful.

Anyway, it was nice to have a chat and a laugh and meet the new guy, and even nicer to keep telling them that I was having a lazy day. The boss just kept saying that there was a mower there with my name on if I wanted to stop being lazy.

But I was off to the suppliers.

Off I went, there was some traffic.

I like going to the suppliers, I feel all grown up.
They didn't have the gravel that I wanted, but they had grass seed and shrubs, so that would do, it means I will go to the garden centre today as well.

Then I went to the food wagon there, it is all men at the food wagon, so I feel all grown up going there, with my safety boots and work clothes, and they go 'What can I get you, luv?'
They do good burgers and tea, so that's what I had for lunch.

Then off I went to the next garden. I had managed to stay in the shade for the morning but this garden was more in the sun. I was watering, mowing and then preparing a bed for grass seed and then seeding it and protecting it from the birds.

I had an early finish, but I was too tired to do much, I think it is the heat, it takes my energy despite having been an easy day.
I went to bed early, which I know is a bad thing, but what else could I do? Early nights trigger nightmares and flashbacks.

I had terrible nightmares and flashbacks and I wished I was dead.

But towards the morning as my sleep settled a bit I dreamed a very vivid dream about Jersey, and it was comforting.

It was vivid and clear, I was going back to Jersey. I didn't feel great about it, more confused than anything, But it was so real. In the dream I was arranging acommodation and a ferry and things.
I got to Jersey and it was all very vivid, clear and real, and Voiceforchildren did a blog about me returning, not a great idea, instigating hate attacks like they did when they persistently reproduced the Korris rubbish, furthering the harm that it did.
The dream went on and I was at St. Andrews Park, I was confused about being away from home, even though Jersey was my home and I was ripped away from it and from my whole life. I have re-settled where I am although my soul will cry for the channel islands for eternity. Anyway, in the dream there was this confusion about where my life here had gone and why I was in Jersey.

In the dream some of the bloggers were at St. Andrews park, and the sun was shining and I was happy and confused.

There were people in the church, people in States and Freemasons uniforms and they were committing evil, I went over there but didn't go in.
But Jersey was bright and clear, real, and I woke up.

Anyone who mistakenly thinks that I am going to Jersey this weekend, no, that is crossed wires, I can't travel that distance without being ill. I can hardly even travel as far as my adoptive parents without being ill.
When I am dead it will be a different matter, I will come home then, and my ashes will be scattered on St. Ouen's Bay, so I can sleep tight with the lights of Casquets and Corbiere beaming bright over my soul forever. My soul never left my channel islands and never will.

Anyway, today is quite a heavy day, the cliff top, the mansion, garden centre and the care home. It is already warm and it is only coming up to 8am.


  1. I'mg lad you were comforted by the dream but sorry you still have flashbacks.

  2. Thanks Emma, the whole matter with the church is unresolved so the flashbacks are unlikely to ever stop. I am still trapped in the nightmare.